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“She’s gone. But you see it doesn’t matter how many times I say it, I can say it til I’m blue in the face. She’s still in here. My family, you know.” Clem ‘The Deep’
Jon sat with the man he considered his brother-in-law and just took another drink. Whenever they were together, the conversation somewhat inevitably swung to Erika. She was the person who had introduced them. She was the one who had demanded the two overcome their differences. She had been one of the most important women in both their lives. For Simon, she was his family, for Jon, she was his life. Five years hadn't changed any of that. But he knew what people were saying, and it was obvious even Simon was having trouble now. "Everyone keeps telling me not to give up, that missing isn't dead, but it's been five years. How likely is it, Jon, that my little sister is still out there?"
Jon took another swig, trying to think of an upbeat answer, but the simple fact was that there wasn't one. The likelihood of Erika showing up alive was almost in negative figures. If the peace with the Romulans showed up Columbia they may at least get a body to bury, get some closure on his situation. But Jon wasn't ready to give up on Erika."Remote, but I'm holding on hope."
"How do you hold on?" Simon asked after a few minutes of silence had passed between them. Another question Jon had to think about, because he was fairly certain that saying 'because I don't feel like I've lost her' would convince Simon. There were definitely other reasons he couldn't give up on Erika, why he couldn't stop searching for her, maybe he should just say the most obvious ones and hope that was enough.
"Because I'm stubborn, mostly." He started, but that reminded him of something else, of how he knew in some part of his mind that she wasn't going to come home. "Logically I know she's gone. I know that I've spent my last day with her and that I'll never get to hear her laugh or see her smile, but I can't quite believe it. She's still in my head and my heart and I can't let that go." He shrugged a little, then pushed his glass aside and drank straight from the bottle.
"Maybe you need too. Maybe we both need too. My family can mourn, you can move on." Simon muttered, and for some reason that struck Jon wrong. Not because Simon had said something bad or wrong, but just because Jon couldn't let Erika go. He could push her to the back of his mind, bury her the deepest he could, but he could never let her go.
"Even if I didn't believe she was coming back, somehow, I couldn't move on. I've been in love with her for 20 years, Simon. You know that. I could tell myself she was gone every day, until I ran out of breath, and I still wouldn't move on." He wondered what his life would have been like if he'd never met Erika, or if she'd never gone missing out at Orias. What would his life be like now if she was there. It was probably best for him to not think along those lines. It would only lead to more pain.
They lapsed into silence again, and Jon enjoyed it, just listening to his own breathing and trying not to think. It seemed Simon wasn't done thinking. Not yet at least. "You know you're welcome at our home whenever you need it."
"I know. I just can't." He shrugged, unable to explain himself any more than that. He found visiting the house Erika grew up in harder and more painful than almost anything else. He was even able to sit in her old apartment, their old apartment, when he visited Reed and not feel the pain he felt when he visited the home that was all Erika.
"You shouldn't shy away from happiness if it's offered to you, Jon. Erika would want you to be happy. I know she would." Simon tried to pull the bottle away from him, but Jon leant forward and pulled it back to him. He had drunk too much already, but for tonight he wasn't ready to give it up. Especially with Simon telling him to be happy. He would have thought out of everyone on the planet, Simon would be the one who understood why he couldn't.
"I knew Erika well enough to know that we might have wanted one another to be happy, but I wouldn't have been able to stomach the thought of her settling with someone else. The difference is, Erika was never the jealous type. She just wanted me happy, and without her that's the one thing I can't be." He frowned, just looking into the bottom of the bottle he was drinking from, imagining Erika's face there. Simon was right, the likelihood of Erika making it home now was basically non-existent, but he still needed to hold onto it. It was all he had left of her, and he didn't think he'd ever be ready to give it up.