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Everything hurt. There was barely a patch on him that wasn’t some shade of black or blue. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to stand, it hurt to sit, it hurt to lie down and it hurt to talk (not that he was prone to talking… not that anyone was there to listen).
Then there was the other kind of hurt, the hurt he felt not being near Robert, the hurt of knowing he’d let Liv down, the hurt of making his mother sick with worry and the hurt of realising that life went on without him.
He feared they’d realise that their lives were easier without him. He feared that once they realised it, he would be forgotten. This combined with the daily ritual of humiliation and mind-fucking provided by Jason left him feeling more broken on the inside than he ever could be on the outside.
The drugs numbed the physical pain but he’d be lying if he said that was the only reason he took them. The moments of suspended reality he found himself in after a hit were welcome pain relief for his weary soul.
It sanded back all the rough edges in his brain and formed smooth planes that he could drift over without ever getting snagged on an unwanted memory. It was a freedom from anxiety that he’d never really known before.
There was a part of him that acknowledged it was not ideal, a part that sensed oncoming addiction and warned against it, but with his whole body screaming in discomfort and his mind permanently in mourning, that part of his brain was fairly easy to ignore.
Like many of the shitty decisions he’d made in his life it didn’t feel like a choice so much as the only option left to him. So he took the drugs.
Ethan was already asleep in the bunk below, not even his chainsaw snoring could cut through Aaron’s buzz. Late at night was Aaron’s favourite time of day in the lockup. Mostly because, with the door locked and his cellmate unconscious, it was the only time he felt safe. The only time he wasn’t looking over his shoulder wondering where the next beating was going to come from or what new humiliation was in store for him next. At night his only tormentor was himself… and the drugs made him a much kinder critic than he was sober.
By the time Aaron realised there was something different about the trip he was on he was too far gone to care. He couldn’t even bring himself to lament the fact he might be dying or conjure up the energy to plead for help. He lowered his body gingerly onto the mattress and curled onto his side deciding that if it really was the end for him he wasn’t that bothered by it.
….
“Wake up sleepy head.”
Aaron stirred sightly and groaned. He was so nice and warm and feeling more comfortable than he ever had in his life. All he wanted was to be left alone to sleep.
“You can’t sleep all day.”
“A chance would be a fine thing,” he grumbled but it came out as a series of disjointed grunts and vowel sounds.
“You’d rather sleep than spend the morning in bed with your husband?”
“Robert,” Aaron groaned before remembering where he was, “Robert?”
He knew it was Robert’s voice he’d heard, he was so certain he would’ve bet his life on it but he was afraid to open his eyes. Afraid that when he did Robert wouldn’t be there… couldn’t be there.
“It’s me,” Robert’s voice reassured him and he felt a warm palm against his cheek and long, slender fingers brush against the hairline at his temple.
Aaron slowly blinked open his eyes allowing them to adjust to the sudden burst of light and colour. Glancing around Aaron realised he was still in his cell only everything was slightly off. The room was lighter, it was warmer and Robert was there. His husband, his Robert was lying next to him on his bunk.
“What are you doing here?” he asked confused.
“Can’t a man just want to wake up next to his husband?”
“But how?” Aaron asked even as his mind told him it didn’t really care what the answer was.
“Do you think he knows he sounds like a buzz saw?” Robert asked ignoring Aaron’s question and referencing instead a particularly loud snort and wheeze that issued from the bottom bunk.
“Don’t think he cares,” Aaron replied finding the sudden change in conversation jarring.
“Well he would if he was the one who had to sleep right above it,” Robert said in a particularly haughty voice that made Aaron smile.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Aaron said snuggling into Robert’s side, “I can’t sleep without you.”
“Are you sure it’s not because your roommate sounds like he’s trying jump start a lawn mower?”
“It’s you,” Aaron reassured him, pulling away from Robert’s shoulder so they were eye to eye.
Robert caught sight of the fading bruise above Aaron’s right eye and he ran a finger gingery over the yellowing skin. “You said you’d tell me,” he whispered gently expanding his search to look for bruises elsewhere.
“It’s nothing,” Aaron attempted to reassure him, capturing Robert’s hand in his own and bringing an end to the gentle probing.
“How can you say that?” Robert asked worry etching lines on his face.
“Because it doesn’t matter,” Aaron said and when Robert looked unconvinced he continued, “You’re here now.”
“I can’t protect you,” Robert said quietly giving voice to his greatest fear.
“I don’t need you to protect me,” Aaron reassured him, “I just need you to give me a reason to survive this.”
“Always,” Robert said leaning forward to brush their lips together. The kiss was soft and lingering as opposed to deep and passionate. The kind he knew Aaron longed for when he was in need of comfort and reassurance.
Aaron sighed softly as their lips parted and he rested their foreheads together.
“God I’ve missed that,” he admitted softly.
“It’s not forever.”
“I can’t imagine getting out of here,” Aaron said so quietly Robert had to strain to hear him.
“You will,” Robert replied immediately and with such confidence Aaron didn’t have the heart to disagree.
“Will you stay with me?” Aaron asked not caring that he sounded like a desperate child.
“For as long as I can,” Robert said wrapping his arms tighter around his husband. “Promise me you’ll do the same.”
“Where would I go?” Aaron asked.
“Down the rabbit hole,” Robert replied quietly.
Aaron felt his cheeks burn with that familiar sense of shame and he felt the need to defend himself.
“It’s the only thing that helps.”
“I’m worried that if you keep taking them you’ll end up somewhere I can’t follow,” Robert said sadly.
Aaron couldn’t avoid hearing the fear in Robert’s voice and he wished he could say the words that would reassure him but it would be a lie and he was just too damn tired to lie. Instead he said, “I’ll try. I can’t promise more than that.”
The look on Robert’s face said that he’d hoped for more, “You’re still the strongest person I know.”
“I could introduce you to a few blokes in here that might disagree,” Aaron mumbled sleepily his eyes threatening to close.
“Yeah well you know I’m always right,” Robert said summoning all the arrogance he could muster to deliver the line.
“I know you like to think that,” Aaron replied between yawns.
“Oi,” Robert said in mock offense reaching a hand across to pinch that spot just below Aaron’s ribs that made him squeal like a ten year old girl.
“Don’t Rob,” Aaron whined while attempting to squirm out of reach, “I’m tired.”
“I know you are,” Robert said, “But you have to stay awake.”
Aaron wanted to ask why but it was getting so hard to organise his thoughts into words.
“Aaron, wake up!” Robert commanded forcefully, “Wake Up!!! Come on Aaron Wake up!!!”
…
“Come on Aaron, mate, wake up!!!”
Aaron woke to find Ethan leaning over him, shaking him roughly round the shoulders and yelling into his face.