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byulyi didn’t know what caused her to start to feel differently towards yongsun.
it might have been how yongsun always handed her a bottle of water and brushed her sweaty bangs back affectionately after a long dance practice, telling her she did a good job. it might have been how yongsun would always offer her the first bite of her food, no matter how hungry the older girl was. it might have been how yongsun always knew when byulyi was feeling down. even though byulyi tended to bury her feelings deep within herself, yongsun always had a way of sensing what she felt.
(yongsun was the first person she’d ever poured her heart out to about her insecurities, during the late night talks they had so often right before their debut.)
it might have been all along, just that byulyi never paid much attention to it. she really didn’t know, but it didn’t matter much to her anyway. all that mattered was how her heart skipped beats when yongsun’s hand brushed against hers and how all she could hear was yongsun, yongsun, yongsun whenever the older girl came a little too close.
and so byulyi realised, at the most inconvenient time ever (during their um oh ah yeh promotions), that she was in love with kim yongsun, her best friend. but she knew very well the risks of feeling like this in their society, especially when they were still rookies from a small company. so she did what she did best - she kept this secret closely guarded within her heart and played along when yongsun flirted with her playfully on stage when deep down, she was breaking.
__________
until one day, it became unbearable.
"unnie i- i have something to tell you." byulyi blurted out one day in the middle of their six hour dance practice for their new comeback. it was now late february, the last traces of winter disappearing as spring slowly approached.
"hm?" yongsun hummed while walking over to pause the music. "what is it?"
the practice room fell awkwardly silent with byulyi looking down at the floor, fiddling with her shirt and yongsun glancing curiously at her (the two youngest had gone home to rest while the unnies perfected their dance). its now or never, byulyi thought, taking in a shaky breath.
"unnie, i like you." byulyi said in a voice barely audible.
"what do you mean? i like you too, byul-ah." yongsun said, confused.
"NO!" byulyi said, a bit too loudly and quickly. "i like you- wait! i mean, i think i'm in love with you. i'm sorry, i know i'm such a mess but i couldn't hold it in any longer because it’s been so long i just needed to get it out i-"
she was stopped by yongsun’s finger on her lips. yongsun was gazing at her with an unreadable expression, and byulyi felt her heart drop. she’d already expected this reaction because she knew that yongsun had never felt more than platonic love for her, but it still hurt. so much.
“byul-ah,” yongsun said quietly after what seemed like an eternity, “i’m sorry. i don’t know if i feel the same way, because i’ve never given a thought this. and even if i do, you and i know very well that we can’t. date, i mean. i’m really sorry, i think i need time to process this. go back and rest well, byul-ah.” with that, yongsun packed her things and left the practice room, leaving byulyi standing alone in the middle of the empty practice room, her mind numb, her heart in a million pieces.
__________
they’d won. their hard work had paid off.
byulyi had never expected that this day would come in all her years of training. to her, singing on stage with the 3 people she loved the most and seeing her fans was already more than enough for her. to be living in her dream was already more than enough for her. to byulyi, it was already enough, but right now, as the emcee handed wheein the trophy for their win, byulyi couldn’t process anything.
she was shaken back into reality by yongsun, wheein and hyejin hugging her and crying, and byulyi felt her own tears flow uncontrollably as well. they all expressed their gratitude for all the staff in RBW, and most importantly, the fans. and byulyi knew all four of them really meant it because the support and love from all their fans was making her so overwhelmed. she couldn’t even put her feelings into words.
as they walked off the stage into the waiting room, their managers and stylists all rushed to congratulate them. a party with loads of food was thrown, and in the midst of all the laughter and tears, byulyi noticed yongsun with one of those smiles that reached her eyes and made the corners of her eyes crinkle. and byulyi knew, right at that moment, that she would do anything to keep that smile on yongsun’s face forever.
__________
2016 was not only the turning point for mamamoo’s popularity, but also for byulyi’s relationship with yongsun.
“you know, sometimes i feel like i don’t deserve any of this.” byulyi said to yongsun one chilly night when she’d gone over to the older girl’s apartment.
“i feel like i don’t deserve so many people who love me so much… it’s just so hard to accept that i have people who will always support me in whatever i do even though i’m a stranger to them.” byulyi sighed, looking over to yongsun.
“i’m afraid that they’ll realise they only love the version of me i show on stage, you know? i’m just someone lucky enough to fulfil her dreams. they don’t know that the real me is weak and just like any other normal human being, and i’m scared that i’ll disappoint them.”
since their first win on inkigayo, the 4 girls had continued to achieve consecutive victories on other music shows and their popularity had shot up to an all time high. on one hand, byulyi felt exhilarated, but on the other hand, she felt burdened by all the eyes watching her, even if they were fans who loved the girls dearly. maybe it was because she hadn’t ever received so much attention ever in her whole life, but part of byulyi still wasn’t used to it. she didn’t think she would ever be.
“byul-ah. don’t ever think like that.” yongsun chided, but her expression was soft. “yes, we are human after all. but isn’t moonbyul a part of byulyi too? i’m sure there will be people who will love you even if you’re just byulyi.”
“and also, i owe you a reply.” yongsun suddenly says.
byulyi frowned. “reply to what?”
“remember that day, in the practice room when we were practicing for um oh ah yeh?” yongsun started, “what you told me. i couldn’t sleep for so many nights after that, byul-ah. your words... i kept thinking about them. i kept thinking, why didn’t you tell me earlier? i felt so bad knowing that all this time you’ve been keeping it to yourself and how much you must’ve been hurting.”
byulyi could feel her breath hitch as she waited for the older girl to continue.
“i’m so stupid, byulyi. at first i kept denying it because i thought it was unnatural to feel this way, but then i realised who the fuck cares? love is love. i’m in love with you too, so don’t be hurt anymore, you idiot.” yongsun chuckled and cupped byulyi’s face lovingly. she could feel her brain short-circuit as yongsun gazed into her eyes and pulled her closer.
“can i kiss you?” yongsun whispered, albeit with a smirk on her face upon seeing byulyi blushing furiously. byulyi could barely muster enough strength to nod (she was weak from how close yongsun was. on second thought, she was always weak for yongsun) before she felt a pair of soft lips against hers.
byulyi had thought countless times about kissing yongsun, but she’d never imagined yongsun’s lips would be so soft. there weren’t any fireworks in her stomach, nothing cliche of the sort, but to byulyi it felt so right. byulyi thinks, while her lips moved in rhythm to yongsun’s, that this is what it feels like to be finally able to breathe.
(later, yongsun had turned to byulyi’s ear and promised that if no one would love the real byulyi for who she was, she would.)
__________
life after that day remained the same. mostly the same. the 4 girls are having more packed schedules as their popularity continued to grow, concerts, fanmeets, interviews, nothing new. byulyi and yongsun’s loving relationship continued to be a hot topic amongst fans, but only they themselves knew what was different now.
whenever byulyi cracks a greasy joke during fanmeets, yongsun would immediately smack her arm and call her gross. whenever byulyi comes too close to her on stage and keeps on calling her cute, yongsun’s first reaction would be to push byulyi away. not out of spite, but out of embarrassment. nothing had changed on stage (still greasebyul and panicgayyong).
wheein and hyejin often joked about how byulyi must’ve felt about getting rejected everyday by yongsun, and byulyi often laughed it off. because the two unnies knew without words that that wasn’t the case. back in yongsun’s apartment after a long, tiring day of schedules, they seeked comfort in each other’s presence. they’ve never explicitly talked about that day, but just like how everything worked between them, they always had a way of knowing how the other felt.
the months passed by, and byulyi and yongsun had gradually settled into the dynamic of their relationship. they were intimate, but they weren’t lovers.
byulyi was content with that. she really was. because she knew yongsun would always come back to her.
__________
can it get better than this?
i’m looking at you and we’re laughing together
you know me better than I know myself
i can’t express this feeling with words
us right now
as byulyi sees the stage lights reflect off yongsun’s eyes, that smile with all the elements that made up kim yongsun flashing across her face as she waved to the sea of moobongs, byulyi thinks that falling in love with yongsun was like falling off the edge of the universe - falling forever through stars that all spell yongsun's name.
(she didn’t think she would ever stop falling)