Chapter Text
As soon as they arrived Sam made it his task to cook a nice meal for Peter and everyone else too. Mr. Stark called Pepper to let her know they were okay. She told him she was on her way back and would arrive soon. After that he let Dr. Cho know that it was safe again to come to the tower.
He arranged for Happy to be transported back here too. Peter felt the gnawing guilt in his stomach when he heard that Happy wasn’t ready to be transported yet but would be as soon as he was stables enough. Peter called May and told her what happened. She told him that nothing had changed with Ned. Even more guilt overcame him.
Sam served dinner. Peter had a giant plate of noodles and many vegetables in front of him. His stomach almost turned. Well he didn’t have a choice. If he didn’t want to worry Mr. Stark any further he would have to eat it all.
He took one bite after the other. He fought the nausea. It hadn’t been that long since he ate, why was his body acting like a complete idiot?
„So do you know when Happy will be back?“ Steve asked casually.
„No not yet. Hopefully by the end of the week.“ Tony informed him.
Peter almost dropped his fork when the pictures of a bloody Happy flashed before his eyes.
„We Should make him a get well soon card!“ Sam suggested thoughtful.
„And a Gift!“
„Yeah in form of a big paycheck.“ Rhodey threw in the round. „How many times did he almost die now?“
„You are probably right. I owe him a lot.“ Tony noted sincerely. „A card would be pretty nice though, I‘m sure he would love that. Especially if Peter makes it, what do you think kid?“
Peter gulped he was still staring down at his food not daring to look into the others eyes.
„Kid?“ Tony asked again worry evident in his voice.
„Yes. Sorry I‘m a little off.“ Peter apologized.
„Okay I think you had enough excitement for today. Get some rest you look like you haven’t slept in ages. It’s past bed time for little spiders anyway.“
His head snapped up in surprise. He could feel fear creep up inside of him. He didn’t want to go to bed. Because as soon as he closed his eyes the nightmares were hunting him.
„Spiders don’t have a bedtime because they don’t sleep. They only rest.“ Peter tried to smart his way out of this.
„Well then it’s good for us that you are only half spider. The sleeping part still counts for you, so off you go.“
Pete grumbly got up from the table.
„Good Night Kiddo.“ Tony said his goodbye fondly.
„Get some rest kid. Tony is right you sure need it.“ Steve joined in.
„Bye!“ Sam greeted.
Peter gulped hard he was at the edge of panic now. Bucky gave him a friendly nod. Peter took a deep breath and left the living room. He slowly walked to his room. He stared at his perfectly made bed for a long time before he turned his back on It and instead walked out on the balcony.
He sat down and watched the stars. His thoughts drifted off to Happy and Ned. His phone didn‘t show any news from May. He decided to call her anyway. He needed to hear her voice. He wanted to be reassured by her. It didn’t take long before he heard her warm voice. He was filled with warmth instantly. He didn’t know how she did it but even her presence or voice were enough to calm him down.
„Sweetie? Are you okay?“
„Hey May, we managed to free them all. Everyone is okay. We are back at the tower now.“
„I‘m glad to hear that. You sound exhausted honey you should try to get some sleep.“ He thought about telling her. In front of her he didn’t have to appear strong. But he didn’t want to worry her. She was busy enough already. So he just gave a defeated: „okay.“
„Okay Hun. I will come by tomorrow and take you home. Then we can relax and watch some tv and you can tell me everything that happened. How does that sound?“
„Really good.“ Peter let out an unsteady breath to keep the tears at bay.
„Okay sweetie, I‘ll see you tomorrow. I larb you.“
„Bye May. I Larb you too.“
The call ended and Peter pulled his leg closer to his body, allowing his head to rest on his knees. He fought the sleepiness until he couldn’t anymore and unconsciousness engulfed him. As soon as he had closed his eyes, the nightmares started.
The next morning he woke up just as exhausted as the night before. It had been a restless night with both bizarre and terrifying dreams.
The guilt in his belly had turned into a permanent feeling.
He stayed in his room until May arrived. With a quick goodbye he rushed out of the building and into the car. Tony didn’t know if he should feel hurt or worried about the kids behavior. He probably just was happy to see his aunt nothing more. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something else was going on though. He would ask him the next time he saw him.
Peter enjoyed the evening with May. He sat on the couch cuddled at her side watching some harmless Disney movies were no blood or other traumatizing things were shown. Jap those would be his new favorite movies. No Flashbacks, no freaking out, No uninvited thoughts. Just peaceful songs and Happy Ends. Sadly there was no Happy End in sight for him.
He told May what happened but kept pretty short on the details. The next few days got worse and left him exhausted beyond relief.
Peter felt like a walking body, the lack of sleep and food had resulted into a constant migraine that seemed to worsen with each day. He felt always nauseous and could barely look at food, let alone smell or eat it.
He just felt miserable. He was so tired of everything. Mr. Stark and May kept asking him what was wrong, but he couldn’t tell them. He couldn’t tell them how weak he was. They would be disappointed and he couldn’t bare another look of disappointment towards him. He knew he should talk to someone about it but it was so hard.
He didn’t go to the tower anymore and just texted Tony short answers to his texts, ignoring his calls. He was surprised the man hadn’t shown up at his door yet. He probably tried to give him some space what he was glad for. He also hadn’t visited Ned or Happy yet and he hadn’t called MJ. He really should call MJ. He had promised her to call.
May looked more and more worried. He heard her talking to Tony over the phone many times. Well Tony must have accepted that Peter wouldn’t answer his calls and had instead started to call May. They both seemed to forget that he had super-hearing. He could hear May’s voice way back to his room.
„Eh yes no I don’t think he has been out in the suit again. No don’t just come over here. No he didn’t say anything to me. I don’t know why he is avoiding you.“ He could hear her whispering. He felt bad for worrying Tony and May but all he wanted was to avoid everyone that would remind him of what happened. „No he still hasn’t visited Ned. I know that’s not good! But what am I supposed to do? Drag him there? I keep trying to convince him to go see him but he doesn’t want to. No I haven’t told him about the schools memorial service yet. Because I don’t want to upset him! He is not really emotionally stable right now! I promise I will tell him just not right now.“
Peter had heard enough. He took his headphones out and put them in shutting everything else out. So there was a memorial service at his school. He knew he should go. He wanted to pay his respects to the victims. He sighed. Why was the right thing always so damn hard.
He took out a note pad and started writing down a few things.
-go to memorial service
-talk to Tony and May
-call MJ
-visit Ned and Happy
He sighed when he looked at the letters in front of him then he added.
-get help
He felt like crap. He had to figure out how to get passed all this. Tony might be able to help him. he had been through some traumatizing stuff too and he seemed to handle it pretty well. Peter knew that Tony has had a drinking problem in the past but he was clean now so he had overcome it.
So it was possible. He just had to find out how. Attending the memorial might be a good start. He thought to himself. he would call MJ tomorrow and ask her if she was going.
Two days later May drove Peter to the school where the memorial service was going to take place. Many people where already there. He recognized families of some victims. They were crying sharing their pain with other affected family members. His stomach tightened at the sight. Slowly he got out of the car, May was close behind him. together they walked towards the crowd of people.
At the schoolyard were dozens of candles lightened. Between the candles were beautiful flowers spread all over the Place and in between they had positioned the pictures of those that had been killed. Under the pictures were many that he recognized but one picture made his heart drop even deeper.
There was the smiling face of Mr. Harrington. He hadn’t seen the teacher during the shooting. Bile rose up his throat. He had liked Mr. Harrington. He had always been kind and helping. A little awkward and weird sometimes but all ways kind. He counted 36 victims in total. So many lost souls.
He felt the nausea crawl up his throat again. May had an arm around him and tears were falling down her face. They stood there and looked at the pictures in silence.
Peter felt MJ’s presence before he felt her hand slip into his. Her touch caused his heart to beat out of his chest. He turned his head to look at her. She gave him a small smile that he returned before they direct their attention back to the principal that had climbed the podium. He squeezed her hand gently trying to give her some sort of comfort.
„Dear Family and Friends. It pains me to speak to you under such tragic circumstances. We mourn with all of you that lost a dear one. It's not fair that we have to say goodbye to so many wonderful people but I want you all to know that you are not alone. We will support you mentally and financially. Thanks to an anonymous donor, we are able to cover the costs of medical assistance and funerals that may be required.“ Peter looked up sharply. Anonymous donor? A 100 Bucks that Stark had something to do with that. Gratitude for the man filled his heart. He would call Stark and thank him when he got home.
„This school had the privilege to teach some of the most brilliant minds Queen has to offer and we will miss them very much. Their absence will always leave a big hole in our hearts. They are gone but not forgotten. If anyone of you no matter if Parent, sibling or friend, needs to talk to someone the school has social workers that are more than happy to help. Please do not hesitate to use their services. We will now lighten the lanterns and let them fly symbolic for the souls that are now free. Michael Williams will accompany us musically with the song: Go rest high on that mountain. Thank you.“ the principal left the podium and one of the seniors took his place. Peter had seen him multiple times during his time at Midtown.
The music started to play and Michael’s soft voice soon joined in. Every word was a painful stab into Peters heart. As his soft voice swept over the crowd, everyone lightened their lanterns. Soon the place was filled with bright light. May lightened hers while MJ and Peter shared one. MJ lightened it and together they held on to it while they waited for the others to lighten theirs. When all the lanterns shined bright, Mr. Morita let his own fly, giving the signal for the others to join in. Carefully MJ and Peter guided the Lantern up and let it go. Together they watched as it took off, joined by many others. Soon the dark sky was enlightened by their warm light, banishing the darkness. It was a beautiful sight that reminded him a lot of the movie Tangled. Just as powerful and stunning.
The atmosphere was thick with emotion and he let himself be engulfed by it, allowing the tears to fall freely. He didn’t have to look over to MJ to know she was crying too. He didn’t mention it though. He knew she didn’t like to show weakness so instead he put his arm around her and pulled her closer to give some comfort. She leaned her head on his shoulder. To his left he could hear May sniffing. He took his free and hand and took hers reassuring. All together they watched the lanterns fade away.
Now the only light was given by the many candles. The song ended and for a few more minutes there was only silence. Silence that honored the fallen. It pained him to watch all those people cry. Knowing that he has had a part in this.
Would they ever forgive Spiderman for failing them? Could he ever forgive himself for being too late? Right now it didn’t feel like it. He let his gaze wander over the mourning people when a figure caught his attention. The man was dressed in black trainers, including a baseball cap and sunglasses. He knew those glasses. He excused himself and silently made his way over to the man, careful to not disturb anyone.
He stopped next to the man looking at the people in front of them. After a few seconds he let his gaze fall back on the man. „Little dark for those, don’t you think?“ He mockingly referred to the glasses.
„They Are serving their purpose. Didn’t want to attract unwanted attention.“ Tony looked down at Peter with worry in his eyes. „It’s a touching ceremony.“
„Yeah. Thank you for your donation to the school.“
For a second Tony looked like he was going to deny it but one look at Peter and he knew there was no point.
„Well it’s not my money.” Peter looked at him questioningly at that statement.
“It’s yours. The money you keep refusing to take for working in the lab with me. I thought this is how you would like to invest it. So it’s actually you that’s helping them.“ Mr. Stark was trying to ease his guilt and Peter knew it. It was very thoughtful of the older man, if possible his respect and love for his mentor grew even more.
Peter felt tears build up in his eyes. He was deeply touched by the love of the man that he didn’t feel he deserved.
„Thanks.“ was all he could say to that without losing it.
„How are you holding up kiddo?“ Tony had noticed the tears in his eyes, his voice ever so softly.
Peter let out a long breath. „I’m not great, but I‘ll get there. Coming here was the first step.“
Tony nodded in understanding.
„You know you can always come to me. No matter what.“
„I know and I’m sorry I didn’t call you the last days. I just needed a little time for myself. I will come to you when I’m ready...I just need a little more time.“
Tony smiled at him warmly. „Okay.“ They looked at each other with watery eyes, love evident in each of their gazes. Suddenly Mr. Stark cleared his throat, he changed his voice into a lighter tone and with a sniff he added: „I can wait. No problem. I am a very patient person.“
„No you‘re not.“ Peter stated not unkindly. “You hate to wait.” He blurted out in a scoff, glad to change to their usual lighthearted banter. „Pepper is patient. You are far away from it.“ Peter tried to hide his smile but failed miserably. Tony’s heart skipped a beat when he saw it. He felt his heart warm up at the fact that he had managed to lighten the kids mood.
„That is absolutely...true. She managed to stick with me for years after all.“
„Yeah someone should give her a medal for that.“
Tony huffed and took his hand to his heart, acting as if he was hurting.
“Now you are just being mean and I blame the hormones for that:” It made Peter giggle. Encouraged by the kids reaction he continued. “Lucky for you, I just finished reading my guide in dealing with hormone-driven teenagers.”
“Did you? And what does it say?”
“It says to ignore it and not take it personal.“
„Smart book. Looks like you are getting the hang out of this whole parental thing.“
„You think?”
“Sure.”
“So am I getting a medal at pro parenting now?“
„Sorry May already got that one. Maybe she will share hers with you one day if you keep practicing.“
Tony fondly looked down at Peter before answering softly. „Yeah. That would be nice.“ He cleared his throat and left the awkward emotional atmosphere.
„May is a good role model. I will ask her for tips.“
„You do that. I go back to May and MJ. Thanks for coming and for everything else.“
„No problem. See you later?“
„Later?“
„Dinner at our place.“
„Right. May must have forgotten to mention that. Guess I‘ll see you later then.“
He gave a quick wave before he went back to the other two. The ceremony was over soon after that and people slowly left. Some stayed to talk to one another. But Peter felt more like leaving.
„Have you seen Ned yet?“ MJ asked softly. She had put his hand in hers again.
Peter swallowed heavily. „No. you?“
„Yes. I like to go and just sit there and sketch or read just to keep him company when his family can’t be there so he‘s not alone you know?“
„That’s really nice. I‘m sure he appreciates it.“
They were interrupted by someone joining them. It was the person Peter had least expected.
„Hey guys. How are you doing?“
Peter’s mouth dropped in surprise.
„As Good as it can in a situation like this.“
MJ answered honestly since Peter still seemed star struck.
„Yeah me too. How Ned is holding up?“ Flash asked quietly. Peter was still too perplexed to answer so MJ continued to answer. „He is still in a coma they don’t know when he will wake up.“
„That sucks. I assume his family is at the hospital right now?”
MJ and Peter nodded.
“Can you tell his family that they are welcome in our house anytime? It’s only five minutes away from the hospital and therefore much closer than from their own home.“
„Like…really? Your parents wouldn’t mind?“ Peter couldn’t shake the feeling that Flash’s parents didn’t know about that generous offer.
Flash scoffed before he answered bitterly. „No to mind they would have to care enough to actually be at home for ones.“
„I‘m sorry.“ Peter really did feel sorry for the bully. He had always known that he was a jerk because he had some kind of family problems but this just sucked. Peter might have lost three Family members but he had always known that they loved him.
„No need to. Just let me know if they need anything.“
„Thanks we will...“ MJ gave him a light smile.
„Yeah thank you.“ Peter agreed sincerely.
„Yeah.“ Flash muttered under his breath looking slightly absent. With one last look and a ghost of a smile he walked away. He seemed a little lost. Being nice was rather new for the bully so maybe that was why.
MJ And Peter didn’t say anything about it after he left. Instead he walked her to her father’s car.
They said their goodbyes and MJ got in the car after he had promised her to call the next day. Him and May got in their own car and silently drove off.
„Were you able to figure everything out with Tony?“ May asked casually. Peter wasn’t even surprised she knew about that.
„We agreed that you and Pepper deserve a medal for holding up with us.“
„Well Pepper deserves one, I have an easy job. You are always nice to be around with.“ she smiled fondly eyes focused on the road ahead. „Speaking of Pepper and Tony, they invited us over for dinner. You in the mood to go?“ May carefully asked.
Bonding with Tony earlier had been really nice he hadn’t noticed how much he had missed it.
„Yes. I think that would be really nice.“
May happily drove them to the tower. It was in restoration but it seemed as if the normal everyday life had returned. It didn’t look completely empty and dark anymore.
When they arrived Peter was pulled into a tight and comforting hug from his mentor. He buried his head in the man’s shirt and sucked in the men’s smell. It made him feel safe and home.
Mr. Stark held him away at arm’s length to get a better look at his mentee.
„You look better.“
„I feel better too.“ Peter agreed.
„That’s good to hear.“ He smiled down at Peter adoringly.
„can I have a hug too?“ Pepper appeared in his view. A big smile covered her mouth as she opened her arms inviting. Peter returned the smile and went over to accept the hug. She squeezed him tight.
„It’s good to see you Pete, I missed you.“
„I missed you too Pepper.“ She let go of him and looked around. „Anyone hungry?“
„I am.“
At the familiar voice May and Peter swirled around. Happy stood in front of the open door leaning heavily against his crutches. He looked bad but nothing compared to when Peter found him.
„Happy!“ May practically ran towards him and threw her arms around him. He returned the hug gladly and buried his face in her neck.
„I‘m so glad you‘re okay!“ she cried out.
„Yeah I‘m still healing but the doctor allowed me to join you for dinner.“
„That’s great!“
Peter didn’t know what to say. He was so unbelievably relieved to see Happy standing again. He could still see fainting bruises in the man’s face. He also had a bandage around his head. And an even bigger one around his leg. But all together he looked okay. May took a carful step back looking at him. The man’s gaze fell on him and Peter thought his heart would jump out of his chest.
„Hey Happy.“ He greeted awkwardly unsure what else to say or do.
„Hey kid. Come here.“
Peter hesitated for a second but went over to the man anyway. Happy pulled him into a hug without missing a beat. „Thank you.“ he whispered into Peter’s ears. Peter swallowed hard trying not to think about the last time he had seen the man. „I‘m glad you are okay.“
Happy let go of him and gave him a sincere smile.
„Well I think it’s time for dinner. Take your seats everyone.“ Pepper cheerly called out, walking into the kitchen. Tony clapped his friend on the back fondly as he and May guided him to the table and helped him sit down.
Peter joined them at the table a little uncomfortable. He sat at the head of the table. Next to him May and Tony had taken their seat. Pepper had joined Tony at his side of the table and Happy had the seat next to May.
Peter avoided any eye contact with Happy. He felt guilty for his behavior but he just couldn't look him in the eye. He didn’t know what tricks his mind would play with him if he looked at the man for too long. He wasn’t ready for any flashbacks or hallucinations.
He wasn’t ready to see the pictures his dreams wouldn’t let him forget. Even though It had gotten worse the past week from the constant exhaustion and lack of food, he had a good day today without any incidents.
He knew his body was coming to its breaking point. His hands were trembling at a level he could barely hide it anymore, he was very unfocused and jumpy, he felt constantly dizzy and if he ate too much, it almost always came right back up. Happy‘s presence didn’t help his nerves and trembling. He looked at overfilled plate of food. The smell of it made his stomach turn and a wave of nausea washed over him almost making him gag. Peter already knew he wouldn’t touch the food. He only needed a good reason why.
„Okay everyone I want to pronounce a toast on Happy and his fast healing! So glad you are finally out of the hospital and with us again.“ Tony announced and everyone raised their glasses, Peter looked dreadfully at his full water glass. Careful not to spill any of it, his shaking hand lifted the glass up.
„To Peter, without whom I wouldn’t be sitting here today.“ Peter made the mistake to look at Happy. Everything came down on him at once. The picture of Happy’s bloody face, his wheezing breath as his lungs filled with liquid, his fluttering eyes closing in a final matter. Peter shut his eyes closed and shook his head slightly to get rid of the memories that swarmed in on him like the unforgiving waves on a sinking boat. When he opened them again hopeful to have everything back to normal, there was still blood running down Happy‘s lips and over his chin, dripping unto his plate. His nausea reached a new level where he feared he would heave up his insides. A loud crack and the following sharp pain in his palm tore him out of it.
„Peter!“
„Pete?!“
„Sweetheart what’s going on?“
„Honey?“
He heard their scared voices and looked equally surprised as shocked at his hand.
Shards of glass bore into his skin coloring his hand dark red. His eyes widened. There was blood on his hand. Again. Why was there always blood on his hands? First Uncle Bens, then Ned's then Happy's...
He pulled in a sharp intake of breath. An agonizing ringing sound that outplayed every other sound in the room started to maltreat his sensitive ears. Everything became too much. The lights, the horrible metallic smell of blood, he started to wheeze. His body was going into hypersensitive mode. He had to leave. Now.
„I‘m sorry.“, he gasped out and clumsily shot up, throwing over his stool in the process. He didn’t care, too focused to get away and get some air into his failing lungs. There was blood on his hands! Blood from dozens of people and children he had failed to save. 36 people that he knew the faces off now and would never be able to forget. That’s what he always did. He failed the people around him, and worse he failed the ones he cared most about.
He stumbled into his room and into the bathroom leaving a trail of blood behind. He felt bile rise up and he threw himself over the toilet. Nothing but acid came up. He felt the familiar burning sensation that came with it. He unsteadily got up to his feet and almost fell down again. He stumbled over to the sink.
He couldn’t bring himself to get bothered by the burning pain in his throat and lungs. He rinsed out his mouth before he let the cool water run over his hands, the blood mixed with the water and turned the whole sink red. Peter had to gag again from the horrible metallic smell that filled his nose, his trembling had somehow increased and made it nearly impossible to hold his hands still under the water. Tears of desperation and frustration filled his eyes. He had to get the blood off! It just wouldn’t go off! His panicked, dazed and exhausted mind didn’t realize it was his own blood anymore. All he knew was that his hands had looked exactly like this after he carried Happy and Ned. After the paramedics had taken his uncle out of his arms. Mr. Harrington’s blood. There was coming more and more blood. The blood of every innocent soul he had failed. He started to rub his hand frantically, the glass splinters deepening his wounds resulting into bleeding more. The sink had turned into a gruesome bright red.
„Get it off. Get it off. Get it off.“ Peter whimpered deliriously the lack of air not helping his state.
Suddenly he felt the weight of a warm hand on his arm, he jumped in surprise.
„Pete, stop.“ a gentle voice appeared next to him.
He looked up and saw Tony standing beside him. He hadn’t heard him coming in.
„But I have to get it off.“ he whimpered brokenly.
Tony carefully swiped the wet tears off his cheeks. Peter hadn’t even realized he was crying.
„I‘ll help you.“ Tony assured him and carefully took his bleeding hand into his own and began to wash it off gently.
„We have to get the glass out of the wounds. Can I take you to the med bay?“
„No!“ Peter shook his head frantically. „I can’t go there. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.“ His hands dig into his hair and scalp. His nails and the glass left scratches in his soft skin. his breathing sped up again. He smeared the blood into his hair and face and panicked even more. The world started to swim. He knew he would lose consciousness in less than a minute if he didn’t calm down but how could he calm down if all he ever did was failing!? He kept hurting and losing people.
„Okay Easy kid breathe! Follow my lead.“ Tony started to take deep and slow breaths. Peter adjusted his breathing to Tony’s. He slowly calmed down.
„No med bay understood. Can I try to get out the glass and bandage you up?“
Peter sniffed but nodded.
„Okay. Come one let’s sit down.“ He helped Peter to the floor. „I‘ll get the tweezer quickly, don’t move.“
Peter didn’t have to be told twice. Exhausted he leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes to blend out the blood that was smeared everywhere.
Mr. Stark grabbed the first aid kid and the tweezer and was beside him a few seconds later. He carefully started to pull out the glass. Peter, barely felt it. He just kept his eyes closed. He felt Mr. Starks gaze on him every now and then but it wasn’t until he was finished with cleaning and wrapping up his hand before he spoke up.
„Pete?“
Peter opened his eyes and looked at his mentor. Tony was taken aback from all the pain and desperation in the kids eyes. Just now he realized the ghostly grey skin tone and the deep and dark bags under his eyes. How hadn’t he noticed until now? This was his kid for heaven's sake!
„What happened down there?“ his voice was soft and concerned. „What’s going on?“
Peter felt tears dropping down his cheeks again.
„I...I‘m sorry...I didn’t mean to…to break the glass...I...I will replace it.“ Peter hiccuped. He knew Mr. Stark didn’t care about the glass. He just tried to stall the conversation they were about to have. The conversation he was not ready for.
„I don’t care about the glass but you know that. I care about you and I want to help you. But I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s going on.“ Mr. Starks voice was still calm.
Peter stayed silent. His mind desperately tried to find the right words.
„If you don’t want to talk about it with me, that’s okay, I understand, but then I want you to talk to a professional...“
„No!“ Peter interrupted him quickly.
„I...I want to tell you, it’s just...“ Peter’s breathing picked up again. „What if you...What if you don’t like me after I told you? What if you see me differently?“
„Pete,“ Tony‘s voice had reached a new level of softness, but it was also underlined with great worry. „There‘s nothing you could ever do that would make me think any less of you.“
That seemed to ease Peters anxiety a little. He sighed defeated.
„I‘m just so tired Mr. Stark. I’m so tired.“ He hated how his voice broke at the end, his tears rolled down his face freely again. „I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I... I see things...horrible and terrifying things, when I‘m somewhere or with someone that brings up certain memories. Every time I close my eyes, nightmares come to hunt me and make me relive what happened. That’s why I haven’t slept properly in over a week now. I tried to handle it, I tried to be brave like you, like the other avengers, because I really really want to be tough like you but I keep failing because I’m so damn useless. I’m useless and I‘m a wreck. I feel miserable 24/7 and I just can’t take it anymore, I feel how my body is slowly falling apart. I don’t know how long he will keep up with this.“ He could see the pain in Mr. Starks eyes at his words, he could see the empathy and worry. But Mr. Stark stayed silent giving Peter the space he needed to go on, cause he knew there was more Peter needed to get off his chest.
„I can’t visit Ned, my best friend because I feel so damn guilty. I let him down and my mind keeps showing me this horrible picture of him in my arms bleeding out. Just like I keep seeing Happy covered in blood and dirt and..., I feel their blood on my hands even now...when I look down at them, I see blood everywhere...their blood is on my hands Mr. Stark!“ his hands started to shake again and he made fists to stop it, the pain in his bandaged hand grounding him. „I was supposed to save them! I should have been there to save them! But I wasn’t! I wasn’t there when they needed me the most Mr. Stark, and its hunting me.“
Peter finally looked up into the man’s eyes. „It was my responsibility to save them! and I failed. I failed them, like I failed my parents and my uncle. I failed everyone! It seems like I‘m doomed to end up alone.“
„Peter! That is not true.“ Tony interrupted his panicked rumbling. „You didn’t fail anyone. You tried your best and you did good.“ Tony‘s voice broke a little. He gently stroke the kids cheeks with his thumbs.
„You did so incredibly good Pete.“ Tony softly repeated. He wiped away the tears that kept coming from the kid, not caring that his own face was strained from the salty water too. He could see the fear, the pain and the despair in Peters eyes.
Tony pressed the struggling kid tightly against his chest. He felt the kids tears falling down unto his neck.
„I just want it to stop. I want everything back to how it was...but what if it’s too late? What if the damage is done and can’t be fixed? What if you can’t fix me??“ His voice was full of fear that it broke Tony‘s heart. He had no idea how bad Peters PTSD had become. He had suspected that Peter was having some form of it but never had he thought for it to be this bad. His kid looked so miserable, so lost and it hurt him deeply that this child had to go through so horrible things in his short life that he struggled with severe PTSD symptoms.
„Pete...“ Tony gently began to speak again. „You’re whether weak nor broken. You are just hurt and vulnerable right now and that’s okay. You didn’t fail anyone and no one is disappointed in you. You tried to save everyone, you did your best but sometimes, bad things happen no matter how hard we try...sometimes we can’t save everyone and to accept that is probably the hardest part of our job.“
Tony felt his own tears fall down into the kids hair. „Peter you saved the avengers! You found Walker and Ross and most importantly you proved your strength when you spared his life. You aren’t weak, you are incredibly strong. You are stronger than I could ever be and I am so damn proud of you.“ he cradled Peter closer to his chest as he said those words.
He could feel Peters tears tickle down his skin and dampen his shirt.
„It’s completely normal to react to such traumatic experiences. And I am the worst example when it comes to dealing with trauma. It’s hard, and it won’t go away overnight but with the people you love around you, you learn to live with it. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Sometimes you will feel like drowning, like life is pushing you down and you will feel like you’ll never gonna get up again but you will, because that’s what you do. You keep fighting and you get back up no matter how hard you fall.“
Peter looked up with those adorable brown puppy eyes that held so much hope and trust inside. Tony felt his heart jump at the knowledge that he was the one that it was directed at.
„You are Peter Parker the greatest kid I ever met, even the greatest kid on earth! Okay I heard that every parent thinks their child is the greatest but it’s really true.“ Peter abruptly sat up, his face an image of surprise.
„Yes Pete. You are my kid. We are family and May and I will do everything we can to help you. I will always be here to catch you when you fall. Always.“ Peter buried his face in Tony’s chest again. Tony felt amazed by the words he had finally said out loud. He had felt this way for a long time but he had never put it into words, it felt silly now that he waited so long to say it. But it was all true. He really loved the kid like his own. He placed a kiss on the kids hair and let his head gently rest on the boys head. They sat there for a long time, Tony just holding Peter, comforting him. Tony felt Peters rips alarmingly good through his shirt. He had to get some food into the child.
„We should get you checked up. I can call Helen to come up here so you don’t have to go into the med bay. Sounds good?“
„Yes.“ Peter answered croaky.
„Fri? Please send Dr. Cho into Peter’s room.“
„Yes Boss.“
„how is Happy? Is he angry? He was being very sweet and I just freaked out and ran away...“
Tony sighed and shook his head. This kid.
„He would never be angry at you Pete. He was confused like the rest of us but when I explain it to him he will understand.“
Peter nodded in acknowledgment.
Dr. Cho came a few minutes later and started the check him up. She wasn’t too happy with how he had worn down his body. Who wasn’t? She made him a diet plan to get his eating habits back to a normal and healthy level and ordered him to bed to catch up some sleep and get his body some rest. Peter gulped hard but nodded.
Tony seemed to feel his anxiety and offered him to stay. Peter thought for a second if he should say no to keep just a little bit of his pride but he quickly banished that thought. What could be safer than having Tony Stark aka Iron Man watching over you when you were sleeping? Those nightmares wouldn’t dare to even put a foot inside his subconscious.
To Peter‘s surprise Tony didn’t just sit next to his bed, he lay down next to him and pulled Peter close so that his head rested on the older man’s chest. The slow rhythm of Tony’s heart beat lulled Peter into sleep quickly, and for the first time in over a week Peter slept through the whole night without any nightmares.
„I‘m not ready to go see him!“ Peter almost shouted in panic.
„I think it’s important for you to see him. It will help the nightmares when you see him clean and taken care off instead of bloody and dying.“
Peter put his head into his hands. He knew Tony was probably right but he was scared.
„You don’t have to go alone. I‘ll come with you to get you out off any hallucinations you might have.“
„Really? You would do that?“
„Of course.“
Peter smiled thankful at the man who just nodded encouragingly. “Okay.”
The next day Tony and him drove to the hospital together. They were led to his room where his mother was sitting next to the bed Ned was currently sleeping in. She looked up when he heard the door open and got up quickly when she saw Peter.
“Peter! My dear boy, it’s so good to see you! How are you?” She looked at him concerned.
“I’m okay thank you. How are you doing?” He answered politely.
“We are doing as good as we can in a situation like this.”
Peter nodded in understanding.
“I’m sorry Ma’am, do you think you could give as a minute?” Mr. Stark asked nicely.
“Yes of course, I will get something to eat.” With that she left the two alone. There he was lying. The rising of his chest the only evidence that he was still alive. Many different tubes were coming out if his Body. Peter tried not to look too closely at them.
He got closer to the bed slowly, Ned’s breathing was evenly. When he was directly beside him he carefully touched the other boys arm.
Suddenly Ned’s eyes flew open. They were cold and lifeless. He firmly grasped Peters wrist. „You did this to me. This is all your fault.“ blood splattered out of his mouth. „Your hands Are full of our blood. You did this.“
Peter jumped and looked down at his hands horrified. They were dark red from the sticky and warm substance. The Metallic smell filled his nose and he heaved, suddenly there was a firm hand on his shoulder.
„It’s not real Peter.“
Pete looked up, to see Tony next to him. he looked back down at his hands and they were clean. No blood on them. He looked over to Ned who was still peacefully asleep.
Peter let out a shuddering breath. „thanks.“ He couldn’t express how grateful he was for the man.
„Anytime kid.“
Peter smiled thankful at the man then he turned his attention back to Ned. He walked closer to the sleeping boy and sat at the edge of the bed. He could feel Tony close behind him. His hand grounding on his shoulder again. Peter finally realized how much he had missed to see his best friend. He carefully took Ned s hand into his own. For a while they just sat there and it felt so good.
From that day on he went to visit Ned almost daily. In the beginning Mr. Stark always accompanied him. But the hallucinations didn‘t come up again, so he started to go alone too. MJ joined him sometimes. They would sit next to each other talking with Ned. Though MJ did most of the talking. Peter didn’t feel comfortable enough yet.
Sometimes she would shift closer to him so their bodies touched. His breathing hitched every time she took his hand. His mind not able to form around the thought that she liked him. One time he heard the door open and he could almost feel the smile of Mr. Stark Before he silently closed the door again.
It wasn’t until three weeks after the shooting until Ned finally opened his eyes. „Peter.“
Peter felt the nervousness taking over. The dark brown eyes bored into his own.
„Hey man.“ Peter’s voice was shaking nervously. He gave his friend a weak and tired smile. Emotions started to well up inside him. The guilt and fear threatening to overwhelm him. The fear that Ned would hate him.
„Ned I...I am so sorry. I should have...“
„Dude, what Are you apologizing for? You were totally awesome! You have to tell me everything!“ Ned’s eyes beamed with excitement.
Tears filled Peters eyes. Maybe there was redemption for him. They would be okay. He would be fine. As Tony said, it was going to take time, for them all to heal but they would get there and they would be fine.