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The first time Byakuya ends up in Juushiro’s bed it’s entirely alcohol-fuelled. Of course it is - if he weren’t drunk there would be no way his ex-pupil, the son of his dear friend, could manage to get him to give in, tear off his clothes and writhe naked and sweaty in unfamiliar sheets with someone centuries younger than him. They’re both clumsy and desperate that night, but it takes a long time for Juushiro’s drunken mind to realise that Byakuya isn’t being clumsy because he’s drunk, not the way he is himself; Byakuya is just inexperienced – a virgin, maybe, but even in the morning when they’re both definitely sober and Byakuya is curled up against his back he doesn’t ask – doesn’t dare.
Juushiro Ukitake very rarely does things he regrets – experience and age have taught him to behave better than that – but he regrets sleeping with Byakuya. At first. Until Byakuya nibbles on his earlobe and tells him that he used to love seeing him walk around shirtless, those summers that they were still student and teacher. Until Byakuya runs a smooth, cool hand down his side, over every rib and down to his hipbone and says: “You’re so handsome, Juushiro.”
Never, never has his given name crossed Byakuya’s lips before. He’s been ‘Captain’ and ‘Sensei’ and even ‘Lord Ukitake’, but never Juushiro. And it sounds so perfect and so fitting in Byakuya’s voice that it makes Juushiro’s stomach dance and flip. The regret disappears, and he decides in a split second that for as long as Byakuya is willing, the two of them are going to be lovers. “Handsome?” He says, flirting shamelessly. “Surely not. The only handsome person in this bed is you.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Byakuya scoffs. “I’m not tall enough.”
Juushiro feels one more guilty pang as he realises how naïve Byakuya is still, but it’s soon drowned out by lust as Byakuya kisses him softly and clenches his hand in the hair puffed out around Juushiro’s shoulders. They make love again and now that he’s in possession of all his faculties it’s not hard for Juushiro to make Byakuya scream his name and beg for completion. Incidentally, Byakuya screaming his name turns out to be the most addictive drug Juushiro has ever tasted, and as the year turns from autumn into winter they spend so many nights together Juushiro is sure someone will find out. But no-one does – or at least, no-one says anything – and what began as a night of drunken misdemeanor turns into the most precious relationship he’s ever had.
Everything about Byakuya is endearing – his looks, his figure, his boyish confidence, his clever mind, every single bit of him inside and out is perfect. “Juushiro,” He says one day, idly curious as they cuddle together against the cold, “Why do you and I still see each other?”
“What do you mean?”
Byakuya runs a firm hand up and down Juushiro’s thigh, looking thoughtful. “I always had the impression that you never stayed with one lover for very long.”
Spoken like that, it makes Juushiro sound like some kind of slut. Perhaps it’s true; before Byakuya he didn’t stick with any one lover for more than a few weeks, not because he’s callous or flippant but because there never seemed any profit in carrying on once it started to get boring.
And when he thinks about it, he and Byakuya really aren’t just ‘lovers’ and more. Not after so many months, not when it still sends shivers down his spine to hear Byakuya moaning and begging for him. Not when he cares about more than the sex, when he wants to be with Byakuya just to be close to him. The realisation that he’s fallen in love for only the third time in his long life makes him swallow hard, because of all the people to fall for, he has managed to fall for a man who is destined to marry, lead a clan and lead a division as well.
“Perhaps I was just waiting for the right one,” He says easily, because you don’t get as old as he is without learning to lie when you need to. “Waiting for someone who always satisfies me.” Byakuya smiles and closes his eyes and Juushiro kisses him, but this time it is bittersweet. This is the man he loves. And he will stay with him – for just as long as he’s allowed to.
Even though he knows it is inevitable, in the end losing Byakuya is as sudden as it is unexpected. Two months earlier Juushiro waved his lover away on a long mission to the Rukongai, and on the night that Byakuya should be home, should be meeting him at Ugendo and telling him all about his travels, Juushiro finds himself alone. One of his brothers shares the news, casual and offhand.
“Apparently that Byakuya Kuchiki found himself a wife while he was out patrolling this time,” Says Saionji. “I heard his family is furious. She’s a commoner.”
“Byakuya Kuchiki? You must be mistaken,” Juushiro replies, for how many times has Byakuya told him how much he hates the idea that he has to marry? But…
But Byakuya is rebellious, and he’s still young, and actually…
Actually, it doesn’t sound so unlikely at all. Marrying a commoner wife in protest. Someone pretty and down-to-earth and nothing like the noble daughters being thrust at him from all sides.
“No, it’s definitely true. Apparently she’s really pretty.”
“Oh. Well, a marriage is always good news.” He manages to say that much with an even tone, but then he excuses himself from the room and goes to his bedroom. He lies on the sheets that he’s shared so many times with Byakuya and stares up at the ceiling, numb. He isn’t sure how to feel. Betrayed? But he doesn’t have that right, does he? He always knew that he would lose Byakuya to his clan, to a wife. But this is so sudden and so shocking that he can’t help but feel cut adrift.
That evening over dinner his siblings between them fill in the picture. Byakuya’s wife is named Hisana. She’s petite and beautiful. She’s a commoner, and not just a commoner; a commoner from one of the outer districts. Byakuya seems deliriously in love. He hasn’t stopped smiling since he got home, even after facing a diatribe from his outraged grandfather. And suddenly Juushiro finds that he can’t listen to any more.
“Hm, I don’t feel that well. My chest feels tight.” It’s no lie; he really feels that he can’t breathe, hand reaching up subconsciously to press down over his lungs. He knows his body well enough to know that this tightness is emotional and not physical, but whatever the cause, the symptoms are real.
“You should rest, Juu-Nii,” Says Saionji, but he doesn’t sound unduly concerned. That’s the only real advantage of a chronic illness – you can blame it for all of your problems and never have anyone question it.
Juushiro’s chest burns as he walks back to his bedroom, and as soon as he’s closed the door behind himself the pain comes out as tears. He buries himself in his blankets to hide the noise and lets the full pain of swift abandonment wash over him. He hasn’t loved many people in his life. Only Byakuya, and two more before him. One left him. One died. And now Byakuya has left him as well – maybe there’s a pattern emerging.
In the morning Juushiro composes himself, and when he sees Ginrei coming out of the Captain-Commander’s office he congratulates him on the marriage of his grandson with sincerity.
“He’s foolish,” Ginrei growls. “The girl’s sickly and weak, and not very bright either.”
For an awful second Juushiro is glad to hear it. Maybe this Hisana will die in short order and he can have Byakuya back. But as soon as he thinks it he hates himself for being so utterly selfish, for cursing this poor unknown girl whose only crime is being more beloved to Byakuya than him. “I hear she’s very beautiful,” He says diplomatically.
“I suppose I’ll grant her that.”
“Is Byakuya happy?” He has to ask that, has to know even if it does sound strange.
“He hasn’t stopped grinning like a lovelorn fool since he came home,” Ginrei is all disapproval – but Ginrei has always been like that. He cares for the clan, not the people who make it up.
“That’s good to hear. A marriage is always good news.” It’s an old, trite line, but old, trite lines are easy to fall back on in a situation like this even if they aren’t true in the slightest.
“Good news?” Ginrei snorts in disbelief and says his goodbyes, stalking away with an air of injury. But of course he objects to Byakuya’s marriage for entirely different reasons. All Ginrei has lost is the opportunity to forge an alliance through marriage, while Juushiro has lost…well, everything. Or it feels like everything.
For the next few weeks he goes through his days by rote, passionless and automatic. Until Byakuya comes to his office, pink-cheeked and smiling, and as he looks at him standing there on the other side of his desk Juushiro tells himself not to spoil something so precious as this.
“I’m so happy for you, Byakuya-kun. Love is a wonderful thing.” So wonderful, and so painful to lose.
“I was afraid you would be angry,” Byakuya replies, looking concerned.
Angry? How could Juushiro ever be angry with someone he loves so dearly and so deeply? “I could never be angry that you’ve found someone you love,” He says. “I wish you two many long and happy years together.”
Byakuya sighs with relief. “Thank you. I have to go, I’m supposed to be running errands for Lieutenant Sasakibe.” He turns to leave.
“Goodbye Byakuya-kun.”
“Goodbye Captain.”
And he’s gone, gone literally and gone metaphorically and Juushiro has never hated being called ‘Captain’ so much before today. Coming from Byakuya it’s a demotion, the clearest way that Byakuya could ever have told him that there will be no more lazy afternoons by the koi pond, no more passionate nights, nothing.
That night Juushiro finds himself a new lover, a man who towers over even him, with a barrel chest and arms like steel hawsers. And he breaks himself against this stranger, cries out and sobs and pretends it’s because of the cock inside him and not the fact that his soul is screaming. The towering man lasts for mere days, and the pretty and eager shop boy who follows lasts only hours.
After that Juushiro can’t help but remember Byakuya, hand on his thigh, asking him why he never held onto anyone for long, and as he remembers he is overcome with bitterness. Why hold onto someone you don’t love? And for that matter, why hold onto someone you do love? It doesn’t last. It never has.
Juushiro survives the coming years by forcing himself to be formal and polite to Byakuya. It makes it easier. They have their places, and must stay there. He never brings up their relationship, never strays beyond the polite and meaningless chatter of the noble classes, and even though it hurts to not be able to touch him, to speak openly to him, he steels himself and tells himself that Byakuya is much happier with Hisana than he ever could be with him.
And then Hisana dies. Juushiro wants to be jubilant, because now nothing is stopping Byakuya from being his again, but when he goes to pay his respects along with his brothers and sisters he is overcome with second-hand grief. Byakuya is a wreck, barely able to contain his tears, and Ginrei is forced to accept their condolences on his behalf. And Juushiro knows, knows with iron certainty, that loss won’t send Byakuya into his arms again. It may well send him to his grave, though; he seems so pale and tortured, and he looks as if he hasn’t slept in days. The worst thing is that there is nothing he can do to help. Not now that he is only ‘Captain Ukitake’ and not a lover to hold Byakuya through his tears.
Months stretch out into years and Juushiro begins to mend, only wavering slightly when Ginrei dies and Byakuya assumes captaincy of the Sixth. But once again formality saves him and he cultivates a polite but distant relationship with the man who already knows every secret he’s ever had to tell. Eventually, he remembers what it is to be happy again. He takes up with a beautiful young man who works in a bakery and always brings him his favourite pastries as gifts, and he is so sweet and endearing that Juushiro finds himself at the start of another relationship, fragile and fledgling and exhilarating.
“You’re beaming again, Juu-chan.”
“Am I? Sorry,” Juushiro replies. He’s supposed to be commiserating with Shunsui about another failed attempt to get Nanao into bed.
“Looking forward to the Captain’s meeting tomorrow?”
“Not really,” Juushiro replies airily. “I wasn’t aware we had anything to discuss, unless Soi Fon wants to complain about uniform standards again.”
“Maybe I should start flirting with Soi Fon,” Shunsui says “Maybe she would want me.”
“I doubt it. You know how it is with her and Yoruichi.”
Shunsui downs the rest of his drink and slumps over the table, sighing. “Maybe I should try that.”
“What, being in love with Yoruichi?”
“Being in love with someone the same gender as me. What do you think, would you sleep with me Juu-chan?”
Juushiro can’t help but burst into laughter at Shunsui’s hangdog expression and ridiculous idea. “No. Not in a million years.”
“What, I’m not your type? That’s so unfair, Juu-chan. What is your type, anyway?”
“Hmm, someone with long hair…dark hair, usually. Shorter than me – but most people are, I suppose. Someone clever, definitely. Someone with nice eyes.” Shunsui laughs, and Juushiro looks at him askance. “What?”
“So your ideal man is – what? – Byakuya Kuchiki?” It’s only after his expression turns to horror that he realises that Shunsui is joking and by then it’s too late. “What, seriously? You and him? When?”
“I…Shunsui…”
“You never told me about that!” Shunsui seems gleeful, like a dog with a juicy new bone, and Juushiro is too upset to be gentle with him.
“I didn’t, and I never intended to. Change the subject or I’m leaving,” He says flatly. Shunsui seems surprised, but obliges.
“I’m thinking of asking Nanao out to dinner, you know. Somewhere really fancy. I could get her a dress!”
“I’m sure she would never wear any kind of dress you picked out for her.” The conversation turns back to a comfortable subject; how little chance Shunsui really has with Nanao and how ridiculous his attempts to woo her are, but the thought that Shunsui knows about the relationship between him and Byakuya nags at him until, as they’re leaving, he grabs Shunsui by the wrist.
“You must never, never tell anyone.”
“About you and Kuchiki?”
“Yes. Promise me you won’t tell.”
And perhaps Shunsui can sense the pain behind the secret; he nods, promises, and Juushiro goes home to his charming young baker.
But suddenly the baker and his confections have lost their savour, and Juushiro is once again in the unenviable position of sleeping alone, stranded in the middle of his bed remembering how beautiful Byakuya used to look spread out across the sheets. It’s a far cry from the Byakuya he knows now; now Byakuya doesn’t smile – surely Hisana took his happiness to the grave with her – but Juushiro can still hold on to the sweet, distant memory.
The Captain’s meeting the next day is long and dull and tedious, and there is a collective sigh of relief when the Captain-Commander announces that he’s taking them out to dinner. He ends up sitting between Shunsui and Komamura, and between them they are noisy and boisterous and Juushiro is actually having a lot of fun, until he looks across the table and finds Byakuya staring at him.
Byakuya’s storm-grey eyes have always been expressive, but Juushiro isn’t sure what they’re saying this time. There is something almost wistful in Byakuya’s gaze, regretful, but it’s gone before Juushiro can really tell and Byakuya is once more in quiet conversation with Captain Unohana.
“More sake, Juu-chan?” Shunsui sounds as if he is asking a question but he’s already pouring. Juushiro doesn’t object; he takes up the cup and gulps the sake down to smooth over the discomfort Byakuya’s staring brought on.
Drinking soon becomes the main event of the evening; they carry on to a bar and as Juushiro watches Komamura gets terribly, embarrassingly drunk and starts singing. Shunsui is in fits of giggles and Juushiro is laughing too, but when the laugh starts to turn into a cough he excuses himself and walks outside to take in some fresh air.
He’s leaning against the wall with his eyes closed, taking deep and even breaths to calm his lungs, when he realises that someone has followed him outside. “Are you okay?”
Byakuya.
“Oh, I’m quite alright Captain Kuchiki. I just needed a breath of fresh air.”
Byakuya’s face is half shadowed in the lee of the wall, and Juushiro can’t read his expression. There is a long, empty pause and then:
“Your collar…”
“Hm?”
Byakuya is already reaching out as Juushiro looks down. His collar is crooked, and as he stares Byakuya’s long elegant fingers close over it, pulling it back into place and he’s about to thank him when Byakuya’s hand presses flat against his skin.
Juushiro watches the hand as it slides inexorably from his chest to his neck, up into his hair and then a pair of so-familiar lips press against his own. Byakuya. Byakuya is kissing him again, for the first time in decades. He tastes of alcohol, and that only makes Juushiro think of the first time. The very first time that he tasted Byakuya, felt him, fell for him.
He brings up his hands, snatching Byakuya closer and returning the kiss with passion he thought he’d never feel again, until the younger man is making soft noises of pleasure against his lips and pressing closer and closer.
They part breathless and as they stand there in the half-light Juushiro watches Byakuya’s chest rising and falling harshly. And then he looks into Byakuya’s face and the spark of hope building up in his chest is extinguished.
Byakuya looks horrified.
“I’m sorry,” He says. “I’m…I’m sorry!”
And he’s gone.
It feels as if someone has suddenly and swiftly cut Juushiro’s stomach open. He feels sick. And someone must have wondered where he was and what had happened to him, for as he leans against the wall and tries to fight back the tears that burn his eyes Shunsui and the Captain-Commander come out to look for him. “Do you need Captain Unohana?” Booms Yamamoto, and Juushiro shakes his head.
“I’m fine,” He gasps out. “Just…need to…rest…”
“Chest bothering you again?” Yamamoto is all concern, but Shunsui looks suspicious. He knows what an attack looks like, after all, and this isn’t one in the slightest.
“Yes,” Juushiro lies. “Yes, it’s…it’s fine…I’ll go home…”
“Captain Kyoraku, go with him. Make sure he gets back safely.”
As soon as the Captain-Commander is back inside Juushiro starts walking without waiting to see if Shunsui is actually following. But he is, and they’re mere streets away from the bar when he grabs Juushiro by the arm and hauls him round to face him.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know,” Juushiro replies. “My chest started to ache. It’s getting better now though, you don’t need to see me home. I’m fine.”
“Stop lying,” Shunsui sounds insulted. Well, Juushiro should know better than to lie to him. For all the years of practice he’s had at lying, Shunsui has had just as many years to practice seeing through those lies.
“It’s nothing, Shunsui, it doesn’t matter.”
“It was Byakuya, wasn’t it?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m not stupid, Juushiro.” Shunsui only ever calls him Juushiro when he’s angry or if they’re in the middle of a battle. “You walk out for air, he walks out after you, and then we come out and you look like you’re about to burst into tears and he’s nowhere to be seen. What did he say to you?”
“Nothing!” Juushiro protests – it’s a half truth, after all.
“Then he did something.”
“He kissed me.” It comes out before Juushiro can stop it, and it’s as if admitting it has released the stopper on decades worth of pain. He tells Shunsui the whole sorry story there in the middle of the deserted street and finishes in tears, burying his face in his hands as he realises that truly, all those decades of healing were meaningless when with just one kiss, one single solitary kiss, Byakuya has undone all of the barriers Juushiro put up around his broken heart.
“So he just abandoned you as soon as he got married?”
“N-No, it wasn’t like that…”
“Wasn’t it? It sounds to me as though you loved him and all he did was throw you away.” Shunsui has never sounded so furious and Juushiro struggles to explain around his tears.
“I never told him how I felt – he was so happy, how could I spoil that?”
“You’re too nice, Juu. Maybe I should talk to him.”
Juushiro’s stomach lurches and he thinks for a horrible second that he really is about to be sick. “Don’t you dare!” He gasps out. “Don’t say anything to him!”
“Why shouldn’t I? He seems to think he can do whatever he likes, because he knows you won’t say no.” Shunsui folds his arms. “Maybe a little midnight visit would be good for him. He might learn some manners.” He starts to walk away and Juushiro snatches at his sleeve to hold him back.
“Don’t go anywhere near him! I forbid you!” He’s shouting now, desperate and afraid and totally unaware of the people in the houses all around them. “If you say anything to him I’ll never– I’ll never speak to you again! Do you hear me Shunsui? Do you-!” And suddenly there’s pain, stabbing violently through his chest. For a second he thinks Shunsui has attacked him and then he realises, as he starts to cough violently, that he’s only attacking himself.
It’s never been a good idea for him to shout, and normally he’s in control enough to express his anger with words rather than volume – until today. He falls to his knees, trying desperately to suck air into his screaming lungs. Vaguely, somewhere on the edges of the pain, he thinks that it hasn’t been this bad in a long time. Shunsui is shouting – he can see that he is, but he can’t hear anything but his own rapid pulse.
Maybe this is it.
Maybe this is finally the end.
As the blackness rushes up to meet him he thinks of Byakuya and imagines that he’s holding him again. Just one last time…once more…
*
“I hope you’re pleased with yourself.”
“Please, Captain Kyoraku.”
“Don’t give me ‘please’. If you hadn’t forced yourself on him he wouldn’t be here right now. Has Captain Unohana given you any more updates while I’ve been gone?”
“No. She only said that he’s stable. No change.”
It takes a long time for Juushiro to place these phantom voices and an even longer time to react. He tries to speak, but all that comes out is a rasping groan. He tries to move but every muscle in his body hurts and even opening his eyes is a struggle.
“Juu? You with us?”
“Mm.”
“Take care of him,” Byakuya says – to Shunsui, he doesn’t even look down at Juushiro for a second.
“Hey, where do you think you’re going? Sit back down and keep him company while I find Captain Unohana.”
And now Byakuya looks at him, and he has never looked so guilty. “Do you… want me to stay?”
Juushiro nods.
Byakuya kneels beside him as Shunsui leaves the room but he doesn’t speak, doesn’t make eye contact. Up close – and this is surely the closest he’s been in such a long time – he’s as elegant and graceful as he ever was, but with the haunted look of a man who knows loss. His hair is longer than it used to be, but still just as smooth and straight.
He hasn’t changed, so much as…matured. He’s still handsome, for all that he’s no longer the callow young man he once was.
“Bya…” The name crackles away into nothing in Juushiro’s chest and he wheezes, his body trying feebly to curl up in pain.
“Don’t talk,” Byakuya chides, leaning over in concern. “You need to rest.” Juushiro looks at him petulantly, because he needs to talk, needs to ask why, and Byakuya shakes his head in denial. “Your lips had turned blue by the time Captain Unohana reached you. You weren’t breathing. Don’t talk.”
A convenient way to silence awkward questions – tell the cripple he’s too ill to ask them. “Why?” Juushiro croaks out, determined to have this conversation even if he is half dead and all of his muscles are aching. Byakuya looks at him, his expression anguished and guilty still, and turns his face away.
“I didn’t know I meant anything to you,” He says softly. “I never thought I was anything more than…” Defensive. Justifying himself. And suddenly Juushiro realises that Shunsui has betrayed him anyway, even after he almost killed himself to swear him to silence.
“Captain Kyoraku said nothing,” Byakuya says, seeing the despair on Juushiro’s face. “I ran away from you, but I didn’t run far. I heard you.” He looks down at his hands and clenches them into fists. “You never said anything to me.”
“You…were happy.” Every word is an effort, every word is agony but he has to say them.
“When I came to see you you seemed so completely unconcerned. And I heard that you had a new lover. I thought you’d lost interest in me.”
The agony in his chest is nothing compared to the agony Juushiro feels as he realises that by trying to protect Byakuya he has only managed to hurt both of them. By being selfless, he has ruined so many years. “Never,” He chokes out. “Never.”
“I spent so many years thinking that you were bored of me. That you kept me at arm’s length so I didn’t get the impression that you would ever want to be close to me again.” Byakuya’s voice is barely a whisper. “Did you really think that I could be so callous as to walk away from you without a backward glance?”
“And did you think-?” Juushiro’s angry rejoinder is lost in another fit of coughing. He rolls onto his side and clutches at the mattress because the pain is blinding. “Did you think,” He wheezes, spluttering and coughing again, desperate to reply, to correct Byakuya’s misconception.
“No, I didn’t think,” Byakuya hisses. “Because I was young and stupid and hurt. Now stop talking before you actually kill yourself!” Juushiro feels the soft touch of healing kido. It’s never been Byakuya’s strong suit, and it barely takes the edge off the pain but it’s warm and comforting and the hand that Byakuya rests on his chest is even more comfort still. He’s still just about breathing when Shunsui returns with Captain Unohana in tow. Byakuya sits back upright, his face impassive and blank.
“Couldn’t you manage five minutes without upsetting him again?” Shunsui is angry – and as far as he knows he has every right to be. Juushiro shakes his head to deny the accusation and wishes he could just speak, just set the situation right and explain. Explain that he’s an idiot and he should have known better, that he should have said something rather than assuming that he was too old and too uninteresting for someone so young and vital as Byakuya Kuchiki.
“Forgive me, Captain Kyoraku. Captain Ukitake insists on trying to speak when he’s supposed to be resting.” That calm armour of politeness, that damned etiquette that has kept them from seeing the truth for so long, makes Juushiro rage and clench his fists in the sheets and shake his head again.
“Captain Ukitake, I must insist that you calm down. You are in no condition to move or speak.” Captain Unohana speaks in tones that brook no disagreement but Juushiro is beyond being obedient.
“Byakuya,” He rasps, eyes clenched shut against the pain. He has to explain, has to understand, has to set right what went wrong all those years ago and maybe, just maybe he can have once more what he thought he’d lost forever.
“Captain, if you try to speak again I will sedate you. Captain Kuchiki may stay, but you are not to talk.”
He can settle for that. Nodding weakly he lets his body relax into the mattress, still curled up on his side because it’s barely, marginally more comfortable. Panting, he listens as Captain Unohana orders Byakuya not to engage him in conversation, listens as she orders Shunsui out and leaves herself, and waits.
“I’m sorry I hurt you so badly, Juushiro.” And Juushiro thinks that he can forgive anything in return for hearing Byakuya say his name again. “And I’m sorry for making it worse. I didn’t…mean to kiss you. But Komamura kept filling up my glass and I started to wish I could have one more taste of what I used to have. I…I went outside to see if you were okay and I just…”
Perhaps it’s the illness and exhaustion playing tricks with his mind, but it sounds as if Byakuya has mourned their lost relationship too. And it surely follows on that if he still regrets it, he might want to take it up again as much and as badly as Juushiro does. Completely ignoring Unohana’s orders he forces himself to sit up, clenching his teeth against the stabs of pain from his lungs.
“Juushiro, stop it! You’re going to hurt yourself! Juu- Oh!” With no finesse whatsoever Juushiro slumps against Byakuya and drapes his arms around the younger man’s neck, sighing in satisfaction. “Juushiro…” Strong arms settle around his waist and squeeze gently. “Do you…” Byakuya draws in a shaking breath. “Do you really still love me?”
“Always.” One-word answers are all he can manage, but for now they’re enough.
“Even after all this time?”
“Yes.”
Byakuya presses his face into Juushiro’s hair and takes a deep breath, and it's only now that Juushiro remembers that his hair has always been a source of fascination for Byakuya, remembers the way that the younger man used to tie it in knots and braid it and sometimes just run his fingers through it, and suddenly it is as if no time has passed at all and this reunion is only the one they should have had when Byakuya returned from the Rukongai so long ago.
“You should lie down. You need to rest.”
“No.”
“We can talk more when you’re well again.”
“Stay.”
“Did I say that I was leaving? Lie down now, you incorrigible old man, and let your body rest.” Byakuya sounds amused, and it’s been so long since Juushiro last heard him joke and tease that he can’t help but laugh – a laugh that soon becomes a cough, a cough that has him choking and spluttering in Byakuya’s arms. Predictably Captain Unohana returns at the noise and Juushiro doesn’t even resist as she sedates him. Sleep seems to guide him down gently this time and as his eyes flutter closed he thinks he sees Byakuya smile.
When he wakes up again Byakuya is curled up behind him, and he knows it’s Byakuya because no-one else has ever stroked his hipbone in that way, backwards and forwards in the same pattern over and over, gentle and repetitive and reassuring.
“Good evening,” He says, judging his greeting by the darkness outside the window. It’s easier to speak now, but his voice still sounds hoarse.
“Good evening. How do you feel?”
“Better.” Better for the gentle presence of his old lover against his back, better because he knows that Byakuya is also eager to renew their old relationship – if he wasn’t, he certainly wouldn’t have sneaked into bed with him while he was asleep, would he?
“I don’t think I ever realised how much I missed this,” Byakuya says, sighing. “Has it really been so long since the last time? It feels like yesterday. It feels like so little time has passed since the first time I went to bed with you.”
“When you got me drunk and seduced me?”
Byakuya makes a soft noise of amusement. “I was determined that you wouldn’t say no. I wanted you to be my first.”
So the mystery that Juushiro has always wondered about is answered at last. “I hope I was gentle enough,” He says.
“You were.” The gentle, stroking fingers still. “Can we really do this? Can we really…pick up where we left off?”
“We already have,” Juushiro points out.
Byakuya sighs and presses his body closer. “You’re still so handsome, Juushiro.”
And the memory of their very first morning together hits Juushiro so strongly that it brings tears to his eyes. “Surely not,” He says, wondering if Byakuya remembers too or if his comment is mere coincidence. “The only handsome person in this bed is you.”
Byakuya laughs softly. “Don’t be stupid,” He replies, his lips brushing the shell of Juushiro’s ear and making him shiver. “I’m still not tall enough.”