Archive of Our Own

Bucky Barnes didn’t mean to turn into the Avenger’s personal cuddle kitten. He had just always been a hands-on kind of guy. Not in a way that was rude, or disrespectful – Steve would have kicked his ass if he’d been groping women who didn’t want it – but he drifted towards physical contact. When he was with a woman, that meant a hand at the small of her back or an arm around her waist or even just holding hands. With other men – especially Steve – it was an arm around the shoulders or a quick pat on the back. Bucky was never shy of hugging anybody; he loved to touch and be touched, seemed to gain energy just from the contact of other people.

He’d been back two weeks now though – two weeks of living in Avengers Tower, getting to know everyone and readjusting to the world – and he hadn’t touched a soul. Sure, there’d been a hug, a long one, when he’d first shown up on Steve’s doorstep in Brooklyn. But Steve had immediately dragged them off to this massive phallic symbol that Stark had built (“better security, less media frenzy”) and Bucky’d been given his own suite, bigger than any apartment he and Steve had seen growing up. Since then, Bucky had been radiating “hands off” vibes at Steve – he knew it was confusing the guy, hurting his feelings, but he couldn’t help it. He’d known from the moment of that first hug that any touching from Steve right now was more than he could deal with.

The other Avengers had accepted Bucky almost immediately, to his astonishment. Some of it was out of respect for Steve, sure, but they also seemed to genuinely not blame him for what had gone down when he’d been under Hydra’s control. He was grateful for that, and he was reaching the point where he thought he could call them his friends, even. But they weren’t on a touching basis yet, not on the level he was after.

Bucky sat now, sipping his coffee and watching Natasha and Sam fight over the proper way to scramble eggs. They all had their own kitchenettes, but somehow it was just…nicer…to hang out in the common areas and eat together, most days. You never knew who’d show up, but there’d always be at least a few of them and Bucky liked to just absorb it all.

“C’mon Barnes, back me up…you’ve gotta add a little shredded cheddar to the eggs, give ‘em some oomph, am I right?” Sam was next to Nat, holding a bag of pre-grated cheese, while she studiously ignored him and continued slowly stirring the eggs in the skillet. Maybe she wasn’t ignoring him entirely, because she gave Sam a quick hip-check and an elbow in the ribs to keep him from getting anywhere near her eggs with that cheese. Bucky envied that – the casual physical intimacy of their friendship.

“Simple is good, Sam. You should be able to taste the egg in your eggs. You don’t have to drown every flavor with cheese, you know. I’ve seen what you do to your pasta.” Sam pasted a hurt and offended look on his face, then shook the cheese in Bucky’s direction. “Barnes? A vote?”

Bucky held his hands up in surrender, refusing to be drawn in. “Hey, if the lady is willing to cook, I’m going to shut my mouth and be grateful for whatever she wants to put on my plate.” This earned him an approving smirk from Natasha, who’d made it very clear earlier that she was not making the eggs because she was a woman, but because she didn’t trust Sam to get them right. She grabbed Sam’s shoulder and pointed him back towards the fridge, making a shooing motion to indicate that he should put the cheese away, then smacking him lightly on the ass to get him out of her space. And damn, Bucky wanted to be over there, to be a part of that. Instead, he set his coffee down and headed for the silverware drawer, grabbing what he needed to set the table for breakfast. He watched out of the corner of his eye, envious of the way Sam would grab Natasha’s elbow to keep from bumping into her when he went to the pantry to get the English muffins, or the way Nat rubbed her hand over Sam’s head as she teased him about needing a haircut.

Bucky’s problem was that he wanted – needed – to be touched. He had all of his own memories, but he also had the memories of the Winter Soldier. Those memories were blurry, out-of-focus, like watching a movie while drunk. Still, he knew exactly how long it had been since someone had touched him with kindness or caring or in any way that didn’t involve examining him, hurting him, or repairing him for the next mission. Bucky’s craving to be touched had reached a level usually reserved for air and water, and he knew that, in some way, he needed it in order to finish putting himself back together again. Steve would give him whatever he wanted, but that was exactly why he couldn’t go to Steve. So Bucky began plotting – what would it take to get one of his new friends to cuddle with him?

***

Movie night was his best chance. Every Monday and Wednesday, whoever was in the building would gather in Stark’s massive media room to argue over films and throw popcorn at each other and basically be a bunch of dumbasses. If the world could see the way the Avengers acted on movie night, the world would collectively shit its pants, because those punks did NOT seem capable of saving anybody. Needless to say, Bucky fucking loved it. It was so…normal. Nobody to be saved or hunted, no business or debriefings – just a bunch of people pretending to be average and watching bad action flicks (if Natasha won the battle) or cheesy romantic comedies (strangely, that was Clint).

Bucky picked movie night for two reasons. First, the media room was filled with giant, overstuffed sofas arranged on tiered seating levels. Usually they’d end up at least three to a couch, so it seem weird if he sat down next to somebody. Second, Steve was always late for movie night – those were the same evenings that he’d set up to visit the veteran’s hospital. Bucky knew he’d have some time to put the moves on his chosen cuddle buddy before Steve showed up and got in the way.

“Hey, Sam, what are we watching tonight?” It was Sam’s turn to pick the movie, so Bucky made idle conversation while scoping out the room. For his first try, Bucky was going to attempt Natasha, mainly because she was a woman. He’d been told things were different now, that men could openly have relationships, but he still didn’t know how any of the guys on the team would react if he tried to get close to them. Pepper was always with Tony, so Natasha was his best bet. He knew he’d have to be subtle, smooth, cautious, but he was pretty sure he could maneuver things to get some physical contact from her. Not a lot. He didn’t need a lot, he didn’t think – just enough to remember what it was to be human, to be part of the world.

Bucky had timed his arrival carefully; he didn’t want to be obvious about waiting for Nat to get there, but he also didn’t want the spot next to her to get taken. He busied himself by grabbing a soda and some candy from Stark’s fully-stocked mock concession stand as Sam responded, “Titanic. Man, it’s epic – greatest love story ever.” Bucky realized it’d been kind of a stupid question since he’d never heard of any of the movies anyway, but he wondered how anyone could make a love story out of a ship sinking. Sam assured him he’d be “crying like a baby and then the song, man, the song…it’s gonna break your heart,” and wow, that sounded like just what Bucky did not need.Then he saw Nat stroll in and curl up in the corner of the second couch, so he drifted over and dropped down next to her – just a little closer than normal, not obviously invading her space.

“So…ummm…hey Nat.” She raised an eyebrow at him, and Bucky scrambled for something to add. “Sam picked Titanic for tonight.” As soon as he dropped that bomb, Natasha gleefully jumped on Sam about his preference for “schmaltz so sappy you could sell it as syrup,” while Bucky inwardly cringed at his lack of finesse. Time was, Bucky Barnes had been a pro at this. He could take a girl out dancing and by the end of the night, she’d be sitting in his lap, convinced it had been her idea in the first place. Now, he wondered where the hell all of his “smooth” had gone. He’d apparently lost the ability to even talk to women. It might’ve been easier if he actually were trying to get in Natasha’s pants – maybe he’d remember those moves – but he wasn’t after someone to fuck. God no, he was in no way ready for that yet. He just wanted to feel a little more…connected…to this world he’d woken up in. Just to press up against her, and feel a little less alone. He had to be damned sure, in fact, not to make her think he was trying to get her naked, because that would bring a whole bucket of awkward and possibly an ass-kicking down on his head.

Tony and Pepper arrived with Clint in tow, and the ribbing over Sam’s movie selection gained momentum. “No, Sam, no…not again…not after Steel Magnolias and Moulin Rouge!…is this because I refused to put a rocket launcher in your wings? This is your way of punishing me,” Tony complained. Pepper applauded Sam’s choice because apparently she’d always had a thing for some actor named Leo, which made Tony fly even further off the handle, muttering something about a New Year’s Eve party and “competing with fucking Gatsby.”

Clint grabbed a beer, chiming in with, “Tony just hates spending the next week crying every time Sam picks the movie,” which earned him a smack on the back of the head from Tony. Bucky kept quiet, not knowing enough about the movies to really join in, but loving that he was included at all. It reminded him of the days he and Steve had spent with the Howling Commandos. He turned to Natasha, asking, “Are Sam’s picks really that bad?”

Nat laughed and reached for some popcorn from the giant bowl Clint had just dropped on the table. “Bad is the wrong word. More like ridiculous. Mushy. Sentimental.” She winked at him, and Bucky guessed that maybe Nat actually kinda liked the sappy love stories, but there was no way she planned on letting Sam know that. He wondered if that sentimental streak would help his cause? He sure as hell hoped so, because with his newfound lack of charm, he needed all the help he could get.

Subtlety was the key. Each time Bucky leaned forward to grab some popcorn from the bowl, he settled back just a little bit closer to Nat. Each time he crossed his legs or shifted position, he scooted a little bit further to his right. Not very far with any one movement, though – just enough. Onscreen, Jack was teaching Rose how to spit – this guy had even worse moves than he did – and Bucky shifted again. He was close enough that he could smell whatever fruity stuff she used in her hair…just a couple more inches, so close…when she quietly murmured, “Barnes.”

Bucky met her eyes and shit, subtle and cautious were not enough with Natasha Romanoff. Nothing slipped by this woman, and her raised eyebrow said she had been aware of his every action and was just waiting to see where in the hell he was going with this. Smooth apparently hadn’t made a sudden return to his skill set, either, because he just opened his mouth and then shut it a couple of times. What could he say? “So we don’t know each other that well, but please snuggle me?” The only saving grace was that they were on the rear couch, so nobody else had witnessed his idiocy.

Natasha stared at him a minute, at his eyes, and he waited for a well-deserved reprimand. But then her face softened, as though she’d seen something she hadn’t expected, and she…she lifted her arm. Holy cow. It was a clear invitation to cozy up against her side, and no way in hell was he turning that down. Somehow she’d understood what he needed and she was offering to give it to him.

Bucky slid down, nestled his head on her shoulder and his side against hers, and it was everything he’d been craving. He breathed in her scent and absorbed the way her hand settled lightly on his back, and while he didn’t want her – not like that – damn, he wanted this. He could finally let go, stop holding himself in so tightly, and let someone else do it. Just for a few minutes, he promised himself. He’d sit up before the rest of the gang noticed, before it got weird…

***

Steve was late to movie night, again. He’d gotten caught up trading stories about Italy with a WWII vet, and couldn’t make himself leave until the guy had finished. He figured he’d missed the first hour of whatever they were watching, but he was used to that by now – he‘d just Google it on his phone and figure out what was going on. He was glad, though, that Bucky felt comfortable going to movie night without him, that he’d been so easily accepted by the rest of the team. He was especially glad since it was damned obvious that Bucky did not feel comfortable with him.

His best friend had been back for weeks now, but somehow…he was still gone. Bucky had his own memories and he talked and laughed and acted like everything was fine, but the Bucky he knew had never slid carefully away from Steve’s hand on his shoulder. And it was common knowledge throughout the team that Bucky Barnes did not sleep. He wandered the Tower at night, sometimes watching TV, sometimes looking things up on the Internet, sometimes just walking the different floors. Steve had asked Jarvis once if Bucky slept at all, and Jarvis had confirmed that Bucky did get some sleep, that when he reached the end of his endurance he’d crash for an hour or so wherever he happened to be. Still, it was obvious that all was not right with his friend, and Bucky was shutting him out.

Steve slipped inside the media room and was surprised at the silence. The movie was playing – Titanic, one he’d seen before – but there was no taunting, no popcorn flying through the air, none of the usual chaos he associated with Avengers movie nights. Nobody, in fact, seemed to actually be watching the movie – they were all turned around, staring at…Natasha?

He edged closer, trying to figure out what was so fascinating about Nat tonight. He’d missed commenting on her new haircut once, and she’d kicked his ass in training for three days as punishment. But it wasn’t actually Natasha they were staring at after all; it was Bucky, asleep with his head on Nat’s lap. He looked like a throw blanket made of muscle, with his arms wrapped lightly around Nat’s waist and her fingers softly combing through his hair. Steve was stunned. Not only was Bucky touching someone, but he was sleeping. With his eyes closed, the stress of what he’d been through gone from his face, Bucky looked exactly the way he had when Steve used to sketch him sleeping in their apartment in Brooklyn. It broke his heart to see it, but it gave him hope, too – that maybe things could get back to normal, whatever normal meant for two men who were so far from home and could never go back.

Steve looked at Natasha in awe, and breathed the only word he could think of: “How…?” She shrugged. “He kept scooting closer to me, so I just…let him. And then…” she shrugged again, and used her free hand to indicate the sleeping man in her lap. Steve just shook his head in wonder. Maybe all Bucky had needed to be able to let go was a woman’s touch?

Tony’s willingness to keep his mouth shut had expired, and he chimed in from where he was snuggled with Pepper on the front couch. “Awww, looks like all the big bad assassin needed was some cuddle time.” Sam stretched out a leg to kick him, but he was grinning, because it was kind of funny to see the deadly Winter Soldier curled up in Nat’s lap like a sleepy kitten. They’d all gotten used to Bucky, accepted him as a friend, but it was something else entirely to see him looking so vulnerable. In sleep, he looked young and innocent, and Tony had to get the last word in. “Don’t you just want to pinch his wittle cheeks?”

Steve didn’t know what to do. His friend had obviously needed comfort, but it hurt that he hadn’t turned to Steve for it. Everyone was watching him to see how he’d react, so he did the only thing he could – settled himself on the couch at Bucky’s feet, grabbed some popcorn, and pretended that the fate of Jack and Rose was the most interesting thing in the world.

***

Bucky woke up feeling rested, which was strange. He also seemed to be in the media room, and fuck, had he fallen asleep during the movie? He sat up fast, realizing that the screen was dark and the room empty. Well, mostly empty – Steve was sitting on the other end of the couch, holding a book but watching Bucky with an expression that said that was all he’d been doing for a while now. Bucky cleared his throat, but couldn’t figure out what to ask, so all that came out was a confused, “Whuu..?” Steve smiled as he closed the book, explaining, “You fell asleep during the movie, and it seemed better to let you rest. Thought you might be disoriented when you woke up, so I just….” Steve shrugged, “…stayed.”

Glancing at his watch, Bucky realized he’d been out for nearly four hours – the longest he’d slept in one chunk since he’d gotten himself back. He couldn’t remember lying down, definitely didn’t remember grabbing the soft blanket that was over his legs. The last thing he remembered was…he glanced at Steve, wondering just what his friend had walked in on.

Steve met his gaze with a wry smile. “Yeah, you were using Nat as a pillow. She slipped out when the movie ended, tossed a blanket on you instead.” It was obvious, right there – the questioning look in Steve’s eyes, the invitation to talk, and the slight hurt that Bucky had curled up with Nat instead of him. But Bucky couldn’t, he just couldn’t go there. Instead he stood, stretched, and tossed the blanket at Steve. Unable to meet his friend’s eyes, Bucky muttered, “Thanks for staying with me. Think I’ll go crawl in my own bed now.”

They both knew it for the lie it was – Bucky wouldn’t be sleeping any more that night – but Steve didn’t call him on it. He just sat silently on the couch as Bucky slipped out the door, holding the blanket that smelled of his friend, and wishing it was Bucky draped across him instead.

***

“Bucky snuggles” quickly became a routine. As soon as Natasha sat down, Bucky would curl up next to her, and before the movie was ten minutes in, he’d be asleep in her lap. Then came the night that Nat was gone on a mission, and Bucky hesitated in the doorway, unsure what to do. Sam saw him, smiled, and dropped down in the corner that had become Natasha’s usual spot. “Hey man,” he called out, “grab the popcorn from the microwave, will you?” He lifted his arm and gestured for Bucky to join him, and after dumping the popcorn in a bowl and shaking on some of the parmesan cheese that Sam was addicted to, Bucky settled in gratefully. Turned out that it didn’t need to be Natasha, specifically – he just needed the human contact to settle him, to help him feel connected and safe long enough to let his guard down and sleep.

Pretty soon, everyone was taking a turn, because cuddling Bucky was like having a very fierce kitten to pet. He’d settle his head happily on Clint’s shoulder, or in Pepper’s lap, and let his hair be stroked as he drifted off. Tony got jealous of Pepper’s turn, demanding, “if Grumpy Cat is really only looking to be held, how come he’s never gone after me?” Bucky just shrugged and the next time, he snuggled up with Iron Man. Bruce finally returned from a long trip collecting samples in the rainforest, and was surprised to gradually acquire a feared assassin draped across his lap, snoring softly. He lifted his hand to wake the guy, but it was actually Tony who stopped him with a shake of his head, whispering, “Shh. Just let it happen.” Once they saw how Bucky responded, the team added Friday nights to the movie schedule, too. Nobody said a word, nobody teased him, it was just acknowledged that this was what Bucky needed and they were going to give it to him.

Bucky took a turn cuddling with everyone over the next few weeks – everyone, that is, except Steve. By the time Steve arrived, Bucky was already asleep in someone’s lap, looking sweet and vulnerable and trusting. Every time, Steve stuck around until Bucky woke up, but Bucky would practically run out of the room – he clearly did not have any intention of explaining what was going on. Finally, Steve rearranged his schedule so he could be there on time, and settled into a corner spot. When Bucky showed up, Steve asked, “Hey, Buck, can you grab me a Dr. Pepper?” It was a stupid ploy, but it would get him close, and Steve made sure his body language was open – arm across the back of the couch, relaxed. Bucky grabbed the soda from the fridge, but handed it to him over the back of the sofa. Ducking his head, he avoided Steve’s gaze as he went to burrow in next to Thor.

It broke Steve’s heart. His friend – hell, the man he loved, if it came to that – would talk and joke and act like the old Bucky right up until the moment Steve got physically close. If he even brushed up against him in the hallway, Bucky would shy away, subtly but definitely. Steve didn’t know what the hell he’d done, because Bucky obviously drew so much comfort from curling up like a warm blanket on every one of their friends, but he wouldn’t let Steve so much as breathe near him. It was tearing him apart that whatever Bucky needed, he sure as hell didn’t want to get it from Steve.

***

It was Friday night, and as soon as Steve slipped into the media room, the setup was clear to him. He didn’t know whether to thank his friends, kick their asses, or hide in embarrassment. Obviously, everyone had noticed that the only person Bucky wouldn’t sit with was Steve, and the adorable idiots had decided to do something about it. They’d spread out, draped themselves over one another, filled every available space on the couches – except for one small section on the front sofa, just big enough for two adult men to sit in if they were willing to sit very, very close to one another. Steve decided to keep his mouth shut and take the win. He smiled gratefully at Nat as he settled in the corner of the couch, leaving an obvious “Bucky space” between them.

“What are we watching tonight?” Steve asked, and was greeted with the usual chorus of groans and complaints. Tony had apparently come up with something called The Covenant. “It’s a horror film, Steve! We asked him to find a comedy, and he chose something about teenage witches,” Natasha whined. For all her toughness, she was not a fan of horror movies, insisting there was enough horror in their own lives without watching it on film. Tony was laughing so hard he was in tears, trying to explain to Pepper the importance of “locker room bullying orgasms,” or something like that – Steve was certain he must’ve misheard that one.

Clint shook his head. “Nat, I’ve seen this before…it’s definitely a comedy. The Little Miss Muffet speech? Comedy gold. There’s no way anybody could be afraid of this movie.” Sam was on his phone, checking his favorite “phobia triggers in movies” website and muttering something about spiders and revenge and rocket launchers and “dammit Tony”. Steve glanced at the screen, and all the actors were amazingly hot – no doubt this film had induced fantasies in gay teens everywhere – so he figured it didn’t much matter what the plot was. Besides, he was hoping to be distracted by a lapful of Bucky. Whatever was onscreen was irrelevant.

Bucky strolled in a few minutes later, and yep, he was well-trained in making observations, too. He took in the room with one glance, then turned away quickly to grab a drink, so Steve had no idea what he was thinking. Soda in hand, face expressionless, Bucky headed in Steve’s direction, dropped his drink on the table, then proceeded to curl up on the floor at Natasha’s feet. The room was silent, but Steve could almost feel the collective, “What the ever-living fuck?!?!”

It was too much. Bucky had been through a hell that Steve couldn’t even begin to imagine, but he’d done everything he could think of to be there for the guy, and this was just too much.

Steve surged to his feet – whatever was going on, Bucky was going to tell him now, right now, and they were going to work it out. Reaching down, he grabbed Bucky’s wrist and yanked him up, and the damn super-soldier serum was worth something because he’d dragged him halfway to the door before Bucky even had a chance to protest. He didn’t, though – didn’t say a word, just silently slipped his wrist free from Steve’s grip without meeting his eyes. Whatever that was about, it hurt like hell, but even after pulling away Bucky was still following him, so they were going to fix this.

***

The Tower was massive, and Bucky had gotten lost more than once. If Jarvis hadn’t been wired throughout, ready to guide him back to wherever he needed to be, he’d probably still be wandering the “fourth esplanade, south side, section A” or whatever the hell Tony had named it. He recognized the route to Steve’s room though – even though he’d made it a point never to go there, to hang out with Steve only in the common areas, Bucky couldn’t help having memorized the location.

Steve didn’t say a word on the way there, and even once they were alone in his living room, he just paced silently. His every movement radiated anger, hurt, and confusion. Bucky was ashamed to be responsible for that. He lived now for the moments of connection he got with his new friends – waited all week for those hours when he could touch and be touched – but he had never wanted to hurt Steve. Finally, Steve met his eyes as he asked the obvious and only question – “Why, Buck?”

Bucky wasn’t sure what to say. He had too much nervous energy to sit down, so he leaned against the wall next to the door and tried to put words together into sentences.”Steve, I…” he began, but he couldn’t figure out what came after that, and damned if he wasn’t tongue-tied again. How the hell had Hydra managed to freeze every single ounce of glib out of him? Bucky Barnes was known for his silver-tongued charm, and now he couldn’t even manage to apologize to his best friend. He shoved a frustrated hand through his hair, the soft metallic whirring of his arm a counterpoint to his sigh as he tried to start again.

Steve slowed his pacing, shoving his hands into the pockets of his khakis as he wandered over. The look on his face had gone from irate to concerned. “What is it Buck? You know you can talk to me.” He reached out to put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, but visibly caught himself and pulled back. And fuck, the last thing Bucky had ever wanted to do was put that look on Steve’s face, but what the hell was he supposed to say?

Bucky closed his eyes. It was easier, somehow, to talk to Steve without looking into those worried blue eyes. “Look, I’m sorry, Steve. I know I’ve…upset you…and that was never what I wanted. I just needed…” he paused, but he couldn’t explain it. “It doesn’t matter, I’ll stop, okay? I’ll sit by myself. Just come back and hang out with us,” and here he opened his eyes before adding, “please.”

He couldn’t read any expression on Steve’s face. He was thinking, that much was obvious, but Bucky had no idea how he was taking this. Finally, Steve asked, “Is it something I did? I mean, you seem to want…you seem to want to be held, to be touched and comforted and that’s…nobody looks down on you for that. Nobody. But you don’t seem to want it from me, and you know I would give you anything you need, Buck. Anything.” Steve met his eyes, begging for an explanation.

Bucky shook his head; he couldn’t let Steve think he’d done something wrong, so he was going to have to be honest, which was almost the last thing he wanted to do. “That’s exactly the problem. I know you would. If I go to Natasha, or Sam, and they don’t want me there – they’ll tell me. They’ll push me away. You….fuck, Steve, I know you feel guilty. You shouldn’t, but I know you do. And even before,” he paused, because how to say it? “Even before – everything – I know you would have given me anything I asked for. You always had me up on some goddamn pedestal. That’s why I can’t ask you for anything, because you’ll give it to me whether you want it or not.” He met Steve’s eyes, desperately willing him to understand.

The expression in those blue eyes went straight from concern to anger, and hello there, Captain Really Pissed Off. “Seriously, Buck? That’s what this is about? You won’t let me hold you, you won’t let me be there for you, fuck” – and now Bucky was surprised, because that was his word, not Steve’s – “you won’t even let me bump into you in the hallway, because you think I don’t want that?” Steve was pacing again now, as agitated as Bucky had ever seen him, turning a few tight circles before coming to a stop in front of Bucky again. His voice now was low, tight, controlled, as if he had to keep a complete lid on what he was feeling or he’d explode. “Do you seriously believe that anything I do for you would only be out of guilt, or loyalty, or whatever it is you’ve convinced yourself of without even asking me what I felt? I must have been a hell of a shitty friend if you really think that I don’t want to give you everything you could possibly need out of love, you dumbass. It has nothing to do with guilt – I’ve loved you since we were kids. Hell, I can prove it to you.”

Steve grabbed Bucky’s right hand – the one that was still made of flesh – and dragged it down to the front of his pants, covering it with his own to press tightly against what was definitely, without question, a rock-hard super-soldier erection inside those khakis. Steve was still staring straight into Bucky’s eyes, and Bucky saw the very instant he realized what he had just done, what he’d revealed. Bucky had never seen such a look of horror on a person’s face before, not even with all the things he’d done as the Winter Soldier. Steve dropped Bucky’s hand like a hot coal and backed up rapidly, his own hands raised in the air as if there was a gun pointed at him.

“Fuck,” Steve swore softly, and that was twice in one night. “I’m sorry, Buck…I should never have…fuck.” That was three times, and Bucky would remember to mark this day on the calendar, but right then he just watched his best friend beat a hasty retreat to the balcony, leaning against the railing with his shoulders stiff and his head drooping like he’d just been told that Germany had won the war.

Bucky couldn’t even process what was going on. This was so far from how he’d expected the evening to go, it was like he’d actually fallen asleep in the media room and this was some strange dream. He had to deal with it though, he had to fix it, because they were clearly the two biggest idiots on the planet.

***

Steve was still leaning against the railing when Bucky headed out to the balcony, slipping up behind him and bracing his hands on either side of Steve’s. His friend took a deep breath, his shoulders tensing even further, but he didn’t say anything, clearly waiting on Bucky’s reaction to what he’d revealed. Bucky dropped his forehead to rest against Steve’s back and murmured, but apparently he was too quiet, because Steve softly asked, “What? I couldn’t hear you.”

Bucky lifted his head. If ever there was a time to display even a fraction of the charm he’d once had, that moment was now, and he hoped he wouldn’t mess this up completely. He cleared his throat, then repeated, “Always. I said always.” Taking a deep breath, he explained, “I have always wanted you. From the minute I figured out what I was supposed to do with my dick, I wanted to do it with you. When we were teenagers, when we were men, before the serum, after the serum – always.” Steve turned to face him, still trapped between Bucky’s arms as he leaned back against the railing, an expression of….cautious hope?...on his face.

“I haven’t touched you because I want way, way more than I should from you. When I first got back, as soon as you hugged me, I knew that if you touched me at all I would push for more and more. I’ve got decades of memories without you, Steve, and now through some fucked up trick of time and God and Erskine and Hydra, we both ended up in the same place together? It was all I could do not to jump you right there on your doorstep. But I couldn’t,” and he suspected this was going to piss Steve off again, “I couldn’t, because I was afraid you’d just let me have what I wanted. That you’d give me whatever I wanted, out of guilt or loyalty, but not because it was what you wanted.”

He was right, Steve was pissed, but he kept his tone cool. “You could’ve asked, Buck. You could’ve asked what I wanted, instead of just avoiding me and going to every other person in this damn building and curling up with them like the world’s most dangerous housecat to get what you needed. What you should have been getting from me.”

Bucky swallowed, because Steve was right, and because this next part was the scariest thing he’d ever had to say. “I’m asking now. What do you want, Steve?” He finally lifted his eyes, but he couldn’t read Steve’s gaze in the darkness, and he had no idea what his best friend – his first love, his only real love – was thinking.

Steve didn’t say a word. Instead, he pushed away from the railing, leaning in close as he slid a hand around the back of Bucky’s neck. He lowered his head, slowly, clearly giving Bucky time to object or back away, but there was no way in hell Bucky was going anywhere. He was finally being touched by Steve, and it was so much better, meant so much more, than any amount of cuddling with his friends. This wasn’t just comfort and safety and a way to feel connected, this was home, and oh god finally after so many years of wanting and denying and ignoring everything he felt, Steve’s lips were on his.

It was soft, and tentative, a kiss that wasn’t sure of its welcome, and Bucky hurried to respond, to let Steve know that yes, he wanted this, too. Bucky drew Steve into the kiss, deeper, and had Steve actually been with anyone, ever? He wanted to know but he didn’t want to ask and he sure as hell wasn’t taking his lips off Steve’s to find out now. Whatever the answer, Steve definitely didn’t have a whole lot of practice at this, so Bucky guided him gently. A soft touch of his tongue on Steve’s lower lip drew a gasp out of him, and then Bucky was inside and hell yes it was even better than he’d imagined.

Bucky took over, crowding Steve back against the balcony railing until their bodies were pressed against each other, burying his hands in Steve’s hair and just kissing the hell out of him. His tongue drove into Steve’s mouth over and over again, tasting and exploring and learning every texture and he’d been waiting so fucking long for this, so fucking long. Steve caught up quickly, sliding both hands down to grab Bucky’s ass, and he yanked Bucky even tighter against him until they could feel each other’s cocks straight through their clothes. Bucky thrust his hips a couple of times, moaning low at the perfect feel of it, and he wanted this so damned bad, but…damn. He had to do it. Steve might kill him, stopping might kill him, but he had to ask.

Bucky slowly pulled away from the kiss, drawing back to look Steve in the eyes. “This is…amazing…” – and wasn’t that the understatement of the century? –”but you didn’t actually answer the question. What do you want, Steve? How far do you want this to go?” He could see the irritation on Steve’s face, but he took a deep breath and made himself continue. “I need to know – need to make sure – that I’m not pushing you somewhere you didn’t plan on going yet. Or at all.” And yep, smooth and charming had long since fled the building, but he’d asked the question, and at least Steve didn’t look as angry as he’d feared.

Steve sighed, and started rubbing Bucky’s shoulders gently. “I want this, Buck. I spent my whole life watching you when you weren’t looking, and wanting to be all those women who got to touch you. And then you came back, and it was like maybe we were supposed to get a second chance and things could be different with us. But then you didn’t seem to want anything to do with me…” He broke off and shook his head, then grabbed Bucky’s chin and forced him to meet his gaze. “I want this. Everything. Whatever you’ll give me. I haven’t ever…anything…with anyone,” and wow, Captain America was blushing hard but Bucky’s cock jumped at the idea of being the first. “But I want to with you. All of it, everything, whatever you want to teach me or do to me, just…I want it all with you. Okay?”

That was all Bucky needed to be sure, once and for all, that this wasn’t his fantasy being pushed on Steve. And damn – he got to be first, he got to teach Steve everything, and he didn’t know why that was so fucking hot but it was, it just flat did it for him. Bucky grabbed Steve by the hair and yanked him down for a kiss, and it was even hotter than the first one because this time he knew they were going all the way, that it wasn’t going to stop with just that kiss. Steve pulled him in close again and it was like they had never stopped kissing, and they needed to get the hell off the freezing balcony so he could get the man naked, fast.

Bucky began stumbling backwards, trying to drag Steve inside without their lips coming apart, and then they were both laughing because it was so damned ridiculous. After a lifetime of not touching each other, now that they’d started neither one of them wanted to stop even long enough to get indoors. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s hips and just lifted him, and Bucky broke off kissing him long enough to grumble, “bite me, super-soldier,” before diving straight back in, tongue deep in Steve’s mouth. But he wasn’t really angry because hey look, they were back in the living room and Steve’s hands were dragging Bucky’s shirt up and off.

***

What he lacked in experience Steve was more than making up for in eagerness, and his hands ran all over Bucky’s chest, his back, his arms, just exploring and touching and damn it felt good. This was what Bucky had really been after, more than just cuddling, more than feeling safe – having someone touch him with love, because that’s what this was. The look of wonder, of awe, in Steve’s eyes as he explored Bucky’s body with his hands was everything Bucky hadn’t realized he needed. Steve wasn’t shy about touching his metal arm and maybe Bucky couldn’t feel everything on that side that he could in his flesh-and-blood hand but what mattered was that Steve was accepting it, accepting and embracing every part of him, even the parts that had literally been made to kill.

He yanked Steve’s shirt off over his head, and if his hands trembled a little at finally getting to touch Steve, so what? He’d been waiting more than a lifetime for this, and he took his time learning every plane, every curve. Bucky wanted to be in Steve so badly he could barely breathe with wanting, but he’d waited too long to rush it now. He brushed his human fingers lightly against Steve’s nipples, and Steve’s hands dropped away, his head falling back and eyes closing as a whimper escaped him. Bucky repeated the move with his other hand, and that time got a sharp intake of breath. Bucky looked up quickly, but the expression on Steve’s face was pure pleasure, not revulsion, as he muttered, “God, Buck….”

This was happening, it was actually happening, and when Bucky leaned in to nip and lick at Steve’s neck, Steve’s hands settled lightly in his hair – not controlling, just kneading and petting him like a cat. Bucky snuggled into those touches, twisting his head and loving the feel of Steve’s hands playing with his hair. He worked his way down Steve’s chest slowly, kissing every rock-hard inch of muscle before finally taking one of Steve’s nipples between his lips. Steve visibly jumped and Bucky laughed softly before beginning to suck and tongue at him, and the hands in his hair were shaking as Steve let out a soft moan.

Bucky pulled back with a grin. “Liked that, huh?” He stuck out his tongue just far enough to lap at Steve like a cat, and Steve growled before using his grip on Bucky’s hair to direct him back where he wanted him. Bucky chuckled, but gave Steve what he needed, sucking lightly on one nipple while pinching the other with his fingers. This time the moan that came out of Steve was Bucky’s name, and hearing it said that way by this man sent a pulse of sensation straight to Bucky’s already-hard dick.

Moving slow was one thing, but they needed to not be standing in the middle of the living room anymore because Bucky was desperate to get the rest of their clothes off. He hooked his fingers in the waist of Steve’s pants and pulled him towards the door that, in his own apartment, led to the bedroom. In Steve’s, it was apparently a coat closet, something Bucky didn’t register until he was halfway in. Steve was busting up. “Really, Buck? Been out of the closet five minutes and you’re ready to go back in?” Bucky’d been doing enough research online (and really, what did that say about his hopes?) to understand the reference, and suddenly he was laughing his ass off, too.

It helped, somehow. The laughter had broken the desperate tension and the need to have every part of Steve right now. He could breathe again, reminding himself that this wasn’t going to be taken from him – they had as long as they wanted to make this happen. Bucky leaned against Steve, resting his head on his chest and asking softly, “Take me to your bed, okay?” Steve pressed a kiss against the top of his head, sliding his hand down Bucky’s prosthetic arm to grasp his hand and pull him gently towards a door on the other side of the room.

***

Once they were in the bedroom, Bucky immediately set to getting Steve’s pants off. He’d seen him naked before, plenty of times, both before and after the serum – no two men could fight a war together without giving up most of their privacy. Still, it was different this time, so different knowing that he had the right to touch everything he saw. That he could look his fill without worrying about getting caught. He slid Steve’s pants and boxers off together, then with a light shove, Steve was on his back on the bed. And for a minute, all Bucky could do was look. He licked his lips, slowly, and heard a low moan coming from his own throat, because damn. Every inch of Steve was pure muscled perfection.

By the time his eyes made it to Steve’s face, the poor guy was blushing hard, and Bucky was reminded that he’d never done this before. That he was Steve’s first lover, and he needed to make damned sure he kept that in mind. He crawled onto the bed, lying down on his side next to Steve and resting one hand lightly on those perfect abs. “You still doing okay with this?”

Steve nodded, adding, “It’d be easier if I wasn’t the only one naked.” Bucky grinned and hopped back up, dropping his own pants and boxers in a pile on the floor quickly, because that was definitely an easy fix. And holy hell, the way that man looked at him was going to make him cum right then and there. Steve’s eyes were roaming his naked body like he was the best dessert ever made, and Steve couldn’t wait to eat him up. When those blue eyes stopped and fixed right on his dick, Bucky couldn’t help but take himself in hand for a few slow strokes. This time, it was Steve licking his lips and sucking in a deep breath, and when Bucky saw his friend’s cock twitch just from watching him, Bucky’s own cock leaked in response. They were turning each other on so fast, so hard, without even touching each other – how the hell good was it going to feel once they had flesh on flesh?

There was no time like the present to find out. Bucky climbed back onto the bed, resuming his position stretched out next to Steve. This time, though, he didn’t settle his hand on Steve’s stomach, but went straight for his dick instead. Watching Steve’s face for a reaction, he carefully wrapped his hand around Steve and began to stroke him – lightly, slowly, just getting a feel for every inch of his friend that he’d wanted to touch for so long. Steve’s eyelids fluttered shut and he bit his lip, whimpering a little bit, and there he went blushing again. He’d said he’d nothing, ever, but…did he really mean nothing?

“Has anyone else ever done this for you before?” Bucky didn’t care, but he kind of did, he had to know just how far Steve had gone. Steve’s eyes remained closed but his blush deepened, and he choked out, “No, just…kissing. That’s all. Only kissing.” And oh fuck that was so much more of a turn-on than Bucky had expected it to be; he watched his own hand move up and down, and considered that his was the only hand other than Steve’s own to do this. Bucky let out a whimper of his own, and Steve’s eyes drifted open, a puzzled expression on his face.

“It’s fucking hot, Steve. Knowing that I’m the only one who’s touched you like this. It shouldn’t matter, but it just…yeah. Does it for me. Knowing I get to make you feel this for the first time.” Bucky couldn’t tear his eyes away from Steve’s dick, from watching his own hand twist and pull and rub and the way Steve’s cock began to drip in response. Fascinated, he couldnt’t keep the words from pouring out of his mouth.

“I used to wonder, you know, who your first would be. When some dame would finally look at you and see what I saw and want you like this and do this for you. I fantasized about doing it myself – making sure you knew what it was like, about offering that to you, especially when I was shipping out. But I just…” Bucky shook himself a little, he didn’t want this to get depressing and this was the most he’d talked about before since he woke up and he could hear the Brooklyn coming out thick in his voice, but he also need to make Steve understand. Steve deserved to understand. “I thought about this, every night, when I was lying in bed in the same room as you. Every time I jacked myself off, I was thinking about this. About touching you. Every time I was with someone, I was pretending they were you. Every fucking time.”

Steve reached down and grabbed Bucky’s wrist, pulling his hand away from his cock, and Bucky glanced up at him in confusion. But Steve just grabbed him by the shoulders and rolled him so he was lying on top of Steve, and oh god that felt like nothing he had ever imagined. They were almost a match now, physically, so everything lined up perfectly and feeling Steve Roger’s hard cock rubbing against his own was the subject of so, so many of Bucky’s fantasies. He moaned, low and long, and then Steve was dropping kisses all over his face.

“God, Buck, finally. I spent every single night wanting this with you. You were always with women and I thought it could never, ever happen and there was no way I could ever tell you about it because I couldn’t lose you, I couldn’t. But every single fantasy I ever had was you. Even once I got the serum and I was on tour and women wanted to be with Captain America, it didn’t matter because they weren’t you. And then you were gone…” Steve took a deep breath, burying that thought before it could take hold. “And when I woke up here, it still didn’t matter. Even in this century where anyone can be with whoever they want, the only person I wanted to be with was you, so I just…didn’t.” He stilled, getting serious, and he held Bucky’s face with both hands to look straight into his eyes. “It’s like some part of me knew. Knew you were out there and I was just…waiting. Waiting until it could be you.”

Bucky knew, looking into Steve’s brilliant blue eyes, that this was the moment. Keeping his eyes on Steve’s, he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss against his lips. “I love you. Always have. Always will. No matter what century.” Steve’s eyes drifted shut and a smile lit up his face, then he wrapped his arms around Bucky tight and rolled them until he was on top.

He was pressing kisses all over Bucky’s face again, and laughing, and announced, “I love you too. I have been waiting our whole fucking lives to hear you say that. I love you too, Buck.” Yep, this day was so going on the calendar as the day Captain America lost all control of his vocabulary, but that didn’t matter right now because things had gone from serious to playful to fucking hot again in an instant. Suddenly Steve’s hips were thrusting against his, and Bucky just wrapped his legs around Steve’s ass and thrust right back, and with their cocks sliding against each other all the laughter turned into breathless panting and groaning pretty damned quick.

Bucky decided to take control again, and he rolled them back to their original position – Steve on his back, Bucky stretched out beside him. He licked his hand, then wrapped it around Steve’s dick, and this time his strokes were fast and sure and before long Steve’s hips were thrusting upwards and he was muttering, “Buck…oh God…that’s so….yes….don’t ever stop.”

But aw hell, they might have to stop because, “Steve, do you have any…? I wasn’t expecting this, it’s not like I wander around with lube in my pocket just in case.” Steve just laughed. “James Buchanan Barnes. This place was built and furnished by Tony Stark. Haven’t you explored the drawers in your bathroom yet? Do you really think every single apartment didn’t come fully stocked with anything you could possibly need for sex? Seriously, check your computer – the bookmarks are pre-loaded with porn.” Steve hopped up and disappeared into the bathroom, returning quickly with lube and a box of condoms. The latter he held up with a questioning expression, asking, “Do we need…?” But Bucky shook his head – they’d both been through enough medical testing lately to know they were in the clear, and he didn’t want even that thin of a barrier between him and Steve.

Crawling back on the bed, Steve handed him the lube and looked at him curiously. “Buck, I never thought to wonder before, because of the women, but have you? With a guy, I mean?” This time it was Bucky who blushed as he nodded slowly.

“Yeah, just to…I wondered, you know? If it was just you, or if women really weren’t what I was after. It was okay, but it was the same problem – all I could think about the whole time was you.” Bucky swallowed nervously. “Does that bother you?”

Steve grinned and shook his head. “Hell no. I’m kinda relieved, cause one of us should know what we’re doing.” He laid on his back again and pulled Bucky in close. “You’re in charge – this time.” And wasn’t that an interesting idea to explore later? But for now, Bucky focused on kissing Steve breathless as he reached for the lube. Whatever else he did, he was going to make damned sure Steve’s first time was everything he deserved. Slicking up his entire hand, he began to stroke Steve’s cock again, and quickly had him moaning in pleasure.

The next part he was less sure about – he’d only done it a couple of times – but he was going to go slow and careful and just watch Steve for every reaction.. Sliding his hand off Steve’s cock, Bucky added more lube to his fingers and then began to play ever so gently around Steve’s tight hole. Steve whimpered, shifting his legs open, allowing Bucky free rein, and Bucky slid one finger gently inside. Steve hissed in a tight breath, but the look on his face said it was pleasure, not pain. Slowly, carefully, Bucky began to ease in and out, twisting slightly and setting up a rhythm that soon had Steve lifting his hips in response. Bucky took that as a hint to add a second finger, and Steve let out a string of curses that would have had him blushing if he had even realized he was saying them. “Still doing okay, Steve? Talk to me,” Bucky murmured. He wanted to make this so good for Steve, so fucking good, and that meant he needed to know what the other man was feeling.

Steve just nodded his head a bunch of times before choking out, “Don’t stop Buck….don’t you dare stop.” So Bucky didn’t, instead adding a third finger, and that time Steve growled low in his throat in a way that set off every nerve ending in Bucky’s body. Steve Rogers was making that sound, and Bucky was pulling it from him, and that was every fantasy he’d ever had, right there.

He couldn’t wait any longer; he hoped like hell Steve felt the same way. “You ready? Can we do this yet?” Steve’s eyes opened and he looked wrecked as he answered, “I’ve been ready since the first time I watched you jack off when you thought I was sleeping.” And that was so exactly the right thing to say, because Bucky’s cock jumped and he was reaching for the lube. Steve got to it first though, and slicking his own hand, he wrapped his fingers tight around Bucky’s cock. Fuck how had they skipped this? How had he not even thought about having Steve touch him? His hand started out a little unsure, but apparently Bucky’s harsh panting and the way his fingers had forgotten they were supposed to be moving inside Steve gave Steve the encouragement he needed. He began stroking Bucky fast and tight, and apparently he’d paid close attention those nights he was supposedly asleep because he seemed to know exactly what Bucky liked best. “Damn, Steve….you have to stop or I’m gonna…” he hissed out. Steve laughed and let go, looking pretty pleased with himself.

Then Bucky was between Steve’s legs, guiding his cock to where it needed to be and pushing past the tight ring of muscle and oh fuck finally oh god he was in Steve and it was everything he’d ever needed. He slid in slowly, watching Steve’s face, but every expression he saw was pure pleasure and Steve was so tight around him and then he was in, all the way, and it was like coming home. This was what he’d been waiting for their whole lives, never thought he’d actually get, but now he was sliding slowly in and out of his best friend – the only man he’d ever loved, the only man he would ever love – and it was perfection. Somehow, probably dumb luck cause he damn sure wasn’t practiced enough at this to do it intentionally, his cock managed to hit just the right spot to bring a tense groan out of Steve. Bucky memorized the angle and the depth of that stroke and hit it again…and again…and again until Steve was gripping his shoulders and moaning “Buck….Buck….BUCKY” over and over.

Then Steve was grabbing his hand – the metal one – and wrapping it around his dick. “Please, Buck…so close…” And it was all Bucky could do to not cum right then and there, because Steve really truly did not care about his damned arm and that was possibly the sexiest thing in the world. So he wrapped that hand gently around Steve’s already-lubed dick and began stroking as he continued sliding his own dick in and out, a little faster now.

Steve hadn’t been lying – he was close, and it only took five strokes before he was cumming with a hoarse shout of Bucky’s name. That did it, that was enough to push him over, because he’d spent way too many nights imagining Steve shouting his name with cum spurting all over his chest, and now having the visual to go with it... With a grunt, Bucky pushed into Steve one last time and just lost it, lost control and his mind and all sense of anything other than Steve, finally, Steve.

He came back to himself collapsed across Steve’s chest, and he couldn’t help himself, he really couldn’t, as he murmured, “Let’s hear it for Captain America.” Steve laughed and smacked him on the ass, making Bucky’s dick twitch where it was still inside him, and he watched as Steve’s expression made it clear that he was noting that reaction for later. Bucky slowly slid out and collapsed on the bed, and Steve rolled to face him.

Grabbing his chin, Steve pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you, Buck. So much. And from now on, you snuggle with me at movie night, okay?” Bucky laughed, but nodded. There was nobody he wanted to cuddle with more, and he was going to begin immediately. He curled up against Steve’s side and it only took a few minutes for Bucky to fall fast asleep, safe in the knowledge that Steve could keep any nightmares at bay.