Chapter Text
"I don't understand why you guys want to go out to buy Christmas presents.." Yoongi looks at the enthusiastic.. or rather, the overenthusiastic bunch gathered at the door. "They invented online shopping for a reason."
Jeongguk peers at them, from where he's slouched on the sofa. He's turned them down too, but while Yoongi has a viable excuse- he's in the middle of writing a song- Jeongguk has merely mumbled something about wanting to get his packing done. It's lame and he knows it, but so far no one has questioned it. Well, actually Seokjin has, and even Jimin had looked at him with an amused expression.. that had soon morphed into one of concern, but the hyung who should've noticed, hasn't even acknowledged his refusal to come. Jeongguk stares daggers at his back, trying to bore a hole in his stupid Gucci jacket with his laser vision, or at the very least, will him to turn around.
But despite his Golden Maknae, Jack of all trades status, Jeongguk is not Matilda and his hyung is dumb with a capital D, so Jeongguk's pointed staring is in vain. To his dismay, his hyung follows the rest of the members as they file out of the dorms, clutching his ostentatious handbag. Jeongguk reckons it's probably worth more than the money he's got inside it. On a better day, he might have joked about it, but as it is, the guy doesn't spare his dongsaeng a second glance (or even a first glance, now that the dongsaeng in question really thinks about it) choosing instead, to gush loudly about his Christmas plans. He looks like a schoolboy heading out on a field trip, genuinely excited about the excursion, and completely ignorant about Jeongguk's passive aggressive attempts to get his attention.
The door slams shut after them and Jeongguk glares harder, one last ditch attempt to bring him back. All he gets for his efforts, however, is the strange look Yoongi shoots him as he leaves for his studio. Guess Jeongguk has nothing to do now but to really pack his stuff.
It's been a busy year and their schedules have been so packed that Jeongguk has hardly found time to breathe. The latter half of the year was particularly eventful and tiring- album promotions, going to America multiple times, not to mention all the interviews and award shows and filming back at home. So yes, Jeongguk needs a break, a well-earned vacation and thankfully, now that Christmas is around the corner, he's getting one.
He stuffs a couple of jeans into his bag. Manager hyung said to travel light, so he is making a conscious effort. But Jeongguk is old enough to realize he could technically buy the entire train to Busan if he wanted to. He laughs and he can't really help it. It sounds bitter and leaves an aftertaste of jealousy and longing in his mouth. He folds a couple of white Tshirts and places them in his suitcase, sighing when the bitterness shows no sign of leaving. But Jungkook is a stubborn fucker- always has been, it's what has got him this far at such a young age- so he continues his packing with a steely resolve that would make most bulldozers crunch into reverse gear at the prospect of a head on collision.
It hurts though. It hurts and there's no disguising it. Over the years, Jeongguk might've progressed from blasting G-Dragon and IU to Justin Bieber and Troye Sivan. He might have traded his old video games for bowling and boxing. But there's one thing that has always been constant. Deep inside, he's always been a sucker for romance.
Jeon Jeongguk is the kind of guy who prefers ballads to the latest trap anthem and a quiet glass of wine shared with a lover to a round of vodka shots in a club. He likes those stupid movies that make him emotional instead of the ones with meaningless violence and random explosions that most guys his age seem to prefer. He hasn't gone as far as to read trashy romance novels, but that's probably because he's never had the time. If he manages to squeeze an extra half an hour into his schedule on weekends, he uses it to read webtoons, and more often than not, the manhwas he's got bookmarked have got a recurring theme. Here's a clue: he's lost track of the times he's cried watching Kimi no na wa.
There's loads of girls out there, he thinks, hordes of screaming fans who'd give an arm and a leg and all of their twitter followers for a chance to get with him. A perfect fairy tale romance with the Golden Maknae, arguably the most loved member of Bangtan. He knows the younger ones call him 'daddy' and the noonas want to baby him. In the beginning, it'd been unbelievable. Now, although he's grateful, it's become a part of his life. Flattering. Amusing, even.
"My life isn't nearly as perfect as you think it is!" he wants to yell.
He walks over to his closet and begins to rifle through the clothes inside, trying to find something decent to wear when his relatives come over to visit. And they will, he knows it. They'll bring half the neighborhood with them and everyone will want a glimpse of him, an autograph, a selca. They'll mutter apologies at the door and languish him with praise, but they'll inevitably barge into his private space and- and goddammit!
Jeongguk is an introvert. He's grown to be more talkative now, or well, at least he's stopped being camera shy. But that's partially due to Bang PD-nim sitting him down one day at the beginning of his career and telling him if he wanted to be an idol, he'd have to lose the aloofness, because it wouldn't translate well when their onscreen interactions would be showcased. Yoongi gets away with it sometimes, but Jeongguk being Jeongguk has worked on it, worked hard to make his on screen persona seem more friendly, more approachable.
It doesn't mean he enjoys random friends of his mother's trying to set him up with their daughters just because they think a loaded bachelor would be the ideal match for their girls. He knows that if he did succumb to the pressure and took them up on their offers, they would never want for anything. Being financially secure has it's perks. Jeongguk is not conceited- he's from a humble background, a regular middle class family with a salaryman father, a stay at home mom and two kids. But he's self aware.
Jeongguk knows all the the attention being lavished on him is a direct byproduct of his steadily growing fame and publicly known net worth of more than eight million dollars. He knows, as a husband, he's a good catch. His wife will wear dresses from the best French haute couture houses and they'll walk the red carpet, lights flashing as they pose for a movie premier. She'll have personal stylists too, and professional make up artists at her service and of course, the chance to appear on the cover of a carefully airbrushed magazine, if she so desires. She'll have maids waiting on her, would never have to work again.
His parents would be happy too, he supposes. He's still young, but he's had more than a few prospects thrust in his face the moment he's turned eighteen. It's been hard to turn them down, especially when they've come from associates- like the daughter of his father's boss, for example. His grandmother too, likes to play matchmaker and she's even brought over pictures over the years.
"A pretty little thing", she'd nodded towards the photos he'd clutched awkwardly, "Quiet and demure, the perfect match for our young Jeongguk."
But the thing is.. Jeongguk knows he won't be able to keep either of those girls happy. He isn't interested, isn't available. Not emotionally. No amount of persuasion can convince him otherwise. The thing is, Jeongguk.. Jeongguk might've gotten himself into a.. a situation. A somewhat problematic situation.
Jeongguk has a boyfriend. Which in itself, is kind of risky for an idol, because he is not sure how it will go down with his parents, let alone with the nation. Or the world, really. He's not.. he doesn't mean to brag but BTS is on it's way to becoming a household name these days so..
But that's not the issue, per se, that's got him on edge right now- having a boyfriend. You see, Jeongguk doesn’t have an ordinary, run-of-the-mill boyfriend, no sir, he does not.
What Jeongguk has is a half boyfriend, and therein, precisely, lies his problem.
Jeongguk doesn't want to go home, doesn't want to face the nameless girls who want to date him because he's taken. The thing is, he's considerably less taken than he'd like. His boyfriend is one the best people he's met, so easy to love, but sometimes, it's not enough. For starters, they're not exactly official. Of course, that's probably out of the question, but Jeongguk wouldn't mind it, if people knew. He'd like to go public, he'd like to kiss in the streets and have one of those Instagram accounts where ulzzang couples post cute pictures. He'd appreciate a grand declaration of love. He's always had an unhealthy obsession with those clichéd scenes in high school romance dramas where the love interest climbs onto a table in the cafeteria and professes his love for the lead character.
Jeongguk knows his boyfriend wouldn't have any qualms with indulging him. He's cheesy like that. A softie. But as it is, none of their group members, not even a single one of their hyungs is privy to their little secret. They probably have their own suspicions, but they seem content to let sleeping dogs lie. He understands the need for this behavior, that it's the least he can do for the company, for the group that made him who he is. He's seen how scandals have ruined the lives of fellow idols, but somehow it just makes whatever they have seem fake. And it might as well be, because when it's just the two of them that know about it, it's not like it has any recognition in the real world.
He.. Maybe it's wrong of him to want it, but he wants his boyfriend to be more possessive. He's too nice, too lenient and he never bats an eye when Jeongguk has to go home and gets urged to take pretty girls on dates. No, when Jeongguk had mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, his hyung had just ruffled his hair and kissed his supposedly bunny-like nose.
"Poor Jeonggukie", he'd chuckled, "I wonder what will happen this time."
And he'd left it at that. Some people might have enjoyed the.. the implied freedom, but Jeongguk doesn't. He wants his hyung to get jealous, get pissed with Jeongguk's overbearing relatives and family friends. He wants him to oppose them, defend him, wants him to react the way a real boyfriend would. He knows it would put both their careers at stake and it's not like he's got a death wish, but he wishes they didn't have to be so secretive all the time.
But that's not his boyfriend's fault, now, is it?
His boyfriend's fault is that he's out, Christmas shopping with all the hyungs, oblivious to the fact that Jeongguk is in his room having a nervous breakdown. His boyfriend's fault is that he tells Jeongguk he loves him, but is generous with his 'saranghaes', doling them out to fans and friends and acquaintances without a moment's hesitation. He is close to everyone, most notably the renowned actor Park Bogum and almost the entire cast of the drama he'd made his acting debut with, that he collectively refers to as the Hwarang hyungs. Jeongguk isn't jealous, but sometimes he wonders if his boyfriend really loves him, or just sees him as a sort of younger brother figure. Because while he does like cuddling and calling Jeongguk his 'cute baby Jeonggukkie', it's something he does with Jimin, too, and there's nothing going on between them.
Jeongguk wants to be spoiled by his boyfriend, and spoil him in return. He wants him to buy him something nice, something fancy, dress him in Gucci from head to toe. He wants to take him to museums and art galleries because he knows he has an appreciation for the fine arts. He wants to go out on romantic dates, because they can say it's just an outing if the netizens speculate, can't they? It's funny though, how despite claiming he likes Jeongguk more than a certain Park Bogum, his boyfriend has gone on more dates with the actor than with him.
Lately, his hyung has been closed off. Quieter. It's.. it's probably just that he's growing up and wants to lose old labels, shed off the '4D alien' image, but Jeongguk still finds it strange. His boyfriend is confident and he's never been one to worry about others' opinions on his appearance. He's the kind of guy who cut holes in expensive clothing to make it look pretty. He's the guy who showed off his zits and blemishes with pride in his vlogs, instead of hiding them under several layers of concealer like any other idol would. He's the guy who made weird noises and spoke in made up languages and talked to seaweed and thought a rabbit lived on the moon.
"But you're cuter than him", he'd said, "Don't worry Jeonggukie. You'll always be my favorite bunny."
So yeah. It's.. It's unexpected and it scares him. Jeongguk can understand wanting to get rid of old labels, wanting to go take on a more mature role. They constantly reinvent themselves with every comeback, so it's not really a foreign concept to him. He thinks he can understand it if his hyung wants to be taken more seriously. But he'd appreciate it if he actually sat him down and talked to him about it. Instead, his boyfriend has shrunk away from him, opting to spend more time with his best friend, his precious Jiminie. They've begun to spend more and more time together and they spend hours whispering together, confidential discussions in their shared room after which his hyung emerges looking more tense than usual. Jeongguk is worried about him. It doesn't make sense and he doesn’t like it at all.
If his boyfriend had a problem with him, he'd say so, wouldn't he? It makes Jeongguk wonder if he's considering breaking up or something, and he's consulting Jimin about how he should proceed with it.
Jeongguk is probably getting paranoid. Half boyfriend or not, his hyung wouldn't be so cruel. He's.. He's the most innocent and pure person Jeongguk knows, he isn't the kind who'd plan and scheme shit behind his back. On some level, Jeongguk realizes he's overreacting, but he has no experience with this shit. He's hopelessly in love and confused and.. and.. he doesn't know what to do.
For instance, although it's kind of embarrassing to think about it, there's the thing about the physical side of their relationship. Or the lack of thereof. His boyfriend cannot go without touching him for a minute, but it's platonic, all of it. And lately, the amount of touching has gone down and Jeongguk doesn't know if their hectic schedule is the only culprit, or his boyfriend just isn't interested anymore. That would be horrific, wouldn't it, if he'd lost interest? Jeongguk knows he looks good, the mirror tells him he is and his fans will scream and call him sexy, but if his lover isn't attracted to him anymore, there isn't much he can do about it, is there?
There has been kissing, though. Rushed, messy kissing behind closed doors and around corners. Awkward fumbling in the dark. Chaste kisses in the mornings when they've shared hotel rooms. Hungry kisses after shows, when the adrenaline had still been high. There's been a couple of times when they've gotten drunk and ended up giving eachother hand jobs, but his boyfriend does not like to get drunk, so there haven't been any repeat occurrences in the recent past. And besides, if they're together, they shouldn't have to get wasted to get intimate, right?
Jeongguk suspects his boyfriend thinks he's protecting him or something, because, well, he's kind of old fashioned like that. He's made his thoughts on random hookups pretty clear on The Ellen Show, but he's never said anything to him, nothing explicitly. This is a loving relationship though, and not a hookup, Jeongguk thinks, or at least it's supposed to be. But no, Jeongguk's man probably wants to wait for his wedding night and guess what? Gay weddings are not a thing in South Korea yet and Jeongguk thinks it would be a fucking pity if both of them died virgins.
It's not like his hyung is a bad boyfriend. He's very understanding and smart and funny and talented and he doesn’t even get mad at Jeongguk when he's an asshole. It's just that it tends to feel like he's not as invested in their relationship as Jeongguk is. Jeongguk wants something more wholesome. More tangible. More official and more sexual. He knows he should try to talk, that a proper discussion is necessary, but he doesn't know how to breach the topic. He's not good with expressing himself, and the ironic thing is that his boyfriend actually is.
And Jeongguk's a bit scared okay? He really likes his hyung. Loves him, if he's being honest and he doesn’t want to lose him. He's afraid of saying something wrong and messing things up. If you're in love, a half boyfriend is better than no boyfriend at all, right?
He feels a familiar softness in his hands and stills, clutching it to his chest as he takes in the mess around him. What, exactly, has he been doing all this while? It seems like a whirlwind has hit the room while he's been lost in thought. Random clothes are scattered all over the place and it looks like he's been haphazardly pulling them out of his closet and throwing it at his bag, which, by the way, is overflowing, despite the lack of essential articles. He doesn't remember packing the important stuff, like underwear or socks and although he's probably got some pairs lying at his actual house, he isn't too sure, doesn't think he shouldn't risk it. At some point along the way, he's started thinking of the dorms as his home and going back to Busan has turned into a sort of a visit to a holiday home. The lines have become blurred, and he's hardly realized it.
He glances at the balled up fabric he's been cradling. Jeongguk.. isn't really one for dramatics. Any other day and he'd have laughed at the way he's reacting. But he's not sure where he stands in this, he just feels confused and angry and.. and lonely. One moment, everything was perfect.. But then. But then the lines blurred and suddenly, Jeongguk's eyes start to blur too. He's not crying, he isn't.
He kicks his bag shut and sinks to the floor. He's supposed to be happy. He's supposed to be happy cause he's going to Busan and he rarely does, didn't even get to see his family for Chuseok. Funny though, how things like that seem trivial when you bring a half boyfriend into the picture.
The media make it seem easy, being a twenty something in love. And sometimes it is. Sometimes Jeongguk will lie in bed swaddled in blankets and watch his lover trace patterns on his ankles with his pretty fingers. Sometimes they'll be coming back from a photoshoot and Jeongguk will see his hyung smiling at someone's pet dog, or a random baby. And his face will light up so brightly and he'll look so beautiful despite his sweaty clothes and smudged makeup that Jeongguk will not be able to resist whipping out his own camera and trying to capture the moment. And there will be moments when he'll look so.. so sinful on stage that Jeongguk will want to just throw a sheet over him and cart him off because as much as he loves their fans, there's some expressions he'd like to keep to himself.
But then there will be days like today.
Days when Jeongguk is too tired to keep up the façade of being alright with the sort of relationship they have. Days when he'll try to hold the wobbly sandcastle they've managed to build in place, only to find it crumble into his hands. Days when he is so frustrated, so scared he wants to scream and break things. Tear that stupid heart shaped 'Tata' cushion silently judging him from its place on his bed.
You know what? Maybe he will.
Jeongguk reaches out for the gift, so dumb and cheesy.. yet innocent if the others were to come across it. Stupid smiling heart ass, always reminding him of its creator. Suddenly, though, there is a creak. He looks up at once, expecting Yoongi, or a staff member, but to his surprise, there doesn't seem to be anyone behind the door. Jeongguk turns away, but a low shuffling sound persists and the next thing he knows, there's a little brown puppy, padding towards him.
"Tan?" He frowns, dropping the red cushion back on his bed. "What are you doing here?"
The puppy yips and launches itself at him, tugging at his pant leg until he crouches down and lets him climb onto his lap. When he does so, the pup goes wild, jumping all over him, scrambling to get to his face in excitement.
Jeongguk draws his knees towards himself and buries his face in Yeontan's fur. The little Pomeranian twists upwards and licks his face. Maybe his face tastes salty, because the puppy seems to notice. His comical angry eyebrows scrunch up and Jeongguk can't help but let out a soft laugh. He thinks back to the time they adopted him, how nervous he'd been, how giddy his hyung had felt. How they'd clutched eachother's hands that night, because it.. it had definitely been a step in the right direction.
Yeontan nudges his palm with his adorable little nose, and Jeongguk strokes his beautiful, silky coat. It's soft and the repeated action has a calming effect on him. It seems to have a similar effect on Yeontan too, because the puppy dozes off right in his arms. Jeongguk smiles and leans against the wall with a somewhat contented sigh.
He will talk to his hyung when he gets back. He won't be scared to ask for the things he needs. Maybe it won't be a walk in the park, because there's things out there that are beyond his control but he won't give up, not this easy. He.. he loves his hyung, and he doesn't know what went wrong, not exactly. But his hyung used to look at him as though he'd hung the moon, as though he was the fucking rabbit on the moon and Jeongguk.. Jeongguk wants it back. He wants the starry eyed smiles and the soft kisses. The gentle touches and the heated glances. His hyung coaxed him out of his shell when he was a shy kid who couldn't even bear to change his clothes or eat around the others.
Jeongguk is aware it's not like he can magically cure his restlessness with a kiss. As much as he longs for his perfect fairy tale ending, this is his actual life, and while he's definitely doing well, professionally, the onscreen camaraderie is hardly the same as what goes on behind closed doors. But Jeongguk can be patient, or at least he'll try his very best to. If his hyung is going through something, Jeongguk will be supportive, give him space- or a helping hand if he wants it.
Yeontan nuzzles the crook of his elbow and Jeongguk yawns, petting the top of his little head. Better days are coming, he's sure of it.
Jeon Jeongguk has a half boyfriend and a full puppy son and he's determined to make it work.