Chapter Text
I woke up on my bed. I didn’t remember going back to Keramzin. I tried to open my eyes wider, but the stinging forced me to close them again. I sit up and stretch my back. What on earth got into my head that made me go sleep outside?
Oh yea.. Memories.
When the I wanted the Darkling dead I didn’t know I would feel this way afterward. My heart aches at remembering all the moments we had together. He trusted me with his name. He trusted me. At least I think he did. I hope he did.
The door slams. I don’t turn. I know it is Mal. It wouldn't be Valeriya, the teacher, or Dominika, the cook, they did not get along with me that well.
The bed creaks as he gets on it. I suddenly sink as he gets closer to me. I make no acknowledgement of him.
His lips are suddenly are on my neck. I flinch. I turn to him.
“Mal I didn’t-”
He looks at me and I see the anger rising in him.
“No its alright...i’ll… Let me go see the kids” He stands and storms off.
What is wrong with me? I finally had Mal! Wasn't he all I wanted all my life! I run my hand through my white hair.
I thought that maybe after a few days after loosing my power it would return back to brown. I at the same time I wanted it to stay same. I couldn’t let go to the past. Even if I only had my powers for about a year, I had become used to it.
I didn’t know I would live another day with being another otkazat’sya.
I shocked myself. I never used that term.
Memories of the Aleksander rushed in my mind. The time when I thought I saw jealousy in his eyes.
I don’t...I will never know if he actually felt something for me. If it was true or just a way to control me.
I changed into some more comfortable clothes. I look around at our room. It needed some organizations.
I know I was just stalling...I didn’t want to deal with Mal at the moment.
I picked up some clothes Mal had left on the floor. When one got caught on the ring.
I had gotten used to wearing it. I almost forgot I had it.
I was married to Mal.
We had gotten married soon after my ‘death’. No more Sankta Alina. No more the only Sun Summoner.
I had heard that there were eight new sun summoners. They were staying in the Little Palace to learn with their new power.
I snapped out of that trance. I must forget about that life. I am now Marina. Marina...
Mal came up with that name. He said it was one of his favorites.
He was known as Quan.
I give out a squeak as begin to fall down. I extend my hands to to soften my fall. I land with a thump.
My hands scrape against the wooden floor and leaves me with splinters.
“Saints!” I curse
I run out to the kitchen where the medical kit was.
Dominika was there over a large basin preparing the food. She looked at me, and for a moment she looked at me with pity.
“ What happened Marina?”
I sniffled. Why am I crying! Control yourself Alina.
“ Nothing...I just fell and got splinters on my hands”
She walks over to the cabinet. She stands on her toes to reach the top. She was a short lady and a little bit pudgy.
Her brown curls gave her a motherly look to the children and they adored her. Her rosy cheeks and her wide smile immediately got her the liking of the children.
Me, on the other hand, did not have that luck. My white hair and hollow face.
‘Hey Sticks’
Mikhael’s voice sounded through my head. No honors were given to him. Even Mal had seemed to forget. I remembered the day when he drank to much kvas and tried to kiss me. I probably look the same as then. Weak.
With white hair.
“Marina come over here there is more light” Dominika’s strong but soothing voice broke my thoughts.
I walked over and I placed my hand on the table. She began to take out each splinter one by one.
Footsteps approached us.
Valeriya entered talking“You wouldn’t believe it Dominika, guess who just asked me for…”
She stopped when she saw me.
Her golden hair shined even in the darkness. She had Zoya’s body. She was everything I wanted to before I was the Sun Summoner. Her blue eyes widened and a blush rose to her cheeks.
“I’ll come back later” She said strutting off.
I turned to Dominika and she had her head down.
“What is going on Dominika?” I said sternly.
“Nothing Marina...just Valeriya and her new catch” She said without looking at me.
I felt a cooling sensation on my hand. Dominika had rubbed a cooling cream on my hand. It eased the sting.
“There all done” She said wiping her hand on her apron.
I stand up. And walk away without another word.
On the way to my room I ran into some of the children. They looked down when I passed. I couldn’t fit in this society. I couldn’t go back to the Little Palace. The children quickly ran to the kitchen. I heard giggles.
I enter my room. Mal was sitting on the bed. I go sit next to him.
“I’m sorry” I whisper.
He lets out a breath and wraps his arm around me. The electric feeling when he used to touch me was gone.
“ No...I know that this has been hard for you. To fit back into this society”
“I never fit in anywhere” except with Aleksander.
‘Like calls to Like’
His velvet voice runs through my head.
“Yes you do Alina. You fit in with me”
He kisses me. I know he feels it. The lack of spark in our touches. The lost desire.
He still kisses me. I still kiss him. It seems like a routine.
We separate. Our hearts aren’t racing. Our eyes are not black.
He stands up. With confusion written on his face.
“I have to go to the market. We have run out of rice for the children”
I nod and he leaves.
I resume my cleaning. When I spot what made me fall. A black box.
The black box that contained my blue kefta. Genya gave it to me last time she came to visit. I hadn’t put it on. I know if Mal saw me wearing it he would get angry.
But, he won’t be back for a while. So why not.
I slide it on.
I felt like I was putting on the Queen’s clothes back at the Big Palace with Genya. Clothes that weren’t mine. Colors that weren’t mine.
An idea came to my head. I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. But my body is not in my control.
I rush out and enter the kitchen. Valeriya and Dominika gossiping quietly with two little girls next to them eating a cookies.
I clear my throat and they look up. Dominika audibly gasps. And Valeriya’s blue eyes widen.
“Do we have dyes?” I ask.
Dominika opens her mouth but no noise comes out. They were shocked. They were afraid. I liked it.
“They are in that cabinet.” Valeriya speaks up pointing at the white cabinet. It was encrusted with green vines. Those vines ran throughout the whole building. They were some of the paintings I did.
I look in the cabinet and saw the color I desired. I walk out with my head held high.
I go out to the washing basin. I dumb in the dye, and I watch it spread. The darkness spreading just as the fold had. The black color consuming the transparency of the water. Engulfing it.
I remove my kefta ready to dye it. Turn it black in his memory. I was inches from putting it in when my arms stop.
What am I doing? Mal would kill me if I ever wore something black.
I have to stop this. I had enjoyed instilling fear into Valeriya and Dominika. I remembered the last time I felt this way.
I go back to my room with my blue kefta in my hands. I rush to the bed. And lay there. Waiting to anything to happen. For Mal to arrive. To fall asleep. To feel my power return.
I extend my hand trying to call the light.
I remember how I couldn’t call my power before. Mal was stopping it. My hope for a life with him had stopped me from using it.
Maybe if I let go. Just a little, I could see if it was him stopping it again.
I remove my ring. And set it as far away as I could. I close my eyes. And call to the light again.
A tingle in my core was enough of a sign. I open my eyes. The room had a feeble light entering. In its darkness a ray of light was collecting around my hand.
Tears of joy run my eyes. I still had this. I still had what made me special.
I fully open both hands a blinding light filled the room.
I couldn’t sleep. I would call to my light every few minutes to see if I had imagined it. When I heard Mal enter the home I quickly retrieved my ring and put it on.. I sat up.
He entered the room quietly thinking I was asleep.
When he saw my shape sitting down in the darkness. He stopped.
“Alina” he whispered.
“Who else would I be?” I say sternly.
“Nobody” he says quickly,” I just...You haven’t slept in bed with me for a while”
He takes off his clothes one by one and puts on his pajamas.
“Well here I am”
A moment of silence goes through. He crawls into bed and sits with me.
“What’s wrong with us?” He asks out of nowhere.
“What do you mean?”
He turns to face me,” Well we never have a full on conversation before now”
“Nothing new has happened” I say quickly.
He looks down,” Nothing has happened between us in a month”
I understand what he is trying to say. Last time we had a relation we both felt forced. Like we had to. It was what we had wanted. DId we?
He leans and kisses my cheek.
“Good night Alina”
He lays back. Facing the ceiling. I know his eyes are open.
Mal and I got married about four months ago.
The first month it was what they called the honeymoon phase. I still felt something for him then. We were inseparable. With Misha at our side we traveled back to Keramzin. We were excited to care for the orphans. We even thought of having our own children.
But as the months passed. I returned to my sickly self. And I saw both our interest disappear.
I open my eyes in darkness. I smile as I call to the light. It envelops me in light. And I see where I am. The observatory in the Permafrost.
The place smelled of kvas. I wrinkled my nose as I walk to my old room in this place..
I open the door and facing the window.
Aleksander.
I am sure it is him. His stance. His body. It is him.
“ALEKSANDER!”
I yell out.
He doesn’t move.
I cant move. My feet are stuck in place. I want to run to him. The person who saw me even when I was sickly. Even when there was no surety to my powers.
He turns and looks up. His quartz eyes scan the room. His eyes go over everywhere.
His eyes, I notice were watery.
He is crying. I try to reach toward him. To hug him. Even after all he did he still had power over me. He seem so innocent..
He held something in his hand. Clenched to his heart. He wouldn’t let go.
“Aleksander” I whisper giving up on trying to move.
He sat on a chair next to the window.
Without moving my body, I approach him.
Tears are streaming down his face. I want to wipe them off. I never thought he could look so weak...so hurt.
He closes his eyes and rests his head on the back of the chair. His hand opens and in it lay the sun pin. The ones that were meant for my royal guard.
“I have failed you Alina., forgive me” His voice full of emotion whispers out.
I gasp and his eyes open. He scans the room again not seeing me.
Does...does he miss me?
I woke up.