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Here is what Jasper Jordan does on his eighteenth birthday: he wakes up, he checks every inch of his body he can see, and then he goes into the bathroom to check the inches he couldn't see in his room. He takes a few deep breaths, reminds himself that he knew this would happen, that this was what he was expecting. He's been ready for this for so long.
Still, he'd hoped. A part of him thought that maybe, if he really, truly believed he wouldn't get a soulmate, he would, just to prove himself wrong. His plans felt like a shield, like irony would save him.
He takes a shower and dries off, stares at himself in the mirror. He could ask Monty to double-check, to make sure that there really isn't anything. Maybe it's somewhere really weird and embarrassing, tucked between his asscheeks or something. That must happen, right? People are so sure they don't have a name and then it's written in tiny print under their armpit hair or something.
Or he was right, and he knew somewhere, deep down, that he was never going to have a soulmate.
He finds a sharpie and writes Anne Smith in clear block print on his foot. If anyone looked at it very hard, they'd be able to tell it's not a real soulmark, but he doubts they will. He's not even expecting anyone to ask to see it, but it seems like the safest place to lie about. If he said it was on his legs or his chest, it would be fine for today, but he does want to date someone, someday, and he doesn't want them to be expecting a soulmark and then not see it.
Or he could tell the truth. He could just come clean and tell everyone that he didn't get a name, and it wouldn't be a big deal. Plenty of people don't get names. He's not the only one. And maybe it would be nice, if everyone knew. He could join support groups or something, could find someone else with no name and be happy with her.
He calls Monty. "Anne Smith," he moans, and he doesn't regret it.
*
It's not hard, lying about his soulmate. It's not like people fact check that, ask for evidence. You give the name and that's it, unless you have one of those really obvious marks, like Harper McIntyre in a neat block on Monroe's cheek. It's just a matter of chance, a roll of the dice; no one even asks Jasper where the name is, just what it is, and every time he says it, they give him this sad, kind of patronizing smile. "It's too bad her parents weren't more considerate," someone will say, or "Well, you'd meet her anyway, that's how it works."
It seems like a cruel system; a hundred years ago, he wouldn't have even known about this. He would have lived his life assuming he'd find someone, and he probably would have. Maybe he would stay with Maya, the first girl he ever sleeps with. Maybe he wouldn't alienate Clarke's friend Raven, when she first shows up, wouldn't always be so over-eager and awkward when he meets someone he thinks might date him.
When he meets Caroline, it really does feel like this is it. They have an actual meet cute, at a coffee shop, when she accidentally takes his drink, and he's trying to figure out how to tell her when she snaps, "I don't have one."
"What?"
"A soulmark. If that's what you're looking for--"
"No!" he squeaks. "No, that's not--I think that's my drink."
"Oh." She flushes, laughs. "That makes sense. Sorry, I'm just--"
"No, I get it," he says. "I wrote a name I made up on the bottom of my foot in sharpie on my eighteenth birthday."
He's never told anyone that before, not even Monty. He doesn't consider it a secret, exactly, it just doesn't feel like something he needs to say. He was eighteen and stupid and panicking; it's not that much worse than lying about the name in the first place.
But it makes Caroline laugh again. "Did it fool anyone?"
"No one ever asked."
"But you told them you had a soulmate."
"Yeah. I lied about it for years. I still have trouble not lying."
"It can be tough," she says. "I should give you back your coffee."
"I can just wait for yours."
She smiles. "I'll wait with you."
On paper, it really is perfect. Caroline is pretty and smart and interesting. She gets along well with his friends, is happy to go on double dates with Monty and Nate. He has someone to bring to things instead of feeling like a strange jagged piece that doesn't fit in anywhere. He gets along with her family, and she likes him, which is still, after all these years, the most staggering thing.
He should be thanking his lucky stars. He should be so happy.
Instead, he waits for two weeks after they get back from the beach with her family before he says, "I think we need to break up."
Her face goes still and smooth, as if she's suddenly made of glass. "What?"
"I'm sorry," he says, the words jumping out of his throat. "I'm so, so sorry--"
"Stop," she says. "Don't apologize, I don't care. I just want to know what's happening."
She doesn't, probably. Not the whole truth. But he can tell her enough that she'll--well, she's not going to understand. But she can make some sense of it. "It's just--Monty getting engaged."
"Of course it is."
"I like you," he says. "But I think--I don't love you. Not like I want to."
"Isn't that the deal?" she asks, her voice layered with years and years of bitterness. "We don't get that."
"I think we can both do better. We don't have--" He swallows hard. "I am sorry. Really. But I want more than just feeling like we'll take each other because we don't have anyone else."
To his surprise, she laughs. "Wow, you just said it, huh?"
"Am I wrong?"
"You're not the only person I've ever met who doesn't have a soulmate, Jasper. But you're the first one I liked this much."
"Same," he says. "But--"
"But you see what Monty has, and you want that."
He rubs the back of his neck. "I thought about how I'd propose to you, if I was going to, and I couldn't come up with anything that felt like us except I put a ring in an empty coffee cup."
"Or wrapped up in a blank sheet of paper?"
"I know you don't want me to say sorry, so--"
"So goodbye," she says. "Right? This is over."
"Yeah." He doesn't let himself apologize again, just puts a twenty on the table and smiles. "Goodbye."
He goes to Monty and Nate's without having to think about it, without any input from his brain. He'd thought about going to Monty before this, but Monty would have tried to talk him out of it. He would have taken the counter position, and it's what Jasper would have wanted him to do. But he hadn't needed anyone to talk him around; he knew what he was doing.
Nate's the one who opens the door, and he steps out of the way to let Jasper in before saying, "He's not here."
"Where is he?"
"Helping Raven with something. What happened?"
Jasper does like Nate. It was hard when they first met, because he felt the pressure to like him so intensely that he didn't know what to do with it. There was the resentment too, of course, but more than that, Monty had never dated anyone before, and then suddenly he had a soulmate, someone in a completely different category than Jasper. If he didn't like Nate, he'd lose Monty, and that was a bad basis for liking someone and a great one for resentment.
These days, he and Nate have their own dynamic worked out.
"I broke up with my girlfriend."
"Shit. Why?"
"Because of you."
"Aww, babe, I didn't know you cared."
Jasper rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I came to ask you to run away with me."
"Maybe like a brisk walk. My knees aren't what they used to be. You want a beer?"
"Yeah."
They get settled in the living room with beer and some pretzels, and then Nate asks, "So, seriously. Why?"
"I was being serious. You and Monty got engaged and I started thinking about marrying her and I realized--it wasn't enough. What she and I had. I wanted more. I liked her, but--" He sighs. "It felt like I was just settling for the first girl who didn't say no to me, you know?"
Nate takes a long swig of beer. "Honestly? I'm really proud of you."
"Thanks?"
"Just thinking about when I met you," he says. "Back then, I thought you would have taken anything. Just--a girl showing the slightest interest, and you'd be planning the wedding."
"I thought I would have too. That's probably what Monty was always trying to tell me. I was so desperate it scared people off."
"The soulmate stuff fucks us up, too. Especially when everyone you know finds theirs young. Like, come on. You're a year older now than I was when I met Monty, and I wasn't that old. You're way too young to be worried you're going to be alone for the rest of your life."
"Wow, you're so wise."
"Shut up. You want wisdom, go to Bellamy."
"I was trying to come to Monty for sympathy."
"Text him, he'll come back."
"Can I just wait?"
"Sure. You want to play Smash Brothers?"
They're still playing when Monty gets back, and he flops down between them on the couch. "Did we have plans?"
"Nope."
"He dumped his girlfriend," says Nate.
"I didn't dump her! It was a very mature conversation. We're not going to be friends, but I think it was the right call."
"What happened?" Monty asks.
"I decided I want to wait for someone I really love. Not just someone I think will take me."
"Wow. That's--really mature. But I'm sorry it wasn't her."
Jasper leans back with a sigh. "That would have been great, right? Just--so lucky."
"You'll find her," says Monty, voice sure as always. Jasper wants to believe, but there is a part of him that can't forget what Caroline said. He's not getting this. If he was, he'd have a name on him.
Still, he smiles. "Yeah. I hope so."
*
"I think you did the right thing," Raven tells him. It's a week later, the first time they could schedule drinks as a group, and they're at Raven and Gina's place because Gina is still spiritually, if not professionally, their bartender. "You don't have to be soulmates to know it's real."
"You two are one of my inspirations," he agrees, raising his glass. It took a little while for Raven to be sure he wasn't into her and/or angling for a threesome, but he's really glad they worked it out. For all he still doesn't quite feel like he fits into the group, he does love them all. And he feels more comfortable in his own skin every day.
Especially now. He's never broken up with someone before, but it's nice to feel like he really did the right thing.
"We're pretty awesome."
"The best."
"Did I ever tell you what my dad said about not having a soulmate?" Clarke asks. She's not drinking because of pregnancy, and she's way less annoyed about it than Jasper would have expected. Apparently the future baby balances it out. "No, I definitely didn't."
"You had advice about not having a soulmate and didn't tell me?" he asks.
"Well, I didn't know you didn't have a soulmate when you told me. And I was never sure if it would make you feel better."
"That's not ominous at all," he grumbles.
"It's not bad. I've actually been thinking about it a lot, since I found out I was pregnant. He said he thought maybe he didn't get a soulmate because he loved me more than anything, and I wasn't born yet when he turned eighteen. I don't know how I feel about it."
"I feel weird thinking I love you more than I love any of our future children," Bellamy agrees. "But it's not like loving you less would be better? Either way, it's weird."
"I have always kind of wondered about that," says Gina. "Like Octavia and Lincoln. Or even you guys," she adds, nodding to Bellamy and Clarke. "Like, when Lincoln was twelve, the universe knew Octavia was going to grow up and be his soulmate? Maybe Raven just isn't my soulmate because the universe still thought it was going to be Finn."
"Hell, we still don't know how the soulmate thing works," says Raven. "Maybe if we'd just been soulmates, it wouldn't have worked out. We had to not be to find each other."
"I wish I had weed," Monty muses, wistful. "This is really a weed conversation."
"I just think--and I know I've got a soulmate and I'm married and nauseatingly happy, I get that--I just think it's not always as simple as having a name and finding them," says Clarke. "A name isn't a guarantee of happiness. It worked out for a lot of us, but not all of us."
Raven raises her own glass. "Yeah, I'm special."
"Two soulmates and one person who wants to marry you," says Monty. "That's, like, the most special."
"Or she's just really hot," says Gina.
Monty grins. "Or that."
Gina does manage to take him aside later, when everyone else is drunk or distracted, which he was waiting for. It was a while before he actually admitted his lack of soulmate to the whole group, and it was after she and Raven started dating, so they never really bonded about it, but she still gets it.
"I think you made the right choice."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You don't have to settle. You can hold out for someone great and get them."
"Does it ever bother you?" he can't help asking. "Not that Raven isn't your soulmate, but--" He looks down at his hands. "Seven billion people in the world, and we still can't get a name."
"Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't get Raven's name, or she didn't get mine."
"And?"
"And I get mad at the universe for not knowing how awesome we are together, and I get mad at whoever made soulmarks happen, and then I find my girlfriend and tell her I love her."
"That does sound like it would help, but I'm missing one of the key components."
"You're going to find someone," says Gina. "You're going to be happy."
"Thanks," he says. "I think so too."
*
Over the next few weeks, Jasper realizes he's never been deliberately single in his life.
He's been single, obviously, thinks of not having a relationship as almost a personality trait at this point. One of the annoying ones, like the way he runs his mouth too much and how he knows he's being self-centered sometimes but doesn't know how to stop. Something familiar and fundamental, if not welcome.
But it was also something involuntary. He wasn't just single, he was unhappily single, desperately single. Nate was right; his choosing to be alone instead of in a less-than-ideal relationship might have been real, actual growth, and Jasper isn't really sure how to deal with it. What are the next steps? Before he met Caroline, he had been thinking about joining some dating sites, getting involved with groups for people with no soulmates, but if he's not desperate, maybe he doesn't need to.
"I think there's probably a happy medium where you can be looking but not desperate," says Monty. They're working on invitations for the wedding, which is only a little painful. Every time he addresses one to someone from high school or college, it's a reminder that that person found a soulmate. Monroe found her soulmate through Monty and Nate, even, which might be the ultimate injustice. If anyone should have found love via Monty's Facebook relationship update, it's him.
"You would think, but have you met me?"
"No," says Monty, dry. "We have never met. You just wandered into my apartment to help me plan my wedding."
"I'm just saying, I recognize my strengths and being chill isn't one of them."
"But you are about this. Like--you were doing pretty well, right? You still are. You're good with this. Zen."
He takes a moment, doing a few more invitations before he admits, "That's what I'm worried about."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean--I want to be excited. I want to be stupid in love and get carried away, but I also don't want to be that guy who comes on way too strong, you know? I was so cool with Caroline and I think that's why she liked me, but I never felt like I was being me. What if that's why I don't have a soulmate? I'm too much."
It's one of those things he doesn't mean to say, one of those things he doesn't even quite realize he's feeling before he says it. It happens more than he'd like, this inability to understand his own emotions until they break out like a dam breaking, usually at Monty.
How isn't Monty his soulmate? Not in a romantic way, just--the person who knows him best. The person he doesn't know how to be without.
More and more, that's what hurts. Not that Monty gets someone and he doesn't, but that Nate is better for Monty than he is. He can be a better boyfriend, fiance, husband, but--if Jasper isn't Monty's best friend, he doesn't know who he is. And if Monty has someone else and he doesn't, what does that say about him?
"You're not too much," Monty says, absent and automatic. Jasper can have an entire mental crisis in the time it takes Monty to dismiss it.
He probably needs a therapist.
"Not for you."
To his surprise, that actually shakes Monty out of it, and he takes the time to think about it. Which isn't actually encouraging; he's sure he is too much for Monty sometimes. That's why they're not soulmates.
"It's part of your charm."
"Thanks."
"It is. I'm not being nice." He sighs. "I know I don't get what it's like," he says. "I never could. If I hadn't gotten a name, I want to think I would have been fine with it, but maybe I would have taken it as a sign. Maybe I would have second-guessed everything too. But--I don't think it's you, Jasper. It can't be."
"Why not?"
"Because the world is full of shitty people with soulmates. It's not that you're too much because people like Bellamy's mom and Raven's ex exist. They got soulmates, and they suck."
"That's not as comforting as you think it is." Monty glares at him, which he probably deserves, and he sighs. "I try to see it that way, I really do. But it's like--those guys got soulmates and I didn't? That's injustice."
"Okay, you want some tough love? Maybe it's good. Maybe if you got a name, you would have fucked it up, like they did. Maybe you needed to not have a name."
Jasper opens and closes his mouth. It's much tougher love than Monty usually gives. "What?"
"If you got a name at eighteen, how do you think you'd be? Maybe you'd be of those guys who thinks that the existence of a name is all you need and you don't have to put the effort in. I think you without a soulmate is going to be a better partner than you with a soulmate would have been."
"How long have you thought that?"
"Since you broke up with Caroline."
"Man, everyone thinks that was a real turning point, huh?"
Monty doesn't let him off the hook. "I love you, and I want you to be happy, and I think you will be. But I think about--you know, I couldn't believe I didn't figure it out? Because I can imagine how you'd be, if you had a soulmate. You wouldn't stop. You would have dropped out of school to look for her, and I still don't know if you would have been any good for her."
"I know I started this conversation, but I hate it."
"Someone's going to love you," Monty says. "I love you. You're not too much, you're just--you're good. You're getting better every day."
His throat lumps. "Wow. Wedding planning is making you sappy, huh?"
"Or old age." He looks down at the pile of invitations, his expression soft and sad. "I don't think I've ever known how to be a good friend to you about this. I don't get it. None of us do, except Gina, sort of. And I wish I could. I feel like we haven't always been--fair. About how hard it is."
"That's why I didn't tell you. I didn't want that to be my thing. And now it is."
"So get a new thing. We'll shut up. You're the one who asked me about dating."
"Yeah, well." He gestures at the wedding detritus that surrounds them. "Sometimes it feels like the whole universe is conspiring against me."
"Maybe you shouldn't have broken up with your girlfriend right after I got engaged, then," says Monty, deliberately merciless, and Jasper barks a laugh.
"That's what I get for trying to be nice. Keeping a girl I was going to break up with anyway out of your wedding pictures."
"Oh, well," says Monty. "When you put it like that, you're a saint."
Jasper smiles a little, faint. "Yeah, that's me."
*
"Okay, so, now that Clarke has a baby and has the best excuse ever to get out of things, I've got some news," Raven announces, during their first hang-out after said baby came into the world, which they're having at Bellamy and Clarke's both in case the baby needs something and so everyone can coo at her. Jasper hasn't interacted with a lot of children, nor does he particularly want to, but he thinks Andromeda is cute, and he's not upset that he'll be seeing more of her. He feels like he could be a good uncle type, and hopefully he can level up his skills with Andromeda enough to qualify to godfather to however many kids Monty and Nate decide to have.
"Cheers to that," says Clarke, raising her beer. Jasper hasn't gotten up the nerve to ask her how long it was between her having the baby and her first drink, but he's dying to know. Knowing Clarke, it might have happened in the delivery room.
"That's not ominous at all," Nate mutters. "What's going on?"
"My ex wants to visit."
Monty frowns. "Which one? The one who cheated on you?"
"With me," says Clarke. "Which is why I'm going to have to be taking care of the baby that night."
"I'm surprised Bellamy doesn't want to fight him," says Jasper.
Bellamy shrugs. "I do, I just know I shouldn't. I'm a dad now, I can't just punch people because I hate them."
"That must be really hard for you," says Gina, consoling, and he heaves a dramatic sigh.
"Yeah, it's a burden."
"Why does your ex want to visit?" Monty asks.
"He thinks they should be friends," says Gina. "That they're not the romantic soulmates, but they should still be part of each others' lives."
Her voice is light, but Jasper feels his stomach twist up in sympathy. Raven loves Gina, and they all know it. Gina knows it. But at the end of the day, this guy is Raven's soulmate, no matter what he did. If he wants to get back together, maybe he can make the argument. Maybe the pull really is that strong.
"I'm not sold," Raven says, flat. "But we saw him last Christmas and he didn't try to make a pass at me, so--" She shrugs. "I don't know. He says he was young and stupid, and I can buy that. I told him there's no chance of anything happening, he said he got it, and if he ever doesn't, fuck him, we're done."
"So what are our duties here?" Nate asks. "Like, do we run interference? Why are you telling us? Am I helping Gina hide his body?"
"I'd help Gina hide his body," says Raven. She lets out a long sigh, sounding more defeated than Jasper thinks he's ever heard her sound. Raven is one of those people who projects confidence at all times, and it's always disconcerting when the facade falters. "Fuck, I don't know. He was my favorite person when I was a kid, you know? And I couldn't ever date him again, not for a hundred reasons. But if he could be, I don't know. A part of my family again? That might be nice."
It's a nice speech, and Jasper gets it, but he still pulls Gina aside as soon as he can. This is what they do for each other; this is his job.
"I'm fine," she says, before he can speak.
"Hmm," he says, making a show of thinking it over. "Judges? Yeah, the judges say no. It would have been more convincing if you let me say something first."
Her mouth twitches into a smile. "Yeah, that was a rookie mistake."
"Seriously, I'd be dying."
"I know. And it's not my favorite thing? I wish he'd just never contacted her again. But--it's been years, and if he's playing a long game, it's really long, and he's hiding it really well. He had a girlfriend for a while and everything." She sighs. "And I trust Raven. I know she'd never--she's not looking for that. And if it turns out that's what she wants, me saying no won't make anything better."
"Well, if she dumps you, I'm available," he says, bright, and she laughs. It feels like an odd miracle, to be able to make a joke, to have Gina know it's a joke.
Maybe everyone's right; he's not the guy he was. Monty's tough love actually did help.
"Thanks."
"What do you need? I know everyone's worried about Raven, but--"
"I don't think I need anything yet. Raven knows how I'm feeling, and I'm not worried she's going to forget as soon as she sees him. And she's having more trouble than I am. I just want to be there for her."
"Cool. I'll be there for you."
Her smile is small but genuine, soft and real. "Thanks, Jasper."
"Any time."
Despite his concern about Gina and Raven, he is a little excited to meet the ex. There's something about Finn that makes him curious in a wild, desperate way. Here's a guy who had everything that Jasper has ever wanted and threw it away. And he knows Raven thinks she's the same way, knows she believes she tossed aside two soulmates, but she wouldn't have, right? She would have stayed with Finn, if he hadn't cheated on her. And that guy Wick, he was never her soulmate. She was just his. It would suck, but that one is kind of on the system.
When they meet Finn for drinks a week later, he kind of gets it. Jasper knows he's not actually unattractive--he works out now, and somewhere around the end of college he started gaining muscle mass--but he's never stopped feeling like the gangly teenager he was.
Finn carries himself like someone who was attractive in high school, someone who never heard that he wasn't god's gift. And it's not like he's bad-looking now, but Jasper can see him so clearly, back in college, this guy who was sure that even if he fucked it up with his soulmate, he'd get another chance. He must have thought he'd be fine.
It's an awkward evening, obviously. Clarke and Bellamy aren't around, but Octavia decided to come so she could glare on her brother's behalf, which would be bad enough if Nate wasn't already glaring on Bellamy's behalf. Lincoln and Monty are hanging out near them, presumably monitoring for the threat of actual violence, and Raven seems to have decided that if she never leaves the pool table, Finn can't do any damage, while Gina can't stay still. She flits between the different groups, never staying for more than a few minutes, trying so hard to be okay. Jasper is exhausted just looking at her.
"This is even more awkward than I thought it would be," Finn finally offers, after about an hour of polite small talk, mostly just the two of them. Jasper's used to being the person who isn't paired up, but not like this. He didn't expect to end up paired off with Finn.
"How awkward were you expecting?"
"Really awkward." He flashes a smile that probably gets him out of trouble a lot, all self-deprecating charm. "But this is extremely awkward."
"So why are you doing it?"
"Because I'm selfish, I guess." He shrugs. "I was an asshole, I hurt her, and I still want to make it better. I don't want to lose her forever. If I really wanted to make it up to her, I'd just leave her the hell alone."
"But you want her back."
"No," he says, and Jasper believes him without having to try. "I love her, I always will. But--I really don't think we're that kind of soulmates. She's with Gina, and I'm happy for her."
"So that's why you did it?"
"Did what?"
"Why you cheated. Because you weren't that kind of soulmates."
"I wish I was that self-aware back then," he says, shaking his head. "I was just--I was freaking out, honestly. When Raven got my name, I was hoping I wouldn't get hers. Which sucks, I know. But I was eighteen and I had my whole life to meet new people and it felt so unfair that I was just going to be stuck with my high-school girlfriend forever."
"Yeah, that's gross. You sucked. As a person."
He laughs, which is a surprise too. "Yeah, I did. I sucked royally."
"I don't have a soulmate," he finds himself saying, without really meaning to. He's drunk, but not so drunk he can't control it. He lets the words out. "I thought you must be the stupidest asshole in the world."
"I might have been."
"But you don't regret it."
"Oh, no. I regret it. I wish I'd done everything differently. I should have talked to Raven, told her what was happening. I shouldn't have lied to Clarke. I never should have cheated. But I don't think we could have made it. Not as a couple."
"So what now?" he asks. It comes out small and a little desolate, like a child afraid of the dark. "What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to try to be her friend," he says. "I'm going to try to be happy." He raises his glass. "I'm going to finish this and have another."
"Cheers to that," says Jasper, and they drink on it.
The conversation moves on, but Jasper's brain never quite does. It's not his life, is so far from his life it's absurd, but it circles back around to being something he can understand. He's spent so many hours wondering why Monty isn't his soulmate, why he couldn't get that, at least, even if he wasn't Monty's. It had felt so fucking unfair, to be denied even that.
But he'd never really thought about what it would have been like, to wake up with Monty's name on him. He would have been so furious and disappointed, without the context of not having a name. He would have been so lucky to be Monty's soulmate, but he might not have realized it until it was too late. He would have fucked it up because he was so frustrated that he wasn't supposed to do any better. And even if he'd had another soulmate, someone he didn't know, maybe he would have just wasted his whole life trying to find them.
Maybe Monty was right, and he needed it to be like this. He needed to think he had no one, because he wouldn't have known how to have someone, either.
"Are you glad she's your soulmate?" he asks Finn.
"No. I don't deserve her. And if she hadn't been my soulmate, maybe I wouldn't have fucked it up. Maybe we'd still be friends. The real kind. If she had Gina's name on her instead."
"I thought you had everything I wanted, you know?"
"I get that a lot, yeah."
"But maybe I got the better deal. I didn't fuck things up with my best friend. Not so bad I couldn't fix it. Sorry," he adds, belatedly. "I guess that's more comforting for me than it is for you."
"You think I can't fix it?"
He sounds more curious than upset, and Jasper has to think about it. Raven wants it fixed, but she doesn't forgive easily, and there isn't an easy spot for Finn to slot back into her life, even if she wants him back.
"I don't know what you two were like before," he says, still making up his mind. "But I think you need to make sure she knows you really aren't looking for anything. Not that you should tell her the whole truth." Even if Raven is over him, he doubts there's ever a good way to hear that someone was upset you were their soulmate. Especially not to justify infidelity. Jasper can understand, kind of, but there are things you shouldn't say. His breakup with Caroline was bad enough; this would be worse.
"Yeah, I wasn't going to. I think I can just--" He shifts in a deliberate way that Jasper identifies a second before he asks, "Do you want to get out of here?"
It's not long enough to prepare him; it takes a second to make his voice work. "Are you hitting on me?"
"Yeah, why not? You're single, and if I hook up with you, maybe it'll show Raven that I'm not trying to win her back."
He opens and closes his mouth, but he can't really dispute the logic. "You like guys?" he asks instead, and Finn shrugs.
"Sometimes."
Maybe someday, Jasper won't feel people's interest in him like a live wire, but for now, it's still a surprise every time, exciting every time, and somehow more exciting when it's a guy, when it's this guy. Jasper couldn't be Monty's best friend without understanding the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and he's pretty settled on being heteroromantic; he doesn't want to date Finn.
But he could still leave with him.
"I think I need to check in with Raven. Bro code and all."
"Sure." His mouth quirks. "That's kind of the point, right?"
None of this is going how he thought it would. "Right. Back in a sec."
Raven, Gina, and Monty are all at the pool table, a stroke of luck that Jasper owes some deity for. He can have this conversation exactly once, and then either see if he likes hooking up with guys or not, depending on what Raven says. It's not going to be explaining himself over and over, getting less sure every time.
"So, Finn asked if I wanted to hook up," he says.
Raven scratches her shot. "What?"
"Yeah, we were talking about how he wants to be friends but he needs to make sure you know he's not looking for anything romantic, and I guess that's one way to send that message?"
"What," she says, no longer a question.
He shrugs. "I don't have to."
"You want to?" Gina asks.
"I've never hooked up with a guy!"
Monty, at least, knows he's thought about it before. "Yeah, but that guy?"
"We're kind of vibing. Just if it's okay with Raven," he adds. "I'm not invested in it or anything."
"Jesus, I can't believe you want to hook up with Finn."
"The heart wants what the heart wants."
"The heart, huh," says Monty.
"Sorry, did you want to hear about my other body parts? We're in mixed company."
"I kind of do. The whole heteroromantic bisexual thing was just theoretical, right?"
"What's a theory if you don't test it?" He glances back at Raven and Gina, trying to gauge their reactions. Gina's just watching Raven, and Raven is looking at Finn, her expression opaque. "I seriously don't have to."
"If I don't want him to be interested, why does it still hurt that he's not interested?" Raven asks, apparently addressing the universe.
"Because feelings suck," says Gina. She leans her head on Raven's shoulder. "You can say no."
"Are you kidding? I want Jasper to fuck Finn. I'm pissed at myself for even feeling a little conflicted about it." She nods, mastering the feelings. "You know what? I'm not. Go nuts. It'll give me and him something to talk about."
"As long as I'm performing a service. Should I tell Clarke?"
"No way," says Raven. "I'm telling Clarke. I want to get that reaction."
"You deserve that. But screenshot it and send it to me."
"Deal."
He exhales. "One more time: you're sure."
"Yup. Stop stalling and go make out with my soulmate."
"Like, here?" he asks. "Do you want to watch? I was just going to go to his hotel room."
"Really?" asks Monty. "What if you aren't actually into guys?"
"Then we can hang out. I'll be fine, don't worry."
But when he gets back to Finn, he's aware of the eyes on him, aware of the churn of possibility in his stomach. He's not this guy, the guy who takes someone home with no expectations, without wondering about soulmates or even next week. He's not the person who hooks up with anyone, let alone a guy.
So he leans over, kisses Finn like this is him, like this could be his future. A guy who meets someone and flirts and goes home with them and just moves on. A guy who feels comfortable in his own skin, even when he's stepping out of his comfort zone.
Finn smiles. "Guessing that's a yes?"
"Yeah," he says. "Let's go."
*
Clarke texts at ten the next morning: We all agreed you're coming for brunch. Monty said you're free. Bellamy is cooking.
What if I'm still hooking up? he asks, checking when the next bus is coming. He can get to Clarke and Bellamy's place on the train, but if the timing works out on the bus it's a lot quicker and easier.
Then I assume you wouldn't be texting me. See you soon.
Like everything about the hookup with Finn, it's the best kind of novel. His love life has never been something his non-Monty friends can really tease him about, even when they didn't know his soulmate was a lie. It just wasn't how things worked. He's looking forward to being the topic of conversation, being at the center of the gossip. Just having fun with his love life, for once.
Maybe Nate's right; soulmates fuck you up, but he's young. He has years and years to find the love of his life. And he's got options. There are people like Caroline and Gina, who don't have soulmates themselves, and people like Finn and Raven, who have them and don't want them. And there are people like Monty, who loves him the way a soulmate would love him, without question. Monty,!who will never leave him. It's not the same as having a soulmate, but nothing will ever be the same as having a soulmate.
He can have a good life anyway.
"I can't believe three of us have fucked Finn," says Clarke, when she opens the door. "Three!"
"Hey, I fucked the good version," says Jasper. "He's self-aware and reflexive."
"I thought that too," Clarke says. "In college. I thought he was so deep."
"I also know he wasn't lying to me about his soulmate, though."
"Point to Jasper there," says Raven. "You have fun?"
"Yeah. I could fuck dudes sometimes."
"Maybe bisexuality is actually contagious," Bellamy muses.
"Or it's Finn," says Monty. "Like, he has some sort of powerful pheromones. That would explain a lot."
Gina makes a face. "Definitely not. He looks like someone who was in a boy band five years ago. No offense, Jasper."
"Me?" he asks. "Raven and Clarke slept with him too!"
"Yeah, but back when he would still be in the boy band."
"He's Raven's soulmate!"
"And I'm never fucking him again," says Raven. "Are you?"
"I don't know. He's going back home on Monday. But he did ask if I wanted to get dinner tonight." There's a round of whoops and catcalls, as expected, and he flops onto the couch next to Monty with a groan. "It was supposed to be one night! I had this plan, I was going to become the kind of person who had one-night stands."
"And you did," says Bellamy. "You had the one-night stand, and now you have the option to extend it. Pretty normal."
"And before you know it, you're marrying Finn and I'm laughing my ass off," Raven adds.
"I could do worse," he says. "I know he's not going to leave me for his soulmate."
"So, no more heteroromanticism?" Monty asks.
"Still deciding." He smiles. "I'm taking it one day at a time."
"You seem like you're doing really well," he says, in a tone Jasper can't quite parse.
"Is that bad?"
"No, just surprising. I was waiting for the I-fucked-a-dude breakdown."
It doesn't sound like a lie, but it feels like one. It has the aura of a lie, and Monty has the aura of someone who's lying. Which honestly makes sense; Jasper remembers what it was like when Nate showed up, this shift in his and Monty's dynamic that took getting used to.
And Jasper does feel different. It's as if the change that started with his breakup with Caroline--or maybe that night when he told Monty he didn't actually have a soulmate--has finally finished, and he's emerged as the person he was always supposed to be.
Monty's going to like the new him, but he has to get used to him first.
He texts Finn back once he's eaten two pancakes and agrees to dinner because, well, why not? He's not doing anything else for dinner. Monty doesn't comment, but when they're getting ready to leave, Nate says, "I'm gonna stay here to play video games and spoil my godkid, you guys have fun," which is about the clearest sign he's ever heard that he and Monty are about to have A Talk.
"I didn't think my potential biromantic impulses would be such a big issue," he says, on the train.
Monty startles. "What? No. No, they're not."
"So convincing."
"Really, they're not. If you want to date Raven's soulmate, go ahead."
"So what's wrong?"
He rubs the back of his neck. "I had an idea and I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
"Oh boy. Lay it on me."
His voice doesn't shake, but it's something of a miracle. Monty doesn't want him to be his best man, probably. He's thinking of moving. He wants Jasper to visit less or--
"Raven and Gina have been talking about getting matching tattoos," he says, in a rush. Which doesn't seem like something Jasper should be able to misinterpret. Nor is it even news; Gina's mentioned it. "And I really liked that idea but I didn't want them to think I was copying them or anything. Or make them feel like I was copying or that--" He lets out a breath, collecting himself. "I thought we could do that too."
It's like Monty somehow let Jasper's breath out too, like he punched him, a fist of emotion under his ribs.
"What?"
"We don't have to, if it's weird. I just thought--I'm getting married and we're getting older and I just--I thought it would be nice."
A year ago, it might have felt like a consolation prize. Like something Monty was doing out of pity, a hollow gesture. A year ago, he wouldn't have appreciated it, and he's so glad he can now.
"What did Raven and Gina say?"
"They thought it was sweet."
"What did Nate say?"
"He said we should get matching joy cons."
"I don't know how well those would age." He looks down at his arms, his hands, every bare inch of skin, wondering where he'd want it. Somewhere just for him, or somewhere everyone could see? It's not as if anyone would mistake this it for a soulmark, but it's not like he wants them to.
It's not for anyone but him, but there's still a part of him that wants the whole world to know.
"Maybe our birthday," he says, looking at the sliver of his ankle he can see between the hem of his jeans and his sock. You probably can't get tattoos on the bottom of your foot, but he could get one close. Somewhere out of the way, somewhere you'd have to look.
"Our birthday could be nice," says Monty. "We should figure that out."
He leans his head on Monty's shoulder, closes his eyes. "Yeah. Let's do it."
*
Jasper brings Finn to the wedding because his guiding philosophy for that relationship is still "why not," and it's not like he's going to encounter any homophobes at Monty and Nate's wedding. He and Monty wear tuxes, and no one can see the matching tattoos on their ankles, any more than they can see the soulmark on Monty's stomach or Nate's wrist. But Jasper thinks he can feel it, sometimes, this weight of ink, of love.
He stands, once everyone has their food at the reception, smiles out over the sea of faces, both familiar and unfamiliar. "Monty has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Longer than I can remember, really. I knew he was my best friend before I knew how to do algebra, or even long division. I knew he was my best friend before I figured out I shouldn't eat paste. And I remember, when he got his soulmark, and I thought, man, Nathan Miller better be the best guy in the world." He pauses, counts to three. "Which he's not."
That gets a laugh, and Nate says, "Definitely not."
"But, you know, he's pretty good. And he loves Monty almost as much as I do, which is about the best that anyone could hope to achieve. And he doesn't mind that I say I love Monty more than he does, which is even better." He smiles, swallows past the looming tears. "As soon as I saw them together, I knew we'd end up here, and that's a kind of bittersweet thing to realize, you know? That your best friend is going to have this whole life and you'll be there, but you can't share it like you used to share birthday parties. I was worried, for a while. But you know what?" He smiles, and Monty smiles back, and he feels the pulsing awareness of his ankle, like it's attached to his heart. "I've never been happier, and I know Monty hasn't either. And the best is yet to come. I, for one, can't wait. So--to Monty and Nate," he finishes, and the crowd choruses it back to him, and this could be enough, somehow. He could never have a better day than this, and he'd be happy.
But he thinks he will. He's got a lot of good days coming.
"I love you," Monty tells him, and Jasper kisses him on the cheek, sloppy and warm and bursting with joy.
"Yeah. I love you too."