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This Jack just wasn't fucking strong enough, not tonight.
Nikki sat at the bar, miserable and alone, watching the hordes of women and occasional man hanging all over his sloppily drunk terror twin.
Nikki had no right to be angry, he knew that. After all, he was the one who got scared when his feelings crossed the line from 'oh this is fun' to 'I cant fucking live without you' . He was the one who told Tommy they had to stop their romantic ventures, but that he still "loved him as a friend."
He had lied to Tommy that day, one of the few lies he had ever told the drummer.
So no, Nikki wasn't angry. He had no right to be. He was just…. Sad. Sad that he let the closest thing to his perfect match that he was going to find slip away. Tommy had been heartbroken when Nikki turned him away, he had heard him sniffling in his bunk for many nights, and with every sniffle Nikki's resolve came closer to breaking.
He thought he was protecting Tommy, honestly.
He didn't deserve Tommy, that much was obvious. But if their relationship got out? If Tommy lost Motley Crue because of him? If Tommy got hurt because of him? (two guys fucking just isn't accepted like it should be-it just isn't)
Nikki would never forgive himself.
The sparkle of unattainable want in Tommy's eyes had never gone away, to the point that Nikki had to look away if he got caught up his brown eyes for too long.
Nikki knew that if his shield ever came down, Tommy would see the same longing look reflected back at him.
But Nikki couldn't have that, so he did what he always did. He swallowed the lump in his throat and ordered another double shot, praying the alcohol would blur his vision just enough so that Tommy would look like just another body in this crowded bar.
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Nikki was wasted.
Of course he was, what else is new? Drinking used to be a fun way to spend a Saturday night, now it's edging toward something deeper, the only thing that can keep his sadness about Tommy suppressed.
But tonight felt different.
His inhibitions were down, his mind was hazy, and this guy wouldn't stop touching Tommy. Tommy looked beyond disinterested in him, but he wouldn't let up, he was touching Tommy's arm, letting his fingers fall to caress the dip of his back, and leaning in closer than necessary to talk into Tommy's ear over the bar's music.
Tommy was literally rolling his eyes at the guy, turning his attention toward the strippers that were on his other side instead.
Seeing men flirt with Tommy hurt so much more than the women. It was just different . Tommy used to be insecure about the women that would throw themselves all over Nikki, but Nikki would explain to him that he had something that none of those women could even come close to comparing to.
The man's possessive hands on Tommy's body just reminded Nikki too much of when his own hands used to hold the drummer that way, and he knew that if he didn't get out of here, he was going to get into some serious trouble.
His eyes met Tommy's across the club's and yeah , the alcohol wasn't enough to dampen the caramel pools of pure fucking emotion that Tommy never could seem to be able to hide whenever he looked at the bassist, and nope- Nikki had to get out of there.
Turning on his heel, Nikki made it a point to not look back at the sound of the all too familiar voice calling his name. If he looked back, he'd stay and- dammit Tommy I'm doing this for your own good.
The California air was warm, but that did nothing to comfort him, because that just reminded him of Tommy dragging him down to the beach the night before he ended things. His smile had been so pure that day, and the salty wind had been blowing his hair in front of his face, making it a perfect fucking mess , and that's when Nikki decided this was far too deep. He would end up hurting this beautiful boy because that's what he did, and it needed to end.
But there was a hand on his shoulder now, stopping him and spinning him around, and fucking dammit. The universe had to be against him because Tommy looked so fucking distraught with his eyes sparkling with repressed emotion and the trembling he felt in his fingertips as the held onto the bassist's shoulder.
"Nikki please just stop for a second! Stop being so fucking distant and tell me what I did wrong! You said we could at least go back to being best friends, Nik, like before..."
"Fucking…. Tommy…" Nikki was fighting with his words at this point and that was never a good thing. Nikki was terrified of letting too much slip, but he responded anyway. "You can't look at me with those eyes, Tommy. You can't look at me like that while there's other people hanging all the fuck over you..."
"What the fuck do you want me to say, Nikki? I'm fucking trying , I've been trying since the day you broke this thing off! I tried my best not to feel anything for you. Guess what? I failed. I'm fucking sorry Nikki, I'll just have to fucking try harder." There were tears pooling under the drummer's bottom eyelashes by the time he finished his rant, and Nikki wanted to fucking die. He left Tommy to avoid hurting him, and he was still fucking hurting him. The bassist felt toxic in every possible way.
Nikki didn't get the chance to respond before Tommy was brushing past Nikki, headed towards their hotel, and even in this moment, with Tommy crying and Nikki desperately trying not to, Nikki could still feel the little bolt of electricity that spiked through him when their shoulders touched.
Nikki turned around, his mouth open to stop Tommy against his better judgment, against the sharp spike of protectiveness that still flooded through him at the thought of subjecting the drummer to himself again, but the other boy was gone, his long legs having already carried him into the crowd of drunken party goers littering the strip.
The pain in his chest felt almost crippling, but he chanted to himself over and over that he was doing this for Tommy.
All Nikki could do was feel a little relieved and a lot disappointed as he pulled out a cigarette and made his way to the hotel himself, tears in his eyes and praying to whatever God that was listening that he had the strength to pass up Tommy's hotel room on his way to his own.