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It has always been like this.
You can’t focus with your after-school sleeping routine again these days. Thanks to a pair of loud laugh, ‘wahahaha’, bursting into space, and loud groan, ‘annoying!’, grumpy mumbles.
You three are in the same class, and there are plenty other classmates who’s just as noisy as them, but. Their noisiness is. Different. It’s way more irritating. Somehow.
“Sena, join my unit!”
“How many times should I say no to make you sto—hey, what are you doing, dumbass?! Get off me!”
It has always been like this.
You sigh—yeah, that’s the only thing you can do, after all. Head that has met the table’s surface, you heavily lift it up again. Clicking a tongue, as your right hand runs through your black hair, messing the strands with harsh brush.
And, look—you, too, have always been like that. Getting irritated. Every time their voices reach your hearing. Sleepiness completely gone, replaced by anger, eyebrows can’t help themselves but to knit together in the middle of your forehead, along with your lips curving down.
It hurts. Why does it hurt?
Ah, why are you asking. It’s already obvious, isn’t it, already? The reason—no, one of the reasons why they’re annoying the most, is because their closeness reminds you of yourself. Yeah, yourself, and your Maa-kun. Yet your beloved Maa-kun is always busy with his unit, student council, and all. He’s got no time to be handling you, right?
That platinum-haired over there, doesn’t he remind you with Maa-kun? Despite all the grumbles and protests and harshness, he cares for other people. Worries over them, although it always gets accompanied with swears (he’s still cute anyway).
And yet…
Just like that Trickstar bunch did to Maa-kun, taking him away from you, that super noisy short guy took him away, too. Ahh, when you were sad because Maa-kun left you, he had been along with you, didn’t he. That Secchan. Your Secchan. And now, just few days ago, Secchan got taken away as well. Attention fully and forcefully dragged by that sunset-haired boy—who’s his name, again, you don’t know and you don’t care, how cruel—Secchan now rarely talks with you again. Never, even.
Doesn’t that fact make you feel sad? Everyone just got away from you—starting from your big brother you despise so much. Maa-kun came and comforted you. Maa-kun’s gone, Secchan came. Now that Secchan’s gone, who’s going to replace him? No one, and you don’t expect anyone to be. You don’t want anyone to be. Had experienced loss twice, you don’t want to experience the third. You just want him back already, don’t you? But, does Secchan even have the same feeling for you? Selfish. How selfish.
Hey, it’s even possible that Secchan loves that tiny boy, who always screams loudly. And who you are to interrupt them? You realize you’re no one to them, yet you still desperately want Secchan? Selfish; double selfishness.
You can just ruffle your head, straining back a whole anger for the day.
.
Secchan joined that shorty’s unit… somehow.
Did he get forced into?
But, the face Secchan had when performing with him told otherwise.
A happy face, a bright smile.
An expression which is very rare for him to see, or rather, he never showed in his personal life. Ah, he must be faking it, the same as modeling, only to make the audience happy, you thought.
But, as both of them stepped the backstage, Secchan still had that smile plastered on his face. They laughed together, as if their first performance was the best thing that had ever happened in their lives. Or maybe, their performance was indeed great, but because it’s them, you took it as horrible?
And what are you even doing here, peeking inside an unused class, which that duo had turned into their practice room. Stalking them? Aren’t you horrible. It’s a good opportunity to sleep, yet, here you are. Staring at them, absentmindedly, as they lean into each other’s shoulders, as the orange-head writes a song in empty music sheets with crayons, as Secchan opens up a notebook—with a pen on hand, the most accurate guess is, he’s doing a homework. As silence fills the air. As anger fills your heart. The same routine keeps for a couple of weeks.
.
“Rittsu~ You’re Sakuma Rittsu, right?”
What.
Why does that super noisy short guy, that sunset-haired boy, that tiny loud boy—the one who took Secchan away, the one who you hate the most, why does he approach you? For what reason?
Oh, no. Probably he noticed that you were stalking him and Secchan, right since they were preparing themselves for their performance, to the performance itself, to the backstage, and to their practice room? And you did it not just once. Oh, no. That’s bad.
“Yeah, so? Make it quick, I wanna sleep.”
Not in the mood to fake a smile to a… practically strangers, although you two are classmates, you never really spoke to him, huh. You just set up the usual sleepy figure, despite the fact that the other’s existence bothered you so much you don’t even feel like entering your dream world anymore.
“Join my unit—my Knights!”
Once again, what. Out of nowhere?
“Why?”
You asked—and that bright ponytail guy immediately slams a registration form for unit-joining on your table, as if that ‘why’ is a ‘yes’.
“No reason? Just want you to be there! My instinct told me that you’re qualified as a knight, and King’s instincts are never wrong!”
‘Knight’, huh.
It’d be totally a drag to be in the same unit as the person you hate. But, what if the person you love is also there?
“Sure.”
This time, you throw a faint smile—for a whole different reason.
.
Knights became pretty popular, ever since it started performing as trio—yeah, with you. Many fans piled up, requests of Lives here and there, forms of new members wanting to join keep coming almost every day. The third is what you three are currently discussing about, today, right now.
“Many of youngsters wanting to join, but I can’t really see their qualities as a knight, except for this one blondie!”
“Ah. I know her—Naru-kun, from the same modeling company as me.”
“See? See! Heheh, my choice is never wrong! Hm-hm, I’ll probably only take Naru in!”
“From dozens of forms, you only choose one? Seriously. Choose three, or at least two—look, I think this one’s pretty good-looking, too.”
…you’re being left out.
Is it because you’re sleeping? You’re just pretending to be sleeping.
But, no, either that you’re sleeping or (widely) awake, they still ignore you. They do indulge you in the conversation, but it won’t even last long. You just reply one or two sentence, then—
“Ehh, I don’t think so. Whaddaya think, Rittsu?”
You glance at the leader’s—Tsukinaga Leo’s direction. In the end you had to remember his name. He’s showing you a form, with a small picture of the person who wrote it attached on the top left corner. Asking for your opinion, huh. Isn’t Secchan’s opinion already enough for him? Since people said, sometimes what your loved one says is the truest.
Loved one? Secchan and Ousama, they love each other. That’s way too obvious already.
And, you. Isn’t your existence here just, a drag? You’re unneeded, just a small pest between those two.
“I don’t think he’s fitting our unit’s image.”
“You too, Kuma-kun? Urgh.”
“Even Rittsu thinks so! Then it’s just you, Sena. Alright, one yes and two no’s, who wins? No!”
“I actually don’t mind losing, but why do you make it sound so infuriating?!”
“Ehh~ You’re just so short-tempered, Mommy~”
“You—come here! I’m going to smack your head real good!”
Loud laugh, ‘wahahaha’, bursting into space, loud groans, ‘annoying!’, grumpy grumbles, as they run like cat and mouse around the practice room—you’re being left out again. Only able to pretend-sleeping, hiding your sadness. Both to them, and to yourself.
.
Narukami Arashi joined you three.
Unlike you, Nacchan is content with the way you guys are now. She’s genuinely happy with Ousama and Secchan being together most of the times, even supporting them to just get married already (too far ahead, yeah, but that just how Nacchan is). She’s mostly busy with track and field club, preparing for an upcoming tournament, and her focus for modeling activities is double than Secchan. Leaving you with the same condition as before, no difference at all.
In the end, being in the same unit… just that, isn’t enough.
It hurts, doesn’t it. You’re disgusted, aren’t you.
You don’t want to be left out anymore—no, that’s not it. You want Secchan to be yours fully. That’s it. Right?
You want it to change, don’t you? Change, everything.
No, not just ‘change’. Destroy. You want to crush it, crush them, crush him, into small, pathetic pieces.
Right. If you want to, then why don’t you just do it?
And that’s exactly what you’re going to do.
.
“…Ecchan.”
“Oh? If it’s not Ritsu-kun. Is there something you need? Since you don’t often come to tea club’s meetings, I suppose you have something in mind.”
“I do. Hey, fine’s going to have a Live match with us Knights soon, right?”
“Indeed. Ousama-kun seemed to be very angry the moment he challenged me few days ago. Something must’ve affected him, though I don’t know what it is. And the date of the Live is also still undecided yet… What about it, Ritsu-kun?”
This isn’t the right thing to do. This definitely isn’t.
Yet, your face doesn’t show any of guilt. Just flat. Expressionless.
And Eichi, the Emperor, curves up a smile.
“I’m handling the battle strategy. I’ll tell you all about it—so, give them a proper defeat for me.”
.
Eichi didn’t ask further about what, or why, did you ask him that favor.
Well, even without your request, fine definitely would challenge Knights face-to-face, using their utmost struggle and charm to defeat them. But, this is the Emperor we’re talking about. He doesn’t mind going into dirty ways, as long as victory is already guaranteed. The strategy about their songs, their formation, and how their members would go one by one onto the stage and not all of them at once—they’re all undoubtedly helpful. Both you and him, got equal benefits.
But, you said ‘proper’ defeat. And Eichi, knew exactly what you meant.
‘Proper’ in your way meant ‘crushing’. You don’t just want ‘him’ to be defeated, you want him to be crushed. Into small, pathetic pieces.
And Eichi, knew exactly what you meant.
He didn’t ask further about what, or why.
He did what he’s being asked for, nicely, perfectly.
Very splendidly, even you who requested it, couldn’t stand seeing your leader’s expression. Emerald eyes, always brimming with confidence, sparkling with enthusiasm, were being widened, tears at the bottom, slowly fell trailing his cheeks. Cheeks, always becoming chubby whenever he smiles, turned thin. Lips that always form grins, now widely opened, trembling. Small body that always stands up confidently, being shaken, unable to move. The tremor on his face, you couldn’t stand seeing it.
Though you didn’t say, ‘don’t tell about this to Ousama’, but he kept his mouth shut tight anyway. He actually could use it to his advantage, saying that you betrayed them, but he didn’t. Why, maybe that sly tyrant has something else in mind.
But you don’t care.
It’s not the time to be caring over that Ecchan. Your business with him is already done.
You have someone else to be cared about. Something else.
King crown and red coat are being left on the stage. As the Emperor raises up his sword proudly, as the audience welcome him with smiles and cheers—as the King breaks apart.
You and Secchan are in the backstage, done changing, now packing your stuffs before going home. Nacchan is still in the changing room, you don’t know and don’t care what the hell’s taking her so long.
Meanwhile Ousama… he already went home. Without even changing his outfit first, without even exchanging any words with his knights.
Secchan has been giving his cold back to you the whole time after their failure performance ended. He hasn’t responded over you calling his name, so you don’t even know how his face is right now. Sad, definitely, since he hasn’t spoken a word. Crying? Possible, but, highly doubted.
“Secchan…?”
He doesn’t respond.
Instead, zipping his bag and puts it hanging onto his right shoulder, harsh and real fast. Then, stepping outside.
You can only stare silently.
…it’s okay, Secchan.
It’ll all be okay.
Just as the same as when you took care of me when I was sad from loss back then, I’m going to take care of you, too.
A very good care, to the point that you’ll forget all about him.
(Nacchan’s out about one minute after that, and you two head home together. She smiles throughout the way, clearly a fake smile, as you notice her eyes are swollen red.
In the end, you’re the only one who feels happy from that loss. No sadness, not even the slightest. The pathetic looks of your comrades’ faces, they don’t give you sadness, they give you the feeling of victory.
Aren’t you just horrible.)
.
“I’m disbanding Knights.”
Your eyes widen—yeah, of course you’re surprised.
But, indeed you three haven’t been doing any activity since then. Rarely gather up, but when you do, all you guys do are just talking about nonsense, discussing about what you guys should do next (and it all end up with disagreements), with some strange, awkward atmosphere.
Maybe this is best.
Is this really the best…?
But, if Knights really disbands, then you and Secchan will just be plain classmates. You’re sure that he won’t approach you at all because of your broken bonds, right? He’ll just come to you if he needs something. And you don’t like that. You hate that—you don’t want that.
Meanwhile, even though Knights’ meetings are basically pointless, it can be an excuse to meet up together. Although all you talk about are either nonsensical stuffs or sad topics, after all, a talk is a talk. And whatever the thing is, you’re happy with only able to have conversations.
Then, you’ll just have to rebuild the broken bonds.
No—you have to replace it.
“Secchan. Are you really sure?”
Low-toned, sleepy-toned voice. To convince that you’re calm, but also voicing concern.
A huff. “Since… we’ve been doing nothing. There’s no point to our existence, at this moment.”
He’s sad. He actually doesn’t want to let go.
“Secchan, I know you actually don’t want to,”
A pause. “And it’s alright. You don’t have to.”
A piercing gaze full of hesitation is given. It’s the most painful thing you’ve seen yet.
“Knights without their King… are useless.”
“Hey, that’s not entirely true,” you get up from your futon, positioning yourself sitting on it properly, before forming a smile. You make it as comforting as possible.
“It may be so, we’re knights without a king to lead, but we aren’t useless. We were useless, since he’s gone, you see—because we haven’t done anything. Then, let’s be useful. Let’s prove that we can manage even without a king, that we’re amazing ones, to be able to rise after such defeat.”
Secchan looks down. His expression is hard to describe. “You’re awfully talk-active today.”
Well. Since you said we’re disbanding. I obviously won’t let that happen.
“Whaaat, does it make you feel irritated?” A soft chuckle and small teasing, to melt off the tense in the air. “We don’t have to do another Live immediately. Let’s just start with simple things, like, some jobs in the school? Or maybe we three can go to hang out together—not my thing, honestly, but it’s okay for this time. And maybe getting more new members in.”
He’s silent. But he’s listening. You stand up, approaching his hollow figure.
“Let’s get Ecchan a payback sometime later, okay? This is not the place to give up, yet.”
You finally reach his place. Secchan lifts up his face, and—
“I’m here for you, after all.”
You hug him.
Here it is. You’ve wanted to say a line like that to him for a long time, now, right? Now you have said it, with a hug, even. Good. This is good.
“…right.”
For Secchan, for that Sena Izumi to drop down his pride and agrees with you—
“We should stay as Knights…”
For Secchan, to hug you back like this—
“…so that Ousama would have a place to return, I believe he’d come back someday.”
No loud laugh, ‘wahahaha’, bursting into nowhere. No loud groans, ‘annoying’, painful mumbles.
At that time, he had no idea, that you were crumbling apart.