Chapter Text
Severus Snape woke with a gasp, tightly grasping his wand as he frantically looked around to find the dark green walls of his quarters at Hogwarts. He took a shaky breath as tears streaked down his pale and gaunt face. Potter had ended the war just over a month ago, but nightmares had plagued Severus ever since his true loyalties had been discovered. He shuddered as he remembered the burn of the Dark Mark on that fateful night. He had known, as soon as he had apparated and laid eyes on the little muggleborn girl with shiny red hair and green eyes, that the Dark Lord was testing his loyalty.
"The little girl's name is Lily, Severus. Quite a coincidence, isn't it?" Voldemort whispered mockingly. The girl was bleeding heavily and her green eyes pleaded with Snape to save her. Snape was barely able to tear his gaze away from the girl who resembled his only childhood friend and true love.
"Yes, my lord. Quite a coincidence," Snape replied, raising his occlumency shields and fighting to keep his voice flat and void of the pain he felt. Nagini hissed and Voldemort raised an eyebrow.
"Nagini tells me she smells anxiety on you, Severus. Are you worried for the life of the mudblood girl? I suppose she does look quite similar to your dear love Lily," Voldemort simpered. "Perhaps you are no longer loyal to me?"
"I am forever loyal to you, my lord. The girl is of no concern to me," Snape said stiffly.
"I am glad to hear that, Severus. Now kill her," Voldemort commanded. Snape's mind was racing as he pointed his wand at the girl.
"Accio!" Snape shouted as he felt the tug on his navel as his emergency portkey activated.
Severus let out a sob. He had been unable to the save the girl. His spell had lacked sufficient strength to overpower the wards the Dark Lord had placed, and once again, he had failed to protect Lily. Severus cursed his uselessness as he thought of all the students who had died in the war because he was too weak to protect them. It should have been him. He didn't deserve to still be alive from Nagini's bite. In a trembling daze, he stumbled to the loo and emptied the pitiful amount of food that was in his stomach. He had not eaten properly ever since the incident, feeling unworthy of food.
"Failure, murderer, burden, useless," Severus mumbled to himself. He staggered back to his room and frantically started rummaging through his trunk, throwing everything else onto the floor. Relief filled him as his fumbling hands grasped the handle of a knife. He returned to the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror with disgust and loathing. Severus shoved up his sleeves, revealing thin, pale arms littered with scars from his biceps to his wrists. He gently traced the scars on his forearm with a bitter smile before slashing down on his skin, watching as the blade dug into his arm and instantly turned red. He kept cutting viciously, needing a release from his guilt. He needed the pain. This was his penance.
The meeting in the staff room was just about to start. Filius was chatting excitedly with Pomona and Remus about an article in the Daily Prophet, and Poppy and Minerva were discussing a certain missing potions master as they waited for Albus to appear.
"Poppy, has Severus been to see you lately?" Minerva asked worriedly.
"You know that the only way Severus would come to the hospital wing is if he was dragged there by magic," Poppy responded with a sigh. "I have been worried about him as well. He hasn't shown up for any meals since lunch yesterday."
"I noticed that. I asked the house elves if he'd ordered anything to eat, and they said that he hadn't. That means Severus has gone without three meals in a row, and he cannot afford to miss any meals! I'm worried about him, Poppy. He's already so thin," Minerva said with concern. Poppy laid a hand on her friend's shoulder.
"It isn't like Severus to miss a staff meeting. Maybe Albus has some information," Poppy said. The door opened to reveal the headmaster, and the professors stopped talking when they saw his worried expression.
"Albus, have you seen Severus lately?" Minerva asked. The headmaster shook his head.
"No I have not, and he hasn't responded to my floo calls or visits to his quarters all day. I am reluctant to invade his privacy and dismantle his wards, but I fear that he is most likely ill and attempting to avoid a trip to the hospital wing," Albus said ruefully. He turned to address the rest of the staff. "I am afraid that we will have to reschedule this meeting. I need to check on Severus. Minerva, Poppy, if you could please accompany me to Severus' quarters." The staff nodded, knowing how their former student had been struggling during the past few months. It was reassuring to see Albus and Minerva become parental figures for Severus after the war. He had been alone for too long.
Down in the dungeons, Severus was sitting at his desk working on lesson plans for the upcoming school year. He had cleaned up the bathroom and applied a glamour on himself earlier in the day. To the untrained eye, his scarred arms now appeared to be silky smooth, and his skin had lost its pale color.
Severus glanced at the clock and swore; he was late for the staff meeting. He quickly strengthened his glamour and headed towards the door, hoping he could fool Minerva and Poppy who always mollycoddled him. Severus opened his door, only to find Albus dismantling his wards and two women glaring at him with their wands out. He could barely suppress the urge to slam the door and escape through the floo, but he knew that his efforts would be futile. Either Minerva or Poppy would probably stun him before the door shut, and if they didn't, the headmaster would find him wherever he hid in the castle. He had no choice but to face the inquisition and convince them that he was perfectly fine.
"Minerva, Poppy, Headmaster," Severus nodded in greeting. "I apologize for my tardiness. I was just working on my lesson plans and did not realize what time it was. Shall we head to the staff room together?" He forced a smile, but it must have looked more like a grimace if the women's increased glares were anything to go by. He cleared his throat and shifted nervously, an action that did not go unnoticed by his three colleagues.
"You have skipped three meals in a row, young man! We are taking you straight to the hospital wing to give you a full check-up, right now," Minerva said sternly.
"I am not a child anymore. I am an adult, and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself," Severus said harshly as he tried to move away from the intimidating witches. Poppy grabbed his wrist and Minerva held his other arm, causing Severus to hiss in pain. They all froze at the sound. Severus was never one to let others know he was in pain, and his mentors unfortunately knew that. Poppy and Minerva released his arms and trained their wands on him.
"You are obviously in pain, Severus. Now walk. We are going to the hospital wing this instant, and you are going to cooperate with me!" Poppy said sternly.
"Poppy please, as you can see, I look perfectly fine. I was merely irritated by your harsh grip on my wrist," Severus spat. "You will not find anything in your scan, so it will be a waste of time for all of us. I currently have a lot of work to do, so thank you for your concern, but please leave me alone." Poppy narrowed her eyes at Severus. She could tell he was desperate to hide something. He was always stubborn about check-ups, but he was never this evasive unless something was wrong.
"Yes, Severus, I can see that you look fine. However, looks can be deceiving. I will be scanning you for glamour charms," Poppy said shrewdly. Minerva's eyes widened in realization and then narrowed as she began looking for traces of magic on him.
"No, this can't be happening. They can't find out! I have to get out of here," Severus thought desperately, his mind racing in panic. His glamours might not fall under Poppy's spell, but they would be detected, and Albus would be able to remove them. He started hyperventilating, frightened eyes scanning his surroundings for the easiest escape. The two witches were in front of him, and he sensed Albus moving behind him.
"Severus, calm down son. Let Poppy give you a check-up. We need to find out what's wrong so that we can help you heal," Albus said, laying a gentle hand on his back. Severus shook his head frantically.
"No, no, no! I won't go! You- you can't make me!" Severus stuttered. His heart was beating so quickly he thought he might pass out. His legs felt like mush and his vision turned fuzzy. Knowing that this was his last opportunity to escape, he sprinted around the two witches and darted for the closest door. "Stupefy!" was the last word he heard before there was only darkness.