Chapter Text
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Atsushi heaves a sigh as he finally reaches a peaceful zone: the trustworthy green couch of the Agency. It’s the only thing that will never betray him. Atsushi hugs the couch, smooshing his face against the cushion.
It’s been a rather stressful day, mostly because his usual restaurant runs out of chazuke for lunch. Oh, and he’s had to play errand boy and act as a liaison between the Port Mafia and the Agency.
On paper it’s a pretty straightforward job: he just has to go to the Port Mafia’s swanky office headquarters, ignore the judging looks of the security guards over his ratty sneakers, wait for their liaison to give him the package, then scurry back to the Agency. Of course, it all goes to shit because someone up there (like, literally: the Port Mafia Boss’s office is apparently at the topmost floor) thought it’d be a swell idea to have Akutagawa “don’t even breathe at me, jinko” Ryuunosuke be the person bearing the package that has to be transported.
Okay, so he might be exaggerating just a little bit. Just a little. Because Akutagawa actually looked a whole lot less unpleasant today. In fact, he actually looked happy. Which is part of Atsushi’s problem, because his knee-jerk reaction to seeing a small smile on Akutagawa’s face is to transform to a tiger and then jump on Akutagawa so he can lick his smile. Of course, Akutagawa’s knee-jerk reaction to any sort of affection is to stab it, which ends up with Atsushi and Akutagawa having to battle in the first floor of the Mori Corporation Headquarters.
The battle itself actually gets cut short, because the two of them are literally held apart, mid-air, like some squabbling babies being held high by their so-done-with-this-shit parent. Chuuya-san’s never going to be tall enough to hold them by their necks to keep them from clawing at each other (or licking each other’s smile, if Atsushi and his tiger get their way) but he’s an innovative man who uses his Ability to just float them near the ceiling while they both hiss and snarl at each other and use up their energy.
After that, it’s been pretty smooth-sailing: because Atsushi’s really just there to get the packages from the Port Mafia. They’ve declined to participate in the party – supposedly out of loyalty to their boss who’s disinvited from Dazai-san’s birthday party. They’ve also declined in participating in the actual reason for the party – the bet to find out who can give the gift that can make Dazai-san react. Well, that doesn’t sound very charitable. They’re also planning to celebrate Dazai-san’s birthday itself, but everyone’s really very eager about winning the ever-growing pot of winnings. After all, nobody’s been able to win the betting for guessing Dazai-san’s previous occupation.
Speaking of the party…
“Atsushi-kun, let’s goooooooo!” Dazai-san chirps rather enthusiastically as he interrupts Atsushi’s cuddling session with the couch. “I can’t wait to see all of your gifts to me!”
Atsushi heaves another sigh.
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Tanizaki’s apartment gets volunteered to host the party, mostly because everyone’s scared of sneaking around their place in fear of seeing any of the things Naomi talks blatantly about at work. Their neighbors are also apparently used enough to loud noises coming from the apartment so it’s fine for them if they end up drunkenly singing at the top of their lungs, or something. Nobody asks for clarification about the loud noises and Atsushi did not survive the orphanage, Shibusawa, the orphanage director, teenage angst and becoming a pincushion for Rashomon just to die from information overload and mortification.
Tanizaki’s apartment also has the admirable quality of only being two streets away from the Agency office, which means that if something gets blown up or if they get attacked by some rogue Ability user(s) or if Dazai-san ends up orchestrating a truly spectacular suicide attempt (as though to make up for the past year of not doing anything like it), they’ll easily be able to jump back to the office and use the disaster bunker there.
They carry the food and drinks and Dazai’s gifts to the apartment and they get settled on various surfaces as they form a lopsided circle around Dazai-san, both in an effort to protect the apartment from Dazai-san’s inquisitive nature and… that’s it actually. Nobody wants to chance Dazai-san snooping around then finding one of Naomi’s… toys. Atsushi really doesn’t want to know. Knowledge is power and his one remaining brain cell is on a state of constant surrender.
Everyone has decided that whoever wins this wins the entire betting pot. Ranpo-san, because of his Ability, will be the judge on which is Dazai-san’s best reaction. (Ranpo-san had also complained about why he needs to give Dazai-san a present, so everyone just agreed to take him out of the bet.) Atsushi eagerly volunteers to be first to give his gift – the surprise factor is important. The betting pot guarantees him thrice-daily chazuke meals using premium genmaicha, he’s taking this seriously.
“Dazai-san, happy 25th birthday!”
Atsushi eagerly watches Dazai-san opens his gift.
“…Oh.” Dazai-san looks a bit surprised, then he grins. He coos over a copy of his favorite book, The Complete Guide to Suicide, with a note from Atsushi that says: I would get you the author’s autographed version, but he followed his book to the letter, so have an ink-stamp of my tiger’s paw instead, Dazai-san! “Thank you, Atsushi-kun!”
Kunikida-san looks surprised at his gift. Atsushi thought very hard about what to give Dazai-san that he can surely enjoy and can hopefully surprise him; he thought that Dazai-san wouldn’t be expecting the book to come from him, but the surprise is pretty mild on Dazai-san’s face.
Naomi gives Dazai a set of handcuffs. They exchange leers over it. Nobody asks anything related to the gift. Tanizaki gifts Dazai with a set of winter gloves even though summer’s just starting.
Kunikida-san follows it with an office stationery set, which Dazai-san complains about because he’s not liking Kunikida-san’s unsubtle nudge at him to take paperwork more seriously. To prevent Kunikida-san’s blood pressure from spiking and therefore leading him to need medical attention—medical attention that she’s not about to give because she plans on boozing up—Yosano-san interrupts and hands over her gift: a loop of velvet red ropes. At first, Atsushi thinks that she’s gifting Dazai-san with something that could be used as a noose, but judging from their matching smirks… Atsushi squints. Well, it’s still possible that it can be used as a noose…
Haruno-san gifts him with a bottle of sake, because it’s apparently on Dazai-san’s entrance records that he enjoys sake. Lucy-chan gifts Dazai-san with a knitting set, telling him that he can try learning it instead of flirting with the waitresses at the restaurant downstairs of the Agency office. Kyouka-chan’s offering is a gift certificate to happy hour on her favorite crepe shop, something that Dazai-san accepts with a gentle smile on his face. Ranpo-san indicates that Kyouka-chan’s on the lead right now.
Kenji lugs with him a boxful of canned crabs and Dazai-san’s happiness is actually fairly obvious this time, so Kenji immediately dislodges Kyouka-chan from the throne.
Fukuzawa-san gives Dazai-san a container filled with cat food.
“President… I don’t have a cat.”
Fukuzawa-san’s serious expression doesn’t waver. “Then feel free to join me anytime, while I feed my cat.”
“…President, you don’t have a cat either…”
But Dazai-san is smiling, just a bit. Atsushi figures that it’s more of the offer of bonding time that really matters. Or Fukuzawa-san just really needs a chaperone as he tries to buy a cat.
Poe-san shuffles in to hand a novel over to Dazai-san, promising him that he’s written it with him in mind. Dazai-san peruses the book and looks at Poe-san with surprise.
Dazai-san’s eyes are wide as he reads the book’s words. “…Did Ranpo-san…?”
“Yes, I helped him!” Ranpo-san declares haughtily. “It’s only possible because it’s a combination of our abilities!”
“That's true, Ranpo-kun!”
“So you’re disqualified,” Yosano-san declares, which is a relief for everyone because Poe-san would have surely won that round.
With those words, Ranpo-san complains and pouts and is immediately fawned over by Poe-san. Without a judge, they decide to let Dazai-san open the presents from the Port Mafia, because they’re not part of the betting pool anyway.
Akutagawa’s present is first to be opened – an expensive-looking watch that Atsushi’s totally not jealous about. Dazai-san simply hums at it, inspecting it this way and that and looking disappointed that it’s not booby-trapped. Higuchi’s present is for some Bluetooth-headset and Atsushi’s totally not jealous that the Port Mafia folks are practically rolling around in riches, able to buy such expensive presents. Tachihara-san’s gift is some expensive-looking handkerchief set that’s framed inside a gold-gilded container. Kajii-san sends over a crate of lemons and Kenji offers to use them to make lemonades for everyone.
Elise-chan apparently sends over a coloring book plus a picture drawing of Dazai-san. Dazai-san lights a fire over the next two gifts (a formal letter inviting Dazai-san back to the Port Mafia from Mori-san, a handwritten letter from Q asking Dazai-san to meet him at the pit). The fire alarm doesn’t sound and Atsushi’s the tiniest bit worried about apartment safety.
Hirotsu-san’s gift is a desk calendar that is already fully-marked with someone’s schedule. Dazai-san actually grins when he receives it. Atsushi’s very thankful that the Port Mafia is out of the betting pool. Dazai-san’s grin widens further when he opens Gin-san’s present: an envelope that houses a couple of pictures of someone… drooling? They look very unflattering, but Dazai-san snatches them up and hides the pictures inside his coat quickly so Atsushi, even with his super-senses, isn’t able to determine the identity of the person in the photos. Atsushi just hopes they’re not blackmail material on the Agency members, hopes against hope that he’s not that drooling guy on the picture.
Ozaki-san’s gift is an ornate tea ceremony set, something that she’s apparently opted to mail directly to the Agency instead of trusting Atsushi to carry it. It’s a wise choice, because it looks like it would never survive Atsushi’s walk down the neighborhood. Dazai-san’s expression is quite soft, like the tea set is a symbol of something else entirely.
There’s only one gift left—and just about on time, because Ranpo-san’s back (oh, when did he leave? either way, Poe-san’s with him and they’re both looking quite flushed).
It’s a small box.
There’s no card or any indication about the sender of the gift.
Atsushi hears Naomi placing bets with Yosano-san and Lucy-san as to whether it’s an engagement ring or an apartment key. Kyouka-chan joins their avid whispering by saying that she heard from Ozaki-san that Dazai-san isn’t actually in a relationship so it’s unlikely that it’s a ring.
Dazai-san opens the box, seemingly in trance, not paying attention to anyone else.
And he—
Are those tears?!
Atsushi’s mystified and terrified about the chances of an apocalypse suddenly encroaching upon the world. There’s a tear that escapes Dazai-san’s eye, but the open wonders on his face is more than enough to scream a spectrum of emotions. Atsushi can only watch Dazai-san clutch the gift close to his chest as he sprints away from the apartment, leaving a group of colleagues gaping at his back.
“…As expected,” Ranpo-san says smugly.
Atsushi cries out, “It’s not expected at all, Ranpo-san!”
“Of course Fancy Hat will give the gift that can make him react a lot.”
“But what is that gift?”
“It’s a fishing lure.”
“…a fishing lure?” Atsushi tilts his head. “Does Dazai-san like fishing that much?”
Ranpo-san shrugs.
Atsushi just sighs, disappointed that nobody wins the bet about Dazai-san, once again.
“…Let’s just get drunk,” Yosano-san suggests, already on her way to her fourth drink. “To Dazai! May he get laid on his 25th birthday! Kanpai!”
— — — — —
Red hair splayed out like spider lilies over the grains of sand that can never be counted, tiny in their size but grand in their scope, Nakahara Chuuya lands on the shore like a beached whale. He’s such a tiny ball, a force of nature. He evolves from a wayward god to a fearsome beast to a flaming lion to a rebellious sheep to a battering ram to a burnt eagle to a gutted fish. And now, with Dazai Osamu’s leather heels an inch away from being able to step in and scoop out blood and flesh from the knife wound on Chuuya’s back, now he’s a dog.
Dazai tests the words and finds that he enjoys their taste: “I look forward to having you as my dog, Chuuya.”
“Isn’t it grand…” Chuuya’s bark is mumbled but still very much toothed, if only blunted by fatigue and the poison on his wounds. “Now you’ve caught me, you devil.”
— — — — —
Chuuya’s gift: a fishing lure.
It’s stacked too heavily to be actually useful for use in fishing, but it’s not like Dazai’s planning to use it to actually bait anything—or anyone else.
The fishing lure’s components:
- red locks braided together – Chuuya’s hair that he takes good care of, to the point that he has no qualms in breaking arms of people who disregard his wishes about having it touched
- a vial of blood, deep red, fresh and not yet coagulated – Chuuya’s blood that multiple organizations around the world would give out an arm and leg to get hold of, given that he’s still the most successful result of experiments
- strips of pale red, old, tattered cloth – the cloth from Chuuya’s prized hat that Chuuya guards ferociously with his life
Chuuya’s been caught and he’s handing over the spoils to Dazai.