Chapter Text
Looking upwards at his lover standing motionless with no intent of getting on the bed, Kaoru abandons the act. "Kojiro, you've been acting strange all night. If you have something to say, spit it out," he said bluntly, sitting up against the bed frame in a rather elegant position. At that moment, Kojiro would've done anything to get Kaoru's eyes off him. They've always been passionate, full of anger, full of lust. But in moments like these, they managed to leave him bare and vulnerable. He would never admit it, but a part deep inside him was grateful for the staggering and the indecision that led them to this moment. It was bound to happen. He was ready now.
Kojiro, lube in hand, steps on the bed, kneeling in front of Kaoru. He sets the bottle down next to him, placing his hands on his knees and sighing deeply. Kaoru shuffles uncomfortably, utterly confused and slightly guilty. He reaches over for the blanket bunched up in a corner of the bed and uses it to cover his hips. It felt wrong to flash Kojiro like that.
"Hey," he said slowly as he felt he was intruding a private moment, "if you don't want to do anything tonight, that's alright. There's some leftover eggplant parmigiana from yesterday that I'm dying to dive into-"
Before he could finish the sentence, Kojiro's glossy eyes meet his as he interrupts him. "Kaoru, I'm so sorry." A simple sentence, but the dominant tone of defeat in between the words made Kaoru realize this was a serious conversation.
"No, no, darling. What's wrong? Talk to me." As of instinct, Kaoru shuffled forward, reaching for Kojiro and cupping his head gently in his hands. Darling, Kojiro thought. Kaoru had rejected every single pet name Kojiro called him. That hadn't stopped him, though. He used every single one: sweetheart, baby, honey. He toyed with the occasional "princess" here and there. Kaoru on the other hand preferred to stick with his favorites: gorilla, musclebrain, big dumb oaf. Kojiro must've really worried Kaoru for him to call him darling. His gentle hand was softly caressing his cheek, tugging loose hairs behind his ears, and staring intently with concern. This wasn't like Kaoru. This was Joe. Whenever Kaoru had a rough day with his clients or woke up shaking from a nightmare, Joe never failed to comfort him. He often wondered if he had been any help, but now that Kaoru was employing the same gestures on him, he knew. He'd never been comforted before. It was nice. Kojiro pressed his cheek into Kaoru's left hand and this one adjusted to stroking softly with his thumb. Kaoru's eyes, once fire, were now soft. The flame of his yellow eyes was tame and mellowed, staring gently with concern at Kojiro's sudden change in mood. He needed to say something, Kojiro thought. He'd been quiet for too long.
"Kaoru, do you like me?" Kaoru was taken aback. Drawing his hands away in disbelief, he stared directly at Kojiro and rested against the bedframe. Kojiro felt a tinge of regret in his stomach, mourning the loss of Kaoru's delicate hands holding his face gently. "Of course I love you, Jiro," Kaoru said abruptly, slightly insulted at the insinuation. "Where on Earth is this coming from?"
"No I- I mean, do you like me? I know you love me, sometimes I feel like you don't like me. Like loving me is a chore. Something you have to do because there's no other choice. I just wanted- Ugh, I'm sorry this is dumb. Haha, look at me. Pretending I didn't have your dick in my mouth ten seconds ago." He laughs softly, placing his hand against his forehead and drawing his hair back. His face is burning from embarrassment. Kojiro was the one people confided in; he never found himself doing the same thing. Not because he was afraid to. It just never had occurred to him to share his problems. They were his to bear. Almost immediately, he feels Kaoru's arms around him, holding him tightly. Placing one of his hands behind his head, he draws Kojiro to the crook of his neck. Kojiro lets himself relax into Kaoru, melting into him, into his hair, his touch, his warmth. Kaoru has always been warm. He hugs him back.
Kojiro didn't know how long they stayed like that. It was probably no more than twenty seconds, but Kojiro felt like he had spent a lifetime in Kaoru's arms. Kaoru pulls away tentatively, remaining face to face with Kojiro. Taking one of his hands into his and brushing gently under his eyes with the other, Kaoru says, "How long have you felt like that?" Kojiro doesn't say anything. He simply looks down at his hands, now stroking softly at Kaoru's hand. "How could I not notice?" he whispers, ashamed. Kojiro's eyes widen.
"Look at me. Hey. I like you." Kojiro chuckles at that. Kaoru smiles softly. "I do, you big dummy. I like you very much." Kojiro is smiling back at him. Kaoru breaks eye contact, looking to the side and exhaling deeply. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like loving you wasn't the greatest thing that has ever happened to me." He looks at Kojiro again, tears in the corner of his eyes. Did Kaoru… apologize? Kaoru had never been the one to apologize. But now, sitting in front of Kojiro, hands in his, he feels loved; loved by the man barely covered by the blanket; by the man whose eyes hold fire and, for the first time, he wondered if they were burning for him.
"Kaoru…" he said in light disbelief, a smile painting his lips.
"Ugh, don't look at me like that, you oaf," Kaoru claws his hands away from Kojiro and rubs his eyes, previously stained with tears.
"Like what?" Kojiro inches closer to Kaoru, forcing the pink-haired man back-to-back with the bedframe, trapping him in his gaze.
"Like that! With your eyes. Stop it!" Kaoru swats at him gently, turning Kojiro's face away from him. He can't help but laugh at how flustered Kaoru looks. He grabs Kaoru's hand and places a lingering kiss on the back of his fingers. He holds them for a moment, staring longingly at the way Kaoru's fingers barely held his. He had a faint suspicion. Discretely, he moves his hand down to hold onto Kaoru's wrist. His pulse was skyrocketing. Kaoru notices as soon as Kojiro applies slight pressure, his heart reverberating back to him. With a faint expression of knowing, Kojiro looks up at Kaoru, who retrieves his hand from Kojiro's loosening grip. He crosses his legs and pulls the blanket up to cover his midsection. The air was tense once again.
"Kojiro, is this because of Adam?" Kaoru looks up at him, already knowing the answer. Kojiro is stunned. What is he supposed to say? Oh God, he hadn't planned for this. He doesn't want to make Kaoru feel guilty. He doesn't. He wouldn't. But…
"Kaoru…"
"Oh, God. I knew it!" Kaoru pulls his knees to his chest in frustration, covering his eyes. Kojiro moves back, heart pounding. "Dammit! Adam always ruins everything. Fuck. I ruin everything."
He's crying now. There was an unspoken agreement concerning Adam and Kaoru's previous relationship. Well, "relationship" wasn't the term for it. Either way, it didn't matter. Now, Kaoru couldn't help but feel disgusted by it. Still, with Adam's return, there's been some unrelating tension between the three, and he can't seem to bring the subject up. He's frightened, terrified that Kojiro… It's hard for him to be patient with himself. No matter how many times he tried to accept that he was just a kid, that it was alright, he clung to the belief that he should've known better. Kojiro stares, motionless. He sits and watches as Kaoru unravels, unsure of what to do with himself.
"No," he aggressively brushes tears from his eyes, "No, this isn't about me."
"I think it's more complicated than that Kaoru. You lo-"
"I don't care!" Kaoru shuts his eyes tightly, raising his voice as if to scare off an intruding thought. This startles Kojiro who moves backward, like someone braising for an attack. With fingers interlocked and resting on the top of his head, he takes a few quick deep breaths before looking up towards Kojiro. "I'm sorry. I just-" a smile appears on the corner of his mouth, "So you know how I never make mistakes, right?"
Kojiro snickers and replies sarcastically with a smile, "Uh-huh?"
Kaoru laughs in response, "Well, maybe I made a mistake. Just this once." He looks to the side mournfully, regretful. "Chasing after Adam was… dumb."
"Kaoru…" Kojiro says softly. His lover’s eyes shift to him, desperate for what he has to say. Kojiro tucks some loose fringe behind his ear. "Kaoru, I don't think what happened between you and Adam was a mistake and I just don't understand why you punish yourself for it. He was your first love, honey. You and your little puppy eyes followed him everywhere; It's not your fault I was jealous."
"No, Kojiro. It was a mistake. It was objectively wrong." Kaoru interrupts abruptly.
"But why, Kaoru? You did nothing wrong. I don't underst-"
"Because you were right there, Kojiro.” The room falls silent. "I spent my teenage years feeling like love was unachievable, wondering if it was my fault, and you were right there in front of me. It makes me sad to think of all the moments I missed if I had just opened my eyes instead of fantasizing with some asshole who never even gave me a second glance."
Kojiro stares, dumbfounded. They had avoided the “Adam” discussion like the plague, and now he can't help but wonder, why was he so scared to ask? Maybe they would've understood each other instead of fantasizing over the other's hypothetical resentments.
“Jesus, Kaoru. I've never known you to be corny."
"Are you serious right now? Kojiro I was being hone-"
"I know. I know, baby, and I appreciate it.” Kojiro pulls Kaoru towards his chest, placing his arms around him. “It was just out of character for you."
Kaoru stutters furiously, pushing himself out of Kojiro’s grip and lightly punching his chest in anger. "You're fucking unbelievable, you know that? Fucking unbelievable." The arms that were lightly punching his chest drag down as the weight of his shoulders makes him tilt his head down. The embarrassment that once stained his cheeks had spread down his neck.
With a soft hand, he tilts Kaoru’s head up, while Kaoru avoids his gaze. “Hey. I'm right here. In front of you. Look." He covers his face with his hands and moves them away playing a taunting game of peek-a-boo.
"You're a dunce," Kaoru says, wiping slightly dried tears away, chuckling.
"There you are…” he reaches over, stroking Kaoru's cheek, “Gorgeous”.