Chapter Text
When Seokjin is excited, he decorates.
Which is, like, great and stuff, but Yoongi would much prefer Seokjin do it in his own room instead of Yoongi’s.
“Just wait till my dad discovers you’ve put a swimming pool and a water slide in my room,” he mutters darkly, watching Seokjin string fairy lights all over the wall. Hoseok, Taehyung and one of Taehyung’s many pets (the polka-dotted one, Yoongi thinks it’s called Tata) are already splashing about in the pool. Taehyung is having fun zooming down the water slide, but Hoseok declines, explaining that his gigantic bushy tail makes it impossible for him to slide properly.
Yoongi knows he just doesn’t want to look like a coward in front of Seokjin, his crush of many years. Hoseok is smitten for the beautiful man. He’s this close to handing his whole heart and soul over to him, wrapped up carefully in his pretty little acorn pouch. It’s a wonder Seokjin hasn’t noticed yet.
“You’re the Prince, Yoongi-yah,” Seokjin says. “If you have a pool in your room, then you have a pool in your room. No one can say you aren’t allowed.”
“My dad is the King, Jinnie,” Yoongi replies dryly. “He can say I’m not allowed.”
“Then it’s a good thing he’ll never find out, because he’s too busy to ever visit your room,” Seokjin concludes, and Yoongi has to admit he’s right. He rarely gets to see his dad nowadays. Not that he’s complaining or anything—he’s got his rowdy friends to keep him company. Hoseok sleeps over so much Yoongi’s room is practically his as well, Taehyung usually comes with pets, which are loud, and Seokjin can get excited enough for ten people.
He’s clearly very excited now. Ever since he arrived in Yoongi’s room this morning at ass o’clock (actually it was sixteen-and-a-half, which Seokjin maintains is not too early, but Yoongi doesn’t like getting up until at least twenty) he’s been changing Yoongi’s furniture with dramatic arm gestures, because we’re gonna have a video party, Yoongi-yah, the room has to be perfect.
Yoongi doesn’t see what a water slide has to do with a video party, but he knows better than to question chaotic neutral Kim Seokjin’s methods.
A few moments later, all four of them plus Tata are settled down, leaning on the edge of the pool with veloxi red ale and a plate of spicy avarian zook wings between them, watching the videotape Seokjin stole from his mom’s top-secret underwear drawer, played by a projector Seokjin has conjured up out of nowhere.
Seokjin doesn’t say what the video is about but, considering that it’s from his mom’s top-secret underwear drawer, it’s obviously got to be about sexy times. Hoseok accidentally whacks Yoongi in the face with his bushy tail as he adjusts his position, and Yoongi knows he’s nervous. Like, watching a porn videotape in a pool, half-naked, next to the most beautiful man in the world, whom you’ve been crushing on for years? And you can literally feel your skin touch his skin? Not fun, not fun.
Yoongi shoots Hoseok a sympathetic look, and Hoseok returns his gaze with an expression that’s a crossover between constipation and sheer terror. So Yoongi covers the poor Scawager’s hand with his own. Courage, bro.
The video begins rolling, and an attractive man appears onscreen, in what looks like a filming studio. He has slicked-back silver hair, godly proportions, sharp eyes and a determined jaw. Judging from the slightly tan tint of his skin, he’s not a Serpentium like Yoongi himself—all of their species have a green hue of various degrees to their skin. Not a Scawager like Hoseok either—there’s no bushy tail, no signature acorn pouch, an item the species cannot live without.
An Uzuri then, like Seokjin and Taehyung? He’s beautiful enough to be one. But Uzuri are extremely uncommon these days and Yoongi’s probably met every single living one sometime or another. This is no Uzuri.
What, then, is this man?
As the man introduces himself as Kim Namjoon, in a smooth, fluid language that Yoongi can’t say he’s ever heard before but still understands due to the translation properties of the Metaomium stone sitting at his bedside, Yoongi knows.
Kim Namjoon is from earth.
“That’s an earth baby,” Yoongi comments. “Wow, they hire earth babies to make videos like this now? We’ve just discovered earth, like, a month ago. These people sure work fast.”
But then, Yoongi supposes, it’s only natural. They’ve found a new species all the way across the universe. A species that, remarkably enough, doesn’t look too different in shape or size with their own. Of course people would be excited. Of course people would want to hire humans to film porn.
He just didn’t expect it to happen so soon.
He leans forward, intrigued. He has no idea what earthling anatomy is like. Well, maybe his dad’s people have briefed him on it sometime ago, but he can’t be assed to pay attention. Min Yoongi isn’t known as the planet’s laziest prince for no reason.
So he waits with bated breath as the film continues. Kim Namjoon gives some basic details about his background, says he’s audition candidate no. 940912 and he’s going to perform a song called Moonchild. Yoongi finds it funny how some porn videos drag the plot out, when all he wants is to get to the juicy stuff. But to each his own, he supposes. Maybe the exciting bits will start happening once Kim Namjoon begins his performance, or maybe after he ends it. Who knows? Either way, the guy’s got the role of confident audition candidate down pat, with his steely gaze, charming dimples and warm voice.
On the screen, Namjoon takes a deep breath and sings.
Immediately, Seokjin bursts out laughing. Hoseok’s tail whacks Yoongi in the face yet again. Taehyung’s pet, Tata, dutifully raises his rubber arms and covers his owner’s ears.
Kim Namjoon sings like a dying hydrogoat.
Yoongi ought to know. He’s watched many a hydrogoat die in his lifetime. Those animals just kind of spontaneously stand up and die at random moments. It’s very inconvenient.
“He’s hopeless,” Seokjin chortles. “He’ll never survive on our planet.”
The others make various sounds of assent. Life on Callion is heavily Metaomium-based. The technology, the culture, daily routines, everything. It’s an ore that vibes with music, with sounds, with voices. To live, you gotta be able to carry a tune.
Kim Namjoon can’t carry a tune.
“It’s not like he needs to come to our planet anyway,” Yoongi says. “He can just film the stuff on earth and our people can pay him digitally or something. Anyway, when’s the sex gonna start? This intro is boring me.”
“Same,” Hoseok says, desperately keeping up his brave façade in front of Seokjin, who is now eyeing both of them strangely.
“Wait,” the beautiful Uzuri says. “Wait, sex? Why sex?”
Yoongi gestures at the screen. “Isn’t this porn?”
Seokjin stares blankly for all of two seconds and bursts out into giggles again. A spicy avarian zook wing flies from his hands, but Taehyung recovers it swiftly before it hits the water.
“This is the audition video of the earth babies. Remember? I said I’d steal it from my mom. Didn’t you guys say you want to see the candidates? Our future classmates? Maybe even our future dormmates?”
It’s Yoongi’s turn to stare back now.
“Goodness, Yoongi-yah, you’re the Prince. You do remember the student exchange program? And how the earth babies who wanna come for the exchange have to audition first? And my mom was one of the judges so she’d have a videotape?”
Yoongi continues staring, and finally murmurs the first thing that comes to mind: “…I didn’t expect it to be in her underwear drawer.”
“You know what my mom’s extra ass is like.” Seokjin shrugs his impossibly broad shoulders. “…Wait. Does this mean that… you two… thought this Kim Namjoon guy—our future classmate—was a porn star?”
Yoongi hears Hoseok gulp and duck into the water, hiding behind Yoongi out of sheer embarrassment. Yoongi valiantly shields his best friend from Seokjin’s accusing gaze because he’s a good bro like that.
“Yes,” he replies. “He’s hot. So what?”
Seokjin chuckles. “Oh my Yggdrasil. I’m so gonna befriend him. I’m gonna be his best friend and tell him all about this. Just think about it… our Yoongi… our I’m-too-cool-to-fall-in-love Yoongi… finding someone hot…”
Yoongi throws a handful of spicy avarian zook wings at him.
**
Trivia: Uzuri
The Uzuri is a species characterized by their ethereal beauty. They are unable to conceive without a drop of Yggdrasil sap, typically found in the central swamp area of the continent, which makes all Uzuri technically relatives even if not born to the same set of parents. This is why Seokjin and Taehyung call themselves brothers, despite their parents being completely different people.
As the Yggdrasils have dropped in number due to climate change, the population of Uzuri is also gradually decreasing. However, they are not close to extinction quite yet for Uzuri are generally well-off and have long lifespans. Efforts are already being made in reviving the Yggdrasil forests.
**
It’s not that Yoongi is too cool to fall in love. He’s just a busy, busy man who’s gonna grow up to be King. That leaves him very little me-time, and unfortunately he’s one of those people who melt away if they don’t get enough me-time.
Falling in love, naturally, means even less me-time, and that’s not ideal. So he just prefers to stay single. It must be because he hasn’t found the right person yet, Seokjin always tells him. Or maybe he’s already found the right person, but didn’t realize.
“Do you even know what being in love feels like? Maybe you’re already in love, you just don’t know,” Seokjin says once. Yoongi finds this very offensive. Of course he knows what being in love feels like. He’s not that stupid, thank you very much.
Besides, he’s not the only single one in his group of friends. Yes, Seokjin has dated his fair share of people of various genders, but Taehyung—
“Taehyung’s situation is different,” Seokjin would immediately say before Yoongi could ever finish the sentence. “Not his fault he’s born with that voice.”
Yoongi understands. On a planet like theirs, people tend to train their voices to vibe with Metaomium in a variety of ways. Yoongi himself, for example, can cast curses by rapping in a certain pattern. It’s not easy—took him years and years of practice, but he’s now proud to say that he’s the best rapper in his country to boot.
Taehyung was born with an especially soulful voice, which affects the emotions of whoever is listening. If he sings a sad ballad, everyone in hearing range starts crying. And in his usual cheerful state everything he says attracts people, because his voice makes them feel uplifted.
Naturally, that would make Taehyung a bit averse to dating. How’d he know if his lover actually loves him or is simply affected by his voice, right? So yeah, he stays single.
Okay, so maybe Taehyung doesn’t date for a reason, Yoongi has to admit. But Hoseok is also chronically single—
“Hoseok is not like you, he actually has someone he likes. He told me so!” Seokjin says triumphantly. “So, even though he hasn’t confessed to whoever he likes yet, he’s not an emotionless bum like you.”
I’m not an emotionless bum, Yoongi wants to say, and also you’re an idiot if you still can’t tell that you’re the one he likes. But he’s a good bro so he doesn’t tell Seokjin.
Yes, he’s a good bro, and he has to admit that he’s soft for Hoseok, especially when he’s all curled up on his bed, hugging his tail, chattering to Yoongi about all the mind-blowingly attractive things Seokjin did that day. Sometimes he’d let Yoongi touch his acorn pouch and feel his adoration for Seokjin vibrating through the fabric. It’s nice.
Maybe Seokjin has a point, Yoongi thinks. Maybe he should put himself out there more. Fall in love. See what it’s like.
He ponders this that day, at the side of the pool Seokjin conjured up, as he watches the rest of the candidates. He knows that a hundred of them will be chosen, fifty males and fifty females. Only a few of the most skilled males will end up in Yoongi’s class, the elite class. There’s also an elite class for females, but the government’s decided that males and females can’t dorm together due to earth customs, and there will thus be no girls in their class since classmates will share the same dorm.
Therefore, Yoongi pays extra attention to the male earth babies that appear. There are way too many for him to remember, so only a couple particular eye-catching ones register in his head. There’s this boy with round bunny eyes who sings airily, beautifully, a bit like Taehyung except his voice is higher and doesn’t seem to affect emotions. And there’s this chubby-cheeked boy who whispers in a hoarse voice that he can’t sing because of a cold, and he’ll dance instead.
While a good singing voice is mandatory, skilled dance is very helpful too on a music-based planet like theirs. And this boy is very, very skilled. He begins with a ball of dough in his hands, and he twirls, spins, glides with such grace and flair, yet with precision and power so artistic Yoongi can hardly believe it’s coming from such a squishy-looking boy. Every step is well-timed, every angle calculated, a masterpiece from head to toe. By his last pirouette, his dough resembles a full-length silk ribbon, perfectly evened out, springy and tenacious.
Of course the committee will love him and let him pass the audition. Which makes Yoongi wonder: how did that Kim Namjoon, who sings like a dying hydrogoat, make the cut? It can’t be solely because of his good looks.
Yoongi replays his singing in his head. Yes, horrendously off-pitch. But he remembers the way Kim Namjoon spoke. His speaking voice was deep, smooth, chocolatey, sounding like strength and philosophy and acceptance and home. A voice filled to the brim with potential.
Maybe that’s why the committee accepted Namjoon, Yoongi thinks. Maybe Yoongi can train him, even. He can be Namjoon’s personal music tutor, and Namjoon can be his personal earth baby.
Yoongi hates to admit it, but he may have just developed a soft spot for earth baby Kim Namjoon.
**
Yoongi knows that Seokjin and Taehyung have been looking forward to the welcome feast, where they will be officially meeting the exchange students from earth. Uzuri love food.
While Yoongi doesn’t exactly hate food himself, he is not looking forward to the welcome feast. Too much trouble. Unlike Seokjin and Taehyung, lucky bastards who will be just sitting there at their table enjoying their bluzian creamed maragosh with boiled navacon sweetroot, he’ll have to dress up, look his best, personally greet the newcomers as the Prince. Not fun. Yoongi hates dressing up, and he hates greeting new people.
Those are just earth babies, he tells himself, as he gets ready in front of the mirror. Just earth babies who are probably too overwhelmed by being on an alien planet to even notice what Yoongi’s wearing.
That’s what he tells himself, but he’s still nervous about giving off a bad first impression. Yoongi may act disinterested most of the time, but he honestly likes people and wants to be liked back.
His tailored jacket is a perfect fit, with an elegant windowpane pattern in just the right color to bring out the green in his skin, accompanied by gloves, a brooch, a fancy belt and a sharp pair of loafers. He looks spiffy if he says so himself. And he matches with Hollyzzz, his personal mount on fancy occasions.
Hollyzzz is his only source of comfort in the entire situation. The lizard mount knows Yoongi the best, guards him with judging, beady eyes and a flicking tongue, and is always available for pets on the head and scritches on the chin. He’s been with Yoongi since both were mere fetuses. They’ve pretty much grown up together.
Yoongi holds onto the reins tightly as they ride out to the gates. The school building is shaped like several large mushrooms entwined together, with various smaller mushroom heads peeking out on the wall. It’s in the center of a bog, only accessible by getting a ride from the boatmen who know how to circumnavigate the dangers of the area.
A perfect location to keep those earth babies safe, Yoongi knows. That’s why the government chose the place. Looks majestic, but very hard to get in or out. Conservative people who despise these newfound alien allies would find it hard to enter the premises and wreak havoc. More adventurous earth babies would also find it hard to leave the premises—less chance of them getting lost or hurting themselves.
Yoongi gazes at the row of small lantern-lit boats pulling up to the wooden planks, at the earth babies stumbling out, most of them wide-eyed, in awe at what will be their new home for the following year. That’s why we call them babies, he thinks. Their technology is so primitive compared to that of Yoongi’s planet. Yes, he’s heard they can watch videos without needing videotapes, and have cool high-speed railways and augmented reality and stuff. But they certainly can’t rework elements of objects via music and create towering water slides in a normal-sized bedroom, can they?
In the front, leading them all, clad in an elegant double-breasted suit jacket that wraps perfectly around his body, is Kim Namjoon. The leader of the exchange students from earth. He plays the part well enough, steps firm and confident despite having just arrived on land after a probably turbulent boat ride. Polite and genteel, yet with an aura that says we from earth are not to be underestimated.
Then he makes eye contact with Yoongi. With Hollyzzz.
And a lop-sided smile appears on his face, despite his best efforts to look solemn.
“They ride lizards,” he whispers to the younger boy next to him. It’s the bunny-eyed boy with the pretty voice, if Yoongi’s memory serves him right. Namjoon speaks in a low tone, a discreet attempt to avoid offending Yoongi’s people, but what the man has no idea of is that all of Yoongi’s people have excellent hearing.
Some leader he is, Yoongi thinks. First minute here, already insulted Yoongi’s mount.
No one insults Hollyzzz. No one insults Yoongi’s brother.
Yoongi makes sure to grip Kim Namjoon’s hand extra hard as they shake. Makes sure to glare deeply into his eyes, to force a hint of a sneer into the corner of his mouth.
You laugh at Hollyzzz, you die.
He is extra friendly and gentle with the girl who comes up next. He flashes her a gummy smile and takes her hand in both of his gently, because he knows Namjoon is watching. He wants that man to know that his spiteful behavior is reserved for him and him only.
If Namjoon notices, he doesn’t show it. If anything, he looks disinterested as he and the rest of the earth babies are ushered away into the banquet hall, where they are seated around overly-decorated round tables scattered in front of the stage.
Yoongi grits his teeth, aggressively pets Hollyzzz to distract himself, and finally follows the rest of his people back into the hall.
He no longer wants to take Kim Namjoon under his wing now. That impudent earth baby can rot for all he cares.
**
Trivia: Scawagers
Scawagers are a squirrel-like species with large, bushy tails and extremely hard front teeth. They tend to be nimble and resourceful and often collect things, especially little hats. Considered a low-class species, many of them are forced to steal to survive. Most are capable of using their voices to cast illusions to some degree, as it helps them in nicking things. However, they are usually not very strong illusionists as their lowly status makes it hard for them to get any proper training. Only a rare few—Jung Hoseok, for example—with more fortunate circumstances are able to cast proper illusions that don’t shatter within seconds.
Every Scawager wears a small acorn pouch, which they never take off. Most assume that it’s where they keep the goodies they stole or collected, but the pouch actually holds their soul. If they lose their pouch, they go into a coma.