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It’s dark, darker than midnight. No stars, no moon, no guiding light.
In the darkness stands a child, small hands rubbing at crying eyes.
“Scared,” The child sobs. “I’m scared!”
“You have no reason to be scared, little one,” A voice says. A soft voice, that comes from all directions and caresses like a soft breeze. It’s gentle. It’s terrifying.
In the darkness, like a pinprick in a blanket, a white light shines.
“Where’s my brother? I want to see my brother!” The child kneels down, cries harder.
“Your brother is not here.”
“Why? Why?” The child chants. “Where is my brother?”
“Your brother prayed for your soul to be saved. Not his own.”
The light grows. The child cries harder.
“No! No!”
The light begins to envelop the child. He struggles, but has nothing to fight against and nowhere to go.
“I want to see my brother!”
The darkness is gone and the light is blinding.
“He is gone. And you are here.”
--
Dimming sunlight is spilling over the grass, painting the world in vivid colors, tinging everything red. There’s a heaviness in the air; it just stormed a few nights ago and moisture is still hanging around like an unwelcome guest. Kurogane has his cloak draped over one arm, too warm to keep it on in the summer evening. He senses the shift before he hears the green leaves above him rustle.
“You, again?”
“Come now, Kuro-sama. That’s not a way to treat a friend,” Fai says cheerily, landing silently beside Kurogane. Fai likes calling Kurogane by his made-up nicknames, he has since they first met. Kurogane isn’t sure what possessed the man to come up with his bastardizations, but he has given up on trying to get him to say his name properly.
“A friend. Right,” Kurogane says, snorting.
Fai wipes away a fake tear. “I’m hurt, Kuro-sama. And after I saved you from that demon so long ago! I never even asked to be repaid!”
“You didn’t—!“ Kurogane starts, turning on Fai to glare down at him. Two years later and the story still manages to rile him up. “I’ve told you, I had it handled!”
“But you could have died,” Fai exclaims. “Then I’d never see you again!”
“Hmph. A god? Not being able to see dead people?” Kurogane asks dryly.
Fai keeps grinning like the whole thing is a huge joke, but that smile looks cracked along the edges like thin ice. Kurogane notices, but doesn’t say anything. He never does. Instead, he lets Fai laugh and poke him in the arm. “Then what about all the wine I bring you?” Fai asks cheekily.
“That’s…” Kurogane trails off, glancing up in thought before shutting his eyes and shrugging. “If that’s what constitutes friendship, then I guess we’re friends,” He admits.
“Aha!” Fai yells in triumph. “I knew I could get you to admit it eventually.”
Kurogane sends Fai a sidelong glance and then continues his walk through the forest. Fai falls into step beside him like it’s natural, like it’s what he’s meant to do. Kurogane knows it isn’t, not really. Surely Fai has much more important things to do, lives to save or worlds to build or whatever it is he does. Wine to drink? Kurogane isn’t entirely sure.
For some reason, though, Fai enjoys bothering Kurogane. He has since that day two years ago, when he appeared seemingly out of nowhere and sent blue waves of energy at an enormous demon that had clawed into Kurogane’s side. Since the day he had tended to Kurogane’s wounds with deft fingers and a worried pinch between his brows. Kurogane never knew what drew Fai out to him, what motivated Fai to help him, but he was grateful. He very well may have died, had Fai not intervened.
Since then, Fai would pop in and out of Kurogane’s life as he pleased. At first, he appeared only twice in the span of half a year, just to check and make sure Kurogane was healing properly. As time went on, his visits grew more and more frequent, sometimes lasting hours and sometimes even days. Then he would disappear, and Kurogane would never know when he could expect to see him again. He’s been showing up even more frequently recently. Kurogane has grown to enjoy the company, especially when it means he will have someone to drink with.
The sun is dipping lower. Fai blinks and looks over at Kurogane. His brows pull together, raise a bit in question as he smiles at Kurogane’s lingering gaze. “Kuro-sama? Is something wrong?” He asks. He feels naked under Kurogane’s eyes, red like blood, tinged orange from the setting sun. Always able to see through everything—or at least that’s how it feels.
Kurogane shakes his head and finally looks away. “Your hair is longer.”
Fai blinks and runs his hands through the ends of his hair. “So it is.”
“You’re going to be lost under it soon,” Kurogane says, his voice a low rumble.
Fai laughs, a real laugh this time, and the corners of Kurogane’s lips twitch up a bit at the sound. Fai has a nice laugh when he’s not faking it. “And here I thought Kuro-sama had no sense of humor,” Fai teases, bumping Kurogane’s arm with his own. “Where are you off to?”
“Finding some herbs,” Kurogane says. “A little girl in town is sick. They think it might help her.”
Fai quiets, his smile gone now. He stares ahead, his lips pulling down in a frown, his eyes heavy. Kurogane wonders if Fai is aware of just how expressive his eyes are. Probably not, or else he’d never let Kurogane see them.
“You can’t help her, can you?” Kurogane asks, and Fai looks up at him.
“You know I can’t,” Fai says, turning away.
“You’re a god, aren’t you?” Kurogane asks bitterly. He had not believed it when Fai had told him—he still has a hard time believing it now. He has come to believe it in their time together, even if he cannot understand it, but he can’t help but wonder, deep down, if it’s as much as a lie as those false smiles Fai gives.
Fai takes a deep breath, then smiles, waves his hand nonchalantly, like they’re not talking about a sick and dying child. “It’s out of my control! I’m not in the position to change her fate, it simply is not up to me. Maybe you’ll find something to help her! I’ll help you look.”
Kurogane clicks his tongue and shakes his head. He should have known better, by now. He still hopes that one day his questions will be answered. That one day, Fai won’t try so desperately to hide.
Kurogane doesn’t know what Fai is hiding, exactly. He can see, deep below it all, that Fai is a good person. God. Whatever he is. He’s caring and kind, funny, smart. He is so much more than a handful of jokes and teases and a catty smile.
Kurogane shakes his head. He doesn’t know why he’s thinking of this anyway.
He looks over at Fai. The sun is just about to disappear, its last rays reflecting off of Fai’s skin. He’s glowing, his eyes reflecting the light like the ocean on a clear day. He isn’t smiling anymore. Kurogane doesn’t want Fai to be upset, but… He thinks that Fai looks better this way. Realer.
Kurogane looks away. Focuses on the girl and how he can help her. Fai just follows as he always does.
--
Fai is tucked under a tree, shadows cast over his face. Kurogane sees him, then walks past. Fai falls into step as usual.
“She’s going to die,” Fai says.
Kurogane’s hands curl into fists, his jaw clenches, and he wants to punch a hole in the tree Fai was just standing against. He knows she’s going to die. He knows. And there’s nothing he can do.
“I’m sorry,” Fai says.
Kurogane stops and Fai does too. Kurogane doesn’t look at Fai. Just stares ahead. Always ahead. Never back.
“Is there anything?” Kurogane asks, and he feels pathetic with the way his voice is trembling but he needs to ask. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s happy and kind. She made Kurogane stay in this town for an entire year with her sweet smile. “She’s a good kid.”
Fai is silent for a long moment. “Her parents can pray,” He says, his voice low, quiet. “You can pray, too. To save her soul.”
Kurogane swallows. “Will it really do anything?”
“There’s no guarantee,” Fai says. At that, Kurogane finally looks at him. Fai is not meeting his gaze. “But it could help ease their hearts to try, at least.”
Kurogane scoffs. “No help as usual,” He snaps, angry. He doesn’t miss the way Fai flinches, and he curses at himself. It isn’t Fai’s fault. “That’s not… I didn’t—“
“No,” Fai says, shaking his head. “You’re right. I am no help.” A bitter smile. “No help. As usual.”
Kurogane narrows his eyes. “Fai…” He starts, but Fai has wiped the look away. Another fake smile.
“Should we drink wine tonight?” He asks, and more for Kurogane’s sake than his own. Kurogane could use a good drink and a friend by his side.
Kurogane considers, then nods. He frowns and looks away, but Fai grins and leads him away. The two continue walking, away from the girl that’s dying. Kurogane’s heart twists.
Fai’s heart feels like ice, slowly melting away.
--
Fai sits in the darkness of the night. There is no moon. Yue is off somewhere, enjoying his break. Fai isn’t really sure what Yue does when he’s not illuminating the night, and he doesn’t really care, either. He just sits in the dark gardens, where he can see the stars and smell the roses.
Fai is cold. It’s supposed to be paradise here. Perfect, anything anyone could ever want. And Fai is cold, just like he was before, just like he has always been. He shuts his eyes.
It’s been a little while since he’s seen Kurogane. Kurogane is warm. Maybe he’ll visit again soon.
“Fai,” A familiar voice says.
Fai opens his eyes and finds Ashura standing in front of him, frowning. Fai pastes a smile onto his face. “Ashura,” He says. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“I saw you sitting alone,” Ashura says. He doesn’t sit beside Fai, just stands over him. “What are you doing out here?”
“Enjoying the peace and quiet,” Fai says.
Ashura hums. “Shouldn’t you be off throwing a party somewhere? Drowning yourself in wine?”
Fai looks away. Is that what he should be doing? He wonders. “It’s not like I need to do that all the time,” He murmurs like a child being scolded.
“No,” Ashura says, shaking his head. “But you do seem to do it on the Earth quite often.”
Fai raises a brow and turns back to Ashura, smiles. “What? What parties am I throwing on the Earth? They’d be very boring.”
“Not parties,” Ashura says. “Just drinking. With just one person. It isn’t much like you, Fai.”
Fai looks down. He desperately wants to be with Kurogane right now. To drink sweet wine with him and look up at the stars and forget all about this. To be warm. Not to be stuck here, entertaining those around him. God of Pleasure. An empty title, given to make up for a lifetime of misery. He hates it.
“Fai.”
Fai blinks and looks up, forces another smile on his face. “Should I have a party soon?” He asks, standing. “I’m sure it would make everyone happy.”
He laughs and begins to walk past Ashura. He wants out of this conversation. He feels bad. He knows that Ashura only has his best interests at heart, but…
“Fai,” Ashura says in that tone. Fai stops immediately. “You should be careful. I know why you’ve spent so much time on the Earth before. Now, I worry for you. Focus on the goal you had before, not this new conquest.”
Fai swallows thickly. Conquest? Does he mean Kurogane?
“I know, Ashura,” He says. “I’m… Only having fun.”
Ashura pats Fai on the shoulder. “As you should,” He says, walking away.
Fai stays rooted in his spot.
He’s still cold.
--
Kurogane is in a different place when Fai visits him. He’s sitting outside, leaning against a tree in an area where the leaves are separated enough for him to see the stars. A fire blazes in front of him, keeping away the chill. Summer is bleeding into autumn, and it affects the night first.
“How long are you going to stand there?” Kurogane asks, not looking away.
“You’re the only one that can ever sense me, Kuro-sama,” Fai says as he steps from the line of trees, his hands behind his back.
“Not like it’s hard,” Kurogane says, and it makes Fai laugh simply because it is hard. Kurogane is not an ordinary human though, not from his stature, his blood eyes, his keen observation skills. Fai thinks that he has dragon’s blood in his veins, powerful although diluted by generations. “Come to bother me again?” Kurogane asks when Fai doesn’t say anything.
“I have a gift,” Fai says, revealing his hands. In each, he holds a bottle of wine, and Kurogane grins.
“About time,” He says, reaching up to take a bottle from Fai. “Your wine is better than anything I can find here.”
“Of course it is,” Fai says, plopping on the ground next to Kurogane. He’s close enough that their shoulders are pressed together. His thigh is a line of heat where it’s pressed against Kurogane’s.
They sit in silence and drink. It’s comfortable. Kurogane likes it like this, when Fai is there and not chatting endlessly, and he finds that he’s missed it. He frowns at the thought. Since when did he come to look forward to Fai’s company like this? He takes a gulp.
He looks over at Fai, who is looking up at the sky.
“When you told me who you were, I didn’t think this would be something you enjoy,” Kurogane says, and Fai blinks, then looks at him, raising a brow. Kurogane shrugs. “I just mean... You said you’re the god of… wine?”
“Pleasure,” Fai corrects. “Although wine is heavily involved.”
Kurogane nods, then looks at the fire. “Just figured you’d enjoy wild parties more than sitting in the woods, drinking with me.”
Fai thinks of Ashura, of what everyone expects from him. He smiles and looks back up at the sky. “I like it here more,” He says. “I like the quiet.”
“Doesn’t seem like you like your job very much then,” Kurogane says. It’s meant to be a joke, but Fai’s eyes suddenly soften, his brows turn down, his lips pull into a frown. Kurogane’s hit a sensitive spot.
“No,” Fai says, very quietly. “Not much.”
There’s a shift in the air, a tenseness between them that hasn’t appeared before. Kurogane wants to wade through it until it’s not separating them anymore. He’s afraid of disturbing this moment though, afraid that Fai will retreat again when Kurogane has just chipped away at some of his shell.
“What would you want then?” Kurogane asks, his voice just as low.
Fai’s brows raise a bit as he thinks, but his eyes keep that same melancholic look. “Me?” He asks, mostly to himself. Then he smiles, but it isn’t a happy thing. “Just love.”
Kurogane’s brow raises at the answer, at the softness of Fai’s voice as he says the word. “Love?” Kurogane asks.
Fai nods. His voice is tender. “I just wanted love. And for someone to just… take me away.”
The implication leaves a sour taste in Kurogane’s mouth. He swallows and opens his mouth to respond.
Fai suddenly tilts his head back and laughs, lifting his bottle. “I must have grabbed the strong stuff!” He says cheerfully. The moment is over. “Next thing you know, I’ll be climbing in a tree and meowing like a cat!”
Kurogane huffs and looks forward. “You do that even when you’re not drinking,” He murmurs lowly. He thinks of Fai’s words, of that look in his eyes. Why would Fai wait for someone to take him away, rather than leave himself? And what did he want to be taken from? Where did he want to go?
Fai laughs at the response, interrupting Kurogane’s thoughts, and takes another drink. “Should I bark like a dog then?”
“You should shut up already,” Kurogane says, takes two large gulps. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “You gonna stick around for a while?”
Fai shrugs. “If Kuro-sama doesn’t mind terribly. I’m rather bored.”
Kurogane nods, but doesn’t respond. Fai smiles, then looks back up at the sky.
--
Fai has been around for two weeks. Kurogane won’t admit it, but he enjoys the company. There aren’t many people Kurogane enjoys being around after so many years of solitude, but Fai is different. They’ve made it to a new town, to an inn that will accept some manual labor in exchange for a room.
“That’s all on him!” Fai had said cheerfully while patting Kurogane on the back. Kurogane just grumbled.
They’re in that room, the room that has two beds that are too small for the both of them but that work just fine regardless. Fai’s cheeks are pink from three bottles of wine. Kurogane feels warm and content. It’s a good night.
Fai wraps Kurogane’s cloak around himself, huffing from the weight. “This is so heavy! No wonder Kuro-sama is always needing saving from demons. How can he fight in this?” Fai teases, lifting his arms to look at the cloak.
“Shut up,” Kurogane says halfheartedly, tossing one of his boots in Fai’s direction. “I fight just fine. You just don’t like to mind your own business.”
Fai laughs and pulls the collar of Kurogane’s cloak up, hiding half of his face. It’s dragging on the ground around Fai’s feet, swallowing him whole. “Yes, yes, Kuro-sama is a very strong warrior,” Fai concedes, and Kurogane can see the movement of Fai waving his hand under the cloak.
Kurogane snorts and shakes his head, a smile teasing at his lips. At the sight, Fai smiles as well and undrapes the cloak from around his shoulders, throwing it over a chair. He collapses into it with a content sigh, his eyes shutting. Kurogane knows that Fai isn’t drunk, but after so much wine, his limbs are loose and he looks relaxed, sleepy. He just blinks slowly, lounges in the other chair, on the other side of the tiny table in their room.
Fai’s hair is a bit of a mess. It’s grown even more—Kurogane suggested he start tying it back if he doesn’t cut it. He’s changed out of his ridiculous clothes, which are all light fabrics draped over his skinny body, and into a set of clothes that help him stand out a little less. Like this, in the dim light of the oil lamp, under the haze of wine, cheeks and nose bridge dusted pink, he looks more human. Less like the ethereal being Kurogane knows him to be.
“You…” Kurogane starts without thinking.
Fai blinks his eyes open, and Kurogane swallows. Maybe he’s wrong, for no human could have eyes quite like that.
Kurogane clears his throat. “Shouldn’t you… Be getting back? To wherever it is you come from?” Kurogane asks. “You probably have things to do. And you must be getting tired of it here.”
Fai raises a brow, then frowns and looks away pointedly. “No,” He says. “I hate it there.”
Kurogane frowns. The bitterness in Fai’s voice is like a razor. “Isn’t it your…” Kurogane pauses. “Your home?”
Fai narrows his eyes. “No home of mine,” He replies. “Just the place where I reside.”
Kurogane thinks of bright blue skies, the sound of a nearby river, the smell of lilies. His home is gone now, gone forever, to live only in his memories. He’d give anything to return there. He can’t understand Fai’s sentiments.
“What are you thinking of, Kuro-sama?” Fai asks in the quiet.
“Suwa,” Kurogane says. “Where I grew up.”
Fai nods, but doesn’t press it any further. He swallows, and Kurogane can see that look in his eyes. He’s pulling away, retreating behind his mask. His frown deepens, and he suddenly looks very sad. Very lonely. “Maybe I should go back…” Then smiles. “I don’t want to continue to bother Kuro-sama.” There’s something else behind his words. Something hidden, like a fear or vulnerability. The fear that Kurogane does not want him there.
Kurogane doesn’t take the bait. “Stay as long as you like,” He says, and Fai’s smile slips away, his eyes wide. “Not like I care.”
Fai blinks twice, then chuckles and looks back out the window. “You’re funny, Kuro-sama,” He says.
Kurogane thinks over those words, because he hasn’t said anything funny. He hasn’t made any jokes. Hasn’t teased. Maybe Fai just isn’t used to it.
--
Kurogane sits alone in his room. Fai left two nights before, just vanished like he had never been there. He left his borrowed clothes behind though, a reminder that he isn’t just part of Kurogane’s imagination. The innkeeper asked about him, too. He makes an impression that few can forget.
Now though, Kurogane sits with a bottle of wine in his hand, alone. He’s halfway through when he sighs and closes it, sets it on the dresser to finish at another time. He cups his hand behind the flame of the oil lamp, blows at it, plunges the room into darkness. He doesn’t get quite the same satisfaction drinking alone anymore, so he will just sleep instead.
When he sleeps, he dreams of catching fish in the river, cold water lapping at his feet. He hears his father’s laugh, his mother’s kind voice. He turns, catches sight of blond hair disappearing behind a tree like the wind itself. He follows, sees eyes like the sky, beckoning him forward. Like a man spellbound, he can do little to resist.
The world is shifted. He’s in a dark room, pale moonlight spilling through the open door. It’s like the rooms in Suwa, with paper doors and futons on the floor. That’s where he lays, the blankets a wrinkled mess under him. And there’s a heat between his legs, soft lips against the inside of his thigh, right against a scar.
Those eyes are there again, all Kurogane can focus on before they close. There’s heat, pressure, pleasure, god, good, so good—
Kurogane wakes with a gasp. It’s still dark out.
Perhaps sleeping wasn’t the better alternative, after all.
--
Fai is sitting on the edge of the river Kurogane is approaching, waiting, the hem of his garments pulled up so his feet can sit in the cool water. His legs are pale, thin, but strong with lean muscle. He turns to look over his shoulder and smiles lazily at Kurogane. His hair is pulled back now, held with a red ribbon.
“It’s been a while since you showed up,” Kurogane says. He thinks of that dream, remembers the heat of those lips and the fire in those eyes. He buries it down, deep down.
“I had other matters to attend to,” Fai says. “But I couldn’t stay away from you for long.”
Kurogane snorts. There’s a smile there, dancing on his lips, and something swells in Fai’s chest. The same thing that swells every time he sees Kurogane smile. As usual, Fai pushes it back, shrinks it until it’s nothing. He can’t afford to feel anything more than mild enjoyment, after all. Kurogane is just entertainment, someone to help feed Fai’s boredom. That’s what he tells himself, anyway, as well as Ashura when he voices his concerns.
Kurogane shrugs off his cloak, puts his sword on top of it, chucks off his boots. He rolls his pant legs up and steps into the river, keeping an eye out for any fish that may pass. He catches one in his hands, and Fai whistles and sends over a compliment.
“I have a question,” Kurogane asks, because he’s learned that warning Fai sometimes warrants better results.
“I may have an answer,” Fai asks, splashing his feet so the fish Kurogane was watching flits away.
Kurogane glares at him, then goes back to find another fish. “Are you immortal or something?” He asks. “Your hair is growing but you haven’t changed much.”
Fai smiles and shrugs. “Not quite, no. But gods do live for a very long time, longer than you can probably comprehend.”
“So… You can die,” Kurogane says, glancing over at Fai.
Fai nods. “Yes, just like all living things. Gods grow, age, die, just like you. Then they get replaced by some other soul.”
“Is there… Any other way to kill you?” Kurogane asks. He feels strange for asking.
Fai smiles, amused. “Why? Are you worried, or are you trying to find a way to murder me and get me out of your hair for good?”
“Don’t be an idiot,” Kurogane grunts as he snags another fish. “I’m just curious.”
Fai hums, nodding. “Kuro-sama is very curious by nature,” He says. “But if you must know, yes. Gods can kill other gods. It doesn’t happen though.”
“Why not?” Kurogane asks, raising a brow as the fish wiggles in his hand. It slips out of his grasp and he curses as it flops back into the water and swims away for its life.
“Well… It isn’t very good for humans to kill other humans, right?” Fai asks, raising a brow. “There’s great punishment for a god that kills another god. Or so I’ve heard, I’ve never witnessed it myself.”
Kurogane shrugs, dropping the subject. Fai is mostly silent as Kurogane catches a few more fish, only speaking to throw out some teasing catcalls. He watches from the edge of the water as Kurogane takes out a small knife, guts and debones the fish like a professional, then sets to make a small fire.
“Camping again?” Fai asks as Kurogane begins to cook his catches.
“Didn’t like the town very much,” Kurogane responds as he continues his tasks. “Like to keep moving.”
“You stayed in that other town for quite a while,” Fai responds, tilting his head to rest on his shoulder.
Kurogane swallows, nods, thinks of a little girl that’s been dead for a while now. “I had a good reason to stay there. It’s gone now, so I moved on.”
Fai seems to know exactly what Kurogane is talking about, judging from the way he looks away and doesn’t respond. He looks almost guilty when Kurogane looks over at him, as if the illness had been his fault. Kurogane turns back to his fish. He doesn't understand half of Fai's expressions.
“You said,” He starts, and Fai shuts his eyes. He knows an interrogation is coming. He should really stop visiting Kurogane. He knows it will happen every time.
For some reason though, he continues to come back.
He thinks of that smile and those eyes. He knows exactly why he comes back.
“You said that there would be “no guarantee” if they prayed for her,” Kurogane continues. “What does that mean?”
Fai looks away, hides his face from Kurogane’s intense gaze that can see straight through him. “Just that the gods don’t answer every prayer,” Fai answers.
Kurogane is forced into silence. It’s true. If it weren’t, his home would not have been destroyed, his mother not killed by her own illness, his father not murdered by demons. If it weren’t, he would be living a very different life.
“What happens then?” Kurogane asks. “When we die?”
Fai’s entire body grows tense. Kurogane can’t hear him swallow over the sound of the river, but he can see his throat bob. Fai feels his hands shake. He clenches them into fists to try and stop them, then stands and steps out of the water. He sits on a rock on the other side of the fire and stares into it, like he can see something in the flames, but he does not answer. Kurogane opens his mouth to say something else, but it feels like a layer of ice has come between him and Fai. He can see Fai, but the wall is up. Cold, thick, keeping any of Kurogane’s prying questions far away. Kurogane sighs and takes a fish off the fire.
“Sorry,” He says lowly. “If it brings up any… bad memories, or something.”
Fai blinks and lowers his gaze to the dirt. They don’t say much for the rest of the night.
Fai still stays, though.
--
Fai sits in the grass with his knees pulled to his chest. His back is against a tree, the stars blocked by leaves. He sits with his jaw clenched, his fingers digging into his legs.
Freezing. Like he’s sitting in a block of ice.
Ashura won’t come to worry for him. Ashura isn’t here. Fai isn’t “home,” or whatever it is he should call that place. Heaven? Maybe, but it’s no paradise to him.
“Are you okay?”
Kurogane’s voice cuts through the dark. Fai shuts his eyes. How, even now, can Kurogane always know when something is wrong?
Fai smells snow, sees an icy lake below him, feels a tiny hand grip tightly onto his.
“Cold,” He says, because he’s too tired to try and lie or come up with something else.
Before Fai realizes Kurogane has moved, he’s sitting in the spot next to Fai, his arm and half of his cloak draping over Fai’s shoulders. Fai looks over at Kurogane in surprise, but Kurogane has his eyes closed.
“Kuro-sama, what—?”
“Shut up before I change my mind,” Kurogane interrupts.
Fai frowns and looks away. Looks at the cloak covering him, heavy and comforting around him. It’s so… Nice, but… “You don’t have to,” He says quietly into the night.
“I said shup up, didn’t I?” Kurogane asks.
Kurogane’s knuckles bump against Fai’s temple, and Fai can’t help but smile. He shuts his eyes, basks in the warmth, better than the sunlight on a warm summer day.
Fai doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until he wakes. It’s been so long since he’s slept—he doesn’t need to sleep, after all. It’s so nice though, the feeling of heaviness, the fog over his mind as he stirs, the sounds of birds beginning to wake up, too.
As his thoughts clear, Fai realizes that his head is tucked against Kurogane’s shoulder. Kurogane is asleep as well, deeply asleep, which is not common for him. His cheek is resting against the top of Fai’s head and if Fai listens carefully enough, he can hear the faint sound of Kurogane snoring. His breathing is deep and steady, a comforting movement against Fai’s side.
Then he notices the fingers that linger in the ends of his hair that has fallen over his shoulders, some locks curled around them and into Kurogane’s palm. Had Kurogane been…? Fai’s heart leaps and he swallows, his throat tight with something he cannot explain.
He wants to sit here in this spot forever. So, he shuts his eyes and tries to enjoy it for as long as he can. And when Kurogane wakes up, Fai will not tease him for cuddling close or for the hand in his hair. He will hold onto that moment for a long time, long after everything has ended, will keep it locked away deep in his heart, forever.
--
In Fai’s fantasies that he tries desperately to ignore, it’s dark. The sun has already set, or the curtains are pulled. There isn’t enough light to see anything but burning red eyes, looking down at him.
When it happens and the fantasies become reality, it’s light.
A demon appears from the shadows of the trees around them, and Fai turns just as a claw swings and catches on his shoulder. He grunts and slams into a tree, hot blood oozing from the wound. It hurts, but he isn’t worried. A demon like this cannot kill him, and the wound will heal in no time.
Immediately though, Kurogane yells, swings his sword and kills the demon in one blow. Fai watches with wide eyes, blinking. He has watched Kurogane kill numerous demons, but never with so much anger, never with so much passion, not unless a town or village were in danger.
Kurogane stands in the same spot, breathing heavily, and Fai pushes himself off the tree. His arm is across his body, his hand holding onto the healing wound at his shoulder. He whistles and grins.
“Very impressive, Kuro-sama,” He says, and Kurogane turns to him, his eyes sharp.
Kurogane steps forward and pulls at Fai’s clothes. Fai drops his hand, and Kurogane yanks the fabric away from Fai’s shoulder. The blood staining his pale skin speaks of a nasty wound, but there is nothing there. Kurogane gingerly runs his hand over the spot, smearing the blood, but feeling no wound. He looks frazzled, worried, and Fai can practically feel how hard his heart must be beating.
Fai’s brows furrow together in something akin to amusement as he smiles, tilting his head. “Kuro-sama, you didn’t think—“
Before he can finish his sentence, a strong arm is wrapped around his back and warm lips are pressed to his. Fai should be shocked still for longer than he is, he thinks, but it’s so, so easy to melt into that heat. He shuts his eyes, one hand falling to Kurogane’s hip as the other lands on his chest.
Kurogane drops his sword to the ground and his other hand makes its way to Fai’s neck, tilting Fai’s head just so to deepen the kiss even further. Blood is smeared between them, but neither care. It feels so right like this, with sunlight spilling over them from between the leaves, the thick smell of moss and dirt, the tickle of grass against their ankles.
Fai thinks that this is much better than any heaven. That he could stand here and kiss Kurogane for the rest of eternity, and he would feel content.
Kurogane pulls back first, and Fai chases his lips. Fai takes a moment before opening his eyes, and Kurogane is looking down at him, his gaze soft, his lids half-closed. Fai swallows, because it’s a beautiful sight and it makes his heart pound even more than the kiss itself did.
Kurogane takes a small step back, although his hands stay on Fai’s body. “S-Sorry,” Kurogane says, voice rough. It’s endearing how flustered this confident man can become. “Didn’t… Shouldn’t have…”
“It’s okay,” Fai says, his voice as soft and floaty as he feels.
Something changes in Kurogane’s expression, so minute that anyone other than Fai probably wouldn’t have caught it. Fai does though, that light in Kurogane’s eyes at Fai’s acceptance.
Fai feels something twist in his stomach and he steps back, his hands slipping from Kurogane. “I should go,” He says.
Kurogane’s brows furrow in confusion. The moment is gone. “You don’t…”
Fai shakes his head. “I do, I’ve been gone too long, and…”
And…
He goes to walk away, but a hand curls into his clothes. The clothes that Kurogane so often would tease Fai about when they first met. It feels like so long ago now, like they have known each other for a lifetime. Fai stills and turns to look over his shoulder. Kurogane is looking at him with a steady gaze. Kurogane is always confident in what he does, it’s something Fai has known for a long time. To see that look turned on him now makes his heart leap in his chest.
“Stay,” Kurogane says. “For just a little bit longer.”
Fai blinks. Nods. Lets Kurogane pull him back in. Stays.
--
They stay together for three more weeks. Not much has changed. They still drink wine, still tease each other, jokes flowing easily between them. Still sit in front of fires and avoid heavy topics, except for few occasions when Fai cannot hold his tongue.
Only now, Fai will sit so close to Kurogane that their sides are pressed together. Kurogane will tilt his head down, nudge Fai’s nose with his own, look at him with soft eyes that still manage to burn, catch his lips and hold him there.
Fai doesn’t ever want to leave.
He has to, though. Just for a little while.
And when he does, he throws an elaborate party to entertain the other gods and to make up for his absence, pours wine and encourages mischief, then sneaks out to drink in peace in the cool night air. Ashura finds him easily. He always can. Fai was never able to hide, even when he was a small child and could squeeze into crevices. Ashura always managed to sneak up on him and tut at him with a charmed smile. Now, they are not playing games. There is no smile, no amusement. Ashura’s eyes hold worry and some anger now.
“I worry that you’re spending too much time there,” Ashura tells Fai, and Fai just frowns and looks away.
“I’ve always spent a lot of time there,” He says curtly. “It’s not different now. Besides, many gods spend time on the Earth. I’m hardly the first.”
“It is different, Fai,” Ashura argues. “What about your brother?”
Fai’s eyes widen, his chest grows tight, and he looks over at Ashura. Ashura holds his gaze, looks upon Fai with disappointment, and Fai cannot bear to look into those eyes for long. He looks down at his feet and curls his hands into fists at his sides.
“Have you given up on him?” Ashura asks.
“Of course not!” Fai cries, cutting a hand through the air. “Never!”
“Then why have you stopped looking?” Ashura presses, taking a step closer to Fai.
Fai suddenly feels exhausted. “I haven’t. I’m still looking, I just… I just…” His voice is thin and pathetic because Ashura is right. Fai hasn’t stopped looking entirely, but he has let himself be distracted with kisses and those crimson eyes. Guilt spreads to the very tips of his fingers and he shuts his eyes.
“Poor Fai,” Ashura says. He puts a hand on the top of Fai’s head, pulls him close. “You have always searched for love, even when it has been right in front of you.”
Fai tastes something bitter, but does not respond when Ashura kisses the top of his head. He only opens his eyes when Ashura walks away.
Who is he fighting so hard for, he wonders. Why is he pressing on, breathless and tired? He thinks of his brother, who has been alone for so long, who gave up everything for Fai. He thinks of Kurogane, who has given Fai more patience and understanding and kindness than Fai has ever deserved. He wraps his arms around himself.
Cold.
--
When Fai returns, he does not sneak up on Kurogane or smother him kisses. He is simply sitting on the bed in the room Kurogane is staying in when Kurogane enters. Kurogane pauses when he catches sight of him.
“You’re back,” Kurogane says. It’s been almost a month since Fai left.
Fai nods. He looks pale and troubled, exhausted like he hasn’t slept despite not actually needing to sleep. Without looking at Kurogane, he asks, “Can you tell me about your home?”
Kurogane blinks and moves to sit on the edge of the bed next to Fai. He is not dressed in his usual armor, but more casual clothes given to him by the innkeeper. “Suwa?” He asks, surprised. “Don’t you already know all about it? Don’t gods know everything?”
Fai smiles, his breath escaping in half a laugh. “I could, if I wanted to,” He says, and he finally looks over at Kurogane. “I could reach into your mind and take everything I want to know, but… I want to hear it from you.”
Kurogane scratches the back of his head and looks up at the dark wood of the ceiling. He thinks of Suwa, shuts his eyes. He wants to ask Fai what’s wrong, but if this will make Fai feel better, then he’ll indulge him. His memories are blurred at the edges, bits and pieces missing, but what was most important to him is still there.
“It was really green,” Kurogane starts, and Fai smiles. “It was a tiny province, with only a few villages in it. My father was the lord, so we lived in a big estate in the middle of it all. There was a river nearby my father would take me to, he’s the one that taught me how to fish. I sucked at it.”
Kurogane smiles fondly at the memory. He can still remember the feeling of the running water around his ankles, of the icy shock when he slipped on a rock and fell into it, the sound of his father laughing at him.
“There were a bunch of trees I liked to climb,” Kurogane continues. “And lilies, all over the place. In the spring, it always smelled like them. They were my mother’s favorite flower.”
“I’ve never smelled a lily,” Fai mumbles, off handedly, and Kurogane looks over at him.
“I wish I could show you,” Kurogane says before he can stop himself.
Fai meets Kurogane’s gaze. “I could take us there,” He whispers. At Kurogane’s raised brow and clear confusion, Fai clears his throat, smiles sheepishly. “I don’t only throw parties, you know. I can… I can look deep into your mind. Into your memories. I could make a person go mad by trapping them there. Usually though, I only do it to make people forget their inhibitions and have fun.” He looks down at his hands. “Or, like this, I can just… Pull those thoughts and memories forward. Visit them.”
Kurogane’s voice quits on him at the revelation. He knew that Fai was more than just a drinker, that there was more to him as a god than just throwing parties. Kurogane just had no idea how far that went, much further than just being able to kill a demon, it seems.
Fai looks at him expectantly, and Kurogane just nods dumbly, unable to speak. Fai shifts so that he is on his knees beside Kurogane. He puts his hands on Kurogane’s cheeks, turns his head, presses their foreheads together. Fai shuts his eyes, and Kurogane feels a buzzing in his skull. Memories are pulled forward. Beautiful memories.
When Kurogane opens his eyes, he’s standing outside the Suwa estate. It sits exactly the same as when he was a child, large and welcoming. There are birds singing nearby, the sound of the river. Bright sunshine falls on them and fluffy clouds float over them without a care. It’s like something out of a children’s book. It’s warm. It’s home.
Fai stands at Kurogane’s side and looks around with wide eyes. He takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes, smiling. “I can smell them,” He says, his voice gone soft. “I can smell the lilies. It’s beautiful.”
Kurogane looks away from the memory around him and at Fai. Just Fai. Fai, in his strange, flowing clothes, his hair, tied back with a ribbon, his sad eyes but his genuine smile. Suddenly, Kurogane sweeps Fai into his arms and kisses him hard. He pours everything into that kiss, feels something burst in his chest when Fai clings to him and kisses back.
Fai hardly notices when the memory fades around them as they kiss, only sighs into Kurogane’s mouth as they fall back into his bed. For the first time in his long life, Fai doesn’t only feel warm, he feels on fire. His body is against Kurogane’s and a flame is burning wildly in his chest, lighting him from the inside out. And when Kurogane kisses him again and again and again, the flame dims, glows softly but still burns with intensity and an unspoken promise.
When Kurogane whispers sweet words into Fai’s ear, Fai feels like the flame will never go out.
Fai could have everything, and he would still be searching for love. For this love. He’d still reach out for it and cling to it until it became part of him, forever.
He wonders if it’s the same for Kurogane. When Kurogane kisses him yet again, he knows it is.
--
Fai leaves again, after a few more weeks. It’s a common pattern, one Kurogane is used to but still dreads. He never knows how long Fai will be gone, never knows when Fai will drop in on him without warning. This time, it’s after three weeks have passed. A weight falls over Kurogane’s shoulders, a slim arm wrapping around him as a voice laughs in his ears. Kurogane turns to face him, and Fai steps back. He’s smiling, meeting Kurogane’s gaze evenly, with soft, lovely eyes.
“I have a present for you,” Fai says from where he stands over Kurogane, one hand hidden behind his back. He grins and presents a bouquet of flowers. “I found these. They’re lilies,” Fai says, looking down at the lilies in his hand, held together with a ribbon.
Kurogane looks at them for a while before he takes them from Fai, their fingers ghosting over each other. Kurogane swallows, then sniffs them. They smell just the same as they did when he was a child, as they do in his memories. A smile tugs at his lips, one that he can’t push away even if he wanted to.
Fai clears his throat. “Who knew Kuro-tan would love flowers so much?” He asks, teasing. “I should bring them more often. It even gets me a smile.”
Kurogane wants to give a rebuttal, but his heart is too full. Instead, he stands, and Fai looks up at him with wide, questioning eyes. Kurogane looks down at the flowers, memories that he can hold in his hand, and then at Fai. Fai opens his mouth to say something, probably to tease Kurogane, but he’s silenced when Kurogane reaches up to take the hair that falls over Fai’s shoulder.
Kurogane cards his fingers through Fai’s hair gently, with tender care. Then, he lifts the strands to his lips and kisses them with something akin to reverence. When he lets them slip from his fingers and looks up at Fai, he is met with wide blue eyes that shine like water reflecting the sun.
“Thank you,” Kurogane says quietly into the space between them.
Fai swallows and nods. For the rest of the evening, his fingers continue to unconsciously brush through the strands Kurogane held so softly.
--
“What is it like where you’re from?”
The question catches Fai off guard, makes him open his eyes to the darkness of their room. “Where I’m from?” Fai repeats, quietly.
“Yeah,” Kurogane says, nodding. “Wherever it is you come from. Where you run off to when you have to leave. What do you do when you leave, anyway?”
“Uh, I…” Fai trails off. “Well, I throw parties. You know that.” Fai thinks for a moment about Kurogane’s first question. It’s beautiful. A paradise to most, but… “That’s not where I’m from,” He says. “Just where I live. I told you.”
“But…” Kurogane’s voice trails off. Fai can practically hear the way Kurogane frowns and pulls his brows together in thought. Fai smiles at it. “I used to live here on the Earth,” Fai says. “Just like you.”
“So… You were human,” Kurogane inquires.
“I lived in a place called Valeria,” Fai continues, nodding against Kurogane’s chest. He can still see it clearly, an icy landscape with large, brick buildings rising from the snow.
“Valeria…” Kurogane murmurs. He had heard of the country in legend. A lost and destroyed country, one that only lives in myth now.
“Yes, I imagine it has been gone for a very long time,” Fai says with a shrug. “It was crumbling when I was a child.”
Then words stumble from Fai’s lips before he can stop them. A story that feels more like a grim fairytale than real life. But it was real. It was Fai’s life, his first life, the one he wishes to forget but never can, one he wishes to keep hidden. But it is so easy to talk to Kurogane, to open up and bare his soul, so Fai does.
Two boys, twins, born to a country where twins were seen as a great omen. Held in dungeons when their father disappeared and their mother killed herself. Tortured, starved, neglected, anything to try and appease whatever higher being was punishing the country with famine and death. Nothing worked though. Nothing.
“My brother prayed, every night,” Fai whispers. “I told him it was no use. If there were gods above, they’d have freed us from that place long ago. They’d have taken pity on us. We were alone. Still, he believed, and he prayed. And it was so… It was so cold, always. They never lit fires for us. It was a miracle we didn’t die from it.”
Years passed, but nothing changed. And finally, the country’s leader grew mad. The whole country did, really, from fear of collapse. The twins were dragged from their dungeon to the edge of a cliff, where icy glacial water sat below. A drop so far, death was a guarantee. The twins held onto each other as rocks were tied to their feet, for good measure, and then they were thrown off the edge together.
Only one soul was saved. His brother had prayed fervently, night after night, but never for his own sake. And the gods were cruel.
“What happened to him?” Kurogane asks, his voice as low as Fai’s. “What happens...” Words sit unspoken between them. What happens to the rest of us?
Fai sighs heavily, like he is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Those that sinned beyond forgiveness are sent to the lowest levels of the Underworld, where only pain exists, or so I've been told. For the rest, your soul will either rest for eternity in the Underworld, just like you are asleep. Or, you’ll wake, and be reborn to go through a new life on Earth until you die again, but there’s no way to know when or if that will happen, unless you’re one of the Fates. And for the lucky few whose souls are “saved,” you’ll be given the chance to live as a god in paradise.”
Kurogane doesn’t say anything to that. He thinks of his mother and his father. He wonders where they are. If they’re resting, if they’re reborn, if they’ll find each other again one day.
“It isn’t fair,” Fai says. His voice is sharp, ragged with old pain. Kurogane can see a far-off look in Fai’s eyes, even in the dark. He’s not in that room anymore. Not in spirit, anyway. “My brother was the one that prayed, that believed we’d be saved, so why was he not saved? I want to find him again, but they think it isn’t right for me to find him. They won’t tell me where he is in the Underworld, they won't let me travel deep enough to find his soul, they won’t tell me if he will be reborn. I have to search for him on my own.”
“They…?” Kurogane can’t help but ask.
Fai blinks, pulled back into that room, back into their shared space. He lowers his gaze, hides his eyes. “The Fates, and the other gods,” He says, his voice quiet but wrought with unspoken anger. “Only one of them doesn’t chastise me. But even he won’t help, not really. He just doesn't keep me from looking.”
Kurogane shuts his eyes and begins brushing his fingers through Fai’s hair. He feels the tremors in Fai’s body still, feels Fai relax against him as he scratches his nails against Fai’s scalp. Fai sighs and rests his head on Kurogane’s shoulder, accepts the silent comfort.
“That’s how I found you,” Fai says, so quietly Kurogane can hardly even hear him. “I was looking down on the Earth, trying to see if my brother had been reborn, and I saw you helping a family get away from some bandits. The next time I looked, I happened to see you getting attacked by that demon, and I…”
“Decided to meddle?” Kurogane asks teasingly with a tug on Fai’s hair.
Fai laughs softly and nods. “Exactly. You seemed nice. The Fates were very angry at me for getting involved when you were meant to die. They made me promise to never do it again.”
They lay in silence for a few long minutes. Kurogane wonders for a brief moment if Fai fell asleep for once, rather than his usual routine of staying up and waiting for Kurogane to wake. Then Fai takes a trembling breath in, like he is only seconds away from crying.
“I don’t understand,” Fai says with a voice much like a child’s. “I just wanted love. Other than the pain of living, all I knew was love. Love for my brother. It was all I wanted for the both of us. The gods were supposed to be kind and forgiving, so why...? Why are they keeping it from me?”
Before Kurogane can stop himself, the words slip from his tongue.
“I love you.”
He feels Fai tense in his arms and he shuts his eyes. His actions have spoken enough, he thinks. Fai shouldn’t be surprised at the words, but… Words sometimes can have a powerful effect on a person. Especially on Fai.
Fai doesn’t say anything, but he presses a kiss to the skin his mouth is nearest to and rests his cheek there. His arm comes over Kurogane’s chest, and they lay like that. Kurogane continues running his fingers through Fai’s hair. Over and over and over again, a silent mantra promising more than words can say.
The strands are soft, like silk. Light, wispy, as ethereal as Fai. Feeling barely real. Like they could slip from Kurogane’s fingers and disappear forever.
So Kurogane does not let go. He does not let anything slip away. He won’t. He can’t.
--
When Kurogane wakes, Fai is gone.
Laying in the line of sunlight on the bedside table is Fai’s ribbon. Kurogane picks it up and holds it in his palm. It feels like nothing, but Kurogane can feel the weight of an unspoken agreement. Fai will return, as he always does.
And Fai does, of course, with a smile and a kiss.
Kurogane accepts both happily.
--
Fai gasps in delight when he spots the spring, surrounded by trees and rocks. He runs forward, just about falling in with all his clothes on in his excitement. He manages to skid to a halt just in time and looks at Kurogane with a smile.
The water is cool and refreshing against the heat and the oppressive sun. Fai sits on the edge of a rock that juts into the water, his lower body submerged, legs kicking lethargically and creating small ripples. He sighs and leans back, resting on his elbows.
In moments like this, Fai believes that the Earth is a heaven itself. Beautiful pieces of it are, anyway. He blinks slowly, tilts his head back to look up at the sky. For the first time in a long time, Fai feels like a weight no longer lives on his back and his heart. He feels like he can really breathe.
“This is nice,” Fai says as Kurogane breaks the surface of the water. It drips from his hair, which falls wet into his face until he pushes it back, slips down his shoulders in rivulets. Fai eyes the scene in appreciation.
Kurogane lowers himself back into the water until only his eyes are not submerged, moves slowly towards Fai like some ominous sea creature. Fai raises a brow when Kurogane comes to settle between his legs, looking up at him. He blinks and smiles, tilts his head.
“Kuro-sama?” Fai asks, and Kurogane just blinks once, eyes dragging up the line of Fai’s bare chest until their eyes lock. Kurogane pushes himself up from the water, leaning in close. He stays low though, so that he has to tilt his head up to look at Fai, and Fai has to look down at him. A different angle than usual, one that Fai likes.
Then Kurogane smiles soft, his eyes sharp yet gentle, and Fai’s heart skips in his chest.
Fai yelps when a hand grasps his ankle and yanks him into the water. He sputters when he emerges, finds Kurogane standing in front of him, smiling smugly with his arms crossed over his chest. Fai pushes his hair out of his face, water dripping over his eyebrows, his nose, his lips. He can’t help but grin though, not when Kurogane is looking at him like that, and sweeps his hand through the water.
Water splashes over Kurogane’s face, and he shakes his head back and forth like a dog. Fai laughs, then barely has time to gasp in a quick breath when a large hand lands on his head and pushes him down. He grabs onto Kurogane’s waist as he goes, pulling him down with him.
The two are spent when they get out of the water to dry off, exhausted in the best kind of way, laughing breathlessly. They find a large, flat rock to lay out on, in the shade of the trees overhead. Fai sits up eventually though, begins yanking his fingers through his hair to get any tangles out. He needs to cut it, but he keeps forgetting. Perhaps he will have Kurogane chop it off with his sword.
“Here,” Comes Kurogane’s voice behind him.
But Fai does so enjoy feeling Kurogane’s fingers in his hair, so perhaps he will go without cutting it for a little longer.
Kurogane’s hands swat Fai’s away, and Kurogane settles behind Fai to brush the tangles from his hair. He goes slowly, patiently working through every knot until Fai’s hair falls smoothly over his shoulders. Fai is about to turn to thank Kurogane, but he feels Kurogane begin working on his hair, separating it into pieces and pulling it this way and that.
“Um… Kuro-sama?” Fai asks when Kurogane does not say anything.
“I’m braiding it,” Kurogane says, carefully placing each piece over each the other, tugging when needed so strands to fall out. “It’ll keep it from getting as messy.”
Fai goes silent at that, and Kurogane continues working. Kurogane can’t see Fai’s face, but he can see the pale length of Fai’s neck, the way it curves just slightly when Fai looks down. “I didn’t know you could do that,” Fai says, quietly.
“My mother taught me,” Kurogane says. “When she got too weak to do it herself. The servants could do it, but… I liked being able to help.”
He thinks of his mother, the way her hair used to sit thick and heavy in his small hands. Nothing at all like Fai’s. It’s difficult to braid Fai’s, and Kurogane gives up on trying to save the pieces that curl out and refuse to stay in place. It’s messy when he’s finished, tying Fai’s ribbon at the end to keep it from falling out.
“There,” Kurogane says, giving it a tug for good measure.
Fai stays where he is. “Kuro-tan… Do you want to go back?” He asks, quietly. “To Suwa?”
Kurogane blinks at the sudden question. “Of course,” He says without hesitation.
Fai smiles to himself. “We’re similar, a little bit,” He says. “Both of our homes were destroyed. Only… I never wish to go back to mine. It was so cold.”
Kurogane frowns, but knocks his knuckles over Fai’s head. That seems to knock Fai out of whatever thought he was in, as he blinks and turns to look at Kurogane from over his shoulder. “Other than that one thing, we couldn’t be more opposite,” Kurogane says, smiling to let Fai know that he is teasing.
Fai smiles as well and nods. “That’s a good thing, right?” He asks. “Opposites attract, after all. If we were too similar, we wouldn’t be able to stand each other.”
Kurogane shuts his eyes, raises a brow. “Who says I can stand you now?”
He can’t help the small chuckle when he’s knocked onto his back, Fai on his chest, pouting and whining about Kurogane being so mean to him.
--
“Let’s go to Suwa,” Fai says one night, as they lay in bed.
Fai has been with Kurogane for a long time. He’s been spending longer and longer with Kurogane, and now it’s already been a month and a half since he last returned. Kurogane enjoys the constant company and dreads when Fai will have to leave again. He worries though, worries that Fai will get in trouble if he stays with Kurogane for too long. He doesn’t know what exactly would happen to a god if they were to get in trouble, or who Fai answers to, but he can’t help but to worry anyway.
He still selfishly holds onto Fai though, doesn’t tell him to go or voice his concerns.
He blinks and looks at Fai, who is lying on his belly, cheek propped lazily on his palm. “Um… If you want?” Kurogane asks, and Fai smiles.
“I don’t mean in your memories,” He says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Let’s go to Suwa.”
Kurogane frowns and looks up at the ceiling. “Suwa is… gone.” Sometimes, the words can still be hard to say. “It was destroyed when I was a child.”
“The land is still there,” Fai says, pushing himself up on his elbows. “Your home. It’s all still there.”
Kurogane swallows thickly and looks over at Fai. “It’s a long journey,” He says. “I haven’t been there in…”
“I know,” Fai whispers. Then he smiles, softly. “But it would be a fun adventure, don’t you think? To make the journey?”
Kurogane can’t answer at that moment, but Fai looks understanding. He pushes himself up to kiss at the corner of Kurogane’s mouth, a comfort, a form of solidarity without words. Kurogane reaches up to rest his hand against Fai’s cheek, keeping him close, and Fai looks up at him.
“Sure,” He says. “Let’s go.”
Fai blinks and then grins and kisses Kurogane properly this time, their lips crushing together in just the right way.
--
They sit in a tavern they stumbled across in a tiny village on their way to Suwa. It will take many more days to reach the area anyway, so they decide to take their time and enjoy the trip. Spiced wine flows between them, sits warm in their bellies. Fai sighs as he finishes another glass and makes a motion to the host that he will need a refill.
Kurogane watches him from across the table. It’s easy to forget what Fai really is, like this. It’s easy to imagine that he’s human, a man, someone who will live and die, just like Kurogane. Easy to imagine that it could happen with Kurogane.
Fai hums when his mug is filled with fresh wine and he takes a sip. He looks at Kurogane and tilts his head. “What is it, Kuro-sama? You’re looking at me very intensely,” He says, quirking a brow.
“Just thinking,” Kurogane murmurs, looking down at his own mug. He throws back the last gulp, cooled to room temperature from sitting for so long. He looks at Fai again. “After we spend some time in Suwa, will you go back?”
Fai blinks and furrows his brows. “Back?”
“To…” Kurogane waves a hand. It isn’t Fai’s home, Fai has made that abundantly clear, but Kurogane isn’t sure what it is. “Where you come from.”
Fai frowns and taps the side of his mug with his nail. “I… Would like to stay,” He says, slowly and quietly. “I don’t want to return. I thought I’ve made that clear.”
Kurogane shrugs and nods when the host comes by to refill his mug. “That doesn’t mean you can stay here forever.”
Fai smiles and looks up at Kurogane, his eyes twinkling in the dim light. “I can try though.”
Kurogane blinks once and then snorts, shakes his head, takes a sip of wine. “Listen, I’m not letting my soul be damned because you want to have some fun.”
“I would never let it!” Fai gasps, putting a hand to his chest dramatically. Kurogane chuckles and rolls his eyes, and Fai shares in the quiet laughter. They don’t speak for a long moment, and finally Fai frowns and looks down at the wooden table. “They won’t be happy with me. I shouldn’t stay on Earth for so long, but… I want to. I’ll accept the scolding they give me if it means I can be here.”
Kurogane reaches across the table to cover Fai’s hand with his own, and Fai looks up at him with wide eyes. “Don’t ruin everything just to be here,” Kurogane tells him.
Fai smiles and turns his hand so that he can hold Kurogane’s. “Don’t worry, Kuro-sama. Nothing is ruined. This is perfect.”
Kurogane regards Fai, and then smiles, and Fai’s heart swells.
Fai realizes in that moment that he isn’t cold anymore. That he hasn’t been for a long while.
--
Fai wakes to a beautiful garden and warm sunshine. He starts and stands, looking around frantically. How did he get back? It isn’t possible, he should still be at the inn with Kurogane, so how—
“Fai.”
Fai gasps and spins around. Ashura stands behind him, his hands held in front of him. Fai swallows nervously and feels his stomach clench. Nothing good can come from this. “Ashura?” He asks, his voice thin. “How am I here?”
“You’re not,” Ashura responds. “We are in the dream world.”
Fai cannot help the anger that bursts in his chest. His dreams were all that he had that were completely his own. His own miseries and fears, vulnerabilities that he did not want to share, memories that he did not want invaded. Not many possess the ability to step into dreams, but Ashura is exceptionally gifted. Fai takes a step forward and narrows his eyes. “You said you would never—“
“I had no other choice,” Ashura says, frowning. “You haven’t returned, I could speak to you no other way.”
Fai swallows and averts his eyes. “You could have just come found me.”
“We both know you would not have listened,” Ashura steps closer to Fai, rests a hand on Fai’s cheek. Fai swallows and shuts his eyes. “I worry for you.”
“You shouldn’t,” Fai tells him, his voice suddenly soft under Ashura’s gentle gaze. “I’m fine.”
Ashura took a liking to Fai when Fai was first welcomed by the gods. He was the God of War, but his eyes were gentle and his voice soothing. He was the only one to help Fai when he wanted to find his brother, despite knowing it was a useless cause. He only wanted to help Fai. Fai knows this, but Ashura is still the God of War. The darkness in his heart will never go away. He would never hurt Fai; in fact, he would do almost anything to protect Fai. That seemed almost more terrifying to Fai.
“No good comes to gods that stay on the Earth for so long,” Ashura says to Fai. “It is why we exist on another realm. Only misery will find you.”
“I’ll return,” Fai says, finally looking up at Ashura. “I promise, I’ll return.”
“When?” Ashura asks, the sharpness of his voice making Fai flinch. “When this boy has died? And then what, will you spend all of your time back on Earth and in Hell, looking for him and your brother?”
Fai feels like a wound has been pried open with brutal claws. He steps back from Ashura’s touch and looks at the ground. “You want me to be happy, but when I finally find it, you want to rip it away,” Fai whispers. His eyes are burning.
“Fai,” Ashura says after a long, silent moment. “I only wish for your happiness. But finding it on the Earth, as if you are still a mere human, it will only hurt you. Is it worth it if it will only bring you pain later?”
Fai swallows. He thinks of his brother, he thinks of Kurogane. He thinks of all of the smiles he has shared since meeting Kurogane, of all the ways he has opened up and allowed himself to feel that joy. The only joy he’s felt in a long while. Perhaps in the entirety of his long, long life. He nods. “If I can have it now, it’s worth it, even if I’m miserable for eternity.”
Ashura sighs and shakes his head. He turns away from Fai. The flowers around them suddenly do not smell as sweet. “I’m sorry to hear that, Fai.” He pauses, then says, “Have your fun then. I will see that you return, and I look forward to seeing you when you eventually do.”
Fai frowns, but before he can respond, the world dissipates around him. He wakes with a start in the dark, but a strong arm around him reminds him of where he is. Kurogane doesn’t stir, but he does hold Fai close, and Fai relaxes into him.
Not even Kurogane’s warmth can calm Fai’s racing heart or steady his breath, though. He shuts his eyes and tries not to worry.
He sits on Ashura’s words like they are an omen.
--
Fai wonders, later, if he could have done something differently. If he could have suggested a different path, if he had told Kurogane to wait one day before they continued their journey to Suwa. If he could have prevented the end from happening.
He knows that it wouldn’t have mattered. Ashura’s words were an omen after all, and premonition that Fai had no power over.
He shouldn’t have stayed.
He shouldn’t have looked.
He shouldn’t have saved Kurogane from that demon, so long ago.
--
They’re close to Suwa, just one more day of travel and they will arrive. It’s a clear day, buzzing with birds singing and insects buzzing. Maybe that’s why it’s so very obvious when Fai feels a shift in the air. Everything around them seems to go silent, the wind seems to get a sharp bite to it.
Fai blinks and looks up at the sky. Kurogane follows suit when shadows are cast over them. The blue of the sky is blotted with growing clouds, until it can’t be seen at all. Dark gloom hangs over them, like a dangerous storm.
“What the hell?” Kurogane murmurs, narrowing his eyes. He glances over at Fai, who is frowning, but doesn’t look surprised. “Do you know what this is?”
Fai’s frown deepens. “The God of Death,” He murmurs. He feels sick suddenly. He turns to Kurogane. “Kuro-sama, you need to go—“
They both sense the presence behind them and turn. Something sinister swirls in front of them, looking like thick dust, darker than black. When it clears, it leaves behind a man. Under his feet, the grass is scorched. He smiles, but it only makes something cold and unwelcome climb up Kurogane’s spine.
Kurogane blinks in surprise when Fai steps half in front of him, glaring at the mysterious man. “Seishirou,” Fai says, his voice icy.
The man—Seishirou, just nods his head in greeting and steps forward. “Fai, how wonderful it is to see you,” He says. His voice is smooth and calm, but the look in his eyes tell a different story. “It has been so long since you’ve last visited.”
“What are you doing here?” Fai asks, avoiding the pleasantries.
“Ah, I thought you’d be curious,” Seishirou says, his voice light, as if they were chatting over tea. “Ashura has been worried. He sent me to collect.”
Fai’s brows furrow in confusion, his eyes narrow. “You?” He glances at Kurogane for a lingering moment. Something is amiss. There is no reason why Ashura would send Seishirou of all the gods. Ashura hates the Earth, but if he were so desperate to retrieve Fai, he would do so himself. It doesn’t matter though, since it wouldn’t be possible for him to force Fai to return. Fai looks back to Seishirou. “What’s going on? Why would Ashura send you after me?”
Seishirou blinks, and then chuckles lowly. “Oh no, you misunderstand,” He says. “Ashura didn’t send me for you, not technically. We both know you wouldn’t come back of your own volition, so there was no reason to try, and I cannot drag you back screaming, as much as I’d like to. Ashura has sent me to collect a different soul, in hopes that it would make you finally end your time here.”
In Seishirou’s hand, something dark materializes, like jagged obsidian, sharpened to a dangerous point at each end. Fai’s eyes widen and he jumps in front of Kurogane, turning to try and push him out of the way. The weapon flies, and Fai shuts his eyes tightly.
He feels no pain.
The obsidian passes through his body as if he were a ghost and impales Kurogane through the chest in an instant.
Kurogane grunts in pain and Fai cries out. They both fall to the ground, Kurogane’s breath gets knocked from his lungs with a wheeze. Fai clambers over Kurogane, lifting himself up, looks down at Kurogane in fear.
Blood is soaking through Kurogane’s clothes, spilling onto the ground beneath him, burning hot. His eyes are pinched shut tightly, but at Fai’s cry, he opens them. They’re glassy, and he struggles to keep them open. The obsidian gleams.
“No, no!” Fai cries, his hands coming to Kurogane’s neck, his cheeks, his hair. He pushes his fingers through dark, coarse strands. His vision becomes blurred and he blinks rapidly to clear it, so he can see Kurogane clearly. Hot tears run down his face. “Kuro-sama! Kuro-sama!”
Fai’s shaking fingers continue to card through Kurogane’s hair, unsure of what else to do. Kurogane coughs wetly, his lips staining red. Fai’s lips tremble. There is nothing he can do to help Kurogane. He cannot rewind time or close the wound. Kurogane is going to die here.
Fai’s thoughts are a mess of grief, shock, confusion, an entire myriad of emotions he cannot name. How could Ashura do this; how could he convince the Fates to allow Kurogane to be killed? Why would Ashura do such a thing? He loved Fai, he promised he would never hurt him, and yet... Fai’s voice chokes and he wants to scream, to curse Ashura and all of the hundreds of loving gods to the depths of the Underworld, to let them feel as much pain as they have caused Fai.
“Please,” Fai whispers instead, shuts his eyes. Prays. Prays for the first time in his life. “Please…”
“Lilies…”
A whisper of a touch, barely there, grazing against fine strands of hair that have fallen over Fai’s shoulder. The ribbon has fallen, fluttered to the ground, forgotten, getting lost in the blood.
Fai gasps and looks down at Kurogane, blinking more tears away. Kurogane’s fingers are brushing against the ends of Fai’s hair, unable to do more than just touch gently, tinging them red with blood. His eyes are half open, looking at the way the strands fall over his hand. He blinks slowly, moves his gaze to meet Fai’s.
“I can… smell lilies,” Kurogane says, his voice hoarse, weak with death.
Fai forces a smile onto his face and nods. “We’ll see them! We’re so close to them, you just have to…” His voice cracks. “You have to stay… The lilies, they’re…”
Kurogane’s head shakes, just slightly, barely noticeable. “I can… See…”
The obsidian disappears, and Kurogane’s breathing is suddenly wet and shallow as blood spills hot over his front. Fai shakes his head desperately, his hands moving away from Kurogane’s hair to hold over the wound in vain. Everything is red, vibrant red and dark around the edges. Fai’s in a tunnel, barreling towards something he wants so desperately to avoid. There’s nowhere else to turn though, nowhere to run, and Fai yells, screams for Kurogane to just hold on.
In a matter of moments, Kurogane’s rattling breaths cease.
Fai looks down at him. At Kurogane.
Dead.
Fai’s mouth falls open in shock. His eyes grow wide. He struggles to breathe. He feels like a child again, a child that’s been thrown into icy water. Only there is no other hand holding tightly onto him. He is alone.
“Such a shame,” Seishirou says behind him.
Fai slowly sits up. His hands slip from Kurogane’s chest, red and slick. He’s covered in blood, like it is part of him, like it is his own heart that’s bleeding openly. He pushes himself up onto his feet, and he doesn’t know how he manages to stay up on his shaking legs, but he turns to stumble towards Seishirou.
“Please,” His voice rasps out, stuck between a gasp and a sob. He grabs the front of Seishirou’s clothes with his bloody hands and collapses on his knees before him. “Death… Take me with you… I can’t… I don’t want to…”
Not again.
“You know I cannot do that.” Seishirou puts a hand over Fai’s and Fai looks up at him pathetically. Seishirou’s eyes are empty of any sort of pity. “Now come, Fai. You are the God of Pleasure. You should be smiling.”
Fai blinks numbly and slowly lowers his gaze, stares unseeing at Seishirou’s chest. Seishirou will not help him. Ashura has forsaken him. No, not only Ashura; Fai's soul was forsaken long ago, when it was chosen by the gods. Merciful for themselves, cruel for any that will not blindly follow. There is no one left by his side. He lets go of Seishirou and turns back to Kurogane, still laying there, still dead.
“Kuro-sama,” Fai gasps, half stumbling and half crawling back to Kurogane’s side. “Kuro-sama…”
He kneels by Kurogane and leans in close, his hands landing on either side of Kurogane’s head. He swallows and brings a hand to Kurogane’s cheek, smearing blood there. He shakes his head and brings that hand back to Kurogane’s hair, slowly stroking his fingers over it as his gaze flits over Kurogane’s face.
“Kuro-sama, I’m here,” He whispers, as if Kurogane will be able to hear him, half expects Kurogane to look at him because Kurogane always responds to his words. “Kuro-sama… Kurogane… I’m here, I have you, I…”
His voice gets choked back with a sob and his eyes pinch shut. He leans in close and rests his forehead against Kurogane’s. When was the last time he cried? Not since he was a child, he thinks. Not since he was ripped from his brother so cruely. He cannot breathe, he feels like he is drowning and he does not know what to do. All he can do is continue to card his bloody fingers through Kurogane’s hair, the same way Kurogane would brush his fingers through Fai’s. The same comfort. The same warmth. An anchor.
His other hand rests on Kurogane’s cheek. “I’m sorry, I—I loved you,” Fai chokes out on what little breath he can get. “I just loved you… I just loved you and—“
Fai sobs, broken.
Kurogane is gone, all because…
“I just loved you,” He repeats, like a prayer. “It was the same for you… right? I loved you… I’m sorry I—I… I love you…”
Fai opens his eyes when he hears a shift, a step taken closer to him. He leans back and looks down at Kurogane properly. His fingers are still in Kurogane’s hair. The coarse strands between his fingers acting as a reminder that Kurogane is still there, in his arms, still warm. That Fai can still hold him. That things are the same, except for the glassy eyes, the ashy skin, the blood, and—
“Come, Fai.”
Seishirou.
“It’s time to go back home.”
Home.
Fai takes a trembling breath. He swears he can smell lilies.
“No,” He whispers, not taking his gaze from Kurogane’s face.
“What?” Seishirou hisses.
“No,” Fai repeats, tilting his head and leaning closer to Kurogane. He strokes Kurogane’s cheek with one hand, brushes his hair with the other. Blood is everywhere, but through it, Fai can still see Kurogane. Beautiful as ever. “I won’t go back.”
Fai hears Seishirou take a deep breath. “Fai,” He says, his voice even but thick with anger. “You cannot stay here.”
“I will,” Fai says, broken. “I won’t go back.”
Not to that place that ripped him from his brother. That ripped him from Kurogane.
Heaven to most. Hell to him. And if Fai was going to live in a permanent state of Hell, it would be with Kurogane.
“I’m going to stay right here,” He whispers, but not to Seishirou. To Kurogane. He swallows and says around his tears, “Kuro-sama, I’m sorry… I can’t keep looking… I—I’m so… I’m so tired…”
He moves his hands to shut Kurogane’s eyes, pulls Kurogane’s upper body up so that he can wrap his arms around him, so that he can hold Kurogane close to him. Fai shuts his eyes and rests his cheek against Kurogane’s head, holds him tight, holds him like they held each other so many times before. His hand finds Kurogane’s hair again. So coarse, rough, yet soft and comforting. Just like Kurogane.
The motion of his fingers through Kurogane’s hair offers some semblance of solace to Fai, even as the strands become messy with blood. A reminder of those nights, in dark rooms and under the stars. A reminder of them, together.
“Fai, don’t be a fool,” Seishirou hisses.
Fai ignores him. He can’t drag Fai back. Seishirou cannot do anything unless he decides to kill Fai. Fai hopes he will. Fai knows he won’t.
“Rest now,” Fai whispers, shutting his eyes. “You’re gone, but I’m right here. I'm sorry.”
He is not a god anymore. And if he is, he is only a fallen God of Misery now. Only a heartbroken man.
“Fine then, you stubborn boy,” Seishirou growls. “You cannot stay here forever. You will come crawling back eventually, when you realize he won’t be coming back.”
Fai does not regard Seishirou or his words, does not move at all when the God of Death disappears in anger, the ground burning beneath his feet. At his exit, the sounds of spring return. Birds sing overhead. The clouds clear. The sunlight feels cold on Fai’s skin.
Fai takes a shuddering breath. It feels like thorny vines have woven around his ribs, have latched around his heart, puncturing him, making him bleed. He holds onto Kurogane tighter. Brushes the bloody tangles tenderly from Kurogane's hair. Scratches his nails lightly against Kurogane’s scalp. Looks for comfort in the cold.
“I won’t go anywhere, Kuro-sama. So if you come back, you can find me. And if you meet Yuui, bring him too. I just… I’ll just… Wait.”
And so, he did.