Chapter Text
Chapter 8: Opportunities
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Everyone in the orphanage was asleep, no doubt exhausted from running around all day. Everyone but her at least. She had far too many thoughts bouncing around her head to even think of sleep. For once, they were entirely of her own doing, not a Whisper to be heard.
Kneeling in the orphanage's shrine, she meditated on her issues. She had spent enough time going into meditative trances in that room, that her body and mind had started to instinctively associate the tight incense filled confines with hyperfocus, finding it easier to fall into the proper state of mind. Placebo or not, with the scale of the issues she was wrestling with currently, she felt she needed every edge she could get, real or imagined.
How does one psychoanalyze themselves, when they aren't even sure if they are themselves? When their very thoughts are suspect, when every action no matter how innocuous must be reevaluated and cross-examined?
The answer, as Tanya was slowly piecing together, was that you didn't.
It just couldn't be done. If your brain is being messed with by an outside party, then logically speaking, whatever conclusion you come up with, no matter how well reasoned or how much effort was put in, the results would be tainted and flawed.
When the game is rigged, you could never truly win.
That being said, Tanya chose to ignore the logical fallacy of the endeavor and pressed on regardless. To do otherwise would only lead to madness. But to press on was also a path to madness. She was self-aware enough to see her flaw, her preference for pressing onward despite logic dictating otherwise bordered on insanity at times. She knew this, but she didn't care.
She knew it had been stupid to continue fighting Being X, a being that for all intents and purposes was a god. Sure, she didn't actually Being X was actually divine, but at the end of the day, should it have mattered? The bastard had reincarnated her into another world, and plunged it into all out war for no other reason than to teach her a lesson. And all It wanted in return for a better life was for her to bend the knee, and she had spat on his offer, again and again. She knew it was stupid, yet she had continued to do it anyways.
Like an ant trying to prove that it didn't fear the burning spyglass. A waste of time, effort, and if she were being truly honest with herself, a waste of existence. Nothing she could ever hope to accomplish would even minorly inconvenience an entity that could stop time on a whim. She could never hope to win, not against something so clearly above her.
She prided herself on her rationality, her logical mind. And yet, she had tried all the same.
What was it that had driven her to such lengths? Was it pride, stubbornness, stupidity, or something else entirely? Mayhaps it was all of them.
She didn't know, and she didn't really care, because at the end of the day it was her. It was what she was at her very core. When stripped of everything, her body, her family and friends, her accomplishments, even her very world, that core trait remained. Cracked and chipped to be sure, but it still persisted when all else was taken. When given the choice between rolling over and meekly accepting her fate, or doing her damndest to claw fate's eyes out. She knew which one she would always choose.
With one last deep breath, she opened her eyes and rose from the floor, with something that could charitably be called a smile on her lips. Her doubts and troubles seemed to slide off her like water. A fire that had long since guttered out over the years blazed once more in her eyes, rekindled by an unshakable certainty. Something this idyllic little world had almost lulled her into forgetting.
Violence was the question, and the answer was always yes.
/
She wished she had kept a diary.
It would have made the process of finding any inconsistencies in her behavior so much easier. But she hadn't, and so had to rely on her much more fallible memory, with all its inherent inaccuracies and biases.
For the sake of thoroughness, she had started her list with all the things that were different in this life. She jotted down everything she could think of, ranging from the inconsequential like the green color of the sky, to the more glaring Whispers.
Going through it, she underlined the points she thought could have any correlation with whatever was messing with her head. Then making another list just for those. Ordering them by how likely she thought they were to be related to the cause.
-Whispers. (Undeniably hostile, painful, causes stress, unknown cause or trigger, seemingly a constant presence, affects both body and mind. Extremely high probability.)
-Creepy Man at the park. (Linked to Whispers in some way, creepy, unsettling, seemingly hostile, eye contact was able to induce an irrationally frantic mental state, eye contact seemingly increased the efficacy of the Whispers, displayed ability to directly affect mind and body. Extremely high probability.)
-Cherub. (Linked to Whispers in some way, just thinking about it fills me with a disproportionate amount of disgust and anger, seeing it had caused the whispers to come back earlier than expected, has a direct effect on mind. Extremely high probability.)
-God-Emperor. (Linked to Whispers in some fashion, seems helpful or at least neutral, has direct effect on Whispers, requires prayer or at least requires certain actions be taken before having any effect on Whispers, to date has never hurt me or shown the ability to hurt me, has displayed ability to affect mind. Extremely high probability)
-Mana source. (Linked to Whispers, leaves me feeling dirty after use, can induce nausea and headaches, displays ability to affect mind and body. Extremely high probability.)
-Damaged Mana reservoir. (Linked to Whispers, whispers started with the reservoir's destruction, reservoir was still damaged. Extremely high probability.)
-Enhanced senses. (Increase in the body's reward response to positive stimuli has a possible effect on impulse control? Moderately high probability.)
-Different body. (Different hormonal balance clashing with my pre-established mental state causing a mental imbalance of some kind? Possible genetic disposition for bouts of insanity? Low probability.)
Listing it all out like that helped her decide what she needed to focus on more. The only problem was that she wasn't sure what steps she could or even should take to find or mitigate their possible effects on her.
The only things she could do was record and review everything that happened to her going forward, in the hopes of catching any irregularities. That, on top of trying to remember to think things through more thoroughly.
With a sigh, she opened the new notebook.
Dear diary…
/
By her estimates, judging by just the size, her Mana reservoir was nearly halfway complete. She had completely gathered every single fragment in her body as those were the easiest to recover. Now all that was left were the remnants that hung in the air outside herself. They not only needed to be moved further, but they also seemed to take even more mental effort to get a firm grasp on.
The increased difficulties of recovering these shards meant that where before she could recover a few pieces a day, now she could barely do a single fragment every two days. It dramatically slowed her rate of progress, but after spending almost two years on the project she wasn't going to quit. And besides, with how utterly exhausted the process left her, it was the perfect tool for falling into a deep dreamless slumber.
Something of which she was extremely grateful for with all the doubts that plagued her in recent months.
/
With graduation only being a month away, the school was rife with job posters, and more than a few company representatives came by at lunch to talk about "exciting job opportunities".
By which she meant, indentured servitude. The 'benefits' seemed to just be that it was a job. She hadn't graduated sixth in her year just to work in some factory, least of all not as a menial laborer. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if the jobs came with opportunities for upward mobility, but no, it seemed such positions were almost exclusively locked to upper echelons of society. Those born with the right family name.
And any chance at a higher learning required the same money and connections that she simply didn't have.
At best the jobs on offer would have allowed Tanya to eventually become a shift manager.
Where were the nice office jobs dammit! She thought as she scowled at the flyer covered board.
"Ah! Tanya! Have you reconsidered the offer?" A disgustingly familiar voice spoke behind her.
Making sure to keep her expression pleasant, she turned around. "Sorry Sir. I'm still weighing my options. But I will be sure to give your offer the consideration it is due." In a burning garbage bin where it belongs.
"Oh." The man sounded genuinely disappointed, she gleefully noted. "Well, remember, the Guardsmen will always have its doors open for a bright young woman like yourself." He made the sign of aquila. "The Emperor Protects."
She dutifully reciprocated, watching as he wandered away. No doubt to sucker some other poor soul into signing up. How he could with a straight face try to cajoul a nine year old child into military service didn't really do anything to endear the man to her. Even she had some standards.
It almost physically pained her that the military seemed to actually be her best bet. It offered her the best pay, benefits, and had plenty of upward mobility, especially with her prior experience. It would have been easy to climb the ranks. And Severon Nine had enjoyed a nearly peaceful existence for almost two hundred years. The worst she probably would have had to deal with was putting down a few small insurrection attempts. A cake walk really. A very tempting cake walk.
But she adamantly refused to even entertain the notion. It had been that very thinking that had caused almost all the problems of her last life. As if she would be stupid enough to tempt fate like that. No, she learned her lesson the last time. Thank you very much.
/
Tanya, Kassandra, and Dora, boarded the train together after class.
Ever since the police had stopped escorting them, Kassandra seemed to have taken it upon herself to accompany Tanya in public whenever she could get away with it. It was something that only had positives, so Tanya didn't really say anything about it.
If the older girl wanted to increase her safety, who was she to complain? And in the year since she apologized, Kassandra had been nothing but pleasant to her so it wasn't like it added any sort of burden on Tanyas end of things.
"I'm planning on joining the Guard." Kassandra all but blurted out the moment they took their seats.
Tanya could only stare at the girl for a moment as she absorbed her sudden statement. "Are you sure?" She wouldn't have said she considered the teen her friend, but Kassandra had at least proven over the year that her continued existence wasn't without some merit. "Life as a Guardsman is hard. Dangerous even."
"I know that." Now Kassandra laughed, it wasn't quite a sound of happiness. "But it's the best choice I have with my grades being what they are."
Me too. Tanya silently thought back. For the first time allowing herself to feel anger. How was it fair that she put in so much more effort, and yet here she was in the same boat as Kassandra? What was wrong with this society, that a seemingly once in a generation genius like her was treated the same as someone as average as Kassandra?
Was a name truly all that mattered in this world? Where was the justice in that? Just what did it take to get noticed in this world?
Tanya stewed in her thoughts all the way home. Watching the world blur by through the window.
/
When they arrived at the orphanage it was immediately obvious that something was happening.
For starters, there was a fancy looking air speeder parked in front of the steps. A man in a black suit with glowing red optics instead of eyes sat in the driver seat. With the way he tracked us as we made our way inside, he wasn't just a driver.
Matron Tessa met them in the entranceway. "Tanya! Thank goodness you're here, come with me!" She frantically pulled Tanya into the nearest room. Before the door shut, Tanya spotted another one of the suited men by the door.
"Wha-"
"Sit!" Matron Tess shoved her down into a chair, brushing her hair so quickly and violently that even her normally straight hair got pulled.
"Matron Tes-"
A moist towel was pressed into her face, rubbing furiously. Completely ignoring her indignant spluttering.
"Hey! Wha-"
A hand snapped out and squeezed her cheeks together. Something vaguely moist and alien was dragged across her lips. Going by the taste and smell, it was some kind of lipstick. By the time she realized what it was, a makeup brush was being applied to her cheeks.
That was the last straw for the bamboozled Tanya. She firmly grabbed the Matron's arm. "What are you doing!? What is goin-"
Matron glared down at her with such a heated expression it caused Tanya to flinch and immediately shut up.
"The Governor is here! And he wants to see you! Now stop fighting me! I need to make you presentable!" She hissed down at Tanya in a rush.
"The Governor?" She repeated, struck dumb in surprise. Her grip slackened almost without her input.
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