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Bilbo Baggins is not a strange man. No, most certainly not. In fact, Bilbo Baggins likes to fancy himself as a completely respectable gentlehobbit, one of the most respectable in The Shire, and not one thing can ever change that.
Except for maybe not being in The Shire anymore.
Also.
Dwarves.
"Really Thorin," Bilbo reassures his boyfriend as they sit in the car outside Thorin's rather large house, waiting for Thorin to stop having his 'oh my Mahal my boyfriend is about to meet my family' meltdown, "Dwalin has already told me to prepare to see some interestingthings when I meet your family and I'm sure they can't be that bad-"
"No, no Bilbo, I don't think you understand," Thorin interrupts him with a shake of the head to go with his words, "Dwarven families are big, massive, and with big families comes madness."
Bilbo huffs as he crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow in Thorin's direction. "You should know, Thorin, that hobbits themselves have big families. Why, I have nineteen cousins alone-"
"But you're not all as close as dwarves families, are you?" Thorin cuts him off again, "you don't literally live in each others pockets?"
"Well…"
"Bilbo."
"Oh hush up, Thorin," Bilbo sighs and reaches out to tug Thorin's hair from it's ponytail, minding the braids, and run his fingers through the strands in an attempt to calm the dwarf, "if you're worried about me being scared off or whatever else your bizarre mind has come up with, then you needn't worry. You're not going to get rid of me that easily."
"I just-"
"If anything," Bilbo interrupts with a sigh, "I should be the one worried. I mean, what if I don't impress them? What if they don't like me? I'm already looking completely stuffy," and he waves a hand at his nicely tailored suit which is a stark contrast to Thorin's henley, jeans and work boots. Yeah. Bilbo had been under the impression they'd probably be having a nice quiet dinner instead of this incredibly rowdy looking party. Bilbo can only hear a steady thumping coming from the house from inside the car, but he's positive the house is literally shaking on it's foundations.
Dwarves.
"They're going to love you, Bilbo."
"Except for Frerin, probably. Who seems to hate me despite not knowing me."
Thorin groans and leans forward to kiss Bilbo's forehead, "Frerin is an idiot, don't worry about him."
Bilbo smiles, "he's your closest friend after Dwalin, and your brother. Of course I worry," he tangles his fingers back in Thorin's hair again, "but it will be fine, Thorin. I'll love your family no matter what. After all, they gave me you," and he finishes his reassurance off with a grin.
Thorin still looks wound up, overly so, and Bilbo gently tugs on one of his braids with a smile before turning around and jumping out of the car. He can still hear Thorin grumbling, but soon the dwarf is by his side and tangling their hands together with a nervous squeeze.
"Don't say I didn't warn you," Thorin mumbles, and Bilbo swats his arm with a scowl before allowing himself to be tugged towards the front door.
They're only maybe halfway up the lawn before suddenly the front door bursts open and three dwarves come tumbling out, followed by the sudden clearer pounding of what Bilbo can only recognise as intense folk music.
He knows one of them, Dwalin, who spots them instantly with a grin and starts walking over. The other two he doesn't, but he admires the haircut of one of them, the three points of a star most likely to have taken a lot of time to style, and the other… well Bilbo quickly averts his eyes.
Considering the other dwarf is butt naked as he lets out a whoop and takes off down the road.
"Dwalin!" Thorin calls from beside Bilbo, and Bilbo is genuinely thankful for the distraction as the dwarf stops in front of them with what Bilbo can only describe as a shit eating grin, "mind telling me why one of my nephews is honest to Mahal streaking down the road?"
"Tis a bet," Dwalin explains, "Thror was wondering if Kili would be able to steal a gnome from the Ironfoot household completely undetected, bare as the day he was born. In under ten minutes."
"And Dis just let him go?"
Dwalin shrugs and grins at Bilbo, "she's happy to comply with your grandfather. Thinks it's a great idea. She's threatening to ground Kili if he fails."
Thorin groans and covers his face, making Bilbo snicker, before he turns to grimace down at Bilbo. "Ready to go home yet?" he asks, and while it comes out sarcastic Bilbo can still hear the honesty in it.
"And miss the result? Dismiss the thought!" Bilbo laughs, and Dwalin grins at him as he claps his shoulder in good grace. Thorin looks reluctant but he tentatively smiles as well before pulling Bilbo forward.
"Come on then," he says as he leads them into the house, ignoring the dwarf with the star hairdo as they go past. To be honest, Bilbo thinks, the dwarf doesn't acknowledge them either. Too focused on the stopwatch in his hand.
They pause once in the entrance hall, and Bilbo is taken by just how amazing the architecture is in the house. He's only been to Thorin's once or twice, this being the first time there being other people present too, but each time he's admired the work put into the structure.
"Grandfather and Father are in the kitchen," Thorin says after a few mumbled words with Dwalin, who claps Bilbo on the shoulder before disappearing, "you ready to meet them?"
"Are they going to be naked too?" Bilbo teases, and Thorin looks completely mortified.
"I assure you, it's not a family trait. Kili is just…"
"Special?" Bilbo offers, and Thorin slowly nods his head as Bilbo laughs, "come on then, lets go meet them."
Thorin leads him through the house, the house that's quite literally thumping with the intense folk music, but luckily it quietens down as they enter the kitchen and Bilbo sees two elderly dwarves sitting at the table looking to be in the middle of an arm wrestling match, another younger dwarf watching them with an exasperated look.
The younger one looks up as they walk in, and the grin on his face when he sees Thorin slips off when his eyes land on Bilbo.
"Ah, brother," the dwarf says as he stands, "I see you did bring the hobbit with you."
"Frerin…" Thorin growls, his tone one of warning, and Bilbo frowns. So this was the brother who didn't seem particularly thrilled about Bilbo's… well his existence really.
"Oh shut up, Frerin," the oldest looking dwarf snaps as he glances up from his arm wrestling match, "you haven't even meet the hobbit. Stop being a snob."
"I'm not being a snob, Grandfather, I'm just merely saying that-"
"You're a snob who doesn't like the idea that your brother might be into racial mixing," the oldest dwarf groans before he turns to Bilbo with glinting eyes, "don't mind Frerin, he's a prude. A racist really."
"I'm not racist!"
"Racist."
"I…" Bilbo can't really think of much to say before he stutters out a "Bilbo Baggins, at your service."
"And Thror, son of Dain, at yours," Thror replies with a smile and incline of his head, all without moving his hand from it's position wrapped around another. Suddenly he turns and cuffs the dwarf across from him over the head and hisses, "don't be bloody rude" to him.
"How am I being rude!" the dwarf snaps back, "I haven't bloody had time to talk, you motor-mouth."
"Motor-mouth? I'll show you motor-mouth, you piece of shi-"
"Dad! Grandad!" Thorin suddenly shouts, and Bilbo almost chokes on his own tongue, because no, no way are Thorin's father and grandfather currently locked in an arm wrestling match and screaming ridiculous insults at one another.
Thror just huffs and continues to glare at his son while he turns to look at Bilbo with a grimace almost identical to his son's. "Thrain, son of Thror, at your service," he mutters before turning back to the arm wrestling contest.
Bilbo just stands in stunned silence for a moment, taking it all in, until Thorin nudges him gently and cocks his head to the side as he mouths 'you okay?' at him. Bilbo nods and smiles though before moving forward to stand at the head of the table.
"Do you arm wrestle often?" he asks, and Thror looks at him with a grin as Frerin groans and leaves the room.
"Don't mind him," Thror repeats before he nods at Thrain, "aye, we do though. Arm wrestling is a good way for me to continue to remind my son that he's still as weak as a little dwarfling," and he punctuates his statement by putting a bit more force on Thrain's hand and pushing it down towards the table's surface.
"Thorin's Grandfather is a massive asshole," Thrain snarls in Bilbo's direction, but his smile is enough for Bilbo to know he's not actually angry, "and I deny all relation to him."
"Deny all you want, laddie," Thror snorts, "fact states half of you came out of my balls."
"Aaand that's our cue to leave," Thorin pipes up, grabbing Bilbo's arm to pull him away, despite Bilbo finding it hard not to laugh at Thrain's scandalised face as Thror cackles to himself like some crazed dwarf before slamming his sons hand to the table with a loud crack. He allows himself to be whisked out of the room though, batting away Thorin's apologies as he chuckles to himself, and Thorin gives him an affectionate smile as he leads him down the corridor.
"Sorry about that," he repeats again though, and Bilbo just smiles and presses a quick kiss to Thorin's lips.
"Never you mind," he says gently, "they seem quite lovely, if not a bit overzealous."
Thorin snorts, "you can say that again. Ready to meet more?" and at Bilbo's nod he gestures to the next room.
Which turns out to be not only the dining room, but also a disaster zone. Bilbo stands in shock for a brief moment, just wondering if he's gone a bit mad, before Thorin swears beside him.
"I told everyone to be on their best behaviour tonight," he mutters, "and this is what I get."
Bilbo had told Thorin that he was at least mildly prepared for any kind of madness he was to be faced with when meeting the family, but even this was a little bit on the outrageous side. On the table is one dwarf, completely out for the count and lacking all clothes minus what looks like a thong, surrounding him is too many empty bottles of alcohol for Bilbo to count, another dwarf sits at the head of the table surrounded by piles of paper and with Dwalin practically sucking his face off, behind them are two young dwarves, one of which is the streaker from before, fighting over clothing the naked one, and lastly a female dwarf appears to be balancing glass bottles in a tower on top of the unconscious dwarf's nose.
"Thorin!" she cries as soon as she spots them, and Bilbo winces as she flings out a hand and sense the precariously balanced tower of four bottles crashing to the table with a high pitched shattering noise. She doesn't even blink though as she prances over and wraps Thorin in a tight hug.
The noise seems to have startled the rather heavily involved in PDA couple across the room though, and Dwalin jumps away from his… dwarf… to look at Bilbo with a sheepish grin.
Bilbo doesn't get to say anything mocking though as suddenly the female dwarf is in front of him with a massive grin.
"You must be Bilbo!" she declares, and Bilbo tries to protest as she reaches out for him but he suddenly finds himself with a faceful of… well of bosom.
"And you must be Dis," he mumbles out and her laugh is quite literally booming as she pulls him away but holds him tight by the shoulders.
"That I am," she agrees before giving Thorin a shit-eating grin, "my, he's a handsome one indeed, brother. Quite adorable too. I bet you like to do dirty things to him in the bed-"
"Dis!" Thorin shrieks, and Bilbo supposes he cracks a few decibels as he does so. Not that he can talk as he blushes a furious red that he can feel the heat of quite spectacularly. Dis is booming laughter again and Bilbo is quite thankful when she lets him go to dodge a can thrown by her brother.
Slowly he moves around the room, wincing when the unconscious dwarf lets out a horrific snore, and he stops by Dwalin with a raised eyebrow.
"I didn't know you were seeing someone," Bilbo comments, and Dwalin almost seems to blush as he glances down at the other dwarf.
"I, well, yes," he stumbles over his words, and Bilbo has to stop himself from snorting unattractively, "aye, this is Ori, my…"
"His beau," Ori interrupts with a sweet smile in Dwalin's direction before offering his hand for Bilbo to shake, "and you must be Mister Thorin's."
"Ah, yes, Bilbo Baggins at your service," and Bilbo finds himself liking this dwarf already. Soft spoken and completely innocent, a nice change from the rambunctious lot he'd already meet. Which, speaking of, he glances over in time to see Dis tackle Thorin into the doorway and Dwalin to go charging towards them followed by the other two younger dwarves, the streaker thankfully wearing underwear that looks airily similar to the… thong the other dwarf on the table is sporting.
"Don't worry," Ori reassures him with a smile, "it happens a lot. Thorin and his family are a boisterous bunch."
Bilbo laughs at that, quite delighted by the little tidbit, before he cocks his head at Ori. "His family?" he asks, "are you not related?"
"Oh no! Not to Thorin," Ori chuckles, "no, no. My family come from the same halls as the Durins, but we're not related in anyway, which is lucky considering Dwalin is Thorin's cousin. No, I'm only considered 'family' because of my involvement with Dwalin," he smiles at Bilbo before gesturing at the table, "as are my brothers Dori, and Nori, who you may have met? Star like hair?"
"I have not properly met him yet, but I have seen him," Bilbo says and Ori nods.
"Yes, well by our extension there is also Bofur, Bombur and their cousin Bifur, though they are most certainly not even of any halls. They originate from the more poorer families, made up of miners and toymakers. Nori and Bofur are romantically attached. With Dwalin and myself being romantically involved we've managed to extend the Durin family by six extras," he pauses and grins as he gestures at the seat beside him for Bilbo to sit in, "it's all rather complicated in a non-complicated manner. We were already good friends with the Durin's, with Dori and Balin being close friends, Balin being Thorin's cousin, and with dwarves being exceptionally close with their kin. And then Bombur and Dis became good friends, and Bofur and Frerin. We all sort of became official once Dwalin and I got together, so to speak."
Bilbo silently takes it all in, thinking it over in his head for a bit for there are a lot of names to wrap his head around, before he slowly nods his head and smiles. "Dwarf family dynamics are very odd," he says and Ori laughs.
"I understand what you mean. Sometimes it's even confusing to us!"
Bilbo finds himself silently listening to Ori as he continues to babble on about their seemingly gigantic family, and he balks a bit at the mention of two elves being included in the family unit. Odd, for dwarves and elves never got a long, but he's content to just listen as Dori snores irregularly on the table in his… thong and Ori shows Bilbo his books, papers and artwork surrounding him.
Maybe half an hour later, Thorin comes trudging back into the room looking extremely rumpled but with a small smile on his face. Bilbo watches as he takes in Dori with wide eyes before he crosses over to Bilbo and Ori.
"Hello Ori," he greets the other dwarf with a smile as he drapes himself over Bilbo's back and presses a kiss to his cheek, "keeping our hobbit entertained?"
"Aye! He seems very interested in the history of our people," and Ori gives Bilbo an affection smile, "I'm very glad for someone to be."
"Dwalin is."
Ori snorts, "Dwalin would rather us explore the bedroom rather than the gory history of the dwarf clans."
Thorin hums and reaches over to ruffle Ori's hair to which the younger dwarf grins at. "I'll bring him over for you to spend some more time with then," he says and Bilbo gives him a glare, making Thorin flush a little, "if it's okay with him that is."
"Of course," Bilbo agrees and gives Ori a smile as he stands, "I've already given you my number, feel free to contact me anytime. Heavens knows that you're more interesting than Thorin."
Ori just grins, as Thorin scowls, and reaches out to shake Bilbo's hand again before Thorin steers him out of the room, only pausing to insure that Bilbo knows who Dori is and to inform him that the dwarf is normally a lot more respectable than his current state especially when Thorin's nephews are not around.
Bilbo pauses them briefly outside the dining room in the corridor to reach up and run a hand through the birds nest Thorin calls his hair. "Fun play fight?" he asks as he combs the strands back with his fingers to put back up into a ponytail.
Thorin hums at him and bends a little to make it easier for Bilbo to tie his hair with the leather cord he favours. "We weren't play fighting," he says, and Bilbo snorts, "we were discussing Dis's inappropriate comments."
"By play fighting," and Bilbo grins at Thorin's disgruntled look before he kisses the tip of his nose and tugs on his ponytail, marvelling the length of it. Down to his armpits despite nearly being a bloody topknot.
Thorin doesn't argue anymore, just rolls his eyes before he pulls him down the corridor.
"My nephews are keen to meet you," he says as they walk, "although I've made sure that Fili has Kili in appropriate clothing and at least looking somewhat presentable, not to mention a little bit more sober. I have no idea what came over my grandfather and his mother to allow him to go streaking-"
"Thorin," Bilbo sighs and squeezes his hand tightly, "he's young, a teenager in human years. Of course he's going to go streaking."
"But on tonight of all nights. Mahal."
Bilbo just sniggers before they turn a corner and in front of them are the two dwarves from the dining room, the streaker Kili looking completely giddy as he bounces up and down at the sight of them. Must be the alcohol, Bilbo thinks as he watches Kili's shorter ponytail bob up and down as the boy bounds towards them and swamps Bilbo in a hug.
"Mister Boggins! It's so great to finally meet you!" he practically cheers before he tugs his brother forward.
The older brother looks a lot calmer but his smile is affection as he bows, "Fili-"
"And Kili!"
"-at your service."
Bilbo grins at them both, lingering momentarily on Fili who looks an awful lot like his Uncle Frerin and is a bright change with his blond hair from the darker colours the rest of the family seem to have, before he nods. "And Bilbo Baggins at yours," he adds as he stretches out a hand to shake Fili's. The young dwarf grins as he gives Bilbo's hand one firm shake before Kili is bounding forward again to grin at his Uncle.
"Can we take Mister Boggins for a tour around the house, Uncle? Please? You get him alllll the time and we can all get to know each other! And Mum is looking for you anyway."
"'Mum' is always looking for me," Thorin groans before he cocks his head at Bilbo, "is that okay with you?"
Bilbo takes a moment to look at the two nephews, Kili still smelling like a fresh bottle of ale and looking slightly deranged, and Fili the complete opposite all respectful and… clean.
"Of course it is," he laughs as he reaches up to kiss Thorin's cheek, "if I'm not back in twenty minutes send out a search party," he hisses in Thorin's ear though and Thorin barks out a loud laugh as he grins down at Bilbo.
"Duly noted," he agrees before he disappears yet again and leaves Bilbo to his nephews.
Almost instantly Kili has their arms linked as he drags them away. "We'll introduce you to the others, yeah?" Kili decides as Fili tries to protest that it's their Uncle's job to do that and they did say they were going to take him for a tour not a social meeting, but Kili ignores him and pulls Bilbo into the lounge.
The already loud music that Bilbo had gotten use to fairly quickly seems to louden up quite a lot as they step in the room, and Bilbo figures they must've found the source as he sees the stereo thumping away in the corner with a group of dwarves 'rocking out' in front of it.
"Bofur!" Kili yells over the music, and right in Bilbo's ear, and Fili gives him an apologetic look as Kili pulls away to go grab whichever one Bofur is. Bilbo just shakes his head and smiles at Fili though.
"He's energetic," he comments and Fili laughs.
"I think you can say that again," and he elbows Bilbo gently in the side, "Mum says he's a lot like Uncle Thorin was when he was younger."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," and Fili grins at him, "and Mum says Uncle Thorin is a lot like his younger self now. Ever since he met you. I mean, tonight he's completely on edge, and I think that's cause he's nervous we're all going to hate you," and Bilbo winces at those words but Fili's smile as reassuring as he nudges Bilbo again, "but I don't think any of us are gonna hate the hobbit that's made our Uncle our… well our Uncle again."
Bilbo can't really figure out any words to say, he just stands there with his mouth open and completely stunned, but it doesn't matter as suddenly the music drops a fair few levels and the group of dwarves are all turning to stare at him.
"Mister Boggins!" Kili calls out as he muscles his way through with a bewildered looking dwarf trailing behind him, "I want you to meet Bofur," he gestures at the bewildered dwarf with the massive flappy-eared hat, "Bombur and Oin," Bilbo nods at the largest dwarf and the older one with a horn in his ear, "Gloin and his wife," and those two Bilbo smiles at as they still sway along to music of their own, "Nori and Bifur, " and he recognises Nori from before, and then takes a second glance at Bifur because is that an axe in his head? "and finally, Tauriel!"
Ori had said there were two elves, and Bilbo finds himself fascinated as the lady-elf walks forward to smile down at Bilbo.
"Hello, Mister Baggins," she says, and Bilbo reaches out a hand for her to shake, much to her delight.
"Hello, Tauriel," and instantly Kili is muscling in between them.
"Nope no, no time for chatting, you've got to meet Balin and Legolas too," and he grabs Bilbo's arm to drag him outside of all places, but when he glances behind himself he sees both Tauriel and Fili following with grins.
"Mister Balin!" Kili calls out as soon as they get outside, and Bilbo is torn between crying over his energy and being jealous of it, "come meet Uncle's boytoy!"
"Boytoy?" Bilbo yelps, completely scandalised, and Kili just gives him a massive grin before tugging him to a stop before a dwarf and an elf, both covered in dirt as they look up from their garden patch.
"Ah, Mister Baggins, I would offer you my hand but I don't believe you'd enjoy dirt under your nails like mine," and the dwarf chuckles to himself before inclining his head, "Balin, at your service."
"And Legolas," the elf says, quite stiffly if Bilbo says so, "son of Thranduil."
Oh, oh… oh.
He quickly turns to stare at Fili with wide eyes, "you allow Thranduil's son into your house?"
Almost instantly Tauriel, Kili and Legolas are all on guard, their eyes narrowing at Bilbo in a way that makes the hobbit practically fear for his life, but Fili places a hand on Tauriel's arm and an arm around Kili's shoulders, while Balin steps forward.
"Oh hush up you lot," he snaps, and Kili looks positively offended, "you cannot blame him for his thoughts. I highly doubt he understands the situation entirely. We all know Thorin's emotional capacity and Mister Baggins probably knows little of Thranduil's betrayal."
"Which is odd," a new voice pipes up and Bilbo whirls around to see Frerin approaching them, "considering you're the first person he's brought home in a long long time to meet the family," he pauses in front of Bilbo with narrow eyes, "what's so special about you, Mister Baggins, that he's willing to bring you home despite you obviously not knowing much about his past?"
"Aaaand that's our cue to leave," Fili suddenly says, starting to draw Tauriel and Kili away, despite the latter's protest. Bilbo doesn't pay attention to the departure of the other five as he instead narrows his eyes to meet Frerin's.
"It's not in a hobbit's nature to get angry, Mister Durin," Bilbo says levelly, "but I'm not going to deny that you are very much frustrating me."
"Frustrating you? I'm frust-"
"What is your problem with me?" Bilbo interrupts and it's like he sets off a firework.
"My problem?" Frerin snaps, as he thrusts out a finger and jabs it into Bilbo's chest, "my problem is that it seems you know next to nothing about Thorin, yet you still parade around like he's your soulmate or something, like you're his One, and yet you don't even know the entire story of Thranduil, or anything!"
"I was simply asking why Legolas was permitted to be in this household! Let alone considered to be family!"
"And you would know, if you were actually what you think you are!"
"I don't think anything, Durin," Bilbo suddenly snarls, and he smacks Frerin's hand away from his chest, "I know Thorin. I know him well enough to consider him my soulmate because that's what he is. You are a fool to think I know nothing about Thranduil. I know he led Thorin along in a romantic involvement, I know he worked with the creature Smaug, I know that Thranduil was the first elf that Thorin even considered to be different from his entire race, I know that Thranduil was his first love and I know that Thranduil used Thorin to get at his company. I was there when it went to flames, remember? Have you ever been informed of just how Thorin and I met?"
"I…" Frerin looks down at the ground and scuffs his feet, "at the bar Dwalin took him to drown his sorrows at. You were visiting the bartender, your friend, when Thorin got into a fight in the back alleyway with some of Thranduil's henchmen that'd come to gloat. You intervened."
"Technically, Bard and Beorn intervened, I more or less just dragged Thorin out of the firing zone," and Bilbo sighs as he reaches out to place a hand on Frerin's shoulder, "I know about Thranduil, Frerin. I know about Thorin's life, as much as I can, and now hopefully more since I've met you all. I hope to learn about Thorin's future life as I plan to be there with him through it. I love Thorin, Frerin."
"You do?"
Bilbo laughs, "of course I do, Frerin. I'm not Thranduil."
Frerin evaluates him for a long moment, lips pursed and eyes narrow, before he lets out a sigh and sags. "It seems I have done you a grave injustice, Mister Baggins."
"Call me Bilbo," he replies as he squeezes the hand resting on Frerin's shoulder, "and it's fine, I understand. I'm glad you watch out for Thorin, even though it backlashes on me."
Frerin grins at him before surprising Bilbo by ducking forward for a brief hug. "Shall we start over?" he asks when he pull away and offers his hand, "Frerin, son of Thrain and brother of Thorin, at your service."
Bilbo just laughs as he takes Frerin's hand and gives it a hard shake, just as the backdoor flings open and Fili comes tumbling out with Kili, Bofur, Ori, Dwalin and Nori scrambling over top of him to escape what looks like an enraged Thorin.
"Frerin!" he bellows, stepping hard on Fili's stomach as he storms towards Bilbo, and behind him he hears Frerin whimper.
It takes a few tries, but Bilbo eventually manages to defuse the situation, assuring Thorin of his and Frerin's newfound understanding of one another, along with convincing him not to brutally murder his two nephews who'd left him with Frerin, nor the other four who'd attempted to keep Thorin distracted so he didn't… well didn't find out about Frerin attempting to rip Bilbo a new one.
Honestly, Bilbo doesn't think he's seen Thorin look any prouder when he finds out Bilbo was the one doing the ripping.
The night passes a bit more amicably after that. Bilbo finds himself being ushered off by Nori and Bofur who are happy to chat away and divulge the secrets of the family. Bilbo finds himself warming up quite quickly to Bofur's genuineness, and although he's wary of his pockets around Nori he does find the way the two interact nauseatingly cute.
Dis, Frerin, Kili and Thror steal him away briefly to demand what his intentions are, and it's only broken up when Bilbo is being threatened with death by suffocation, which has Bilbo flashing back to being smothered by Dis's bosom, and Fili leads Thrain into the room at the right time. Bilbo scolds himself later for finding satisfaction in watching Thrain dress his father, children and grandchild down like a bunch of toddlers before sending them to their rooms for timeout, but to be quite frank it was truly hilarious.
Fili sticks to his side after that, giving him the explanation that Balin and Dwalin have tackled Thorin for a while about something or rather and that it's Fili's job to ensure Bilbo is no longer kidnapped by crazed family members. It doesn't work too well when Bilbo is pulled away by Ori and Bifur, the latter wanting to meet Bilbo properly and Ori acting as interpreter. One rude question of "how on earth did that axe end up in your head?" and three tangents on orcs later, Bilbo finally stumbles away only to be swamped by a joyful Bombur and newly released Dis for conversations about food.
Well, hobbit's do have a reputation for being excellent chefs.
Legolas and Tauriel accost him once he manages to get away from Dis's grabby hands, and it's then that he finds out Legolas is allowed in the Durin house, albeit reluctantly and very much again Thror's wishes, because of his friendship with Kili, the one who'd also made friends with Tauriel. Bilbo has to laugh a bit at that, wondering just what Thror and Thrain's reactions would've been the first time Legolas came over.
Balin interrupts later for a conversation with the "wee laddie" over his intentions in regards to Thorin, but it's a lot more gentle than the other four and leads to a more in-depth conversation on the history behind the family. Dwalin joins them as well, grinning menacingly down at Bilbo, but Bilbo just swats his arm and turns to listen to Balin rambling on about Thror's greatest achievements.
He doesn't have much of a chance to talk to either Gloin or Oin, the former having disappeared with his wife long ago and the latter snoring up a storm in the kitchen. Although Bilbo did, shamefully, agree to help Fili and Kili stuff Oin's horn with mash potatoes left over from dinner. Bilbo sincerely does not want to be there when Oin wakes up.
Finally, Bilbo finds himself sitting on the sofa, squished between Thrain and Thror, watching the others dance around the room to intense folk music, and his eyes linger especially on Thorin who's got a laughing Frerin as his partner, and Bilbo can't help but wonder if the two are actually dancing or playing a game of "who can do more damage to the others while dancing".
"You're good for him, Mister Baggins," Thrain suddenly says, and Thror hums in agreement from the other side of the hobbit, "we haven't seen our Thorin like this in a very long time."
"Not since that tree-shagger broke him," Thror adds, and he glances down at Bilbo with a smile, "I'm glad to see you've fixed him."
Bilbo watches Thorin for a moment longer before he turns to the two dwarves with a small smile, "there was nothing to fix," he says calmly, "Thorin's never been broken."
Thrain smiles back him, and Bilbo gets the impression that the dwarf never really does say much, but Thror lets out a booming laugh as he claps Bilbo's shoulder with one meaty hand.
"Aye, boy, if you start prattling on about how he's perfect just the way he is I might have to shove an axe in your head like our dear Bifur over there."
Yeah, okay, Bilbo sits there a bit speechless as Thror chuckles at himself and Thrain reaches over to hit him, hissing about "not fucking funny dad", but it's right then that a sudden roar fills the house and Bilbo's positive it might be Oin, or possibly Dori who's suddenly awake and bursting into the lounge in that awful thong and everyone's booming out laughs and Thorin is suddenly right beside him with a hard grip on his arm and…
And Bilbo finds himself suddenly outside wrapped up in arms he's getting awfully familiar with, and he pulls back to look up at Thorin.
"Home time?" he asks, because it truly sounds like blinking chaos in the house as Oin is screaming at Kili and Fili and Dori is screeching about a lack of pants, and Nori's cackling can be heard amongst the shrieks of everyone else and Bilbo doesn't doubt he's recording the entire thing.
"I think so," Thorin laughs, before he leans down and kisses Bilbo lightly, "that might be enough of the Durin household for you for one night."
Bilbo snorts before following Thorin down the path to the car. He contemplates turning back to actually go say goodbye, but he doubts he'll be able to get past all the shrieking and shattering going on.
"It's like a world war in there," he comments to Thorin, and Thorin laughs before he's reaching over the console to kiss Bilbo once again.
"I'm surprised that you've lasted this long," he states as he pulls away to press their foreheads together, "honestly, they're a bunch of savages."
"They're not all that bad," Bilbo replies with a grin, "I quite enjoyed myself, even though your grandfather's humour is quite odd and slightly scary."
Thorin shakes his head and presses another kiss to Bilbo's lips before pulling away to start the car.
"Are you sure?" he asks with a teasing grin on his face as the engine kicks to life, "we could stay for just a little longer."
It's right then that the front door bursts open and the entire group comes spilling out in a giant wave of insanity, and it's right then that Bilbo does one thing that no gentlehobbit has ever done before.
He swears.
"Fucking drive!"