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Fingers intertwined with Taehyung’s own. Squeezing down on his hand every time the car pauses at a traffic light, thumb rubbing along his skin every few minutes like some sort of an afterthought. His gaze has been trained on these fingers for the last ten minutes of the journey, the scenery outside dulling in comparison to the sight of a slender wrist resting against the centre console. Light skin disappearing into a black sweater sleeve.

He really doesn’t want to let go, but he needs to ask,

Are you nervous?

Jeongguk watches from the corner of his eye, waits for the next set of lights before he says back,

I’m terrified.

Taehyung smiles and reaches up, hand now free to rub his shoulder.

Everything will be fine.

Jeongguk answers with one firm nod before returning his concentration to the traffic around them. His jawline is set and his eyes are unblinking where they stare straight ahead. He keeps tapping his right fingers against the steering wheel while the left hand has now clenched around the leather with knuckles quickly turning white. Taehyung absent-mindedly takes to brushing the back of his hand over his boyfriend’s neck.

He can’t help but feel nostalgic. It has been a long time coming, all of this. But they're here now and as he looks over at Jeongguk he feels like reminiscing. After all, he first met Jeongguk in a car not unlike this one when the boy was only eight years old.

↞ 

“Hi! My name is Kim Taehyung.” He holds a hand out to the boy in the passenger seat beside him. The dark-haired child stares at his face, then at his outstretched hand. He nods and then turns away. Taehyung pouts out a, “Rude,” before lowering his hand and sitting back in his chair, fastening his seatbelt. The boy is so quiet that he quickly forgets that he's there. He sings aloud to the song stuck in his head, the one that’s always on the television when his favourite shows pause for a break.

We want to take a trip, we want to see what's new.

But before we start the car, here's what we do:

We put our seatbelts on, put your seatbelt on!

We put our seatbelts on, put your seatbelt on!

We put our seatbelts on before we start the car.

We buckle up before we go!

His mother has offered to drive their new neighbour’s son to school. Taehyung had been so excited to have a new friend, but he can already feel the crushing weight of disappointment. This boy isn’t nice like he’d hoped. He is mean. Rude and mean, Taehyung decides after the short interaction. He doesn’t like people who don’t smile, who don’t say a simple ‘hello’ back.

But if Taehyung is anything he’s persistent. Maybe his neighbour is just shy. When they hop out of his mother’s SUV and stand in front of the elementary school together, he thinks he can see the boy’s hands shaking and it only confirms his suspicions.

The dark-haired boy - Jeongguk as his mother had introduced him - nearly jumps clean off the ground when Taehyung grabs his hand and squeezes it. He looks down at their interlaced fingers that Taehyung swings back and forth a little and then up at his wide, gap-toothed grin.

“It’s okay to be nervous. I was nervous on my first day too. I can show you around, if you like.”

Jeongguk frowns, lips pinching together. Taehyung's smile fades. He really wants to be friends with this little kid with the ugly bowl-cut, but he can’t do it if he won’t let him. Still, he’s not about to give up just yet and he refuses to let the young boy’s bad attitude get to him. Instead he pulls at his hand and yanks him forward into the school.

Their first day together is rough. Jeongguk doesn’t say a single word, not even when the principal asks him to introduce himself. Taehyung is a talker; his teachers are always telling him to shush, always asking him to be quiet in the library, to stop speaking out of turn in class. He has no problems talking Jeongguk’s ear off, coming up with things to speak about as he takes it upon himself to show the kid around.

Jeongguk never responds.

The only saving grace is that he never once strays from Taehyung’s side. His facial expression doesn’t change from its blank, reserved state, but he follows the older student around without once attempting to leave or indicating that he would prefer to do otherwise. Taehyung thinks this must be some sort of a good sign.

When his mother picks them up she asks them both how their day was. Taehyung talks and talks about how his first day back was fun and exciting and how much he missed his friends. Jeongguk stares out at the passing trees and telephone poles, never turning his gaze away from them.

-

Their second day isn’t much different, except this time Taehyung has less to talk about and finds himself less motivated to hold a conversation. He asks a lot of questions instead.

Jeongguk doesn’t answer them.

-

On the third day, Taehyung has had enough. He has tried to be nice and he has tried to be kind like his grandmother always taught him, but he can only take so much before he realises he’s fighting a losing battle. Jeongguk is clearly not going to let him in.

“Do you want to sit with me and my friends at lunch?” Jeongguk stares at his mouth, frowning. “We could sit outside instead. I always like it outside but the birds are scary.”

Jeongguk shakes his head almost imperceptibly. Taehyung watches him, observes his scrunched up face.

“Why do you hate me?” He scuffs his shoes against the ground. “What am I doing wrong, Jeongguk-ssi? Why won’t you talk to me?”

Jeongguk watches him, face blank.

Taehyung turns to walk away. When he has taken a few strides, he realises that Jeongguk is following him, trotting by his side like he has been for the past two days.

“Why are you following me? I hate you! Leave me alone.” When Jeongguk only stares again, Taehyung steps forward and shoves him. 

Jeongguk is small and scrawny and he topples easily. He lands on his bottom with his hands flying behind him to catch his fall. His bottom lip trembles as he raises his palms, looking at the skin, torn and filled with gravel. When he looks up at Taehyung he has tears in his eyes.

Taehyung feels immensely guilty, but he’s also embarrassed enough that he can only mumble out a quick, “Sorry,” before he turns to run away, but a sharp voice stops him in his tracks.

“Kim Taehyung."

A half hour later, Taehyung is sitting outside of the principal’s office, legs swinging back and forth in tandem. He’s so very bored, waiting for his mother to arrive and inevitably give him her best ‘I’m disappointed, Kim Taehyung’ speech. He gets up and swaps to another seat, but it does nothing to calm his nerves so he decides to walk around the halls. Never mind that the principal had asked him to stay seated. He wants to do something, not sit still for hours on end.

He walks by the nurse’s room just as Jeongguk comes out with tear tracks on his face. Taehyung swallows as he watches him walk, head down, shoulders hunched, like he’s caved in on himself.

He puts a hand on his shoulder. Jeongguk screams, whirling around. It’s the first time Taehyung has heard him make a sound.

“I’m really sorry, Jeongguk. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. I didn’t mean to.”

Jeongguk squints. He raises his hands into the air for a moment, palms covered in bandages, before he shakes his head, then walks away.

-

The next morning Taehyung has decided he’s never going to speak to Jeongguk again, not after all the trouble he got in with his mother. She’d made him do all of the week’s chores last night, watched him scream and throw a tantrum and made it so he'd have to do next week's chores as well.

When he walks up to the car and sees Jeongguk waiting with his mother by his side, he gets a funny feeling in his stomach.

“Mrs. Kim, Taehyung. Jeongguk and myself both owe you an apology. I-”

“Nonsense.” Taehyung’s mother waves a hand in the air. “Taehyung is the one who should be apologising to you, Mrs. Jeon. I don’t know what got into him, but I promise he’s never been the type to bully someone before. I truly hope he’s going to make amends for his actions towards your son.”

Taehyung bows, cheeks burning. “Sorry, Mrs. Jeon. Sorry, Jeongguk-ssi.”

Jeongguk doesn't look up from the concrete. Mrs. Jeon is shaking her head. “You misunderstand, Mrs. Kim. This isn’t about that.” She looks down at her son, sighs and then says, “Jeongguk is almost completely deaf. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you from the start, but he begged me not to. He’s very embarrassed about it and he wanted to try not to let anyone know. As you can see, that was a rather foolish endeavour. I should’ve known it would cause trouble but I guess,” she wipes at her eyes, “I just wanted to try to give him a normal experience in school. But he’ll never have that, will he?”

The woman becomes rather distraught and Taehyung’s mother immediately wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her aside. Taehyung walks up to Jeongguk, tapping his shoulder to make him look up with his wide, watery eyes.

“Can’t you hear me?” Taehyung asks. Jeongguk frowns as he stares at Taehyung’s lips. He raises his hands again and starts waving them at Taehyung, knocking them together and moving his fingers so fast that Taehyung can’t figure out what he’s trying to do. When Jeongguk sees him tilt his head to the side he makes a soft noise. It sounds something like a groan of frustration.

Taehyung turns around and runs into his house, leaving the bewildered boy behind. He sprints into his bedroom, grabs some crayons and a notebook and runs back out to see Jeongguk staring up at the sky looking rather distressed. Taehyung falls to the ground, skinning his knees and not caring.

He scrawls on the paper,

Can’t you hear me?

then scribbles it out and writes it again a lot more slowly, before holding the paper up for Jeongguk to see, tapping him on the shoulder once again.

Jeongguk’s stares at the letters. Taehyung watches his eyes slowly travel over the paper and wonders if maybe he can’t read either, but then his eyes change, some form of recognition flashing across them. He looks up at Taehyung and shakes his head back and forth, mouth open, saying nothing.

Taehyung kneels down again. This time Jeongguk watches as he writes,

I’m sorry that I pushed you.

Jeongguk shrugs. Taehyung writes again,

Do you want to be my friend?

When he holds the paper up for the third time, Jeongguk reels backwards, staring at the page, up to Taehyung, back down at the page.

He holds his hand out. Taehyung grins as he reaches over to shake it. Jeongguk furrows his brows as Taehyung clasps his hand, but then his lips curve upwards into the first smile Taehyung ever sees on him. It’s small, but it’s there. He shakes his head, pulls Taehyung’s hand out of his and grabs the notebook gently out of his hold.

Taehyung watches as he leans up against the car and starts writing something.

You don’t want to be friends with me. I’m not normal.

Taehyung is already shaking his head as he makes out what Jeongguk’s chicken-scratch handwriting is saying.

He moves to grab the notebook, but halfway there he decides that actions speak louder than words. He gathers Jeongguk up into a hug. Tucks his head against his shoulder and pulls him as close as he can. Underneath his hold the younger boy's muscles lock up. He stands stiff, unmoving as Taehyung squeezes him tight. Jeongguk’s breath is spreading across his ears as he puffs and pants. 

Taehyung doesn’t mind waiting. He decides right then and there that he’ll always wait for Jeongguk and he’ll be the best friend he’s ever had.

↠

Jeongguk’s parents are already seated in the waiting room when they arrive. Jeongguk holds his mother’s hands and gives his dad a hopeful look as the man pats his back. Taehyung decides to give them some privacy, so he wanders off in search of a bathroom.

Once he’s successful in his endeavour, he goes further, walking through the clinic to quell his nerves. He is nervous, after all. He’s pretty sure Jeongguk knows that. Jeongguk knows everything about him. They’ve been in each other’s lives for almost two decades. They’ve seen each other at their worst and they’ve seen each other at their best. They’ve made each other laugh until they cried and they’ve made each other cry until they’re laughing from hysteria. There isn’t anything left for them to hide.

If you gave him the chance to go back and change anything, Taehyung wouldn’t do a single thing differently.

He’s lost in thought when he bumps into a familiar face, though he doesn’t actually find it all that familiar at first.

“Whoa. Kim Taehyung-ssi? Is that you?"

There’s a man in front of him. He seems to know Taehyung in such a way that he feels like he should probably know who he is too. So, he nods and says,

“Oh my gosh, hi! Yeah, it’s me.”

The other man chuckles, crossing his arms and saying, “You don’t know who I am, do you?”

“No idea.” Taehyung shrugs, spotting a nearby water cooler and making a beeline for it. If he’s going to have awkward small-talk with a stranger, he might as well stand with a stereotypical plastic cup of water in his hands.

“It’s me, Jungho. Kang Jungho, from school?” Taehyung knows who he is now, but he keeps his face purposefully blank. “You know, I was on the basketball team. C’mon, do I really look that different? You look pretty much the same!” At the raise of Taehyung’s brow, he clarifies, “I mean, of course you look different. Better. You’ve really filled out and- I mean, you’re buff now. Taller. A man. I guess we all are men now, aren’t we?”

Taehyung feels sorry for him, so he says, “I remember now. Hey Jungho.”

“Oh, thank god. I would’ve felt really awkward if you didn’t remember me.”

“It’s kind of hard to forget you.”

Jungho’s face falls, his friendly demeanour disappearing in an instant. For a split second, Taehyung is afraid. He’s afraid that he’s going to see a fist flying at his face again, but Jungho just looks sad as his shoulders slump.

“Yeah. Yeah, I can see why you’d say that.” He looks around the room, but then his friendly smile is back. Taehyung watches in slight confusion as the man starts to ramble. Something about what he did after high school. He tunes him out pretty quickly, ready to be done with this little reunion, when a word catches his attention.

“What?”

“I said, what are you doing at a hearing clinic? This place isn’t just for your average problems.”

“I’m here with Jeongguk.” Taehyung crunches his now empty cup and throws it towards the nearby waste basket. He misses.

“You still hang out with Jeongguk?” The other man’s brows have raised as he watches Taehyung bend over to retrieve the plastic cup.

“I plan to marry him one day.” Taehyung doesn’t look at him as he answers. He places the plastic cup in the basket.

“You- whoa. I didn’t… Well, that’s nice, I guess.” Jungho scratches the back of his head. “I suppose he’s here for the implants? I really hope they work. I…”

Taehyung watches his friendly smile fade away. The other man’s face pulls into a scrunched-up frown.

“I’m sorry, Taehyung.” He sighs. “I’m really sorry for what I did. I’ve changed you know. I know you must hate me, but after high school, well… look, I just changed, okay? I really regret how I treated you. How I treated Jeongguk. I’m so sorry for what I did. I’m really sorry.” He bows his head, shoulders shaking. Taehyung’s stomach clenches uncomfortably. He rests a hand on the other man’s shoulder, concealing a wince.

“You should probably apologise to Jeongguk yourself.”

“I will.” Jungho wipes his face, looks up with a resolute expression. “I will. I’ll find him and apologise. I work here because of him, you know. It really haunted me in college when I realised what kind of person I was. It made me want to make a difference for people like Jeongguk.”

“That’s really nice of you.” Taehyung tries a smile but his lips twitch. “I’m glad you turned your life around.” He clears his throat, looks over his shoulder, down the hallway. “They’re probably about to go in soon. I should probably…”

“Yeah. Yeah, no, of course!” There’s that smile again. It seems a lot more forced now. “Good luck. With everything."

“Thanks, Jungho. See you around.”

Taehyung stares at the lines in the carpet, the criss-crossing pattern that seems to move on its own as he wanders along the pale blue hallways of the clinic. There is something heavy and uncomfortable in his stomach now. 

↞

“How are you going to survive two years without me?”

Taehyung speaks slowly, as he has learnt to do, in-between bites of food at lunch time. After two years, he has taken to carrying a notepad with him at all times, but it’s always easier if he can speak directly to Jeongguk. It took six months for Jeongguk to tell him that the reason he can’t understand Taehyung is not because he’s deaf, but because Taehyung speaks too quickly for him to lip-read. That had been an embarrassing day. Since then he has made a great effort to speak more slowly and more pronouncedly. He doesn’t care how he sounds even though it’s started to affect how he speaks regularly. He doesn’t care when the other kids call him retarded. He doesn’t care when the other boys call him a fag when he always turns to face Jeongguk before speaking, even if he’s not speaking to him. He doesn’t care.

He only cares about Jeongguk and making his life as comfortable as possible. It’s not easy, especially when Jeongguk has to write on a notepad whenever he wants to speak. 

In the summer sun, Jeongguk looks rather serene. He keeps his eyes open slightly so that he can see when Taehyung speaks, but otherwise he’s got them closed, face relaxed, head tilted back. His mum still cuts his hair in a bowl-cut that makes him look extra scrawny, but Taehyung thinks he’s cute and he tells him so whenever he can.

He thinks they’re good together, comfortable. It took two years, but Taehyung doesn’t feel like he needs to tiptoe around the fact that Jeongguk is almost completely deaf and Jeongguk no longer gets defensive whenever the topic comes up. It was a learning curve for sure. The day he’d asked why Jeongguk refused to wear his hearing aids was a good example. They had been in Taehyung’s bedroom. Jeongguk had thrown one of his toys and knocked over a vase that his mother really shouldn’t have put in his room in the first place.

After he’d calmed down and Taehyung had finished crying, Jeongguk wrote in pink crayon that the hearing aids hurt him and only made sounds louder in his ears but not clearer. 

“Don’t you want to hear my voice?” Taehyung had asked, wiping a fist over his red-rimmed eyes.

Jeongguk wrote,

I don’t want to hear it unless it’s exactly the way it’s supposed to sound.

Taehyung didn’t understand and he still doesn’t, but Jeongguk is so sure that he goes along with it with a smile.

Jeongguk’s hand reaching over to his own little notepad brings Taehyung back to the present. He’d forgotten what question he asked until he sees Jeongguk’s quickly scrawled answer.

I already spend half of the day without you. I think I’ll be fine.

“Yeah, but I’m still here when we’re in separate classes. I’m going to be in a completely different school. Doesn’t that worry you?”

Jeongguk writes,

I’ll be fine.

But he looks away, his way of signalling that he doesn’t want to talk anymore.

Taehyung says to the back of his head, “I wish you’d open up to me.”

-

The other kids don’t get why Taehyung hangs out with Jeongguk. There’s one boy in particular who really doesn’t get it.

“Shove out of the way.” Taehyung turns to see his friend being forcibly pushed up against the rusty grey lockers that line the halls. Kang Jungho is standing over him, sneering at him. “Just because you’ve got special needs, doesn’t mean you can hog the hallway.”

Taehyung runs up and grabs Jungho’s shoulder but the other boy is a lot bigger than him. He barely seems to notice Taehyung’s grasping fingers.

“Huh? You’re not going to answer me? I thought you could read lips.” Jungho points to his mouth as he holds Jeongguk up against the locker. The various hinges and locks must be digging into the younger's spine, for his face twists in pain. “Nobody wants you around, loser. There, did you get that?”

He pushes Jeongguk over and laughs as he walks away. Various other students immediately start to dissipate, entertained by the show but not wanting to have to feel the guilt of the clean up. There’s not a teacher in sight when Taehyung rushes up to Jeongguk’s side.

“Are you okay, Guk?” Taehyung asks. Of course Jeongguk isn’t okay, he’s on the verge of crying. “I’m really sorry. I wish I was bigger so that I could stop him.”

Jeongguk only shakes his head and Taehyung knows that he doesn’t blame him. That doesn’t stop Taehyung from moping for the rest of the day. He’s angry at himself, angry at Jungho, angry at the teachers who never seem to be around when he needs them to be. He’s annoyed and tired of not being good enough for Jeongguk. While his science teacher drones on about sedimentary rocks, he gets up from his seat and starts pacing the room.

“Kim Taehyung.” The old woman pauses, whiteboard marker poised in the air, glasses slipping down her nose. “This is the third and final warning. Sit down in your assigned seat.”

He spends the next five minutes swinging his legs back and forth, clenching down on the hard plastic seat. He really doesn’t want to have to have his mother come in to pick him up from the principal’s office again. He’s just so bored and angry and tired and confused.

He hops up again. 

“That’s it. Principal’s office!”

-

His mother takes him to a doctor whose office smells like burnt plastic. He speaks too quickly and too quietly as he tries to explain what ADHD means. All Taehyung can think about is the fact that Jeongguk wouldn’t be able to understand this man, that his lips move too quickly, that he speaks too softly for him to feel the vibrations – as he likes to describe it – of this man’s timid voice.

He never finds out why or how, but news of his diagnosis travels fast. Even faster travels the news that he’s going to be held down a year. He himself is not too fussed by either agendas; he doesn’t really understand why his mother seems so upset when they arrive home or why everyone looks at him like he’s different. He feels exactly the same. He thinks it’s a good thing to stay back a year. Everything will be easy since he’s already done it and he’ll get to spend another year with Jeongguk.

He’s walking down the halls, anxious to see his friend after so many classes apart, when suddenly there is cold metal digging into his back.

“So, I heard you’re a retard as well. You couldn’t even figure out how to do year six.” Jungho shakes Taehyung by the shoulders, jeers in his face. “It explains a lot. No one with half a brain would hang out with someone like little Jeon-gay.”

Taehyung is angry and hurting where he’s pressed against the jagged edge of a locker, but he’s glad. Glad that it’s him instead of Jeongguk for once. Jeongguk is so small and afraid, so defenceless. Taehyung won't hesitate to fight this bully, not for his own sake but for his best friend’s. He spits in Jungho’s face, proud when the other boy reels back and frantically wipes his skin.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He starts stalking back towards Taehyung, fist raised. Before it can connect with any flesh though, Jeongguk tackles an unsuspecting Jungho from the side. The force is enough to knock him down. Taehyung watches in shock as little Jeongguk begins laying punch after punch into the other’s face.

Taehyung has sat outside of the principal’s office many times for a number of reasons, but that day, while he watches a nurse putting an icepack on Jungho’s eye and some cream on his split lip, while he waits for his friend to be dismissed from the office, he realises something that changes his perspective.

Jeongguk is not fragile. Jeongguk is not weak. Jeongguk is not someone he needs to protect.

Jeongguk is deaf and that’s the only thing that makes him any different than Taehyung, or Jungho, or anyone. Yes, he is lacking the ability to hear, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t listen. He listens, perhaps more than anyone else Taehyung knows.

At twelve years old, Taehyung tugs on his mother’s shirt and says, “I want to learn sign language,” and his mother smiles so widely that Taehyung understands what people mean when they tell him he’s got a boxy grin.

-

The day that Taehyung begins middle school is the worst day of his life.

The thing about phrases like, ‘the worst day of my life,’ or, ‘the best day of my life,’ is that they aren’t set in stone. Every moment is fleeting, every second is filled with smaller increments of time that are always slipping away. There will always be another worst day or best day, so long as time keeps moving forward. But as a 13-year-old, Taehyung hasn’t had many ‘worst’ days yet.

He’s thankful to say that he’s got a long list of ‘best’ days already built up.

Like the day that Jeongguk finally hugged him back, a whole year after his first attempt when Taehyung was crying out of frustration when one of his teachers told him that if he didn’t sit down and concentrate, he would never amount to anything.

Or the day that Jeongguk’s face lit up when Taehyung turned to him and said,

Good morning.

Jeongguk’s hands had been a mess, flying fast, too fast for novice Taehyung. The smile on his face had told him everything he needed to know.

So far, the only worst day that Taehyung can think of is the day that Jeongguk’s mother made him wear his hearing aids. Jeongguk had been in pain, face screwed up, but it was nothing compared to when Jungho ripped the aids out in one swift movement, nor had it compared to the distress on his face when his mother had cried and told him she was sorry she couldn't give him a normal life.

Still, this, his first day of middle school, is the worst day of his life so far.

Because Taehyung doesn’t walk up to his mother’s SUV to see Jeongguk rocking on his heels or staring up at the sky, smiling a small smile when he notices Taehyung walking up to him, attempting to sign a greeting. No, Taehyung has to get up earlier and walk a few blocks to a bus station where he thankfully meets a new friend named Jimin.

When the first bell rings, Jeongguk isn’t there for Taehyung to give a pat on the back and a ‘good luck in your classes.’ Instead he’s on his own in a hallway full of unfamiliar faces, overwhelmed as he tries to figure out where his orientation group have disappeared to.

When it’s lunch time, Jeongguk doesn’t wait for him by his locker so that they can grab their lunch packs and walk to the back corner of the schoolyard together. Instead Taehyung scrambles through a busy cafeteria trying to find an empty seat. He doesn’t lie in the grass with his best friend, listening to the sound of nothing as they watch the clouds together. Instead he sits alone and learns why people always say horrible things about cafeteria food. He doesn’t tap Jeongguk’s shoulder when the bell rings, taking his friend’s outstretched hand when it’s time to get up, brushing grass off of his uniform as they make their way back to class. Instead he gets lost in the hallways, found by a teacher who hands him a detention slip and tells him that he may have gotten away with a lot in his other school, but he won’t do it here.

Once his feet hit the concrete at the bus stop he’s running, running, running home. Not to his house, where his mother is anxiously awaiting him with baked cookies and a big, ‘Hi honey, how was your first day?’ Instead, he runs home, to Jeongguk’s house where he lets himself in like he tends to do these days, and sprints straight to Jeongguk’s room.

There he wraps his arms around his startled friend before he pulls back so that he can see him saying, “I missed you, I missed you, I missed you so much.”

Everything will be okay, Taehyung tells himself. He’ll endure the day without Jeongguk and when he gets home they’ll meet up and they’ll still be best friends, no matter what happens.

He's wrong though. That doesn't happen. 

The next day becomes the worst day of his life, then the one after that replaces it.

Because he slowly stops missing Jeongguk while he’s at school, meeting new friends and hanging out with them instead. Homework takes all his free time up and Jeongguk does nothing but sit on the bed and watch him work the few times he comes around.

One month turns to two, turns to six and then Jeongguk and Taehyung don’t see each other anymore, not for the entire year.

↠

Mrs. Jeon is clutching onto her husband’s hand. Mr. Jeon is laughing at her, telling her to calm down, but his knee won’t stop bouncing as they wait for the technician to set everything on her computer up.

Taehyung is calm. So is Jeongguk.

It’s not the first time they’ve tried something like this. There have been other technologies offered, different treatments made available. Taehyung remembers how excited they were when a doctor offered them some state-of-the-art, still not off the processing line, brand new hearing aids. He remembers how devastated Jeongguk was when they hadn’t fixed a thing.

That was a harder time in their lives. Their relationship was still on its training wheels, unsteady foundations barely holding them up during that time when Jeongguk had screamed and thrown their things around their apartment, had told Taehyung that he should leave him, that he’ll never be normal. That was the day that Taehyung stopped wanting a cure. If something came that Jeongguk wanted, fine, but he doesn't yearn for it like he used to in the past. He loves Jeongguk the way he is now. He’s not depending on the implant to work and neither is Jeongguk. They’ve had their hopes dashed one too many times.

“Alright, everything’s set. Are we all ready?” Jeongguk nods. The technician turns to her computer. “Okay then. So, Jeongguk,” she keeps her face towards him even as she starts clicking at things on the screen, “I’m going to turn it on. You likely won’t hear anything at first. Then I’ll slowly start turning each frequency level up, very lightly. I want you to tell me the moment when you can hear any sort of noise at all, okay?”

Taehyung can see her screen from where he is sitting across the room. Nothing on there makes any sense to him, so instead he watches Jeongguk’s face. He’s calm, almost serene in that moment. His eyes are open, ready in case someone speaks, but they are glazed over, resting. His lips are closed, smooth together as he waits and waits. His fingers are still, his knees locked in position. He really isn’t afraid and Taehyung is so, so proud of this strong, brave man in front of him.

“Alright. We’ll know pretty quickly if it works.” To the rest of them, she says, “You can feel free to talk to him, but keep your voice nice and gentle, okay? I’m turning it on right,” click, “now.”

“Jeongguk?” Jeongguk’s mother leans forward. “Can you hear me?”

Jeongguk shakes his head. She makes a little strangled noise in her throat. Mr. Jeon pats her back.

“It’s okay, we’ve only just started. Clients frequently can’t hear anything to begin with,” the technician explains.

A few more clicks. His father clears his throat.

“Son?”

Jeongguk’s face is blank but Taehyung knows. He knows that he’s disappointed. Because maybe they’re not getting their hopes up, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t want this to work.

Taehyung wants it to work so badly.

“Alright, I’m turning up the fourth set of frequencies. This is about the time that most people start hearing things.”

As she’s speaking Jeongguk tilts his head towards her. No one seems to notice, except for Taehyung who raises his brows.

Jeongguk makes a small noise in his throat. Everyone freezes, save for the technician who pauses the slider and turns to face him completely.

“Jeongguk? Can you hear me?” The technician speaks slowly. He doesn’t respond, eyes trained on the floor, breathing heavy.

“Is it working?” Jeongguk’s mother wrings her hands together. “He moved. Can he hear? Jeongguk?”

“Jeongguk, I need you to tell me if you can hear any sound at all, even if it isn’t very clear.”

Jeongguk bobs his head, clears his throat. Taehyung holds his breath.

“I can-” he pauses, eyes widening. He puts his hand to his throat. “Whoa…”

The technician smiles. “I know, your voice might sound a little funny to you at first. This is very good, Jeongguk. I’m going to keep turning the frequency up until you can hear things a little bit clearer.”

A few moments later, he says, “I- I can hear stuff. I can hear you.” His voice is scratchy and there’s a heavy lisp to his words. They're strained with underuse, him never really needing to speak when he can’t make out anything more than the vibrations in his throat.

He sounds so beautiful to Taehyung.

“Jeongguk?”

He turns to his mother.

“Is it clear now, Jeongguk?” The technician has stopped clicking. She speaks slowly, loudly, enunciating every syllable. “Can you make out my words?”

“I- I-” 

Jeongguk nods, nods, nods.

He raises his hands to his face and cries.

“Oh, Jeongguk!” Mrs. Jeon rushes over to his side, clutching his head in her hands and hugging him to her chest. He buries his face into her sweater, sobbing loudly and from here, his face hidden in the pink wool, he looks just like he used to when he was a little kid.

Taehyung smiles, tears streaming down his face. He feels something on his shoulder and turns to see Mr. Jeon looking just as emotional as he pats Taehyung.

After some time, Jeongguk pulls away from his mother, wiping his nose, flinching at each sniffle. The technician continues to meddle with the frequencies until she is content. She bids them all permission to talk for the moment while she processes the information.

Talk Jeongguk does. His conversation is stilted as he speaks to his mother, but it’s better, understandable. He still uses his hands at the same time, probably a kneejerk reaction above anything else.  

“Wow, I can’t believe- is that really my voice? Is this what I normally sound like?"

“Yes, honey, that’s your voice. And this is my voice, does it sound different to what you expected?”

Jeongguk nods. “It’s hard to explain,” he pauses to cough. Everyone giggles as his eyes widen, taking in the new sounds. Sniffling, he continues, “it’s like I can still feel the vibrations but now they’re so much sharper.”

“Oh! I’m so happy.” Mrs. Jeon starts crying again. “Now you can live a normal life!”

“Jeongguk,” the technician cuts in, “tell me, do the sharper sounds hurt?”

He tilts his head then says, “It does sort of hurt.”

“That’s perfectly normal.” The technician is rather straight-faced in the sweet moment. Taehyung supposes she must see this every day, so he can’t blame her for being desensitised. “It might be a little loud so I’ll adjust it further. It will take some getting used to and I’ll need to see you again later to make sure everything is going well. You may get headaches as you take in the new sensory input. Regular pain medication should offer some relief, though if they're really bad headaches we can prescribe you something stronger. If you’re in a lot of pain, please don’t hesitate to schedule an immediate appointment. We need to make sure that you’re comfortable, okay?”

Jeongguk stares at her with wide eyes, like he’s hanging on her every word, but he’s more than likely not taking any of it in. Taehyung knows this because of the way his lips are parted, the way he barely blinks. Knows Jeongguk like the back of his hand, knows that his mind is overwhelmed and he can barely focus on any one thing. He’s probably just listening to the sound of the technician’s keys clicking as she types away, rather than the instructions she is giving him. His mother probably has realised this too, because while Mr. Jeon speaks with Jeongguk, she speaks to the technician, making notes as she tells her about speech therapy and gives her further information to pass onto Jeongguk.

Taehyung watches all of this with a content smile, chest warm. He’s so happy for his boyfriend, so proud of how far he’s come. He has never cared about Jeongguk’s deafness, has never thought of it as something that makes him any less of a person than he himself is. He has never once thought that he would love Jeongguk any more or less if he could or couldn’t hear. That doesn’t mean that he doesn't want Jeongguk to experience life the way it was supposed to be.

It’s a very touchy topic. He loves Jeongguk the way he is, but he wants his life to be different. Taehyung would be upset with himself if Jeongguk hadn’t told him many times how badly he wanted to hear Taehyung’s voice, his singing, his laughing, his moaning… everything. He knows how badly Jeongguk wanted to hear and now he can.

It really doesn’t feel real.

Taehyung hears a chair scraping and looks up to see Jeongguk standing. He looks startled, turning around and staring down at the chair.

“Was that…” he breathes out again, sounding like a small child with his lisp and his wonder-filled tone. “I could tell where that came from.” He blinks a few times. “That was this right?” He grabs the chair, pulling it slowly until it makes the same scraping noise. “Wow.”

Mr. Jeon chuckles. “It’s going to be a whole new world. I guess I’ll have to stop talking behind your back now, won’t I?”

“Very funny, dad.”

Then his smiling face is set in determination, seeming to remember why he got up in the first place. He crosses the room and then he kneels down, right in front of Taehyung, whose heart is racing. For a moment he wonders if Jeongguk can hear it.

“Tae?” His voice crackles. He reaches up and cups Taehyung’s face in his hands, wiping his thumbs over his tears. Taehyung smiles at him, reaching up in-between his hands to wipe his nose. Jeongguk frowns at him. “Taehyung, say something. Please.”

Taehyung takes a deep breath and then says, “Hi Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk bites his lip. He lets go of Taehyung’s face and signs, 

Please, keep talking.

Taehyung giggles, eyes crinkling, cheeks warm. “Um, well… I guess this is my voice. I hope you like how it sounds. People tell me that it’s really deep…” Jeongguk’s brows furrow further, eyes crinkling shut. “I uh, it’s nice weather we’re having today. We should go for a walk later. If you want to.”

Jeongguk bows his head and begins sobbing. Messy, loud cries escape him. He leans forward and presses kisses into Taehyung’s smiling mouth, then all over him as he cherishes the sound of his laugh.

Even the technician reaches for the box of tissues.

↞

It takes five seconds for everything to come rushing back.

Five seconds of seeing the back of Jeongguk’s head in the middle school hallways, five seconds of looking at that familiar bowl cut and that familiar hunched over posture, for Taehyung to realise how badly he’s fucked up.

He runs after his old friend, grabbing his hand. Jeongguk startles so hard that he falls back onto the edge of a locker, crying out in pain as he does so. He seems to quickly forget the sensation when he opens his eyes to see Taehyung standing in front of him.

There is a moment where they’re frozen, staring at each other.

Jeongguk turns away, sprinting down the hallway and around the corner before Taehyung can even think to follow him.

The older student finds Jeongguk later in the day, during the lunchbreak. He’s all alone in the cafeteria. Taehyung’s heart aches. He sits down opposite him, hands already raised before Jeongguk can react to his presence.

You’ve grown so much. I can’t believe how big you’ve gotten. I’m so sorry.

Jeongguk’s eyes widen and widen. He reaches forward and covers Taehyung’s hands with his own, stilling them.

Taehyung watches him lean back and then he says,

You still know sign language?

Taehyung smiles softly.

I never stopped practicing, even to this day.

Jeongguk gets out of his seat, walks around the table, and then wraps his arms around Taehyung and holds him tight against his chest.

He says something out loud. His voice is rough and Taehyung can’t make out his words, but it doesn’t matter. Taehyung pulls away and says,

I missed you too. So much.

-

Taehyung’s transition to high school is a lot less painful thanks to the fact that the campus is connected to the middle school. His and Jeongguk’s schedules are radically different and it is virtually impossible to hang out during the school day, but they make it work.

Taehyung isn’t going to lose him a second time.

Unfortunately, it seems the universe wants them separate. Taehyung is seventeen now. He’s been going through all sorts of things: deciding on a career, going through puberty, dealing with his first love who happens to be the same sex as him. It all leads to stress and hormones that he doesn’t have much control over, but Jeongguk understands. He always understands when Taehyung snaps at him, when he doesn’t want to do anything after school but lie on his bed and cry. He always understands when Taehyung goes on rants that are too fast for him to lip-read, only picking up the ending, “I hate myself. Why can’t I be normal?”

And he always does the same thing every time. He wraps his arms around Taehyung and signs something against his back that Taehyung never asks about.

One day he finishes the school day in an extremely bad mood.

Jeongguk is always waiting for him out the front of the campus. He watches with wide eyes as Taehyung storms right past him, quickly running behind him and following him as he stomps his way to the bus stop.

They’re near their houses when Jeongguk grows impatient. Taehyung feels him grabbing his wrist and it breaks him.

Let’s go to the park, Jeongguk proposes.

Taehyung nods, tears furrowing down his cheeks.

“Today I tried to grab Hoseok’s hand when we were in the cafeteria together. He freaked out. It wasn’t even above the table, but he stood up and shoved me onto the floor and started making fun of me, saying that I was gay right in front of everyone.” He wipes his sleeves over his eyes and nose, all the while making sure he pronounces everything slowly and clearly. Jeongguk’s frown is growing deeper and deeper, so Taehyung knows that he’s following along. “He found me later and cried while apologising. He says he’s just scared people will find out but I- I just hate this so much.” He pulls his knees up to his chest, fresh tears on his face now and he can’t be bothered wiping them away anymore.

Don’t worry. He’ll come around eventually. He’d be an idiot to not be proud to show you off to everyone.

Taehyung lends him a watery smile.

“I broke up with him, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk’s mouth falls open. Taehyung can’t help but laugh at his cute expression.

He’s not laughing when Jeongguk crawls towards him and stops with his face right in front of his. Hands raising to hover in front of him, like he wants to touch him but can't, for he has to use them to say,

I would never hide you.

Taehyung stares at his hands, at his serious expression. Perhaps he’s reading this wrong, but…

But Jeongguk is leaning closer and closer and Taehyung panics.

Lips connect with his cheek. Jeongguk sits back quickly, eyes wide and worried.

“Jeongguk… I… I’m so sorry. I don’t- Uh…”

The younger boy nods, cheeks red and eyes glossy. He moves to push himself up off the ground, but Taehyung grabs him by the hands.

“Please, Jeongguk, don’t go.”

Jeongguk rips his hands out of his, flickering them through the air in angry, jerky movements.

I get it. No one could ever love someone like me.

“I do love you, Jeongguk, just- just not like that. I’m so sorry. You’re my best friend, please, I can’t lose you again. So just, please, don’t go.”

Jeongguk huffs, but he quickly sits down and Taehyung is used to silence between them but somehow this silence seems a lot more awkward than it does peaceful.

“Jeongguk, one day someone will love you the way you deserve to be loved. That person will light up your bad days, will support you through everything. They’ll cherish you and hold you close and they won’t care about something as silly as whether or not you can hear. I just don’t think I’m going to be that person. But I will always be here, always. I can’t wait to meet the person who makes you happy.”

Jeongguk turns his head away. He doesn’t leave, but he doesn’t listen anymore, and Taehyung thinks that hurts just as much.

-

Jeongguk is always waiting for him out the front of the high school at the end of the day, always waiting for him by the campus’ front entrance, until one day he isn’t.

He’s being dramatic, Taehyung thinks. Maybe Jeongguk is just late. He does have a couple more friends nowadays. Maybe he’s just hanging out with them. The thought makes Taehyung simultaneously jealous and proud, duelling emotions that battle with each other for victory, but as he sits on the front steps of the high school, Taehyung decides that he doesn’t want to be jealous. If Jeongguk has more friends, then Taehyung is happy for him. If it means that they don’t get to hang out as much, then that’s fine.

But when Taehyung sees one of those friends, Yugyeom, walking towards him with his eyebrows pushed together and his hands clenched tightly around his bag straps, he knows.

He just knows.

“What happened? Where is he?”

“Jungho.” Yugyeom says, voice shaky. “They took him to the hospital.”

At the hospital Taehyung runs, runs despite nurses shouting at him to slow down, despite not even knowing where he’s supposed to go until he runs straight into Mr. Jeon, nearly bowling him over.

“Come on, Taehyung. He’s right here.”

He wants to touch Jeongguk’s face, just to touch him, just to feel that he’s okay, but it’s bloodied and bruised and so instead he clenches his hands into fists by his side as he sits with his friend.

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve been there, I could’ve-”

Jeongguk touches his shoulder and smiles. Something inside of Taehyung melts and reforms.

He got expelled. He can’t do anything to me anymore.

“I didn’t even know he was still- And I- I’m so sorry.”

It’s not your fault.

But that’s not what Taehyung is apologising for anymore and Taehyung knows that it is his fault that Jeongguk doesn’t smile as brightly anymore or that Jeongguk doesn’t tell him everything anymore. It is his fault. It’s all his fault.

↠

The entire car ride home is stressful for Taehyung, mostly because he knows that he could kill them both if he doesn’t concentrate on the road. How can he, though, when he just wants to stare at his boyfriend as he experiences sound for the first time?

Does it always sound this loud?

He’s reverted back to signing, embarrassed by his voice after Taehyung told him he sounds funny. Taehyung isn’t worried. It’s going to take time for both of them to readjust. He'll apologise and explain what he meant later. 

“I guess it is,” he answers and Jeongguk immediately turns his head towards the sound of his voice.

“Wow,” he breathes out yet again. He keeps doing that, keeps looking around in wonder every time a different sound presents itself and Taehyung’s heart is so overwhelmed with joy, his cheeks hurting from smiling too much. Jeongguk says, I can’t believe that I can tell where you are.

Taehyung giggles. Reaches over and grabs his hands, rubbing his thumb over them. “You’re so cute.”

Jeongguk stares down at their intertwined fingers. He pulls away and says, Why doesn't that make noise?

"It does. You just need to listen really closely."

When they get home, Jeongguk opens the front door and pauses.

That doesn’t sound like I thought it would.

Taehyung laughs as he pushes him in through the doorway. He waits until Jeongguk is facing him – old habits, he’ll have to remember he doesn’t need to do that anymore – until he says, “Come on, or we’ll only be a few feet in the house by the time it’s dark.”

He watches Jeongguk walk around, touching things, listening to things. He opens and closes doors just to hear what sound they make, claiming that the loungeroom door sounds different to the bathroom door. Taehyung can’t really hear a difference, but he agrees with him anyway.

At one point the novelty wears off and Taehyung leaves him to his exploring. He washes up in the bathroom, unsurprised to find his reflection smiling uncontrollably. It's a happy time, this right now. Maybe one of the happiest times in their lives together. It still doesn't feel quite real. 

A half hour later Taehyung finds Jeongguk in their bedroom, so enamoured by something that he doesn't hear Taehyung creeping through the doorway. 

He's standing beside their bed, staring at the sheets. Taehyung smiles, watching as Jeongguk grabs the top sheet and pulls it back, head tilting as he listens to the material crinkling as it folds. Then he pulls it the other way.

“Wow." Taehyung can’t help but laugh. Jeongguk turns to him with wide eyes. “I didn’t know the sheets made noises.”

“I love your voice,” Taehyung says, walking up to him. “I love hearing you speak.”

Jeongguk sits on the edge of the bed. It sounds weird. I don’t like it.

“Please don’t hide it. Please Jeonggukkie.” Taehyung comes to stand in front of him and runs his hands along his forearms. Jeongguk stares at the points where their skin slides together. “Please, it makes me so happy to hear you talking.”

Jeongguk looks up at him and smiles. “If it makes you happy then…”

Taehyung kisses him, long and slow. Jeongguk makes a tiny noise before reciprocating, tongue snaking out of its own accord and brushing up against Taehyung's.

Jeongguk pulls away, eyes filled with horror.

“Why does it sound so…”

“Gross?” Taehyung laughs, leaning down to smack his lips against his cheeks. “You get used to it.”

“I want to hear more of you.” Jeongguk, flipping them, presses Taehyung down into the sheets in a move that is all too familiar by now. “I want to hear what you sound like, when-”

“Please,” Taehyung sighs out, “Please, Jeongguk, do it.”

So, he does. It’s not the most amazing sex Taehyung has ever had, mostly because Jeongguk pauses every few moments to process the new sounds, but it’s sort of like their first time: tentative and comfortable, moments to laugh at and special moments to commit to memory. It's somewhat magical.

Afterwards, Jeongguk says,

I love you.

Taehyung pulls away, panting breaths like music. At least that's what Jeongguk tells him. “Say it out loud?”

“I love you, Taehyung.” 

Taehyung grins and says, “I love you too, Jeongguk.”

They cry together on the bed and fall asleep intertwined.

↞

It’s as cliched as ever. You don't realise what you have until it's gone, goes the saying. Taehyung already knew what he had, a precious secret that he has kept safe for ten years. He just didn't realise how he felt about it until it was being discovered by someone else. He could slap himself, could do much worse, when he realises that the stormy feeling in his belly isn’t just a reaction to a bad lunch.

Taehyung, Jeongguk smiles over at him, this is Kalee. She’s from my dance club.

“Hello, Taehyung-ssi.” Kalee sticks her hand out. She’s got pretty brown hair and pretty brown eyes and a pretty, wide smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Taehyung smiles back. He knows she doesn't notice the way his lips quiver or his hand hesitates to shake hers back. But Jeongguk does. “Nice to meet you too.”

Kalee knows sign language too. Jeongguk turns to Kalee. Show him!

Kalee smiles softly at Jeongguk, eyes crinkling closed. Taehyung watches her sign, Isn’t Jeongguk just the cutest? Taehyung watches Jeongguk blush, watches him kick at the ground and tell her she’s cuter, movements flimsy and uncertain.

“I’m going to go and get a drink. I’ll be right back.”

He leaves them there in the college cafeteria and absent-mindedly heads towards a soda machine. He pretends to take his time reading the labels when there’s really only one option that works, all the other button lazily marked with Xs in permanent marker. After several moments he puts a coin in the machine and clicks said button. Immediately he laments the three dollars he just lost, realising with woe that three dollars could’ve paid for at least two nights worth of instant ramen.

Kalee is gone when he gets back. Jeongguk has a stupid smile on his face. Taehyung's heart beats hard in his chest.

She’s the one.

“How long have you known her for?”

A few months. I didn’t know she knew sign language until recently. We started talking and Tae, she’s just amazing.

Taehyung swallows. He stares down at the soda can, fiddling with it in his hand.

“That’s nice, Jeongguk.”

I want to ask her out. Can you help me?

Taehyung opens the can. It pops open like a geyser, spraying all over him, soaking his clothes with sugary sweetness.

“Fuck!” He stands up, shouting loud enough that even Jeongguk jumps. He can feel many pairs of eyes on him and he growls in the back of his throat. “Dammit.”

He puts the can on the table.

With sticky hands, he says, I’ll see you later, Jeongguk.

He walks away.

-

“God, why am I such an idiot?”

“I ask myself the same question every day.” Jimin looks up at the sky. “God, why is Taehyung such an idiot?”

“Jimin!” Taehyung whines, stomping his feet a little bit harder. “Jimin, my world is literally falling apart right now. Help me.”

“What do you want from me?” Jimin walks one step faster than Taehyung as they head back to their dorm, forcing him to trot to keep up. “So you love Jeongguk, big deal!”

“Will you- Shush!” Jumping forward, he slams his hand down over Jimin’s mouth. Passersby aren’t even looking at them, but Taehyung still glances in every direction, paranoid. “I’m not-” Jimin licks his palm, forcing him to let go. “Gross! I’m not in love with him,” he whispers.

“Right. You just realised you have a gigantic crush on him that has been building for- how many years now?”

“Eleven.”

“Right. Eleven years. That definitely doesn’t sound like you’re in love or anything.”

“I- I don’t know. I didn't realise- I just, when I saw-” He ducks his head, steps slowing. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell him, you fool. He told you he liked you once, right?” Jimin puts an arm around him, harsh words accompanied by a soft squeeze.

“Not exactly.” Taehyung sighs, running a hand through his hair.

“But he did like you.”

“Yeah, I guess. That was years ago.”

“If he liked you then, that means he probably still does. C’mon Tae, as annoying and clingy as you are, you’re pretty fucking beautiful to look at. And I guess you're sort of nice and lovely, too. No way Jeongguk isn’t mad about you.” Taehyung frowns, shoving Jimin away. Cheeks pink. “Tae,” now sounding serious, his friend strokes his shoulder, making him look his way, “just do it. I’m not kidding. I see how that kid looks at you. He loves you, for sure. You just need to be honest with yourself. Don’t you want to be the one to make Jeongguk happy?”

Taehyung tilts his head downwards, thinks hard about his answer. He says, “I do.”

Jimin pats his head like a doting father, never mind that he has to reach up to do it. “Then go tell him!”

“I will!” Taehyung stands straighter, bouncing on his heels. “I’ll go and do it right now.”

Jimin grins, gesturing back the way they came. “Go get him, Tiger.”

Taehyung runs and runs and runs until he bursts into the dance club. Everyone looks up, startled, except for one student who continues doing his stretches, completely undisturbed. For one brief moment, Taehyung stands there, panting, and just watches. Watches his best friend and feels an overwhelming sense of pride.

He remembers vividly the night that Jeongguk confessed that he wanted to dance. He remembers their sleepover. (He’d had to spend ten minutes convincing Jeongguk that it’s still cool for them to have sleepovers at 21 and 19 years old.) He remembers Jeongguk watching his expression closely when he confessed that he was interested in a club, after months of claiming not to be. Remembers how Jeongguk had told him, ‘Forget what I said. It’s stupid,’ with shaking hands.

Remembers how he’d grabbed those hands and held them tight and told him there was no reason he couldn’t be a dancer. So what if you can’t hear?  Taehyung replied back. Fuck anyone who thinks that that matters. I know that you can do anything. Feel the music. Feel the vibrations. I know you can do it. You’re Jeon Jeongguk.

Taehyung wonders why he had never realised before, hadn’t put two and two together when the disappointment had nearly overwhelmed him. Hadn’t figured out why his hands felt so cold when Jeongguk let them go.

Now he gets it, as he strides over to his friend and taps him on the shoulder, watches his big round eyes lighting up when he sees Taehyung, watches his long, slender fingers informing him that,

I did it! I did it, hyung.

Jimin seems to know before he has even opened the door. He doesn’t need to say anything, just opens his arms and takes a step forward.

“I’m such an idiot.”

“Don’t worry, baby.” Jimin strokes his hair back and dabs under his eyes. He kisses his forehead and doesn’t look even a little bit offended when Taehyung tells him that he wishes it was Jeongguk doing this. “If it’s meant to be, he’ll find his way back to you.”

-

Kalee is as nice as she is pretty. She's friendly, sweet, optimistic. Taehyung is happy. Really. Jeongguk deserves to be happy and even though Taehyung’s opinions have changed, his mindset hasn't. If Kalee is the person that is going to love Jeongguk like he deserves to be loved, then Taehyung is happy she’s here.

Taehyung is certain that she’s not that one.

It’s just his jealousy talking. That's what he tells himself. That's what Jimin tells him. Many nights are spent with Taehyung ranting over a bottle of beer and Jimin telling him he’s being overdramatic.

But things change. One week turns into two turns into a month and Kalee is still nice. Too nice. Taehyung tells Jeongguk as much.

“So,” he swallows a mouthful of ramen before he continues his sentence, “Kalee is nice.”

Jeongguk looks up, eyes alight.

I really like her.

“That’s nice, Guk.” Taehyung puts his chopsticks down and leans back in his chair. “But don’t you think she’s a little bit too nice?”

What does that mean?

“I don’t know, I just… She’s sort of…” Taehyung watches Jeongguk’s happy expression start to fade away. “I just think it’s weird how she sort of suddenly started talking to you out of nowhere. And she seems sort of obsessed with you, like, because you’re deaf. If that makes sense.” Jeongguk puts his own chopsticks down, staring hard at Taehyung’s mouth. “I don’t know, I guess I just think it’s weird. How she showed up out of nowhere and started liking you. Like, this sounds weird, but it’s almost like she only likes you because you’re deaf. Does that make sense?” Jeongguk blinks at him a few times. "Y'know, she's always bringing up that you're deaf and she always mentions that she's the first one to look past that and see "the real you" or whatever." Taehyung stops himself there, hearing his own tone growing bitter.

Jeongguk swallows, clears his throat and raises his hands.

I know what you’re really saying. I know what you're hiding.

Taehyung’s heart flips. His eyes flicker quickly from Jeongguk’s hands to his hurt eyes.

“Jeongguk, I- I swear I didn’t realise until recently. I just- how could I not? You're- Anyway, I’m not trying to break you guys up. I just want you to be happy I just thought that maybe I could-”

He pauses and watches as Jeongguk says,

You think no one could actually love me, right?

“What? No, I-”

It’s impossible that she actually likes me. How could she? I’m not normal.

“No, Jeongguk, wait. That’s not what I’m saying at all, I-”

Jeongguk laughs. A dry, rasping sound that claws its way out of his throat. Usually Taehyung loves to hear it, loves when Jeongguk is so happy that he can’t even stop himself from using his voice.

Jeongguk starts signing again, hands moving fast, fingers sharply making their point, but he ends up huffing and grabbing his phone. Angrily jabbing at his screen, frown apparent on his face, Taehyung can only wait as he watches Jeongguk unleash into his messaging app.

His phone buzzes. Then buzzes again, and again, and...

I thought you of all people would support me, but you’re just like everybody else.

At least Kalee doesn’t treat me like I’m made of glass. Yeah, she brings up the fact that I'm deaf. You know why? Because she doesn't think it makes me abnormal. She doesn't think I need to be treated like I'm different.

You, my friends, the people in the dance club, my mother. I’m just the disabled kid that’s never going to have a normal life.

Fuck you, Tae. Honestly. You only supported me when I had no one else. As soon as it’s become obvious that I don’t rely on you anymore, that I’m no longer your “special” friend, you get all jealous and protective like I’m going to break apart without you.

Well guess what? I’m doing just fine without you. I don’t need you. I have Kalee now.

And then he gets up and leaves, chair leaving a nice dent in the wall with how hard he pushes it back. But he doesn’t hear that and he doesn’t hear the way Taehyung sobs into his hand.

-

The thing about the saying, ‘The worst day of my life,’ is that it only applies to the past. Taehyung remembers that year he spent without Jeongguk. He remembers it well.

This time is different. This time it only lasts a month. This time Taehyung has good friends who do everything they can to support him.

This time Taehyung is more broken than ever before.

He gets drunk a lot. Just like any other heartbroken college student would do. Sometimes he does it at parties where he grabs the nearest pretty person and spends the night with them, always waking up so very full of regret. Sometimes he does it with Jimin, his hyung letting him cry on his shoulder and telling him that everything will be okay. On a particular night he tries to kiss him, or so Jimin tells him the next morning, which explains why one side of his face stings.

One night he does it alone. One night he does it alone and that’s the night that he texts Jeongguk back. Four weeks later, he finally sends his reply.

Mayb you’re right. Maybe I did treat you differitly. but it’s not for the reason hou think

I stopped seeing you as someone s”pecial” when I was 14 years odl Jeonguk.

I realised that you were stronger than anyone I knew,. and I realised that you being deaf meant nothing

since then I have never once though t of you as made of glass or weka or anything like that.

fuck me??? seriously, fuck you, seriously

I’ve alwaus fucking been here for you and you fucking know that I don’t think of you like that

naybe every one else does. maybe even your morther does. but not me and you know that im not like that. fuck oyuuuuuuuu seriously fuck you

 aybe I am jealous. fuck it. I AM JEALUOs. I hate KAELLEE fuck it I hate her so much.

bc she IS good for you and I guess I’m not

whateverrrrr I don’t even care now. enjoy fucking her or whatever

I’ll just cry myself to sleep every night bc I fucking miss you sos much but whateeeeever

fuck over a decade of friendship right/?

fuck you

The final message sent, he tosses his phone aside and then passes out.

He wakes up to a horrible smell, a cracked phone screen and a text back.

Kalee and I broke up.

Can I please see you?

-

You were right about everything.

Taehyung shakes his head fast and hard.

“No, Jeongguk. You were right. I guess I did treat you differently and I’m sorry. I swear, I don’t see you like the way you said though. I don’t think of you as fra-”

Jeongguk’s hand covers his mouth, grip firm, lips pursed. He shakes his own head, pulls away and says.

You were right about Kalee. She only wanted me because I’m deaf.

Taehyung is so shocked that he has to sit down. He had been spouting complete bullshit when he said that originally, jealous and looking for a reason to dislike the girl. But Jeongguk explains, explains how Kalee never even looked his way until she saw him using sign language, how she constantly brought up the fact that he’s deaf, how she got upset when he mentioned that he was thinking about applying for implants.

She only liked me because she saw me as a project, he finishes. Someone she could look after, I guess. When he looks over and Taehyung doesn’t say anything he continues, head down, I guess I really will never be loved, not normally.

Taehyung grabs him by the sides of the face, tilts his head back, forces him to look straight at him, eyes wide.

“Stop talking like that. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met and it has nothing to with to do with your lack of hearing ability. You are so strong and intense and passionate. You’re cute and cheerful and you want everyone around you to be happy all of the time. You care about your friends and you want to learn about everything and that’s so cool, Jeongguk. Really. I wish I could show you how amazing you are.”

Jeongguk’s jaw is slack. Taehyung can feel it underneath his hands and he watches while tears spill over his cheeks and he shudders in his hold.

“Baby,” Taehyung coos to no one, Jeongguk’s eyes squeezed closed. Taehyung looks at him, hunched over, hands hidden in his face. He swallows and says into Jeongguk’s hair, “I love you so much. I’m sorry it took so long for me to realise.”

Jeongguk leans back, eyes opening, face blotchy. Silently asking him what he just said.

Taehyung smiles, brushing his hair back. “Don’t worry about it right now.”

↠

Taehyung hears the crying the moment he walks through the front door. Loud, wailing sobs that chill him to the bone.

A panic he has never known flares up in his belly. He trips on the hall carpet, pain lancing through his ankle, but he’s only got Jeongguk in his mind as he races through the house, heart in his throat.

Jeongguk is in a ball on the floor, sobbing into his fist, shaking. Taehyung slides into the room, grabbing him by the shoulder and nearly copping a broken nose when Jeongguk jumps.

“Jeongguk? Jeongguk!” Taehyung pulls him up, seeing the state he’s in, heart breaking. “What’s wrong, baby? C’mon talk to me.”

It’s gone. Jeongguk signs, with hands that glisten with tears and snot. He’s shaking his head back and forth as he barely manages to sign, It’s gone, it’s gone.

-

The specialist calmly tells Taehyung that this does happen to about 10% of recipients of the implants. She tells them not to worry, but she books Jeongguk an immediate session.

They don’t tell anyone about it, as per Jeongguk’s wishes.

Jeongguk is awfully quiet over the next day. He barely talks to Taehyung, barely comes out of his room. Taehyung can't say he minds. At one point he witnesses him pulling the sheets back and forth over the bed and whimpering. He decides he doesn't want to see anymore.

The technician presses a few buttons and Jeongguk sags in his chair.

“It shouldn’t, but it might happen again. The technology is not completely perfect just yet. If it does happen, just call us and we’ll book you in. Don’t ever try to manually fix the problem.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything and neither does Jeongguk.

In bed that night Jeongguk speaks.

“Do you think my life will ever be normal?” He asks, voice beginning to clarify after so many weeks of using it.

Taehyung turns over to face him. He doesn’t really know what to say, but Jeongguk speaks before he has to.

“When I first heard sound, my mother said that. One of the first things I ever heard her say. That I’d finally be able to live a normal life.” Jeongguk pulls the bed sheets back and forth over them both. “But I’m not normal, even when I can hear. I’ll never be normal.”

“Who cares?” Taehyung reaches forward, fingertips brushing underneath his chin. Jeongguk won’t look him in the eyes. “I’m not normal either and I never have been. What even is normal? Who cares if you don’t measure up to the world’s standards? Fuck the world.”

Jeongguk takes a deep breath and then says, “I don’t care about the world. I care about you. I just want to be normal for you. Give you a normal relationship.”

Taehyung pulls his fingers away and stares at him, at his half-lidded eyes as they flit around the room.

He sits up in the bed.

When he next speaks, he faces Jeongguk, even though he doesn’t want to. It’s been months, but he still can’t break the habit.

“Two decades. You’ve known me for almost two decades. You still think that little of me?”

Jeongguk’s breath hitches in his throat.

Taehyung gets out of the bed. He quietly closes the door behind him as he makes his way out into the hall.

Jeongguk doesn’t follow him out.

Taehyung sleeps on the couch that night.

-

When Taehyung gets home from work the next day, Jeongguk is sitting cross-legged on the bed. They make some startlingly awkward eye contact before Jeongguk reaches forward and pats the space in front of him. Taehyung kicks his socks off and then climbs up onto the bed. He mirrors Jeongguk’s position, hands falling to grasp onto his own ankles.

Jeongguk watches him for a moment, opens his mouth and then changes his mind, closing it. Taehyung waits.

Taehyung will always wait for Jeongguk.

“I’m sorry,” he says eventually. He tentatively reaches forward and collects Taehyung’s hands in his own, rubbing his thumbs over his palms. Taehyung keeps his face straight, but he can’t deny the way his heart jumps in his chest. “I didn’t mean what I said. No,” he quickly speaks up when Taehyung opens his mouth, “let me talk.”

Taehyung nods, hands limp in Jeongguk’s.

“I know how it sounded when I said that. I didn’t mean it. I swear, I didn’t mean it, Tae. I know you don’t care. I know you’ve never cared. But sometimes…” His grip tightens. “Sometimes I wonder if you deserve better. Or if I deserve you at all. It keeps me up, I just- I know it’s not you. I know you l-love me. I know you do, Tae, I know you look past my disability and love me but-”

“Uh, uh, stop!” Taehyung pulls his hands away to hold them up, waving them in front of Jeongguk’s face. The younger leans back, frowning.

“What?”

“I don’t look past your disability. I can’t believe that after almost five years of being together I still have to explain this.” Taehyung huffs. Jeongguk watches on with furrowed brows and pouted lips. “I don’t love you in spite of your disability, nor do I love you because of your disability. I don’t pretend it doesn’t exist, nor have I ever. To me, it’s not a big deal. It never has been. It’s just a part of your life that you deal with, that we deal with, together. It has nothing to do with why I love you. It just is, Jeongguk. You were born almost completely deaf and I don’t care. I never have and I never will. If the implants failed completely and you could never hear a thing I would still love you.” He grins and reaches up to cup his cheek. “How could I not? You’re perfect.”

Jeongguk leans into his touch for one fleeting moment before he pulls back.

“I understand. I know that. I do, I promise. I just get scared sometimes.”

“I know you do. So do I. But we’ve got each other, right?”

“Right. Right.” Jeongguk ducks his head down. “Still, it’s not a normal situation-”

“Oh my god, Jeongguk!” Taehyung brings his hands down his shoulders and shoves him back on the bed. “For the last time,” he crawls on top of his shocked boyfriend, looking down at him with a fiery gaze, “I don’t care about normal. I don’t want a normal relationship, I want you. Get that through your thick,” he taps his temple a few times, Jeongguk flinching away, “skull!”

He leans down and kisses him, long and firm and Jeongguk seems to melt beneath him, breathing loud through his nose, warm air against Taehyung’s skin. He’s kissed Jeongguk hundreds of times now, but it hasn’t gotten old. He’s not sure that it ever will.

Every time he thinks the same thing.

“I’m so lucky,” he whispers against his lips.

Jeongguk breathes hard for a moment before his hand disappears in the blankets underneath them.

He pulls a ring out and shoves it in Taehyung’s face.

“I know it’s not normal.” His hand trembles where he holds the ring. “No fanfare or anything. But, I’m starting to think you don’t care if things aren’t normal.”

Taehyung smiles. Breathily replies, “What gave you that idea?” Eyes trained on glittering silver.

“I just guessed. Taehyung,” he pulls the ring away and looks up into his eyes, “will you marry me?”

And Taehyung says, “What a stupid question,” and kisses him again.

↞

One morning Taehyung walks into his dorm, heavy sigh that can only mean he has just finished attending a lecture, when Jimin strides up to him.

He slaps him clean across the face.

Taehyung reels back, dropping his things, nearly collapsing from shock rather than the force of the blow (because it really wasn’t that hard and Jimin couldn't hurt a fly). It doesn’t stop him from raising back up with an expression of pure hurt.

“Wha- why did you do that?”

“I’m slapping some sense into you.” Jimin clutches at his hand with his other, rubbing his fingers over his palm. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What did I do?” He pouts, ducking to pick up his various belongings.

“Oh I don’t know,” Jimin hums as he watches him, not offering to help, “maybe it’s the six months you’ve spent moping instead of making a damn move on Jeongguk.”

Taehyung focuses on fixing the pages of one of his textbooks, un-creasing the corners where the impact had hit the hardest.

“Taehyung!” Jimin stomps forwards, grabbing him by the shoulders and spinning him around. Taehyung immediately cowers in his grasp.

“Please don’t hit me!”

“What are you doing? It’s been forever! When are you going to man up and do something?”

“Jeongguk and I are just friends!”

“I will slap you again, you bitch.”

“It’s like 11:30! Why are you being so mean?”

“Because, Taehyung,” Jimin answers, fluttering his eyelashes, voice sweet, grip iron tight on his shoulders, “I’m sick to death of you whining about how pretty his eyes are or how soft his lips look. I’m sick to death of you moping because he looked at some girl or lamenting the time he confessed and you thought you didn’t like him back. And I’m really fucking sick of you talking about how much you want to suck his dick.”

“Apply for a new roommate then, if I’m so annoying.” Taehyung shrugs him off and starts towards his own room.

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“I don’t even know if he’s gay.”

“He had a fucking crush on you once.”

“That was like three years ago. He has definitely moved on by now.”

“Come on! Have you seen the way he stares at you? And don’t you dare say, ‘He’s reading my lips!’ or some other bullshit, Tae. He stares at you all of the time. Haven’t you noticed how we all have to repeat ourselves to him, but you never do? It’s because he never sees what we’re saying, because he’s never looking at us, because he’s too busy watching you!”

Jimin ends his sentence on a shout, waving his arms around. Taehyung pouts.

“I’m scared.”

“Tae,” Jimin sighs, stepping forward, this time with a light touch on his shoulder, “what’s the worst thing that could happen? Tell me.”

“He rejects me and everything becomes awkward and we never go back to being friends again.”

“Didn’t he confess to you, though?”

“Well, technically-”

“I will strangle you if you keep talking.” Jimin watches him close his mouth before his shoulders lower again. “He did confess to you, indirectly or not. He tried to kiss you! And yet here you are, to this day, closer than ever. I’ve never known anyone to have a relationship like you two. One lousy confession isn’t going to tear you apart!”

Taehyung turns. “You don’t know that for sure.”

“You’re right.” Jimin fires back, voice sharp. “I don’t know. But you know what I do know, Tae?" He points a finger in his face. "I know the real reason you’re not doing anything.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything, just waits as he fiddles with a button on his jacket.

“You’re not scared that he’ll say no. You’re scared that he’ll say yes.”

“Psh, how does that even-”

“You’re scared, Tae, that he’s going to say yes and that you two will try this relationship and that it won’t be as good as you’ve been picturing in your head. You’re scared that you won’t have that sort of chemistry and you’ll lose your friendship. You’re scared-”

“You’re wrong.” Taehyung cuts in, voice low and quiet. Jimin stills when he turns to face him. “You’re wrong. That’s not what I’m afraid of.”

“Then what, Tae? Why would you stop yourself from experiencing happiness like that? Why would you torture yourself like this?”

“Because, I’m scared- I’m scared that I won’t be good enough for him.”

Jimin watches Taehyung detour to their couch before slumping down on it, springs squeaking underneath him.

“What do you mean?”

“Jeongguk deserves someone who will cherish him. Someone who will support him through everything without treating him differently. Someone who will help him grow as a person and will love him with all of their heart.” He leans forward, rests his head in his hands. “What if I’m not that person? What if I try to be that person and I fail? What if I can’t love him the way he deserves to be loved?”

Jimin kneels down in front of him, lifting his hands away from his face. “I don’t understand, Tae. Haven’t you been doing all of that since day one?”

Taehyung stares at him, wide-eyed.

“I-”

“Tae, I know I wasn’t there from the beginning, but I still saw how Jeongguk used to be in high school. He was… not good. Not like now. But he had you. No matter what happened you were there and you did all of those things that you just said. You still do all of those things, to this day. You’ve always loved him, even if you didn’t know what to call it. Don’t tell me you didn’t.”

“But what if-”

“Maybe there is someone out there, Tae, who can love him the same way. Maybe there are thousands of people on this earth that would be good for him. But where are they? You’re here, right now, already loving him and doing your best to support him. Why not take the opportunity? Don’t let it slip from your fingers. Don’t let another Kalee come along and make you realise that it’s too late.”

And with that, Jimin leans forward and kisses his forehead, before pulling back and leaving Taehyung alone.

-

Taehyung doesn’t see Jeongguk over the weekend. It gives him plenty of time to think.

By Monday he has made up his mind.

He has never been more nervous in his life. From the moment he wakes up in the morning he has the jitters.

Jimin notices. They haven’t talked since the heavy conversation either, but the moment Jimin sees him he grins and says, “Good luck.”

Taehyung gives him a weak smile back. “Thanks.”

“Don’t do it in a weird way. For once in your life, try to be normal.”

Taehyung chuckles. “No promises.”

He always meets Jeongguk at eleven on Mondays. There is a nice two-hour period where neither of them have classes and they usually meet for some boba and find a nice spot on the grounds to sit. It reminds Taehyung of their early school days and he smiles fondly at the memory where he waits in front of the boba shop.

There’s a light tap on his shoulder and then hands are flying in front of his face.

What are you so smiley for?

Taehyung looks at Jeongguk, at his ripped denim jeans and his plain white t-shirt. His big, round eyes and his pink, chapped lips. His fluffy, soft hair and his too-long fringe. His slender hands and his sleek frame.

He raises his hands and says,

I love you.

And he really should’ve waited, at least until they were sitting down or something. Jimin did warn him not to do things abnormally but, well.

Taehyung has never been normal, has he?

Jeongguk’s response is to furrow his brows, mouth miming along with his hands as he signs,

What did you say?

He tilts his head, a mocking smile making its way onto his face already. He thinks Taehyung made a mistake, it seems. A slip of the hands, so to speak.

I love you, he signs again. Movements slow and deliberate. Jeongguk’s smile disappears. His eyes flit up to Taehyung’s lips just in time to see them moving to say, “I love you, Jeongguk.”

What?  His brows are raised, lips parted.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. I think I’ve been in love with you for a really long time. Since before Kalee, since before college, since before you tried to kiss me. I think I’ve been in love with you ever since we were kids, ever since you beat up Kang Jungho. Remember? He was an asshole. Anyway, I think that was the day I realised. I realised you’re a lot more than just a kid who can’t hear, I realised you were so special to me. You are- you’re so special to me, Jeongguk. My whole world revolves around you and it always has.”

He pauses to breathe, heart racing, hands sweating. Jeongguk seems worse, mouth agape, little cut-off noises falling from his lips each time he exhales.

Taehyung’s stomach twists.

“You don’t- I know this is sudden. I should’ve waited for a better time, I just… had to tell you. You don’t have to say anything back!" He quickly waves his hands in the air, shaking his head. "You don’t have to like me back! I guess that would make us even. I rejected you, you reject me! Perfect." He forces out a laugh. "Then we can keep being friends and nothing will change and everything will be normal.”

Jeongguk steps forward and grabs his hand, nearly tugging it out of the socket with how hard he yanks Taehyung. The older boy stumbles a bit, surprised, but he quickly falls into step as Jeongguk starts pulling them off somewhere.

“Hey! What about boba?” But Jeongguk’s head is pointed determinedly forward and Taehyung’s protests fall on deaf ears.

Jeongguk pulls them away from the busy campus centre and straight towards the library block. Taehyung clings onto his hand, wishing he could pull his own back to wipe it on his jeans. Jeongguk makes a sudden turn at the doors and instead leads them to the side of the building, to a little access way that is overgrown with branches.

“Wha- how do you know this is- Ow!” Jeongguk shoves him up against the wall, gaze unapologetic. He lets him go, Taehyung rubbing his elbow where it grazed against the brick.

Did you mean it?

Taehyung looks down at his hands and slowly nods.

You really love me?

Jeongguk’s brows raise, almost like it sounds too preposterous to be true.

“Of course I do.” Taehyung smiles, tilting his head to the side. “How could I not? You’re perfect.”

Jeongguk reaches up. Taehyung is expecting him to say something else, but his hands keep travelling up, up until they cup Taehyung’s cheeks in his large palms. They’re sweaty too, Taehyung notes.

He doesn’t care even a little bit, not when Jeongguk is pressing his trembling lips to his own.

Jeongguk makes this little noise in the back of his throat, probably unaware that it’s even happening. Taehyung smiles too much, so they have to stop.

It’s okay, Taehyung thinks to himself. They’ll have plenty more opportunities to master kissing.

After all, he’s fairly certain that they’ll be together for a long time.

When they pull away they both grin. Jeongguk laughs, a cute wheezing noise. 

Taehyung says,

Do you want to date me?

Jeongguk answers,

What a stupid question.

-