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When can one tell he's met the right one? Should there be signs calling out to you? Will those heart racing signals be present? Or will you simply know when you look them in the eye?
What would you do?
When you experience these things altogether, but you know, deep down, that he is not the one?
It should have been over the first time their lips touched. When the night fell silent at that unexpected moment and the moon smiled down at them contentedly. When Jihoon's surprised black orbs searched Guanlin's shaking ones in the room he shared with him after they moved to the new dorms. No one breathed for a second, but a tiny crack of smile appeared on the younger's face right after.
To say he didn't feel anything would be Jihoon's biggest lie of the year. And it's only been the first month of it. He blinked in confusion; half angry for being taken advantage of, half thrilled because it took his breath away. The ground suddenly felt unsteady and his legs seemed like jelly when Guanlin's gummy smile reached his ears.
Arms engulfed him in a hug, thin limbs perfectly caging his broader form, when he heard those words for the first time.
"You are very important to me, hyung."
He knew he was supposed to stop it from that moment. Should have closed his eyes and pushed him back. Could have told him that he was wrong.
But what Jihoon did wasn't what he must have done.
"You're important to me, too, Guanlin."
And that's not where he realized his mistake. No, it took him a few more months to see that it — whatever relationship they have at the time — was nothing but a mere fantasy. The absurdity of it gently seeping into his rationale, knocking him down one by one as their days run out.
The first kiss was followed by another, and another, and feelings were getting stronger, a lot stronger — sometimes it gets harder to breathe. It's starting to make him dizzy, images swimming in his head and his emotions playing out on extremes.
The members seemed to notice how Jihoon gradually lost focus, became more timid, and had been more sensitive around others but everyone was more or less getting restless as well as they only have half the year left til the disbandment.
But to one person, it was something he can't ignore.
"Is there a problem?" Guanlin sighed from the other end of the room, body tucked under the comfort of his blankets while he faced Jihoon's back slouched in his own sheets after a long tiring day.
It was dark but he saw the little movement of Jihoon's head, shaking once.
Another sigh escaped his lips but he continued to stare at his form from behind.
"Are you scared?" His voice was softer this time. The question left hanging as no reply came.
Sure that he's not sleeping, Guanlin continued.
"I'm scared." He stated, shifting so he was lying flat on his back, gazing at nothingness on the ceiling. "I'm scared that once this is all over, we'd be busy with our own lives. Scared that the hyungs might not have the time to meet up often. Hell, I'm scared that we might not even do well even before this is all over. So many things can happen in such a short period of time.
Glancing to the other bed positioned across from him, Guanlin can see that Jihoon had not moved an inch.
The past few days were hard for all of them, what with their fully packed schedules and tour rehearsals coinciding together. There was no more room for other things, and so Guanlin had no chance to talk to Jihoon alone apart from when they're back at home, in their rooms where everyone takes the opportunity to get their much needed rest no matter how short the period is. The last three days, he gave him space. They both knew they needed that healing time alone in order to recover from their busy daylight activities.
But Guanlin couldn't stand the way Jihoon distances himself from them anymore. It's not a new fact that Jihoon has the tendency to act like it especially when stressed. It just didn't appease Guanlin that he just stood there watching, not doing anything.
So he sat up on his bed and looked at Jihoon's way.
"So if you're scared, then I won't be." He found his slippers and dragged his feet towards the other bed.
"It's ok to feel things," Guanlin picked up the end of the blanket and made room for himself.
"To be disappointed." The bed dipped as he sat beside Jihoon's form, back still facing him.
"To be scared," he whispered as he laid down next to him, covering himself under the bundle of sheets that strongly smelled just like Jihoon.
"To be angry." The words came out as a whisper as he scooted closer, face a few inches away from his nape.
"And to feel lost." An arm snaked around Jihoon's waist and he felt his warmth from behind as Guanlin rested his forehead at the back of his head.
"It's all ok." They stayed that way; Jihoon closing his eyes at the sensation of just Guanlin being close to him and Guanlin holding on to the person he cared for the most.
It felt as if things were ok; everything's in place. Jihoon momentarily pushed his thoughts back, ignored his sense of reason, and let the night consume him in his weakest point.
For a moment, he thought Guanlin had fallen asleep by the way his breath brushed his skin in an even manner. In this relationship, he knew his efforts never compared to Guanlin's, and he decided to keep it that way. At the end of it all, he would understand that everything is pointless. That none of it would matter in time. And for a while, Jihoon believed that Guanlin was contented with that. And maybe, that would make all of it easier.
Jihoon can't remember when he ever held back the hand resting on his stomach from the embrace. Closing his eyes tightly, he brushed his thumb on his skin, gently sweeping back and forth a few times before he clamped a hand on the younger’s wrist to take it off of him; to break that embrace he longed for so much.
Even Cinderella knows that fantasies must end before the time runs out.
But what surprised him was that the hand never let go. The hug grew tighter, their bodies drawn closer, feeling the boy bury his head on his nape from behind. Guanlin wasn’t sleeping, and he further confirmed it when he started to speak, voice shaking.
“So please,” as if a continuation of his last words. “Don’t push me away.”
The hand that wanted to break away, the one that Jihoon used to firmly grip the one that’s keeping him down, fell limp at those words. The room turned dead quiet as Jihoon finally realized his mistake. The silence swallowed them whole along with the peaceful night.
The only sound that followed was that of Jihoon’s heart constricting tighter in pain. But it was incomparable to the deafening noise of Guanlin’s heart breaking into pieces.
“It’s a mistake.” That constant whisper inside his head doesn’t leave him as he continued to practice that morning.
Nothing could be more stressful than waking up to do what you last did before you went to sleep. And that cycle repeated itself for weeks for Jihoon and his members. The tour was just days away and none of them had any right to waste time and lose focus. At the rate things were playing out, they don’t have much time for fooling around.
“It’s a mistake.” Was what accompanied Jihoon all throughout those times he’s left alone in the studio to practice.
“It’s a mistake.”
Whenever Guanlin passes him a water bottle during their 5-minute breaks.
“It’s a mistake.”
When Guanlin sends him a tired smile from across the room when he’s singled out by the choreographer to polish the steps. Exhausted, nonetheless, smiling happily at him.
“It’s a mistake.”
When Jihoon misses a step because his gaze unconsciously lingered at that familiar gummy smile.
“It’s a mistake.”
When Jihoon’s heart aches because he knew he never deserved that.
“It’s a mistake.”
Because no matter how much he receives, he can’t will himself to give back. Not when he knew he had chosen long ago. That sooner or later, Jihoon only wanted Park Jihoon. And if it meant he had to turn his back, he eventually would.
“Cause it’s a mistake.” Jihoon had to tell Guanlin that.
It was now or never.
Final rehearsals ended that day. It was time for the main event everyone’s been waiting for. The day Wanna One is to hold a world tour before the year ends. Before everyone goes their separate ways. So to mark such an important part of the project, the production team decided to celebrate the success of their future shows the day before the press con.
And for Jihoon, it had to end.
On their way to the vans after freshening up at the dorms, after all the attempts Jihoon had to try the moment they arrived which were in vain because they were never alone, he finally succeeded pulling Guanlin away from the others. He heard the rustle from the other room, most probably Jaehwan running back to grab something he had left and Minhyun scolding him at the door. The loud voices came from outside, mostly from Jisung hurrying up the kids and Daniel asking no one in particular for his electric swatter.
But Jihoon paid no attention at all the ruckus because the one he needed was right in front of him. Eyes innocently staring back at him, a small smile playing on his lips as Jihoon locked the door to their room before facing him again.
“Let’s talk.” Jihoon nervously squeaked, hands rubbing together to distract himself. “I’ll make it fast.”
Guanlin nodded. He was always the one patiently waiting for him.
It took a whole minute before Jihoon could speak again. He let himself drown in those orbs for that short moment, taking in everything to register what he would be missing from then on.
It amazes him how Guanlin could always stay so calm despite every situation, especially something like this. He knew, from when he gulped and stared back at those questioning eyes, that Guanlin knew what was coming. Yet, he never heard a word from him to prompt him to spill. So he took a huge breath to gain back the courage he never had til this moment.
“Let’s stop this.” A short silence followed. Jihoon was suddenly lost for words. There were so many things he wanted to say. He wanted to explain— why it had to come to that, how it shouldn’t have come to that, but the words mixed up and the gaze they shared was suddenly enough.
If he were to expect anything from Guanlin, it wasn’t what he uttered next.
“Do you hate me?”
Jihoon’s breath hitched. Not because he thought of Guanlin like that, nor because he was surprised to hear Guanlin think of it that way. But because upon those words, the realization that the question was entirely false sunk in. Jihoon did his best not to name whatever it was that he feels for the younger boy, however, at this point, he’s sure it was nothing like that.
Jihoon shook his head, unable to form the words he wanted to express.
“Then,” Guanlin was whispering now. “Do you hate that I love you?”
The voices outside were starting to disperse, as if everyone’s already moving out to the vans where everyone else was waiting.
“It’s not—,” Jihoon caught himself, choosing his words carefully. Horrified of what he was hearing. It was the first time those words have been uttered, actions were loud and clear from Guanlin, but words came out stronger. It was the first time, and regrettably, the last time. “You are not in love with me.”
A sad smile appeared on Guanlin’s face. As if all this time, he knew Jihoon would say that.
“We are two individuals capable of loving someone else.” Reality slapped Jihoon across the face after hearing those three horrifying words from Guanlin. That’s why he found courage once again, this time making sure he used it as an armor to protect himself. “This—,” he waved a hand. “It’s an illusion we both fell into. Things were hard for us, we both know that. We needed someone, you and me. We found comfort from each other. But it does not mean that. We’ve misunderstood things. We got ourselves blinded by our needs. But it’s wrong, Guanlin. We’re both wrong.”
For a second, Jihoon just wished Guanlin would hit him. So that both of them could settle it in a fight and take it all out on each other. Physical pain would be easier to endure than the emotional one at this point. He turned to leave, about to face the door to end all of it.
“You have to be honest to yourself.” Guanlin called out with much composure more than he expected.
Jihoon looked back, now calmed and no longer upset. Sadness, only the thing left in his system at the response he was about to give him. “This is the most true I have been to myself. I’ve done this all my life to get to here. I’ve sacrificed a lot of things to reach where I am now.”
“And I can’t afford you to be a distraction.” Their eyes met for a brief moment. From hopeful eyes to remorseful ones. “I’m sorry.”
His back was turned, feet not much distant from the door. It was a few steps away, yet Jihoon was rooted to his spot. It was all over. The one he never dreamt of having, still something he would keep remembering.
A shadow stood right next to him and he couldn’t understand how it still felt comforting.
Guanlin ruffled his hair lightly, an action he would do to soothe the hard expression on Jihoon’s face every single time.
“You’ll do well, hyung.” Guanlin’s voice did not waver, nor did it sound angry. It came out just like how it would, always: warm and loving.
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
Jihoon raised his head to find Guanlin smiling down at him. The younger one removed his hand that was resting on top of his head and put it in his pocket.
“I’ll be going first. They must be waiting.”
And for the last time, Jihoon pictured that smiling face even as that boy was leaving through the door. Out of the room, and out of his personal life.
“It’s a mistake.” The words echoed once again. And he didn’t know which one was it anymore.
It should have been over the first time their lips touched. When the night fell silent at that unexpected moment and the moon smiled down at them contentedly. When Guanlin’s shaking eyes saw the surprise in Jihoon’s ones. No one breathed for a second, but a tiny crack of smile appeared on Guanlin’s lips, unable to control what he was feeling inside.
But he didn’t know when to stop until he realized he had already lost him.
There was no time to think through Jihoon’s words. It was a big day the next day, and the coming ones were just as huge if not bigger. Guanlin focused on what he was supposed to do; be the best performer he could be. A three-day concert was enough to take his mind off of anything that didn’t matter at the time. That includes his feelings and his problems.
The dinner the night Jihoon confronted him went well as a matter of fact. No one noticed how small his smiles were, how less he had talked over the constant excitement and thrill the members had for the upcoming concert. Of course no one would think there was something wrong, because Guanlin made an effort to show them exactly the opposite of that.
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
He said.
And what good will it do if he did otherwise?
It wasn’t a surprise for him to see Jihoon do his best during the concerts. It seemed as if he was entirely a different person on stage. The way he smiled so big at the fan’s chant of his name, the way he dropped his famous lines receiving an uproar from the crowd, and the way he set every hearts on fire in the stadium— it was one of the traits that Guanlin liked about Jihoon.
Little did everyone know, when the curtains close, so does Jihoon to Guanlin. Not once had Guanlin seen Jihoon enter the room when he was in it. For a small part of him, he felt relieved. He could take that time for himself, and honestly, he was really scared to see Jihoon avoid him so openly. So what Guanlin did was take more time to rehearse, book extra hours in the studio to improve, and be alone as much as he could. Set his priorities straight— even when he knew damn well which were more important for him.
He was selfish.
Guanlin kept telling himself that. He was selfish for throwing himself at the one person who welcomed as much as every part of him. For showing him so much of himself that he had forgotten to give him time to give back. For allowing himself to be happy and not see how it was torturing the target of his happiness. For loving and suffocating the man he’d want to pour out his everything to.
So Guanlin took it well. The falling out, the drifting away. Because no matter how much it hurt him, he blamed himself. The fault was his own. For not knowing when to stop.
If only , he kept telling himself. If only he told Jihoon to ask him to stop.
The first few weeks were difficult. Even though professionals, Guanlin and Jihoon barely exchanged words outside of work. The latter seemed pretty busy, especially with the new show he was appearing on with Daniel and Woojin. Fans were also more agitated by the fact that there’s only a few more months before the disbandment and so they tried to work harder.
Passing a month since then, concerts here and there, more TV show appearances, new album and music shows, their hands were full. The show with Daniel, Jihoon and Woojin had been well loved and the members were even more in disbelief at how much it impacted the audience.
One time the rest of Wanna One were to appear in the show as guests and the anticipation was too high. The episode reached its peak rating, proving again how powerful the group was.
More or less, it was all going rather wonderful for Park Jihoon. The dream he had been wanting to achieve all his life, it’s here. The smile he couldn’t hold back permanently placed on his lips, chest swelling with pride at how much he’s soared from when he was just a trainee to the Park Jihoon the whole of South Korea knows.
And there, from the sidelines, was Lai Guanlin. Watching all of it play out in the palm of Jihoon’s hands. The Jihoon he believed in, the Jihoon who did really well. The hyung he used to comfort with his embrace, now smiling so wide in another member’s arms.
To say that nothing bothered him was going to be a lie. Not one person would not notice how much Jihoon had gone closer with Woojin. They were inseparable. Together, it seemed perfect. Woojin makes Jihoon confident and Jihoon makes Woojin feel free. Both of them were of worthwhile value to each other. They know how to support one another and make up for each other’s flaws. And Guanlin would be foolish not to admit that it’s something he can’t do.
They both got used to it, eventually. Not having to talk to each other much, just passing by hallways like strangers, forgetting what used to be. One thing’s for sure: Jihoon had moved on and Guanlin’s fine with it. After all, there wasn’t much time left anyway. Either way, they’ll be free of each other sooner or later.
Time passed by so quickly. A year full of memories rushed through Jihoon’s thoughts as he stood there alone in his own room backstage. It’s been a month since the new year and he’d started his own career out of Wanna One. He’s currently in one of the hottest drama series of the year side by side his music show hosting; he couldn’t believe his luck. That once he faced his reflection on the mirror; all he saw was an accomplished man.
A knock on the door signaled that it’s almost time for broadcast and his manager’s head popped in to tell him he was going to be late. Jihoon did a thumbs up and waved his hand to say he’s coming. Fixing his collar, he stared back at the man before him. He heard a few of his members would be performing in the show. It would be an understatement to say he was thrilled; he’s more than proud.
The backstage hallway was already familiar. It’s almost a month since he’d been passing by the same hallway. He read a few popular group names at the doors he passed by when something caught the corner of his eye. There stood a tall guy in his performance outfit just right at the corner, seemingly talking cheerfully with someone blocked by a pillar.
The steps he took next were heavier, heart suddenly hammering in his chest unsure of what it meant. It wasn’t too long ago since he’d seen the guy, but it’s been long enough since he’d seen that smile.
Walking closer, the other person appeared in sight. A rush of feelings charged at him all at once.
Of course, he’d heard of it from Minhyun two weeks ago.
“Did anybody know? Guanlin is with Seonho. I bumped into them yesterday, and Guanlin told me he’s with Seonho.”
The other members were in shock at first. But eventually accepted the truth and were all ecstatic to meet up. However, their schedules were so packed that it hadn’t been finalized yet. And right now, it seemed like Jihoon was meeting them first.
Seonho looked upset and was wearing a scowl when Guanlin ruffled his hair cheerily. It was in that moment when Seonho’s eyes met with Jihoon’s.
A surprised expression painted his face before smiling and bowing to greet him. Jihoon’s eyes widened being caught off guard but nonetheless bowed to greet back. When he looked back up, Guanlin was gazing at him softly. A gummy smile welcomed him as Guanlin nodded at his direction. He did the same, quietly wishing his heart could stop pounding painfully inside his chest.
A hand pulled Jihoon by the arm when he realized they were getting on air in just a few minutes. There was no time to say goodbye or say anything at all. Jihoon just looked back at Guanlin and for a brief moment, he was taken back to the time Guanlin gave him his final goodbye.
The smiling face he imagined every night to get past the day. The smiling face that motivated him to do his best every single day. The smiling face that reminded him of what he had to sacrifice to get to where he was now.
Lights blinded him for a second before he realized cameras were on him and the red light was blinking. It was a year of happiness and suffering, and the fruit is now looking back at him. Grabbing the microphone, Jihoon wore his best smile and spoke in front of the camera, talking to South Korea.
At backstage, back in his room, as he started dressing up to leave after the show, he noticed an album sitting on the desk in front of the mirror. There was no one else it would belong to. Reaching out to it nervously, he found Guanlin’s signature right at the center of the cover along with the rest of his members. He took it out of its case to browse the content, a little pride blossoming inside him as he saw him on every page. Heart softening up at how successful he, too, had been.
He was staring at a photo of him and Seonho when a small piece of paper fell out of its pages that didn’t seem like it belonged there.
Jihoon picked it up to find that familiar handwriting he was once really accustomed to. He didn’t know why, but looking at it made his heart break the same way it broke that one unfortunate day. Reluctantly, he read what was in it.
You were right. We can’t be together.
We were meant to find our own happiness eventually.
You’re doing so well. I watch you whenever I can.
There’s just one thing I can’t keep to myself anymore.
I’ve always waited for a chance, but I obviously never had it.
I love you, hyung.
I have and always will.
Just want you to know that.
Smile. You don’t have to worry about me.
Always,
Guanlin.
What would you do? When you find someone, but he is not the one.
Jihoon made his choice. So did Guanlin.
And it hurt him… that Guanlin still chose to love him despite everything.