Chapter Text
Forget girls for now, you’ve got plenty of time for that when you get a bit older.
16th February 2001 -
Oh Emma, Oh Emma - i’m in a dilemma.
He found the tattered piece of paper stuffed right at the back of Andy’s desk draw. His brother’s very first poem and certainly not his last. Robert had never met anyone so soft and gullible in his life. He truly believed that all he needed to do was smile at a girl, maybe write her a poem and give her some flowers. Andy thought that he was the leading man in a rom com and Robert was nothing but his comedic sidekick.
It hadn’t always been that way. They’d been best friends. Andy owed his life to Robert. Who knows what would have happened if he’d had to stay with his psycho of a dad?
His dad .
For a few minutes he’d forgotten; lost in the distraction of the memories of Andy’s possessions. The young boy slammed the wooden draw shut and then punched it hard - as if it could take back the last two years of his life. He wanted to go back to innocently asking his father about girls, mucking about with Andy on the farm, talking to his mother… Mum .
What if dad killed mum?
That’s why his room was such a mess; there had to be something somewhere. Andy knew something. He had to be protecting dad.
A soft thud came from behind him and Robert spun around as if he’d heard a gunshot, his palms sweaty as he reached out to the wall. His Buffy poster was already curled up on the floor. He grabbed hold of it and willed it to stick back in place.
His dad had called it a stupid TV show that he wasn’t old enough to be exposed to. Yet Robert insisted that he and Andy could watch it together after doing homework. Eventually it had done the trick. Staring at the gorgeous face of Buffy Summers, Robert realised that she had been the only consistent thing in his life since before his mum had died. Sarah had even braved the odd episode, sitting between the two boys on the sofa while Jack got Victoria to sleep. Robert could barely remember it happening, it had been so rare. Those were the days before they’d known about her and Richie; when they’d use to be a family.
“I hope you find a girl like her one day” Sarah Sugden had said, identifying the one character that she approved of. Robert had screwed up his nose, not seeing the appeal of the long auburn hair, big expressive eyes and nervous smile. “Willow’s a geek! She’s more Andy’s league” he’d insisted with a chuckle.
“I think she’s nice enough” his brother had replied, being in one of his rare playful moods. No one was allowed to argue during Buffy. That was the rule that Sarah had imposed. He didn’t play by any rules now that he watched the show alone.
The last episode he’d watched was from the fourth series. It was titled Who are you? That was what had been plaguing on his mind as he’d ransacked his and Andy’s room.
Who are you dad? Who are you brother? Do I really want to know?
That’s how he’s found himself at Richie’s. He needs to know everything. There’s something missing. His father is on trial for killing his mother. He could lose him; the man who he never really had the birds and bees talk with. No; he’s already losing him to the fake brother he’d inherited from caring about a stranger. He never should have tried to make a friend. His dad always says blood is thicker than water, look after your own. Mum, Dad and Victoria. That’s his family unless his father is the one hiding something. Richie knows something. He must know.
He’s having lunch with Richie and Victoria’s there so he has to tread carefully. She doesn’t understand a lot of what’s going on but she’s his sister and he’s not heartless - despite what Kathy and his dad might think. Seeing Richie isn’t a betrayal. It’s a necessity.
He thinks back to how he left the bedroom; is everything just how it was before? Will Andy notice that he’s been snooping? Should he even care?
If Richie asks him if he wants a biscuit one more time, he just might regret it. Every time Sarah is brought up, her ex lover has this guilty look on his face and Robert wants to punch it. Andy’s always been the violent one, taking straight after his real dad. It’s a last resort for Robert. He lashes out if he sees no other way to fix things. He punched Donna because she was bullying Andy. He does everything he can to protect his family. He even ran away from home because he was being a burden and making his mum and dad fight. But what happens when your family doesn’t feel like your own anymore? Andy and Jack. Robert and Victoria. They’re like two different families living in the same home.
“Did you love my mum?”
His voice is timid, still afraid of coming on too strong despite how desperate he is for the truth. “Robert I can’t talk to you about-”
“How did you know?”
In his mind he’s back with his dad, asking what to do to make girls notice him. Forget girls for now, you’ve got plenty of time for that when you get a bit older. Now he is older. He feels one hundred years old and girls shouldn’t be a priority right now. Richie’s not answering about his mum but maybe he’ll tell him about the damage that love can do. Maybe love was what killed his mum.
Buffy last night had body swaps and witches that seemed to be in love. He doesn’t understand how Willow could love Oz and then seem to love Tara a series later. She wasn’t gay and then she was. Mum was alive and now she’s dead. None of it makes sense. There’s no clear reason for these things happening. It’s like he’s missed an episode, even when he’s sure he clicked record on the VCR. He can’t rely on a TV show to explain his life to him anymore.
“Know what?” Richie frowned, helping himself to a biscuit to distract himself. Victoria is sat beside him, her face buried in a picture book. It’s her favourite, the one Sarah always use to read to her.
“Who you are? Who you love? Is it worth it, any of it?”
Richie raises an eyebrow. He’s bitten off more than he can chew. Lunch had been an olive branch but suddenly the tree has overgrown. Robert’s watching him with pleading eyes. His father could go to prison. His mother is dead. He’s cost this boy his family. It’s too much.
“That’s a lot of questions,” he begins.
Robert’s hands are gripping the sofa. His eyes feel heavy. It’s like he’s staring right through the near-stranger, “No one will tell me anything!”
The clock chimes on the wall.
“Can we go home now?” Victoria asks.
”No-” Robert starts, his voice still raised.
Richie gives him a look of warning. The youngest Sugden clutches her book to her chest nervously. Robert takes hold of her hand gently, “I mean yeah, come on Victoria let’s go.” With reluctance he walks with her to the door. Richie stops him by putting a hand on his shoulder. “Robert, you’ve got to be strong.”
He just nods and then takes his sister home. At the very least he can be strong for her.