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It was lunchtime at South Park elementary.
The boys’ table was missing a few of its usual occupants due to a book club that had to be rescheduled from an after-school meeting to a lunch meeting, which majority of the table was a part of. Out of all the boys, only Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Jimmy, Butters and Token had remained.
For Cartman, this was a good opportunity to talk about the other boys behind their backs.
Especially Craig.
“What?!” Butters exclaimed, nearly dropping the Coke can he was drinking. “Craig’s having an affair?!”
“Is it that M-Mic-Michael kid a-aga-again?” Jimmy stammered out.
“God, I wish,” Cartman took a bite from his burger. “Craig really set his standards low this time around.”
As always, Kyle shoots a glare towards Cartman’s direction. “That’s bullshit. You just want to start shit for Tweek and Craig cause you’re still bitter about your breakup with Heidi!”
Cartman let out a loud scoff, looking incredibly offended by Kyle’s claim. “For your information, I am totally over that bitch. That was really uncalled for, Kahl.”
Kenny casted a glance over at Kyle himself. “That was kind of uncalled for, dude”
“I thought you of all people would understand, Kyle!” Butters added, an angry look on his face. He was obviously still hurt from his breakup with his Canadian girlfriend.
The rest of the other boys quietly voiced their agreements as Kyle looked on in disbelief. He looked over at Cartman, who was casting a smug look at Kyle himself. Kyle wasn’t going to have it.
“Ok, OK! So maybe I did cross some boundaries there, BUT let’s not ignore what’s the real issue here,” Kyle looked over at Cartman once more. “Tell us, fatass. Have you ever seen Craig with this guy together?”
“Why yes, I have.” Carman sounded confident in his answer. “In fact, I’ve seen them all over the place. They’re practically having sex all over the place. In the halls. In the playground. Hell, I’ve even saw ‘em at Craig’s house a couple of times and there’s no doubt they’re fucking there too.”
Everyone was staring at him with wide eyes and their mouths gaping, absolutely too shocked and stunned to properly respond to what the fuck Cartman was saying. It was too vivid of an image to simply ignore. After a few moments of silence, Kyle finally spoke up.
“WHAT?!”
Next was Kenny. “So who’s Craig’s new boytoy?”
“Dude!” Kyle shoots him with an exasperated look. “You don’t really believe this bullshit, do you?”
“Weeeeell, if you’re dying to know,” Cartman took a big chug from his Diet Double Dew, keeping everyone in suspense. He let out a huge blech and wiped the remnants of the soda from his lips before answering the question. “It’s Red.”
The boys stared at him in disbelief.
“Red. As in, one of the popular girls, Red?” Butters asked.
“Yup.”
“As in, t-the one that was d-dating Kev-Kevin S-Sto-Stoley, Red?” Jimmy added in.
“Mmhm.”
“Red, as in ‘that one chick who would rather name herself after a color than be called Bertha’ Red?” Kenny chimed in.
“Jesus Christ, YES!” Cartman shrieked. “There’s only one goddamn Red in this freaking school!”
Token gave him a skeptical look. “But Craig and Red hate each other.”
“Oh yeah?” Cartman took out his phone and went to the photos app. He swiped through the photos before showing his phone to everyone at the table. “How do you explain this ?”
On the screen was a very clingy Red grabbing at Craig’s arm, who was giving her a very annoyed sneer.
Token swiped the phone away from Cartman. “Let me see that.”
“AY!”
Token was holding close enough for Jimmy to also see and began looking through the photo library together. As the swiped through, their faces began to look more and more concerned with each photo. Kyle didn’t like the look on their faces.
“T-This isn’t looking good…” Jimmy muttered.
“There’s probably an explanation for this,” Token adamantly reassured Jimmy. He didn’t want to believe one of his closest friends was a big time cheater, especially when that same friend is dating another close friend of his. “Right?”
“I d-dunno, man. Remember M-Mic-Michael?”
Token grimaced.
“I can’t take it anymore,” Kyle grabbed the phone out of Token’s hands and began looking through the pictures himself. Both Kenny and Butters leaned in to see just what was up on Cartman’s phone.
“Oh that’s cool, guys! Just fucking play hot potato with my phone, don’t cha?!”
Kyle ignored him.
As he swiped through the photos, the adamant look on Kyle’s face lessened more and more as the story further unfolds. From the photos, he can see Red acting seemingly very friendly towards Craig, who had his back to the camera. As the photos progressed, Red was becoming more and more touchy-feely towards Craig, shoving and nudging him a bit. Craig, on the other hand, appeared as if he was looking to see if anyone was watching, looking suspicious himself.
The Red and Craig encounter ends with Red going into Craig’s house, also looking around if anyone was watching the both of them.
Kyle set the phone down, completely in shock and awe. “Dude…”
Butters had tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe Craig is lying snake just like the rest of the girls in school...”
Token slammed his hand down on the table, spooking the crap out of Butters and catching few of the other students’ attention. “Look! I know it looks bad but Craig wouldn’t cheat on Tweek. Tweek means everything to him, it wouldn’t make sense!”
Cartman yanked his phone away and aggressively pointed at the screen, which was still showing Red going into Craig’s house. “The evidence doesn’t lie, Token! Craig’s a cheating douchebag, get over it!”
Token opened his mouth to answer but Jimmy interrupted him.
“T-Token, C-Craig’s my friend too but I gotta side with C-Cart-Cartman on this one. It’s not the f-fir-first time he’s d-done this.”
Token gave Jimmy an exasperated look, shocked at how easily Jimmy took Cartman’s side. He buried his face into his hands and was shaking his head, unable to accept what was going on. “No, no...Craig wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t…”
The boys took a moment to have a moment of silence due to the bombshell Cartman had dropped, the awkward pain of tension filling up the boy’s table. Jimmy and Kyle were consoling Token and Butters respectively while Kenny sat in awkward silence and Cartman was just casually scrolling through his phone.
Boy, was sitting with Craig at lunch going to be a lot more awkward with his reputation of being a cheating bastard making a comeback.
Kenny brought up an even more uncomfortable topic to discuss about. “How are we breaking this to Tweek?”
“No,” Token blurted out. “No, we can’t tell Tweek-”
“We can’t tell Tweek what?”
The new voice immediately caught everyone’s attention. They turned to see Tweek standing there, lunch tray in his hands and twitching like normal. It appears he didn’t overhear the entire conversation but his paranoia was telling him otherwise.
“What’s -ngh- going on, guys?” Tweek asked. “What the hell are you talking about??”
The boys felt very tense and awkward by Tweek’s sudden appearance, silently looking at each other with the message “who’s telling him?” laid out out over their faces. The last thing they wanted was Tweek getting upset .
“Well?” Tweek was getting impatient. “Say something!”
Cartman was the first to speak.
“Well, Token? What do you have to say to Tweek?”
“Me?!”
Butters couldn’t hold it back anymore. “CRAIG’S A LYING, CHEATING SNAKE AND YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER, TWEEK!!”
Butter’s outburst managed to catch everyone’s attention. A few of them were already whispering to one another about the drama behind Craig’s unfaithfulness, some looking at Tweek with the most sympathetic of looks.
Tweek was stunned beyond belief. “.... What ?”
Kyle cupped Butter’s mouth, trying to silence him.
Tweek let out a nervous and awkward laugh. “Y-You’re kidding, right? C’mon guys, Craig wouldn’tdo that . If this is aboutthat -ngh- Michael incident-”
Unfortunately, Butters was too much for only Kyle to handle. “IT’S TRUE! ERIC SHOWED US PHOTOS OF HIM WITH RED! IT’S ON HIS PHONE!”
Tweek glanced at the iPhone in Cartman’s hands, which Token caught note of. Before anyone else could make a move, Token practically threw himself at Cartman, trying to grab his phone. Unfortunately, Cartman wasn’t cooperating and held the phone out of Token’s reach as he tried pushing the boy off of him.
“Give me the phone, fatass!”
“TOKEN, YOU BLACK ASSHOLE! GET OFF OF ME!”
As the struggle between the two went on, Kyle let go of Butters and left his seat to try and quell the quarrel between the two. He grabbed Token around the waist and held him back, Jimmy helping out by grabbing ahold of his shoulders. Cartman scooted a few inches away from the desperate boy, still holding his phone out of reach.
“Cartman!” Token cried out. “You can’t let Tweek see those photos!”
Cartman scoffed. “As if I’m gonna let Twink grab my phone-”
And just like that, Tweek grabbed Cartman’s phone out of his hand.
“AY!”
The aura in the room felt absolutely tense as they watched Tweek quickly scrolling through the photo library, searching for what he needed to see. He was twitching even more than usual and gritting his teeth to the point someone could’ve sworn they heard his teeth cracking. He slammed his lunch tray down on the table as he gets more and more obsessed with finding the photo evidence Butters claimed existed through all the food and Mr. Kitty photos Cartman had stored in his phone.
“Jesusfucking Christ man, wherearethe photos - WHERE ARE THE PHOTOS !!” Tweek screeched out.
Kenny was the only one who was brave enough to dare speak up. “Hey man, you should get off that phone and sit down-”
“I swear to fucking GOD , McCormick , if you don’t shut talking, I will-”
Tweek stopped talking.
Tweek stopped twitching.
Chills ran down boys’ spines.
Tweek found what he was looking for.
“Tweek,” Token got out of his seat and slowly walked on over to Tweek, who was being eerily calm about his discovery. “Tweek, let’s be rational about this-”
Tweek slams the phone to the ground in a furious rage, completely shattering the home screen. He let out a series of angry shrieks as everyone reacted with complete horror. Even Cartman was in complete horror, despite the loss of his new iPhone X.
Ignoring his own personal safety, Token immediately went to try and calm Tweek down. Unfortunately, this resulted in Token getting punched in the face by a flailing Tweek.
“Don’tfucking TRY CALMMING ME DOWN!!” Tweek had become so overwhelmed with rage, there were tears in his eyes. “YOU TRIED TO HIDE THIS - ACK - SHIT FROM ME !”
Token looked guilty. “Because I know you’d react like this! I was going to tell you later-”
“Idon’twanttohear FUCKING EXCUSES !!” Tweek was grabbing at his hair so hard, he was close to yanking out chunks of his hair.
“Tweek-”
“I’MGONNAFUCKING KILL HIM!”
“Tweek, wait-!”
Not bothering to hear Token out, Tweek immediately booked it out of the lunchroom, nearly knocking over anyone who was in his way. Anyone who was smart enough immediately got out of Tweek’s way before he even reached them. Even with doors slammed closed, one could still hear Tweek’s shrieking as he heads to his destination.
Everyone continued to stare at the lunchroom door in tense and awkward silence, still completely terrified at what the fuck just happened. Token, who was rubbing the sore check where Tweek had punched him, felt a sick feeling in his gut, afraid what Tweek was gonna do to Craig when he gets to him. The other boys merely stared at the door, not knowing what to say to break the silence. It was the first time anyone had seen Tweek act out like that...at all.
Finally, it was Cartman who broke the silence.
"Good job, Token .”
Token responded by socking him in the gut.
“What I feel about this book,” Stan holds up a copy of Twilight in his hand, “I think it’s a pile of shit. The characters are shit, the plot is shit and the vampires aren’t even that cool!”
Wendy looked tired. “Then why did you suggest for the book club to read Twilight?”
Stan shrugged. “It had vampires and werewolves in it, I thought it’ll be cool.”
The other book club occupants - Wendy, Bebe, Red, Craig, Clyde, Kevin and Timmy - all let out a huge groan.
“Ok, does anyone here have anything else to say about the book?” Wendy spoke up.
Nearly everyone raised their hand.
“Any insightful comments?”
Everyone immediately put their hand down.
Wendy slammed the book shut, almost ready to declare the meeting over. “ Great .”
Clyde raised his hand. “I just watched the movie. Is that ok?”
Before anyone could give a proper answer, Tweek swung the doors open, alerting everyone, including the book club, of his presence.
“YOU GODDAMN TWO TIMING SON OF A BITCH !”
Clyde cowered in fear. “I didn’t know it was that bad..”
Tweek marched on over to where the book club was, his fists clenched in anger and ready to beat someone up. As he had some experience dealing with this side of Tweek, Craig leapt from his chair and moved towards Tweek’s direction, away from the group. The less people away from Tweek, the better.
“Babe, what’s wrong? Why are you acting like this-“
Before Craig knew it, Tweek’s fist suddenly made contact with his nose.
“ACK-” Craig exclaimed, burying his face in his hands. Craig’s voice came out more nasally than usual due to the blow. “Tweek, what the fuck.”
“Ngh, you have somefuckingnerve calling me babe after what you’ve been doing, asshole.” Tweek spat out at Craig.
Craig looked terribly confused. “What? ”
“Craig!” Both Bebe and Red ran to his side, checking up the damage dealt to Craig’s face.
“Holy crap, that looks bad.” Bebe was observing Craig’s face before immediately pulling her hand away where she saw the state of his nose. "Tweek really did a number on you- you’re bleeding!”
Craig blinked and went to feel the substance dripping from his nose. He was bleeding from his nose, indeed.
“Hold on, I think I have some tissues in my bag.” Red spoke up as she scurried to her bag.
“Tweek, what’s the matter with you?!” Bebe scolded him. Her hand was on Craig’s back, helping him standing up right. “You can’t go around punching people, especially your boyfriend!”
“He deserved it! He’s been CHEATING on me!”
Craig froze up as he felt the glares of the other students were on him. He turned his head back to see all of the book club occupants were angrily staring at him; Red, who had been walking back with a tissue packet in her hands, was giving him the stink eye. When he turned to face Bebe, she had let go of him, also giving him a very nasty stink eye.
“Tim-MAY ?!” he heard Timmy spoke up in an obviously angry tone.
“Yeah dude, again ?” Stan added on.
“For fuck’s sake-” Craig marched up to Tweek, not caring if it was going to earn him another one of Tweek’s punches. “I’m NOT cheating on you! You know me better than that!”
Tweek stood his ground, unflinching. “I thought I did!” Tweek had tears in his eyes and his voice was cracking. “I thought I did, Craigory Tucker , but I was wrong. So wrong .”
Craig couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“I bet it’s that Michael guy again.” Red spoke up.
Before Craig could voice his frustrations at the redhead, Tweek did instead. “Oh, don’t think you’re so innocent here, BERTHA. You’re just as guilty as Craig fucking Tucker here!”
Red furrowed her brows. She was confused at the sudden accusation sure, but she was even more annoyed at hearing anyone referring to her by her first name. “Excuse me? What are you trying to say?”
Tweek shoved Craig out of the way and marched on up to Red. He was staring her straight in the way, practically invading her personal bubble. “I know about you and Craig! I CAN’T believe he’s cheating on me with a weirdo who wants to be named after a FREAKING COLOR !”
Awkward silence rolled into the room once again.
Clyde and Stan turned to Kevin with concerned faces, knowing he and Red’s breakup was surely still a fresh wound in Kevin’s heart. However, he just waved off their concerns and was directing his attention towards Red, worried about how she’s feeling about the whole alleged bombshell that was dropped in front of everyone.
“Uh Tweek,” Wendy speaks up, “there’s nothing going on between Red and Craig..”
Tweek redirected his anger towards Wendy now. “Seriously, man?! You’re defending them?!”
“Dude, there’s really nothing going on between them,” Clyde spoke up.
“Clyde?!”
Stan got out of his seat and slowly approached the hysterical child. “Tweek, you really need to calm down and let Red and Craig explain-”
“Calm down? CALM DOWN?!” Tweek took a few steps back, not wanting Stan to get any closer to him. “How can you expect me to calm down and letthesetwo ASSHATS brag to my face about how they’re practically-”
“Cousins.” Red blurted out.
“COUSINS-” Tweek immediately cut himself off right there. “W-Wait, what ?”
“Me and Craigory ,” Red glared at Craig, who glared back, “are cousins. Our dads are brothers.”
“Half-brothers,” Craig mumbled out.
Tweek looked at Craig, then at Red, and then at Craig again. He had a weird look on his face as he’s trying to process everything out. It wasn’t until the painful awkward silence had made its way around the room and made everyone pretty uncomfortable that Tweek finally decides to speak up.
“Craig,” He turned to his boyfriend with a look of disgust on his face, “you’re cheating on me...with your cousin ?”
Everyone in the room let out a huge groan, annoyed the implications of the reveal completely went over Tweek’s head.
“What?” Tweek asked, still completely unaware.
Craig moved past Tweek and went out the library door, absolutely done with the bullshit that had just unfolded. Tweek watched him as he slammed the doors, a concerned look on his face. He knew he fucked up this time around.
“Craig? Craig, wait up!” Tweek hurriedly ran after Craig, scurrying out the door.
The other book club occupants awkwardly looked around, unsure what to do next after that whole drama bomb.
“...should we just head back to lunch?” Wendy suggested, just wanting get out of that library fast.
The other kids agreed in unison.
Craig was mad- no. Craig was furious . Never had he felt this pissed off and humiliated in front of everyone at school, all thanks to Tweek... again .
He was marching his way down to the nurse’s office, still clutching onto his bloodied nose as if his life depended on it. He didn’t stop for anyone. Not even Tweek, who was running after him, saying god knows what.
“Craig! Craig, wait up!” Tweek called out for him.
“I don’t want to talk to you.” Craig replied back, not looking back. He was trying real hard to keep his voice calm and controlled like he always does.
“Jesus Christ, man-“ Tweek sped up to him and slowed down when he was closely trailing behind him. “Look, I’m sorry. I know I went a little crazy in there but-“
Craig couldn’t hold it back anymore.
“A LITTLE?!” Craig spun away to face Tweek. There was an absolutely furious look on his face and with all the blood smeared on his face, he was pretty terrifying to look at. “Dude, do you even know how bad you made me look in there?! Not only are people are gonna start thinking I’m some kind of cheating bastard again, but now they’re gonna think I’m into incest like some fucking sicko!”
Tweek furrowed his brows. “I thought you were actually cheating on me! How was I supposed to react?!”
“Not like THAT!” Craig was shaking out of sheer anger, feeling his emotions getting to the best of him. “Bebe’s right, you can’t just go around punching people or screaming at them if you’re upset at them. Did it even occur to you to like actually, I don’t know, talk to me first before broadcasting it to the entire WORLD?”
“I...I didn’t KNOW!” Tweek was tugging at his hair, obviously very tense and anxious. “When I first heard about it, I tried to -ngh- play it cool and think like you said but then I saw the photos on Cartman’s phone and-“
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up,” Craig stopped in his tracks and turned to face Tweek. “Cartman put you up to this ?”
“ Y-Yeah? He told the guys during lunch about all this. They believed him too!”
“For fuck’s sake, I’m going to kick his ass so hard, he’s gonna need an ass transplant. Asshole knows me and Red are related.”
Tweek has an angry look on his face. “I can’t believe I let that -ngh- asshole convince me you were cheating on me.”
Craig turned away and started walking again. “That doesn’t mean I’m not upset with you. You went too far this time, dude.”
“WAIT-“ Tweek cried out. He ran ahead of Craig and blocked his path, wanting to speak to him face to face. “I’m SORRY, ok?! It’s just, what the hell was up with Red in the photos?! Why was she -ngh- getting up in your space like that?? Does she have a thing for you or-“
“What- No, never . What the fuck, Tweek.” Craig stick his tongue out in disgust. “She was trying to get me to agree with her about throwing Tricia a surprise birthday party even though my family already planned a small one for her. You know how she is about getting what she wants. Or in general.”
Tweek began to feel guilty about his outbursts from before. “Well, why didn’t you tell me the two of you were cousins? It sounds like something you should’ve shared with me!”
“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”
Tweek bit his lip and looked at Craig straight in the face. “Look man, I know I’ve said this already but I’m sorry . I shouldn’t have went on a rampage like that. Token’s right, I needed to try and approach this rationally.”
“You need to have better control over your emotions, honey.”
Tweek scoffed. “And what, be more like you?”
Craig couldn't help but give a small smile. “I’m not the one who had a big baby tantrum and broke someone’s nose over a fake rumor from Fatass.”
Tweek gave out a small a pitiful laugh over how ridiculous he was being. Soon after, Craig could help but laugh, ignoring how much it was hurting to laugh because of his nose.
The two continued to laugh for a moment before Tweek suddenly pulled Craig into a tight hug, taking him by surprise.
“Oh god , I’m so sorry. I’m such a freaking -ngh- dumbass.” Tweek muttered out.
“Well,” Craig petted Tweek’s hair, “you could give me a kiss to make it up.”
Tweek stares up at Craig. “Fuck no, your face is covered in blood. What if I -ngh- catch a disease from you and die?”
“I don’t have AIDS, Tweek,“ Craig rolled his eyes. “Fine, how about you make me a batch of those fancy french macarons we got from Denver last month?”
Tweek squinted at him. “But that shit’s hard to make. I don’t even know how to make them!”
“Oh, I think you’re gonna have plenty of time to learn how.”
“Huh?”
As if on cue, the intercom went off, blaring PC Principal's voice throughout the halls:
“ TWEEK TWEAK, PLEASE REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. ”
Tweek stood there in shock as Craig let himself out from his boyfriend’s presence.
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” Tweek screeched.
“Causing a disruption might get you a couple of hours of detention,” Craig explained. “Beating up another student might get you suspended for a few days. Probably more since I’m gay.”
“You’re dating me, wouldn’t that cancel out?!”
Craig shrugged.
Tweek let out a frustrated shriek.
“C’mon,” Craig put a reassuring hand on Tweek’s shoulder. “Walk me to the Nurse’s office first?”
Tweek let out a heavy sigh and looked back at him with a defeated look on his face. “Sure.”