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Harvey doesn't know how long he stood there; looking, no, staring at the wall in front of him, glass in hand. Some would say it's just a wall. But Harvey knew better. This wasn't just any wall. If this wall could talk and thank God it didn't, oh the stories it could tell. Victories, defeats, lies, and mayhem all wrapped up in the names that have adorned it. Dirty little secrets polished in gold.
When Harvey first walked through the front doors, it held the names of Schmidt and Van Dyke. Two bastards who lived in an age where rich white boys were the only ones allowed to climb the corporate ladder. That was until Jessica Pearson came along and showed them she had more balls than the both of them put together. By the time she was done proving to them, there was no dark corner she was unwilling to go to be successful, they both slithered away into retirement. Alongside a healthy dose of don't come around here no more.
At the time, Harvey was just a busted ball player making due in the mail room. He had no idea what he wanted to do until Jessica gave him a choice. Get the fuck over himself or get the fuck out. Turned out it was just the wake-up call he needed. When he returned six years later, he had one goal- to have his name next to hers on this very wall within five years. And there it now sits. Pearson Specter Litt. It was supposed to feel like victory, sex and music and success all wrapped in one. But tonight, in the stillness of the empty hallway, it felt like failure, loss, and emptiness.
Harvey had just got back in town, after another "quick trip" to Chicago. He'd taken a lot of those recently. Each with a purpose, both said and unsaid. But as the car pulled out of the terminal and started towards the condo, he found he wasn't ready to call it a night. It didn't matter that he was bone weary and emotionally drained. No, he was still too restless, still unsettled.
So instead he came to the one place that felt as close to home as he ever had. But tonight, like so many lately, it felt hollow and empty for reasons he couldn't or wouldn't name. It wasn't supposed to end like this. He wasn't ready. He tried to tell Jessica earlier at dinner. That she was supposed to be here, like their names, side by side. Because Jessica was more than just his boss, she was his friend, his confidant, and more times than he cared to admit, his confessor. She was one of the very few people he could count on no matter what. Until she went and left.
Like they all do, a voice whispered inside his head. Harvey took a quick swallow, as his mind replayed their dinner conversation.
"You don't need me anymore, Harvey."
How he had gritted his teeth and bit back a curse at those words. Harvey didn't trust himself to speak, unsure the emotions he kept locked deep inside, would stay buried.
She cocked her head and smiled, in her way that said she heard them anyway.
"Harvey?"
He continued to stare at his plate, no longer pretending to be interested in eating, settling for pushing his food around.
"Harvey, look at me."
He glanced up and met her eyes.
"Why are you here?" she asked softly.
"I told you why."
"No. What you told me was another bullshit excuse. Much like you used to do when you would happen to be near my office before bragging about something stupid until you were ready to spill whatever it was you were struggling with. This is no different."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he responded, plucking at invisible lint on his shirt.
"Uh huh. And just how stupid do you think I am? How many times are we going to do this? You're racking up quite the frequent flyer miles," she mocked.
"Jessica. If you think for one moment I keep coming down here just because I miss you, then you would be wrong."
"Oh, you miss me. But that isn't why you keep coming down here."
"Do enlighten me," he challenged.
She toyed with the stem of her wineglass, let the silent moment stretch out between them. Harvey felt like he could hear the tick of each second pass and his nervousness grew.
Shit shit shit, he thought. She knows. He could feel it. Why he thought he could keep anything from her was beyond him. But this was what he wanted, to come clean, to have it all out on the table. Absolution.
The moment passed, and she took a breath, then paused and swallowed her first thought.
"Not this time Harvey. This time, you're going to have to do this on your own. It's time. And you're more than ready."
"What?" He barked, before regaining his composure. "You know Jessica, you must be losing your touch. Maybe you should come back home and I can give you some lessons in closing the deal."
She laughed then. "Is that what you think?"
"Well, I've never known you to back away from anything," he countered, his voice clipped.
Fire blazed briefly in her eyes and it sent a spark of terror down his spine.
"Let me tell you something," she started, each word sharp and terse. "I don't have anything left to prove. Been there done that and took down anyone who dared to try and stop me. In fact, I will probably do it again. But the one thing I am not doing. I am not going to sit here and let you goad me into playing your pseudo mommy."
Harvey flinched.
"You think you're the best closer in town?" Prove it. Take your ass back to New York and do what you have been wanting to do since that kid walked into your life," she finished, leaving no room for argument.
Each word stung. No one could hurl verbal daggers better than Jessica Pearson, especially when they were true.
"You know, this was easier when all I had to do was come by your office," his voice low, conceding a small defeat.
"You don't like easy Harvey. You never have," she soothed.
He chuckled then. "True. But I learned from the best."
"Damn straight. Now get out of here. And the next time you come visit, it better be for a real problem."
They stood. He walked with her out of the restaurant where her car was waiting. "Can I drop you anywhere?"
"Nah, he uttered. "I've got a plane to catch."
"Go get him, closer," she whispered, kissing his cheek.
Mike. He was all Harvey could think about on the flight back. Up until a year ago, Mike wasn't the only one walking around with a secret. Harvey had carried one of his own. His feelings for the younger man. If someone were to ask, Harvey wouldn't be able to count the many times he almost came clean, told Mike everything. Yet something always stopped him. Fear, that annoying voice once again answered. Despite that, the weight of his feelings became heavier every day. But there were too many questions on the other side; questions without real answers. Harvey learned a long time ago, that a good lawyer never asked a question he didn't already know the answer to. Like, what would Mike think? Could he, did he, would he feel anything? Harvey didn't even know if Mike was even gay or bi. And then, of course, there was his on again, off again relationship with Rachel (currently off).
"Stupid heart," he groused to no one. Why the hell should he listen to it? That anemic piece of shit had led him down many a road to nowhere too many times to count. But with Mike it felt different; it was different.
Mike walked into his life and before Harvey could call bullshit and run the other way, he proceeded to turn Harvey's mind and body on. Back then, Mike was untapped talent trapped in a bad situation. And now? Now, Mike was a force of freaking nature and Harvey wanted to get lost in his storm.
He could do this, Harvey told himself; he would call Mike and tell him everything. But the minute Harvey stepped off the plane, he faltered, opted to hide out in the comfort of his office, his music, his solitude. Coward. He took a healthy swallow, the amber liquid burned like fire down his throat drowning out the noise in his head.
"I thought I would find you here," Mike's soft voice echoed from the corner.
Harvey turned to see the man in question walking toward him wearing a pair of grey sweatpants a black wrinkled t-shirt and a hoodie. Mike looked rumpled, disheveled and downright delicious. Great, Harvey thought, not only was he going to have to deal with his heart but like some damn teenager, control his raging hormones too. This was just not his night.
"What did you do, rob a college dropout on your way here?" he asked, opting for sarcasm to hide his surprise.
"Funny. More like I couldn't sleep."
"Is this what you usually do when you can't sleep? Come downtown to the office."
"No. Tonight," Mike said leaning against the wall, "...I came here looking for you."
"And why is that?" Harvey countered, comforted by the easy banter.
Mikes eyes flickered to the names on the wall before meeting Harvey's gaze.
Harvey sagged a bit. Yet another weight on his shoulders.
"How is she?"
"Who? Jessica?"
"Yes. Unless you're seeing some secret mistress who just happens to live in the same city as Jessica."
"I could be." Harvey mocked.
"I guess. But then, you wouldn't be back the same night. Unless you have lost the Specter touch."
"You wish."
Mike smiled and just like that, the room didn't feel empty anymore.
"How did you know I was here?"
"When aren't you here? These days you spend more time here than anywhere else. Besides," Mike continued "You do this whenever you're trying to work through something. And this must be pretty serious."
"She says I should take down her name."
Mike stayed silent; let the moment stretched out between them. Harvey took another swallow.
"I don't know if it is a good time." Harvey murmured.
Mike snorted.
"What?" Harvey's voice rose slightly.
"Not a good time? And just what would that look like?"
"Call me doing my due diligence."
"Due Diligence? That's what you do when you believe there are options left on the table. She left Harvey. She's not going to change her mind and come back. You know this. So why don't you stop bullshitting and do what you need to do."
Harvey doesn't remember moving, doesn't remember deciding. He just knew that the words had stopped and that he heard his own blood rushing in his ears. It took a moment for his brain to catch up to his body, but by then it was too late. He had already fallen over the abyss and he no longer cared. If he was only going to have this one moment, he was damn sure going to make it count. The taste of Mike's lips against his, the urge to nip and bite and suck at their plushness, the feel of the soft fine hairs that ran along Mike's neck as he pulled him closer; the warm heat of Mike's body flushed with his own. It was heaven and hell and everything in between. It was also not the way he thought his night would end. He realized he said that last bit out loud when a breathy voice answered.
"And just how did you think tonight would end."
Harvey opened his eyes. Apparently, he closed them when he kissed Mike. Mike's lips were red and puffy, his eyes blown wide.
Fuck.
Harvey struggled, tried to find the right way to apologize, but damn if his mouth could form words. Not with Mike's taste still on his tongue and his scent in his nostrils.
"Definitely not like this." he finally managed to say taking a step back.
"Well," Mike answered, stepping forward, back into Harvey's space.
"That's too bad because I have thought about my night ending like this a lot," he said, a devilish smile on his lips. "You fucking me in your office. Bending me over your desk, yanking me by my tie until.."
Harvey again acted on impulse, shoving them both up against the wall. He cut off Mike's naughty tirade with a bruising kiss that only stopped when his lungs demanded air. Mike whimpered at the loss.
"Mike… you need to be sure. Before this goes any further," he panted, his body vibrating.
Mike reached out and grabbed Harvey, pulled him in flush and ground his hips against Harvey's pelvis. Mike was hard, and the feel of his clothed cock sliding against Harvey set him on fire. It was all the answer Harvey needed. He dove back in.
By the time morning crested across the New York skyline, the wall that held the names Pearson Specter Litt had a few more secrets to keep.