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“You need to call your brother and let him know, too!” Carole says happily, smiling hugely at Finn and then turning her smile on Puck. “We’ll all celebrate when he comes home the next time. It’s only a few more weeks. I still wish I had been there, but I’m so happy for you two!”
“Thanks, Mom,” Finn says. “I’m happy for me, too.”
“I’m so glad you at least have a few pictures,” Carole adds. “It’s good that you didn’t go to Chicago like you said some of the frat brothers were doing, Finn. The weather was horrible here and in Indiana and Illinois. Accidents and even a few train derailments!”
“It was kinda cold in Atlantic City, but no trains, at least,” Finn says.
“Wasn’t that cold,” Puck says, grinning at Finn.
“Well, not inside,” Finn says.
“You two!” Carole says. “Burt, they can use your laptop to talk to Kurt, right?”
“If it’ll get them to knock it off with the talk? Yeah,” Burt says.
“Oh, we can give them a week before we start complaining,” Carole says, getting up from the table and walking into the other room to get Burt’s laptop before setting it down between Finn and Puck.
“I think we get a year,” Puck insists. “We get to use the ‘newlywed’ thing for a year.”
“Yeah, Mom. We’re newlyweds! We have to do newlywed stuff.”
Carole shakes her head and rolls her eyes a little, but she’s still smiling, and then she points to the computer. “Go on and call your brother.”
“Okay, Mom,” Finn says. He tugs Puck in the direction of the laptop. “You want to take it into another room?”
Puck shrugs. “Sure, that’s fine.”
Finn takes the laptop, tucking it under one arm, and without letting go of Puck, he steers them both upstairs to Finn’s old bedroom. Once they’ve closed the door behind them, Finn grins widely at Puck.
“So, honeymoon is over, but we’re still allowed to be newlyweds,” Finn says. “That means we should have a quickie before we Skype Kurt.”
“Yeah, we should,” Puck says, “but I know your mom. She’ll be up here in five or ten minutes, and she’ll open the door to see if we’re doing what she told us to do or not.”
“So? We’re married.”
Puck grins. “Yeah, but that means I have to make a good impression on my mother-in-law.”
“But dude, she’s known you since you were five,” Finn says.
“Yeah, but that was, you know…” Puck trails off and shrugs, then sits down on Finn’s old bed and grabs Finn’s hand, pulling him towards the bed. “I have to make sure she forgets I got both of us kicked out of Tiger Cubs.”
“I don’t think she's ever gonna forget you blew up a whole ten pound bag of potatoes,” Finn says. “They were her potatoes.”
Puck shrugs. “Yeah, but it did look as awesome as I promised, right?”
Finn laughs, remembering how much air those potatoes got when their attempt at making a potato gun accidentally resulted in a makeshift pipebomb with potato shrapnel. “Yeah, it definitely looked awesome.”
“Boys!” Carole calls out, her voice slowly getting closer. “Were you able to reach Kurt?”
“Oh my god, Mom! I’m talking to my husband!” Finn shouts back. “Like married people do.”
“Married people also tell their families they’re married!” Carole yells back through the door, then opens it and smiles at them. “Call your brother, Finn.”
“Fine!” Finn yells back at her as she closes the door again. He opens the laptop and clicks on Skype, then clicks on Kurt’s name. Kurt’s face appears on the screen, though he’s looking off to the side, not directly at the screen.
“Hi, Dad,” Kurt says. “I didn’t ex— oh.” As he actually looks at the screen, he smiles. “Hi, Finn. I definitely wasn’t expect to hear from you!”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Finn says.
“Nothing to apologize for,” Kurt says. “What’s up? How’s school going?”
“Puck’s here, too,” Finn says, putting his arm around Puck and pulling him in front of the screen so Kurt can see him. “Say hi,” Finn prompts Puck.
Puck snorts. “Hey, Kurt,” he says, then grins at Finn.
“Hello, Puck,” Kurt says, now starting to look slightly suspicious. “I don’t mean to be rude, but is there a reason you two are calling me?”
“Wellllllll,” Finn says. “Yeah. Mom said I had to. I mean, not that I don’t like to talk to you or anything!”
“Dude, you’re going to make him think something’s wrong,” Puck says with a laugh. “Nothing’s wrong. And he does like to talk to you. He was going to call you on Friday, but we got distracted.”
“Okay,” Kurt answers warily. “So, what did you need to tell me?”
“I got married,” Finn says.
“What?” Kurt replies.
“Yeah. I got married,” Finn repeats. “To Puck.”
“What?” Kurt says again, louder this time.
“Yep, it’s true,” Puck says, and he holds up his left hand before picking up Finn’s and displaying it. “See? Rings and everything. We were in Jersey, so it’s legal.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Kurt says, and even though his voice does at least drop down to a normal volume again, he still looks flustered. “Finn, if I might remind you, you’re the straight brother!”
“Oops?” Finn offers, shrugging.
“There’s a quota system?” Puck says. “I’d better let Jake know.”
“Finn has never shown any interest in men in his entire life,” Kurt insists. “Were you drunk, Finn?”
“No, and before you even ask, yeah, we totally had lots of sex, so we aren’t getting it annulled,” Finn says. “And I’m not supposed to be interested in any other men. I’m married now!”
“I’m getting us t-shirts made,” Puck says thoughtfully. “That way people will read them instead of asking about getting it annulled.”
“This doesn’t make any sense at all,” Kurt says.
“Which part?” Finn asks. “The wedding part? We didn’t do anything fancy, so you didn’t miss out.”
“No, not the wedding part,” Kurt says. “The part where you’re suddenly gay and married to Puck!”
“I didn’t say I was gay, I just said I married Puck,” Finn says, frowning.
“I can’t believe you!” Kurt says. “What did your mother say?”
“She was happy,” Finn says.
“I find that difficult to believe,” Kurt retorts.
“She was glad we came over for dinner, and she says that once you’re back in Lima, we’ll all celebrate,” Finn says. “Seriously, she’s excited for me!”
“Yeah, the pictures really helped,” Puck says. “C’mon, Kurt, you get an awesome brother-in-law out of this.”
“I wasn’t prepared for a brother-in-law, period,” Kurt says, crossing his arms and making that sorta-pissy about-to-blow-up face.
“Surprise!” Finn says, at which point Kurt’s face gets really red and his mouth presses down into an angry line.
“And now we have to leave,” Puck breaks in. “And go do married people things, because we’re married. That means we have married things to do. Like sex.”
“Bye!” Finn says, then disconnects the call and closes the laptop. “Okay, Kurt is not as happy for us as Mom and Burt are.”
“I guess we did take his slot in line or whatever, but they haven’t even set a date,” Puck says with a shrug. “C’mon, I was serious, we have married people things to do.”
“Like sex,” Finn says, grinning at Puck and waggling his eyebrows. Puck returns the grin and grabs Finn’s hand.
“Yeah. Leave the laptop, and let’s go.”
It’s only a little strange for Kurt to Skype with his dad and Carole on a Tuesday evening, and Rachel doesn’t really think about it after the call starts, not until she hears a loud “What?” from Kurt’s bedroom area. She stops what she’s doing and pulls out her earbuds, straining to hear what’s seemingly upset Kurt, but he doesn’t say anything else nearly that loudly. In fact, he seems to be whispering or at the least trying to speak very quietly. Rachel frowns, but after ten or so minutes, she hears Kurt calling someone— probably Blaine—and this outburst is also loud.
“My brother got married!”
Rachel can feel her eyes widen, and she stands up as quietly as she can, creeping closer to Kurt, but then his voice drops again, and she can’t make out any details. She presses her hand to her chest, feeling like she might hyperventilate, or outright faint. Finn, her Finn, married? She knows some people would say that she doesn’t have the right to think of Finn as hers, not anymore, but she still feels like they’ll find their way back to each other. Well, now there’s an additional obstacle of getting a marriage annulled, but she’s still sure that she and Finn will have their happy ending.
For now, though, she needs more details on this alleged wedding of Finn’s: how it happened, who it’s to, when it happened, and, as much as another person can give a reason, why. She doesn’t want Kurt to know she was eavesdropping; clearly, he had a reason for calling someone instead of coming out and talking to her. If Rachel’s right about Kurt calling Blaine specifically, she can’t very well call Blaine, at least not yet. She can’t call Finn directly, nor Carole, which leaves only one person. Rachel hurriedly grabs her phone and her purse without saying a word to Kurt, leaving the loft and going directly to the nearby coffeehouse, where she sits in a corner with a chai latte.
“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” she mutters, staring at her phone as it rings. “If anyone knows, it’ll be you.”
“Go for Puck,” comes the answer, and Rachel exhales, feeling more relieved already.
“Noah! I was hoping to reach you,” Rachel says brightly.
There’s a pause, and then Noah starts talking again, sounding confused. “Rachel?”
“Noah, I just heard the most startling news, and I was hoping you’d be able to shed some light on it for me. Now, I overheard Kurt saying that his brother got married. Is it true? Did Finn really get married?”
“Why didn’t you just ask Kurt?” Noah says slowly.
“He was still on the phone,” Rachel says, maybe more defensively than she intends. “I just have so many questions, and I knew you would be able to answer them. For instance, when?”
“Over the weekend.” Noah’s voice sounds oddly guarded, and Rachel can’t figure out why, unless he’s equally unhappy with Finn making such a seemingly precipitous decision. “And in anticipation of your next question, no, not Valentine’s Day. And as far as your next question, Atlantic City, and no, not drunk.”
Rachel sits back, abandoning all attempts to sip at her chai latte. “Noah, are you telling me that Finn went to Atlantic City with the intent to get married?” she asks, feeling like her voice cannot properly convey her incredulity.
“Uh, no,” Noah says. “I’m saying that that’s where it was.”
“I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone!” Rachel bursts out, feeling close to crying.
“It was, you know… a low key thing.” Noah pauses mid-sentence, and Rachel can hear him whispering to someone once he finishes.
“Are you with Finn now?” Rachel says. “I suppose there will be moving to do soon, though? Out of the dorm and into an apartment or similar?”
“Yeah, that’s the plan,” Noah says, “and yeah. Did you want to interrogate him yourself?”
Rachel can feel herself flushing, and she’s doubly glad she’s asking Noah via the phone and not Kurt in person or Finn directly. “No, that’s not necessary. Just—would you tell me one more thing?”
“What is it, Rachel?” Noah asks with a deep sigh.
“Who is she?” Rachel asks. “I suppose I don’t have a right to ask, but—who is she?”
There’s utter silence from Noah for at least thirty seconds, and Rachel checks to make sure they’ve not been disconnected while her mind tries to conjure up who it could be. Finally, there’s sound from the other end of the line, but Noah doesn’t say a word, just starts laughing.
“Rachel,” he gasps after enough laughter that Rachel feels exasperated. “You know New Jersey’s got marriage equality, right?”
“Well, yes, of course, I’m aware, but what does—” Rachel breaks off and gasps. “Noah, are you saying he married a man? Who was it? Mr. Schuester didn’t leave Ms. Pillsbury for Finn, did he?”
“What?” Noah says, and Rachel can almost hear him shaking his head. “That’s disgusting, Rachel. I thought you realized since you called me.”
“Realized what?”
“Rachel. It’s me. Finn married me. I married Finn.”
Rachel starts to laugh until she realizes that Noah’s not laughing, and he sounded quite serious. “Noah, this isn’t a laughing matter.”
“And you’re the only one laughing,” Noah says. “I’m telling you, it’s me. We just had dinner with the in-laws, and Carole had Finn Skype with Kurt. I don’t know what happened in New York after that, but Finn and I came back home.”
“You know that you and Finn can have the marriage annulled,” Rachel begins, but Noah interrupts her before she can detail the requirements.
“No, we can’t,” Noah says smugly. “And we’re not getting a divorce, either, and that’s really rude, anyway. You should say ‘congratulations’ when you call a newly-married couple.”
“You—you’re intending to stay married?” Rachel asks, her voice dropping.
“Yeah, we are.” Noah pauses and then sighs. “I have things to do, Rachel. Don’t bother calling until you’re ready to stop suggesting annulments and shit.” With that, the call ends, and Rachel is left staring at her phone as she sits in the coffeeshop, cold chai latte in front of her.
She sits there for so long that the coffeeshop closes, and the workers have to ask her to leave, and all she can think about is slipping into the loft quietly enough that Kurt, nor Blaine if he’s home, won’t ask her any questions. She’ll be more ready for questions by the morning.
Puck snorts and shakes his head as he ends the call from Rachel, then turns his phone to vibrate and tosses it onto his jacket on the floor. “I’m not answering the rest of the night,” he announces. “Rachel called to pump me for information about who you’d married. When you’d gotten married. Where you’d gotten married.”
When the phone had rung, Puck had almost ignored it. He hadn’t recognized the number, but it had seemed possible that Jake could be using Marley’s phone or Ryder’s phone, or hell, Adriana could have gotten a phone. The area code had been Ohio, and he knew it wasn’t Kurt’s number, so he’d answered it, but as soon as he’d heard Rachel’s voice, he’d regretted it.
Her questions, even in retrospect, had seemed to indicate she knew it was Puck who had married Finn, who is still married to Finn, up until the moment Rachel had asked who she was, Finn’s mysterious spouse. Puck had laughed, because there isn’t really any other response to someone thinking your husband is married to some random girl. Especially, Puck thinks, when it’s clear that Puck’s the obvious choice, if you look at things from an equal-opportunity perspective and not at marriage as a only-girls-need-apply job.
Puck shakes his head again as he keeps talking. “At first I thought she knew, since she was just asking for details, but then she asked me who ‘she’ was, the person you’d married.”
Finn starts to laugh. “Did you tell her the ‘she’ was you?”
“Oh, yeah. She already wasn’t happy, and then she started talking about getting it annulled.” Puck shakes his head. “Do we just look like people who want an annulment or something?”
“I think we look like people who would probably be having sex right now if Rachel hadn’t called us,” Finn says.
“Well, yeah. Did you hang up the checklist?”
“Yeah, it’s on the mini-fridge,” Finn says, waving in the direction of the fridge. “See? It’s taped on.”
“So much sex, so little time,” Puck says. “We could always move it to the door, just to give everyone else a warning.”
“I was thinking of printing out a sign that says ‘beware of married people fucking’,” Finn says. “Only I’d probably put some stars instead of all the letters of ‘fucking’ so it’s still polite enough to hang up.”
“Considerate.” Puck grins as a thought comes to him. “At least the guys at the frat will believe us!”
“Yeah, I think they had us figured out before we did!”
“We still figured it out,” Puck says. “Before it was too late.” He pauses. “I’m not sure what ‘too late’ would be though. I guess if one of us really had gotten drunk and married someone else.”
Finn’s face scrunches into a grimace. “Oh, that would’ve sucked.””
“Yeah, ‘cause then you would’ve been miserable, and I would have been jealous, and we probably would have ended up fighting a lot.”
“Hey!” Finn protests. “Why’s it me who has the drunk wedding? Maybe it’d be you, and then I would be jealous!”
Puck shrugs. “I don’t know, it just seemed like you’d be more vulnerable. But it didn’t happen, and now we have rings on, too.”
Finn grumbles something that sounds suspiciously like “vulnerable, my ass,” rolling away from Puck.
“You don’t get drunk that often!” Puck points out, talking to Finn’s back. “You might not be coherent.”
“Hmph.”
“Does this count as a fight?” Puck asks. “‘Cause if it does, we get to have make-up sex.”
Finn rolls back towards Puck, smiling now instead of being grumpy. “Yeah, I think that was definitely a fight. Let’s have our first married-people make-up sex.”
Puck grins and puts his arm around Finn. “Yeah, that sounds awesome.”
Rachel waits until Blaine has left for class, smiling a little to herself that she and Kurt don’t have early-morning freshmen classes anymore. She hasn’t heard Kurt speak at all, and she feels like both of them are dressing more quietly than usual. Then she emerges from her bedroom area, fixes a fresh pot of tea, and sits down in front of Kurt, face serious. “Kurt?” she says tentatively.
“Yes, Rachel?” Kurt’s tone is terse, and his too-tight grip on his coffee mug suggests he isn’t interested in conversation.
“I was worried last night,” Rachel begins, “so I made a phone call. I, ah. I know about Finn.” She stops short of saying explicitly what she knows, because she can’t quite bring herself to say ‘married’ out loud.
“Ugh!” Kurt says, setting down his coffee mug so hard that coffee sloshes over the side. “Can you believe him?”
“I didn’t know there was something like that between them,” Rachel says, shaking her head slowly. “So precipitous!”
“He has some nerve!” Kurt says, his tone indicating he agrees fully with Rachel.
“And even if he wanted a quick wedding, why Noah of all people?” Rachel supposes she can’t criticize too much the haste of the wedding, not when she had once planned a quick wedding with Finn.
“All those years of being straight, and suddenly he up and decides to be gay with Puck?” Kurt says. “Why now? Why not, oh, I don’t know, any other time before now?”
“I don’t think he’s gay,” Rachel says, tentatively at first, though she sounds more firm by the end of the sentence. “There’s no way he can be gay. I’m sure it’s just a temporary—well, I hate to call it a delusion, but I’m sure you understand my meaning.”
“Oh, he’s delusional, alright,” Kurt says. “I mean, Puck. Puck. Why would he elope with Puck?”
“Maybe Noah tricked him into it,” Rachel says. “I hate to think horrible things about Noah, you know I do, but getting married in Atlantic City doesn’t seem very surprising for him.” She pauses. “Though if pressed, I would have actually selected Las Vegas as the most likely destination for nuptials for him.”
“Of course Atlantic City would be Puck’s idea,” Kurt says.
Rachel sighs. “Noah insists they aren’t getting an annulment, that they’re going to stay married. I can’t believe it. Poor Finn.”
“Well, I can’t see Finn being the one to plan a wedding so close to mine,” Kurt says, sighing as he leans back against his chair. “I mean, he knows we’re sending the invitations out soon!”
“Do you think Noah got Finn drunk first?” Rachel says, finally picking up her tea. “Or… or… blackmailed him somehow?”
“I think you’re giving him a little too much credit,” Kurt huffs.
“Then why would Finn do it?” Rachel asks. “You surely don’t think Finn actually decided to marry Puck on his own!”
“No, maybe not, but maybe he was trying to do Puck a favor or help him in some way.”
Rachel frowns. “Maybe Noah wanted… no, health insurance doesn’t really make sense. I can’t see Noah being particularly concerned about health insurance, either. What are you going to do, Kurt? What do your dad and Carole think?”
“He said that Carole, at least, was excited,” Kurt says.
“Excited?” Rachel repeats, feeling incredulous once again. “So they’re actually supporting this, this… farce?” She shakes her head. “I can’t imagine how you must feel, Kurt, the two of them treating so casually a right so many fought for.”
“It feels like they’re just pulling some kind of elaborate prank,” Kurt says. “Couldn’t they have waiting a few months, even if this isn’t a joke? Couldn’t they just let us have our day first?”
“I’m so sorry, Kurt,” Rachel says sympathetically. “You should see if they’re willing to at least keep it quiet for a few more months.” Before Kurt can respond, the screen of Rachel’s phone flashes on, and she glances at it quickly before her eyes widen and she picks it up to stare at it, mildly horrified. “Or… not,” she says weakly. “Finn changed his relationship status to married.”
“Ugh!” Kurt exclaims. “This isn’t fair!”
“It really isn’t,” Rachel says. “What do you want me to do, Kurt? I’m with you, one hundred percent.”
“I think we should just carry on as if none of this nonsense really happened,” Kurt says. “I’ll sit down with Finn in person and ask him why he’s doing this. Until then, it’s business as usual.”
Rachel nods. “Okay, Kurt. If that’s what you want to do, that’s what we’ll do.”
Four weeks end up passing between when Finn and Puck get married and when Kurt arrives back in Lima for spring break, which is when Carole makes plans for them to have a family celebration. Burt, Finn, and Puck talk her out of cooking dinner, suggesting that everyone meet up for a nice dinner, and then Puck suggests they actually go back to Finn and Puck’s relatively small but also cheap apartment. It still smells like fresh paint, but the University of Lima isn’t actually big enough for married student housing, so the two of them have an apartment just off campus, and it does have a nice big bed for the two of them.
Carole still insists on baking a cake, which she brings over in the early afternoon while Burt is driving to pick up Kurt at the airport, and Puck makes sure they have enough coffee for everyone. Since Burt hasn’t been over, Finn and Puck vacuum, too, just before they leave to meet Burt, Carole, and Kurt at Old City Prime Steakhouse. Puck thinks Kurt seems more standoffish than usual as they wait for their table, but no one says anything about it, so Puck mentally shrugs and decides to ignore it, too.
“Go crazy,” Carole says as they open their menus. “Consider this your rehearsal dinner and your reception.”
“So that means I can eat a lobster?” Finn asks.
“Yes, Finn, you can eat a lobster,” Carole says.
“With the bib,” Puck says under his breath.
“Can I eat two lobsters?” Finn asks, nudging Puck’s leg with his knee.
“Why don’t you eat the first one, and if you’re still hungry, we’ll talk,” Carole says with a smile.
“I want the filet mignon,” Puck says after turning to the steak page of the menu.
“With a lobster,” Finn whispers to him. “Get the lobster, too.”
“Maybe just a lobster tail,” Puck whispers back with a grin. He looks around the table and decides to be determined in his ignoring of Kurt’s attitude. “What’re you going to get, Kurt?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” Kurt answers, his tone cold.
“Try the lobster. I hear it’s delicious,” Finn says, bumping Puck’s leg with his again.
Puck grins at him and stifles a laugh. “Yeah, yeah,” he agrees. “Definitely the lobster.”
“You two,” Carole says affectionately, shaking her head. “Don’t feel pressured to have the lobster, Kurt.”
“Yes, those two,” Kurt replies to Carole.
“They’re planning to use the newlywed excuse for months,” Carole says, still smiling.
“How adorable,” Kurt deadpans. “And I think I’ll have the Bronzed Chilean Sea Bass.”
“We should put Chile on our list,” Puck says to Finn.
“There’s that list again,” Burt says. “What’s this list?”
“Nah, this is a different list,” Puck says. “This is the list of where to take a trip each February.”
“For our anniversary,” Finn says, like he’s worried it isn’t obvious or something.
“Hmm.” Kurt says, smiling with his lips pressed together.
“Well, that sounds nice,” Burt says.
The rest of the meal is more or less the same, with Kurt only occasionally saying anything, and most of it seems to be sarcastic. Finn does have two lobsters, plus a steak, and when Kurt gives Finn a look, Puck just smiles at Kurt. “We have to keep our strength up,” he says almost blandly. Finn grins through his last bite of steak. Kurt almost chokes on his ice water.
Puck laughs, trying to hide it behind his napkin, and when the server asks if they want dessert, Carole shakes her head. “We’re all going to see their new apartment,” she says, mostly to Kurt.
“I’m afraid I need to beg off,” Kurt says. “I promised Rachel that I’d—”
“I’m sure whatever you promised her can wait until tomorrow,” Burt interrupts. “Come on. This is a family night.”
Carole nods, looking sad for the first time the entire dinner. “Like I said, rehearsal and reception.”
“Aw, Mom, don’t get sad,” Finn says. “C’mon, it’s just like we talked about. You’ve got Kurt’s wedding coming up if you want all the wedding stuff!”
“Yeah, did you two ever set a date?” Puck asks Kurt.
The pressed-together line of Kurt’s lips whitens as he presses them together even harder, eyes slightly narrowed. “I’ve mailed the invitations. It’s in four weeks. Finn knows this.”
“Must not have gotten forwarded to us,” Puck says, looking at Finn. “Did we get an invitation?”
“Nope,” Finn says. “Did you address it to the dorm?”
“I didn’t send you an invitation!” Kurt says. “Finn is in the wedding!”
“Oh, yeah, that’s true,” Finn says. “Hey, Puck, you wanna help me shop for tuxedos?”
“Just order the one that Blaine and I picked out,” Kurt says.
“That means the pants might be too short,” Puck whispers to Finn.
“What?” Kurt snaps, as Finn starts laughing at what Puck said. “What did you just say to him?”
“I said, and now it’s time to go have dessert,” Puck says promptly, starting to stand up. Puck decides he’s glad that they don’t have to ride with Kurt from the restaurant, and he starts to roll his eyes preemptively at the things he can imagine Kurt saying over dessert. Finn and Puck at least get there before the other three, and Puck starts the coffee.
“So what’s his real problem?” Puck asks Finn, leaning against the counter. “Is it that we got married too close to his wedding?”
“I don’t know. Why isn’t he happy for us?” Finn says. “Do you think his feelings are hurt he didn’t get to, like, plan it or something?”
Puck frowns, pulling Finn towards him. “Maybe. Maybe he wanted to be invited, since we were in Jersey. Or he thought he’d get to be your best man one day?” Puck guesses. “You should ask him when he gets here, now that we’re not eating lobster in public.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Finn says.
Puck wraps his arms around Finn and kisses him. “And remember, we have plans for after they leave,” he says with a grin.
“Number seventeen!” Finn says as he pulls back briefly. “It’ll be fun.”
“They’re all fun,” Puck points out. “Just, some of them are more fun.”
“This one’s gonna be more fun, then.”
Puck’s grin gets bigger. “Yeah, it is,” he agrees. Before he can kiss Finn again, there’s a knock on the door, and Puck lets his hands fall slowly. “You want to pour the coffee and I’ll get the door?”
“Yeah, sounds good to me,” Finn says.
Puck does kiss Finn’s cheek briefly, then walks through the living room to open the door, Burt, Carole, and Kurt standing on the other side. “Come on in,” Puck says, gesturing with his free hand. “Finn’s pouring up the coffee.”
“Did the furniture come with the apartment?” Kurt asks.
“Nah, we got some of it new, but we scored the recliners at the St. Vince thrift store,” Puck says.
“Oh, did you?” Kurt asks in fake-surprise. “I thought they were designer.”
“Kurt, knock it off,” Burt whispers in Kurt’s direction.
“I’m not doing anything. I’m just complimenting them on their furniture.”
“Yeah, I’m going to go help Finn,” Puck says. “Take a seat.” As soon as he’s turned away, he rolls his eyes. “There’s the Kurt Hummel I know and used to throw into dumpsters,” he mutters to himself as he walks back to the kitchen. “Coffee ready?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m just pouring it now,” Finn says. “They like the apartment?”
“Your mom and stepdad do,” Puck says. “Not so much your brother.” He picks up two of the mugs as Finn finishes pouring them.
“Well, I like our apartment,” Finn says. He manages to hold the three remaining mugs between his hands, nodding in the direction of the living room.
“We have an awesome apartment,” Puck agrees. Burt and Carole are sitting down, Burt in one of the recliners, but Kurt is walking around examining the apartment with his lips pursed, almost like the apartment owes him money or something. “So what do you think?” he says to all of them, but mostly to Burt.
“It’s nice. Cozy,” Burt says. “I like the recliners.”
“That one’s mine,” Finn says, handing a mug of coffee to Burt. “The other one’s Puck’s.”
“I think you two have done a great job,” Carole says as she accepts another one of the mugs Finn is carrying. “It’s nice that you’re so close to campus, too.”
“Yeah, when it’s nice enough, Finn can still walk to class,” Puck says, putting down the mug intended for Kurt on the coffee table, then sitting down in the other recliner and nodding for Finn to sit with him. Finn squeezes in next to him, one of his legs thrown over both of Puck’s. Puck grins at him and slings his free arm around Finn’s shoulders. “Not going to live here forever or anything, but it’s a good place until Finn finishes.”
“And we can change the paint color whenever we get bored with this one,” Finn says.
“We should really avoid getting our clothes messy when we do that, right?” Puck asks. The look on Kurt’s face doesn’t change, and Puck wonders if maybe he was wrong in the kitchen. Maybe part of the whole being married thing means that he should be the one to ask, because it’s clearly upsetting Finn more than it is Puck. If Kurt keeps acting the way he has been, and Finn doesn’t say anything, Puck will. Puck looks deliberately at Kurt when he keeps talking, and he grins in a probably not very innocent way. “We should probably paint shirtless. Maybe pants-less, too.”
“Sounds perfect to me,” Finn says, putting his lips to Puck’s ear. “We might not even need brushes,” he adds in a whisper.
Puck keeps grinning and leans his head towards Finn, his eyes still watching Kurt. “We should just avoid getting our clothes messed up in general, probably,” he says, loud enough for the others to hear but quietly enough that he could claim he only meant for Finn to hear him. Burt clears his throat loudly.
“Do you need a cough drop, Burt?” Carole asks. “I thought we’d still wait a bit before dessert.”
“No, I’m fine. Just had a little tickle in my throat,” Burt says, giving Puck and Finn a pointed look.
“Spring allergies?” Puck asks blandly. “I think we have some Benadryl. Kurt, you need anything?”
“I’m fine, thank you,” Kurt says, his tone cold. Finn’s face falls into a deep frown.
Puck frowns at the look on Finn’s face, then glares at Kurt. “What is your problem?” he asks as calmly as he can. “You know, you’re the only person acting this way, and Finn does actually like his brother and care about his brother.”
“I’m not sure I understand what you’re trying say,” Kurt says. “Acting what way, exactly?”
“Like you have a huge problem with us. I’d say it was almost homophobic, but that’d be silly, right?” Puck says, rolling his eyes. “Like Finn said to me, you’re not happy for him.”
“Maybe I don’t appreciate how flippantly you’re treating this,” Kurt says, crossing his legs and resting one elbow on his top knee. “It’s a right people like me have been working for for decades, and the two of you just decide spur of the moment it might be something fun to do?”
“Oh, so we’re not queer enough?” Puck says. “Or old enough, apparently. Decades.”
“Look, boys, this discussion really isn’t necessary,” Burt tries to interject. “We’ll just head home, and we can talk about this calmly on another day.”
“Maybe one of you isn’t,” Kurt says sharply, ignoring Burt and continueing to glare at Puck.
“Which one of us?” Puck says quietly to Finn, then looks back at Kurt. “See, I just thought it was because we didn’t invite you, but this is worse.”
“It’s probably better to clear the air,” Carole says quietly to Burt.
“Clear the air? I’m worried we’re going to have to clear the furniture at this rate,” Burt grumbles.
“Finn,” Kurt says, “did you or did you not spend your entire high school career insisting that you were straight?”
“I never heard him say it,” Puck says.
“Oh, he made it perfectly clear,” Kurt says. “But now he’s suddenly conveniently gay just weeks before my wedding?”
“Is there a time to be inconveniently gay?” Finn whispers to Puck. Puck shrugs and kisses the side of Finn’s chin.
“Okay, first of all, just because we’re not straight doesn’t mean we’re gay,” Puck says, shaking his head. “And dude, neither of us even remembered you’d ever set a date. I thought you were going to have one of those four-year engagements or something.”
“If it were important to Finn, he would have remembered that I told him the date. In fact, I very specifically made a point of telling him,” Kurt says.
“Kurt, honey,” Carole says, glancing apologetically at Finn before continuing, “Finn forgot which day was his birthday one year, and spent the day two days before his birthday very upset, because he thought we’d all forgotten.” Puck nods, because he remembers that. “I thought you were going to send him something in writing.”
“I did!” Kurt says. “I mailed him a ‘save the date’ card!”
“Wait,” Puck says suddenly. “I wasn’t even invited, was I? You didn’t know I’d be Finn’s plus one!”
“Finn is in the wedding!” Kurt says, his eyes looking a little crazy. “He doesn’t get a ‘plus one’!”
“I thought people in the wedding party got to bring their spouses,” Puck says, frowning. “Okay, so to recap: I couldn’t have known, because I wasn’t good enough to get invited, and Finn’s ‘save the date’ card got lost or something, but you’re mostly pissed because Finn ‘suddenly’ isn’t straight?”
“And he sprung this whole marriage thing on all us when my wedding was supposed to be the one we were all focused on!” Kurt says.
Puck makes a face, then looks at Finn. “I didn’t know that Kurt getting married meant no one else could get married this year, did you?”
“I’m sure that’s not really what Kurt meant,” Carole says, looking a little distressed as she glances over at Kurt then back at Puck and Finn.
“It’s supposed to be special!” Kurt says, his voice getting shriller. “We’ve been planning this day for months. Blaine and I have worked hard to make every detail perfect, and then you just come along with your— your spontaneous marrying and steal all the focus from us!”
“So your brother has to be miserable and single for you to have a special day?” Puck asks.
“That’s not what I’m saying!”
“It’s not like we’re going to stand up and demand attention,” Puck says. “I bet plenty of the people at your wedding either won’t know Finn or won’t know we got married.” Puck shrugs and looks at Finn. “You okay?” he whispers in Finn’s ear.
Finn nods his head, still looking sad. “Yeah. It’s okay,” he says. “I wasn’t trying to mess up his wedding.”
“You didn’t. We didn’t,” Puck says, shaking his head. “He’s just…” He looks at Kurt and narrows his eyes. “He’s pitching a fit. Like Adriana used to do.”
“Excuse me?” Kurt says—shrieks, really, if Puck’s being completely honest—and stands up abruptly. “I have had enough of all of this! Pretending like any of us think it was a good idea for the two of you to run off and get married. It’s ridiculous!”
“You heard me,” Puck says, trying not to react. “You’re pitching a fit, because you wanted to get married first. You don’t care if it was a good idea for Finn and I to get married or not. If we’d waited until the week after your wedding, you wouldn’t have cared.”
“And why shouldn’t I get to have my wedding first?” Kurt demands. “When do I get what I want? When do things finally get to work out perfectly for me?”
Puck starts to laugh in spite of himself, because from where Puck’s sitting, he doesn’t know what Kurt’s complaining about. “Dude, you’re going to your first choice college, marrying your high school sweetheart, living in the city you want to live in. What the fuck—sorry, Carole—do you have to complain about, exactly?” He gestures to Kurt’s clothes. “Clearly not money, either. Sorry our lack of money and resulting thrift store furniture offends your tastes.”
“You’re intentionally twisting my meaning,” Kurt says. “I’ve worked hard for everything I have, including college and my relationship with Blaine. Everyone else gets things handed to them.”
“Name one thing Finn or I has had handed to us,” Puck says with a snort. “Don’t take your issues with other people out on us. Finn works hard.” Puck glances at Finn and squeezes Finn’s shoulders. “Our relationship is ours and you have no right to comment on whether or not we’ve worked hard or how or what we’ve worked on.”
Kurt looks flustered now, looking at Burt like he’s hoping Burt will help him. “I never said that—”
“Son, I think it’s probably better if we leave your brother and his husband in peace for the evening,” Burt says. “Carole, I can come back and pick you up later, or one of the boys can run you home, if you’d like to stay for dessert.”
“Finn, sweetie, what would you prefer?” Carole asks.
“You should stay, Mom,” Finn says. “I can take you home later.”
“Okay,” Carole says, nodding a little and then giving Burt a look that Puck can’t quite figure out the meaning of.
“I know,” Burt says to Carole, holding up his hands defensively. “Kurt. We’re going now.”
“I can’t believe that you’re—”
“Kurt,” Burt repeats more firmly. “We’ll talk about this back at the house.”
Puck keeps his face as blank as he can as Kurt is lead out of the apartment by Burt, no matter how much Kurt tries to pretend he’s leaving because he wants to. Burt looks upset enough that Puck’s glad he doesn’t have to ride in a vehicle with Burt, and Kurt looks like he comes to the same conclusion right before the door closes. Puck shifts his arm, pulling Finn as close to him as he can, because he knows Carole won’t say anything or clear her throat or whatever like Burt does.
“Hey,” Puck says quietly. “You want to serve us cake, or you need a few minutes?”
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Finn says. “I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.” He stands up, giving Puck a kiss on the top of his head, before walking back to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Puck looks away from the bathroom door and then over at Carole, who is frowning herself, and Puck realizes suddenly why Finn’s frown always looks so familiar—it’s the same one Carole gave them whenever they did things like blow up potatoes.
“I’ll cut us each a slice of cake,” Puck says, mainly because he doesn’t know what else to say. “We can cook okay, but baking’s not something we do.”
Carole smiles at that, even if it’s still a little sad. “You weren’t horrible at baking when you used to help with the Christmas cookies, you know. You’re probably out of practice, but I suspect you could do better than you think.” She glances at the bathroom door and then at the door where Kurt and Burt left. “I don’t know what to say.”
Puck shrugs and stands up, doing like he said and cutting three slices of cake before putting the plates on the table. “Yeah, me either,” he admits, then waits until Carole walks over to the table before continuing. “It’s just, you know, Finn’s… Kurt’s his brother. He’d be happy for Kurt if everything was reversed.”
Carole nods slowly, and she doesn’t say anything before the bathroom door opens and Finn emerges. Puck half-grins at him and nods towards the table. “I don’t know how you’re still hungry, Finn,” she says lightly. “Not after all of that lobster and steak.”
“Always room for more, I guess,” Finn says. He laughs, but Puck can tell immediately it’s a forced laugh, and as he sits, he drags his chair closer to Finn, putting his hand on Finn’s thigh as soon as Finn’s sitting down.
“We’re happy,” Puck says quietly. “Right?”
“Yes, Finn, please ignore whatever that was about,” Carole says. “I really don’t know what got into him.”
“I wasn’t trying to take the focus away from his wedding, or whatever else he said,” Finn says. “And yeah, we’re happy.” He puts his hand on top of Puck’s.
“Then screw him,” Puck says, shrugging a little. “We’re happy, we’re not rude, and we have a nice apartment. And cake.”
“Yeah, we do,” Finn agrees, giving Puck a thin half-a-smile.
“We should show your mom that frame we got for one of the wedding pictures,” Puck says. “You’ll be nice enough not to mention how tall the laundry pile is, right?” He looks at Carole and grins.
Carole laughs. “I promise not to mention it, if you want to show me the picture.”
Finn doesn’t say anything to Puck on the drive back from dropping off Carole. Puck doesn’t try to fill up the silence, either, but he keeps at least one hand on Finn the whole way there and back. As they walk up to the apartment door, Puck takes Finn’s hand, and as soon as they’re inside, he pushes Finn against the door, kissing Finn hard. Finn can hear the locks turning while they kiss, and Puck pulls back just enough to speak.
“He’s jealous because we’re going to live long enough to celebrate our seventy-fifth wedding anniversary or some other ridiculously high number, and he isn’t sure Blaine will keep it in his pants for five years,” Puck says. “So ignore him, and we’ll be better than him when he calls in a few years.”
“I’ll try,” Finn says, trying to smile at Puck and let him stop worrying.
“You aren’t fooling me,” Puck says into Finn’s ear. “I fucking love you. You want to go play?”
Finn nods. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds perfect.”
“C’mon,” Puck says, grabbing Finn’s hands and walking backwards, pulling Finn with him towards the bedroom. “What’re you going to say if you really want me to stop?” he asks as they go through the doorway.
“Asparagus.”
“Asparagus, yeah,” Puck repeats, toeing off his shoes and moving his hands from Finn’s to Finn’s waist, pulling up on Finn’s t-shirt a little before letting go. “Get undressed.”
Finn pulls his t-shirt over his head and then unzips his jeans, pushing them down with his boxers. When he looks up at Puck again, Puck is naked and looking at Finn in the way he does when he’s deciding the best way to play.
Puck grins and grabs Finn’s wrists, pulling him to the bed and pushing him onto his back. “I’m going to tie your wrists together,” he says after straddling Finn and looking down at him for a few more moments. “Get on your elbows and knees,” he adds, moving off Finn to one side and reaching off the bed.
Finn feels himself sighing in relief as he rolls over and pushes up onto his elbows and knees. Puck grabs his wrists and positions them before wrapping them and tying them tightly. Puck tugs on Finn’s arms and then runs his hand over Finn’s hair.
“Good,” he says, his hand moving down Finn’s back. “You look good like this. You like it, don’t you?” The bed creaks with Puck’s movement. “Not knowing what I’m doing back here.”
“Yeah,” Finn says. “I like it.” He closes his eyes and relaxes more.
Puck’s hands rub over Finn’s ass and down his legs before he moves them, no part of him touching Finn. “Your ass is fantastic,” Puck says, then one of his hands comes down sharply on the right side of Finn’s ass. “And a little pinker.”
Finn barely reacts, only making a quiet sound and not even flinching. Puck’s hand lands in the same spot again, harder than before, and then three more times, rapidly and each one a little more forceful. By the third time, Finn’s rocking forward slightly with each smack, and the sound he’s making are louder.
“Oh, yeah,” Puck says quietly, and then he starts on the other side of Finn’s ass. “Yeah, that’s so good. You want it harder, don’t you?”
Finn nods, eyes still closed. “Yeah,” he says.
“What was that?” Puck’s hand hits without quite as much force. “What do you want?”
“Harder,” Finn says.
“That’s what I thought,” Puck says, sounding satisfied, and this time his hand hits harder than it has the entire time. “You want me to keep spanking you, like this?”
“Yes,” Finn says softly.
“Louder,” Puck says, but his hand keeps smacking Finn’s ass, each time a little harder. Finn rocks forward harder, whimpering with each smack.
“Yes,” Finn repeats louder.
“Tell me,” Puck says. “Tell me you want it so hard, as hard as I can hit you.”
“Puck,” Finn whines, pushing his ass back towards Puck. “Please.”
“Please what, Finn?” Puck says, his voice firm but gentle. “Tell me.” He keeps smacking Finn, but the amount of force behind each one is the same.
“Please, Puck!”
“I don’t want polite,” Puck says, and this time his hand hits harder. “I want you to tell me what you want. Tell me what you’re begging for.”
“Harder,” Finn says, hearing the break in his own voice. “Harder. So much harder.”
“Yeah, that’s right, that’s it,” Puck says, and his hand hits Finn faster, with less break between each smack, and each smack is just a little harder than the one before it. “Your ass is so red, Finn, you’re going to have to stand up tomorrow, so nice and red.”
“Harder,” Finn says again.
“Yeah, you want to hurt,” Puck says, his voice a little rougher. “So good, Finn.” He pauses, taking a loud breath as his hand keeps hitting Finn. “Maybe next time I’ll use something besides my hand, you’d like that, too, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah. Yes. I want that,” Finn says. The spanks sting more and more with each smack of Puck’s hand on his ass, but with each spank, Finn feels more relaxed, all the stresses and disappointments of the evening disappearing.
“Look at you, just turning red, begging for more,” Puck mutters. “Hitting you so hard, and you just want it harder, don’t you? Too bad I don’t have more hands?” His hand keeps smacking Finn’s ass, and there’s a brief pinch on Finn’s side. “You like that?”
“Yes,” Finn gasps. His body sags, chest pressing closer to the mattress. Puck pinches Finn’s side again, not releasing the skin, and he smacks Finn even harder than before.
“Look at you. You just want more pain, don’t you?” Puck says. “You’d do anything for me to keep going, wouldn’t you?”
“Don’t stop,” Finn begs.
“I can’t even call you a cockslut right now,” Puck says. “You’re like some kind of pain-slut, aren’t you? I won’t stop. You want this too badly.”
Finn nods, his head hanging down. He can’t deny it, not when he’s almost painfully hard, and getting harder with each smack and pinch.
“Say it,” Puck demands, pinching a different spot while he smacks Finn.
“Yes,” Finn says, still nodding. “I want it.”
“Let go,” Puck says, almost whispering. “No more words, just make noise for me.”
Finn nods, and when Puck’s hand smacks down, harder than before somehow, a low yelp comes out of Finn’s mouth.
“More,” Puck says, his nails digging into Finn’s side. “Fuck, you’re so nice to look at, tied up and red.”
Finn cries out, still not loudly, and he starts to tremble, his whole body feeling like it’s vibrating. His head drops lower, resting against his tied wrists. Puck moves his hand to Finn’s back, scratching down it as he smacks Finn again and again. Finn can hear himself making sounds with each spank, yelps and whimpers, but the sounds almost seem like they’re coming from someone or somewhere else. He feels a knot building in his chest, like a growing pressure getting closer and closer to the surface with every smack of Puck’s hand against Finn’s ass.
“Yeah, maybe pain-slut was right,” Puck says. “You just want more and more, your body is just begging for it, Finn.” He switches hands, scratching the other side of Finn’s back as he resumes smacking Finn’s ass.
Finn tries to make enough words to answer Puck, but then he remembers Puck didn’t want words, anyway, so he just lets himself keep making whatever noises he’s already making. His body strains backwards, towards Puck’s hands. His eyes starts to sting, like he might cry, but can’t yet.
Puck keeps hitting him, but the bed shifts a little, and his other hand leaves Finn’s back. Then the bed shifts again, and Puck’s hand stops. “I have your brush,” Puck says. “Unless you tell me no, I’m going to use it on your ass, because it’ll hurt more, just like you want. You don’t have to say anything if you want me to, just nod.”
Finn doesn’t even have to pause to think about it before he nods. Puck’s hand pats Finn’s ass for a few seconds, then Puck moves it, and another few seconds pass before Puck hits Finn’s ass with the wooden back of Finn’s brush. The sharp, sudden pop of the wood against Finn’s skin echoes in the room, and the deep sting of the hit loosens the knot in Finn’s chest. He feels, more than hears, the sob tearing loose from him. Hot tears fall on his hands, clasped together below his tied wrists. Puck doesn’t say anything, just hits Finn with the brush a second time, followed almost immediately by a third time before he pauses.
Finn’s body starts to shake with the sobs he can’t even begin to hold back. The sounds he makes are deep and ragged, and he cries without trying to cover his face or quiet his sobbing. Puck’s hand, not the brush, half-smacks and half-pats Finn’s ass once, and then Puck is beside Finn, his arms around Finn and running through Finn’s hair.
“Yeah, you’re so good,” Puck says quietly. “So damn good, Finn.”
Finn shifts on the bed, tumbling onto his side towards Puck. Puck reaches for Finn’s wrists, untying them and then pulling Finn almost into his lap, his hands still going through Finn’s hair. Finn’s body is limp and relaxed as he continues crying, weeping really, with Puck wrapped around him.
“I’ve got you,” Puck says. “It’s okay. You’re so good, Finn. You did so good.”
Finn presses himself closer to Puck, closing his eyes and feeling Puck against him, so solid and strong. After some time passes, Finn's sobs start to taper off into sniffles and soft, gasping breaths. Finn feel empty, in a good way, and light.
"I love you," Finn says, his voice rough.
“Yeah, I know,” Puck says, sounding like he’s smiling, and he runs his hands through Finn’s hair more slowly. “I love you, too. You feel okay? Want me to get you anything?”
Finn shakes his head. "Just stay here with me a little while," he says.
“Orrrr,” Puck says, drawing out the word exaggeratedly as he shifts their position on the bed, “I can stay right here all night. I locked the door. Sound good?”
"Yeah," Finn says, sighing softly. "Sounds perfect."
“Okay.” Puck finishes shifting their position, then rolls away briefly before he runs one hand gently over Finn’s ass. “Let me get you cleaned up,” he says, wiping his hand on the t-shirt he apparently grabbed, and then he wipes at Finn’s chest. Finn notices that what Puck is wiping up is Finn's come, and he laughs once, quietly, because he hadn't even processed in the middle of everything else he was feeling that he'd also come along with the sobbing.
Puck tosses the t-shirt towards the laundry pile, then reaches off the bed again. There’s a squirting noise twice, then Puck nudges at Finn’s shoulder.
“On your stomach,” he says, already moving his hands to Finn’s ass. Finn rolls onto his stomach, feeling Puck's hand spreading the aloe over his ass, cold and immediately soothing the sting.
"That's so nice," Finn breathes against the bed.
“Did I tell you that you’re strangely adorable tied up like that?” Puck says, his hands moving over Finn’s ass a second time, like he’s double-checking that he covered all of it.
"Nuh-uh," Finn says. "Too big to be adorable."
“Giant teddy bears are still adorable,” Puck says. “So your argument is invalid.”
"Mmhmm," Finn agrees sleepily. "Now you should fuck me before we sleep."
Puck laughs softly. “I can do that,” he agrees, and there’s another shift from Puck moving on the bed before he pushes two fingers slowly into Finn’s ass. “And tomorrow we’ll put an ‘X’ in the box on the checklist.”
"Mmmyeah, checklist," Finn murmurs. "Come on."
“I know, I know,” Puck says, and he removes his fingers before his dick presses against Finn’s ass. “I really am glad we got married. And not just because this is awesome.” He pushes in slowly, his hands on either side of Finn’s chest.
"Me, too," Finn says. "I love you. I'm happy we're married." He doesn’t move, letting Puck slide into him at his own pace. When Puck is inside him, Finn exhales slowly. Where Puck's body touches Finn's ass stings a little at the contact, and Finn suspects that he really might find sitting down tomorrow a little rough, but the rest of him feels too relaxed and good to really care.
Puck fucks him slowly, his mouth just above Finn’s skin, and he mutters under his breath, so quietly that Finn can’t tell what he’s saying. It doesn’t take very long before Puck speeds up, his breathing louder, and then he comes inside Finn, calling out Finn’s name as he does. “Good?” Puck mutters as he slides out of Finn and presses against Finn’s side.
"Yeah," Finn says. "So good."
Puck kisses as much of Finn’s mouth as he can, his head nodding a little. “Sleep. I love you.”
"Yeah," Finn agrees, already starting to drift off to sleep. "Love you."
Despite the assurances from Carole in the weeks leading up to Kurt and Blaine’s wedding, Puck isn’t convinced that there won’t be some kind of issue. It’s not like either he or Finn are going to go around flashing their left hands or making big announcements, but Puck knows that there are other people who might say something, and in the process set Kurt off.
Puck also thinks that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for Kurt and Blaine if they acknowledged the fact Finn and Puck have been married for two months. The way Puck sees it, he and Finn have learned a few things in those two months, and not just about their kinks, even though the kinks have been the most fun to learn. Puck knows, though, that there’s no way that Kurt or Blaine would admit that Puck or Finn either one have any advice that he and Blaine could use, so he’ll keep his mouth shut—unless someone else asks.
Puck looks at his hair one more time, shrugs, and turns to Finn. “Need any help with that tuxedo?”
“You’re the first person I’ll ask for help when the tuxedo needs taken off,” Finn says.
“Well, yeah,” Puck says with another shrug. “Are your pants long enough?”
“Yeah, they’re fine, see?” Finn holds out one leg, then the other leg, then turns in a circle.
Puck grins. “Yeah, I see. I guess it’s not worth the yelling if we stay in here, is it?”
“Nah. We’ve gotta go out there,” Finn says. “Sorry.”
“At least I don’t have to be in it,” Puck says. “And I bet we can get at least one drink before someone notices we aren’t twenty-one.” He offers Finn his hand. “I’m actually suddenly really glad we did it the way we did.”
Finn takes Puck’s hand and squeezes. “Oh my god, me too!”
“We’ll just keep putting your mom off about that whole renewal thing we promised at first,” Puck says as they walk down a hall. “Don’t make any faces during the ceremony, and don’t laugh at the faces I’m going to make at you.”
“Hey! I wouldn’t ever!” Finn insists, even though Puck knows they both know he would.
“Yeah, yeah,” Puck says, stopping and giving Finn a kiss. “I have to go sit down and pretend like I was invited now. Whoever gets to the reception first grabs two drinks.” With that, Puck goes to sit down, taking a seat next to Sam. Puck waits until halfway through the ceremony to start making faces at Finn, and after a couple of minutes, Puck realizes that Sam’s doing the same thing, except he’s making faces at Blaine.
Puck figures that at least means Sam will get yelled at more if Kurt catches either one of them, so he keeps trying to make Finn laugh off and on until the ceremony is over and the officiant announces that Kurt and Blaine are now the Anderson-Hummels. Kurt, Blaine, and the entire wedding party walk out, and Puck slides to the side door, hoping to avoid the rush towards the bar at the reception. The end result is that Puck does manage to score two glasses of wine, and as soon as Finn enters the room, Puck walks over to him.
“No beer, and the only cocktail has mango in it,” Puck says as he hands Finn the wineglass.
“I hate mango,” Finn says, grimacing as he takes the wineglass.
“I know you do,” Puck says, standing next to Finn and looking around the room. “Anything interesting happen before the ceremony?”
Finn looks like he might have a story, but before he can tell Puck, Rachel walks up to them, her smile so wide that Puck can’t decide if she’s really that happy or having to work that hard to keep a smile on her face.
“Noah. Finn. It’s so good to see both of you,” Rachel says. “Finn, I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you!”
“Are you sure you’re supposed to mention that?” Puck asks, looking around.
“Thanks, Rachel,” Finn says. “We’re very happy.”
“Of course, it was such a surprise to hear,” Rachel continues, and this time, she does look behind her. “But it’s nice that the five of you had a good family visit last month.”
Puck gives Rachel a weird look, then turns to Finn. “That’s an… interesting description, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. I don’t know that I’d call it nice,” Finn says.
“Oh.” Rachel’s smile falters very briefly. “I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding, then,” she says after a few moments, and before Puck can figure out a way to extract the two of them from Rachel, she somehow starts herding them with her in the direction of her choosing.
“I still don’t know how she does this,” Puck mutters into his wine, but he takes Finn’s hand and nearly stops both of them in their tracks when he realizes that Rachel’s herding is taking the two of them towards Kurt, who isn’t standing with Blaine or anyone else, at least for a few seconds.
“Or why,” Finn whispers back, leaning close.
“She’s mediating or something,” Puck says, and sure enough, Rachel looks at Puck and Finn, then at Kurt, her smile not quite as wide as before.
“Kurt! I was just talking with Finn and Noah about your visit last month!”
“Oh, really?” Kurt asks, raising one eyebrow at them. He’s still smiling, but in a plastered-onto-his-face way.
“Yeah, Rachel said we had a good visit,” Puck says flatly, then takes a drink of his wine and wishes he’d grabbed each of them two glasses.
“I didn’t see any need to report back on the less-pleasant aspects,” Kurt says.
“Kurt, what happened?” Rachel says, looking comically shocked. “Finn, did someone say something unpleasant?” She doesn’t specify who, but Puck can tell she’s assuming it wasn’t Finn or Kurt either one.
“It’s nothing,” Finn says. “This is Kurt’s wedding. Let’s just let it be about that today, okay?”
“I just hate the idea of any residual unpleasantness,” Rachel says. “I’m sure whomever was in the wrong would want to make amends.” This time, she looks pointedly at Puck, who raises his eyebrows and looks pointedly back.
“I only discussed furniture,” Puck says just as flatly. “Maybe I’ll go find Sam again. He was going to show me his Miley Cyrus impression.”
“Tell him my mom said to stay off the hanging chandelier thing,” Finn says. “She says if he breaks it, they don’t get the deposit back.”
“He already owes me ten dollars,” Puck says. “Since I managed to get a reaction first.”
“A reaction to what?” Kurt asks.
Puck grins a little. “Hey, I was only making faces at Finn, not one of the people getting married.”
“Noah!” Rachel scolds, but she looks like she’s considering laughing.
“I just hope you—and Sam, apparently—didn’t ruin the wedding video,” Kurt says, crossing his arms, his smile becoming more pinched.
“I’m sure they weren’t videoing Finn the entire time,” Puck says, taking another drink of his wine. “And don’t worry, I didn’t wave my left hand at anyone.” Of course, he’s still holding Finn’s hand, which could be enough to bother Kurt, but he’s not going to apologize for that, and anyway, Finn likes it.
“Yes, I’m sure it’ll all turn out just fine,” Kurt answers snippily. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find Blaine and greet some guests.”
“Kurt?” Rachel says, looking genuinely confused. “You said that you had a nice visit with them last month!”
“We’re pulling focus,” Puck says to Rachel. “I’m sure Kurt’s right, though. Everything will be fine.” He gives Kurt a smile, and if the four of them know it’s fake, it probably looks fine to anyone else in the room. “Congratulations, Kurt,” he says, and the words are sincere even if his smile isn’t. “We hope you’ll be at least half as happy as we are.”
“Thank you,” Kurt replies. He turns abruptly and walks away, Finn’s shoulders and smile sagging as Kurt leaves.
“Do you think he’ll ever get over it?” Finn asks.
“I think I was right when I compared him to Adriana,” Puck says. “And she only mentioned not getting to be the flower girl twice when I talked to her last week, so that’s getting better.”
“I had no idea,” Rachel says, looking stunned and torn. “I mean, of course Kurt’s been looking forward to—but he was—and you two are—”
“Don’t worry about it, Rachel,” Puck tells her, waving his hand with the wineglass and then steering Finn with him away from Rachel and in the opposite direction that Kurt went. “What do you want to do?” he asks Finn quietly. “As soon as all the obligations are done, one of us can fake sick and we can leave. We can stay and do what Kurt seems to want, not mentioning anything. Or we can stay and not be quiet. We can tell everyone we talk to about how awesome being married is.”
“I think…” Finn sighs. “I think that since he’s not happy with us either way, we may as well be as married as possible, right?”
“People might think we’re not happy about being married if we’re not,” Puck says with a little nod. “Anyone you wanted to talk to specifically?”
“Not really. Maybe we should get another glass of wine,” Finn says.
“Yeah, I was regretting not getting two each,” Puck says, and he releases Finn’s hand, sliding his arm around Finn’s waist, under the tuxedo jacket. “At least it won’t be an issue for months after this, right? He should get over it before Thanksgiving.”
“And I do look pretty good in this tuxedo, huh?”
Puck grins. “You look excellent in that tuxedo, actually.”
“Want to find a dark corner and fool around?” Finn asks.
“That sounds like the best idea all day,” Puck replies, steering the two of them towards a corner that isn’t exactly dark, but it’s probably as dark as they’re going to get. “I should stand in the corner, and no one will be able to even see me. We could get away with a lot.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
“What do you want to get away with?” Puck asks, grinning at Finn. “I could probably blow you. You might be able to fuck me, even.”
“Right here in the same room as everybody?” Finn asks, his face getting a little pink.
“Oh, you like that idea?” Puck says. “You know we could. They’re all going to be watching Kurt and Blaine smash cake in each other’s faces—another thing I’m glad we missed.”
“Yeah, I like that idea,” Finn says.
Puck backs himself into the corner when they reach it, kissing Finn with one hand still under Finn’s jacket, and he puts the other hand in Finn’s hair while they kiss. He looks over Finn’s shoulder briefly as they separate, but no one’s even looking in their direction. “You want me to turn around so you can fuck me?” Puck whispers, his lips next to Finn’s ear.
“Someone’ll see us,” Finn whispers back.
“I’m not worried about that if you aren’t,” Puck says softly, and he moves his hand from Finn’s hair to put it on top of Finn’s already-hard dick. “I don’t think you are.”
“I am a little,” Finn confesses. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to, though.”
“What’s the worst thing that can happen?” Puck says, turning around and unfastening his belt. “We have to leave?” He undoes his pants, too, then pushes his pants down off his hips. He can hear the sound of Finn lowering his own zipper, his dick pressing against Puck’s ass as Finn leans in close, his chest on Puck’s back.
“Did you bring lube to this wedding?” Finn asks.
“And a travel toothbrush for you,” Puck says. “Left front pocket.”
“I love you,” Finn murmurs as he shoves his hand into Puck’s left front pocket, moving around in the pocket a little longer than is probably necessary.
“I love you, too,” Puck says, shifting his weight a little, towards Finn’s hand. “Just skip your fingers.”
“Yeah, I figured,” Finn says with a soft laugh. After a few seconds and some fumbling with their clothes, Finn’s dick starts pushing into Puck’s ass. “Good?”
Puck leans heavily against the wall in front of him and nods. “Yeah, it’s good,” he says, closing his eyes and concentrating on Finn. “Didn’t know you had a thing about doing it in public.”
“Neither did I,” Finn says, thrusting in harder and faster. “Surprise!”
“I like this kind of surprise,” Puck says, bracing himself and only moving his hips towards Finn. “It’s really good one.”
“Yeah, definitely,” Finn says. He holds Puck’s hips in his hands. “Might have to take you to the bathroom to finish you off, though, ‘cause of the mess.”
Puck starts to laugh in spite of himself. “Yeah, just in case there’s some DNA testing going on,” he finally says. “We could stand by the sinks though.”
“I was just planning to lean you against the wall and blow you, though.”
“That’s good, too,” Puck says, and he opens his eyes enough to look to one side. He doesn’t hear anyone saying anything or see anyone staring, so he closes his eyes again. “I’d be stupid to turn down a blow job.”
“Yeah, you would,” Finn agrees. “Shit, not gonna last too long, Puck.” Finn moves even faster, slamming into Puck with a little grunt accompanying each thrust.
“Yeah, you should come now,” Puck says, pushing back each time Finn grunts. “You should come inside me right now.”
“Shit, oh shit, yeah, I am, I am,” Finn says quietly. He slams into Puck a few more times before stilling, resting his head against the back of Puck’s.
Puck stays perfectly still for a few moments, listening to Finn, then puts one hand on top of Finn’s. “Bathroom, you said?”
“Yeah. Just let me zip up first.”
“You think I should skip that step or something?” Puck asks, grinning even though Finn can’t see him. “Let everyone know what they’re missing out on?”
“I think I don’t want to get us kicked out before I blow you,” Finn points out.
“Oh, yeah, that’d suck, having to wait,” Puck agrees, and he waits until Finn pulls out to refasten his pants and belt. He adjusts his dick and then turns around. “Anyone even notice?”
“Not that I noticed,” Finn says.
Puck puts his arm around Finn’s waist again as they walk towards the door. “I’m not sure if I’m glad or disappointed,” he admits. “I mean, it’s good your mom and Burt didn’t notice, at least.”
As they reach the door, Mercedes comes into the room, and she gives the two of them a skeptical look. “Can you walk any closer?”
“Newlyweds,” Puck says with a shrug, and Finn says it at the same time.
“You two really did get married?”
Puck looks at Finn and grins, nodding a little and letting Finn answer, since Mercedes doesn’t look like she’s going to give a lecture or throw a fit. It’s good that Carole’s been so happy for Finn, but Puck still wishes Kurt would at least pretend around Finn. All Puck can really do is try to distract Finn—and let him be happy with as many other people as possible.
“Sure did,” Finn says, brandishing his left hand. “See? Rings and everything!”
“And it was in Jersey, so we’re legal,” Puck adds.
“Well, congratulations,” Mercedes says. “I’m not sure if I’m totally surprised or totally unsurprised.” She gives them a big smile before continuing into the reception, and Puck squeezes Finn’s waist as they make it into the hallway.
“Where’s the closest bathroom?” Puck mutters, pressing close to Finn and adjusting himself again.
“There’s one down that hall,” Finn says. “I was in there earlier.”
“Awesome,” Puck says, walking a little faster. He pushes open the bathroom door and ignores the rest of the bathroom, going towards a wall and putting his back against it without looking around. “C’mon,” he says in a low voice.
“Whiny,” Finn says, dropping to his knees in front of Puck and unzipping Puck’s pants. He only opens them enough to get Puck’s dick out, then immediately takes Puck into his mouth. Puck runs his fingers through Finn’s hair, staring down at him.
“You didn’t have to walk down the hall hard like I did,” Puck says. “You’d be whiny, too. Oh, yeah, that’s so much fucking better.” He leans more of his weight against the wall, his eyes not leaving Finn’s.
“Mmhmm,” Finn hums around Puck’s dick, sucking him hard and fast.
“I should’ve tried to pretend that wasn’t that awesome,” Puck says, his fingers grabbing at Finn’s hair. “Not going to take long.”
Finn hums again, louder and longer this time, and Puck lets out a low yell as he comes, still staring at Finn, and he pulls on Finn’s hair a little, still leaning on the wall as he relaxes.
“Yeah, that didn’t take long at all,” Puck says after a moment, petting Finn’s hair a little as he moves his hand. Finn sits back on his heels and grins.
“Good?” Finn asks.
“You know it was,” Puck says, fixing his pants for the second time before tugging Finn up and kissing him. “Really good.”
“Good,” Finn says. “Back out to the party?”
“Yeah, we can do that,” Puck agrees, stepping close to Finn again as they leave the bathroom and head back to the party. The reception is busy enough that no one seems to have noticed they left—except, presumably, Mercedes—and after a little while, everyone gathers around to watch Kurt and Blaine cut the cake. Sam keeps egging Blaine on, telling him to do the traditional cake smashing, but Blaine doesn’t, and the two of them exchange bites very tastefully. Puck’s still glad that he and Finn skipped that step, because if they’re going to waste cake, they ought to waste it naked when they can eat it off each other.
Kurt and Blaine dance, and then there’s a bunch of other specific dances, like Kurt with Burt and Kurt with Carole, and Blaine with his parents, but then everyone else starts to dance, and Puck grabs Finn’s hand. “C’mon, we should dance,” he says. “It’s even a slow song, so we can just stand really close to each other and sway if we want to.”
“Sounds good to me,” Finn says, “since we didn’t get any dancing at our wedding.”
“We probably could have found somewhere with dancing,” Puck says thoughtfully as they walk onto the dance floor and put their arms around each other. “But I still like the way we did it. It was pretty much us.”
“Yeah. It was good.” Finn pulls Puck close, resting his chin on Puck’s head. “Love you.”
“Love you too,” Puck says, turning his head just enough to kiss Finn’s neck, and the two of them dance silently through that song and the next, another slow song, before a much faster song starts. “Want another drink?” Puck whispers in Finn’s ear.
“Sounds good,” Finn says. “Ready for this thing to be over.”
“Yeah, me too,” Puck admits as they head towards the bar and each get another glass of wine. “Is it weird that I feel sorry for them?”
“Nah. I do, too,” Finn says.
“At least we’re in agreement,” Puck says, grinning a little. The two of them walk around and mingle a little, and just like Puck had expected, they get a few surprised comments and some congratulations, but it’s not like anyone shines a spotlight on them and announces that they’ve been married for two months.
Puck’s actually starting to think that they’ll be able to leave without actually speaking to Kurt again when they manage to have Blaine literally bump into them, and this time, he’s with Kurt.
“Hey, you two,” Blaine says with a smile, and he turns towards them, clearly expecting the four of them to have a conversation.
“Congratulations,” Puck says with a nod. “To both of you.”
“Yeah, welcome to the family,” Finn says, holding his arm out and beckoning Blaine into a one-armed hug.
“That’s right,” Blaine says he returns the hug. “Now I can say I have three brothers!”
“Aww, yeah, you do!” Finn says.
“I guess that’s true,” Puck says, offering Blaine his hand and then nodding at Kurt. “Even if Kurt’s not a fan of it.” Puck doesn’t know what Kurt told Blaine, since he apparently didn’t give Rachel the full story, but he’s angry enough about how sad Finn is that he doesn’t care what Blaine knows.
“Kurt,” Blaine says, looking at Kurt with what Puck almost thinks is exaggerated concern.
“There’s no reason to invoke past drama today,” Kurt says, pressing his lips together into a thin smile.
“Let me ask you one question,” Puck says. He looks around the room briefly, then nods. “So what would you do if Cooper, instead of offering bad acting advice, was being a jerk and upsetting Blaine?”
“I would have a serious talk with him,” Kurt says, “and we’d find a way to iron things out, for Blaine’s sake, even if I weren’t happy with him.”
“Maybe you can understand why I’m upset, then,” Puck says, finishing the glass of wine in his hand and setting it down. “Except you’ve not exactly been willing to have a serious talk.”
“It’s really a non-issue now, isn’t it?” Kurt asks. “You’ve done what you’ve done, and now we’ve had our wedding.”
“That’s up to you,” Puck says evenly. “Are you going to keep holding a grudge, every time Finn sees you or talks to you? Because if you are, then it’s still an issue.”
"And like you said, you had your wedding, and it was really nice, and we didn't pull focus or whatever you thought we'd do," Finn says.
“Yeah, we’re actually old news,” Puck says.
"I don't think I was in the wrong or being unfair," Kurt insists. "Blaine and I deserved to have our moment. It was important to us. It was just as important to Blaine as to me."
“Kurt,” Blaine says in a low voice, and Puck has no idea what Blaine’s trying to communicate.
“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that,” Puck says. “But no more about how we’re too straight? Are you over that, too?”
"We're happy for you. We just want you to be happy for us, too," Finn says.
"Fine. I won't mention it again," Kurt says. "Clearly, you're happy together, in the moment at least. Maybe we'll all be celebrating our fiftieth anniversaries together one day."
Puck squeezes Finn’s hand, because otherwise he’d probably roll his eyes at Kurt. “We’ll leave the big parties to the two of you,” Puck says, smiling as much as he can manage. “Enjoy your honeymoon, and we’ll see you in a few months, I guess.” He knows Kurt probably worded his response specifically, which means Kurt isn’t really any less upset or less likely to think Finn and Puck aren’t queer enough to get married, but there’s a chance it’ll be enough.
"Yeah, have a great trip, and make sure you post lots of pictures!" Finn says.
“Oh, we will,” Blaine says, nodding almost too enthusiastically. “So many you might get tired of seeing them!” He looks at Kurt and takes Kurt’s hand. “I suppose it will be a few months before we see them again, won’t it?”
"I'm sure they'll be far too busy to miss us," Kurt says, giving Blaine a warm enough smile.
"Well, we'll see you then," Finn says. He pulls on Puck's arm, tilting his head away from Kurt and Blaine. "And now we should go, uh, talk to Sam a little or something."
“Yeah, we should,” Puck says quickly, nodding. “See you,” he adds, nodding at Kurt and Blaine, then following Finn away from them as quickly as they can without seeming to be running. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly to Finn after they put a few more yards between them and the very recent newlyweds.
"It's cool," Finn says, looking and sounding like he's doing his best to be upbeat. "It'll all be okay. Wedding are stressful, and Kurt's just stressed. That's why we didn't have a wedding-wedding!"
“Yeah.” Puck grins and keeps heading towards the door. “The best part of the wedding is taking off the clothes anyway, right?” He stops the two of them near the door and pulls a chair over. “We can throw birds or release rice or whatever, and then get out of here.”
"Sounds good to me. I'm all weddinged out," Finn says.
“I think I reached my limit about two minutes into the ceremony,” Puck admits. “Marriage, on the other hand, is working out pretty well for us.”
"Definitely," Finn agrees. "We're really good at marriage."
Puck leans against Finn and nods. “Really, I think we just have one question we need to answer. Maybe two.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Which things we’re going to edit off when we print the second edition of the checklist, that’s one,” Puck says with a grin.
Puck can feel Finn laugh. “What’s two?” Finn asks.
“Where we’re going next February.”