Chapter Text
The hot spray of the shower burned over Scott’s aching limbs as he dipped his head beneath the liquid heat. It was bad enough that his body was sore in places he was quite convinced would never allow him to forget how wonderful things with Logan had been, but what was worse was the pain that carried over his heart and mind in knowing what he’d done. Selfishly he’d ceased listening to reason right around the time the Steve had spotted Logan over by the bar watching him, stalking him as if his fury alone would create a war between the X-Men and the Avengers. The thought in itself had caused Scott to react—to work with Steve in order to teach Logan a lesson about jealousy and crazy behavior, but all it had done was deliver to Scott the same wild man he’d fallen for all those years ago. When Logan had stepped onto the patio outside of the hotel room door ready to tear it to pieces, Scott had felt a smug sense of satisfaction in knowing he’d gotten under Logan’s skin. Although he was certain he wouldn’t have ever admitted to it, there was something about opening the door to discover Logan so wild and primitive and out of control before him that had Scott more hot and bothered than he’d cared to admit to. Hell, he’d planned out the perfect lecture he’d issue Logan down to every last detail, but it was lost on him the moment his body took control and he’d pulled Logan into that long overdue kiss between them.
Turning in the shower Scott tried to soothe his guilt as he thought about how everything had spiraled out of control. Everything he’d thought he would say to Logan was replaced by lust and need—by those nagging impulses inside of him to put Logan in his place. However, what he hadn’t been prepared for was the way that Logan had held him—for the way that Logan had been so insistent upon making love to Scott and making him feel like that stupid, sappy, love-struck, hero worshiping teenager all over again. Everything about those moments leading up to their making love had taken Scott back in time leaving him in that place where he’d tortured himself endlessly time and time again in Logan’s absence. It was bad enough that Scott had chosen the place of Logan’s departure for his return to what they’d once lost, but after Logan had been so kind, so gentle and loving, Scott found himself caught up in the inner turmoil he’d vowed wouldn’t return to him once he found Jean in his life. Granted he’d loved her—more than anything she was his world, but through the years even she’d known about his past—about his time with the man he’d wanted to love, but lost and she’d understood. She’d empathized with his pain knowing only too well all of Scott’s secrets as they’d bonded with one another. She’d never judged him for it—never thought any less of him, but rather encouraged him to believe that fate had a plan—that everything happened for a reason and perhaps in his misery it had led them to one another and a different kind of happiness.
“And look where it took me Jean,” Scott sighed stretching one arm out against the shower wall as he thought of his late wife—remembering her surprise and curiosity when Charles had sent Scott and Storm in search of Marie and Logan. It had been a cruel twist of fate that Scott hadn’t been sure how to take, but when Logan had come to them with amnesia and no memory of Scott, Scott had learned to accept that time had changed things. He’d even discussed with Jean how much easier it was in knowing why Logan had left given all they’d learned about his past with Stryker, but more than that it had offered Scott a chance at real love and happiness with Jean, which he’d learned was something he couldn’t experience with Logan.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” Charles had advised him when Scott had initially expressed his uneasiness in Logan’s arrival.
What made it worse as time progressed wasn’t so much that Logan was somehow interested in Jean, but rather that he’d forgotten Scott entirely. Even though it was in fact for ‘the best’ there was still a part of Scott that was disappointed—depressed even that Logan had never thought to look twice at him again once he’d found himself in a new life away from the memories of the past. Hell, the more Scott thought about it, the harder things were becoming for him. With Logan around he’d obsessed about it—to the point that even Jean was encouraging him to deal with the situation—to talk with Logan head on about the past, but Scott had stubbornly refused. After that Logan had left for a while and Scott had assumed things would get easier, but they hadn’t. Jean’s nightmares had served as a distraction, but it was Scott’s heart that was breaking all over again when Logan was gone.
“Maybe you should go after him,” Jean had coaxed him on after they’d discussed his still lingering feelings.
“And say what Jean? What good will it do now?” Scott had questioned reminding her that his history with Logan didn’t have any bearing on what they had with one another. He loved Jean. She was his heart, his soul and his one true destiny until that moment when she’d left him. Just like Logan she’d made the choice to leave—to abandon him instead of staying with him and now…
“What have you done?” Scott moaned lowering his head further when the shame of his actions carried over him. With eyes kept closed tightly, he felt the raw heat of the water reddening his skin, condemning him for taking advantage of Logan in a moment of weakness—in allowing his foolish pride to take a backseat to lust and desire long enough to explore every fantasy he’d carried about the one man who hated him more than anything. Granted they’d been reluctant partners and teammates, but Logan had never had any interest in Scott—never wanted to rekindle anything other than their disagreements until that moment when Logan had wound up on the kitchen floor of that compound drugged up with the serum Steve had warned Scott would produce ‘strange’ behaviors in Logan. Scott hadn’t realized just how ‘strange’ they’d be until Logan was finally over him, buried deep inside of him and promising not to hurt him.
“Yet I hurt him,” Scott reminded himself shamefully. Hell, he was no better than a rapist at this point given that he knew Logan was under some kind of influence. He was well aware that Logan was in need of help, but instead he’d offered himself to Logan—feeding fuel to this involuntary addiction Logan had for his own selfish, awful purposes until finally guilt had consumed him. Now standing underneath the shower spray hating himself completely Scott realized that he would have to be held accountable for his actions. He would have to repent somehow.
“Hey,” Logan’s voice startled him when Scott felt the warmth of Logan’s body behind him in the tiny shower stall. It was enough to cause Scott to stand upright and gasp when Logan’s arms wrapped around his torso, “I thought I heard you get up.”
“I felt dirty,” Scott admitted knowing only too well how true those words were for him.
“I like you dirty,” Logan pressed a kiss over the back of his neck, “very dirty in fact.”
“Logan,” Scott tensed up against his embrace, “I really just want to get clean…”
“So let me help,” Logan suggested as Scott heard the sound of shuffling behind him. He felt the warmth of Logan disappear before Logan returned to curl his fingers around Scott’s hip. Nudging him ever so slightly, Logan spoke up in a soft, concerned tone, “turn around.”
“I’d really rather not,” Scott argued preparing to toss out some bold words to make Logan leave, but instead he felt the grip of Logan’s fingers over him intensifying with the press of Logan’s hand coaxing him to surrender to Logan’s request and before he knew it, he was turned completely around with Logan’s hand on his cheek touching him tenderly.
“Why is it that you always feel compelled to argue with me Slim?” Logan’s voice rang heavy with disapproval, but nowhere near the disapproval Scott felt in his heart in knowing just how he’d failed Logan not just as a leader, but as a friend—if they could even call themselves that. Lowering his head somberly, Scott prepared to find the words to apologize, but nothing came out.
“Hey,” Logan coaxed him to tip his chin up again as Scott pinched his eyelids together tighter than before, “Slim?”
“You shouldn’t be in here,” Scott spoke up in a shaky voice, “We really shouldn’t be…”
“I want to,” Logan admitted as Scott heard the sound of something being squeezed from a bottle. Before he could question it, he felt Logan’s hand at his hip again coaxing Scott in closer to him.
“You’re too tense,” Logan explained rubbing his thick, oversized fingers over Scott’s chest. The movement should’ve been rough and firm, but as with most things Logan did where Scott was concerned, it was soft and gentle almost like tiny butterfly wings over Scott’s skin causing his body to react to such an attentive touch.
“Logan,” Scott breathed his name feeling Logan work a lather up over his chest and abdomen until finally he was turned away from Logan once again. Logan’s fingers were somehow kneading into his shoulders working away every ounce of tension much like he did back in the medical bay only this time Scott was finding it hard to remember why to resist. He arched his head back and sighed allowing the soapy lather to slide down over his spine following the path of Logan’s fingers when Logan’s palms were suddenly gripping at his bottom washing him and cleaning his muscles until he coaxed Scott to lean forward.
“Let’s rinse you off,” Logan explained kneeling down beside Scott and massaging his fingers over Scott’s thighs, just behind his knees and around into his calves in slow, repetitive motions until his thick hands were holding Scott’s hips lathering him up with such detail and tenderness that Scott felt a sob building in the back of his throat. By the time Logan’s fingers worked their way up to his sensitive sacks, holding and caressing him, carefully bathing his body, Scott found that he was in tears unable to hide from the feelings that carried over him.
“Logan don’t,” Scott reached down to prevent Logan from stimulating him with his touch.
“But I thought that…” Logan frowned refusing to release Scott in spite of his protests.
“Please…” Scott whimpered as Logan did as instructed releasing him in order to wrap his arms securely around Scott’s waist. Wordlessly he pulled Scott in against his chest as his lips pressed over Scott’s shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” Logan questioned.
“Nothing…it’s just…”
“Did I hurt you before?” Logan asked in a panic as Scott thought back to their time together on the floor, rough and wild until the both of them had collapsed on the carpet with Scott having rug burns on his knees and other places that he’d have trouble explaining to those around him should they ever see what he’d allowed to happen.
“No,” Scott answered quietly.
“Are you sure?” Logan hesitated before speaking up again, “I wasn’t too rough, was I? I know I should’ve asked earlier, but…”
“No,” Scott snapped in recoil, “you weren’t too rough. Everything was just…”
“Just what?”
“Just right,” Scott let out an exasperated sigh, “which is why it’s all wrong.”
“I don’t understand,” Logan’s voice was wounded, offering up a sound that Scott had hoped like hell he’d never hear. Yes, in the past he might’ve wanted to feel that sting of Logan’s confusion, but now that he’d made peace with himself—that he’d come to care even deeper for Logan and understand his absence, it only served as a knife to cut Scott to the core.
“I shouldn’t have let this happen,” Scott gulped down as he fought to keep his tears from consuming him, “We never should have…”
“Yes,” Logan reached out to hold Scott, to force Scott to face him as he cupped his face in his hands, “We should have. We both have wanted this for longer than either one of us have cared to admit and…”
“It was a mistake,” Scott blurted out painfully, “one that I shouldn’t have allowed to happen, Logan. I shouldn’t have done this to you.”
“Done this to me?” Logan repeated as Scott pulled away from him as if he’d been burned by Logan’s touch, “Slim, I don’t understand. Last night and this morning was magical. Everything about us together was…”
“…a direct result of the serum Logan,” Scott blurted out not having to see Logan to understand the stunned silence between them.
“You mean you…you know?” Logan questioned as Scott bit down on his plump lower lip and nodded.
“Of course I know,” Scott divulged feeling his face grow hot with humiliation and guilt, “Steve told me all about their findings and although I haven’t spoken with Hank it didn’t take much for me to realize what was happening here. Everything you’re feeling is a direct result of that serum and…”
“No,” Logan stepped forward reaching for Scott again, “it’s not.”
“Yes,” Scott pushed him away before he reached out for the shower door, “it is and after a few days away from me you’ll see that.”
“No I won’t,” Logan’s voice followed Scott out of the shower when Scott reached for his glasses on the counter. Quickly putting them on in an attempt to shield his tears from Logan, Scott adjusted them in place before collecting a towel for himself.
“Yes you will because this,” Scott motioned between them, “This isn’t what you want. It isn’t real. It’s just someone manipulating your emotions and making you believe that there’s something there between us and…”
“It’s real Scott,” Logan argued with him in an impassioned tone, “What we have together is something I’ve been waiting to find and now that I have it…”
“It’s all based on lies all because a scientist created that serum to make you more pliable and vulnerable to manipulation,” Scott answered giving Logan a long once over before turning his back to him, “and once you realize that you’ll see that this was a mistake.”
“Being with you was never a mistake. I told you last night that once I made love to you, I wouldn’t take it back,” Logan stepped forward reaching out to squeeze Scott’s shoulder.
“You should because it was a mistake,” Scott answered stiffly, “All of it was nothing more than a manipulation that I initiated and thrust upon you all because of what I needed—because of what I wanted and…”
“Scott, I love you,” Logan blurted out surprising the both of them with his words, “Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“That fact that you believe that only proves just how horrible I truly am Logan and once you realize that truth, you’ll undoubtedly hate me forever—far more than you already do,” Scott choked up on his words, not bothering to face Logan as his own guilt carried over him. Silently he stepped forward moving out into the hotel room to collect his things as he found himself gasping for air. He felt his chest tighten, his mind caught up in the beginnings of a panic attack over how horrible he’d treated Logan. He’d sunk lower than low and in manipulating Logan into his bed he deserved nothing less than the harshest punishment imaginable. Even that felt too good for him in that moment as he quickly got dressed.
“Scott, we can’t just leave things like this,” Logan’s voice called out to him as Scott pulled his shirt over his head, “I realize that you’re confused, but I’m not. I know what I want and…”
“It isn’t a life with me,” Scott finally found the strength to face Logan again. He could see the pain that radiated in Logan’s features, the confusion that he hadn’t wanted to be the cause of, but most of all he could see just how much he’d wronged the man before him who’d once saved his life and given him a second chance at happiness, “I never should’ve done this to you. I’m not better than the scum that we put away the other day.”
“Scott…” Logan stepped forward as Scott seized his keys from the table top.
“I won’t blame you if you hate me,” Scott offered up poignantly as he made his way over towards the door, “because there’s always a part of me that will hate myself for crossing this line in taking advantage of you.”
“I don’t feel that way Scott,” Logan began desperately.
“Not now, but you will,” Scott reached for the door. He opened it and gave Logan one last look, “Don’t follow me Logan.”
“Scott…”
“Goodbye Logan,” Scott finished somberly before he walked out of the hotel and vowed to put to rest the foolish teenage dreams he’d carried with him over a life with a man who could never truly be able to love him.
“Where is he Hank?” Logan snarled making his way down to the medical bay to discover his friend working on the computer.
“What?” Hank questioned looking up at Logan from behind his glasses, “Who?”
“Scott, where is he?” Logan looked around the lab at the various screens up before Hank.
“Last I heard he was with you,” Hank frowned taking a long look at Logan, “but obviously he’s not now, is he?”
“No, he’s not,” Logan argued with him, “but I need to find him. The two of us had a misunderstanding with one another and…”
“What happened?” Hank gulped down worriedly, “Dear God Logan. Don’t tell me that you allowed something to happen between the two of you. Did you and he…?”
“I need to talk to Scott,” Logan answered stiffly as he stood before one of the screens seeing a picture of himself upon it, “I’ve been all around the school and…”
“Have you spoken with Charles?” Hank questioned as Logan noticed the writing underneath his name.
“What is this?” Logan asked pointing to the screen before him.
“It’s my information on you,” Hank replied readily, “It’s all that we’ve gathered on your medical history from the time you and Charles first met until…”
“What’s this?” Logan pointed to a date on the screen before him.
“It’s…” Hank’s eyes moved past Logan to discover what Logan was pointing at, “Logan, you should probably discuss this with Charles.”
“I don’t need to discuss this with Charles,” Logan motioned to Hank’s computer screen, “Pull up that link.”
“Logan I…” Hank frowned back at him.
“I know you know how to do it,” Logan’s claws came out as he glared at his friend, “unless of course you’d rather I try to figure it out.”
“Fine,” Hank reluctantly sat down on his chair. He clicked a few buttons, allowing the images on the screen to shift and change as Logan saw pictures of himself dressed in clothing from a different era, yet he looked so very much the same in so many ways, “Some of these were from Stryker’s files on you. Granted we were still piecing this together for some time in order to help you reclaim some of what you lost, but…”
“Where did you get all of this?” Logan’s eyes skimmed the page before him, reading details about himself in vivid color on Hank’s computer screen.
“As I said some of it we had, but this particular set of information was provided to us by S.H.I.E.L.D. or rather by Captain America since apparently you’ve been a subject of interest to S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers for quite some time,” Hank informed him as Logan pushed Hank out of the way. His eyes cast over the images on the screen before him realizing that someone had been watching him, putting him under surveillance long before he had memories of the life he was presently in.
“What is all of this?”
“You worked in an undercover government position for a while so to speak,” Hank explained drawing in an uneasy breath, “Stryker had you involved in a program that…Logan, I really think you should talk to Charles.”
“I’m talking to you,” Logan roared turning around to face Hank once again, “What is all of this?”
“You were an assassin of sorts,” Hank finally admitted with a pained expression on his face, “The government forced you do things—subjected you to missions that…”
“That what?”
“That could’ve very well caused you to compromise yourself,” Hank finished with an uneasy sigh, “Captain America sent this over to me because he felt that this shouldn’t get into the wrong hands. It’s restricted information that could very well be used against you, but for the time being we’ve been able to put a lid on it. The government wants their ties to you to disappear and we just want you to find peace and…”
“What else is in there?” Logan questioned as Hank pushed open the top drawer of his desk and offered him a manila folder.
“You won’t like what you see Logan,” Hank warned as Logan reached for it, “Some of it’s pretty brutal.”
“I don’t care Hank,” Logan argued opening up the folder as he found himself suddenly distracted from his mission to find Scott. Sitting down on the edge of the metal desk, he reached for the first page printed out before him catching little bits of detail about a mission in particular that the government had sent him on. With each skim of his eyes he started to see a clearer picture of the man that was somehow buried in the back of his mind with Stryker’s madness. With each word it made Logan into something entirely different—into a man far from who he’d become until finally one word in particular captured his attention. Flipping through the folder he realized there were images of him from a bar—from a place he couldn’t quite remember, but the third image in his hand revealed Logan with a boy pressing him up roughly against a hotel room door with the number seven marked on top of it. His arms were down over the boy’s thighs while his tongue was buried deep into the boy’s throat as it was clear Logan’s companion barely looked a day over sixteen even though Logan knew his companion always appeared quite youthful. Suddenly Logan tensed up when he caught the way that Hank was looking at him.
“It was me,” Logan realized aloud as Hank reached for the folder tearing it away from his hands.
“Now you understand why I warned you against doing this with Scott,” Hank scowled back at him, “I told you that he was in a fragile place and…”
“I’m the one that broke his heart,” Logan’s heart sank with realization, “I’m the one that hurt him.”
“No more than he could heal from, but still,” Hank sighed leaning back further in his own seat, “I cautioned him against approaching you that night, but he was too stubborn to listen. He was too caught up in his own fantasy over how you’d somehow save him all over again from this life—from being a soldier for our kind and an X-Men ostracized from the rest of the world. He was naïve, but you seemed like the perfect escape.”
“Until I ran out on him,” Logan felt as if he’d been punched in the gut at the weight of the truth he’d lost in his stolen memories.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Hank opened up the top desk drawer again, “Scott realized that after Charles brought you here, but he didn’t realize the weight of your absence. He still doesn’t.”
“What do you mean?” Logan questioned.
“Logan,” Hank paused giving him a long once over, “if what you’re feeling now is solely because of the serum, then I strongly caution you to stay away from Scott. Let it run through your system until we can find a way to flush it out. Take some time away from everyone to find yourself, to think about where it is you want to be and…”
“And if it’s not?” Logan arched a curious brow.
“Then I think it’s time you both knew the truth,” Hank handed the folder over to him, “Captain America also dropped this off earlier today. I think it speaks for itself in a lot of ways if this is really what you want.”
“Thanks Hank,” Logan reached for the folder only to have Hank pull it just out of his reach.
“Don’t hurt him again,” Hank cautioned before sliding the folder into his hand, “He’s never stopped loving you Logan. Even though he hates himself for feeling that way, it’s never changed.”
“But…” Logan found himself at a loss.
“We all knew it. I knew it. Jean knew it,” Hank revealed to him with a shake of his head, “Even though he’s been in denial Scott’s known it, which is why you hating him has been killing him on the inside since you first arrived here. He can’t go through that all over again especially now that Jean’s gone.”
“He’s not going to have to Hank because I’m not going anywhere,” Logan promised looking down to the folder as he found himself armed and determined to make things right with Scott once and for all.
Scott sat on the edge of the cliff looking down at Alkali Lake knowing full well that the day that Jean died everything had fallen apart. Even now as he sat staring down at the water he found himself surrounded with pain and misery, caught up in the grief that couldn’t quite escape him once she’d voluntarily left his world. It was bad enough that he’d lost his lover and his wife, but more so he missed the friend he’d found in her when she could read him without so much as a word. It was that connection that Scott missed the most as he found himself more alone than he’d ever been.
“Oh Jean,” Scott bellowed as he reached for the beer bottle he’d set down on the rock beside him, “What am I going to do?”
Looking down at the six pack he’d picked up on the ride over, he’d found himself wondering if he could find the courage to follow through on his plan. He wasn’t quite sure where fate would lead him, but somehow he’d wound up here—with her—in the last place where they’d been together before everything had fallen apart. Now with liquid courage in his fingers and heaviness in his heart, he raised the bottle to his lips and took a long, hearty drink realizing what a coward he truly was. Granted he should’ve gone home to Charles—should’ve told Charles all about his sins and tried to repent, but there was no turning back from what he’d done. He’d screwed up everything and now he was on his own surrounded by his demons in dealing with the aftermath. Armed with that thought in mind, he stood up finishing off the bottle of beer before walking closer to the ledge. His eyes swept over the water’s surface thinking about how easily it would be to lose himself to the tide—to let the rapids take him under when he tossed the beer bottle across the water. It flew in the air with a whistling sound as the winds picked up, but it did nothing to deter Scott’s frustration when he pulled off his glasses and shot his blasts in to the green frosted glass causing it to explode upon contact.
“Whoa,” Logan’s voice startled him when Scott quickly righted his glasses, “you’d better hope there aren’t any hungry fish in there otherwise you’ve just torn the shit out of their intestines.”
“Logan,” Scott gasped turning around to face him, “What are you doing here?”
“Saving you from yourself,” Logan made a small step towards him, “which is something I should’ve done a long time ago.”
“I…I don’t understand,” Scott blinked back at him.
“I do, which is ironic that I can say that and mean it, but…” Logan stepped forward rubbing his hand over his neck, “I do Scott. I finally get it.”
“No, you don’t,” Scott shook his head and sighed.
“Yes, I do,” Logan met his eyes behind his glasses with a sudden seriousness carrying over his jawline, “and just for the record Slim, I never thought you were a prostitute.”
“What?” Scott questioned giving Logan a long once over as Logan moved in closer to him.
“You were a hell of a lot cleaner than any prostitute I’d ever met,” Logan softened his tone as he tipped his head to the side, “Truth be told you looked like the perfect slice of heaven that took a wrong turn into that bar and found your way to me. I remember you standing there—watching as you were just shifting on your feet trying to pretend that you weren’t nervous as hell.”
“You don’t have to say that Logan,” Scott turned away from him, “Just because you think it’s what I want to hear…”
“You asked me if I lived in the area and you offered to buy me a drink,” Logan explained as Scott listened to the sound of Logan’s footsteps approaching him, “That in itself was a dead giveaway when I asked to see your ID. Hell, I even remember you whipping one out that said you were twenty three…”
“You said I looked like I was barely out of high school,” Scott mouthed thoughtlessly as he found himself remembering the way he’d approached Logan in his youth.
“Said you were nineteen when I called you on your bullshit, but we both knew that was a lie,” Logan noted arching a suspicious brow that caused Scott’s face to grow hot with embarrassment, “didn’t we?”
“Close enough,” Scott answered stiffly refusing to add more to Logan’s words.
“Like hell,” Logan noted making a small step towards Scott.
“I was a few days shy of it,” Scott’s face grew hotter at the memory, “not that it mattered at the time, but…”
“There was no stopping the little firecracker that you were though, was there?” Logan gave him a long, curious once over, “I tried to pretend you didn’t make an impact on me, but then when you kept trying to talk to me—refusing to walk away after I’d been purposely aloof with you I saw what was happening. Still you were uncharacteristically brazen and determined in asking if I’d been to the bar often, which only further told me that you never had been there.”
“Logan, just because I told you a story that…”
“I was completely taken by you before I even touched you. I knew I was going to burn in hell for it given the type of temptation you were, but I didn’t care. You were pure sin wrapped up in the most savory package I’d ever experienced in my life,” Logan blurted out as Scott stiffened before him, “I hadn’t even gotten you inside of that hotel room when it hit me how deep in my system you already were. Just the smell of you sent me on sensory overload far more than anything else I’d ever experienced and before I knew it I pinned you up against the door and we were kissing, getting really hot and bothered and it was raining. The wind was making your hair do this thing where it started to curl just behind your ear…”
“Logan,” Scott replied feeling Logan’s hand on his shoulder.
“I remember watching you—thinking about how beautiful you were with the rain on your face—those droplets on your glasses and your lips parting just like…” Logan coaxed Scott to turn around and face him, “Just like that.”
“Like this?” Scott questioned as Logan reached out to brush his thumb over Scott’s bottom lip. The movement caused him to shiver and gasp exhaling a warm breath when Logan continued to press his thumb over Scott’s plump flesh.
“You seemed so vulnerable—innocent even,” Logan couldn’t help, but smile when his fingers pressed into the side of Scott’s face. Reaching out he tucked a short, wavy strand of Scott’s hair behind his ear causing him to tremble all over again, “I knew you were pretending to be more experienced than you were, but as you said I was a bit of an asshole and a part of me didn’t care about that. This part of me to be specific.”
With those words Logan reached for Scott’s hand placing it over the center of his jeans coaxing Scott to cup and hold his manhood through the material as a slow purr rose up from the back of his throat, “Kid, you have no idea how incredible your hands felt on me especially after everyone I crossed paths with for so long was afraid of me. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before in my life, but soon…I realized that it wasn’t just this,” Logan paused squeezing Scott’s fingers over his body once again, “that was completely taken by you.”
“It wasn’t?” Scott gulped down as Logan pulled Scott’s hand up over the center of his chest.
“No, it wasn’t. It was this in here,” Logan explained wrapping his fingers around Scott’s wrist, “It’s always been here. Even though I can’t remember everything about my life during that point in time, I remember you. I remember that ridiculous blue turtleneck you were wearing—the way that you moaned when I licked that spot behind your ear, but more so I remember the way you tasted and smelled—that way that you were able to intoxicate me without saying a word.”
“Logan I…” Scott tipped his head down.
“You still have that effect on me,” Logan cupped Scott’s face in his hands once again, “Even now.”
“You don’t mean that. You only think that because of the serum…” Scott started with a small frown.
“Stop telling me what I do or don’t mean,” Logan argued with him, “That damned serum might’ve amplified my thoughts and feelings temporarily, but it doesn’t define the way I feel about you. It doesn’t change the fact that I’ve wanted you from the moment you walked into my life.”
“You don’t even remember me walking into your life,” Scott reminded him with a small frown.
“I might not remember every detail in being in that compound saving you, but I know I was there,” Logan explained with a shake of his head, “A part of me feels like I was there for all the wrong reasons, but saving you was the one thing I did right. I’m not a good guy Scott, but you make me want to change that. You make me want to be a better man even though I spend a lot of time at my worst.”
“I don’t think it’s your worst,” Scott shrugged as Logan rubbed his thumb over the side of Scott’s face.
“My worst was leaving you without any reason behind my exit,” Logan admitted with a pained expression on his face, “I never wanted to go. When I finally met you I was in a dark place, but you were the first breath of fresh air in my life.”
“Logan…”
“That night at the bar when you spotted me,” Logan took in a nervous breath, “I was the one there seeking you out. I’d gone there specifically searching for you.”
“For me?” Scott questioned tipping his head to the side to give Logan a long once over, “Why?”
“Because I was working for the government—cleaning up loose ends that…” Logan gulped down as tension carried over his jawline, “Stryker did a lot of things at the facility—things that they wanted to bury and in doing so they wanted to make the evidence of his sins disappear. It made the people I worked for look bad so…”
“…so they sent you there to ‘clean up’ the situation,” Scott stiffened when the weight of Logan’s words carried over him.
“They wanted things to be dealt with, but when I first read your file,” Logan offered up as it seemed something clicked inside of him, “there was something about you—something I couldn’t quite shake so much so that when you decided to flirt with me, I knew that I would’ve been a fool to walk away. You weren’t just a mission for me anymore Scott. You never were.”
“What was I?”
“The best thing that ever walked into my life when I was the least deserving of it,” Logan slid his fingers through Scott’s hair once again, “You were so beautiful, so trusting and so perfect. We learned more about one another than we thought possible in that weekend and once I knew you, I realized that the only way to keep you safe was to take you away with me.”
“You mean…?” Scott trembled as Logan pulled him in closer for a kiss.
“I knew they’d send someone else after you if for no other reason than to clean up their own mess and I couldn’t have that. I was planning to leave town with you—to take you far from that place to somewhere that we could build a life together—where we could be together exploring the connection between us from there on out,” Logan’s lips barely skimmed the surface of Scott’s, “I wanted to protect you—to save you from the others—from a world that could never truly understand people like us.”
“So what happened?” Scott tilted his head to the side as his lips barely brushed against Logan’s in the beginnings of an almost kiss.
“Victor,” Logan tensed up at the admission. He pulled away from Scott and reached into his pocket to extract the crumpled file that Hank had given him. He stretched his arm out towards Scott offering the proof to his lover in a moment of discontent between them, “He found me when I was making arrangements for us to leave together. He was waiting in the wings—working on a contract to find you and…”
“And what?” Scott watched as Logan turned his back to him.
“He would’ve killed you Scott. I had no choice, but to agree to his terms—to walk away before…” Logan gulped down harder than before. He rubbed his palms together before nodding towards the papers, “He promised he’d forget he found you if I returned to him. He threatened that if I hadn’t that he’d tear you apart limb for limb like he’d damn near attempted to do the first time when…”
“…when he kidnapped me,” Scott shuddered as his fingers squeezed around the papers Logan handed him.
“He hurt you once Scott and I didn’t want to see it happen again,” Logan let out an ironic laugh, “It killed me to think that I’d forgotten all of that, but if you look in those papers you’ll see that after I’d left the government caught up with Victor and I…they mind wiped the both of us in an attempt to prep us for the next mission, but not before I delivered the information to them that you were…”
“…deceased,” Scott read aloud as he looked down to the page before him, “You told them I was dead?”
“To protect you—to keep you from all of the madness and the pain that my world carried with it, but don’t think for a damn second that I ever willingly gave all of this up,” Logan faced him once again, “I fought like tooth and nail to take down Victor—to find a way to get back to you before it was gone, but after that—maybe that was fate’s way of saying you’d be better off without me—that you’d be safer without my demons weighing down upon us.”
“I…I don’t understand,” Scott read over the papers in his hands.
“I didn’t choose to leave you, but rather my own idiotic decisions left me without a choice,” Logan explained as Scott looked up from the pages once again, “My mistakes were what kept us apart—not you. It was never about my wanting to leave you. I just wanted to protect you—to save you like I couldn’t before when Victor abducted you. I wanted you to be happy—to be free and…”
“All this time I’d thought I didn’t matter,” Scott let out an ironic laugh, “That somehow even in knowing what Stryker did to your mind that there was a part of you that never felt I was enough for you. It was like when we saw one another again I’d expected something more—some kind of reaction, but when you gave me nothing, but raw hatred…”
“I’ve wanted you from the first moment I saw you standing there in Chuck’s office looking all prim and proper,” Logan bridged the distance between them by wrapping his arms around Scott’s waist, “Even before I knew that you were mine there was something inside of me that couldn’t shake the natural response I had to having you around.”
“Most of the time that natural response involved a very explicit fuck you,” Scott reminded him with a wrinkled expression on his face.
“Think about that Slim,” Logan wiggled his brow suggestively, “There was a key word in that statement that…”
“This is crazy,” Scott mouthed wrapping his arms around Logan’s shoulders in spite of himself, “If it wasn’t for the serum…”
“We would’ve found our way to this again,” Logan cut him off abruptly, “Maybe not as fast as we did this time, but it would’ve happened. Though I probably would’ve did or said something to screw it up since I haven’t exactly been forthcoming with my feelings for you…”
“And just what feelings are those?” Scott asked behind a tentative breath.
“I love you Slim,” Logan shook his head and groaned, “How many times do I have to keep telling you that?”
“Long enough for me to start to believe it,” Scott’s voice trembled with uncertainty as he thought about Logan’s run in with the serum—with the things he was convinced were guiding Logan’s actions when Logan squeezed Scott in against his chest.
“Then if that’s what it takes I’ll spend forever saying it,” Logan dipped in closer to him, “I love you Scott.”
“I love you too Logan,” Scott whimpered letting loose on the heaviness of the secret he’d carried with him from the moment he’d pulled Logan off of that burning truck and taken him back home to the mansion, “A part of me always has.”
“Then stop trying to rationalize this and start letting that part be your guide because this is as real as it gets,” Logan assured him as their lips collided in a warm, welcoming kiss full of tenderness and relief now that it seemed they were finally back on the path to happily ever after with one another.