Work Text:
Jeongguk flops onto his bed with a content sigh. He'd just gotten off of Skype with Yoongi, his best friend that currently lives in Seoul attending college. They'd met two years ago, Jeongguk being only 14 and Yoongi being 18 at the time; fresh out of high school and himself just going into it. They met over this one really neat k-pop band both of them stan hardcore--Big Bang. Jeongguk was just getting into the group, so he had joined a group chat he saw full of other fans for it on Twitter, and Yoongi was in it. Of course, he had talked with everyone else in the group chat but for some reason, he and Yoongi had more of a connection. So, they both left the group and continued their friendship with just them.
Befriending Yoongi has been one of the best decisions he's made in his entire life--so far. Being a naive kid, Jeongguk was susceptible to wrongful behaviors and misconstrued beliefs, but Yoongi being older and more wise, had corrected his views and taught him a more mature way to act. Now he gets all kinds of compliments from his parents and even teachers for how "mature" he is for his age. It's all thanks to Yoongi for teaching him to be more educated and sensitive to things.
Jeongguk stares at his ceiling and basks. Basks in the happiness he's feeling right now, the joy that Yoongi brings to his heart. He's not just a best friend, he's closer than that. Jeongguk genuinely loves him. Every day, as soon as he wakes up to the time he goes to bed, he's talking to Yoongi. Joking and laughing with his best friend. They call at least once a week, just to actually hear each others voices for hours and hours on end. Jeongguk loves Yoongi.
Just.. not in the way he's supposed to.
His happiness turns sour when he delves in that part of his mind. The part that wants to hold his best friend's hand, take him out on dates. Kiss him. The part that he wishes he could just fucking push away. Because he's 16, and Yoongi is 20. It's not supposed to happen, and it never will. That's what he has to remind himself on the daily, 24/7. It's a constant battle within his head. One side telling him that, hey, he's 16! That's pretty old, and it's only a 4 year age gap! That's not so bad, is it? Except the other side is there telling him, yes, it's so bad. He's underage, and it's not like Yoongi would ever see him like that anyway. Yoongi treats him like nothing more than a best friend, a brother even.
Jeongguk tries to blink away the tears he can feel prickling in his eyes, sniffs away the burning sensation in his nose, he tries; but it's to no avail. Hot tears slide down the sides of his face, lower lip wobbling. Before he can stop himself, he chokes out a sob and has to slap his hands over his mouth. Jeongguk rolls over onto his side and allows the tears and the snot to drip, allows muffled hiccups and sobs into his palm. Lays there, feeling sorry for himself.
It's not fair, he tells himself through his jumbled, pathetic thoughts. It's not fair that Yoongi gets to disregard his age as if it doesn't matter, treat him as a person and not as a little kid. It's not fair for Yoongi to make him feel so special, so loved and equal, be so loving. Yet he could never have him the way he wants. Because of their stupid, dumb age gap. Jeongguk stays curled up, knees to his chest, hands glued over his lower face, until he falls asleep.
~~
Jeongguk all but throws his backpack onto the floor by his desk, crashing into his computer chair, groaning loudly. His back hurts from the three textbooks he's been sent home with, an insane amount of pages due for homework in each book. Shit he decides he'll just complete later, after he gets to speak to Yoongi. Yoongi always comes first to him. It's not like he doesn't have a phone to text the older, but it died while it was in his locker and he's been anxious to get home and explain just that to him just in case Yoongi feels like he's ignoring him.
He opens Chrome, then clicks the Twitter in his bookmarks bar; the first in line. As soon as the site loads, he's clicking the envelope icon and flying his fingers across the keyboard to form a message.
hihi im sorry for not messaging right away )): my phone died in my locker but i'm home safe and sound! missed you <3 ): @jdragon 16:03
He leans back in the chair and lets himself relax now that he's messaged Yoongi and, judging by the lack of any messages other than what the usual spam the older likes to send when he sees memes he knows Jeongguk would enjoy, he wasn't worried. Which is good. While he waits for a response--around this time, the elder is most likely either doing homework or taking a nap preparing for his 5 o'clock class--he opens a playlist he made full of his (and Yoongi's) favorite Big Bang songs.
Jeongguk's in the middle of singing the chorus of the classic "Bang Bang Bang" when he's notified of a message by a noise interrupting the song. Immediately, he switches tabs. He grins ear to ear now that he and Yoongi can finally talk.
Hiii, missed you too Gukkie. Sorry for the late reply, I was napping :P
@min93 16:27
He'll never get tired of Yoongi's old man emoticons. He rarely uses emojis even when they text unless it's like, a heart or a simple smile. That's how Yoongi is, a simple man that's blunt. But he's not cold at all, he's soft and kind. He's the perfect match for Jeongguk, who uses too many emojis and sometimes is more of a crackhead rather than a sensible person when it comes to texting.
They spent the rest of the hour they have until Yoongi goes to class talking about their day. Jeongguk tells him about some kid who dyed his hair blonde and how all the girls are loving it while the boys are getting jealous of him. Yoongi tells him about their professor walking in with several hairs stood up on top of his head and everyone trying not to laugh so they don't get points taken off their grades.
Lmao, speaking of dyeing hair I think I'm gonna go mint. I'll send pics if I do
@min93 16:54
OOOO YES you better bc i cant wait to see you in a pastel color. ill put you on my wall (^: @jdragon 16:54
I gtg, just reached the classroom ): I'll talk to you soon Guk
@min93 16:57
aww ))))))))))): see you soon ): <3 @jdragon 16:58
<3
@min93 16:58
And then Yoongi is gone to class, leaving Jeongguk pouting at his laptop screen. He unlocks his phone, sat charging on his desk for the past hour, and scrolls through the photo album he has saved as: "yoon selcas". The older doesn't color his hair that often, but it's definitely more often than the average Korean. Maybe it's because he's in Seoul now with all the cool kpop idols. When they first started talking, he had black hair. Then he lightened it up to a brown, and now he's bleached it platinum blonde. Jeongguk's heart flutters as he swipes through each selfie, his cheeks pink and chest warm with love. His hyung is so attractive, and while he admits he's not the ugliest guy, his looks pale in comparison to Yoongi's. Here come those thoughts again.
Jeongguk smiles, wide and goofy, at one specific picture. Yoongi's white face mask is pushed down to his chin, a very subtle smile on his face and his hair shaggy in front of hooded eyes. He looks so unbelievably sexy, so pretty, so flawless, all at once. Jeongguk wishes more than anything to be able to prance around to his friends, shove his phone in their faces, and gush about his boyfriend. Talk about how beautiful his boyfriend is for hours on end until everyone's tired of hearing about it. Then he'll just change the topic to his personality instead.
He wants to call Yoongi his boyfriend. They'd be such a good match, he knows they would. Best friends, boyfriends, soulmates. He lets himself feel hopeful, just this once. Hopeful that maybe his bad thoughts are wrong, maybe there's nothing wrong with something purely romantic. Romance would work, wouldn't it?
Jeongguk doesn't allow the bad thoughts to intrude, only blasts the playlist louder and hopes. Hopes and dreams and wishes and even prays a little bit. He closes the Photos app and instead gazes at the personalized home screen selca Yoongi had sent to him; a finger heart and duck lips, cute stickers attached to the picture. It's beautiful. He's beautiful.
~~
Most of the time, Jeongguk has good days. He's happy and content with himself, enjoying the days. Most of the time, Jeongguk is okay. Sometimes, though, he's not okay. Sometimes, his bad thoughts are too bad to ignore and he can't help but to cry to Yoongi about them. They're on the phone this time, his fingers shaking too much to properly type. The older had only accepted a few puzzling texts before he's calling the younger, who picks up instantly.
"Hyung," He hiccups, trying to hold himself together enough to stop from bursting into sobs. "Hyung, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Yoongi is taken aback by the sudden apologies, shushing the younger gently, "Hey, why are you apologizing? You're okay, don't be sorry--"
Jeongguk interrupts, sniffling loudly, "I'm always doing this to you, complaining about my problems. I never ask how you're doing, you never come to me when you're upset. I'm so sorry, hyung."
"Guk, it's okay. I'm not really upset that often, you know that. I would come to you first if there was anything, you also know that," Yoongi's deep voice is music to Jeongguk's ears, soothing despite the screaming in his head that is telling him that what the elder is saying isn't true. "I love you, Gukkie. You mean so much to me, I'm always here to help you no matter what."
Both are silent for a long moment, Jeongguk's hiccups and sniffles growing more infrequent as he's calmed down significantly. Yoongi always has that impact on him. Voice level and soft, never failing to silence the bad thoughts and bring him back to reality. Back to his lovely, happy reality that is with Yoongi.
"I love you too, Yoongi," Jeongguk says eventually, voice still a bit strained but a lot smoother than before. "Thank you for everything, hyung. I'm so glad you're in my life."
"And I'm so glad you're in mine," Yoongi responds honestly, a smile evident in his tone. "Now you need to take a little nap. Cool your head, okay?"
Jeongguk nods, then remembers the older can't actually see him, "Okay, hyung. I love you."
"I love you, too. Goodnight."
"Goodnight," He ends the call, fingers no longer shaky though his screen is wet from a few stray tears that had fallen. Jeongguk locks his phone, his room now shrouded in darkness, and lays on his back to face the ceiling.
With the bad thoughts pushed to the back of his mind, Jeongguk is left with so many positive feelings for Yoongi. The older didn't waste a heartbeat before calling him, making sure he was okay, and talking him through it when he found out that he wasn't okay. Yoongi is such a sweetheart, Jeongguk can't control himself anymore.
He starts crying, silently, but it's happy tears. Happy that he has someone as perfect as Yoongi in his life. Someone who genuinely cares about him and isn't going to offer pity. He talks to Jeongguk until he's okay again, constantly reassuring the younger until he finally gets it through his head.
That's just one of the many reasons Jeongguk is in love with Yoongi.
~~
It was one of those days where Jeongguk is too focused on his thoughts. Specifically, the doubtful, sad thoughts. So he's been dragging his feet all morning, barely speaking to his friends or even contributing in class like he usually does to at least ensure he gets good merits by the teachers. Jimin, his only real life friend he can count as close enough to be his second best friend, has always been insightful. He's usually the one to coax Jeongguk into actually talking about what's bugging him so he doesn't explode on Yoongi when he gets home; who the shorter actually knows about.
So when lunch rolls around and Jeongguk has no option to avoid Jimin, he sits down at his table with his lunch and just waits. Not even two minutes into his food, Jimin slams his tray down beside Jeongguk and huffs.
"Talk to me."
Jeongguk sighs, turning a small bit in his seat to properly look at his best friend, "What about?"
His tone has Jimin raising his eyebrows and inhaling in the way he always does when he's about to go into ranting mode, "You've been moping all morning, don't think I haven't noticed! Even in your favorite class, you were dead silent the entire time. Talk to me, what's bugging you?"
At the end of his little motherly scolding, his tone takes on a softer, more concerned tone and he leans in closer. Jeongguk pouts, letting Jimin know he's won yet again, and slumps into the boy. At least it'll be a relief to get everything he's been bottling up off his chest.
"Well," He starts, cheeks dusting pink in slight embarrassment, "I've been really conflicted for a while. You already know about how I feel about Yoongi hyung."
Jimin nods in understanding, gesturing for Jeongguk to continue.
"And last night and even this morning, the bad thoughts are eating at me. Each day, I can feel my love growing; as cliché as it sounds. He really makes me feel happy and I want a little more, I want to date him. But that doubting part of my mind is tearing me to shreds with all the hopelessness and making me feel like shit. I'm tired of it."
Once Jeongguk's done venting, he feels lighter in the chest, but voicing his worry out loud doesn't ease his mind any. He knows he isn't even being that irrational, but he's taking it a bit overboard. Jimin rubs Jeongguk's shoulder soothingly, looking off in thought for a moment. His eyes brighten when he appears to have come up with the right thing to say.
"Guk," He begins carefully, "I know you're not gonna like this, but I seriously think you need to tell him."
Jeongguk just groans, throwing his head back and pouting even deeper than before, "It's not like I don't know that.. I'm just scared. I want answers but I'm scared. I basically already know what he's gonna say."
To that, Jimin shakes his head and tuts, "No, you don't. You don't know what Yoongi might be thinking, or how he feels. That's just the negative part of your brain obstructing reality. There's two parts to this love story, and you don't even know his part."
Jimin's words make a lot of sense, as they usually do. He's always been good with words, especially when it comes to romantic situations. Jeongguk really hadn't thoughts about things that way; about the fact that he really doesn't know Yoongi's thoughts so it's unreasonable to assume the worst.
Yoongi isn't always outwardly expressive, Jeongguk has just come to be really good at understanding his typing habits and his tone while he's speaking. Years of practice, one could say. There are times, however, where Yoongi has successfully masked his true emotions and Jeongguk hadn't even noticed until the older came outward with it. Those are only rare, though.
"Yeah, you're right," Jeongguk admits, slapping Jimin's thigh when he grinned cockily, "But I'm still scared to tell him. Both good and bad could happen, you know that."
"I do, but there's no use in constantly worrying and hiding behind your fears. Go out there, you're close enough to where even if it did turn for the worst, you'd still be inseparable."
Jeongguk nods, Jimin being right yet again. He'd hurt like a bitch, sure, but he would hate to throw away the two years they've already shared together all because of his crush that didn't bloom. He loves Yoongi, and not just romantically. Overall, he is still Jeongguk's best friend and nothing could ever bring them apart so easily.
"Thank you, Min. I really appreciate it," Jeongguk wraps his arm around the smaller's shoulder and gives him a warm side-hug, "I think I'm gonna tell him tonight. Rip the band aid off, yeah?"
"Yes! That's the spirit," Jimin reaches up to ruffle Jeongguk's dark hair, "Go get 'em, tiger."
~~
Before Jeongguk had left to walk home at the end of the school day, Jimin had warned him not to get his hopes up, because there is the other possibility. He really doesn't want to think about the hurt of being rejected, so he ignores Jimin's words and indulges in his fantasies during the walk. Jeongguk smiles at the thought of telling Yoongi and the older being overjoyed, telling him that he feels the same and they can finally become official like Jeongguk had wanted for almost a year at this point.
Jeongguk's phone hasn't buzzed in his pocket once, indicating that Yoongi is most likely napping, and a part of him is glad for it. As much as he wants to talk to his best friend, he worries he'll lose his confidence if he talks to him now. So he thinks positive, silently mouthing the words to whatever song is currently playing from their shared playlist. Ultimately getting his hopes up despite what Jimin had said. Jeongguk was doing this tonight and he was going to stop thinking about what could happen and instead recaps on all of his and Yoongi's best moments.
The moments where they've laughed until Yoongi snorted beer from his nose and Jeongguk even pissed himself. Times they've watched movies together on Rabbit and cried to Train to Busan, then laughing about how each other sounded while they sobbed. Yoongi treats him a way that nobody has ever treated him before, not even Jimin. If that isn't a sign of romantic attraction that he hasn't allowed himself to see before, then he doesn't know what is.
When Jeongguk reaches his house, he doesn't greet his parents before bolting up the stairs and into his room, eager to wait until Yoongi woke up. In the meantime, he repeats encouraging words to his reflection in his closet door mirror, keeping his positivity at its maximum highest. Jeongguk was doing this tonight, and he couldn't wait.
~~
Jeongguk calls Yoongi the moment the older was home from his last class. He wants to start the conversation off positive, give himself a tiny bit more confidence before he goes in for the confession. So he put all of the attention on Yoongi, asking him about his day and how he was feeling; hyping the older up, in a way. Then when the attention turned to Jeongguk, he brushes off his own day as "just another boring day, hyung, nothing much to really tell" and brings the focus back onto Yoongi.
The two sat in a comfortable silence when there was nothing else to talk about, Jeongguk's heart beating a mile a minute just hearing the older's soft breathing on the other side of the phone. He's mentally mapping out how to start this next part of the conversation and where to bring up his confession. Yoongi is clever and catches on quick, so he has to find a way to be smooth and inconspicuous.
"Hyung," Jeongguk sighs, high and whiny, "You know I really appreciate you being here for me all these years. You've made me feel really special."
He chooses to start off with reminiscing. It wouldn't be the first time he's gotten all soft and emotional out of the blue, so he takes advantage of that.
"Mhm," Yoongi hums in agreement, "I know, Gukkie. I appreciate you being here for me, too. You keep me from getting too old."
"You're not even old!" Jeongguk laughs, causing Yoongi to chuckle at his own words.
"A little bit. Just a little. I wanna be young like you, now my bones creak," Yoongi's voice strains as if he's stretching, and then a pop is heard, "Did'ya hear that? I'm gonna get arthritis."
Now Jeongguk is full on cackling, tears welling up in his eyes, "Shut up! You're not old."
It's calm again after a moment, returning to the silence from before. Jeongguk sighs again.
"Really, though. You mean so much to me, hyung. You've educated me, you've made me feel equal to you, like I'm not just some kid. If I didn't have you in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. You've become such an essential part of my life, I hope you never leave me. I love you, hyung."
The other side of the phone is silent except for Yoongi's breathing, like he's taking in each word. When he speaks again, a smile is evident in his voice, "You're making me soft, Jeongguk. You mean a whole lot to me, too. You've kept me grounded when I've felt like I was floating too high, getting too stressed about college or even my future. Let's promise each other yeah? Hold your pinkie out."
Jeongguk does as he's told, raising his pinkie into the air and toward the ceiling, "It's out."
"Okay," Yoongi says. There's a small rustle, presumably from him sticking his own pinkie out, "Let's pinkie promise to never leave each other. No matter how busy school might make us."
"I promise," Jeongguk nods and bends his pinkie, shaking his hand as if their pinkies are actually connected.
"Good."
This is it. There's no better moment than now to tell Yoongi how he feels. His heart is warm, his cheeks are bright pink, and his mind is in a good place. He takes a long, labored breath before sitting up in his bed, "Hyung?"
"Hm?"
"I have something to tell you," Jeongguk holds his breath after he says it. Now or never. Jeongguk's fingers shake as they run through his hair.
Yoongi doesn't seem to sense anything wrong, "Yeah? What is it?"
"Hyung, I love you," Jeongguk rushes into the next part before Yoongi can interrupt, "I'm-- I'm in love with you."
The tense, empty silence that comes after those words send a shiver of cold throughout his entire body. He can't even hear Yoongi's breathing, which means he's holding it. Jeongguk's too scared to open his mouth and speak, so he waits. Hopes the older isn't grossed out, hoping he's just too happy to speak right away.
"Oh, Guk.."
Those words are what pierce through his heart, has him crashing back down to the ground. The sympathy, the pity in Yoongi's voice, is not what he wanted. He doesn't want pity, he wants mutuality.
"Guk," Yoongi keeps going, sounding sadder than Jeongguk has ever heard him. He's crying before he can even process it, "I'm so sorry, Jeongguk, I just.. I don't see you like that, Gukkie. You're too young, I can't see you like that. Please don't hate me, I'm so sorry--"
Jeongguk blocks out everything around him, even Yoongi's voice directly in his ear. He's hyperventilating, shaky fingers pressing the End Call button, hands clutching the front of his shirt. He ignores the bright light of his lock screen, a flood of texts coming from Yoongi but his vision is too blurry to make out what even a word says, so he flips it over; his room getting swallowed by darkness the moment he does so.
He knew it. He fucking knew it was going to be like this, but he got his hopes up anyway. Jimin's words ring in his ears, loud and mocking. Don't get your hopes up, don't get your hopes up, but Jeongguk did it anyway, and now he's here. Crying and struggling to breathe because his entire body feels like it's shutting down. Jeongguk lays down, curls up, and sobs, breathing in loud hiccups like a broken record. He sobs until he physically has nothing left to cry, feeling pathetic for even thinking Yoongi would return his feelings.
After a solid two hours of crying, he's left feeling numb. His and Jimin's conversation replays in his head. You're inseparable, Jimin told him. Made him realize that just because Yoongi doesn't feel the same, doesn't mean their entire friendship would be ruined. It fucking hurts, obviously, and Jeongguk feels like his heart is in a million pieces, but he doesn't want to ever lose Yoongi. They pinkie promised. So he allows himself to relax the tiniest bit he can, and rolls over onto his back. He'll face Yoongi tomorrow. But right now, he can't. Not right now. Right now, Jeongguk closes his eyes and tries his best to sleep. Tries not to pay too much attention to his broken heart and the pain that burns in his chest.