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I hate to be reminded of the past. I hate to remember the weaker man I was.
It was mostly the disguise, after all. Even now, I’m wearing a face that isn’t mine. I’ve learned to trust no one. It is both my happiness and undoing. So far, I’ve come on top of all problems encountered, and compromised for an acceptable solution. Acceptable... To whom? Not me, not the other person involved, but to the imaginary codex of the society?
I’m truly sick of my present life. I need a push to change, but I also hate the fact that I may be dependent on another person or the convenient situation others will create. I hate asking for a favour, I feel humiliated if I cannot complete the task just by myself.
The only exceptions are knowledge and athletics, those I adore. To learn, move and understand requires my own abilities, it’s a challenge. I may not have the natural talent, but I will give my best to compensate with effort and technique.
“Muro-chin”, a sluggish voice interrupted my inner turmoil. “Why are you frowning? Something bothering you?”
There he was, lying on a sofa in my dorm room; a person I came to hate. A true genius, lazy and childish as fuck, Murasakibara Atsushi.
“Muro-chin?” he repeated after I ignored him.
“Sorry, Atsushi.” I flashed him a small, fake smile. “I guess I’m still a little irritated over the fact we lost to Seirin.”
“Hmm... You’re always keeping everything inside till the point of exploding, Muro-chin. It’s bad for your health.” He stretched his arm to grab a potato chips bag from the table near the sofa. “I was so surprised when you hit me in the middle of the game.”
Yes, unfortunately I’ve lost control that day and slapped him. The bastard was ready to give up the game, without any remorse. His mind was probably full of longing for junk food he constantly shoves in his face, so half an hour without anything to gnarl on was a torture. He can’t even keep training without a snack or two every 10 minutes. And yet on court, he can do anything he desires. He has all physical predispositions to become a legend in the world of basketball.
“Ah, you’re doing it again!” He pointed a potato chip towards me. “But, you’re staring at my face now. Did I do something?”
How perceptive of you. Yes, I’d like to strangle you with that snack you are holding but I don’t want to end up in a prison for the rest of my life.
“We need to train harder; I don’t want to lose a match again.” I avoided his gaze and made a Himuro-like statement.
Of course, I don’t blame him for losing; I am responsible as much as any other member of Yosen basketball club. Just, his nonchalance is really pissing me off!
“Ugh, booooring. Makes me wanna quit the club, I don’t like the pressure.”
“Atsushi, don’t say that. I’ll get angry again.”
“You’re already angry. Or rather, you’ve been like this the whole week.” He put the chips aside, moved from the sofa and slumped down on a floor next to me. “Muro-chin, I like it more when you smile.”
“You know what will make me smile.”
I’m not entirely sure, even after a year of knowing this guy, what exactly happens inside his mind. Sometimes, his wits surprise me, and in the next moment, I’m talking to a 5-year-old spoilt child. I can’t figure him out.
“Tsk, you’re no fun today.” He laid his head on my shoulder and snuggled close, glancing towards the book I was holding in my hands the whole time, but was unable to focus on reading.
It was weird, considering how Japanese usually avoid close contact. My life in America taught me many things and I’ve accepted the “clingy” way of communication Westerners have. Still, I breathed a sigh of relief upon returning to Japan. Too close is never a good thing.
Out of habit, I placed one of my hands on top of his head and petted him, feeling my resolve to hate fade a bit. His hair felt nice to touch, long and silky. He hasn’t had a decent haircut in a while. Everything about him was overgrown and overbearing.
“Muro-chin, you’re shaking. Are you cold?”
That’s not it, Atsushi. I’m just an envious idiot. Don’t concern yourself over me. Focus all of your attention to the training and I’ll feel a little better.
“Yeah, a bit.”
He suddenly embraced me with those big arms and I was reminded of our height difference. Now, it was me who looked like a spoilt child.
“You’re right Atsushi, quit basketball club and become my personal blanket. That would make me happy.”
He smirked at my half-hearted joke and squeezed me tighter.
“Nah, I would break you, Muro-chin. So, I’ll keep playing basketball.”
You’re already breaking me, even without doing anything. Your presence alone reminds me of the heights I will never be able to achieve, no matter how hard I try. The one crucial thing cannot obtain.
The Zone.
***
I thought nobody knew when my birthday was, yet somehow the secret got out. And now I’m in this mess. Fukui is glaring holes in me, although I’d gladly trade places with him.
“Look at that bunch of girls, Murasakibara! Himuro’s one lucky bastard! I don’t understand… Why do they always flock around him?”
That’s so funny – Fukui is trying to talk to Atsushi during the lunch. The food in school cafeteria is absolutely delicious and free for the members of the basketball club. There’s no way he can get anything coherent out of that guy.
“Mhmm...”
“Right, I forgot, you’re useless. But, what is his secret?”
“Muro-chin’s? You sure are obsessed with him lately.”
“Just shut up and eat if you have nothing better to say. On a second though, I’m going to the classroom, this is too painful to watch. See ya later.”
Today is supposed to be a special day, but I don’t feel excited at all. And why do these girls try to bribe me with presents? I’ve already declined every love confession. How low can you fall? I strongly dislike people with no dignity.
It took me couple of minutes to break free and join Atsushi at the dining table. Luckily, my “fan girls” never follow me there because they are too scared of him. He once snapped terribly for disturbing his meal.
“Here, Atsushi, you can have my share.” I pushed my plate towards him. “I don’t feel like eating.”
“Hmph, don’t blame me if you die of hunger.” he quickly shoved the food into his mouth, suspiciously ogling it, as if it would disappear any moment.
“I’ll eat something later.”
“And those are..?” purple eyes focused on the bag I got from girls.
“Birthday presents.”
“Are there any sweets?”
“Yeah, most of them are. But I can’t give any to you right now; it would be rude of me.”
“Muro-chin, you’re too kind. It makes me feel uneasy.”
After that, I watched him as he finished my meal as well. Where does he store tremendous amounts of food he eats? He’s not exercising enough to spend all those calories. Is he still growing? He’s too tall already.
“Nee, Muro-chin, wanna go for a walk?”
How rare, after lunch he usually sleeps in the classroom till the end of lectures. During the basketball practices, we all witness coach Araki yelling at him while writing letters of apology to other teachers. Not that his grades are bad, he’s just too lazy. And why am I thinking about him so much recently?
“Sure, let’s go.”
Today is October 30th. Our school, Yosen, is located in Tohoku Region of northern Honshu, so it gets very cold early in the autumn. The air smells like decaying leaves and fog. We are walking fast through the huge school yard in order to keep warm. Atsushi is leading me somewhere, or at least he appears so. He has a strangely determined look in his eyes. Is he feeling well?
“This place will do.” He stopped after we walked in silence for couple of minutes. There were no other students near. “Happy birthday, Muro-chin.” he took out a small box out of his uniform pocket and handed it to me.
He knew, too? But, I haven’t gotten him anything for his birthday, except usual snacks.
“Thank you, Atsushi. You surprised me, really.”
Shit, I don’t like to be indebted.
“Pay me back with that bag of goods.”
Is it possible that he saw right through my facade? No, he probably wants snacks as soon as possible.
“Of course, take it all. Can I open the present now?”
He nodded and snatched the bag from me, vigorously digging through the snacks. He pulled out Maiubo package and grinned. It was one of his favourites.
I looked at a small box in my hand, wondering what it was. Usually, people never guess my taste or interests (other than basketball related stuff) and I end up getting strange gifts. Like all those sweets; I don’t particularly enjoy snacks although I buy them a lot, for Atsushi. He runs out of pocket money fast and whines. Oh, well...
“Do you like it?”
I was just staring at the unwrapped present and no words could leave my mouth. My control was slipping away. What the hell?!
“A ring...?”
“Yeah,” his voice was drawled as usual. “The one you used to wear around your neck is gone. I thought it’s probably lost. You’re still trying to hold it sometimes, especially when you appear troubled. And when there is nothing to hold, the look in your eyes is painful, it upsets me.”
“So, this is just a replacement for that ring?”
“Nah.”
“What then? Does this ring have any special meaning?”
“How cold, Muro-chin. Or, are you angry? I’m not sure because your face is like a stone.”
Stay calm; maybe I do have an idea what he’s trying to do here. Am I that obvious? Do I really hate discarding the ring which bonded me to Taiga? I’ve set the terms and he defeated me in a fair fight. I don’t want to call him my brother anymore. He’s my rival now. I like it better this way! I had let go far more important things in my life. Twice, I had to leave everything behind and move across continents. He said it upsets him. But why? Does Atsushi see me as a pathetic wimp who cannot let go of the past so he’s trying, in his weird way, to encourage me to move on?
“I’m trying to say I’m not sure about the meaning of your ring.”
“Muro-chin can be an idiot sometimes.” He exhaled loudly and gave me a nasty look. “You’re hurting my feelings.”
“Feelings? Atsushi, what are you talking about?”
“This.”
In a flash, he got closer and pulled me in an embrace. I was once again reminded how fast he can move. His inhuman strength prevented me from pushing away so I could just stand there in awe. As my head barely reached his shoulder, I could clearly hear his heart beat. Strong and steady. Relaxing. His scent was familiar and sweet, due to snacks he ate earlier. Yes, he snuggles all the time and I allow him, since it doesn’t bother me. I like when he depends on me. Do I suffer from a superiority complex?!
“Muro-chin, do you like when I’m this close?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think I touch anyone else like this?”
“Probably not.”
“That’s right, I don’t. Now think about it.”
What’s there to think about? He is a cuddly person but picky about people? He’s not even friendly with all of our basketball club’s starting members. I’ve only heard him talk about one friend from his middle school and it sounded more like admiration, since Akashi Seijuro is an excellent basketball player. He is not interested in girls, or better said, generally in people. Except food and presumably basketball, is there anything else? Anyone except... me?
“Atsushi, I’m so sorry. I really am stupid.”
“Don’t worry, Muro-chin. I’m used to it.”
***
I woke up one Sunday morning and could not move an inch. Our school dorm was new and spacey; students on a sports program had each one room for themselves. But Atsushi preferred staying in my room for most of the days. He once said he disliked sleeping alone. He has a large family so I try to be understanding. Usually, he sleeps on the floor or on the sofa but last night the temperature outside dropped under zero (it is winter, after all) so he occupied my bed. I didn’t want to catch a cold so we shared. And now, I can’t untangle from his arms.
“Let go, I need to use the toilet.”
“Mmm... Muro-chin?”
“Hurry and move away.”
I also took a quick shower and brushed my teeth before returning to my room. Atsushi was still sleeping and looked so comfortable that I decided to return to the bed. I let him snuggle to me again. My bliss did not last long.
“Atsushi, go to your room and take care of it.”
“Hnn?” he murmured and tried to pull me closer but I resisted. It was funny because he was still half asleep.
“It’s hard.”
“What is?”
I slid my knee upwards and nudged his morning erection. His eyes opened in an instant. I barely contained my laughter.
“You are evil.” He frowned but made no attempt to move. “Leave me alone and it will go away.”
“Don’t tell me you’re too lazy even for this?”
I smirked in his face. He was too cute when irritated and I enjoyed teasing him. Of course, we had to be alone or otherwise his expression was just blank.
“So what if I am” he pouted a bit. “It doesn’t concern you.”
“It does, at least when you’re in my bed.”
“Well, I’m going to stay right here and fall asleep again. If you are that much bothered, give me a handjob.”
I was so surprised to hear him say the word “handjob” that I stared gawking at his face for a while. He questioningly raised his eyebrows.
“Your mouth is opened, Muro-chin. Does that mean you’d prefer giving me a blo...” he could not finish the sentence because I shoved a pillow in his face.
“Who are you?! Give me my pure and sweet Atsushi back!”
He easily pushed the pillow away, got to his knees and grabbed my arms, pulling me to the centre of the bed. The bastard then lifelessly dropped his body on top of me and pinned me down with his weight.
“Good night.”
“Not so fast.”
I had enough strength to lift him up (as long as he was not struggling) so I tossed him onto the floor. The downfall of this method was the speed of his reactions as he pulled me along, so I ended sitting on his lap.
“Ugh, drop it, Muro-chin!” he was visibly annoyed.
I probably crossed the line, it wouldn’t be funny if I had a hard-on and he was all over me. I had to discard my stupid perception of Atsushi; he’s not an innocent child. We’re both young men with rising sexual needs. The basketball took my mind off many things, but I still got horny every day, for the stupidest reason. Earlier today, I jerked off in the shower just for the fun of it.
“Atsushi, how often do you do it?”
I’m curious. He claims he leaves it alone but it’s a lie. It’s not that convenient, not every time.
“Not as often as you do.”
“Hm, you think so?”
“Oh, come on, Muro-chin, your body is constantly screaming “sex”. Haven’t you ever wondered why girls are all over you?”
“I want sex, all of the time?”
“I have to be careful every time I touch you.”
He’s afraid of girls’ retribution? But they’re scared of him. Well, that could be an even a bigger problem; if he has someone he likes, and that girl is afraid of him, of course it would be bad. Although, why would girls dislike him if he touched me?
I decided not to force the conversation further but sleep instead. It was too early and too cold. Atsushi climbed back to the bed and turned his face towards the wall.
***
Soon, the semester ended and most of the student went back to their homes for a winter break. My parents were still in America, so I had no choice but to stay. Other basketball club members also stayed behind, it was a good opportunity for more training. We were all working hard; the qualifications for Interhigh will start in less than 4 months.
We had a day off on New Year and evening before Atsushi somehow managed to convince teachers to allow us having a kotatsu in the dorm room. In my room, to be more specific. We should just swap if he likes sleeping here more.
It was almost midnight and I was half asleep. Earlier in the evening, other team members joined us briefly but everybody was exhausted and went to bed. Only Atsushi was wide awake and kept himself busy by peeling tangerines and eating them in large quantities. Occasionally, I tried to steal one. It was a comfortable silence.
“Muro-chin, happy New Year”, Atsushi suddenly spoke as I was dosing off.
“Already? Happy New, Atsushi” I smiled. “What would you like to do for the first time this year?”
“Hmm, we can’t go to the temple.”
True, snow was falling nonstop for hours and the roads were blocked.
“Then, the first tangerine of the year?” I suggested, as there was nothing much to do.
“Muro-chin, don’t move.”
He got up and crawled around the kotatsu, settling behind me. His large arms enveloped my body and he rested his head on my shoulder.
“What’s this? The first cuddle of the year?”
“Eh? Not enough for you? Wanna kiss?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
Lately, we teased each other to the limit of awkwardness. He’d always back off first. It was cute.
“If I kissed you for real, would you hit me?”
“I can’t, you’re holding my arms.”
He released his grip and urged me to turn around and face him. I was having difficulties reading his expression. His right hand touched my face, fingertips sliding across my skin. It was such a gentle touch, I shivered.
“Can I?”
Is he serious? Will he really kiss me!?
“I don’t know. Can you?”
His eyes are burning; it’s hard for me to look at him. What is this strange feeling?
“Baaaaaka!”, he suddenly snickered. “Relax, I won’t do it.”
But I want you to - the words almost escaped my mouth. I’m feeling constant tension between us. It has to manifest, one way or another. I need to know, are we just friends, teammates … or more?
It was an impulse of both curiosity and agitation; I reached up, caught his face with my hands and crashed our lips together.
Suddenly I froze, unable to breathe. The snow was silently falling outside and pilling up on the windowsill. The TV in the room was on, slightly buzzing. His lips tasted sour sweet due to fruit he ate earlier.
Shit, what am I doing?!!
He lifted his arm from around my waist and grabbed my hair, pulling me away and separating us. He looked furious.
“Muro-chin” we were still close, I could feel his breath on my face. “I don’t like this. Don’t kiss me if you’re not serious about it.”
“And what if I am?”
Why am I so stupid?! Unable to tell him honestly how I feel? At this point, what is there to lose?
“Coward.” He released my hair and looked away. “I thought you were more grown up.”
Grown up?! Why did he assume I had experience in this area? Even worse, I probably like a person of my own sex, it’s not something you can admit that easily.
“Well, I’m not. This is a first for me. Sorry if I've upset you.”
I made a movement to get up but he didn’t let me. His droopy eyes were wide open and he was staring at me intently.
“Muro-chin is a virgin?”
What’s with that question!?
“Of course I am!”
“How strange... “
“Why? Aren’t you?”
“Na-ah”, he smirked. “But I haven’t done it with a guy yet.”
Yet?! Is he for real? Or am I so blind that I couldn’t comprehend beyond the obvious? I felt the blush creeping up my cheeks. Have I ever tried to understand who this person truly is, or was I just focused on my jealousy?
“Ahhhhh, it can’t be helped”, Atsushi sighted and closed the distance between us once again. He didn’t kiss me, just held me in his arms. “I’ll wait so take your time.”
“Thanks, Atsushi.”
~fin