Chapter Text
You wake up on the sofa, sprawled and aching. Gingerly you open your eyes, peeking out from under your eyelids into the bright light of the morning sun. You turn your head slightly, confused for a moment as to why you are lying naked on the sofa with multiple bruises blooming over your pale skin when you see Jake, head in hands, sitting on the coffee table, wearing only a pair of crumpled shorts. Then it all comes rushing back and you fail to stop the blush suffusing on your cheeks and can feel the tips of your ears heat up. You move to sit up and a shooting ache throbs from your rear so you slow down, wincing at the pain in your lower back. At your movement Jake lifts his head, wearily, to stare at you with darkened eyes and an anguished face.
‘Dirk, I-’ he starts, before shaking his head as if to clear it. Instead he reaches for your abandoned towel on the floor by his feet and hands it to you, which you gladly grab and use to cover up your privates, immensely aware of how naked you feel without your shades, of how pale you are, how freckled your skin is, how thin compared to Jake’s tanned muscle. Your mind races, trying to think of something to say, but in all honesty you are at a loss as what to do. Jake attempts to speak again.
‘Look, I am so, so very sorry,’ he says, his voice low and cracking on the last word. His eyes are downcast and his shoulders hunched.
‘I should have never- never- touched you like that and-’ he falters again. He stands up suddenly and you have to crane your neck to see his face, only to have his eyes avoid yours.
‘I, I should leave’ he says and turns to walk away. Your eyes widen in surprise and your heart clenches painfully in your chest- Jake, leave? He couldn’t go, couldn’t leave you. Without thinking you lurch to your feet and call his name, taking a step forward before your legs buckle beneath you without warning. Pain bursts from your lower back and you feel raw. Curses spill from your lips as you hear Jake calling your name frantically.
‘Dirk, dear god, are you okay?!’ Jake has turned back to you, crouching besides you with his hands fluttering uselessly in front of you, unwilling to touch. His eyes still won’t meet yours, instead perusing your body with anxiety.
‘Jake’ you say, your voice raspy and unused ‘don’t go’
He stops his search and looks up to you, his eyes finally meeting yours, vivid green, wide and bare.
‘Dirk, no, there’s no way I could stay, not after what I- what I did’ he says, firmly and still so sad. You start panicking, what would you do without Jake? ‘I forced you, I took what wasn’t mine to take, I –I hurt you’ he says, motioning to the blood spots on the carpet which you haven’t even noticed.
He leans forward, his whole body tense,
‘Tell me, dirk, please say that I wasn’t- I didn’t-’ he falters for a second before his voice goes very quiet ‘please, tell me I wasn’t the first’
Your eyes widen when you realise what he’s asking and your blush resurfaces with a vengeance. Honestly you have no fucking clue what to say, yes, he was the first, as you’d hoped he would be for a long time. Of course you can’t fucking tell him that. But your silence seems to be enough and he stares at you for a moment, before sighing and hanging his head.
‘Jesus fuck’ he spits, rising swiftly to his feet again and viciously kicking the side of the sofa, moving it a couple of inches away. ‘I am so sorry, I- arg!’ he exclaims, his hands rising to pull at his ruffled black hair. ‘I can’t believe I took your- your- shit! I had no right! I have to go, I forced you and fuck!’ he’s garbling now and once more turning to the door. You panic again and stagger to your feet ignoring the sharp pain that shoots up your spine. The weakness in your legs is harder to ignore as you stumble forwards after him, calling his name, and you have to grip the arm of the sofa to stop you falling again, the other hand clutching at the shirt covering your crotch. He isn’t listening to you and getting close, so close to the door- you know that you’ve got to tell him that he didn’t rape you- but then your secret would be out, your heart laid bare for him to trample over. You rush to think of something else to say to stop him but end up yelling over his rambling
‘You didn’t force me!’
The loud shout that bursts from you shocks the both of you and for a second he stills, his hand frozen mid-reach for the door knob.
‘What?’ he says. You take a steadying breath and wish so hard that you could take those words back in, but it’s too late now, and you could never, ever, let Jake leave thinking that he’d raped you.
‘You didn’t …take me by force’ you say simply, watching him stare back at you. It takes all your will power to not turn and run, and you’re hardly holding yourself up, your hands shaking and your heart beating somewhere up in your throat.
‘But, but I remember,’ he looks at you confusedly, his hand dropping back to his side ‘I pushed you down and held you there and-’ you cut him off
‘Yes, you did, but I….I wanted it’ you say, your mouth dry and when he goes to talk again you talk louder
‘I could’ve tried harder to stop you, but the only reason I was fighting in the first place was because I didn’t want you to not want it... And then I was too selfish, I’m sorry’ you mumble, and to your shame feel your eyes watering- you don’t cry! Not now, not ever- especially not in front of Jake. But to your dismay he rushes forward and grabs you by your shoulders, shaking you slightly
‘Don’t ever say that! You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing!’ he says and you wonder if he actually listened to what you just said
‘Jake!’ you scowl but he ignores you, still vehemently insisting that you are completely innocent and it’s making you angry, because you know you are partly to blame and your ire suddenly wells up and you slap him. Hard.
‘Fucking hell Jake!’ you snarl up at into his shocked face ‘didn’t you listen? I said I wanted it- wanted you! I love you, okay! Love you!’
Whoa, back the fuck up. What in god’s name did you just say you complete and utter idiot? There is a shocked and pregnant silence, in which Jake drops his hands from your shoulders and you lift one of yours to cover your mouth, silently staring up at him with wide eyes. Fuck.
After a beat of silence you panic once more and surge forward, taking his lips in yours. His part in surprise and warm air rushes from him to you and your eyes slide shut. You lean forward, your hands coming up to cup his jaw and you gently nudge his lips with your tongue, tentative and suddenly shy now that your initial rush has all but drained. You’re really making a fucking mess of things. You sigh into him, and begin to pull back, dread filling you but to your surprise his face follows yours, his lips now moving beneath your own, and his hands, ridiculously large compared to your slim, long fingers, are moving to circle your waist. Your heart flutters madly in your chest and feels like it could grow wings at any moment might break out of your chest to soar up, up and away. You smile against his lips and pull him closer, forgetting your aches for a moment as your mind races.
Your legs choose that moment to give way again and you crumple for a moment, your lips slipping from. Thankfully he manages to hold you up and he blinks at you in surprise, looking completely bemused. He gently moves you, so that you can gingerly sit on the arm of the sofa, wincing slightly.
‘I, what-’ he starts but you laugh at him
‘Come here you idiot,’ you say, pulling him back down by his dog tags and searing your heart when you brush your lips against his once more.