Chapter Text
“Do you ever wish I had died instead of you?”
Everyone went silent and turned to stare at Dick who kept his steady gaze on Jason. The “middle son” choked on his water and stared over at his older brother.
“What the hell kind of question is that?” he demanded. “Why the hell would you-”
“It’s a simple question, Jay,” Dick said, not at all put off by Jason’s angry demeanor. “Do you wish I had died instead of you?”
Jason opened and closed his mouth for a long time before locking eyes with Dick. “Yes. All the damn time.”
“Jason,” Bruce scolded.
Dick ignored him and nodded quietly before flashing a smile. “Alright, just wondered.”
“Uh, no,” Jason said, giving a sardonic laugh and kicking Dick under the table. “You don’t get to do that.”
“Do what?” Dick asked innocently and Jason could have sworn the older boy - the first boy wonder - paled slightly
“You don’t get to ask such a morbid question then go back to dinner. You’re going to explain why you asked.”
Dick only shrugged, picking at his food with his fork. “I don’t know. Just trying to make conversation I guess.”
“Grayson, you killed the conversation,” Damien spat from his spot on Bruce’s left.
Dick was quiet for a long time before speaking in a soft voice. “I’m dying.”
No one said a word until Tim - who was on Dick’s right - gave a weak laugh. “That...that’s not funny Dick.”
“I’m not joking,” Dick said, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. “I’ve got about...three months left? Maybe?”
Do you ever wish I had died?
Yes. All the time.
The scene spun and changed so quickly that Jason felt himself becoming dizzy and disoriented. Only when he looked around and found himself in the warehouse he had been killed in did he realize it was all a dream.
Except he wasn’t the one being killed.
He watched, frozen, as the joker mercilessly beat Dick. to the side, the Robin-Jason stood off to the side and watched, a dark, murderous look on his face.
Jason watched as his younger self held up a trigger and pulled it, killing Dick in one fell explosion.
Jason woke with a scream lodged in his throat, arms flailing as he prepared to take down anyone within range.
He was alone.
He leaned forward, sheet pooling around his waist as he heaved for air, skin glistening with sweat.
“It was a dream,” he whispered, barely able to catch his breath. “It...it was just a-”
He launched himself out of bed and was unprepared to catch himself. His sheets tangled around his legs and sent him crashing to the floor of his safe house. He groaned in pain, slowly picking himself up and freeing his legs from their entanglement before jamming on a probably dirty pair of jeans and a white t-shirt that he’d found on the floor.
He snagged his brown leather jacket and domino mask from his bedside table, making sure to at least have his escrima sticks - the only “Robin” weapon he still used - as he slipped his comm into his air.
“Come on, come on,” he chanted, waiting for it to connect to Dick.
“ Nightwing .”
“Red Hood,” Jason said hotly, slapping his domino mask on and quickly but quietly leaving his safe house. “Top of Wayne Industries. Fifteen minutes.”
“ Hood, I just got back -”
“I don’t give a damn,” Jason spat. “Fifteen minutes or I come to you.”
Dick sighed and Jason could hear murmuring in the background before his older brother responded.
“ Fifteen minutes. I’ll be there .”
“Good. Make sure you’re not tailed.”
Before Dick could ask what he’d meant by that, Jason ended to communication. Jason closed his eyes to force his erratic heartbeat to calm before he grappled to a rooftop and made his way towards Wayne Industries.
“You’re late,” he pointed out as Nightwing finally landed in front of him thirty minutes after their designated meeting time. “And you brought vermin.”
Nightwing placed a hand on Red Robin’s shoulder in warning. “I had to bust up a drug ring, Hood. I needed backup. And it’s not like I could just send the kid home on his own. Now what did you want?”
Red Hood scoffed before stepping forward and grabbing Nightwing’s left wrist in a firm but gentle grip. The older boy stiffened slighlty and pulled away when Jason tried to roll his sleeve up.
“What’s this about, Jay?” he asked, holding his wrist away and ignoring the suspicious glance Red Robin sent him. “Is this a social call? Where’s your hood?”
Jason swore. In his desperate attempt to assure himself that his brother was alive, he’d completely neglected his red hood.
“You’re alive,” he said simply. “That’s all I was checking for.”
“Did you want to check my pulse?” Nightwing asked, stepping forward and holding out his right wrist, Red Hood noted. “To make sure I was-”
“Don’t be stupid,” Red Hood spat. “Of course not.”
Nightwing was quiet before slightly turning so that he faced Red Robin. “R, head back, okay? Red Hood and I need to talk alone.”
“But-”
“Now,” Nightwing said, voice leaving no room for argument. Red Robin huffed before turning and making his way towards the edge of the roof. Before he grappled away, he called over his shoulder,
“You’re turning into Batman.”
Nightwing stared at the rooftop below his feet for a long time until he heard Red Robin leave. As soon as he was sure the younger was out of earshot, he looked back up at Red Hood.
“Do you want to talk here?”
“Where else would we talk?” Red Hood asked, relaxing slightly now that Red Robin was gone. The blue clad vigilante shrugged and the two were quiet.
“I mean, we could go to your safe house?”
“Why not your apartment in Bludhaven?” Jason asked. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Dick, but he didn’t trust that Batman had trackers on the older male. Nightwing shook his head and Jason could have sworn he paled.
“It got...I don’t live there anymore. I’ve been...uh...living at the manor for awhile.”
Jason huffed and scuffed his boots against the roof. Now that he could see Nightwing was alive, he wasn’t quite sure what else to do. Should he tell Dick about his dream? No. The acrobat already had a lot on his plate and Jason had a feeling things weren’t going well between the last of the Grayson family and the near last of the Wayne’s.
“I see,” Jason mumbled. The two stood together in awkward silence until Nightwing’s comm chirped, indicating someone was wanting his attention. Jason glared at the ground and crossed his arms over his chest, expecting the older bird to answer and leave him in the dust.
And so he was utterly surprised when Nightwing removed his comm and dropped it to the ground, crushing it beneath his heel.
“Whatever he wants, it can wait,” Nightwing said, kicking the chunks of his comm away. “I'm talking to you right now. You need me more than he does.”
Jason looked away, thankful that the dark of the night hid his flushed face. “Dick, you could get into a lot of trouble.”
“You’re more important, little wing,” Nightwing said quietly. “You’re only seventeen, Jason. You’re not even legally an adult yet. I know you forget that and I know Bruce does too.”
Jason dug his nails into his palms, wishing he had remembered to grab his gloves. He had been eleven years old when he had been taken in by Bruce. Thirteen years old when he’d realized that his feeling towards Richard Grayson were more than just “brotherly love”.
“I don’t need you,” Jason protested, crossing his arms over his chest and refusing to meet the blue hero’s eyes. “But...I do want to talk to you. In private?”
Nightwing nodded and pulled a small sheet of paper out of his belt, passing it over to Jason who took it warily.
“That’s a safe place,” Nightwing said. “Run back to your safehouse and grab me some clothes to change. I’ll leave my suit - and trackers - in the warehouse and you and I can go to your safehouse to talk.”
“You know you could get in trouble.”
“I don’t care.”
“Replacement knows you’re with me.”
“I don’t care .”
Jason debated the pros and cons before finally nodding. “I’ll be there in half an hour.”
“Where’s Nightwing?” Bruce asked Tim without even turning his gaze from the computer monitor.
Tim pulled off his mask ad walked over to gaze up at the Joker’s file. “With Jason.”
Bruce froze at the two words and slowly turned to face Tim. “And you left him without backup?”
“He made me,” Tim said with a shrug.
Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose before grabbing his comm from the desk nearby and trying to connect with Nightwing. All he got was static.
Fighting back panic, Bruce got to his feet and pulled his cowl over his head, walking over towards the batmobile.
“Bruce?” Tim asked, putting his own mask back on and following after the man. “Is everything okay?”
“Jason is unpredictable,” Bruce began as he climbed into the driver’s seat and waited for Tim to join him. “And he’s hated Dick ever since coming back to life. I don’t want to know what he’ll do if he gets a chance to catch Dick off guard.”
“Dick does always let his guard down around Jason,” Tim mused quietly. “He trusts him.”
“And Jason knows that,” Bruce sighed. “And he’ll be more than willing to take advantage of that.”
“You don’t really think he’d hurt Dick, do you?”
Bruce was quiet for a long time before speaking in a low voice. “Jason would do anything to get back at me for failing to save him from the Joker.”
“This is a nice place, Jay,” Dick acknowledged as he followed Jason into the younger male’s small safehouse. Jason scoffed and tossed his leather jacket to the floor, collapsing onto the couch.
“No need to lie, Dickie.”
Dick’s expression dropped for a moment before he walked over and sat next to his brother.
“What did you want to talk to me about?”
Jason let out a slow breath and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He watched the ground for a long time before finally speaking.
“Are you dying?”
Dick stared at his brother for awhile. He wanted to laugh, but he had a feeling this was a fairly serious question, so he held his tongue.
“No,” he answered. “I mean, not that I’m aware of. Why?”
“When was the last time the Joker tortured you?”
Dick knew there was a point to these questions although he had no idea how the two of them connected. After a long moment of silence, he cleared his throat and spoke softly.
“I-I don’t know. Why?”
Jason took a shuddering breath and leaned back on the couch, refusing to meet Dick’s eyes as he answered.
“It’s stupid. I just...had a nightmare. That the Joker killed you and all I did was watch. No... I killed you after watching him torture you.”
Jason knew Dick was a very touchy-feely person so he wasn’t at all surprised when the older boy drew him into a hug. He was, however, surprised when he felt Dick trembling slightly.
“I’m sorry, Jay,” Dick whispered and Jason wondered if the first was going to cry. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. I’m sorry I didn’t go after you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. If I hadn’t been so pissed at Bruce, you wouldn’t have-”
“Golden boy, it’s not your fault,” Jason whispered, wrapping his arms around Dick’s back and hating how much the older boy was shaking. Dick had never reacted like this before and Jason had no idea what had set him off so much…
Until he remembered the date. His death had hurt Dick more than anyone else for more than one reason. Jason had died a week after the anniversery of Dick’s parents death.
And it was currently in that period between the two anniversaries. It was then that Jason realized he didn’t want to send Dick back to Gotham alone.
“It is,” Dick whispered, trembling increasing and breathing becoming erratic. “Because I wasn’t there.”
“Golden boy,” Jason said softly. “Relax, okay? You’re going to hyperventilate.”
Dick took a violent shuddering breath but it only seemed to make his breathing worse. Sighing quietly, Jason pulled away, trying to ignore how Dick whined at the loss of contact.
“Easy, Dick,” Jason said, removing his shirt and placing Dick’s hand on his bare chest. “Can you breathe with me? Come on. In and out. You can do it, nice and slow.”
Jason vaguely remembered Bruce doing this with Dick after the older boy woke screaming from nightmares, though the now named Red Hood couldn’t actually remember if it ever had any effect.
After a long time, Dick finally regained the ability to breath normally and he slumped forward on Jason. The young boy had to close his eyes and breath normally so that Dick wouldn’t feel how erratic his heartbeat was. Thankfully, the older boy seemed to be too out of it to really focus on anything.
Jason gazed down at the person he had fallen in love with before carefully carding his fingers through thick black hair. Dick’s breathing hitched slightly but he didn’t move much. Jason had a feeling his small panic attack had worn him out and that was the only reason Dick wasn’t reacting as he normally would.
After a time in silence Jason carefully readjusted Dick so that Jason lay on his back with Dick between his legs on his (Dick’s) stomach, the acrobat’s head on Jason’s chest and left arm hanging over the edge of the couch.
Jason sighed and leaned his head back, wishing he had thought to turn the lights off before getting himself into this position. But it was comfortable, despite the weight Dick was putting on Jason’s dick. Still, it felt nice and Jason found himself falling asleep while carding his fingers through Dick’s hair.
“He’s not here,” Red Robin declared, walking over to Batman and handing the older man Nightwing’s crumpled uniform. “But he was.”
Batman sighed and continued to look around. “There’s no sign that Red Hood was ever here though.”
“No,” Red Robin agreed. “But Nightwing isn’t stupid. He wouldn’t just leave his uniform here unless he was sure it was safe. And he most certainly wouldn’t change-”
“The trackers,” Batman said, not even caring that he’d cut the young boy off. “That’s why he took off his uniform. I have a feeling he’s at Red Hood’s safehouse-”
“And that’s why he took his uniform off,” Red Robin guessed, ignoring the glare he got for cutting his mentor off. “So you couldn’t track him. Wait...how do we know he took his uniform off by himself?”
“We don’t,” Batman said with a small sigh. “There’s no blood though, so chances are there were no gunshots.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Red Robin huffed, placing his hands on his hips. “Red knows how to use Nightwing’s weapons and skills against him. Do you have any idea where Red’s hideout is?”
“No,” Batman answered shortly, turning and walking back towards where he had parked the batmobile. “But I’ll find Nightwing.”
Jason barely got more than four hours of sleep a night and having his crush laying on his groin certainly didn’t help.
He had fallen asleep around three and was very surprised when he woke around seven in the evening when Dick shifted slightly. Dick’s head was resting on Jason’s stomach and the older boy was still fast asleep.
Yawning and accepting that he probably wasn’t going to get anymore sleep, Jason gently readjusted his position on the couch before returning his fingers to Dick’s hair.
The smaller boy whined quietly and tightened his grip on Jason. At some point in the night, he had managed to wrap his arms around the Red Hood’s waist and Jason definitely wasn’t complaining.
Jason hummed quietly and propped his head up with his free hand, continuing to run his fingers through Dick’s hair.
“I suppose,” he mumbled. “I really should wake you up and get you back to Gotham before Bruce gets too freaked out.”
Dick’s only unconscious response was to bury his face in Jason’s stomach and let out a small breath. Jason bit his tongue, trying to will away the heat heading towards his groin.
“Yeah,” he said quietly to his still sleeping brother. “That’s what I thought. Fuck Bruce, that’s what I say.”
Dick sighed again and Jason couldn’t suppress the shudder than ran through his body. He closed his eyes and let his head drop back against the armrest of the couch behind him.
“Shit. Fuck, Dick,” he whispered. “You’re going to...ugh. Damn. I love you, you know that? But not like you love me. Not...not brotherly. It’s...different. Deeper.”
He sighed and shook his head. “You wouldn’t get it cause you’re straight, you know? Damn, you know I’d never have the courage to say this to you while you’re conscious.”
Dick was sitting up rubbing his eyes by the time Jason walked in about fifteen minutes later. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned.
“Mm...morning Jay.”
Jason chuckled softly and handed Dick a glass of water and some painkillers. “How are you feeling? You had a bit of a panic attack last night, so you’re probably hurting.”
DIck only shrugged. “I’m fine. I’ve had worse. What time is it?”
“About seven in the evening,” Jason answered, letting out a huff and running his hands through his hair, causing his white streak to stick up. “I can’t believe I slept that long.”
Dikc laughed. “No, neither can I.”
The two were silent and Jason was just about to tell Dick to leave until the older boy got up and walked over.
“Hey Jay?” he questioned, getting up close in Jason’s personal space. Before the vigilante turned self proclaimed villain could say anything, Dick was pressing their lips together in a soft, slow kiss.
“Dick-” Jason whispered when the older boy pulled away.
Dick gave a sad smile. “My feelings towards you are deeper too.”