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Joe enjoyed these peaceful moments afterwards. David lay half on top of him, absently stroking Joe's side at his waist. They were still catching their breath, and his heart rate hadn't quite returned to normal. He ran his hand through David's thinning hair.
A smile played on Joe's lips.
David's hand wandered up Joe's arm and then down his chest, stopping briefly at his nipple. He drew indistinct patterns in the chest hair, but Joe didn't think he was even aware of what he was doing.
It wasn't that David was never quiet, even though it would seem that way to some people. David could be completely still, and Joe loved him in those moments, when there were no words between them, just a connection through look and touch and that undefinable something that made it impossible for them to stay away from each other.
Today he was a different kind of quiet though. Joe could see that he was deep in thought.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked softly.
David didn't stop playing with his chest hair, and for a moment Joe wasn't sure if he had even heard the question.
"This isn't how I imagined my life," David said, not looking up.
Joe sucked in a breath, trying not to tense up visibly. They'd been there before. They'd tried to end it, tried to do the 'right' thing.
"Not that," David said quickly, looking up at Joe and leaning in to give him a quick kiss.
Joe kissed back, relaxing again. David settled back onto his chest.
"I used to know what I want," David said by way of explanation.
Joe wasn't entirely sure what he meant. He himself had come to terms with wanting what he couldn't have.
"I wanted a job that I love and a family."
"You have that," Joe pointed out, tickling David's ear.
David put a hand on Joe's chest and his chin on top of that, looking at him. "I want to stay the night."
Joe watched him, then reached out to stroke his hair again. There was nothing he could say to that.
David studied him intently as if he was looking for the answer to all of life's questions and hoped to find it in Joe's face.
Then suddenly the scrutiny was over, and David dropped his head on Joe's chest. He nuzzled the place over Joe's heart and murmured something so quietly that Joe couldn't understand it.
"What?" he asked, hand still on David's head.
David peeked up at him, then looked back at Joe's chest. "I think I know what I want now." He looked up at Joe, almost carefully, then leaned forward to kiss him quickly and got up.
Joe always hated the moment when David had to leave, but now, as he watched him dress, he felt it was more than that this time. David only stole quick glances at him and his expression was one that Joe knew. It was the slightly sad one that David had when he had to cancel because something had come up with Jane even though he really wished he could be with Joe.
Had David only now come to that point, realizing that he wouldn't stop wanting this even though it was impossible? Or was it something else?
"David?"
David sat down on the bed, buttoning up his shirt. When he was done, he said, "I gotta go," leaned down, kissed Joe and pulled back again.
Joe put a hand on his arm, before he could get up. He hesitated for a second, uncertain now, but then asked, "So, what is it that you want?"
David looked at him for a moment, then a smile played on his lips. "For you to not have to ask that question."
Joe smiled back, the tension that he hadn't really been aware of easing in his chest. They wanted the same thing and it felt good, even if they would never have it.
David got up, and Joe's hand slid down his arm to his hand, holding onto it until the last possible moment.
"I'll call you," David said, and Joe just smiled at him and watched him go.
He settled back on the bed, replaying David's kisses and touches and whispered words in his head. He couldn't imagine that he'd ever stop wanting this. And if they were condemned to never have it, at least he knew he wasn't alone in his wanting.
~~
Outside David leaned against the door and exhaled.
He wished he could tell Joe what he really wanted. But it was too soon for that. He'd only just admitted it to himself, and he knew that Joe wasn't ready, might never be ready. And David had to admit that he was a bit scared himself.
He'd known that he wanted Joe for a long time.
But now he also knew that he wanted to stop accepting that they couldn't have this.
Because if they really wanted it enough, they could have it.
He'd just have to wait for the moment when he wasn't alone wanting it.