Chapter Text
“Personal Log 2256.42
“Wow, it’s fucking late. Like… so late it’s early. I don’t know why the hell I can’t sleep. Anyway, Mom says journaling is supposed to help us calm down and get ready for sleep, so let’s try it. I doubt it’s going to work.
“Let’s see… today was the Kobayashi Maru. Holy fuck I hate that thing. I doubt it was actually an honor, like they said, to program it. I bet it was punishment for hacking it that one time. Still, if I hadn’t hacked it, we’d be stuck with that awful version that you couldn’t win, like, at all. That’s just being defeatist, not something we want to teach our captains. Pike agrees with me, at least.
“Anyways, all the admirals were there, so that was just super. I still have no clue if Admiral Marcus knows Davey is his grandson, but if he does, he doesn’t let on. Not that I care, I don’t want that asshole anywhere near my son. He told me I did good work today, and I kind of wanted to punch him. I didn’t though, so that’s a good thing. I actually do want to hit captain before I’m 40, so punching admirals is, as Spock would say, inadvisable. Or is that unadvisable? No, inadvisable. Unadvisable isn’t a real word. I think. Eh, I’ll ask Bones tomorrow. He might know. Not asking Spock though, don’t want him to think I’m a moron or something, not knowing proper words in Standard and all.
“Speaking of Spock, he watched Davey for me today. Bones had an exam, because fucking everyone has exams today, so I asked Spock, and he said yes. I think Bones was surprised. It’s the first time I’ve left Davey with someone other than him or Mom or Pike since… ever. He says I may be getting over my ‘trust issues’ or whatever. Or that I might be touched in the head. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean that second bit, he just has to rib me whenever I do or say anything about Spock. It’s his new hobby. He still doesn’t seem to like Spock, but he doesn’t hate him either, which I’m gonna take as improvement.
“Davey still adores Spock, so he was happy to have him all to himself for the day. Spock took him to the science museum, and taught him all about the history of computers. If we’re not careful, my boy is gonna be a hacker before he’s five. If that happens, I blame Spock. Totally not my fault, even if the first time I hacked Mom’s computer I was four. I was bored, and I knew she had some really awesome games on it.
“Right, back on topic. Spock. Davey. Those two are fucking adorable together. Davey told me that he hates it when everyone else calls him David, but it’s okay when Spock does it, because “he means Davey.” And Spock said it would be his pleasure to watch Davey for me, which is Spock-speak for “I’d love to watch Davey, Jim, but I’m too repressed to show that much emotion.” I think he knows how big a deal it was for me, letting someone else watch my kid. But, it’s weird, but I’ve never had a problem trusting Spock. Even Bones I had to get to know, but I’ve sort of trusted Spock from day one. Hell, I let the guy under a broken replicator with me and trusted him to know what he was doing- within minutes of meeting him! And, well, it took me a whole year of knowing Bones before I let him be alone with Davey, but I’ve only known Spock for four months. I don’t know why I trust him, I just… do.
“And that scares me. It scares the hell out of me, because… I don’t trust people. I haven’t, not since Tarsus. I trusted Kodos, and look what happened. Bones told me once that ‘trust issues’ was on my psych eval, and he’s been trying to help me get over this whole ‘no-trust thing’. But nothing he’s done is working. I tried, I really did, but… I just don’t think people can be trusted, not right off the bat. If you trust too easily, you just get burned. That’s something I’ve learned time and time again. You’d think, after Frank, after Tarsus, after Carol, I wouldn’t let anyone in ever again. And yet, here I am, letting Spock closer than I even let Bones, and Bones is more my brother than Sam ever was.
“Sometimes, I wonder if I should just take a job off-planet, screw waiting for the Enterprise, and start over. Because if I wait, if I stay, Bones and Spock… they’re gonna leave. They’re gonna leave, and it’ll be just me and Davey again. And… I don’t want to see that. I… I don’t think I can take watching Spock leave me. I don’t want to watch that. I should… I should leave first, before he gets the chance. But it’s silly. I don’t want to. I… I want to believe he won’t vanish like Sam or Carol.
“Fuck. I’m too tired for this shit. Computer, delete recording.”