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They met when they were both eighteen. Having been there under different circumstances. One of them with a passion for dance and one whose fate had decided to do a little side trip from his usual routine. They didn’t click at first, one's opposing view not sitting well with the other. One was well grounded, the other spontaneous. One knew where his dreams are, the other simply going through the flow of where life would take him. One is too uptight, the other far too carefree.
They were much too different.
However, it didn’t take them much long to realize that where their differences lie is also where the lack in each other’s individual life was slowly being filled by the other. One thought the other how to dream, to have a steady goal. The other showed another how to have fun and to let loose once in awhile.
They showed each other that it's okay to break away from their usual norm. They taught each other how to live.
So it wasn't really as surprising when they ended up falling for each other. It had been inevitable, it just took a bit of time for them to realize.
“The show is starting in twenty minutes. You nervous?”
“As long as I know that you're with me, everything will be okay.”
“Never thought of you to actually say something so sweet yet cheesy” Jaemin had let out a small chuckle.
Renjun glared playfully at the other. “Well, you are yet to see the other sides of me”
Jaemin reached out for the other's hand, successfully intertwining them with his. “And I can't wait to do just that and more”
“And more?” The older had looked at the younger, brow raised up in confusion.
“And more. Because you're the most precious to me, baby. I want to be part of everything you are right now but I'm also here, willingly wanting to be part of your future. I want to be there for you through every moment of your life. Whether it be something happy or sad or downright intergalactic weird” Jaemin tried his best to not chuckle at the last part as his free hand moved to cup the other's chin gently. “I want to be by your side. Forever. Always. Even if you no longer want me to”
“You're so silly, Nana. How can I ever not want you?” Renjun chuckled, slightly shaking his head “And who is the one being cheesy now?”
“If I recall, you never did like me at first”
“Hey! That was a before thing! And how can I not remember? Come to think of it, I feel cringy with how petty I was being back then. I'm sorry”
“Well, that part did lead me to you. So in a way thank you ballet school pamphlet”
“I’m sorry, I thought you were stealing my stuff”
“It’s my fault. I should’ve just handed it back normally when you dropped it and not sneakily trying to put it on your pack”
“I’ve known since then that you’re weird in your own way”
“But admit it, you like my kind of weird” Jaemin wiggled his eyebrows playfully, earning a gentle smack from the other. Renjun sighed deeply, hearing the chatters of the audience outside. The show is about to start.
“Are you staying till the end?” Jaemin leaned closer to give the other boy a small peck on the lips.
“You know I always do"
-//-
Everything that has happened is still all a blur. He recall them going back home from a visit on Renjun’s parents, the next Jaemin knew of is hearing the sound of a siren and of someone trying to break into the door of their damaged car.
“Jaemin? It h-hurts”
“I know, I know you’re in pain, baby but hold on, okay? We’re almost at the hospital. I'm here, Okay” The younger held unto the older’s hand, giving away a sense of comfort and security as the medical responders applied first aid at the couple.
-//-
“What do you mean he doesn’t remember anything?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Na but it seems like Mr. Huang is currently suffering with memory loss due to the damage his head acquired from the accident. He still has most of his memories but somehow, whatever of it he had from three years ago had been wiped out”
Jaemin stared at the doctor with complete disbelief. He's got to be kidding. There's no way. Right?
No way that his beloved had completely forgotten about him and their time together. The younger found himself falling into his knees on the floor, hands trembling in disbelief.
“Will he get them back? His memories?” Renjun's mom who had quickly rushed to the hospital with her husband upon Jaemin's call had been the one to ask.
“He will. But for how long it’ll take him, no one can really tell” The doctor explained to both Jaemin and Renjun’s parents “I suggest for now to give him all the rest he needs. It wouldn’t do him any good to get him to try recalling it now. However, if we’re sure that he can mentally and emotionally endure the process then I can suggest for him to have therapy sessions”
“It wouldn’t hurt him, right? This sessions?” Jaemin asked worriedly having walked closer to his lover, gently running his fingers on Renjun’s locks. The older remained in a gentle slumber, unaware of the conversation going on around him.
“It won’t. This sessions are just brain exercises to see if it can help him with his memories” The doctor explained. “Talking with his love ones. Recollection of memories. Visiting familiar places. Seeing familiar faces and hearing familiar sounds. We’ll do it little by little and it might take time and a lot of effort until we’ll see progress but we’ll do everything to help him”
“As long as it’ll help Renjun, we’re okay with it” His father stated firmly at Renjun's doctor.
“We'll do our best”
-//-
“I'm sorry, Jaemin”
“It's not your fault, Auntie” Jaemin added small finishing touches on Renjun's plate having finished just in time before the older comes out of his room. Mrs. Huang had let out a bitter smile. If only she could do more to help both her son and his lover. Both of them may be hurting in different ways after the accident but none of their suffering pained less than the other's.
“I'm glad my Renjun found someone like you” The younger smiled gratefully at the obvious acknowledgment.
“I'm lucky to have found him too” Jaemin looked at the small clock placed above one of the kitchen cabinets, with longing suddenly having gotten into him but quickly forcing a smile and brushing the feelings off. One day, one day he'll get closer to preparing breakfast for his beloved once again without having to sneak in. One where he'll get to see the thankful smile on Renjun's lips or feel the back hug he tends to give most of the time.
It'll happen again one day. But for now, he'll put in as much love he could on every meal he serves the other. Even if it's done in secret.
“Junnie will be out soon. I'll be going now, Auntie”
“I'll make sure he finishes everything. Not that he doesn't already but anyway, is there anything you'd want me to buy for tomorrow?”
“Don't worry auntie, I have everything covered but I'll give you a call if anything happens” Mrs. Huang nodded in understanding before sending Jaemin out through the backdoor and going back to the kitchen like routine.
“Mom?” Just in time for Renjun to come out of his room.
“Good morning my sweet sunshine. How was your sleep?”
“It was fine. What's for breakfast?"
-//-
“I want to learn it”
“Learn what?” Chenle stared dumbly at the older
“The Piano. I want to learn. Teach me how to play” The younger sensed the feeling of desperation. Of the urgency and the will to learn. Mostly he felt how broken and emotional the older is “Please”
The younger didn’t asked any other question. He already knew the reason why.
He agreed.
-//-
It took Jaemin awhile. He kept on learning, of trying to play a piece until it’s to a perfection or until his fingers go numb.
He learned the keys at heart. Memorizing how one sound differs from the other. How each press of his fingertip on a key should sound completely complimenting, giving off a sense of belonging to the entirety of the whole piece.
He learned and he played. He kept going on.
Until he’s finally on the same stage as the boy he love the most.
Someone whose memories still can’t recall who he is.
“Hi. I’m Renjun, you’re the new pianist I assume?”
“Yeah, that’s me. I’m Na Jaemin by the way”
“Well, Jaemin. I hope to be working with you for a long time!”
“I’m looking forward to it” Jaemin smiled, inwardly fighting the urge to simply wrap his arms around the other. To trap him in his hands and shower him with kisses and all the love he had been wanting to show Renjun
Unknown to him, Renjun had trouble sleeping that night. The way the new pianist’s lingering stare and the way he looks seems to give him a sense of familiarity. It was one of warmth, of security and of a positive emotion he is yet to decipher.
Just who is Na Jaemin?
-//-
Na Jaemin and Huang Renjun. The Pianist and the Ballet Dancer.
It didn't take long for their duo to start getting recognition. People are starting to notice. All of them eager to get into the 'scenario’’ behind every ballet dance accompanied by a complimenting piano piece. The whole world was soon their stage. Everyone is watching over them.
If only they knew of the complicated story beyond the drapes of the theater curtains.
-//-
“Mom? Dad?”
“Yes, honey?”
“There’s this person I met but he feels familiar and I want to ask if maybe you know him? I think he might be part of my forgotten memories?”
“Could be. What’s their name?”
“Na Jaemin”
The amount of surprise at his mom’s face and the way his father looked saddened were enough of a giveaway to answer his question.
“So I do know who he is” Renjun came into conclusion, seeing the way his parents reacted. “Please tell me who he is in my life. Is he someone important?”
Mrs. Huang reached out for her son's hand, gently running circles on his palm.
“He is your most precious that's how important he is in your life, dear”
“But how important?”
Renjun's father cleared his throat, the small gesture effectively getting the younger boy's attention “Na Jaemin he is …actually your fiance. The day you got into an accident, both of you were on your way back to your shared apartment from here”
Renjun stared in disbelief.
“...The day of the accident. It was the very day you two had gotten engaged”
Next heard was the sound of a chair being pushed and the sound of Renjun's footsteps slowly fading away.
“Renjun-
-let him be alone for now. I think it’s best for him” Mr. Huang was quick to stop his wife from running after their son. Mrs. Huang looked unsure but nonetheless sat back on her chair.
“I don't think it would be wise to leave him at his current state”
“We're just giving him a bit of time to clear his mind a little. I'm sure everything is quite a shock for him right now but soon he'll start asking questions and seeking for answers and we'll be there for him”
“I guess you're right” Mrs. Huang nodded in understanding, eyes looking solemn as she glanced at Renjun's plate with the contents remaining almost untouched.
Both can only hope for things to go well despite how hard it could be.
-//-
“You're my lover” Of all things that Renjun could've told him after weeks of them being reacquainted, Jaemin didn't really expect those words to come out of the other. At least not right now, knowing the condition the older was currently in.
“Renjun…”
“Why didn't you tell me?” Jaemin walked closer to the older silently asking him to follow before guiding him out of the practice room and into an empty one. The younger didn't say a word and simply waited for the older to speak his mind out.
“You knew who I am all along. Who I was or am in your life but you kept it from me. Why?” The older asked no trace of hatred or disappointment in his tone. He was simply curious, someone seeking for answers.
“It's not that easy. I want to but it's not that simple. You were hurt and you forgot about me and us and everyone knows how hard I had tried to make you remember me. I was there when you woke up. I held your hand, Renjun but then you looked at me all confused. You don't know who I am and it had been so heartbreaking. I was devastated but I knew deep inside that none of it had been your fault” Jaemin slowly explained “So I tried so hard to make you remember me, I skipped work even to the point that Doyoung hyung almost got me fired but I didn't even care at that moment. I ended up staying with you most days, trying to make you remember but then something happened and as much as I had wanted you to have your memories back, you're well being is more important to me and so I had to back out. I distanced myself in a way but I also still stayed by your side because fuck I can't fully let you go”
“That’s why you learned to play the piano. Mom told me you did because of me”
“I want to be as close to you” Jaemin laughed bitterly, taking in a deep breathe to not cry. Renjun almost automatically went to the younger, hands raised and about to caress the other before stopping midway and withdrawing before stepping back.
“Mom said that almost a month after I got out, I ended up having a complete blackout after trying to remember things. Is that why you distanced yourself?”
Jaemin nodded. “The doctor said that your brain might have done it as a defense mechanism. Apparently, the idea of sudden infusion of memories is not something your brain is ready to take just yet. One day during your therapy session, you suddenly started screaming in pain, holding on your temples before fainting. You didn't wake up until three days later. After that, we decided to stop your sessions altogether”
Jaemin explained towards Renjun who had sat on a chair, head hanging down low and fists slowly clenching. He said nothing.
“Renjun?”
With that, the older broke down.
“I'm sorry! I'm sorry I forgot about you. About everything that happened between us. I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you have to suffer and be in pain. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I'm sorry” Renjun stated in between deep breathes as he tried his best to not let his tears out. His efforts however ended up futile as droplets had slowly escaped his eyes. Jaemin quickly walked closer, eyes with worry as he used both palms to wipe the tears out of the other.
“Shhh. It's not your fault, baby. Not of this is ever your fault”
“But-
-you didn't wish for any of it to happen, right?” Renjun responded with an almost inaudible nope “And maybe yes, I did suffer but tell you what, I willingly did so because you're worth all the pain and the sacrifices. Because you're everything precious to me. I love you way too much, Huang Renjun”
“I don't deserve you. Oh god. You're way too good for me, Jaemin”
Jaemin simply laughed. “You know, that's actually my line. I've always had these insecurities in our relationship. I've always worried about how I'll never be worthy enough for you. That I'm not deserving and you know what you'd always say?”
“What?”
“That your heart chose me for a reason. That you fell in love with me not because I'm perfect but because of the fact that I do have my own flaws but so do you and you'll tell me that it's okay since we completely balance each other out anyway and that our insecurities, those would always end up resurfacing but in the end, things turn out fine cause we'll figure things out together, as always”
Renjun had finally let out a smile. “We sound like a perfect couple”
“We are if I do say so myself” Jaemin spoke proudly “So stop it with the insecurities, all right? Because you'll always be worth my everything”
“I'll try” Renjun finally spoke after moments of silence “Hey, Jaemin?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you stay?”
“Always”
-//-
“I want to move back in” Renjun casually stated one day as he closed the door of Jaemin's car. They were yet on another date, The younger taking him to another one of their date spots with Renjun hoping in for one thing or another to trigger his forgotten memories. At first, Jaemin had been skeptical, not wanting for Renjun's fainting incident to happen again. However, with the assurance from the doctor that as long as it's in a slow, unforced process to the point of letting the older's memories come back at its own phase then taking the other to places that could be familiar might actually help.
Jaemin looked at the other, unsure but most importantly concerned. “Not that I don't want you to but are you sure? I don't want to pressure you or anything, Junnie”
“It's not really pressuring me if I decided this myself” Renjun reasoned out “It's just that my mom told me about us living together and I thought that if I stay with you, I might recall a thing or two or maybe more and I don't know maybe I'm starting to look desperate but I just really want to get my memories back. Anything of it. Something. I feel so lost and I hate it so much, Jaemin”
“I know how you feel but the doctor said to take things slowly. And as much as I want you to live back with me, you might not be able to take it in one go”
“But what if it helps?” Jaemin sighed at the older's stubbornness before letting out a small nod, an idea formulating in mind.
“Okay, how about instead of moving in with me again. You can take it slow? Let's have sleepovers. Or movie marathons. You can spend days with me in the apartment until we're sure you can adjust to living with me again and if you're really decided on moving back with me after that then let's do it?”
“Yeah, that would be fine” Renjun smiled appreciatively “Thank you, Nana”
Jaemin grinned widely, eyes sparkling at the nickname. It had been ages since he's heard Renjun call him that.
-//-
“I want you to kiss me”
“Wait what?” Jaemin looked at the other. Unsure. “Are you for real?”
The older looked confused and slightly dejected. “You don't want to? I thought you'd be delighted?”
Jaemin sighed, gently cupping the other's cheeks with both hands. “Of course I want to. You have no idea how much I would fight the urge to just pull you and kiss the living daylights out of you every single time you even do as simple as glance my way but I can’t because of the situation we're currently in”
Renjun nodded in understanding. “Valid point but I'm giving you permission to kiss me now. Don't tell me you'll waste the opportunity?”
“Stop tempting me” Jaemin almost whined causing the older to chuckle at his expense. The younger groaned inwardly, stating an almost inaudible 'fuck it’ before pulling the other closer, their foreheads touching each other.
“No backing out now, love”
“Less talking. Just kiss me” And so, Jaemin did. It had been awfully slow at first, the younger still slightly on edge, not wanting for the other to feel any ounce of discomfort even if Renjun had been the one to come up with the idea. His self preservation however had gone down the drain when the other pressed his lips harder on Jaemin's, instantly deepening the kiss.
None of them would be saying that everything had magically fallen into pieces after their kiss. They still had lot of things to work on or in Renjun's case, more things to dig deep into but it had been a start. It's a progress.
A good one that is.
-//-
“Good show as always!”
“Rest and pack up, everyone! Next full show is in a week so make sure you're all prepared and ready by then!”
“I want the head of the props department in my office asap!”
“Where's my fucking shoes!? Has anyone seen my shoes!?
How chaotic.
“Junnie, baby let's go home early?” Renjun blinked at the other with confusion. Jaemin usually stays an hour or so later to give himself a bit more time of self practice and most times, Renjun is more than willing to stay by his side. He found it as a good way to get on knowing everything about the younger all over again. All his quirks, his gestures, his own fluidity and his movements. What his wants are. His dislikes. What kind of opposites does he have with the younger? Who fell in love first? How did he fell in love with Na Jaemin?
“What's with the sudden rush?”
“N-nothing!”
“Na Jaemin…”
“It's nothing really. I just kind of miss cooking for you? I mean we usually just eat outside or have takeout these days since we both got busy but I want to spare some time for you since I used to do that a lot you know when-
-when my memories of you were still intact?” The older stated as he smiled at the younger in appreciation “I understand. And home cooked dinner sounds good”
Jaemin grinned widely at the response “Let's drop by the store first. I'll cook you your favorite”
-//-
Jaemin knelt down in front of Renjun. The older's eyes widening in the process.
“...oh my god. Please don't let this be a marriage proposal. We're too young to get married, Na Jaemin! At least ask when its more appropriate and timely!”
“We're engaged, Renjun” The younger deadpanned.
“...Oh, right. Can't believe I actually said yes. How did I even agree? What did you do?” Jaemin looked at him with worry and a kicked up face as he stood up.
“Please don't tell me you regret it”
Renjun pulled the younger into a hug seeing how fearful the younger looked, he had only meant to be teasing but it seemed the other didn't take it as lightly. He moved, his head now buried on Jaemin's chest. “I don't feel any ounce of emotional turmoil even if I don't remember any bits of it, so I don't think I regret anything. Just maybe, if you're planning on proposing again, do it when it's more convenient”
Renjun had felt how Jaemin's heartbeat had calmed after those words.
“But I'm not proposing” Now Renjun looked puzzled.
The younger had let out a hearty laugh. “Don't worry, it's not a proposal. I'm not going to ask you that for the second time around.” Jaemin pulled the other closer to him then proceeding to wrap an arm around the other's waist before planting a brief kiss on the other's forehead. “Not now at least but in the future, for sure”
“Then what's the ring for?”
“It's sort of a promise ring” Jaemin smiled at the look of confusion on the other's face. He held onto Renjun's hand and gently placed the ring on his finger “It's a reminder, that I, Na Jaemin will promise to always be there for his Huang Renjun. Now. Forever. Through everything. From this lifetime to the next.”
The smaller of the two instinctively wrapped his arms around the taller before effectively burying his face on the others chest. Renjun sighed comfortably.
“I’m so lucky to have you, Nana”
“I’m lucky to have you too, my Junnie”
Renjun detached himself from the other after awhile “But if you're not proposing, what's up with the kneeling?”
“I don't know. For the dramatic flair, I guess”
“You're impossible” The older chuckled briefly before looking at his finger, admiring the ring on it.
-//-
Most of Renjun's past memories of Jaemin still remained as a blur. Sure he's had brief and faint memories from time to time but those flashes had never been enough to create anything vivid.
It came to a point where both of them had started to have doubts of those forgotten memories ever coming back. Renjun more so than Jaemin.
Where Jaemin tried to be more hopeful and optimistic, Renjun began to lose them. He felt like giving up on them might be the better choice seeing as how futile things on his end looked like.
Jaemin ended up being his savior. Again. The younger had him learning how to hold on just a little bit tighter, to not lose his own hopes. Renjun had a hunch that he's talking based on his own experience. How Jaemin never let him go despite everything.
If Jaemin managed to stay strong then so can Renjun. He tried, he was getting there. Almost.
Still, the doubts never really left.
“Nana? Can I say something?”
Jaemin looked from behind the piano, eyes focused towards the boy dressed in a shirt and sweatpants. “Of course”
“I think I love you and I know I don't have most memories of you back so I can't speak of my emotions back then but I'm more than sure the me of now kind of really like you a lot? I love you, Na Jaemin” The younger's eyes widened at that before abruptly standing up, kicking the piano seat down in the process and walking towards the other.
Jaemin cupped the other's chin, bringing the other closer and proceeding to close the distance with a brief but loving kiss. “I love you too, baby”
Renjun smiled at those words but his eyes suddenly looked a bit strained as if mirroring doubts and emotional distress.
“What's wrong?” Jaemin looked at the other with worry. “Did I say anything wrong? Or does it hurt anywhere?” Renjun shook his head briefly
“I'm not hurt anywhere but I'm afraid, Nana. What if you get tired of me?”
“Not a chance. Why would I get tired of someone who completes who I am?”
“That's the thing, Jaemin. I'm not even completely me. I have missing memories, in case you've forgotten”
“I did not. The thing is, Renjun your memories doesn't define who you are. Sure, they're a part of what you've become but it will never be the basis of who you are as a person” Jaemin spoke seriously “I know, I shouldn't be saying this since I'm not the one in your situation but listen, maybe now your head had forgotten things but deep inside, in your heart, you'll always remember and one day, if it thinks you're fully ready, then your mind will recover as well. But for now, don't dwell to negatively about it. Okay?”
“But are you going to wait until I get them back?”
“Always” Jaemin didn't even bat an eyelash with his answer. Didn't even think. His answer had been automatic because somehow, deep inside he already knew
“What if I don't get them back? I know you just said no to negative vibes but I can't not help thinking about the possibility. I'm sorry”
Jaemin knew what the other was looking for. Reassurance. Even if Renjun doesn't seem to be aware of it himself.
“I can always tell them to you. Whenever you want me to, I'd be your storyteller. Your memory bank. Your hard drive. Ask me about a day and I'll tell you about it” Jaemin spoke gently “And if your memories never comes back, don't be burdened about it because I'm here for you and we can relive every single moment if not we can create better ones”
Renjun smiled happily at those words. “That would be nice. I would really like that”
Jaemin pulled the older closer, placing a soft kiss on Renjun's lips.
“Here's to the next chapter of our life?”
“Hm. I like to think of it more as a new story. A new book of you and I” Renjun smiled softly at the idea “And we can go fill up the chapters together?”
“You already have me signed with you and I"
Renjun knows that he's still got ways to go. He's not even sure if he'll ever recollect his memories back but as he looked at Jaemin straight in the eye, seeing the emotions held in them, he knew he won't ever be alone.
Not as long as he shares the stage with him.