Chapter Text
TG: hey
TG: yo
TG: rose
TG: rosey
TG: rosa
TG: rosita
TG: rosalind
TG: ambrose
TG: goddamn why cant i think of any rose puns
TG: youre not like bro
TG: i can think of a million puns on bro
TG: or i just do a roxy from dirk to dick and hey look its still totally him
TG: i need to up my punning game
TG: pun game too strong
TG: or in this case nonexistent
TG: shit where the fuck are you this is never gonna stop if you dont get your ass back here young lady
TG: what would mom think
TG: who am i kidding shed probably laugh at me because i cant even think of one good pun for your damn name
TG: do you even like puns i dont know
TG: wait
TG: wait
TG: ive got this
TG: do you like puns rose
TG: or are they a
TT: I find them fairly enjoyable.
TG: well now youve just ruined it
TT: Did you require something, Dave?
TG: i required you to shut up for two more minutes and let me have my fun but looks like that isnt a thing that can happen
TT: Dave, I want to apologise and let you finish your absolutely riveting joke.
TT: But between John, Jane and Mother, I have heard literally every flora based pun or joke that mankind has ever created, and some I am certain were imparted to them by an alien species as of yet unknown to science.
TT: So yes, Dave.
TT: That *is* a rather thorny subject.
TG: fucking
TG: this might come as a shock rose
TG: but i did not in fact just text you so you could marvel at my hella awesome punning skills
TG: theres a dire emergency going down and i need a snarky yet loveable sidekick
TT: One can only hope this emergency is more real than your fictional skills.
TT: Oh wise and wonderful Dave, he who makes the bitches swoon when he walks in the room, how may your sassy Token Goth Girl be of use to you in your time of great need?
TG: im sorry could you return this token goth girl to the chef and tell him to hold the sass
TT: Right away, Mister Strider. Would you like some personality with your female sidekick, or do you wish her two-dimensional and full of ‘spunk’.
TG: okay well
TG: that sounds wicked nasty
TG: how about i just have a rose instead
TT: How fortunate for you! That happens to be today’s special.
TG: sweet
TG: wait
TG: how much is this going to cost me
TT: Reading one wizard-based erotica story penned by myself including characters with a shocking descriptive similarity, all entirely coincidental of course, to yourself and your brother.
TG: you drive a hard bargain lalonde
TG: i suppose ill accept only because him banging my fictional no doubt bearded before my time wizardsona is better than the alternative
TT: Which is?
TG: the sweet cry of the mating egbert at three in the morning moaning about how happy he is dirk senpai noticed his sweet little baratwink ass
TT: Oh my, Dave.
TT: We can’t have John sleeping consensually with his boyfriend of several years, now can we?
TT: However could we allow something as utterly scandalous as that?
TG: exactly
TG: we cant
TG: my precious ears cant take it rose
TG: i barely survived three days last time hes here two weeks now
TG: i thought me and him were gonna get to chill but nope
TG: we were sitting playing games when dirk swooped in through the fucking window like the shitty batman to johns shittier robin
TG: swept him off his feet with a bouquet of water squirting flowers that i might add were aimed to hit me in the face
TG: then carried the giggling asshole out the door with barely a bye best friend who i love dearly and clearly want to spend time with more than i want to be with your totally lame dork of a brother
TG: i mean he might not have actually said that
TG: but he was thinking it pretty hard rose
TG: he was thinking it
TT: Your recently discovered psychic abilities aside, dare I ask where you are now?
TT: A normal person would reply ‘the apartment, Rose, what sort of strange person would follow his best friend and brother on a date’, of course.
TT: And yet…
TG: im two tables behind them at the shitty restaurant they went to
TT: There she is, Miss America.
TT: Dave, did it ever occur to you not to follow them?
TT: To just sit at home, rent a movie? Perhaps take advantage of being alone, and find footage of buxom breasts or large cocks or both at once and get in some good old fashioned exercise for your admittedly already impressively toned wrist?
TT: Or was your first thought upon being left that your princess had in fact been taken to another tower, and it was your sworn duty to save him from the dastardly grip of romance?
TG: im sorry rose all i seem to be able to read is bluh bluh youre so great dave how thoughtful of you to protect your best friend from the dumb weeaboo you have the misfortune of being related to
TG: i know it was a noble act
TG: and not everyone can be as selfless and charming as me
TG: but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do
TT: Then why oh why can’t John do your brother?
TG: rose
TT: Ah, I forgot. Dirk is not in fact your mother, and thus does not fall under the universal law of making John’s hammer stand to attention everytime he sees his ass sway past.
TG: exactly
TG: see rose
TG: you get this
TG: you understand
TT: Yes, Dave.
TT: Yes, of course I do.
TG: tactful move bringing up moms though when you know i am sadly lacking one for john to drool over in a completely acceptable way
TG: given some unmentionable motherfuckers somehow ended up with two
TG: nice rose
TG: nice
TT: Trust me, Dave, if I could give you one of the demonspawn who insist on parenting me, I would.
TT: They are both as bad as each other.
TT: If you wish to discuss your fairly poorly hidden maternal issues, I will happily listen, of course.
TG: last time you happily listened you told me i had a secret desire for bro to dress me up like a smuppet and make sweet love to me
TT: I stand by my conclusions.
TG: and i stand by concluding this part of the conversation so i can tell you about how john and dirk are holding hands like sixth graders
TT: Ah yes, let us get back to the thrilling escapades that are your attempts to cockblock your brother without him noticing you in a fancy restaurant you no doubt look completely out of place in, unless shirts so outside the mainstream a hipster would struggle to cope with their majesty are now acceptable dress code.
TG: rose dirk wont notice me hes making googoo eyes at john the rest of the world has ceased to exist to him
TG: im floating in the void beyond those pretty blue eyes he likes to tell me about every two fucking minutes im talking to john
TG: im the invisible fucking man to those lovebirds and you know what i did not need to hear how much dirk is looking forward to getting hands on with johns dick holy shit
TT: How thoughtless of him to say such things, with his brother right there.
TT: Oh! But you are a phantom, as you explained. How dare he not be tactful to empty seats?
TG: hes in public rose
TG: who goes around in public graphically describing the act of blowing a dude like theyre fondly talking about their firstborn child
TT: Dirk does, Dave.
TT: And really, Dirk does the giving? Fascinating.
TG: are you suggesting you thought john was the one more likely to want to give rose are you really suggesting that
TT: Are you suggesting you knew for sure he wasn’t?
TT: That you have, perhaps, given it some thought?
TG: so hey look theyve got a shared platter now lets talk about that
TT: Certainly.
TT: We will leave these other discussions until later.
TG: later being when im dead
TG: you know that right
TT: Oh, Dave. You really think dying will be enough to get you out of this?
TG: why
TG: why are we friends
TT: Because I’m the only one who listens to you complaining about the mating habits of the wild Egbert, Strider.
TT: Now tell me all about this platter of theirs.
TG: theres some lady and the tramp shit going down rose
TG: if the lady was an asian dude with hammer arms and thunder thighs
TG: and the tramp was a shitty wannabe ninja with hair so sharp you could carve a pumpkin with it and shades so stupid only my two fucking idiot brothers would wear them
TT: Only two of your brothers wear them?
TG: yeah because me and big bro dont need you to believe in the us that believes in you
TG: we just wear actual decent shades that dont look fucking idiotic
TG: but dave i hear you cry how could dirk live without squirtle shades
TG: good question rose and the answer is really fucking easily theyre not an internal organ and oh my god john is finger feeding him tiny breaded chicken strips i cant watch this
TT: I imagine the sensual close of his lips around the phallic chicken and his lover’s fingers as their gazes smoulder at one another is quite a sight.
TG: rose
TT: It gives “food porn” a whole new meaning.
TG: rose no
TG: dirk is returning the favour
TG: this is horrific
TG: if i dont do something soon theyll be sweet blushing maidens no longer rose
TG: but what can i do
TG: what can i do
TT: Hm.
TG: hm she says
TG: hm
TG: do you have an idea rose
TG: do you
TG: want to share with the class rose
TG: the class is ready and listening
TT: Hmmm.
TT: I think it will cost you dearly, Strider.
TG: worse than wizard porn of myself
TG: christ
TG: aight hit me with your best shot
TT: One of your brother’s videos.
TG: well
TT: The two hour long premium special edition directors cut of “Puppets Gone Wild”, in fact.
TG: wait
TT: Complete with commentary, nothing skipped, watched full screen.
TG: rose are you texting bro right now is that what youre fucking doing
TT: He’s rather excited at the chance for brotherly bonding.
TG: you want me to sit and watch two hours of puppets being rubbed together by my brothers hands with a soundtrack of squeaks and heavy breathing while he probably sits there like a pervert just out of shot getting off on the sexy sight of triple x felt on felt action
TT: And with Bro himself giving you a commentary on only the best in cutting edge puppet fetishist technology and the cinematic struggles involved in staging such an intimate yet risque motion picture, yes.
TG: do you promise me you will give me something gold
TT: I promise you that their date will suddenly be in the least romantic surroundings it can be.
TG: i am conflicted
TG: but my need for less dirkjohn makeouts overcomes my need for sanity
TG: hit me
TT: Quietly inform a waiter that you are Dirk’s brother and that it is his birthday today, and say you would like them to give him “the full birthday treatment”. Pay an extra charge if required. Sit back. Watch as the fun begins.
TG: that
TG: is
TG: genius holy shit this is why i love you rose
TT: I know, Dave.
TT: Bro says he’s looking forward to your movie night.
TG: this will be worth it
TG: lemme get a waiter over here without the nauseating lovebirds noticing
TT: All the best in your quest, oh noble knight.
TG: ty oh sarcastic witch
TT: Please, Dave, I am clearly a wizard.
TG: be quiet and let me focus
TT: He said to the text.
TT: The loud, screaming text.
TT: The letters that wailed with the voice of a thousand lost souls as he looked upon them, and they looked back into the depths of his dark soul.
TG: or maybe he was talking about his hella rad notification tone
TG: maybe thats what happened
TT: Your notification tone is, as it has been for several years, the “absolutely ironically used” Hit Me Baby One More Time and that is no one’s fault but your own.
TT: You could have changed it back at any point in the time since Bro altered it, you know.
TT: And yet the siren song of Britney refuses to let you go.
TG: what can i say
TG: britney and me have something special
TG: she wants me to hit her one more time everytime rose
TG: how could i refuse
TT: How could you indeed.
TG: okay mission happy birthday you motherfucking asshole is underway
TT: “Mission Happy Birthday You Motherfucking Asshole”
TT: Can’t we go for something a little more catchy?
TG: mission shut the fuck up rose do you want this on a tshirt or something
TT: My needles are poised to knit us a two-headed team sweater as we speak, but I’m afraid I don’t think that will fit.
TT: How about “Mission Grow Up, Dave”?
TG: mission go suck a dick
TT: I though that was what we were trying to prevent?
TG: okay okay
TG: theyre being approached
TG: we have a full band rose
TG: a full band
TG: john looks so confused this is beautiful
TG: and dirk looks
TG: wait
TG: oh my fucking god
TG: rose he cant do this this isnt allowed
TT: Why whatever is he doing, Dave?
TG: hes acting like its actually his fucking birthday and faking being all happy and emotional i cant believe this
TG: johns doing it too now oh my god
TG: theyre holding hands and fluttering lashes and this failed rose this was the titanic and dirk was the shitty douche of an iceberg in the way
TG: im abandoning ship before i go down with it because any minute now theyre gonna get told it was me and my cover is blown so i am so gone
TG: fuck this
TG: the band can play as they go down in a sea of shitty bro and real bro embraces but im saying ladies and children out of the way theres a fine ass hustledaddy who needs to get his lifeboat on first
TG: you tried and you failed rose looks like its mission go suck a dick afterall because like fuck has the birthday boy stopped making birthday eyes through glass as dark as my shrivelled hopes
TG: next time ill get them rose
TG: i almost got them this time i almost did
TT: And you would have gotten away with it too if not for that pesky Dirk and his troublesome brain.
- : -
TT: John can’t stop laughing.
TT: You know this was the first date we’ve ever had we actually acted romantic on, Rose, usually he’s an utter dick and I’m as rad as I invariably always am.
TT: But it was worth it.
TT: Has Dave stopped complaining yet?
TT: No, and I’m fairly certain he’s texting at the wheel, Bro is very disappointed with him.
TT: Apparently there will be a stern strifing when he gets home.
TT: I’m sure it will be the grand finale to an excellent and thoroughly successful evening for him.
TT: I’d assume we’re not going to mention to him that we’ve spoken because I’m looking forward to watching him struggle not to say anything because he “wasn’t here”.
TT: Do let me know if he says anything of note. I always like mentioning such things in passing without revealing my sources.
TT: You know I will.
TT: So tell me, Dirk-Senpai, do you have plans to wake him at 3am with your beautiful lovemaking this fine Texan night?
TT: Hell no, Bro won’t let us fuck in the house, never has done.
TT: Bouncing on the bed and moaning through the wall, though?
TT: Like me and John would ever let him get away with this shit without getting a little good old-fashioned revenge.