Chapter Text
Okay lying is one of Harry's big no no's but Louis figured this one could slide. How the hell was he suppose to explain having memorized his psychologists personal number without having an episode. He could not let Harry see him in that state.
Louis dialed from the hotel phone praying to god the time difference was not too bad. On the third ring she answered.
"El it's getting very blurry again, I can't tell-." Louis slid down the bed and sat with his knees tucked into his chest. There was a slight ruffling of sheets on the background before he heard her voice again.
"Okay, we're going to take a few deep breaths okay? You're going to close you're eyes and start." Louis did as she told and felt his blood pressure even out to a healthier pace then it was a few moments ago back with Harry.
"Now can you tell me what exactly is blurred?"
"Th-the line. The one that we, no I, set." He let out a shaky breath before continuing, "The yes and no's in a relationship." He felt like he was back with he who must not be named again. Even just saying his name was a fucking trigger in his rougher states, it was pure hell.
"And what triggered this reaction." "I don't know."
He kept his eyes shut as Eleanor sighed on the other line. "Louis, remember I am here for you not the other way around. I want to help you get passed this." Louis took another deep breath, "I'm in a relationship, like a proper one not just for money stuff."
"Go on."
"But he is basically everything I would date for money, he's even older then me by like a decade and it's really hard to see this as a proper thing sometimes. I got him angry and he reacted like the others would but then he rubbed this lotion on my bum and forget what I did. He keeps saying it's not my fault but it is! I'm so stupid, Ni- he was right I screw up everything-"
"Louis you know very well that Nicholas was a seriously disturbed man and everything he ever said or did to you was uncalled for. Nothing you could have ever done deserved what you went through , he is a sick man and his words have no power over you. You are what you want to be."
"I sure as hell don't want to be stupid and bloody mental yet here we are."
"You're not, you called me instead of relapsing again. I am very proud of you for that, it is a big step in this."
Louis sniffled a thank you happy at least someone is proud of him trying to fight his demons.
"But now I am going to suggest you take an even bigger step and talk to this person you are seeing." "I can't, he can't know any of this he won't ever look at me the same and I need for him to not treat me differently. He won't want me if he knows everything."
"Louis Wiliiam Tomlinson your self worth is not defined by your past, if that were true then we all might as well be fucked." Louis sniffled a little laugh, "You're not supposed to curse, you're a proper person with a degree an everything."
"My degree does not define me either Louis, I curse and mess up too. We are all human and we are subject to some faults, they make us the individuals we are today."
Louis stayed quiet thinking over Eleanor's words. Everyone had their faults but his were worse, they had names and prescriptions for his faults. Not to mention he had clearly gained some weight, he could see the rolls of his belly as he sat. He did not have faults, he had deal breaking disgusting stigmas and Harry was too good for him.
"I think you're wrong." "About?" "Me. I'm hardly an individual I'm like a messed up form of a person with too many mental problems not to mention body issues-."
Eleanor cut Louis off with aloud huff, "I need you to be honest with me when I ask this." He was silent on the line a bit afraid of what she was going to ask, the whole 'I need you to be honest' line always was hard answer back to.
"Do you think your partner being rough with you possibly triggered this reaction? Do you think if you discussed these types of things it would be easier?"
And there was the golden question. See he knows he can never have the perfect vanilla relationship everyone wants for him, he's needs the rough passion and firm hand but it was always dancing on the same dangerous line.
Eleanor took his silence as a yes and spoke again, "I think if you two were to continue this relationship you have to discuss the proper etiquette of it. Bdsm is very dangerous and I know you hate calling it that but this is a form of it and I have to stress the importance of communication. He can hurt you by not meaning to and it could end horribly. As two consenting adults you have to have this talk Louis, you know how dangerous this is for you."
Louis had silent tears streaming down his face because he knows, he knows how bad this is but admitting any part dealing with this horrible part of himself was like admitting the bastard had won again. He was still effecting his life even though he was nowhere to near him and had not been in years.
He can't admit everything just yet but he can compromise.
~~~
In the other room Harry was pacing a back and fourth waiting for Louis to finish talking with Niall, that is until he got a call from said male.
"Niall?"
"Hey Harry, I was trying to get a hold of Louis but his mobil is off. Zayn also got an email from Liam from Louis saying he was staying with him for a bit but when I called his home no one answered either.
"Okay."
"What I am saying is it'd be best if you put him on the phone right now." Niall demanded and well Harry was a bit shocked. He figured the menacing bravado stuff would come from Zayn but yet again the blonde lad proved to be something else.
Harry got up from the couch and tip toed over to where Louis was talking and heard him mumble an 'El' before he wandered back to the living area to talk to Niall.
"I was under the impression he was talking to you from the hotel phone, I mean unless he calls you El." Harry sat back on the couch and brought his feet up over the coffee table trying to get comfortable, this was going to be a long talk.
Niall was quick to fire back, "That's his doctor you arse what the hell did you do to him! I swear I'll kill you m'self!"
Harry straightened his back perking up, "Doctor? For what?" After a few beats of silence from the other end of the line he heard some sniffles coming from where Louis was. Any actual doctor would not take a call from Paris, and what person remembers there doctors number?
"Shouldn't you know this." "What?" "I'm not stupid Harry I know exactly who you are and I'm pretty sure you at least have some clue about Nick."
"A bit, just that he was pretty shit to him." "No, pretty shit is not even close to what he did to Louis. Look Zayn's not as nice as I am so if you want to keep Louis safe you have to talk about the shit you guys do. Louis won't bring it up because he just wants to please you but he has specific things you need to be aware of. Talk to him and then have him phone me back on Zayn's."
Harry bit back every snarky remark on the tip of his tongue for Louis sake before muttering a quick bye to Niall.
-
Louis wiped away histears and went to join Harry back in the living area determined to speak to him before he lost his nerve. He took one of Harry’s hands and held onto it for reassurance.
“I have some issues as you can probably tell and in order for this relationship to be functional we need to discuss some of them.”
Harry squeezed his hand urging him to go on.
“As two consenting adults we need to agree on the things that happen and are okay and not okay in this relationship.”
“Okay, like what?” Harry asked, rearranging their positions so they were facing each other.
“Like the rough stuff? Bdsmish things, don’t get me wrong I love it and think it’s great but we haven’t properly talked about it.”
Louis used his free hand to fiddle with the loose hem of the cushions only stopping when Harry placed his hand over his.
“I’ve never really talked about it much to be honest Lou. I just like being in charge of things and it’s just a given if someone doesn’t listen to me they get punished. I don’t really know much about the whole thing.”
“Okay, in short the dom basically calls the shots but they have to always consider the subs thoughts and feelings as well. It’s how we’ve been going for a while basically except we haven’t been really listening to each other’s needs.”
Harry nodded somewhat agreeing, Louis had disobeyed him because he didn’t pay attention to him. They were both at fault in a sense.
“So we just need to work on boundaries, set limits, and communicate better?”
Louis smiled happy Harry was getting it, “Yeah, like I have some things that I have an issue with punishment wise as well.”
“Like belts.” Harry inferred.
“Yes. Belts, canes, whips, and er just extreme things. I can take like paddles but other stuff really freaks me out. I don’t like being hit on my face or chest either, or my hands-“
Harry titled Louis head up so their eyes met, “I would never-“
“Just in case, it just has to be said.” Louis got misty eyes and let Harry kiss away his tears while he continued to talk.
“I can get mouthy too but you have to be patient and if it gets bad it’s usually just because I need your attention. I need constant reassurance or else I get insecure and my mind goes crazy. I need you to take care of me like you would something you love. And I need you to be firm as well because I need it as much as I need the affection.”
“I can do that but you have to help me out sometimes and tell me if I fuck up because I know you won’t unless I force you too. I don’t ever want to send you to the hospital for being too rough.” Harry rested his palm on Louis face sighing when he leaned into it.
“I’ll work on it.” He kissed his palm.
They spent the evening talking a bit more until Louis started to divert any deeper questions onto why he had the specific limits and what not. He dropped to his knees and sucked Harry off to switch the subject ignoring how his joints protested at his crouching.
--
Louis enjoyed tanning in the private pool Harry rented out for their stay. There were no cute waiters but honestly he only had eyes for Harry. He clung onto him when he could and linked their pinkies as they lounged in separate chairs. He was going to be such a lovely bronze color after all the tanning he'd been doing.
Harry was still a bit angry at Louis so he was thinking up ways he could make up for it. He shifted in his chair when he realized the perfect punishment for Louis to know not to pull a stunt like this again.
"I'm not going to fuck you for a month."
Louis shot up from his chair and yanked his pinky away from Harry's angrily. There was no way he could have heard him right.
"Repeat that Haz I don't think I caught it right." Louis waited for Harry to answer him but he played it off and continued to bathe in the sun pissing Louis off completely.
Louis walked over to Harry and sat on his legs jabbing into his sides trying to get a reaction. Harry only stifled a giggle and turned when Louis found his ticklish spot right under his ribs. Louis maneuvered himself so he was know resting with his bum over Harry's crotch. He felt Harry start to harden underneath and smirked.
Not one to be beat Harry reached out for Louis and tugged him forward so their lips could meet into a heated snog. Louis nibbled and tugged on Harry's bottom lip receiving a sharp smack to his bum in retaliation. Harry wasn't going to let Louis get the upper hand.
Louis let out a whine and started to rock his hips slowly feeling each muscle contract as he started to make figure eights above Harry. He really wanted to wind Harry up enough to have him forget his silly idea, because he really needs his cock. He was serious when he said nothing would satisfy him after Harry's dick.
The chair beneath them started to squeak as Harry gripped Louis' hips and helped him rock back and fourth slowly rising as well.
Louis reached behind himself yanking Harry from his swim shorts not really caring if it made him look desperate. Harry liked when he was gagging for it anyway.