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The last rays of the waning sun wash over him, painting his surroundings in a warm orange glow. The icy wall on which they sit is harsh and uncomfortable under him. The wind picks up, bringing cool air and the smell of autumn. Colourful leaves and seeds dance in it, twirling in the air before sailing to the ground. The only sounds accompanying it are the lapping of the waves, crickets humming in the distance and their exhales that colour the air white.
Felix isn’t entirely sure how they ended up here; as so often, they spent the day together, doing what they loved most: playing video games, ordering takeout, and talking about equally mundane and serious things. It had led them here, to the shore of a lake and a comfortable silence.
Being quiet is difficult for him, normally, but with Changbin? With Changbin, it’s simple and enjoyable. When they’re together, he can be himself, because even if they’re so very different on the surface, deep-down, they’re the same. It’s the reason they’re best friends, even if their friendship had only started six months ago. To imagine that… only six months, and yet…
Changbin moves, and the rustle of his clothes pulls him out of his mind. A glance to the other presents him with a rueful smile as he looks over the calm lake stretching before them. “When are we going to tell them?”
Preferably never, but he knows that’s impossible. Changbin’s question isn’t new or something he hadn’t thought about before, but whenever the topic came up, he likes to banish it immediately. He twirls the strings of his jacket, following the other’s gaze to spot a pair of ducks calmly floating on the water. “Soon.” He doesn’t mean it.
Changbin chuckles and bumps his shoulder. “You’ve been saying that for weeks.”
“It’s difficult, okay? I…” Really don’t want to tell them, because I don’t want them to know I lied for months. But no, that’s a lie, isn’t it? He doesn’t want their friend-group to fall apart now that they’ve all come together… but that’s only the half-truth too. No, the actual truth… He wants to be with Changbin just a day, a moment longer, like this. Like they have the previous six months. That’s the truth, because as the days passed in these six months, Felix came to love him just as he had pretended to in front of everyone.
It was easy to fall for him, because they clicked, because Changbin’s smile is enchanting and his touches burn on his skin. Were it not for the situation he had brought themselves into, he would have long since asked him out for real. But like this? Everything is a mess. They didn’t kiss, aside from the occasional peck for show. They cuddled and hugged and sat on each other’s laps when any of their friends were present.
Whenever they were alone though, they kept their distance. Nothing more than a clap on the back or a brief hug. He feels bad for it, but he looks forward to them spending time around their friends so much more these days. It meant they would touch, would cuddle and hug and be what their friends thought they were: a couple.
All that aside – the thing that bothers him most is that he can’t tell how Changbin feels about him. They can talk about anything, they know more about the other than anyone else does, their trust is endless, and he knows Changbin will be there for him always. Still, he can’t pinpoint what the other thinks of their lie.
Whenever they hug or hold hands around their friends, Changbin looks happy, smiles like the sun itself, teases him and barely leaves his side. His hands never leave Felix either and they touch so much, that Jisung, of all people, calls them a clingy couple. And then, there’s the time they spent alone. Changbin keeps to himself, rarely starting any kind of touch. His behaviour is the opposite, and it confuses him. He’s unable to read the signals, if there’re any at all, and it makes him cling to their fake relationship, because he doesn’t want to lose the chance to be close to him, even if it's fake. He wants it to be real, for god’s sake.
And all that leads to Felix pushing their inevitable break-up as far away as he can.
“Spacing out again?” Changbin eyes him worriedly.
“Sorry.” He puts on his most reassuring smile, hoping he wouldn’t pry. Changbin doesn’t, he nods and looks back to the lake where the darkening horizon makes white clouds appear grey. The air smells like dusk, fallen leaves and water. Fireflies buzz close to them, enlightening the swaying grass with their dim lights.
“Remember how this all started?” Changbin asks, a teasing edge to his voice.
“Please, don’t remind me.”
.
.
.
“… yeah, and now we’re engaged, and that’s how Jisung got this ugly bump on his head. I mean, for real. Who could have guessed he’d faint?” Chan laughs as he finishes recounting his story. Felix had heard this one four times from four different people already, so his reaction is less than enthusiastic. “And you, Lix? Still no luck in love?”
He chokes on his drink and fixes Chan with a scathing look. Damn him and all his friends for being in happy relationships and showing it constantly. This isn’t how he wanted to spend the evening: listening to everyone telling their love stories and shit. They came to the arcade to have fun, planning on playing games and getting a little drunk, but this?
Minho and Jisung were the first to disappear, barely an hour after they arrived. Some unfortunate soul would likely find them making out in a corner somewhere. If said person is lucky, they would still wear clothes, if not, well… He still has a special emergency kit for situations like those. It’s called bleach.
The rest, Hyunjin, Seungmin and Jeongin had disappeared not long after Minho and Jisung. They had been slightly drunk, and he suspects they sneaked their way into the closed off children’s section and fell asleep in the ball pit. It wouldn’t be the first time it happened.
Which left Chan with Felix, and that’s like getting all numbers right in bingo, because Chan is drunk, and a drunk Chan is a babbling Chan. Babbling Chan also loves telling every little intimate detail of his relationship. But that’s not even the worst part, because Felix had already known everything that Chan told him and man, why isn’t the alcohol working today? Does he honestly have to endure this sober?
Still, despite them being obnoxious and teasing him, he’s glad all his friends are happy and have someone. It’s only him who’s lonely, having no one but his mirror to tell him compliments. Not that it’s not his own fault: he’s too damn picky. Still, having everyone constantly ask him about his love-life even though they know it’s none-existent is annoying. Which is precisely why Felix said what he said that very day, and he would never admit to any other reason: “Just for your information: I have a boyfriend.”
“Oh?” Chan’s eyebrows shoot up, but he smiles, “really? Man, that’s awesome! I thought you would stay single forever.” Chan laughs and ouch that hurt. “Who is he? Why didn’t you introduce us?”
Ah yes, details. That’s what his plan is lacking. Not that he had one in the first place. “Well, you see… There hasn’t been a good time for it yet.”
“No? But we’re all here today. You could have brought him.” Oh-uh, that’s right, shit.
“I mean, I guess…” No, he shouldn’t, he really “… you could say he’s here today.” Oh shit. He’s an idiot, and that’s final. He panics inwardly, because this isn’t going to his non-existent plan at all.
“He is? The hell you waiting for mate? Bring him here!” Chan demands, good-heartily as ever, and shoos him away.
“Ah- Well, I mean- “He stutters, voice pitching higher, he’s really done it now. “Well, all right. Wait here. I’ll just- I’ll go get him.” He jumps out of his seat as if it bit him and rushes out of the room in a way that probably makes it looks as if he really needs to use the bathroom. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck him. Why? Why would he do this to himself? With a sigh, he scurries along the adjoined hallway that leads to the clawing machines. What is he supposed to do? Chan looked genuinely happy and… He doesn’t have much hope, but maybe he could find someone to play his boyfriend? No, that’s… that would make everything worse. He should tell Chan. Or should he? He had honestly looked so happy just now, and… No, no. He brought himself into this mess, so he might as well rise to the challenge.
The clawing machines line up on either side of him, the room is almost empty, so his eyes naturally stop the only person present: Changbin. Felix knows him, well, he knows his name. He’s a regular here, and they spoke that one time – he cringes inwardly – when he had a drunken meltdown in front of one of these machines when it severely betrayed him. To this day, he’s still mad that the teddy bear never made it into his arms.
Changbin is shorter than him, looks intimidating and has an angular face, that’s oddly handsome. His voice is rough, Felix remembers that from the other’s failed attempts at consoling him. But that’s not the point, is it? No, the point the is, that his mind is already set on asking him and fuck, he needs to concentrate and just… ask him. No big deal.
Fuck, no big deal? That’s the lie of the century, he realises, as he steps closer to him and nervousness floods him. Changbin is trying to get a Munchlax out of the machine, and Felix watches him for a moment – it doesn’t help his jittery fingers to calm down. The other’s face twists in concentration and when the claw lets the Munchlax fall, he pouts as if it had insulted his height.
Felix, being the self-proclaimed master of the arcade, sees his chance immediately. Eagerly, he steps next to him and pushes all doubt and nervousness far away. “Need help with that, don’t you? You’re lucky, because master Felix is here to save your day. I can totally get that Munchlax for you and I know you want it. You totally want it, don’t you?” …God. He’s the most cringe worthy human being on this planet. Why, just why did he say that? He smiles through the pain as Changbin turns to him with a cocked eyebrow – questioning his intellect just as Felix does right now. The ensuing silence nearly kills him, for multiple reason, but mostly because he can’t believe he said that.
“Sounds an awful lot like there’s an if to it. What’s it you want?” Changbin’s voice is teasing, and he smirks and Felix barely avoids choking. Fuck him.
“Nothing much really, justletmedothisquickly.” His incoherent mumbling is pierced by a nervous chuckle as he pushes Changbin aside with his body. He takes the control and thanks god that Changbin doesn’t comment. What he doesn’t thank for, is the fact that the other stays close as Felix works, bodies touching in multiple places and shooting the blood into his cheeks. Hoping to escape the embarrassment that is himself, he busies himself and prays for it to work the first time. Luckily, it does.
“Here’s your Munchlax.”
“Thanks, it’s a Snorlax, though. What’s it you want?” Changbin prompts and startles Felix out of his staring.
“Be my boyfriend.” He blurts out and flushes madly. Shit, what the fuck is wrong with his mouth today. “Wait, I mean, uh, I need you to play the part, because my friend thinks I have one.” Can’t he go a minute without embarrassing himself? Jesus.
Changbin’s resulting stare is unnerving. It’s as if the other tries to find out if he’s joking or not, and Felix is not made for situations like these. He hates silence and prays the floor will swallow him, but then Changbin shrugs. “All right.”
“Fuck, really? I mean, uh, great, come.” He beelines for the door, before he’s capable of doing or saying anything cringy again. A few steps short of it, an arm winds around his middle and pulls him back – it’s without doubt Changbin and he flushes when the other’s chest presses to his back.
“Not so fast, Felix. We don’t look like a couple like this. Give me your hand.” Changbin releases him and doesn’t wait for his consent before taking his hand and intertwining their fingers. It’s much too intimate. He can barely hear anything over the rapid pounding in his chest. “Damn, your hands are tiny. Cute.” That seals it: the blood is now a permanent resident in his cheeks. He decides to not respond – too much shit left his mouth already. Instead, he walks next to the other, trying to ignore the pleasing feeling of someone complimenting him while holding his hand.
Too soon, they arrive at the bar. Chan is busy on his phone, back turned to them. He’s not ready for this, but he’s come further than he thought he would, and he’s too proud to turn back now. Fuck his loose mouth. It’s the last coherent thought as he places himself and Changbin opposite of Chan. The elder doesn’t notice them, so he clears his throat, which prompts the Aussie to look up. What follows is nerve-wrecking enough that he thinks he might faint: Chan seizes him up and smiles, then turns to Changbin and loses his smile immediately. His mouth falls open like a fish’s as he stares, and Felix believes it’s because Chan thought he lied about his boyfriend.
“Channie, this is Changbin. My boyfriend.” The words leave him with a touch of pride at having proved the other wrong, no matter how big of a lie it is. Chan doesn’t comment for a time, mustering Changbin instead. Some pride dwindles to make room for doubt. Is it obvious? He wouldn’t see through the lie, would he?
“… you’re sure, Lix? This is your boyfriend?” Chan eventually asks, disbelief clear, and Felix has none of that, he-
“Yah! What’s that supposed to mean, old man!” Felix doesn’t get to answer, because Changbin takes it upon himself to do so.
“Old man? Old man?! At least my face isn’t a fucking triangle!”
“Channie- “Felix tries to do something, because he has a nagging feeling this isn’t going well, but they ignore him.
“At least a triangle is sharp and not as dull as you!”
“Did you just call me dumb?!”
“Guys, please- “
“And what if I did?”
“Okay, that’s it! Come here, you little shit!”
“God, Channie, put that down!” Felix hastily takes the bottle from his fingers and wrecks his brain for where and why this has gone wrong. If his fucking brain to mouth filter would work, he wouldn’t have been in this mess, but now- His mind stutters to a stop when the two suddenly break out laughing. He looks from one to the other, not understanding what’s going on at all, but… It’s better than them arguing, right?
Felix stays silent as the two laugh… and people tell him he’s weird.
As soon as they stop their weird laughing fit, Chan orders them drinks. As if nothing happened, they settle around the table and talk. Chan doesn’t touch the topic of his boyfriend anymore, apparently accepting that Changbin is who Felix makes him out to be. Occasionally, warm fingers brush along his side, drawing warm circles over his shirt and whenever it happens, he’s so hyperaware he can hear Changbin’s breath overly loud in his ears. More than once does Chan stare at him, a thoughtful gleam in his eyes.
As the evening draws to a close, he can’t help his surprise at not being found out. For real, it must have been obvious. Chan must be drunk to not have noticed it. Then again… Changbin played his role dutifully... Whenever their looks crossed, the other smiled at him, pressing his hand to his lower back or tugging him into a sideways hug. Yeah, he played it well and kindly ignored his imploding heart. Maybe Chan not realising isn’t that weird at all. He likely didn’t suspect a thing.
Changbin is the first to leave that evening. He hugs Chan and turns to Felix, a twinkle in his eyes accompanied by a smirk. For a moment, he thinks the other will kiss him and he’s shocked to realise that he wouldn’t even mind. Changbin doesn’t though. He pecks his cheek, pats his head and leaves with a wink.
With Changbin gone, Felix collects his remaining brain cells that didn’t burn away by his embarrassment, cringe and pounding heart. With a deep inhale that doesn’t help him gather courage as he hoped it would, he turns to Chan. At this moment, he expects him to say many things, but all that Chan says is: “Keep him close, Lix. He’s good for you.”
The words expand rapidly in his mind and he decides, right at this moment, he might just do that.
Later, much later in that night, Chan gets a call from the police. Something about break-ins and ball pits.
.
.
.
An unpleasant shudder crawls over his spine as he remembers that night. God, that Changbin even stayed with him all this time. As if on cue, latter gets up and walks towards the shore. The water touches his shoes, reflecting the stars that shine in the black night sky. They glitter merrily high above, unbothered by the darkness surrounding them. A faint streak catches his eyes, and he realises only a heartbeat later what it had been.
“Oh, Binnie, there- “He stops mid-sentence, too enraptured by the sky as more and more shooting stars illuminate it. One after the other, they fly by, gift them with their short-lived beauty only to vanish again. He gets up, words lost on him, and finds his way next to Changbin. Mesmerised, he can’t take his eyes of the view: One streak after the other, one more beautiful than the other.
“Do you remember how Chan reacted when you first introduced me to him?” Changbin asks after a while, voice softer than he had ever heard it.
“He… was being weird.”
Changbin chuckles, “when is he not? What I mean is, I- “He falters and inhales. It sounds as if he’s trying to calm himself. “I have to confess something, Lix.” That’s it, isn’t it? He doesn’t exactly know what it is, but he’s frozen to his spot and his heartbeat is speeding up. God- “Chan, Jisung, and I… We’re childhood friends. We’ve known each since pre-school.” Changbin pauses, letting the indication sink in before continuing. “They knew all along that we weren’t really dating.” He confirms what Felix's mind had already concluded.
That’s… He doesn’t understand… If they knew, why hadn’t they called them out? And why would Changbin bring it up, like this, out of the blue? A hand on his shoulder stops his thoughts, but doesn’t answer his questions. He turns to Changbin, who awaits him with a tentative smile that radiates nervousness – it’s nothing he’s used to from the other, and it makes his stomach twist in anticipation. The lights play over the other’s face prettily, and even before the thought forms, his breath hitches. Nothing ever was as beautiful as Changbin standing before him right here, in this very moment.
“The thing is…” Changbin continues and Felix has trouble following him for a moment, “the thing is, I asked them not to call us out.” The words should shock him, but Changbin is suddenly close to him, closer than he normally would when they’re alone. A warm hand cups his cheek, thumb caressing his freckles slowly and conscious thought calls it a day. “I thought often about stopping this lie, about telling everyone the truth, but I was selfish. I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted to have you close with me. Wished it to be real because I wanted you to be mine. I still do.”
The following silence is pressing and thick with something Felix never dared hope would be real. His breath is anything but stable, his fingers tingle and it’s a little as if he’s flying, not touching the ground – emotions too much to process, because this… couldn’t real, could it? They look at each other, and affection is so plainly written in Changbin’s eyes, he can’t help but wonder if it had been there all along. He can’t tell who, him or Changbin, but it doesn’t matter, because they both lean in until their noses touch and warm breaths mingle.
“With time,” Changbin whispers, “I realised that you were just as selfish as I was.” He hears the words, but doesn’t process them, because Changbin’s lips brush his again and again and it’s making his head spin – he gives in, uncaring if he’s cutting him off and seals their lips together. Finally, finally, after all this time. The feelings, the way Changbin immediately responds, it’s like an explosion of a million fireworks in his body. His fingers curl into the other’s shirt, pulling him close before engulfing his neck fully – Changbin does the same, arm curling around his hip and palm pressing to his lower back.
They part for a breath before kissing again. Their lips move together and part as they deepen the touch, tongues dancing with each other. It’s sweet and filled with all the love they pretended to feel for months – just that this is real, very, very real and Felix’s heart is not okay. It’s about to explode in happiness, giddiness and everything else that’s surging through him, but he can’t fucking care. This is perfect, everything that led to this moment is, and especially Changbin.
Later, when the cold bite of the night drives them apart, they huddle close and Changbin’s hands linger on his back. “You planned this, didn’t you? Confessing during the meteor shower?”
Changbin smiles into his hair, “yeah… someone as pretty as you deserves something as beautiful as this.”
Sap, what a sap. But Felix doesn’t say it out loud, because truthfully? He experienced nothing more perfect than this. So he smiles and rests his head on his now-for-real-boyfriend’s shoulder.
.
.
.
“Man, I can’t believe I lost.”
“You owe me 50, Sungie.”
“Channie~ Come on, you know I’m poor, have pity with a poor squirrel.”
“Guys? Guess who called.”
“I’d rather not.”
“It’s always bad when you ask this question.”
“Right, well. Get the car ready.”
“Oh no, not again.”
“Please tell me it's not the ball pit.”
“I’ve got bad news for you then.”