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„I’m madly in love with you, Patrick Stumph. And I’m a fucking idiot.“ Those were the last words I said to my best friend before I felt him cupping my cheeks with both hands and placing his incredibly soft lips on mine for the most passionate kiss I had ever received at that time. Not that there was much experience I had for comparison, I was fourteen and this was only the fourth kiss I had ever received. I actually received all four kisses from my best friend, but this one was different. This one changed our lives forever.
The first time my best friend kissed me was awkward to say the least. It was a warm summer night a few weeks before the finals of our freshmen year in high school. I was very good in school, a straight A student who skipped third and seventh grade. So I was two years younger than everyone in my grade, but I was used to that. I met my best friend on our first day in high school and we hit it off right away. He was my only friend in school, but he was everything I needed.
We sat on the roof of my childhood home that night. It was nothing out of the ordinary, we did that every friday night when we had our weekly movie night. We climbed the ladder next to my window and sat on the roof, quietly stargazing. My best friend liked to point out star constellations to me. He didn’t have a clue about star constellations, he just made them up on the spot to make me laugh.
He was oddly quiet that summer night, but I didn’t pester him about it. I knew he would talk to me if he wanted to. Until then, I just sat with him in comfortable silence, arms and thighs touching, like always.
„Hey, Jess?“, he suddenly broke the silence.
„Yeah?“
„Look at me.“, he said softly.
„Are you okay?“, I asked as I locked eyes with him. He seemed to be nervous.
„Yeah, I just...nevermind.“, he sighed, slumping his shoulders a bit.
„You know you can talk to me, right? About anything.“
„Yeah, I know. It’s just...“, he paused, taking a deep breath.
„Please don’t hate me for this.“, he said quietly.
„Why the fuck would I-“
„Shut up, Jess.“, he cut me off, smiling softly. I smiled back, watching his gaze flick to my lips and back to my eyes a few times. He took another deep breath and gently tipped my chin up with his thumb and forefinger, softly placing his lips on mine. This had taken him a lot of courage. Patrick Martin Stumph wasn’t considered very outgoing, he was the shy boy from next door. At least, if you didn’t know him like I knew him.
I was shocked at first, but instantly relaxed into the kiss, it was just so damn comforting. He moved the hand he used to tip my chin up and gently stroked a piece of my auburn hair that fell from my messy bun back behind my ear, then cupped my cheek so he could deepen the kiss. I opened up to him the second I felt his tongue lightly graze my bottom lip. It was messy and awkward at first, you could tell it was the first kiss for the both of us, but we got a hang of it pretty fast.
I was first to break away from him, needing air. We locked eyes and he placed his forehead on mine, softly stroking my cheek. Neither of us said a word for fear of breaking the moment.
„What was that for?“, I eventually whispered.
„I-i don’t know. I just had the urge to kiss you.“
„Okay.“
„Okay?“
„I kissed back, didn’t I?“
„Yeah...“
„Don’t worry, Patrick, I liked it....I think.“
„Good.“
„Good.“
The second time my best friend kissed me was not as awkward as the first. It was a few weeks after that night on my roof as I was nervously rambling on about an oncoming exam. He just grabbed me and kissed me in the middle of the school corridor. I think he mostly did it to shut me up, but it distracted and comforted me enough to not think about my exams for the rest of the day.
„Better?“, he asked after we detached ourselves from each other.
„Better.“, I said.
„You know you’re going to pass your exams with ease, right?“
„I suppose. Thank you, ‘Trick.“
„That’s what I’m here for.“, he smiled.
The third time my best friend kissed me, it resulted in me almost lossing him if I hadn't had gotten my shit together. We never talked about the kisses we shared before. It was like a silent understanding that we both enjoyed what happened, but neither of us wanted to risk our friendship by taking our relationship further. That’s what I thought at least.
We had another one of our friday night sleepovers, watching Ghostbusters and cuddling on my bed, my head lying on Patrick’s shoulder with his arm wrapped around me, absentmindedly tracing patterns on my back.
„You know Jess, you are the only person I know who can mouth the dialogue of this movie almost as precisely as I can.“, Patrick said, disturbing the comfortable silence surrounding us.
„I know that, ‘Trick. That’s one of the many perks that comes with your friendship. You kind of don’t get around unconsciously memorizing that movie. I mean, how many times did we watch it already?“
„I don’t know, I lost count, Jessica.“
„Stop that.“
„What, Jessica?“, he teased, purposely using my full name, even though he knew I hated that.
„Patrick.“, I said in a low warning tone.
„Jessica.“, he grinned.
„Patrick.“
„You know that’s actually pretty hot.“, he said out of the blue, a mischievous smirk grazing his lips. Where was that confidence coming from?
„W-what?“, I asked, confused. „When you talk that low, with that warning tone. Your voice is pretty hot then.“
„Is it, now?“, I smirked.
„Yeah, like some sex hotline worker or something.“
„I think you’re being pretty rude right now, Patrick.“, I said, dropping my voice low again.
„I think I have best friend privileges.“, Patrick chuckled.
„Best friend privileges, huh? Maybe I should make you pay for talking to me from now on.“, I teased.
„You wouldn’t dare.“
„Oh, but I would.“
„You wouldn’t.“, Patrick stated, suddenly flipping us over so he was hovering above me, supporting his weight with his arms on either side of my shoulders.
„But I would.“, I whispered.
„You wouldn’t“, Patrick whispered.
And then his lips where on mine, his tongue instantly asking for entrance which I granted him. My hands slid around his neck and into his hair, tugging at the roots and knocking his trucker hat off in the process. He groaned, the vibrations sending shivers down my spine. Patrick’s hand slid down the side of my body and under my shirt, stroking the bare skin of my waist while he attached his lips to my neck, kissing and sucking his way downward. I knew he would leave marks if I didn’t stop him, but I didn’t give a flying fuck in the heat of the moment.
I let out a low moan when he found my sweet spot and I felt him smirk against my skin. How could something so wrong feel so right? I tugged him back up by his hair and attached my lips to his again, gently taking control of the kiss. I lightly pushed at his chest and he took the hint, sitting up and taking me with him so I was straddling his hips. Now it was my turn to attack his jaw and neck with kisses and nips. I slowly started rotating my hips into his and felt him straining against the denim of his jeans. His lips fell open and he moaned when I lightly sucked at his pulse point. The sounds he made where heavenly.
„Wait!“, he suddenly exclaimed, making me stop and look up at him. „What are we doing?“, he asked, a serious look on his face.
„I-i don’t know.“, I answered, not sure what he wanted me to say. „I thought we were having fun?“, I said, but it came out more like a question.
„Fun.“, he repeated, the look on his face taking over a hint of bitterness.
„I don’t understand, what are you trying to say, Patrick?“
„You know what, Jess, I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea. I lost myself in the moment, I’m sorry.“, he rambled, lifting me from his lap and detaching himself completely from me before standing up and grabbing his bag.
„Patrick, what are you doing? I don’t understand, did I do something wrong?“
„No, Jess. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was my fault to think this, whatever this is, was more than just fun. I should’ve known. This is not how best friends treat each other. I shouldn’t even have kissed you in the first place.“, he said, turning to leave.
„Wait! ‘Trick, are you saying you like me? Like as more than a friend?“
„Are you really that blind? I’ve liked you from the moment I literally ran into you and knocked you on your cute little ass on our first day in high school!“, he exclaimed. I was struck speechless, for the first time in my life I didn’t know what to say.
„Really, Jess? You’ve got nothing to say?“, he asked, a deep frown forming on his face. My mouth opened and closed a few times, but no sounds where coming out.
„Nevermind, I should have known. I’ll leave you alone in school from now on.“, he quietly said and turned to leave once again.
„Wait!“, I called out, finding my voice again.
„What do you want, Jessica?!“, he snapped, the hurt evident in his expression.
„I-i don’t know.“, I said, barely above a whisper.
„You know what, Jess, decide what you want first and then come talk to me. Until then, please leave me alone.“, he said with finality and turned around, leaving me dumbfounded sitting on my bed.
I cried myself to sleep that night. And every following night, too. He didn’t talk to me for the last few weeks of school. I tried apologizing, but he just cut me off and told me not to talk to him unless I had decided what I wanted. I never felt so alone in my life before. I was miserable. And that’s how I really got to think about my decisions for the first time in my short life. I knew I needed Patrick in my life and I had to make things right with him. And in order to do that I hada decision to make. Actually, I relaized there was nothing to decide. I knew what I wanted from the very beginning, I was just too scared to admit it. But now I had to or I would loose Patrick for good.
I texted him to meet me at the school, on the roof of the school to be exact. He didn’t answer, but I hoped he would come, he just had to. So I sat in the middle of flowers and plants, property of the schools gardening club, waiting. I waited almost an hour without anyone showing up, but I had nothing else to do, so I stayed.
„So, Jessica, why did you want to meet me here?“, I suddenly heard the more than familiar voice of my best friend behind me, making me jump.
„I didn’t think you would show up.“, I said quietly, wiping away the tears I didn’t realize I’ve been shedding until then.
„I didn’t plan on it, but I decided to give you a chance.“
„Patrick, I’m so sorry. I’m-“
„Jess, I don’t want to hear your apologies. If you-“, he cut me off.
„Hear me out, will you?!“, I snapped, eventually turning around and facing him. He nodded for me to go on, but stood silent.
„I’m sorry for hurting you and for not realizing sooner that I knew what I wanted since we met. I’m madly in love with you, Patrick Stumph! And I’m an idiot-“ I didn’t even get the chance to get out the whole speech I had prepared before Patrick had closed the gap between us, cupped my face with his hands and placed his lips on mine in a passionate kiss.
„I love you, Jessica and I don’t care if it’s too soon to say that. It’s how I feel.“, he breathed when we broke apart for air.
„I love you, too, Patrick.“, I said softly before kissing him again.
Patrick and I started dating from that day on. We grew even closer than we were before. He was my rock. For example, he helped me to finally get over my mother’s death. She died from cancer when I was eight. Of course I will never stop missing her, but now I’m actually able to talk about her without breaking down in tears.
Patrick met my brother’s friend Joe in a bookstore when we where out one day in 2001 and they talked about music and eventually started planning on playing in a band together. My brother Pete, who is 7 years older than me, didn’t know about my boyfriend until they had their first band meeting at Patrick’s and I was there, too. Surprise! I didn’t tell him sooner, because Pete can be very overprotective of me and I didn’t want him to threaten Patrick or scare him off. He was confused and a bit disappointed at first, but he quickly took a liking to Patrick.
For clarification, Pete didn’t live at home anymore at that time. He had his own apartment in the city, because he and Dad didn’t get along that well since mom died. Their relationship was getting better again since the seperation. Dad welcomed Patrick into the family pretty quickly, too. He already had accepted him as my best friend before we were a couple, so it was just a small step for him.
In 2001, after the school dance at the end of our sophomore year, we slept over at Patrick’s, because his parents where out of town for a few days. That’s when we had our first time together. I was fifteen and he was seventeen then. It was pretty awkward, but we learned how to treat each other in bed pretty fast. Patrick was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first sex, my first everything. I think the fact that I was his firsts, too, did make our bond even stronger.
We finished high school together and I started studying for my degree in dramatic arts at the University of Chicago. I wanted to work on muscial theatre, maybe even on Broadway. While I went to college, Patrick concentrated on his music. They made it in the music business and the band got pretty big. In 2007, shortly after I graduated from college, Patrick asked me to move to L.A. with him and after a long time of contemplating, I eventually gave up my dream of working on Broadway for him and we moved into a small, but nice apartment in L.A., living together for the first time.
I was looking forward to start a new life with Patrick at first, but I realized pretty quickly that this life didn’t make me happy. I worked at a little music store to occupy myself with something while Patrick was working or touring. He had been telling me that I didn’t have to work and he could provide for the both of us, but I refused to have to be depending on him like that. I really tried for Patrick, because I loved him so much, but then I started getting depressed again when I was alone in the apartment which I was quite often, because Patrick was busy with his music. He didn’t even notice how unhappy I was, but I didn’t blame him. He was living his dream and I was just holding him back. My insecurities got the best of me once again and I had easily talked myself into having to set him free so he could live the life he deserved. I talked myself into being selfish for keeping him by my side. And so I made the biggest mistake of my life...