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Jared has had a boyfriend for two months, six days, and--he looks at the clock--nineteen hours. He feels a little lame for keeping track like that, so he doesn't tell anybody he knows it down to the hour.
In two months, six days, and nineteen hours, Jared has discovered that Jensen doesn't sleep well smushed up next to someone else, which is unfortunate since they only have twin beds. They've compromised, though, with Jensen usually snuggling next to Jared and only climbing back up into his bunk once Jared's asleep.
He knows that Jensen loves to be kissed from head to toe, will whimper and writhe and stay rock hard for hours as long as Jared keeps his mouth on him. Jensen likes sucking cock enough that the suggestion of it is one of the few things that will make him look away from his books when he's supposed to be studying.
Jared likes sucking cock, too, a lot more than he thought he would. He likes the taste of it and the weight of Jensen's cock on his tongue and most of all the soft, needy sounds Jensen makes when he does it. He really likes showing off, loves it when Jensen looks at him, loves to touch himself knowing that Jensen's watching. It's dirty and hot and wrong in the really, really good way.
Jensen gives the best back rubs ever. In the history of the world. He can work out all the kinks in Jared's back or put him to sleep or make him come just from rubbing his shoulders. Jared's a little in awe of it.
Jensen has scars on his knee from when he'd gotten hurt during high school baseball and had to have surgery. He's got a scar on his elbow from falling off his bike onto broken glass when he was thirteen. He has nightmares sometimes that he doesn't want to talk about, but Jared suspects they're about his family not loving him. He lost his virginity when he was fifteen to a chubby girl named Addi who was in one of his acting classes.
Jensen took acting classes in high school, did theater and musicals and everything. "How did people not know you were gay?" Jared asks and gets an elbow in his ribs for his trouble before admitting that he starred in the 8th grade production of Hansel and Gretel. Puppetry may or may not have been involved.
Jensen's mom calls him every Sunday. They never talk about him being gay but even Jared can feel the tension in the air. Jensen's usually quiet and withdrawn on Sunday evenings.
Jared's mama calls him whenever she feels like it, which is pretty much every other day. She tells him stories about her classes and he makes her laugh with PG-rated impersonations of Chad and Adam and he knows he's going to have to tell her the truth soon. Not telling her feels like a lie, and Jared's always hated lying to his mama.
Jared stares at the clock in his room, knowing it's too early to call her but trying to work up the courage to do it anyway. He's had a boyfriend for two months, six days, and twenty hours, and not being able to share how happy he is with his family really sucks.
He talks to Megan about it a little bit, but she mostly wants to know whether or not they're having sex and what sorts of things they do when they get naked, and there are some things you just don't talk about with your little sister, no matter how supportive she is.
"I have to tell them," he says when Jensen comes back from class.
Jensen sighs.
"I hate not telling them."
Jensen sits on the side of Jared's bed, runs his fingers through Jared's hair. "I know."
"Do you think I should tell them?" he asks, searching Jensen's face for an answer, for something to make it easier.
"I don't know," Jensen admits. "I guess...I don't know. I guess it's time to come out when it's harder to keep lying than to tell the truth."
"I need to tell them," Jared says.
Jensen nods and leans down to kiss him.
Jared decides he'll tell them over Spring Break. It will give them time to get readjusted to each other and he can tell them late in the week so if they take it bad, he doesn't have to deal with it for long.
Chad pretty much blows that whole idea out of the water. His family owns hotels on South Padre Island and he doesn't ask Jared to come so much as he tells him he's going.
"An entire floor to ourselves, two to a room, girls and guys both, Mexico's 20 minutes away, and you can get drunk on the beach," Chad tells him. "You're in with Jen--"
"Wait," says Jensen. "I'm not going."
"Are fucking so, bitch. You miss this, you'll be even more retarded than I thought you were when you moved in."
Jensen looks over at Jared and raises one eyebrow. Jared shrugs.
"It's a huge fucking party all week long and I know that neither one of you is interested in all the free pussy, but I cannot in good conscience let you miss this."
"Guess we're going to South Padre," Jensen says.
Jared shrugs. "Yeah. Guess so." It's a relief, really. He doesn't have to tell them. He can just picture the disappointment in their eyes when they learn the truth, and disappointing his parents still makes him feel like he wants to die.
He's not going to San Antonio for Spring Break, he's flying on a chartered plane with 300 other kids down to South Padre Island for a week of drunken debauchery. Which doesn't explain why he's got his bag packed for San Antonio and a ticket confirmation for the Greyhound bus printed out and in his jacket pocket.
"You're not coming," Jensen says, leaning against the door.
Jared turns and he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to explain it. He has to go back to San Antonio. He has to tell them the truth. "I..." he says.
Jensen smiles and reaches out for him, kisses him softly. "You do what you gotta do, Jay."
"I'll be there," he says. "I will. Just...I need a few days at home first."
"All right," Jensen whispers against his mouth, which reaffirms Jared's decision to tell his parents the truth. He has the best boyfriend ever and Jensen should never have to be anyone's secret.
Jared hates taking the bus. He likes people, generally, but not bus people. He leaves his headphones on even when he's not listening to anything and pretends to study and winds his arm through his backpack multiple times so nobody can steal anything while he sleeps. He spends the first few hours trying not to think about what's going to happen when he gets there. Thinking about it too much makes him anxious and a little sick to his stomach, though that may just be the woman next to him who smells like feet.
The bus ride seems to take forever and he can't decide if he wants to be home already or if he never wants to get there. Finally, though, the bus pulls up to the station in San Antonio and his parents are there waiting for him.
He hugs his mama tight, picks her up off the ground a little bit, making her laugh. He hugs his daddy next, who says, "So, tell me about geology."
"It's awesome," Jared tells them both, grabbing up his duffle bag and swinging it over his shoulder. His daddy's carrying his backpack and his mama's searching her purse for the car keys. "Dr. Partovi's great, has helped me pick out all my classes for next year and he's giving me ideas for where to apply to graduate programs if I want to specialize in speleology, and--"
"Speleology?" his daddy asks. "Does that mean caves?"
"Yeah. It's not just geology, either, you have to know biology and chemistry--cartography, even."
His mama turns and pats his cheek. "Such a smart boy," she says.
"We're really proud of you," his daddy says.
Jared hunches in his shoulders and smiles and tries not to feel an overwhelming sense of dread.
He leans his head against the window on the drive home and watches the lights of San Antonio pass by.
"You're quiet tonight," his mama says as she pulls into the driveway. "You sure everything's all right?"
"I'm fine," he says. "I'm tired."
"He did just spend a day traveling," says his daddy.
Jared gets out of the car and stretches until his spine pops in a few places. "I think I'm gonna shower the bus stench off of me," he says.
"Are you hungry? I could make you something to eat."
"I ate at the stop in Austin," he tells her, which is mostly true. He'd bought something to eat and had picked at it, but he'd been too nervous to eat.
He showers and pulls on clean sweats and a long-sleeved t-shirt. He sits down on his bed and calls Jensen.
"Hey," Jensen says when he answers. Jared can hear loud music and voices in the background. "Hold on just a second, k?" After about 30 seconds the voices and the music become muffled. "You still there?"
"Guess you got to South Padre all right," Jared says.
"Yeah. I was just going to crash, but Chad's really persuasive when he wants you to come out. How are you? You at home?"
"Yeah. I haven't told them."
"You don't have to, you know. If it doesn't feel right--"
"No, it's time. I'm just nervous."
"They love you," Jensen tells him.
"Your parents love you, too, and they sent you off to get brainwashed."
Jensen sighs.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
"It's OK. And yeah, they weren't happy with it. They still aren't happy with it, but they're OK with it and that's a really big step for them."
"I know. I didn't mean to make it sound like they were assholes."
"I know."
There's the slam of a door and a flush and Jared laughs. "Are you in the bathroom?"
"There wasn't anywhere else quiet and it would have taken me ten minutes to get out the front door. This place is packed with people. If I liked tits, I would be in heaven."
Jared laughs again. He takes a deep breath. "I don't know how to say it. How did you say it?"
"I was in a pretty fucked up place when I told them," Jensen says softly. "I asked them to help me change because I couldn't do it on my own."
"I'm so sorry."
"It's all right. It worked out OK."
"I think I'm going to tell them right now," Jared says. He takes a deep breath. "I should just tell them now, right? Like ripping off a band aid."
"I guess. I told the people at the front desk that you were coming. There's a key at the front desk for you."
"You expect it to be that bad?"
"No. No, I think your parents will understand. I just wanted to let you know before I forgot. And I'm going to have my phone with me all the time, so you call me whenever you need to. Middle of the night, whatever."
"OK," Jared says. "I miss you."
"Miss you, too. It's not much fun without you here."
"I'll see you soon," Jared says. "Bye."
"Bye, Jay. Good luck."
Jared flips his phone closed and sets it on his nightstand. He leaves his room and walks into the living room where his mother is grading papers and his father is sitting in his favorite green armchair reading a book on the history of Moorish Spain.
"Where's Megan?" he asks.
"Staying the night over at Kirsten's," his mama says. She looks up from her grading and sets the papers on the end table. "You sure you're not hungry?"
"I'm sure."
She gets up, lays her pen down on top of the papers. "Because it's not any trouble and--"
"I'm not hungry," he says. He takes a deep breath. "I just have to talk to you. Both of you."
"Is everything all right at school?"
"Yeah. Yeah, everything's great. Classes and my friends and everything. I just, I haven't been telling you something, and it...it feels wrong, not telling you."
"Honey?" his mama asks, reaching out for him.
Jared ducks away from her and walks across the room, rubbing his palms on his jeans. "I wanted to, God, I wanted to tell you so many times and I just...I don't want to hurt you but I don't want to keep secrets, either."
"JT, what could you ever do that would hurt us?" his mama asks. "I don't know what you're worried about, but--"
"Let the boy talk, Sherri," his daddy says softly.
"I'm gay," he says quickly, before he can chicken out.
His daddy says nothing. His mama says, "What?"
"I said--"
"I heard what you said." Her voice is shaking. "Why would you say that?"
"Because it's true." He'd decided to leave the "probably bisexual" part out since it would only make things more complicated.
"No," she says, shaking her head. "I know that college is hard, that you're confused--"
"I'm not confused."
"You are. You just don't know it. It's all right. We'll work this out."
"Work this out?" he asks. He'd expected tears and some yelling. He hadn't expected flat out denial.
"You'll get over it," she says, as if it's simple, as if he doesn't even know his own mind.
He wants to shout at her but he takes a deep breath instead. He'd known it wouldn't be easy. He'd promised himself he wouldn't yell. "I won't get over it," he whispers.
"I'm sure it all seems very glamorous right now, but--"
"Glamorous?" he demands, very close to a shout. He forces himself to close his mouth and breathe.
"With all this activism on TV and celebrities coming out of the closet and such. I know it's hard to find your own identity when you're young, that you want to be part of the in crowd--"
"The in crowd?" he asks. "What in the hell makes you think that being gay is in?"
"Don't curse in front of your mama," his daddy says.
"Sorry. I just...it's not a phase. I know you want it to be, but it's not."
"But you're just a baby," she says. "You're only eighteen."
"I know who I am. And I love you, and I want you to know, too."
She looks at him and her eyes well with tears. He wants to take it back. He wants to tell her it's not true because he can't make her cry.
"You're too young," she says, tears evident in her voice. "You don't know."
"I do," he says. He swallows hard. He doesn't want to cry. "I'm sorry it hurts you."
"You don't know," she repeats, crying openly.
"Mama," he says, but she shakes her head and rushes from the room.
Jared sits down in front of the fireplace and rests his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down. When he looks up, his father is still sitting in the green wingchair, polishing his glasses.
"Daddy," Jared says.
His daddy sighs. "This isn't going to be easy for either one of us," he says.
Jared nods. "But you believe me?"
"Can't see why you'd lie." He looks up at Jared without putting his glasses back on. "We love you, JT, both of us, but this is going to take some time."
"Okay," Jared whispers.
His daddy puts his glasses on, stands up. "I should see to your mama," he says. He's halfway down the hall when he comes back, stands in the doorway for a moment. "I'm headed out to Calaveras tomorrow if you're interested."
"Yeah," says Jared softly. "Definitely."
His daddy nods and walks back down the hall, and the last thing Jared hears is the soft snick of his parents' bedroom door closing.
Jared's shaking and he feels like he might pass out. He goes to him room and lies on his bed and doesn't sleep for a very, very long time.
In the morning, he and his daddy go fishing at Calaveras. They don't talk much. They never do. It's a relief, really, to just settle into their natural rhythm, only talk when maneuvering the boat into the water and discussing the relative merits of liver versus cheese as bait or the chances of the Spurs taking the NBA finals next season.
They reel in more than enough channel catfish for lunch and Jared even manages to land a good ten-pound bass, which has his daddy hooting with joy before they let it go.
He's still grinning from the catch when his daddy says, "You're just the same Jared you've always been, aren't you?"
Jared swallows hard and doesn't drop his fishing rod and nods. "Yeah," he whispers. He's embarrassed that he's so close to crying from just one simple question.
"We're going to need some time," his daddy says as he casts out a line. "Your mama especially. She's taking this hard. I don't really understand it myself, but you know how she worries."
"I know."
"And you're absolutely sure about this?"
"Yeah. I am."
His daddy sighs, reels in his line, casts it back out again. The heartfelt discussion over and done with, they call it a day and head back to shore.
Jared wants to change and maybe shower, but when he gets to his room his mama is standing in the middle of it, gazing at his closet.
"Mama?" he asks.
She turns and looks at him, then looks away. "Do you remember," she begins, her voice soft and far away, "that time you took all the sheets from the linen closet and made a huge labyrinthine fort in here? Lord, what a mess. You had sheets pinned to the walls, sheets draped over chairs and all around your bed."
"You let me keep it up for a week," he says. "And it wasn't a fort, it was my Fortress of Solitude."
She laughs, then her face crumples and she starts to cry.
"Mama," Jared whispers.
"You were a handful," she tells him. "And a joy. And people are going to hate you."
"No one's going to--"
"They will. They'll hate you and want to kill you. They'll try to kill you. And you're my son, my little JT making blanket forts and people will hurt you and I can't--" she breaks off with a sob.
Jared strides towards her and pulls her into his arms. "It's all right," he says. "I'm all right. No one's going to hurt me."
"They will," she whispers against his shoulder. Her arms are tight around his waist. "But if you just...if you're wrong, if you're just confused, then..."
"I'm not. And I can't control what other people think of me."
"Oh, Lord, my face," she says, pulling away from him. She wipes away the mascara beneath her eyes. She sniffs and hiccups and says, "I should get cleaned up."
"Mama," Jared says, "we need to talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about," she says firmly before leaving his room.
Jared sighs and sits on his bed and shakes his head. He stinks like fish and he peels off his clothes and takes a hot shower. He's just finished throwing in a load of laundry when his mama says, "I could have done that."
"Oh. I guess I'm just used to doing it myself," he tells her.
"You're never going to have a family," she says. Her eyes are puffy and the mascara is long gone.
Jared sighs. "That's not..." He doesn't even know what to say to that.
"I need to get lunch ready," she says.
Watching his mother cry while cooking catfish is probably the lowest point in Jared's entire life. He doesn't know what to say. Everything he says only makes her cry harder so he just sits at the table and stares at his hands.
"Did somebody die?" Megan asks from the kitchen doorway. She's got her overnight bag slung over one shoulder and an expression of concern on her face.
"No," Jared says. "I told--"
"Don't tell your sister," his mama snaps.
"I already know," Megan says, hand on one hip. "I've known for months." She drops her bag on the floor and comes into the kitchen, leans down to give Jared a hug. "You should have waited until I was home," she tells him.
"I didn't know you weren't going to be here. It wouldn't have changed anything."
"I could have told Mama that it's nothing to cry about."
Their mama rushes out of the room and Jared sighs, then gets up to finish cooking the fish.
"You went fishing without me, too?" Megan asks. "Are they blue or channel?"
"Channel," he says, flipping the pieces over.
"My favorite. Do you want me to go talk to her?"
"You don't have to. She just keeps crying."
"Did you tell her about Jensen?"
He shakes his head. "It's complicated enough already."
"I'm gonna go talk to her," she says.
The fish is finished in a few minutes and Jared sets it to drain on paper towels and sprinkles it with salt and pepper. He cuts up a lemon into wedges and sighs and looks at the empty kitchen.
"Where's your mama?" his daddy asks, peeking his head into the kitchen.
"Crying," Jared tells him. "Megan went to talk to her."
His daddy sighs. They set the table in silence and Jared gets the green beans out of the microwave.
Megan shows up a few minutes later. "She says we should eat without her."
"You two go ahead and get started," their daddy says before leaving the kitchen.
Jared picks at his food and pushes it around his plate. Megan eats two helpings. "I can't believe you're not eating this," she tells him. "Fresh fish is the best."
"She's never going to stop crying."
"She will. She's just...she's old."
"She's not old."
"Older than us. She doesn't know how things really are."
Jared's not sure that's the problem but he doesn't feel like arguing the point.
After dinner, Jared knocks on his parents' bedroom door. His mama doesn't say anything so he pushes the door open slowly. "Can I come in?" he asks.
"Of course," she says. She's sitting on her bed, her back against the headboard, gazing down at a book he's pretty sure she's not really reading.
"You're really upset," he says.
She shakes her head. "No. There's nothing to be upset about."
He sighs. "Mama, I--"
She glares up at him. "I don't know how you got that idea into your fool head, but you're wrong."
He has so many things he wants to say that. He wants to scream at her and ask what the hell is wrong with her. He wants to tell her to stop being delusional. He wants to snap that he enjoys sucking cock way too much to be confused. Instead he says, "I should go."
She shakes her head. "No. No, you should stay here. You can...you can transfer. Finish up the year at UTSA."
"I don't think it works that way," he tells her. "And even if it did, I wouldn't do it."
"You need us," she says. "You need your family around you right now to lead you in the right direction."
He sighs and thinks back to what Jensen had said about his family's reaction. "We're just going to keep on having the same conversation, aren't we?" he asks her.
"If you'd just realize..."
"What? That I'm wrong? That this is some sort of fad? When have you ever known me to just follow the crowd? When have you ever known me to let someone else decide what's right for me?"
"It's not right," she tells him. "It's a sin."
Jared nods. "Maybe. Doesn't change things. I thought we could talk about it but I'm just upsetting you, aren't I?"
"I don't want you to go," she says. She reaches up and smoothes his hair.
"I think I probably should."
Her lower lip quivers but she doesn't cry again. She doesn't argue with him, either.
His father drives him to the bus stop. They don't say much, but before Jared leaves his father hugs him and says, "She'll come around."
Jared nods. He's not sure she will, but he's too wrung out to argue the point.
Greyhound only runs as far as Brownsville and he has to take a seriously overpriced cab to the hotel on South Padre Island. He doesn't even care, pays the cabbie willingly and goes to the front desk where they're holding a key for him. He doesn't even check out the room when he gets there, drops his duffle bag on the floor next to Jensen's and takes a shower, thankful to wash the travel grime away.
It's well past midnight and he wonders where Jensen is, decides he's probably out partying with everyone else since Jared's not expected back for another day. He doesn't want to call and seem needy.
He climbs into the nearest bed and curls up and closes his eyes. It feels so good to lie down, to not have to listen to the grind of the bus engine or the sounds of other people all around him. He hasn't slept well in days and falls asleep easily.
He wakes up when he hears a female giggle, then Jensen's hushed voice. He sits up and just sees the door closing, is reaching for his jeans when the door opens again and Jensen's walking in.
"Hey," Jensen whispers. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I thought you weren't getting here until tomorrow."
"I wasn't."
"You all right?" Jensen crawls across the bed to get to him, kisses him a little harder than necessary. "You didn't call me."
He tastes like tequila and fruit and Jared laughs a little bit. "You're drunk."
"Kinda, yeah," Jensen admits. "I've been sleeping in the other bed, the one closer to the balcony because, yeah, we have a balcony. Have you seen the balcony?"
Jared smiles and shakes his head. "Not yet."
"Aw, man, you have to see the balcony. It's totally sweet. Check it out." He pops up off the bed and pulls back the curtains. Even though it's the middle of the night, Jared can see lights flashing and hear voices and music when Jensen opens the door. He pulls on his jeans and follows Jensen out onto the balcony. He can hear the surf and smell salt air.
"That's the ocean," Jensen says. "Chad totally hooked us up. That's the beach right there. Look! I think I see boobs."
Jared laughs and hooks his arms around Jensen's waist, rests his chin on Jensen's shoulder. It's gorgeous out, in the high 70s with a breeze.
"Oh, hey," Jensen says, turning suddenly and nearly snapping his cheekbone into Jared's chin. "How'd things go with your family? Is everything OK?"
Jared sighs.
"What happened?"
"It went OK. They're just...they need time."
Jensen kisses him. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah," he says, relieved to find that it's true. "Yeah, I'm all right. Just tired. I'm going to bed."
"Right behind you," Jensen says. "Just got to brush my teeth."
Jared peels off his t-shirt and boxers, climbs into bed, and sighs. Jensen closed the screen door but left the sliding glass door open so he can hear the sounds of the street ten stories below. It's strangely peaceful.
"You get the ocean air," Jensen says a few minutes later, sliding into bed behind him. "Wake up hearing seagulls. It's awesome."
"Thought you might want to sleep in the other bed," he says.
"Nah." Jensen kisses the back of his neck. "Plenty of room to stretch out, no worry about your ass hitting the floor." He snuggles up closer, tucks his knees in behind Jared's.
Jared smiles. He likes curling up together like spoons, likes the way he feels safe and loved when Jensen holds him like that. "Really missed you," he says.
"You too." Jensen kisses the back of his neck again and they both drift off to sleep.
He wakes up to the sound of seagulls and cars honking. Jensen's kissing his ear and lazily stroking his nipples.
"Bet I can make you come in ten minutes," Jensen says.
Jared grins and looks at the clock. "Seven eighteen," he says. "You're on." He loves it when Jensen does this because either way, he wins.
Jensen grins back and slides beneath the covers and Jared's eyes flutter closed. Jensen kisses his stomach and then his mouth is hot around Jared's cock.
Jared flips the blankets down. He lasts longer when he doesn't watch but sometimes, he just can't resist. Jensen's eyes are closed, his eyelashes dark against his cheekbones, his full mouth wrapped around Jared's cock. He lets it slip out of his mouth, cradles it in his hand as he kisses it, working it to full hardness.
"Jen," Jared whispers, reaching down to stroke his hair.
Jensen opens his eyes, smiles up at Jared and parts his lips, taking the head of Jared's cock into his mouth. He suckles on it, never breaking eye contact, and Jared can't hold back his groan.
Jensen pulls back, swipes his tongue over the tip. "Love the way you taste," he whispers. He dips his head, nuzzles against Jared's balls. "Love your smell."
"No fair." Jared's voice is shaky. "No fair talking."
Jensen smiles again, kisses his way up the underside of Jared's shaft. "You like hearing me talk, Jay? You like it when I tell you how much I love your cock?"
Jared whimpers and his hips give a little jerk.
Jensen hums happily, his eyes slitted, his grin smutty. "Yeah," he whispers, "love your fat cock, Jay. Love it down my throat, love it when you grab me by the hair and fuck my mouth, love working it until my jaw aches, so fucking big, tastes so fucking good."
Jared tips his head back on the pillow, covers his face with his hands and gasps when Jensen takes him in again. He's not going to last, he knows it, not with Jensen's mouth so tight and hot around him, his hand stroking and squeezing Jared's balls just right, the memory of his words swirling through Jared's head.
Jensen's fingers slip down and he strokes Jared's hole lightly. Jared groans and feels a heavy ache deep in the pit of his stomach. He's done it before, and every time Jensen touches him there, Jared shakes apart. He parts his legs, arches his hips up so Jensen has better access. Jensen's moaning, the vibrations shooting through Jared's cock, and when he lifts his head to look he sees Jensen's hips rocking, so turned on he's grinding against the mattress.
Jared comes with a soft cry, his fingers tightening in Jensen's hair. Once he's finished shaking, he glances at the clock. Seven twenty-three. It hadn't even been a contest.
"Winner, and still the champion!" Jensen cries, shooting his fists up into the air.
Jared surges forward and tackles him, kisses him hard. It's hot and a little strange to taste his own come on Jensen's lips. He's not sure if he'll ever get used to it. "You don't win every time," he says.
"Close enough," Jensen says, arching up and rubbing his hard cock against Jared's hip.
Jared's stomach growls and both of them laugh.
"I'd say you were hungry for it, but unfortunately, I know better," Jensen says.
Jared grips Jensen's hair and kisses him hard. "You can fuck me if you want," he says and Jensen comes with a surprised gasp.
"Fuck," Jensen pants after it's over. "You can't just say stuff like that without warning me first."
"Don't you want to?" Jared asks.
"Well, yeah, but I wasn't expecting you to say it."
Jared's stomach growls again. "See? I'm hungry for it."
Jensen laughs and kisses his nose. "You’re hungry for breakfast."
"That, too, but I...I don't know. It's, like, what people do, right?"
"Some people." Jensen pushes him off. "Christ, you're heavy. And is this about your parents?"
Jared groans. "No fair. You're not allowed to bring up my parents when we're naked."
"I'll keep that under advisement. Come on. I've already scoped out the place for coffee shops. There's one a few blocks away that serves breakfast, too. I'll grab a quick shower and then we'll go."
"OK," says Jared. He props himself up on one elbow and watches Jensen stand up and walk towards the bathroom. He loves looking at Jensen naked.
He flops back down for a few minutes, gazes up at the ceiling and listens to the ocean and the seagulls and the light traffic. Then he gets up and follows Jensen into the bathroom. They've never been able to shower together before. He steps into the shower behind Jensen and kisses the nape of his neck.
"Is this the part where I make a joke about dropping the soap?" Jensen asks.
"Mmm-hmm." Jared takes the body wash and lathers it up in his hands, slides his hands over Jensen's back. It's slick and the water is hot and Jensen's skin feels amazing. He glides his hands up his back, down his arms, back up again. He moves closer and slides his hands around to soap up Jensen's stomach and chest.
"Are you washing me or feeling me up?" Jensen asks breathlessly.
"Little bit of both." Jared slides his hands down, cups Jensen's balls in one hand and slides his soapy fingers down Jensen's cock.
Jensen hisses in air through his teeth. "Still sensitive," he whispers. "Not everyone has your three second refraction time."
"Love touching you."
Jensen turns and leans up to kiss him. "I love you," he murmurs, then stills and pulls back. He looks away and his cheeks are dark pink. "I, um," he says. Neither one of them has ever said it before.
"I love you, too," Jared tells him, pulling Jensen back towards him. They rest their foreheads together and Jared can't stop smiling. "I have for a long time."
Jensen nods, his hands resting on Jared's hips. "Yeah," he whispers.
They hold on to each other for a long time, swaying a bit beneath the warm spray. Then Jensen presses his face to Jared's neck and groans. "I really need coffee," he says.
Jared laughs and squeezes Jensen tight before letting him go. They finish showering and get dried and dressed and head out in search of food.
The morning air is cool and smells of salt. Jensen's walking the same way he does when they trudge to the dining hall in the mornings, hands stuffed in his pockets, eyes open just enough to see where he's going. Jared grins and bumps his shoulder and Jensen smiles just a bit and bumps back.
It's only a few blocks to the coffee shop Jensen had in mind. They've got a huge breakfast menu and Jared gets waffles and eggs and bacon and coffee and Jensen just gets an egg-white omelet, coffee, and a cup of hot water. He drinks a cup of kava tea every day. It's supposed to help with his anxiety, and while Jared doesn't know if it helps or not, he knows that it smells like feet. It smells like feet and it tastes like feet sprinkled with cinnamon. He's only ever had one sip.
"How's your stewed feet?" Jared asks after adding lots of sugar and cream to his coffee. When he wants to impress people he pretends to drink it black, but he's beyond needing to impress Jensen. Besides, having to pretend he didn't want cream and sugar every single morning would suck.
"You get used to it," Jensen tells him. He finishes his coffee first, then sips his tea and picks at his omelet. Jensen's not really a breakfast person. Jared's mama's always told him that--
Jared puts his fork down and concentrates on swallowing the strawberry-covered waffle in his mouth.
"Jared?" Jensen asks, leaning forward. "You all right?"
Jared swallows the bite in his mouth and breathes. "She couldn't look me in the eye," he says softly.
Jensen sighs. "Fuck, Jay."
"She'll come around," he says dully, as if saying it aloud will make it true. "Daddy's good with it. Maybe not good. I don't know. He's not trying to argue with me, anyway. He doesn't hate me."
"She doesn't hate you either."
Jared shrugs.
"Jay, seriously. I've met your mother. She doesn't hate anybody, especially not you. She might be in shock, but she doesn't hate you. Look, my parents were not surprised this time. They'd had years to get used to the idea and pretty much knew what I was going to say before I said it, and they were still devastated. I have faith in them, though, that they'll understand one day. Coming out's not just a one time thing, you know? It's a process." He reaches across the table and squeezes Jared's hand. "You'll get through it, and so will they. I've seen how much they love you."
"Yeah," Jared says softly. He feels a little better. "After breakfast, you wanna go back to the room and spend all day in bed?"
Jensen looks amused. "I'm sure that can be arranged."
"Not even, I mean of course I want to have sex, but I just...I wanna be close to you right now."
Jensen strokes his thumb over the top of Jared's hand. "Yeah."
Jared enjoys the rest of his waffles and eggs and Jensen even steals a slice of his bacon. They're walking back to the hotel when Jared spies a drugstore. He thinks about going inside, then thinks maybe not.
"Oh, hey," says Jensen suddenly. "I gotta go say hi to somebody."
Jared says, "Yeah, all right. I need to get some toothpaste." It's a lie, but Jensen doesn't pick up on it.
He says, "I'll be right over there," and points to a group of girls sitting at a table at an outdoor café across the street.
Jared ducks into the drugstore, makes his purchases quick and refuses to feel embarrassed, then comes out and lopes across the street. The girl Jensen is talking to is tall and blonde and drop-dead gorgeous.
She's laughing at something and her eyes flick over towards Jared and she smiles. She's got a beautiful smile and Jared's knees feel a little weak because, yes, he's in love with Jensen, but he's still human. "Hey," he says.
"Hey," says Jensen. "Um, Adrianne, this is Jared. My roommate. This is Adrianne. We went to high school together." He puts his hands in his pockets and seems uncomfortable.
Jared shakes her hand. "Hi," he says.
"We're heading to the water park," she says, looking from him to Jensen. "If you want you come." She smiles and bites her lower lip and Jared realizes that she's flirting. With his boyfriend. He'd feel jealous if he wasn't so sure he had nothing to worry about.
"We actually have plans already," Jared tells her.
Adrianne pouts a little bit and, yeah, the way she licks her lips and looks at them pleadingly is pretty fucking hot. Then he notices Jensen move away from him--not much, but enough so that they're far enough apart no one would think they were dating. Combined with the worry about his family, it makes him feel like shit, though he tells himself he's being stupid. It's not like either one of them has to get, "I like cock," tattooed on their foreheads.
"We'll catch up with you later," Jensen says. "I've got your number in my phone, so..."
"Yeah, definitely," she says, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She jumps up and pulls Jensen into a hug. "It was so amazing running into you last night. I missed you."
"Yeah," Jensen says. He hugs her back awkwardly. "Um, bye."
"Bye," she says with a little wave. Jared doesn't get a hug.
Once they're out of earshot, Jared looks over at Jensen and says, "She looooves you."
"Shut up," says Jensen, ducking his head down and blushing a little bit.
"She wants to have your baaabies," Jared croons.
Jensen laughs and shakes his head.
"You know, you could have just told her I was your boyfriend."
Jensen sighs. "It's kind of complicated."
"Really? Because I just came out to my entire family and my mama's probably still crying, so--"
"Hey," Jensen says, reaching out to touch him. "It's not...I know. I know you did that for me--"
"I did it for me, actually. And for them. They deserve to know who I am."
"My parents are still freaked out and they don't want people knowing, yet. If I told Adrianne, she'd tell her parents who'd tell their friends who are my parents' friends and...it's kind of fucked up."
"It's really fucked up," Jared says. "I thought you didn't want to hide this. I thought your whole deal when we started was that you didn't want to be somebody's dirty little secret. And I get why you don't want to be that because it sucks."
"I'm not," Jensen says. He sighs. "You're not my dirty little secret."
"I kind of felt like it back there."
"Look, I'll tell her. I'll go back and tell her right now." He turns and Jared reaches out to grab his arm.
"You don't have to go back and tell her. I'm just, I'm tense. I know this is harder for you in a lot of ways than it is for me."
"It shouldn't be," Jensen says softly. "I know it shouldn't be."
"I didn't grow up being told every Sunday that it was a sin," Jared says.
Jensen reaches up and strokes Jared's hair. "Not every Sunday," he says with a shrug.
"Enough."
Jensen nods, then leans up to kiss him.
Jared pulls back. "She's still just down the street. What if she sees us?"
"Fuck it," Jensen says and kisses him anyway. "I'm tired of hiding," he says against Jared's mouth. "I've done it for so long that I don't even think about it anymore. But I don't mean to hide you. Everybody who matters to me knows."
"I know," Jared says. He pulls away and tugs Jensen by the hand back towards the hotel. He has a plan.
Once they get back to the room, Jared hangs the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, shuts it, then locks the deadbolt and attaches the security chain.
"I don't know what Chad's got planned for today, going into Mexico for more beer, probably," Jensen says. He kicks his shoes off and flops down onto the bed. "For as skinny as he is, he can put away a hell of a lot of alcohol." He pats the bed next to him. "Come here."
Jared crosses the room, tosses his drugstore bag onto the bed next to Jensen, then closes the sliding glass door and pulls the blackout curtains shut.
"Nap time?" Jensen asks with a yawn. "Seriously, vacation's exhausting."
"Look in the bag," Jared tells him.
"At your toothpaste?" Jensen asks, but he's already reaching for the bag. He looks inside and raises his eyebrows. "Not toothpaste."
"No."
Jensen pulls out the lube and condoms. "You're serious about this."
Jared takes his shirt off, tosses it onto the unused bed. "Yeah."
"Right now?"
"Right now."
"Um," says Jensen. "All right." He pushes himself up to kneel and takes off his t-shirt, starts unfastening his jeans. He looks up at Jared who's doing the same thing. "You, uh, you sure you don't want it to be more romantic or something?"
"I'm sure," Jared tells him. He pushes his jeans down leaves them in a pile on the floor. By the time he crawls across the bed, Jensen's got his belt undone and his fly open.
"Because we can..." Jensen's eyes flutter closed when Jared reaches into his fly and strokes his half-hard cock. "We can dim the lights if you want. Put on music. I don't...oh, fuck." He arches into Jared's touch.
"This is good, just like this," Jared whispers. He watches the flush bloom high on Jensen's cheekbones. It's so amazing to watch, to know that he's the one that turns Jensen on so much, to know he's the one giving Jensen so much pleasure.
"Wait," says Jensen. He puts his hand on Jared's arm. "Just, just wait."
"What?" Jared asks. "What's wrong?"
"What happened to you just wanting to be close to me today?"
Jared grins and leans forward to kiss him. "I want to be really close to you," he whispers. He squeezes Jensen's cock again, slides his thumb over the tip.
Jensen moans and bucks into his hand. "Yeah. OK," he says. He leans back far enough to take his shirt off, then reaches into Jared's boxers and begins to stroke him. "Get naked," he whispers in Jared's ear.
Jared pushes his boxers down, stretches out on the bed, slides his hand down his stomach and wraps his fingers around his cock. He strokes himself while Jensen pulls his own clothes off.
"Love watching you," Jensen says as he opens the box of condoms. "So fucking sexy, Jay."
Jared flushes hot the way he always does when he knows Jensen's watching him touch himself.
Jensen grins at him as he peels the anti-tamper plastic off the top of the lube bottle. "You sure you just don't want me to suck you off?"
"Cock slut," Jared says, making Jensen laugh.
"You ready?" Jensen asks him.
"Yeah," he says, suddenly nervous. He stretches out on his stomach and waits. His heart is thumping hard in his chest. He's not quite sure how this works, if Jensen's just going to climb on top of him and start fucking or what.
"Here," Jensen whispers, his hand gentle on Jared's hip. He eases Jared onto his side, smoothes his hand up and down Jared's thigh before pushing his top leg forward. He presses close against Jared's back, and Jared's just about to ask why they're not going to fuck when he feels Jensen's hard cock brush against his ass. Oh. Oh, they're going to do it like that, like spoons.
"I'm just going to touch you," Jensen whispers and his fingers, slick with lube, slide from Jared's thigh, over his ass, and down into the crease. "I'll tell you before I push inside, OK?"
"Yeah," Jared whispers. Jensen's fingers are circling the tight ring of muscle, massaging it. Every time it fills him with an aching need for more. "Do it."
"Give yourself time to get used to it."
Jared slides his thigh up further, cants his hips. "Fuck. Want it so bad."
Jensen makes a soft sound close to a growl and kisses the small of Jared's back. "Oh," he says, kissing his way up Jared's spine, "you're gonna get it."
Jared smiles and rocks back against Jensen's touch.
"I take it you're ready," Jensen says.
Jared nods, and when Jensen's finger slides inside it feels a little weird, but it doesn't hurt the way he'd been expecting it to.
"All right?" Jensen asks.
"Yeah. It's kinda...strange."
Jensen's finger slides in slow and easy, and then he presses against something that's so good it makes Jared's toes curl.
"Nice, huh?" he asks.
Jared gasps and nods. "Good," he says.
Jensen finger fucks him slow for a long time, kissing his back and shoulders and whispering soft words.
"I'm gonna try two fingers," Jensen tells him.
"'kay."
It's a tighter fight and it aches a little bit, but it's a good ache.
"Remember to breathe," Jensen tells him.
Jared hadn't even known he'd been holding his breath. He breathes and bites his lower lip as Jensen works his fingers deeper inside. He's so turned on he's shaking. Jensen murmurs endearments and kisses the back of his neck and his ear and his jaw.
"Doing all right?" he asks.
Jared nods again. He doesn't know if he can talk.
"Tell me if you're all right, Jay."
"Fuck," he gasps. "Want it so bad."
"I know, baby. I know. But you have to tell me how you're doing."
"Good. It's good."
"You're so hot inside, baby. God, can't wait to be inside you."
"Don't wait," Jared moans.
"You're not--"
"I'm ready. I'm ready, Jen, fuck, just do it."
He feels Jensen shiver against him, then slowly pull his fingers out. Jared groans at the loss, takes a deep breath when he hears the crinkle of the condom wrapper.
"You sure?" Jensen asks, but he's already pressing the tip of his cock to Jared's hole.
"Yeah."
Jensen pushes inside slowly and it's too much. It's not pain like Jared expected, not like he's being ripped open, but he's too full, the muscles in his stomach protesting.
"You all right?" Jensen asks softly.
Jared nods. "Yeah." His voice is thick with what he hopes Jensen will interpret as desire.
Jensen stops moving, kisses the back of his neck, runs his hand up and down Jared's arm. "It's OK," he murmurs. "Just breathe."
Jared nods again. He closes his eyes and breathes.
"Give yourself a little while to get used to it. Do you want me to stop?"
"No." Jared takes a few deep breaths, then nods. "It's OK."
Jensen starts moving again, sliding in slow. It's uncomfortable and strange but Jared breathes through it and the discomfort wanes. It starts to feel nice, even, and Jensen's hand is squeezing and pulling on his cock.
"Oh," says Jared, surprised, when he feels pleasure slice through him.
"Good?" Jensen asks.
"Yeah," he whispers. He fists the sheets in his hand and shudders when the sensation goes from too much to not enough. "More. Oh, God..."
Jensen's breath is hot against the side of his neck. He nuzzles at Jared's jaw. "Hey."
Jared turns his head so they can kiss.
"Love you, Jay," Jensen whispers.
Jared nods. He can't keep his eyes open and he reaches back, slides his hand over Jensen's hip to pull him closer.
"What do you need, baby?"
"More. Just...oh, oh God, just...don't stop, OK?"
"I won't."
"Don't stop ever," Jared moans. "This is...fuck, Jen, so good." He wants to talk, feels like he should, wants to tell Jensen what he's feeling and how amazing it is but he can't find the words. "Oh, God," he whispers over and over again.
"I got you," Jensen tells him.
Every time Jensen pulls out, the loss of him aches, and every time he pushes back in, Jared feels like he's shaking apart. He's so close and he doesn't want to come, doesn't want it to end. He grabs Jensen's wrist, pulls Jensen's hand away from his cock and holds it tight against his chest instead. Jensen kisses his shoulder and his neck and his jaw over and over again.
He holds on for as long as he can, losing himself in it, finally breaks and shoves Jensen's hand down towards his cock.
"Wish you could see what you look like," Jensen whispers. "So fucking beautiful like this. Love you more than anything in the world."
Jared groans and tilts his head back as he comes. Jensen thrusts forward so hard that Jared actually sees stars and then he can feel it, can actually feel Jensen coming inside him.
He feels wrung out, completely weak. He lies on his side for a long time, slips his fingers through Jensen's and holds on. He sighs when he feels Jensen ease out of him after a while, then finally works up the energy to turn. Jensen's smiling sleepily at him; he smiles back.
"Hey, you," Jensen whispers.
"Hey," Jared says. He moves closer and lets Jensen pull him so they're lying together, Jensen on his back, Jared with his head on Jensen's chest. He can feel Jensen's heart beating. Jensen strokes his fingers through Jared's hair.
"You OK?" Jensen asks.
"Mmm." Jared nods, shifts and slides his leg over Jensen's thigh. "Love you." He strokes his fingers over Jensen's collarbone. "You're shaking."
"I'm all right."
Jared lifts his head up, looks at Jensen for a long moment. He touches Jensen's mouth, then kisses him. He thinks he knows why Jensen's trembling. He feels the same way. He lays his head back down and closes his eyes and falls asleep to the feel of Jensen's fingers in his hair.
When he wakes, Jensen's not in bed. Jared sits up slowly, smiles at the ache in his muscles. He stretches, then goes to look for Jensen in the bathroom; he's not there, either. There's nowhere else in the room he could be. Jared worries for a minute, worries that it was too soon, too intense, and that Jensen's running as far away as he can, but then he sees the note on the pillow.
Went to get food. Back soon. Love you.
Jared smiles and reads the last line over and over again. He thinks about throwing the note away but instead he folds it neatly and tucks it in the bottom of his duffle bag.
He really is sore, and the room has a large tub. It's not big enough for him to completely stretch out, but it's larger than the tub he grew up with. He runs a bath as hot as he can stand it, leaves the bathroom door open a crack, and slips into the tub. He hisses at the heat of it, eases himself down. His thighs ache and his back is tight. The hot water stings as he parts his legs and reaches down to touch his hole. He smiles and slides further down in the tub, knees bending, as he remembers Jensen inside him, remembers how perfect it had all been.
He's just drifting back to sleep when he feels Jensen's fingers soft against his cheek.
"Hey," Jensen says.
Jared's eyes flutter open. "Hey."
"Didn't know you were a bath kind of guy."
"Muscles were a little sore." He smiles when Jensen kisses his forehead.
"You OK?"
He nods. "Yeah. You got food?"
"Pizza. And soda. I need to get some ice."
"'kay."
"Don't drown while I'm gone."
"I won't." Jared tips his head up for a kiss, then closes his eyes when Jensen stands up to leave. He listens to Jensen go, soaks in the heat for a while longer, then gets out of the tub when he hears Jensen get back with the ice. He towels off and pulls on a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Jensen's got the pizza box open on the table--half with tomato and onion, half with everything, including pineapple.
Jared smiles and kisses him. "You really do love me," he says.
"If I can watch you eat that much crap on your pizza without throwing up then, yes, I guess I do."
Jared grins and grabs one of the everything pieces, a paper napkin, and sits on the edge of the bed while he finishes it happily.
"Ran into Adam while I was out," Jensen tells him after chewing and swallowing a small bite of a tomato onion slice. "Chad's having a bonfire tonight if you want to go."
Jared swallows the last bit of his slice and reaches for another one. He thinks about it as he chews. "Nah," he says finally. "Unless you want to."
"I'm not the social one," Jensen reminds him. "If it wasn't for you, I'd talk to three people a week."
Jared nods. It's totally true. He stretches his bare feet out and places them over Jensen's. He can't stop smiling.
"You're really OK?" Jensen asks.
"Yeah. And I just...I've been thinking about my parents. I'm just so happy with you."
Jensen blushes and looks down at his pizza.
"I've never been this happy in my entire life and I just...I wanted them to know how happy I was."
"They'll figure it out," Jensen tells him.
"I hope so."
Jensen wiggles his feet and Jared smiles, presses his own feet down a little harder.
"I'm only going to have a few pieces, so you can have half of mine if you're still hungry when you finish yours."
"Thanks," Jared says. He's starving, so he just might. "What kind of soda did you get?"
"Dr. Pepper," Jensen says, reaching over to pull the two-liter out of a plastic bag. Jensen doesn't even like Dr. Pepper, he just knows it's Jared's favorite.
For two months, two weeks, four days, and, Jared looks at the clock, sixteen hours, Jared has had the best boyfriend in the world.