Chapter Text
Adam is a man of many talents. The pastries he makes are amazing, but the food he makes is just as good. The other moves so freely in his kitchen. He looks so comfortable cooking but it’s in a different way than when he bakes. Baking is clearly his form of relaxation but cooking seems to create a sense of joy for him. It has him moving around the kitchen almost like it’s a dance. It’s nice to watch Adam in moments like this when he is so comfortable and open.
“I dropped out of university my first year,” Eric blurts. It has been sitting on the tip of his tongue for days now. Adam had been so open and honest and Eric wanted to reciprocate. He wanted to open up to Adam but it was so hard. He didn’t talk much about his years in university. There had been a lot of work put into being able to talk about it, but that didn’t mean he liked too. The reactions he gets are usually negative as well so he often doesn’t share this part of his life.
Adam simply hums in answer, pushing around the green beans in the pan and pulling it away from the flame to flip them around a bit. Eric doesn’t continue though. The words are a bit stuck in his throat. They are sitting there and he wants to let them out. He wants to tell the other about his life. He wants to let the other in on the good and the bad.
Adam seems to notice that something is off. He takes this moment to whip his hands and turn around, moving forward to lean against the island separating the two of them. “University isn’t a big deal,” Adam shrugs. He is trying to brush it off. Eric knows he is trying to help, but it isn’t. The words don’t calm his nerves because this isn’t just about the school work but the crap he went through his first year.
“I moved back home for a while after that. I ended up going to university locally and living at home.” This is not what he wanted to talk about. He wanted to talk about the why. He wanted to open up to Adam.
But it wasn’t going to happen. This wasn’t the time. The words weren’t coming out. They aren’t going to come out right now. Adam notices that. He can sense something and he places his hand on Eric’s, giving his a squeeze. “We don’t have to get into it now. This isn’t an ‘I show you mine, you show me yours’ kind of thing. I understand how hard it is to open up.”
Eric can’t help the sign that leaves his lips. It feels nice to know Adam isn’t going to push him into this. He is going to let Eric open up on his own time. “I want to tell you but it just-I can’t. I know I’ll get there though. I want to get there. I’m just-every time I get there, the person leaves. They don’t take my stuff seriously.”
Adam leans over and presses a soft kiss to his lips. “I’ll wait as long as you need and I don’t plan on going anywhere.” Eric sighs, happy and content as the timer goes off behind them. This is new. This slow place is something he hasn’t had before. He couldn’t be more thankful for Adam’s understanding. The fact Adam is patient and kind is refreshing.
“Thank you.” He shouldn't have to say it but he does anyway. Adam simply shoots him a smile and goes to open the oven. The chicken smells delicious and wonderful.
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Eric falls backwards onto Otis’ bed with a frustrated sigh. Otis is rummaging in his closet, pulling out a few outfits and dumping them on the bed next to Eric. “I couldn’t tell him.” Eric slaps his hands on the bed, annoyed with himself and frustrated the words won’t come out.
“Why do you think you can’t tell him?” Otis picks up a shirt and folds it nicely, putting in into the small carryon size luggage next to Eric’s head.
He makes sure it if nice and flat, avoiding wrinkles while he travels before he moves to a new shirt.
“I don’t exactly have the best track record with asshole guys not taking my shit seriously.” It’s easy and simple, but Eric knows that is goes deeper than that. Adam wasn’t one of those asshole guys. He used to be one, a long time ago, but he wasn’t now. “They always run away at some point.”
“But that doesn’t mean Adam will run away.” Otis says it like it is the most obvious thing in the world. It usually means that it is obvious though and Eric agrees. He was pushing all of his past shit onto Adam, but he needed to separate this. He needed to realize that Adam wasn’t going to run away. If he ran away than the relationship wasn’t supposed to happen.
Eric sighs again and rolls onto his side so he is facing Otis. The other is still busy packing his luggage, making sure his clothes are neat. The attention is still on Eric though as he glances at the other with a small frown. “Why do you think he will break it off?”
The question is simple enough, but Eric doesn’t have an answer for it. He still doesn’t know Adam, not this Adam. The problem is that he knows the Adam from school. The Adam who used to shove him into lockers and take his money. The Adam who used to make his life miserable. The Adam who kissed him and then left without another word. Eric had always hoped that he would send a letter at some point. He shouldn't get his hopes up though. That was the beginning of his hopes being crushed.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up only for them to be crushed...again.” It’s a simple answer. He has spent years getting his hopes up over guys and then getting them crushed. He thinks that Otis is the only person who hasn’t crushed his hopes, but then he thinks back to school when he broke his promise on Eric’s birthday. It was something common in his life and he could only get his hopes crushed just so much. “I don’t want to get them up so he can just leave. I’ve made that mistake before.”
Otis hums next to him, putting a few miscellaneous bags into the luggage before pulling the top over and zipping it up. “Why do you think he is going to crush your hopes?” The questions are so straight forward. Otis doesn’t beat around the bush and Eric thinks this is probably what he is like with clients. He used to be so much more nervous and anxious. There was always a hesitation when he was talking about relationships, but now he was so confident in his abilities. Otis always knows what questions to ask so Eric can work through his emotions. Eric thinks it is because that is what Otis does, but he also thinks Otis just knows him and knows how he has to talk through all of this.
“Because they all do. Adam always did when we were in school.” Eric had always had hope for him. There had always been this feeling in his gut that told him that Adam was going to be okay one day. He was going to be able to express himself without shoving people. He was going to be able to accept who he was without making it a statement of rebellion from his father. Eric’s hopes had been crushed for most of that (and a future with Adam) when the other had left.
The thing was that they really hadn’t been. It had just taken years for Eric’s hopes to come true. It has taken years for Eric to see him again. It had taken Eric years to see Adam controlling his emotions and finding outlets that weren’t about violence and anger. The hope had not been ill placed. It had simply taken longer than expected.
“But what about now? I thought you said Adam changed.”
Eric shoots the other a glare and flops back down. “Fuck. I really like him.” The hopes are already up. Eric doesn’t know how this will turn out, but he has a feeling that Adam will get it. He hopes that Adam will get it.
“Your hope had always been one of your best traits.”
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Eric is sitting next to Adam on his couch. It is warm and cozy and he is curdled up to Adam’s side with a blanket over them. The other has his arm around him, head leaning against the back of the couch with his eyes closed. The movie is playing in front of them, but neither of them are paying attention. Adam is tired after working overtime without the help of Angelica. Eric is simply unable to concentrate on the movie as thoughts swirl around his head.
“This movie reminds me of my sister,” Adam whispers. The words are sudden and quiet. They startle Eric a bit as he sits up to look at the other, leaning his arm on the back of the couch. Adam has his eyes open now, glancing at Eric for his reaction.
Eric has never heard the other talk about his sister. There had been one comment, brushed under the rug and never spoken of again. It had been a conversation for another time that Eric was never sure would happen. Eric can’t even remember a time during their school years that the other talked about a sister. He can’t remember a time the headmaster talked about a daughter.
“Why is that?” Eric settles on. He doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. He doesn’t want the other to stop talking, stop opening up about this time of his life. He still doesn’t know much about Adam’s childhood, but he figures a story about his sister would open his eyes.
Adam pauses for a moment as he pulls his head up and shifts so that they are facing each other. He places a hand on Eric’s, which is resting on the back of the couch. The movie is completely forgotten as they look at each other. Eric can’t help but get lost in those dark eyes. “My sister was just like this. She was smart and kind and charitable.” It sounded like everything that Adam wasn’t. The Adam from their school days that is. The Adam now was kind and smart and had a beautiful heart. “She used to spend hours with me.”
Eric can’t help the smile that pulls up his lips as Adam talks about his sister. He looks so happy reminiscing about her. It clearly brings back some good memories for him. “She seems like a wonderful person.” Eric had been the oldest in his family and he remembers playing around with his younger sisters as much as he could. They had grown so close when Eric was older and completely out to his family. He remembers shopping with his sisters and showing them how to do makeup. They were all good memories.
“She was a wonderful person.” The use of the past tense has Eric furrowing his brows as he tilts his head. There are only two reasons that Adam would be using past tense. She was either not part of his life anymore, as in they had a falling out, or the other had passed away at some point. He was hoping it wasn’t the second one. “She passed away when I was eight.”
Eric can’t help the frown that pulls down his lips as he watches the other. It is clear that it still causes him pain. There is a sadness in Adam’s eyes that Eric doesn’t think will ever go away. He doesn’t know how it could when you lose someone who is so important to you. “I’m so sorry, Adam.”
“She was hit by a car. It crushed my family and it was never the same after that. My dad was never the same after that.” Eric reaches forward, placing his other hand on Adam’s cheek. He rubs his thumb across the other’s sharp cheek bone, brushing away a few stray tears that have slide down Adam’s cheek without his permission. “We used to play hide and seek all the time. She always found me, but would make a big show of looking in crazy places just so I would laugh. She actually covered for me once when I feel out of a tree and broke my arm. I wasn’t supposed to be climbing it so she said I tripped so my parents wouldn’t find out. She was everything….and I was nothing compared to her. She got amazing marks. She was going to Oxford and one the rowing team. She was part of a million clubs. She was going places.”
Adam takes in a deep breath and Eric shifts closer and moves to pull the other closer to him, wrapping him in a hug. “My dad never thought I could amount to be anything after she died. She was perfect and I wasn’t. He made sure I never was. I stopped trying to impress him after a while because I knew it would never work.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Eric whispers, holding the other tight. The tears that are streaming down his cheeks are heavier now. They reflect so much sadness and pain from both his sister and his father. Eric wonders how many people he has told about this. He doubts many. “She sounds amazing.”
“I miss her so much. She would have been able to fix everything.”
“It’s ok,” Eric whispers. “It will be ok.”
They stay like that for a long time. Adam falls asleep in Eric’s arms, tears dried on his cheeks and arms wrapped tightly around Eric’s waist. He looks so peaceful and content on the couch, curled up right next to Eric. Eric can’t help but brush a few hairs aside. This whole story has given him so much about Adam. It seems crazy how such a small story can reveal so much, but it explains so much of Adam’s behavior as a teenager. It doesn’t excuse it, but it does explain it.
“Fuck. I think I love you,” Eric whispers, moving to press a kiss on the other’s forehead as he gets himself as comfortable as possible on this couch and tries to fall asleep.
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Eric takes a deep breath when he gets home, a smile on his lips. The door is cold against his back, but it doesn’t matter. He can’t help but think about his day. It had been more than he could have asked for. It had been one of the best days of his life actually.
Adam had taken him out of town for the day, leaving the place to Angela. He had stayed up nearly all night making enough pastries for the morning just so he could get away for a few hours with Eric. They had gone to a quaint little town just a half hour away. Adam had done some research and took him to all the local attractions and found a cute little restaurant on a lake. The food had been spectacular. The views had been amazing. The kiss at the end of the night still had Eric’s lips tingling with excitement.
The phone startles him out of his daze and he fumbles around for a moment until his hand wraps around the device in his pocket. He doesn’t look at the name as he holds it up to his ear, a quick hello leaving his lips.
He expects it to be Adam. The other had said he would call later and Eric knows they only separated a few minutes ago, but he can still hope. Instead he hears Otis’ voice on the other end.
“Why do you seem out of breath?” Otis asks, skeptical. Eric simply laughs at the question. The whole day had left him out of breath and wanting. Adam took his breath away in a way he never thought possible, especially since this was Adam they were talking about.
“I think I’m in love,” Eric says. They’ve been dating only a few weeks, boyfriends for nearly three, but Eric knew. He knew that Adam was the person he was waiting for. It was fucking stupid, but it made so much sense. It all came full circle. “Fuck. It was like I knew it was Adam all along. My relationships before just seem so insignificant.”
“I assume your date went well today.” Eric chuckles and nods his head, pushing himself off the door and heading over to his couch. He sighs as he falls back on it, still dreaming about today.
“Fuck yeah. That asshole is so romantic. I can’t believe it’s the same Adam from our school days. He is so mature now. He has really worked on himself and it shows in everything he does.” Eric thinks about Adam opening up to him about his mother. The other had made it clear he was in therapy, has made it clear since that he still sees someone biweekly. He had explained that he was constantly working on himself. He has mentioned that he still has symptoms of PTSD that come up as well. “He has grown so much.”
“Do you really think this is going to work out?” Otis asks. It hurts a little that he doesn’t have faith in the people Eric’s picks, but Eric is notorious for picking the wrong people. He thinks it had to do with Adam though. The universe had been waiting for him and Eric had always picked the wrong people because he hadn’t met the right one yet. Well, he hadn’t met this Adam yet. Eric thinks he had always known it was going to be Adam though.
“I know we have a rough history but we’ve talked through a lot of it. I’ve forgiven him. He is making up for it constantly. I think I always knew I was waiting for him. It’s so fucking stupid but I can’t help but think I was supposed to meet him again. We were supposed to happen.” He probably sounds crazy. He knows this sounds a little crazy. Eric believed in a lot of things but destiny had always been something he wasn’t sure about. Was it destiny to have Adam kiss him and leave? Was it destiny for his university roommate to drive him out of school with his cruel words? Was it destiny to take time off from university? Was it destiny to have guy after guy dump him? It was cruel destiny if it was destiny at all. Eric doesn’t know if he believes the crap in his life was destiny, but he thinks this might be. “I think it is why I sabotaged all my relationships.”
“I wouldn’t call it sabotage...at least not all of them.” Otis was probably right. Eric had been happy with one or two of the guys and those relationships had ended mutually. The other’s Eric had never been invested in. He wouldn’t open up but would constantly want attention from them. It was a weird cycle he got himself in for a while. It started after he left his original university and took some time off before he went back.
“I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter at this point. I think it all worked out.” Otis sighs on the other end and Eric knows what is coming. He knows the other has heard this before. Eric can’t deny that he has said similar things about other guys. The one thing he can say is that he has never actually told another guy that he loves him before. Otis is the only person who knows who he claims to have loved. Eric never told his boyfriend that he loved them, even if he had felt it at the time. Those feelings were so insignificant now though.
“Just be careful.” Otis knows he had been hurt so many times before. The other was the one who walked him through all his heart aches. He was the one picking up the pieces that Eric left behind. It wasn’t going to be like that this time though. “I just don’t want you to get hurt again.”
“I won’t.”
The problem is that there is something in his gut telling that is impossible.
------------------------------------------
Eric takes in a deep breath and the words leave with his exhale. “I dropped out of school because my roommate raped me.”
They’re in the middle of the sidewalk. Adam’s hand is holding his firmly and confidently. The restaurant they’re going to for a quick lunch is only a few more steps down the road. Adam had been talking about his morning in the bakery when the words had left his lips.
Eric doesn’t know why this was the right moment. He doesn’t know why the words decided to leave his lips now of all times. They hadn’t been talking about anything very important, just chatting about their days. It had just hit though. The comfort he felt with Adam made the words tumble from his mouth. This normal comfort he felt with Adam had solidified that he could trust this with Adam.
“What?”
The word comes out in a short breath as Adam stops in his tracks. The person behind them nearly runs into them, but Adam reacts quickly and pulls him aside. They’re looking at each other now though and Eric can see the pity and sadness that are reflected in Adam’s eyes. It makes him want to stuff the words back into mouth and forget about this.
“I’m sorry-I just-...nevermind. Lets just go to lunch.”
The only problem is the Adam doesn’t move. The grip on his hand is firm and warm. Eric has to take in a deep breath as he walks the few steps back to stand in front of Adam again. “Never be sorry for sharing something like that.” The words are soft, firm. They have gratitude filling Eric’s heart.
Eric lunges forward in a searing kiss. It seems to startle Adam, but he is quick to wrap his arms around the other’s waist and pull him closer. Eric only pulls away when he hears a particularly loud person making a comment about public displays of affection.
“Fuck. I’m in love with you.”
The words just leave his lips. This doesn’t usually happen. Eric is usually a little more compassed now. He tries not to blurt things like that without thinking. This was different though. This was Adam.
“I-I love you too.”
Eric places another kiss on Adam’s lips, quick and soft before he pulls away. He reaches to grab the other’s hand again, smile pulling up his lips and lighting up his eyes. He can’t help the warm feeling in his heart. He hasn’t felt this good in a long time, not with anyone. The only thing that can even compare is that time in biology when Adam’s hand had touched his, so unsure and gentle.
“I love you and you can tell me anything.”
Eric lets a sigh leave his lips. He shoots the other a smile and gives him a little tug as they start walking again. He passes the little restaurant they were supposed to have lunch and continues toward the park. He is in the mood for a walk now, just enjoying Adam’s company.
“It was two months into university. The guy had been an asshole the whole time, calling me terrible shit. I was already on the verge of dropping out. Apparently you have to sit down with your roommate before you can switch rooms. I had no intention of doing that. The thing is that I was going to toughen it out. I was going to finish the semester and just transfer to another school. He came home drunk though. He was so aggressive and he overpowered me. I stayed in my room for weeks. I didn’t talk to anyone. My parents still don’t know. They definitely have an idea, know something happened, but I’ve never told them. The only people who know are Otis and my therapist. I’ve told other guys about the names and the teasing, but I don’t usually tell people about the rape. They think I’m weak.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Adam wraps his arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer as they head down the pathway. Eric can tell he means that. There is sympathy in his eyes and Eric can’t help but be thankful he doesn’t see the pitty anymore. “You’re the most confident person I know. I could never think you’re weak.”
Eric shoots the other a soft smile and presses his lips to his cheeks. “Thank you.” He wants to ask the other not to leave. He wants to beg him not to leave like the rest. He doesn’t think he has to though. He doesn’t think Adam is going to leave.
---------------------------------
“No.”
The words sting and Eric takes a step back from the other. Eric thought they had moved past this stage. They don’t fight. They haven’t fought. He doesn’t like the tone in the other’s voice. It reminds him of that Adam from school. The Adam who used to shove him into lockers and take his money.
“What? Why won’t you come to dinner?”
“I’m not meeting your parents,” Adam snaps. He watches as Adam opens and closes his fist, taking in deep shallow breaths as he tries to calm himself. He hasn’t seen this Adam in a long time, not since his father showed up outside of the bakery. It shows him that Adam still has his moments. It shows him that there is still part of the Adam he knew from school in there. This Adam just knows how to control his anger better.
“Why? I don’t understand. We’ve been together for months now. I want them to meet you.” Eric tries to keep his voice even. He wants to be in control of this conversation. He doesn’t want to give his hand to the other.
“I don’t do parents.” The words are tense. Adam is grinding his teeth. He looks like he is ready to storm off, but Eric thinks he might save him the trouble. He was not going to let Adam have the last word. He wasn’t going to let Adam win this time. He wasn’t going to tell Adam how much it hurt that he didn’t want to meet Eric’s family.
“Fine. Don’t then,” Eric snaps and he is quick to turn around and head out the door. He slams the door behind him and rushes down the stairs. He holds back the tears as he steps outside, taking in a breath of fresh air. “Fuck.”
He hurries down the street. He just wants to get home and curl up in bed for the rest of the night. He might even break out the rest of the ice cream that’s been in his freeze for a few weeks now. He hasn’t found a need to break it out in a while, but today was different.
The fight with Adam hurt so much more than he expected, but they had already said ‘I love you’ to each other. Eric thinks that is why it hurt so much more than he expected. The other was supposed to love him, but he didn’t want to meet his family. He didn’t want to be part of one of the most important parts of Eric’s life.
He remembers the conversations with Otis well. He remembers the doubt that sat in his gut when he had told Otis that Adam wouldn't hurt him. There was a chance they would fight. Eric knew they wouldn’t have the perfect relationship. It was imperfect from the start, all those years ago in school. Eric didn’t think it would hurt this much that Adam refused to meet his parents.
“Adam doesn’t want to meet my parents.”
Eric doesn’t remember dialing the numbers. He doesn’t remember calling Otis. It was probably just a habit by now. The other was his go to when things went wrong. “Hello to you too.”
“He was very clear about not wanting to meet my parents. I don’t get why! We have been together for months now. We’ve said I love you. My parents are curious. They want to meet him. My sister are bugging the hell out of me. Why the hell doesn’t he want to meet them?”
Otis is quiet for a moment on the other end and Eric takes a second to take another breath. “Do you want me to come over? We can talk about it...or just watch a movie and eat ice cream.”
“Both. All three. Yes.”
Eric sighs as he pushes his front door open. This whole situation isn’t what he imagined. He didn’t think Adam would have a problem meeting his parents. He doesn’t know why the other is so tense about it. “I’ll be over soon and we can talk. Just remember that he probably has a reason and he just isn’t ready to tell you why yet.” He hated Otis sometimes. The guy was too smart for his own good.
“It just hurts that he doesn’t want to share that part of my life with me.”
“I know. I’ll be over in twenty minutes. Do you need anything?” Eric is so thankful for Otis. He knows just what Eric needs to make him feel better, even if his advice is annoyingly accurate.
“More ice cream?” Otis chuckles on the other end and agrees to bring more of his favorite. Eric can’t help the small smile that pulls up his lips. The other always makes him feel better. He does grab the ice cream from his freeze though as the other hangs up. He might as well finish this cartern while he waits for the other.
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Eric keeps himself busy. He tries not to think about Adam. It’s been days and it hurts not to text the other. Eric hadn’t realized how much time he had been spending with the other until he wasn’t with him. They had been together nearly every night for weeks now. It was crazy how much time you could spend with a person and never get sick of them.
The problem was that it left Eric with a lot of downtime after work. He tries to occupy himself going for long walks in the park, but those remind him of the first time they exchanged I love yous. He tries to cook himself dinners, but all he can think about is how amazing Adam’s cooking is. He tries to catch up on TV shows, but he finds them a bit boring without the company of Adam, sitting next to him and criticizing the plot holes.
He just misses Adam. He misses the other more than he thought possible.
He’s just about to go out for another one of those walks that reminds him of Adam when he literally runs into Adam. The other is outside his front door, hand raised to knock. He freezes for a moment when he meets Eric’s gaze, hand falling slowly to his side.
“I-Uh- I missed you.” Eric can’t help the way his heart skips a beat at the other’s words. Adam was so open and honest with him and it felt so amazing. It made Eric feel special. “I-um-.” Adam shifts uncomfortably on his feet and Eric steps aside, opening the door wider so Adam can come inside.
“I missed you too,” he says as the other passes by him. They don’t usually spend much time in Eric’s apartment. He likes Adam’s place. He likes the smell of the bakery. He’s noticed Adam’s place has become more homey since the first time they spent together months ago. It has touches of Eric. It had started to feel like home.
“I- I’m scared to meet your parents.” Eric closes the door as Adam walks over to the couch. The other doesn’t look at him as he sits himself down, rubbing his palms across his pants in a nervous manner. “People don’t like me.”
The words cause a jab in Eric’s heart. He doesn’t like how Adam is talking about himself. It sounds like something he’s heard before. It sounds like something people tell him. Eric thinks that it’s something he heard from his father countless times. Adam still doesn’t talk about him much, but he knows there is a lot of bad blood between them. It mostly involved emotional abuse from what Eric understands.
“My parents are going to like you,” Eric reassures him, taking a seat on the couch next to him. He takes the other’s hand and holds tight, pulling it to him chest. “They’re going to love you.”
“What if they remember.” Eric looks at the other with confusion. He doesn’t know what Adam is referring to. “What if they remember how shitty I was to you in school.”
Eric reach forward to brush a bit of Adam’s hair off his forehead, frown tugging down his lips. “It doesn’t matter because I’ve forgiven you. They know I love you. They know how sorry you are. They know how much you mean to me.”
Adam doesn’t say anything as he looks at the other. Eric can see how nervous he is. He can see how much turmoil this has been causing him. He can’t even imagine how much the other has been worrying about this since this whole thing started.
Eric leans forward and presses a kiss to his lips. “I know it will be fine. I promise.”
Adam nods. “Can we go tomorrow?” Eric smiles and nods his head, leaning forward to press their lips together again.
“Do you have to go back to the bakery?” Adam shakes his head in answer. “I love you.” Adam repeats the words and their lips connect again. Eric takes this moment to swing his leg over Adam’s lap, leaning back a bit to look into Adams’s eyes. He can see the questioning look and Eric smiles at him. They haven’t had sex since that first night. Adam hasn’t pushed him. He hasn’t tried to get him into bed. He knows Eric wanted to take this slow. He knew how much it meant to Eric to do this thing right. Fuck. It just makes him love the other more. It just makes the moment more meaningful as he connects their lips again. Adam pulls him closer, hands wrapping around Eric’s waist.
They spend most of the night in a passionate tangle of limbs, smiles on their lips and love in their eyes. Eric can’t help the happiness he feels as he lies next to the other, curled into his arms. He never thought he would have this, nonetheless with someone like Adam. To think, this was all because of some stupid reunion he didn’t want to go to anyway.