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The morning started off hectic. Nicky had been in Neil and Andrew's hotel room until almost two a.m. with pre-wedding nerves twisting his stomach inside out. Now they were up by seven and getting ready for his inevitable break down.
What if Erik changes his mind?
What if he realizes that he's absolutely perfect and can do better?
If he could see the way Erik looks at him, Neil thought. The two of them had suffered through years of separation and hardship. Nicky's graduation was also their reunion and Erik proposed the day they flew back to Germany.
A knock came on the door and a second later, Renee's gentle voice came through it.
"Allison and I are going for breakfast, would you like anything?"
Andrew opened the door instead of talking through it like he would have with anyone else. She typed their order into her phone and gave them a sweet smile before Andrew closed the door. He returned to the bathroom without sparing Neil a glance. They were both tired; after the endless flights to Germany and the time change and the moral support duty they'd been on last night left them with a few hours of sleep between the both of them. Neil raised his arms above his head, feeling the strain of his back muscles and exhaled contently. He was sleepy, but now he had breakfast to look forward to. He heard Andrew ask Renee to pick up Müsli for him because he knew that Neil favored the German cereal.
He smiled to himself as he buttoned his freshly pressed shirt, warm like French bread. He stripped his tie off the back of the horrendously patterned chair in the corner. The tie was the shade of pink that usually adorned 'its a girl' decorations. Andrew picked it out when they went shopping for the wedding at Macy's. He fumbled with the two ends like limp noodles before sighing and resigning his fate of never learning how to properly tie one. He walked to the bathroom, door open and he leaned his shoulder into the frame of it.
"Can I help you?" Andrew asked with his eyes still looking forward into the mirror. He was already dressed impeccably and rubbing a sticky white paste in his hands before tugging at the strands of his hair. Neil's mouth was curved into a relaxed smile as he watched him get ready to stand in front of everyone as Nicky's best man.
Neil thumbed at the material hanging loosely around his neck. "Need help with my tie."
Andrew pulled his fingers through one last part of his hair and flicked his gaze to Neil's in the mirror. Neil felt his pulse pick up instantly.
"How did you ever survive by yourself?" Andrew scoffed before pushing off of the counter and brushing past Neil in the doorway.
"Without you, you mean." Neil corrected, not really kidding at all. Not that he wore many ties on the run. There just wasn't a world for Neil without Andrew in it.
"Shut up and come here."
Neil's smile was a full fledged grin when he left inches of space between their bodies. Andrew looked down at the base of his throat stubbornly. Neil's smile melted into a overwhelming show of contentment as he watched him work. He took in the small details of Andrew's face that he rarely ever got to study without being chided for staring. Andrew's sweet aftershave clung to his handsome face and Neil breathed him in, coming even closer when Andrew jerked at his tie to adjust it. Something welled up inside of Neil's throat, familiar and safe to him, but perhaps not to Andrew. He could feel forever stretched out in front of them and he wasn't afraid. Andrew looped the longer part and began working it through the knot. Neil brought his hand up to Andrew's face slowly, tracing the side of his face with his fingertip.
"I love you," Neil said quietly. The words startled the silence into a ripple of reaction. Andrew finished the knot, using one hand to snatch it tight. He drug his stare up to Neil's. Neil watched him roll the words over in his mind.
"I know you're not going to say it back. I don't need you to. I know words aren't– they don't matter but I wanted to say it, just this once. Okay?"
Andrew's eyes flicked over his face in search of a lie even if Neil broke the habit years ago. Then he pulled at the base of the tie and made Neil's mouth land on his clumsily. Andrew kissed him hard, keeping them together with that one point of contact for endless, breathtaking moments.
It wasn't okay. Andrew wanted to say it back, or at least for Neil to know. He wanted to say of course I love you, you fucking idiot.
You let me believe in love.
Neil deserved to hear it everyday. The words paled in comparison to everything they had together but maybe a word was another key for Neil. Maybe it was just this once, but Andrew couldn't make himself admit it and Neil understood him better than anyone.
"I—"
Neil cupped his jaw. "I know."
Andrew wasn't going to say it, and Neil knew that too. He just, knew like no one else had bothered to. He knew everything and never used it against him. He knew Andrew inside and out and sometimes that made him feel sick, but mostly, it let him settle. The proverbial itch, ringing, buzz of his mind quieted. Exposed flesh burned bright with pleasure rather than pain. Every kiss sunk him deeper into the rabbit hole.
Neil moaned softly when he nibbled his bottom lip. Andrew pulled him closer, closer, closer. He'd never wanted anything more than this, and it wasn't going anywhere.