Chapter Text
The penetrating sound of tires squealing, glass shattering, metal twisting. The chill of the cool night air as it whipped across your rain soaked skin. The darkness – almost pitch black. The feeling of being trapped with no way out…
Junhee woke with a deep breath, sweat damp on his skin. He stared at the ceiling, remembering where he was…and where he wasn’t. He closed his eyes again, focusing on calming his rapidly beating heart. He was in his bed, in his room, in his house. It was warm and dry in here, not wet and cold. But somehow, he still shivered at a phantom chill. Junhee sighed, slowly sitting up, and dropping his head in his hands. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for a while, if at all. He rarely did when he had nightmares, his body unable to fully relax properly. Luckily it wasn’t very often that he had to deal with them, maybe a couple times week at most. Not like Sehyoon, who he knew was plagued with the same nightmares almost every night. Even if he tried to hide it from Junhee and Byeongkwan. Junhee honestly didn’t know how his best friend got any rest. Maybe he didn’t.
The soft sound of clinking glass from the kitchen told him it was one of those nights for roommate also. With a sigh, Junhee scooted himself to the edge of the bed, stretching and bending his arms to warm them up before grabbing his nearby crutches. Holding his breath, he lifted himself up, feeling the familiar dull pain that stretched from his hands to his shoulders. He wondered if there would ever be a day he could do this without feeling like collapsing. At the moment, it seemed unlikely. There were so many things about his life that seemed unlikely now.
Junhee made his way to the kitchen, gritting his teeth as his arms shook from his weight. As expected, Sehyoon stood in the kitchen in an oversized t-shirt, hair mussed from sleep, bringing a glass filled with water to his lips. Junhee sank down in the chair across the bar from him, his joints feeling as if they would give an audible sigh of relief if they could. Sehyoon gave him a small smile, and moved to grab another glass from the cupboard. A few moments later, he slid the glass filled with water in front of Junhee.
“Can’t sleep?” Sehyoon asked, already knowing why they were both awake. Junhee snorted, sipping at the cold water, enjoying the relief it brought to his parched throat. Sehyoon dragged his fingers over the condensation that had built on his glass, eyes trained on the droplets that slid down to the counter. Junhee could tell he had been crying – his eyes noticeably bloodshot. He knew that Sehyoon’s sleep had been interrupted for at least the past three nights. Junhee had heard his whimpers and screams through the ceiling.
“What was it this time?” Junhee questioned. He knew that he was the only one who had the privilege to ask this question. Anyone else would be scolded, or just plain ignored. Sehyoon wrapped both of his hands around his glass, not taking his eyes from it.
“The rain.” He whispered. “The cold.”
“Me too.” Junhee nodded. He wondered if it had to do with the scattered rain and overcast that had plagued Seoul the last few days.
“I’m so tired.” Sehyoon breathed, rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair. Junhee knew that Sehyoon didn’t just mean that he was tired in that moment because he had woken up. Junhee knew because he was tired in the same way. “Kwan and I were talking earlier...I think…” Sehyoon sighed. “I think I’m going to call the doctor in the morning. Get a recommendation for a therapist.”
Junhee sat up straighter looking at his best friend in surprise. Sehyoon had shown no interest in talking about anything, except to Junhee, and even that was limited. Junhee understood, since he was the same way. He felt that if he talked about it, it would only feel more real, only get harder.
“Really?” Jun asked in surprise.
“Yeah, I just…I still don’t think it will help, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t sleep, Jun. I’m going to go crazy if I have another month like this one.”
“It could help.” Junhee tried, attempting to stay positive for his best friend, even if he couldn’t for himself.
“It can’t hurt.” Sehyoon said, taking a drink, pausing before speaking again. “Neither would physical therapy.”
Jun deflated, letting out a tired sigh and rubbing his eyes.
“Yoon, we’ve been over this—”
“You’re not living, Jun. You can barely get around.”
“I get around fine.” Jun gritted his teeth, looking away. He hated this conversation.
“Junhee.” Sehyoon said softly, leaning on the counter so that he was eye level with him. “What are you so afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid.” Jun lied through his teeth. “I just know it won’t help.”
“No, you don’t know that.” Sehyoon challenged. “If I’m going to a shrink, you can get your ass to a physical therapist.” Sehyoon’s smirk made him relax slightly.
“Oh, now you’re going to leverage that against me?” Junhee teased, raising an eyebrow. “I’m okay.”
“No, you’re not.” Sehyoon turning serious again. “Not physically, or mentally, or emotionally. Because neither am I.” Junhee stared at his glass, feeling his mind race.
“What are you going to do otherwise? Waste away in your room until you decide to—” Sehyoon cut himself off, swallowing loudly. Jun didn’t want to look at him, knowing what he was going to say. And hating it. He hated it. He hated almost everything, hated his ceiling that he stared at for hours upon hours as he laid in his bed, hated how much a nuisance he had become over the past several months. But he especially hated himself. Him and his useless body. But he didn’t hate his best friends. He could never. Even though he tried.
“I—” He cleared his throat. “I wouldn’t do that to you guys again.” Jun remembered their faces when he woke up. The pained expressions that he himself had put there. Especially Byeongkwan. He had been the one to find him sinking into the overfilled bathtub, barely conscious. He remembers the wails of his best friend before plunging into full darkness.
“What about you? You should want to get better for you, not us.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” Jun challenged. “Talking to a shrink for you and not because Kwan won’t stop bugging you?”
“I’m going,” Sehyoon crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Because I know he’s right. I won’t be able to function if I can’t sleep. Sleeping pills don’t help. This might.” He shrugged.
Silence echoed in the dimly lit kitchen. Unlike Sehyoon, Jun didn’t think Byeongkwan was right. Nothing could help him. Not his mind. Not his body. The idea of going to therapy, putting in that effort, and then finding out he could never again be who he once was – there was nothing more painful than that. Jun would rather waste away in the darkness of his room, hating himself all the while, than put himself through that. This was his life now. He had accepted it. He hated it. But he had accepted it.
“I hope it works for you.” Jun said quietly, taking a gulp of his water, which was now closer to room temperature.
“Junhee…” Sehyoon frowned, eyes downturned in a sad expression. He knew that he put that look on his friend’s face.
“I can’t Yoon. I just can’t.” Jun stated with finality, grabbing his crutches. They both knew the conversation was over. As Junhee made his way back to his bed, disappointment seeped into his chest. Disappointment in himself, in what he had become. But there was no turning back now. That’s what he repeated over and over in his head, constantly convincing himself it was impossible to move forward.