Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“What are you doing here?” Jinyoung moved from the door. Had no energy to hear out an actual reply.

“You sent me a message saying how you wanna break up with Jackson and you think I would just sit at home and let you?” Jaebeom said as he entered the house and closed the door.

“I don’t want your counseling,” Jinyoung muttered and went directly into his bedroom.

“I’m not even in the mood,” Jaebeom said and followed.

They stayed quiet, Jinyoung got into his bed and pulled the cover over him.

“Are you not gonna say anything?” Jaebeom said and laid down on the other side of the bed.

“Why do you look so happy?” Jinyoung asked instead.

“What do you mean?” Jaebeom pressed his lips to suppress his smile but he couldn’t. He was happy, he has not been this happy since for a long time now.

“You know exactly what I mean.”

“You kinda stole my thunder, so, well, let’s just talk about you.” Jinyoung turned towards Jaebeom at those words. The lights were still turned on and Jaebeom could see the bags under Jinyoung’s eyes.

“Come on, tell me, lift my mood up,” Jinyoung said.

“Youngjae kissed me and I thought my day couldn’t get any better and nothing can overshadow that but then you messaged with… you know what.”

“Jaebeom. Shut up,” Jinyoung’s mouth was wide open, his eyes wide in surprise.

“Youngjae kissed you? Why?” Jinyoung asked.

“What do you mean why? I’m sexy. I’m irresistible. I’m a great kisser, I can go on and on, you know.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Jinyoung made a face and Jaebeom laughed.

“I confessed and Mark walked in, I swear his timing is the worst, and then I went back home and Youngjae… he just… you know, he came and kissed me.”

“You’re so disgusting, you can’t even say it without a smile on your face,” Jinyoung said and smacked Jaebeom with a spare pillow.

“What? You’re acting like you’re any different. Remember when you flushed down to your neck just because I said Jackson was shirtless,” Jaebeom said and laughed.

“During your cousin's wedding?”

“Yeah and you were pissed that I wouldn’t let you see him when I was facetiming”

“If Jackson and I wouldn’t have ended up together, I would have blamed you, I was so convinced that you don’t want us together and you’re being a dick about it,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I was rooting for you, but what’s stopping you now?” Jaebeom asked lightly and Jinyoung looked at him in confusion.

“Who’re you gonna be blaming now? Now, that you don’t wanna be with Jackson.”

“Don’t say it like that,” Jinyoung said and laid down straight, looking at the ceiling. Different shadows forming.

“How else do you want me to say it? You message was clear, you don’t want him.”

“Jaebeom, don’t play this game on me, I’m not a child.”

“But you sure are acting like one.” Jaebeom said. Jinyoung stayed quiet.

“What are happy endings? How do you know you’re a step closer or further away from yours?” Jinyoung said with a heavy voice. Jaebeom wasn’t sure if it was because he was holding back and his throat hurts or if it was just how the words sounded.

“Are you not happy?”

“I am. I… I truly am so happy, I’ve never been this happy. But it’s just. You know, how when you watch a movie, or read a book, or listen to a song about relationship, they all end as soon as the couples get together. But what happens next?” Jinyoung was talking slowly and softly. Too afraid to be heard. Jaebeom rolled and gave him all his attention. Jinyoung has always liked attention.

“No one tells you what happens next? What happens when you get into a relationship and when romance isn’t the only thing that drives a relationship? Every movie that is about a married couple or a couple who have been together. They all break up. They all fall apart. They all find new people.”

“You’re reading all the wrong books and watching all the wrong movies,” Jaebeom said to lighten the mood, because he has noticed the way Jinyoung’s lips shook when he was finishing his sentence. Then just to make Jinyoung laugh he said, in Bambam’s voice, “Man.”

And Jinyoung laughed. Smacked Jaebeom’s chest with the back of his hand.

“Youngjae does plenty of that, you don’t have to add on to it.” Jaebeom rubbed his chest.

“Your life is not a movie, Jinyoung. This is not a book. The author isn’t writing more characters for you. You have to add and subtract the characters for yourself. I always thought happy endings couldn’t be achieved. Because for it to be an ending, it has to be the ending of your life and it’s not the time. To see if it actually is a happy ending, you have to live through the movie and read through the whole book and get to the end of it to see if it was happy or not.” Jaebeom paused and looked at Jinyoung. Jinyoung was just blinking softly. His face still up. His hands in between his chest and stomach.

“See it this way, when you go back to bed at night, are you happy? If yes, it’s a happy ending. A day is done and you were happy. When you go back to bed at night are you happy? If no, it’s not a happy ending. A day is done and you weren’t happy. Life is all about happy and sad endings. And some days Jackson will be your happy ending of the day and some days I will. Someday Jackson will be your sad ending of the day and someday I will. Some days it’ll be Bambam or Yugyeom, or Youngjae, or Mark. But that doesn’t close the chapter. That doesn’t mean you have to get rid of someone you love. As much as I always want you to be happy, it’s only normal to not be.”

“Youngjae kissed some sense into you.” Jinyoung grumbled

And it was Jaebeom’s turn to laugh.

“Why are you thinking that way towards Jackson?” Jaebeom finally addressed it.

“I… it’s hard. I feel like I’m pulling him down,” Jinyoung said with pure honestly and it stings.

“He said that to you?” Jaebeom asked.

“No, I mean, even if it’s true, he’d never say that to me.”

“Why do you think that way then?”

“He… he’s hardly getting any rest, you know how trainings are, they’re brutal. Then he spends all the little free time he gets on the call with me. Jaebeom, for the first week, I would be up with him till two am or something and then I asked him to send me his schedule so I can see when else I can call and he did. It’s packed. I don’t know how and why he talks to me that late. He gets up at four thirty and is at the gym by five. That means he’s only getting a couple of hours of sleep and that’s not healthy. He is exhausting himself, he’s giving his hundred percent in the training, like he should, but then when is he sleeping? When is he resting?”

Jaebeom understood where Jinyoung was coming from. Jaebeom understood his worries and there were no words he could offer. They both are adults.

“I’ve been feeling absolute shit. Whenever he’s free, he calls me or his parents. His mind is always working working working. I just… I don't want to take his time. I don’t want to be a reason for his fall. I would rather be away from him if it’s for his own good.”

“And do you really want that?”

“I love him, Jaebeom,” Jinyoung said and a tear rolled down the corner of his eye.

“Then think of him. Think of how he would feel if you would just give up on what you guys have? Think of how his mind couldn’t be present at the training. Pain is a… great emotion. And as much as you want to blame yourself, you can’t undo the things you have and haven’t done.”

“I don’t know what to do, I don’t know.”

“Get a schedule for yourself, whatever works with the two of you. Talk before he goes to gym or once he’s out. Talk before training starts. I’ll cover for you at the shop. You can work till late to make it up to everyone, because otherwise the guilt will eat you up and I don’t want that for you either. Just, don’t give on it.”

“I don’t know if it’ll make us happy.”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said softly, slowly, let the name hang in the air. “The man is head over heels for you. He makes you happy and you make him happy and I know, I know you want this reassurance every now and then, and I’m always here to remind you but you have to believe in  yourself a little. You make him happy, so happy, that he would just randomly drop me a message saying just how happy he is. Just a simple ‘Your friend is crazy, I’m so happy’. I’ve never seen you this happy and free. You laugh and you smile and you day dream. The amount of time I’ve caught you just smiling at nothing. Jinyoung, don’t take your happiness away from yourself.”

Jinyoung stayed quiet, another tear rolled down. His heartbeat a little faster and his chest a little heavy.

“He messaged you?” Jinyoung asked softly.

“Yeah, and it makes me happy.”

“But what about when he debuts? His interviews and media tours will start, his work will be twice as hectic, he’ll be twice as busy and I don’t want to be a burden. To be someone he needs to call or things will fall apart. What if… what if he stops missing me? What if I stop making him happy?”

“I hate it… he will literally sue me. He will make sure I’ll never see Youngjae.” Jaebeom mumbled to himself.

“What are you talking about?” that was the first time Jinyoung turned to face Jaebeom.

“Jackson is coming, the day after tomorrow.”

“What?” Jinyoung sat up. He looked down at Jaebeom as if he was lying.

“He… I don’t know, okay. I think it’s a tic-for-tat game for him. He said you surprised him and now it’s his time.”

“Jaebeom, is this a joke to you?” Jinyoung now just looked pissed.

“You don’t believe me?”

“Of course, I don’t. He said his evaluations are gonna start soon and he can’t miss a day. He can’t come.”

“Wow, I can’t believe you trust Jackson over me,” Jaebeom said and fished his phone out of his pocket.

“Here, look,” he waved his phone Jinyoung’s face.

“He said pretty disgusting, lovey-dovey shit that I’ll repeat now. He messaged me three days back and asked if you’re free and I told him that you were. And he said he wouldn’t get a break during his birthday, so he asked if he can get few days off this week and they his agency approved.”

“Jaebeom,” was all Jinyoung said. His eyes wide, his mouth hung open, his eyes fixed on Jaebeom, as if he was sure it was all a joke.

“So, I joked and said that maybe he’s just homesick and he said and I quote, ‘yeah, maybe I’m just Jinyoung-sick’. Disgusting, right?”

Jinyoung smiled, just smiled, bright and happy.

“He practically called you home and you act like I’m the mushy one.”

Jinyoung held his face and Jaebeom let him be. Jaebeom let him cry out his happy and sad tears, his frustrated and self-deprecating tears. Jaebeom loves Jinyoung, he might never say it out loud, but he was sure Jinyoung knows. He has watched Jinyoung always filled with self doubt, always putting himself down. It has always made Jaebeom’s heart hurt knowing Jinyoung just doesn’t believe in himself as much as the rest of them.

Jaebeom wouldn’t say Jinyoung hated himself, or that he wasn’t confident. But with Jinyoung, it was always like he needed reassurance. He needed people to remind him how good he was, he needed people to remind him that he was doing well, he needed people to remind him that things would pass, and that they were all there for him, always.

“Do you want me to stay over?” Jaebeom asked softly after a while.

“Will you?” Jinyoung asked.

Jaebeom laid down again and smiled. Jinyoung turned the lights off and laid down next to him. The curtains were open for the night light to enter.

Jinyoung stared at the ceiling and smiled. Memories rushed back to him. He remembered how Jackson was with him, and they stared at the ceiling like they were looking at stars and Jackson would randomly point at nothing and would make fictitious star-name and Jinyoung would laugh. He found it so ridiculous and funny at that time but now he remembered why Jackson did that.

Jinyoung was having a practically shit day and Jackson just wanted to distract him, even if it was just for the night. And Jackson succeeded, he always had. Jackson in himself, is a good healthy distraction to Jinyoung. Jackson around him has always helped in reducing Jinyoung’s stress.

“What’s your plan for tomorrow?” Jaebeom asked.

“Work and home,” Jinyoung said.

“Let’s go out to get breakfast, okay?”

“You don’t have to see Youngjae?” Jinyoung asked carefully.

“I’ll see him later that day, I’ll treat you to breakfast first, then?” Jaebeom suggested and Jinyoung said yes.

Youngjae was hyper. In all sense the word can be described. Youngjae had this energy that he just wanted to let go off. He went for a run with Mark in the morning and Mark cursed him. Youngjae wasn’t sure what to share with Mark. Mark already knew enough.

“Calm your lips down,” was how Mark greeted when Youngjae came back last night.

It was already eight in the morning and Youngjae has never felt this awake. He just wanted to use all of energy, to exhaust himself. With all that, his mind would always run to Jaebeom and how they could exhaust their energies together. Youngjae would start singing whenever that happened. His body would go hot just thinking about it.

“You will make breakfast because this early morning nonsense was your idea,” Mark said as they entered the elevator.

“Sure,” Youngjae just smiled.

“Did Jaebeom message?” Mark asked.

“Nah, but Jinyoung did, last night, he said that Jaebeom is with him. So, I think he stayed over. Why are you asking?”

“I just want you to calm down, you’ve been so… I don’t know how to say it… so giddy since last night. Like, I don’t know, just slam him into a wall or just let him slam you in one. Whichever way you guys like your business,” Mark said and walked out of the elevator.

“Do I have to get used to this?” Youngjae laughed from behind.

“Just keep it in your pants or in his... don’t show it to me,” Mark said and Youngjae hit his shoulder from the back.

Mark stopped midway and Youngjae hit Mark’s back. “Move,” Youngjae said and laughed. When he turned around he saw someone at Jaebeom’s door and Youngjae just wanted to go back in the elevator.

“I’m here to see Jaebeom, it’ll only take a minute.”

“He’s not home,” Youngjae replied.

“Is he at yours?”

“If there’s something you wanted to tell gim, I can pass on your message,” Youngjae said and Mark looked between them, confused and a little surprised.

“Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?” Youngjae asked poliety.

“Are you… are you sure?”

“Yeah, oh and this is Mark,” Youngjae said and started the introduction. “Mark, this is Nina.”

“Nina!” Mark said and stayed quiet. They bowed respectfully. “If you guys are going, I’ll get going as well,” Mark said politely.

“Youngjae, give me a call when you’re free.” Mark entered Youngjae’s apartment and left Nina and Youngjae alone.

“Do you wanna change?” Nina asked.

“I’m good, I didn’t sweat much anyway,” Youngjae said and they made their way to the nearest coffee shop.

It was awkward, Youngjae wasn’t going to lie. They hardly spoke except for how they both have been. Once they were inside the cafe, Youngjae ordered their respective drinks.

“I was just here to see Jaebeom,” Nina said, her voice lower than Youngjae has ever heard.

Youngjae just smiled, he wasn’t sure what to say and he wasn’t sure why he asked Nina to join him here.

“I don’t wanna be a mistress,” Nina said and Youngjae looked up.

“Jaebeom wouldn’t do that,” Youngjae said softly. If he wanted he could have gone with the rough and defensive tone. But that just wasn’t Youngjae.

“How are you so sure?” Nina said, she wanted to sound a little rough and sarcastic and Youngjae stayed silent for a second.

“He never did that to you even after everything that happened, it’s just not him.” This made Nina go silent. She looked down at her coffee before she took a sip.

“Why are you here?” Youngjae asked and Nina remained silent for another minute. Youngjae wasn’t in a mood to push her to answer. He waited.

“I… He was nice to me, when we spoke again. He was angry for sure, but he was nice as well.” Youngjae understood.

“You want him back?” Youngjae asked.

“I heard you two broke up, I thought that was my chance... I was his first love,” she said with a little authority.

“And you’ll always be his first love, no matter how you treated him, he couldn’t change the past and neither can you. I’m not here to replace you or fill that space you left him.”

Nina looked at Youngjae this time, Youngjae just wondered what was going through her mind. She’s a mother, a single mother, and he was here, chasing after a man she let go off.

“I didn’t mean to do what I did. He was… even in the past and when it all started, he was different. He wasn’t the kind of person he is now. Maybe he changed for good or something. In school, he thought he was the king, he had that confidence, he had that smirk, and an ‘I’ll mess with you’ kind of an aura around him. But, that was just how he portrayed himself to the world. He wasn’t that person when we got together. And maybe I was just chasing that bad boy that when I realized he isn’t all that, it just wasn’t enough for me.”

Youngjae listened. He made a mental note to tease Jaebeom about his bad-boy vibe he had during school life, but it wasn’t the time for that.

“I am not making excuses for myself, I just… I’m not a bad person. I just messed up when I didn’t know what else to do. I never realized how serious he got. When he started slipping away, I started making excuses. I apologized. A thousand times but he… he never forgave me.”

“Nina, I don’t want you to take it the wrong way, but what you did was more than a silly mistake. It was wrong and it was abusive for him. You saw it all from your point of view, but look at it from his, you mentally abused him over and over. You made him insecure, you made him feel like he wasn’t good enough for you. You make him doubt himself, you made him question what he could have done to stop it from happening. That… wasn’t healthy for him.” Youngjae stayed quiet and watched as Nina registered his words.

He wanted her to know just what she did to Jaebeom and not what she thought she did.

“Nina, you cheated, multiple times. But it’s good to know that you’ve realized what you did was wrong. Maybe you don’t understand the impact or density of your actions on him, but at least you understand you did wrong. But you shouldn’t be asking for forgiveness with the mindset of being forgiven. You should be apologizing because you did wrong and you’re owning up to it, it doesn’t give you an upper hand on anything. He’s not bound to forgive you. He has the right not to forgive if he doesn’t want to. Because that’s his call. You did more damage than you can imagine. He will move on but forgiveness is something he needs to feel on his own.”

Youngjae could tell that Nina wanted to speak more, wanted to say something else but then she just pressed her lips and looked down.

“You know, I thought you guys were going strong and then I heard about how you guys aren’t on speaking terms and I was surprised. It never seemed that way, that you two would have a fall out,” Nina said and looked up at him, Youngjae couldn’t read her expression, couldn’t tell where she was coming from, concern or mockery?

“Well, we’re humans,” Youngjae said and smiled. They are stupid humans, just how Jaebeom has called them, but Nina doesn’t need to know that.

“You know there’s this thing Jaebeom once said, we were out one day and we went across this building. Lit up beautifully, you know how night life at posh areas can be. He said that their world looks beautiful, so pretty that it’s almost breathtaking. But you don’t know what goes on behind those four walls, behind those pretty lights. Maybe a couple is fighting, maybe a father is beating his child, maybe a person is cheating on their partner,” Youngjae said and noticed the change in Nina’s expression.

“From the outside, from far away, it all looks beautiful. But if you close up on them, it may not be as good as the whole picture is. Just like how someone from space looks at the earth and goes how beautiful he thinks the world is. But when you start closing up, is when you notice that it’s not all a bed of roses. Same way, sometimes a person need to take a step back, just to look at their lives and to appreciate it.”

Nina stayed quiet and Youngjae continued.

“Because you live the life, no one gets a closer look in your life than you do, and that’s why you know of all the struggle and wrongdoing and bad decisions. But, just take a step back and look at it from afar, to appreciate your own life. To see just how beautiful it is, see it on a bigger scale because at the end of the day, you go back to living the close up version. It’ll do you more good if you just appreciate the beauty. Nina, you have a beautiful child, you have friends, you have the people around you. I’ve seen you with people at the wedding. Just because Jaebeom doesn’t love you doesn’t mean no one will.”

Nina stayed quiet, just like usual. Her posture started closing up and Youngjae prayed that she wasn’t crying. Youngjae wasn’t the best when it comes to handling people who’re crying. But if Nina wanted him there, he would be.

“I’m just… so sorry, so so sorry,” Nina said with a broken voice.

“I think I moved on, because I got occupied with my child, and then there was financial difficulty. I took on job after job, anything I could do from home. My parents practically disowned me, I apologized, and I guess we started becoming a family again. I forgot about Jaebeom. I was angry at him. I thought he was selfish of leaving me in a condition like this. I was pissed at him. I blamed him for everything, that is maybe how I survived.”

She grabbed the tissue and crumbled it in her hand. Just something to hold on to.

“When I saw him at the wedding, I was angry. He looked happy. I thought he was still in love with me and I thought he just asked you to attend so he wouldn’t have to face me alone. Seeing him just made me remember the time we have had and I thought maybe there’s still a chance. Seeing him with you reminded me of how he was with me, at least initially.”

Youngjae stayed quiet.

“I thought he would take me back, with the kid and everything, I just…, there was this guilt in me. It always made me think in the way that if I don’t make things right with him, this will affect my child or the upbringing. And I-”

“You asked him for money, you tried blackmailing him. That’s not how you ask for forgiveness. That’s not kind or moral. Whatever your motive of it was, your actions weren’t great. I understand what you’re trying to say but the path that you choose… that was ungraceful,” Youngjae said kindly and Nina looked down.

Youngjae wasn’t going to let Nina play the victim. That’s what the problem always is, people think too much from their point of view that they forget that someone else suffered because of them. They think too much about their own emotions that they forget that others are suffering as well.

She messed up and even when she realises it, she’s still blaming the circumstances and not her actions.

“Maybe I got a little selfish,” Nina dry laughed, it looked painful.

“You know, someone told me that being selfish is a good thing. Not that you make someone else suffer because of you, but in the sense that it helps you. What you did was selfish but it affected another person. And there’s nothing good about it. Be selfish for your own good, for your happiness and health, not at the sake of someone else’s.”

Nina stayed silent. Youngjae’s phone buzzed and Nina saw it as an excuse to part ways.

“I hope you live a good, happy and healthy life,” Youngjae said and smiled.

“I thought you would hate me,” Nina commented and Youngjae smiled.

“Hate is a strong emotion, I just didn’t like how you handled things but I hope that now, if we ever see each other, we greet each other with smiles,” Youngjae said and Nina looked hopeful. She smiled.

“Visit Jaebeom’s parents every now and then, they like it. It makes them feel involved,” Nina said and Youngjae laughed. They said final goodbyes before Youngjae made way to his apartment.

Once he was done cleaning up he checked his phone and there was a message from Jaebeom.

I’m so sorry, I can’t see you today. But Bambam and Yugyeom are coming over at my place at around fiveish, bring Mark with you, if you guys are free. I really do wanna see you. Let me know, I love you. Bye. Youngjae smiled through the whole message. He felt like a teenager with a crush. It was a good feeling. Hearing such words and reading such words directed towards him. Before he got carried away with his thoughts he dropped a message to Mark and asked him to come by.

He went to his room and let himself think. Think of how it felt when he heard Jaebeom say those words for the first time, how he was so unsure if he was dreaming or hallucinating. Because in his dreams, Jaebeom has whispered the same words, told him he loves him. The dream has always felt real.

Maybe that was why he couldn’t tell at first. It sounded like a prank, sounded like something that was sacred. But when Jaebeom repeated himself, every cell in Youngjae’s body was awake and active. Every cell in Youngjae’s body heard what was being said. Youngjae looked and looked and looked. He wasn’t panicking at that moment but he wasn't calm either. He wasn’t nervous but his heart was beating fast and he knew the reason why.

Youngjae has never spoken about how he felt for Jaebeom, maybe he was too shy or maybe he just never had the courage. It wasn’t much about the rejection, but moreover how he was scared that he would mess things up. Maybe he should let Jaebeom know, for once and for the rest of his life.

“Stop,” Jinyoung whined.

“What?” Jaebeom asked.

“You’re checking the time every five seconds, just say we should go and we will.”

“It’s not like that,” Jaebeom lied and Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

“I feel like a mother who’s keeping an eye on her kid because they keep wanting to run off.” Jinyoung said and stood up.

“You’re just being dramatic,” Jaebeom said and they both walked out.

“Bambam’s already at the apartment,” Jaebeom mentioned and showed Jinyoung the selfie he received from Bambam and Yugyeom.

“We should get there fast before they ruin my house,” Jaebeom said and started walking faster.

“It’s only four you know? Youngjae won’t be there by five.”

Once they reached and Jaebeom entered his apartment, it was dark, curtains drawn, lights turned off.

“Bam? Gyeom?” Jaebeom said slowly and Jinyoung stayed by the door.

“I don’t like this,” Jinyoung yelled into the darkness. His voice a little threatening. And then they heard laughter, more like little giggled and Jinyoung froze.

He took a step into the darkness, leaving Jaebeom behind.

“Jackson?” Jinyoung said in almost a whisper. The laughter continued and then Jinyoung felt a hand slide on his waist and wrap around his torso.

“I’ve missed you,” Jackson’s voice so soft in Jinyoung’s ear.

He doesn’t know who turned the lights on, he doesn’t know who did what next, all he knew for sure was that it took him less than a second to wrap his arms around Jackson’s neck and to pull his close so they’re lips were doing the talking. Jinyoung doesn’t care if the rest of them were watching or laughing, he cared that Jackson was here. He cared that Jackson’s hand slipped into his shirt and was placed on his lower back, that as passionate as it was, Jackson was smiling into the kiss, and that Jackson was pulling him close. He cared that he could feel Jackson’s heartbeat with the way their chests were crushed together.

“Guys, it’s getting disgusting now, stop,” Bambam said from behind them and now was when Jinyoung felt a little embarrassed. He pulled back and looked at Jackson, wondering if he looked just as wrecked as Jackson.

Jinyoung stood next to Jackson and held his hand, he took a step back and hid half of his body behind Jackson.

The rest just ignored them.

“I thought you would be here tomorrow?” Jaebeom asked in confusion.

“Did you tell Jinyoung I was coming?” Jackson asked and Jinyoung looked at Jackson.

“I… No-”

“He did,” Jinyoung said and Jaebeom glared at him.

“That’s why I didn’t tell you I’m coming today, I told Bam and Yug and they’re the only two people I trust.” Jackson yelled at Jaebeom happily.

Jinyoung tugged at Jackson’s hand.

“After you babe,” Jackson said and turned towards Jinyoung, cupped his cheeks in his hands, “You’re on the top of the priority list.”

Jinyoung just laughed and leaned in to drop a small kiss on Jackson’s nose.

“Disgusting, well, as per the deal, I’m taking the old man and Yugyeom,” Bambam said and started pushing the two out the door.

“It is my house,” Jaebeom complained but no one cared.

“Also, kids, use protection. I’ve left some in Jaebeom’s drawer,” Bambam said and Jinyoung wanted to say something but he just laughed because Jackson was laughing.

“Do not do it in my house, especially in my room. Just, I’m begging you guys. I swear Jackson, if you did that, I swear-” and Bambam closed the door.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Jinyoung asked as they both just sat down on the floor.

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” Jackson said. “Also, your messages were concerning, it looked like you’re trying to break up with me.”

“Do you want that?” Jinyoung asked seriously, the playful in his voice was now gone.

“I want you, Jinyoung. I will always want you. I’ll never stop wanting you,” Jackson said softly and squeezed his hands.

“When I first met you, I thought you were only trying to get laid,” Jinyoung confessed.

“Really?” Jackson said and laughed. “I was so nervous when I saw you, after the first meeting I thought I killed my chances.”

Jinyoung laughed in amusement. “Then I just wanted to see you,” Jinyoung confessed and Jackson smiled.

“You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were legit out of my league. Like, an uptight, high maintenance man with high expectations.” Jinyoung shook his head. “I thought you were kind of interested in Jaebeom.” Jackson slyly admitted.

Jinyoung laughed, loud and happy “Why?”

“You looked so protective of him and I thought that you just didn’t want him to be with someone else.”

“I was just concerned, even when Youngjae came, I was just more worried for you guys than I was for Jaebeom.”

Jackson just kept smiling.

“I told Bambam I’d ask you out one day,” Jackson smiled.

“Is that why you dropped by the shop every now and then?” Jinyoung asked.

“I was being so obvious but you just laughed it off.”

“For the longest time, I wasn’t sure if that was just your personality of you were being special to me,” Jinyoung said.

“What do you think now?” Jackson asked.

“That you treat me special but it’s also a part of your personality.”

They both stayed silent for a few seconds and Jackson leaned in to steal a kiss, Jinyoung just pulled him closer.

“Now what are we gonna do?” Jinyoung asked, insecurities always got the best of him.

“We’re gonna love each other and ourselves and the people around us,” Jackson said as if it was the easiest answer in the world.

“I can’t promise to love Yugyeom,” Jinyoung said and they laughed. Jinyoung liked this, having Jackson in his arms, here, with him. But he knew that it wouldn’t be easy, they’ll have to work hard, really hard. Especially Jinyoung, who would need to find a way to be okay with being separated from Jackson.

“When can I come to see you?” Jinyoung asked.

“Whenever you can, my parents are so fond of you and you can always live in my house. They even asked if you’ll be visiting soon.”

“They did?” Jinyoung asked, really confused.

“You leave a good impression, always. Everyone you meet gets so smitten by you.”

“Really?” Jinyoung asked hesitatingly.

“You didn’t know? You have this aura which is just so… I don’t know the word… royal. Like, we can only see you but no one is allowed to talk to you or be near you.”

“That gets lonely,” Jinyoung said and gave a dry laugh. Jackson just kept looking.

“God, Jinyoung! I am so in love with you, it’s crazy.” Jackson squeezed Jinyoung’s cheeks and bumped their heads together.

“Let’s play a game,” Jackson said and pulled himself back.

“What?”

“Let's point out five things we love about each other,” Jackson suggested and Jinyoung laughed.

“Okay, I’ll go first. I love your smile, like, I know you hide it a lot but I love it. And the noise of your laugh. It gives me joy,” Jackson said so softly Jinyoung’s chest felt heavy. But it was a good heavy, the heaviness of happiness. The good feeling in your chest when things are getting too good to be true, too nice to be real.

“What are you waiting for? Your turn,” Jackson said and Jinyoung smiled. It took him a while to get back in the zone.

“I lik- love when you pout a little, unknowingly, when you’re a little confused or when you’re concentrating,” Jinyoung said and smiled.

“I don’t pout.”

“You do, it’s so cute,” Jinyoung laughed.

“Second, I love… it’s less about you, but more how you live- I guess it’s you....anyway, I love your friendship with Jaebeom. Like, I don’t know why, but it always makes me feel so good, like there’s always someone out there for you even when I can’t reach you” Jackson said the last line with a little pain in his voice and Jinyoung rubbed his hands.

“I love how you always know what to say to people, like, you make people feel so special, so loved and so good. You always bring out the best in people, you make them laugh and you make them feel at ease. You make it look like loving is so easy,” Jinyoung said softly and they stayed quiet for a while.

“Third, I love listening to you sing, your voice is so good, it’s so so so good. I love it, when I’ll release an album, I will ask them if I can have a collab with you. I love when you’re singing and not paying attention to anything in particular.” They laughed. Jinyoung never knew that Jackson has paid that much attention.

“My turn, third. I love the passion you have for your work. Like, there are hardly many people I know who gets as excited about their work as you do. Who enjoy their work as much as you do. They see it as learning, something that’s valuable and not just something that’s work. It really inspires me, especially on those low days when I just can’t leave my bed. I push myself because of you,” Jinyoung said honestly. There was times when all Jinyoung wanted to do was stay home, stay in his bed. No motivation for anything, he still went to work, hung out with his friends but it just wasn’t the same how it was now.

Now he gets excited for the day, not only because he would get to talk with Jackson again but also for work, for meeting his friends, for being around his people.

Jackson smiled, he looked shy and then proud. And Jinyoung wanted him to know just how Jinyoung was of him. Just how much he wanted to see Jackson achieving all his dreams.

“Fourth, I like how you’re always taking care of everyone. Not in… not in a bad way or parental way but more in a… more in a you way. Because you’re observant. Because you noticed how Youngjae doesn’t have a chopstick, so you gave him yours. Because you noticed how Mark’s busy with work and tried to take a sip of water from his empty glass and then you refill it without him asking. Because you do and never expect things or recognition in return.”

Jackson started noticing such things within a month, how things were different. How Jinyoung always went out of his way to help others. How small things like those attracted Jackson. When Jaebeom would just fall asleep on the couch and Jinyoung would cover him up and would ask everyone to hangout at Youngjae’s instead. Small things.

Jinyoung looked like he wanted to speak up but he stayed quiet. Then he looked at Jackson.

“Fourth, I love how everyone you meet falls in love with you. How people in general always have such good things to say about you even if they’ve only met you for fifteen minutes. How you always greet people with so much love and such a bright smile. How you always make sure everyone’s heard and spoken to. How everyone’s involved in everything. You fit so well with people of every age, and it’s like you become one of their own and it’s just you, still you.”

Jinyoung’s voice was filled with so much fondness and admiration that it made Jackson’s throat burn. Jackson is a believer of treating people how you would want to be treated. He went to remember how he met Jinyoung for the first time and just how nervous Jinyoung’s gaze made him.

“Fifth, I love you because you don’t want to control me, don’t want to change me, don’t want to stop me, don’t want me to pick between you and my career. I love you because you give so much of yourself to me that it’s overwhelming and I’m so grateful. Park Jinyoung, I love you because you loved me right. True and honest.” Jinyoung just started at him.

There was this thing, when you are speak of how you feel, it made blood rush to Jinyoung’s head. It made him feel like he was part of a cliche movie, it made him feel stupid, because he has always believed that people around him knew that he loves them. But maybe that was just not enough. Jinyoung liked hearing good things from Jackson and he wanted Jackson to feel just as good.

“Fifth, I love you, Jackson Wang. Maybe not from the first day,” Jinyoung said and Jackson playfully frowned. Jinyoung laughed. “You made loving look so easy, you made trusting seem so easy, giving yourself to someone else look so easy. I was so nervous at first. Everything was going good, going so well and I would always keep thinking that something is gonna go wrong. I would overthink and it all just made my head so negative. But you, you loved me, for me and with my insecurities. You loved me even when I wasn’t right, even when I thought us being together wasn’t the right thing, even with the distance. You made love look less complicated each day.”

Jinyoung had to stop otherwise he would have choked up on his own words. He remembered something he had said to Youngjae during the wedding, how vulnerability in front of someone else is just powerful in itself. It just shows you’re showing them all your colours, the good and the bad.

“I’ve missed you,” Jackson said and exhaled like a burden was lifted off of his shoulders.

Jinyoung gave him a hug, their body angles weird and Jinyoung’s leg almost going numb, but love truly is dumb.

“Guys, are y’all done? And not naked?” Bambam’s voice came from the outside. Loud and clear.

Jackson laughed and went to get the door. They turned the lights on as everyone walked inside.

“It’s been so long since it has been the seven of us,” Mark said as he made his way to the couch. Jinyoung stood up and sat next to Mark. Youngjae went to the kitchen to get water for everyone. Yugyeom helped Bambam with the snacks, Jackson went to help Youngjae. Jaebeom stood by the door and just looked at them.

How they all have turned Jaebeom’s space from an apartment to a house. How they all move around Jaebeom’s house like it was their own. How Jaebeom just doesn’t care about it now.

“I have a little surprise for you guys,” Bambam said and Yugyeom started jumping.

“Please, not another rap battle,” Jinyoung shook his head.

“I love rap battles,” Youngjae said excitedly. Jackson went to sit between Youngjae and Mark. Jaebeom doesn’t know how, but they all sat down on one couch. Jaebeom just went to sit by Youngjae’s legs. Hand slightly running up and down Youngjae’s calf muscle.

They all faced the television when Bambam started plugging his USB into the socket.

“Not another one of Yugyeom’s dance practice videos either,” Jinyoung signed loudly.

“I made a movie,” Bambam said shyly and everyone went silent for a second.

“You did what?” Jaebeom asked.

“He said he made a movie, old man,” Yugyeom yelled and everyone busted in laughter. Jaebeom’s chin came out and he almost got up to attack Yugyeom when Youngjae held him back.

“Pay attention, Jaebeom,” Bambam joined his best friend and Youngjae hugged Jaebeom from behind so he couldn’t get up.

“Youngjae legit just got together with Jaebeom to do the whole human race a favour,” Yugyeom said and took a step back and stood next to Bambam, as if for protection.

“True, it has nothing to do with love,” Youngjae said and Jaebeom’s heart went up over the last word. They haven’t talked about it, haven’t discussed it.

“Back to me, so, yes, I made a movie. It’s less like a movie but more like a short project. So, lately, I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but I’m very invested in video making.” Bambam explained.

“You mean the camera you keep shoving in our faces? It’s very hard to miss,” Mark mentioned.

“Well, so I’ve been recording for a while now and I thought why not just show you guys how annoying you all are,” Bambam said and played the video.

The first scene was of Jackson and Yugyeom running in the studio. “Delete this,” Jackson yelled because he remembered. Yugyeom and Bambam laughed, the rest just looked confused.

“Well, I understand that I’ll have to pause and explain the stories as well, so, you’ll have to watch the thing twice. Once, with intervals and second time, in one go.” Bambam took the remote and paused the video.

“Basically Yugyeom wrote down Jinyoung’s number on a piece of paper and Jackson was chasing Yugyeom to get the number,” Bambam said and Jinyoung laughed, Jackson leaned over to look at Jinyoung and winked.

Bambam played and that’s how things went, they talked about different things, from different perspectives. Bambam took everyone’s happy moments and turned it into a seven minute long video.

The video had small things like Jaebeom just looking at Youngjae, smiling at Youngjae. Jinyoung rolling his eyes at Yugyeom, giving death stares at the camera. Youngjae playing video games and Jaebeom sitting next to him reading a book. Jaebeom and Jinyoung having coffee together at the cafe, laughing at something. Jackson and Jinyoung on a walk, Jackson making Jinyoung laugh, Jinyoung making Jackson yell in between laughter. Jackson and Jaebeom looking over at Jinyoung and laughing. Mark and Jaebeom having lunch together, Mark and Jackson in the same room on the phone with each other because Jackson secretly wanted to tell Mark something. Yugyeom sitting on Jaebeom’s lap and Jaebeom letting him. Yugyeom with Bambam’s cats. Yugyeom with Youngjae, ordering food. Jinyoung with Mark as they try pranking Jaebeom by running his coffee. Jaebeom stealing a kiss from Youngjae, Jinyoung fondly kissing Jackson’s head as he fell asleep on his lap.

The scene ended with a sleepy Yugyeom blinking at the camera or at Bambam, no one could tell. A soft smile on his face and the screen goes blank right when Yugyeom’s eyes goes down and sleep took over.

They sat there for over an hour, discussed every scene. The room was filled with laughter and hooting. If someone was to look from outside, they would see a big family. And they aren’t wrong, the seven of them, from different cultures, countries, came together under different circumstances and they all became one.

Jaebeom remembered how Bambam once said that they seem like they’re soulmates, in the purest way possible. That no matter what they were doing, they all were bound to be together. Yugyeom always used to joke around how, maybe in some alternative universe, they’re a boy group, Jaebeom refused to participate in that conversation if he was not called the leader.

Even when Jaebeom lived away from his parents, he never felt like he was living away from his family.

“Bambam, I need a copy of it,” Jackson said once everyone calmed down.

“I’ll charge you for it,” Bambam said jokingly.

“I’ll feature you in one of my songs,” Jackson said suggestively and Bambam looked interested.

“Is this a real offer?” Bambam asked.

“Well, to be honest, I can’t make promises right now. But the other trainees there told me that the agency lets you have control over your project. So, as long as it’s approved, anyone can be featured in the album. I’ve been thinking of asking Jinyoung to be in my music video as an actor but he keeps refusing.”

“You do know Jinyoung took drama classes during high school right?” Jaebeom mentioned.

“Anyone want food?” Jinyoung tried changing the subject.

“We are not done here, Park Jinyoung,” Jackson said threatendly and Jinyoung laughed.

They all sat down for dinner now. Talked about how they first met and their first perception of everyone.

“I wanna say something,” Yugyeom stood up as if he was making a toast.

“The kid wants to speak, everyone,” Jaebeom yelled and everyone smiled.

“Thank you, old man,” Yugyeom replied and everyone started laughing. Jaebeom jumped forward but Youngjae was there to control the old man.

“You started it,” Yugyeom yelled at Jaebeom.

“Well, I guess, I just wanna thank you guys,” Yugyeom started and everyone started yelling loudly. No one was used to this, nice words.

“I know I’m the youngest, but, I wanna thank you that how you guys never made me feel left out. I never felt like I didn’t belong, I was never treated differently, and I have never been treated like I was less than any of you. Life has been a little rough for everyone but it’s good people who make it worth it. When I met Bambam, I thought he was all I needed. My only friend. He understood me and we got along well, but then I started meeting the rest of you guys and it just, it felt right. Good. I… I guess the point is that, I think I speak on behalf of everyone, that I’m glad we’re all here, with each other. Together. That it’s a support system that’ll keep grounding us and loving us even when we’re not together physically.” Yugyeom went silent then. Everyone waited if he was going to continue but Bambam understood.

“Kim Yugyeom for leader,” Bambam yelled and everyone started laughing. They all looked at each other fondly, lovingly.

The night continued and soon some started feeling sleepy.

“Leave my house before I kick you out,” Jaebeom said when Mark tried to sleep on the couch.

They all stood up, hugged each other and started making their way out.

“Guys, please try and not call us till we message or call you,” Jackson said as he wrapped his hands around Jinyoung.

“Disgusting, I don’t need to know...” Bambam said.

Jackson went to the door and turned, “Jinyoung, come on baby.”

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Jinyoung said and smiled. He walked over to Jackson and they left together.

“Mark, do you wanna hang out with us?” Yugyeom asked and the three of them soon said their goodbyes.

This left Jaebeom and Youngjae alone for the first time since last night.

“Are you… leaving?” Jaebeom asked hesitantly, his eyes roaming around Youngjae’s face.

“I’m staying,” Youngjae said softly.

“You’ve been really quiet today.”

“I thought I wasn’t being obvious,” Youngjae said shyly, a soft smile on his lips.

“I notice… you, always.” Jaebeom said and smiled as well.

They stayed quiet, it wasn’t awkward but it was obvious that they both felt nervous.

“I… I wanna apol-” Jaebeom started.

“No,” Youngjae said firmly. “I’m just… nervous, it’s not you. I mean, it is you but it’s not… it’s not in the wrong way. The good nervous, I guess.”

Jaebeom gave a nod, his eyes down, he wasn’t sure what else could be said or were to be said. Youngjae walked slowly towards Jaebeom and Jaebeom froze.

Youngjae stood face to face with Jaebeom and as Youngjae took Jaebeom’s hand in his, it hit him again just how much he cares about Youngjae. Just how much he was in love with Youngjae.

Youngjae looked up at Jaebeom, his hand still holding Jaebeom’s. His eyes soft, his expressions soft and Youngjae looked young, way too young. He looked happy.

Youngjae leaned up, got on his tiptoes for a better angle and pressed his lips softly at Jaebeom’s. Jaebeom smiled.

“I’ve missed us,” Jaebeom said honestly. It has been long, so long since he held Youngjae’s hand, had Youngjae be this close to him, had Youngjae’s lips on his own.

Youngjae smiled again and that was Jaebeom’s favourite thing in the world.

“Are you tired?” Jaebeom asked when Youngjae blinked slowly in a drag.

“A little, couldn’t get any sleep last night.”

“Why?”

“You’re one to ask after what you said last night.” Jaebeom looked down, his body going warm.

“Say it again,” Youngjae asked shyly and Jaebeom felt shy.

“What?” Jaebeom decided to play dumb but wrapped his hands around Youngjae’s waist.

“What you said last night,” Youngjae leaned in and whispered on Jaebeom’s lips and Jaebeom smiled.

Jaebeom leaned closer, just an inch away from Youngjae’s lips and whispered, “I love you,” as he kissed his man.

It felt different for the first time, both of them aware of their feelings, aware of what they want. Both in the right state of mind.

“Let’s rest a little,” Jaebeom said as he pulled away, because he could never have enough of Youngjae or his lips.

Jaebeom took Youngjae’s hand and led him to his bedroom.

“You can sleep, if you want to, I’ll be back,” Jaebeom said and went to the washroom. He splashed some water on his face. His heart was ringing in his ear. Youngjae was in his room.

Jaebeom got out and saw that Youngjae was laid on the left side of the bed, Jaebeom’s side of the bed. His head on the pillow and his eyes fixed on Jaebeom.

Jaebeom took off the t-shirt he was wearing and Youngjae looked alarmed. “Jaebeom?” he said as his head lifted off of the pillow.

“No no, no, we… we’re not doing anything you don’t want to. I’m just… my body is warm, I had to take it off,” Jaebeom said and started wearing his t-shirt back in a hurried manner. Panicked because what Youngjae must have thought, wasn’t his intention.

“Take it off,” Youngjae said. Voice firm. Jaebeom froze mid-action and kept his eyes on Youngjae. “I don’t want you to get uncomfortably warm, take it off if you feel like it,” Youngjae said and Jaebeom gave him a nod.

Jaebeom stood near the bed for a minute too long and Youngjae smiled, it eased Jaebeom’s nerves and he got under the sheets.

Jaebeom left a little too much space between them, turned his head towards Youngjae and smiled. Youngjae moved so that they were a little closer. Just enough for them to breathe without mixing each other’s breaths.

Youngjae’s eyes roamed around Jaebeom’s exposed neck and down to his shoulder. Youngjae lifted his hand slowly and caressed Jaebeom’s hand. Jaebeom shivered and they both laughed.

“I don’t know what to say,” Youngjae started, it was partly true.

“Let me start then, Nina messaged me today,” Jaebeom said in a breath.

“She did? What did she say?” Youngjae asked.

“It seemed like thousand things were running through her mind when she sent me the message, it was long, mostly about our past and well she said she wants to apologize properly and how regretful she has been through the last few years. I don’t know what she was trying to say, the bottom line is she wanted forgiveness,” Jaebeom said slowly.

“And?” Youngjae asked.

“And what?”

“Did you reply?”

“I did, I told her I forgive her, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and I mean, she did what she did and there’s no going back or her and I in the future. I don’t even want that, so living with the feeling of heaviness like we both own each other something, it’ll just keep bringing us back and I don’t want any part of it. It took me a long while but, when you and I weren’t us, it got me thinking over a lot of things,” Jaebeom said. His voice low in the darkness.

“I met her today,” Youngjae mentioned.

“Nina?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said and saw how Jaebeom’s expressions changed. How he looked a little unsettled.

“She was outside your apartment this morning and I asked her to grab coffee with me,” Youngjae said and Jaebeom stayed quiet.

“We didn’t talk about anything that you don’t already know, I guess I just wanted to understand why she kept dragging her life back into yours. I guess I understood a few things but that doesn’t make it right. Also, heard that you were a bit of a bad boy back in the days.”

Jaebeom froze and Youngjae laughed, head thrown back and hands on his chest. “She said that?” Jaebeom asked but Youngjae was busy laughing.

“That bitch, I swear I knew she was trouble,” Jaebeom joined the joke and they laughed together.

“So what were you like? In school days?” Youngjae asked.

“The worst, I thought I was it, no one could ever top me, I made the rules, you know. ”

“You think we would have gotten along back then?” Youngjae asked and caressed Jaebeom’s cheeks, lightly with his index finger.

Jaebeom just gave a dry laugh, he wasn’t sure himself, he stayed quiet.

“When I met, I had a very different opinion of you,” Youngjae started.

“Really? How?” Jaebeom asked, took Youngjae’s hand in his and kissed it softly.

“I just… when I saw you, you seemed intimidating. Like, you would not talk to me at all and as soon as we’re done with the wedding, we’d never see eachother again.”

“Why?” Jaebeom asked and laughed.

“Because, I don’t know, I couldn’t figure it out back then as well. But maybe it was just because of the way you kept frowning, you looked angry and frustrated.”

“It was only because I was desperate, Jackson cancelled when he found out the date because he already had plans. And I was frustrated, I thought my parents were gonna find out that I lied to them. I was in pain,” Jaebeom laughed.

“What was your perspective of me?” Youngjae asked.

“I mean… I don’t know. Like, I don’t wanna lie and say I was smittened the first day. But you have an aura. You’re… distracting. Like, even when I was having a conversation with Jackson, I still couldn’t stop looking at you. You were just being you, doing your own thing. Being you. But then all my attention gets shifted towards you.”

Youngjae laughed, the day they met was clear in his head.

“Why did you come back? The first day, I thought I would have to go alone or beg Bambam or Yugyeom to go with me. You came back when I actually thought I’d have to do it all alone.”

“I can’t even remember it right, it just… I don’t know, Jackson and I were talking and he felt bad for you, told me you seemed desperate for it to work. And I felt bad and Jackson said you seem like a decent guy and I was anyway really bored in life. Like, I hardly get the time to get out of my place, I thought this way I’d help you and will get to be out of house for a while. A win-win for me,” Youngjae smiled as he explained.

“So, is it still a win-win situation for you?” Jaebeom asked.

“I won more than I expected,” Youngjae smiled sheepishly and Jaebeom laughed.

“You remember when you asked me to kiss you? Back in your childhood room?” Youngjae asked and Jaebeom rubbed his face.

“It’s so embarrassing, please don’t mention it.”

“No, no, I was glad, thankful. It made me feel good. I don’t know, it was a good. I liked it. It made me feel like, we’re not rushing things, that we’re doing it on our comfort levels. When we’re ready. Our own pace,” Youngjae said softly and Jaebeom smiled.

Jaebeom has liked it, he always had liked being with Youngjae. There was a time when he was scared, that they might run out of topics to talk about, the conversation might run dry. That they just wouldn’t have anything to talk about. But that wasn’t the case. When he calmed down with all the nerves, he actually started enjoying his time with Youngjae.

The small talks, the silence, the reading and playing video games, the tv series and movie nights. They’ve talked about the most absolute shit to politics, environment to conspiracy theories. From people at work to their own friends, from clients to customers. They’ve talked and laughed and have gotten frustrated. Jaebeom always felt relaxed with Youngjae. Always felt like he was home.

“You ever thought that this would happen?” Jaebeom asked. He still wasn’t sure if Youngjae thought of him the same way he did, but they were getting there.

“If I’m being very honest, I thought you were out of my league. Like, the max anything that would happen between us would be a makeout session, maybe we’ll end up being friends with benefits but I just wasn’t into that. But you… have you ever seen yourself? Met yourself? God, Jaebeom.” Youngjae laughed shyly and Jaebeom blushed.

“You would always get so shy around me and it made me feel so good about myself, always. Like, you being nervous around me, it made me feel more confident than I actually am,” Youngjae said and laughed. Jaebeom just dug his head more into his pillow.

“You’re kind, you’re so kind. The way you’re with Yugyeom and Bambam, the way you’re like their friend but also their brother and will be their guardian if and when needed. You sacrifice so much for the people around you and you never show it. You and Jinyoung have done so much for Bambam and Yugyeom. It’s like you guys have a small little family of yours.”

“And then we introduced our families to each other,” Jaebeom said and it took Youngjae a second to realize he was referring to Jackson and Mark.

“Now we’re a one big family,” Youngjae laughed.

“I’m not taking responsibility of any of them,” Jaebeom commented and Youngjae pushed his hand, Jaebeom held it.

“Don’t be a child,” Youngjae said and Jaebeom pouted, Youngjae laughed harder.

“I love you,” Jaebeom said all of a sudden and Youngjae froze. His eyes went down because of shyness and he smiled softly.

“You know, I always thought when I’d say those words to someone, I would wanna hear them back. Like, if we both are not on the same page, then what’s the point,” Jaebeom started and Youngjae looked at him in panic.

“No no, hear me out,” Jaebeom rubbed his back to calm him down.

“I said I used to think that way but not anymore. Like, when I said that to you, I wasn’t expecting you to say it. I don’t know, maybe I’m explaining it wrong. More of like, I just didn’t expect you to say it because of how unplanned all of it was. Like, maybe if the situation was different, your reaction would have been different but last night, you just looked confused.”

“Would you have wanted to do it at some other time?” Youngjae asked.

“No, I wouldn’t have changed a thing,” Jaebeom said honestly.

“You really did catch me off guard though,” Youngjae confessed and Jaebeom smiled.

“I guess I went with the flow, I could have done it all planned out and all but that would have just made me more nervous, knowing that I would do it eventually.”

Youngjae shifted a little to get close to Jaebeom, their bodies weren’t touching but Youngjae could feel Jaebeom’s body heat.

“I never thought we could work or even after what happened that we would be back here again,” Youngjae said.

“Why?” Jaebeom’s voice sounded a little shaky and Youngjae smiled.

“I thought I blew it. I started believing that maybe I overreacted but I just couldn’t be near you. My feeling and emotions towards you were really strong back then and I just… I just wanted you so bad that it wasn’t healthy anymore. I tried making myself believe that whatever happened was fine but a part of me knew we aren’t supposed to keep secrets, no matter how big or small. I’ll be honest, at first I thought that maybe you’re just weren’t over Nina and I’m just a rebound,” Youngjae said and laughed.

Jaebeom has noticed it a lot, Youngjae would say something that makes him upset or is bugging him and then he would laugh at the end of it. He wasn’t sure if it was for others or for himself to make him be like it’s not a big deal.

“Your feelings were valid. I spoke with Jinyoung and he said something that I couldn’t get out of my mind. I put myself in your shoes, how if it was me, how would I have felt. Maybe I would have reacted differently than you but the feelings were same. Anger, betrayal and lost hope. I would have thought that you’re just taking things for granted.” Jaebeom moved a little closer, very cautiously. His body with inches away from Youngjae’s but close enough for Youngjae’s hand to brush Jaebeom’s chest.

“I am over Nina, I have been for a long time. This… between us, is not a rebound. I know I can’t make you believe me just like that, but I just hope you give me a chance to show you. I’m… I make dumb decisions in life but I would never play around with someone’s feelings, especially not yours.”

“I believe you,” Youngjae said softly and Jaebeom looked him in the eyes.

“I love you, Jaebeom,” Youngjae said in almost a whisper and Jaebeom froze. A wide smile on Youngjae’s face, he was nervous, so so so nervous he had to hold something or be held.

Youngjae placed his hands delicately on Jaebeom’s arm, just enough to feel his skin.

“I love you, Lim Jaebeom, so much,” Youngjae repeated and that was when it hit Jaebeom that it was real and it was happening. He smiled. His expression relaxed, his eyes looked happy.

Jaebeom held Youngjae and when their lips met, it was more than it ever was. It wasn’t like they had never kissed before, but this time it was just different. The way Youngjae’s hands travelled from Jaebeom’s arm to his neck and the way Jaebeom’s hand travelled from Youngjae’s back to his lower back and they held each other close, spoke volumes for them.

It was a promise to keep each other close and to keep each other safe. To be honest and to be true to each other. A promise of togetherness and space. A promise to be there and also to let the other one breathe. A promise to do their most and nothing less.

Lim Jaebeom, a man of deep words, a man of less emotions, a man of worry and a man of emotion. Jaebeom, a man who thinks about others selflessly, who looks at the bigger picture and let the sacrifices speak for itself. A man who let the criticism get to him but acts like he never heard a word. A man who would stay up overthinking but will never let it show. A man who wasn’t broken and didn’t need to be fixed, but was just in need to be understood.

Lim Jaebeom gave his heart to Choi Youngjae.

Choi Youngjae, a man who shines the brightest during the night. Who would rather be compared to the moon than to the sun. Who lights up the world in the most darkest times. But the thing with moon is it shines because of the light of the sun and maybe that’s exactly where Youngjae was different. For the longest time, he relied on people, shined because of them and now he doesn’t. His relationship with Jaebeom doesn’t define him. Doesn’t make him just someone’s partner. Youngjae, a man with ambition, a man who wanted to do things and never stop, learn more and more each day. Youngjae, a man who would sacrifice himself for the others but was starting to love himself, to take care of himself, to think of himself.

Jaebeom remembered how at the wedding someone compared love and sacrifice, as the Sun and Moon. How the Sun loved the Moon so much, the Sun died every night to let the Moon breathe. And Jaebeom remembered how those words stuck with him. He also thought of how at times you could see the Sun and Moon together in the sky and maybe that was just how little time they spend together. How he was ready to sacrifice his own self for Youngjae. How even if they would not end up together, Youngjae would still have the biggest part of his heart. Jaebeom also believed in alternative universes. Another galaxy, where the Sun and Moon both shine together and that was the universe Jaebeom dreamed for them.

Jaebeom pulled back, Youngjae’s hand burning Jaebeom’s skin but in the most pleasurable way. Jaebeom couldn’t take his eyes off of Youngjae. Couldn’t stop looking. His blinks were long and dragged on.

“What? Stop looking at me like that,” Youngjae blushed and playfully pushed his face away.

“Like what?” Jaebeom asked, his voice a little rough.

“Like I’m your everything,” Youngjae said with courage. His words almost playful.

“You are,” Jaebeom said.

Youngjae pulled out his tongue at Jaebeom and he laughed. Jaebeom could just stay in that moment for forever.

They talked in whispers and low voices. The whole house to themselves and they still only wanted their souls to hear things.

They talked and talked, hands roaming here and there, eyes going places and lips touching skin. They laughed and smiled, they talked and whispered sweet nothings. Made promised they both knew were far fetched. Talked about future and past, talked about themselves and them as individuals.

“Oh, I wanna tell you something but you have to promise me you’ll never tell a soul,” Youngjae got excited, way too excited.

“Depends on who you consider as soul,” Jaebeom said and kissed Youngjae softly.

“Jinyoung and your children,” Youngjae said and laughed.

“Well… you had me there. So, no Jinyoung. Noted.”

“Oh God, I’m so nervous. But I’m so excited.”

“Youngjae just tell me now,” Jaebeom said and laughed.

“Jackson has been sending me a lot of rings lately,” Youngjae said in one go and Jaebeom’s mouth hung open.

“No… no no, engagement rings?” Jaebeom whispered, as if he was scared someone might hear.

Youngjae nodded enthusiastically.

“You’re not being serious,” Jaebeom said and Youngjae got scared for a second. Jaebeom’s expression was unreadable. Was it a good shock or a bad one?

“Is it too early for them? I mean… I know it’s too early but like… are they not on the same page?” Youngjae asked in worry.

“No no no no,” Jaebeom said and laughed, “You’re taking it the wrong way.”

“God, you can’t tell anyone either…. So, Jinyoung and I were walking and there’s this jewelry shop that we always pass by. Two days back he stopped there and looked at the ring from outside of the shop and pointed and said that Jackson would like that. So, I asked if he was planning on proposing and it was a joke from my end but Jinyoung went quiet for a while. He said that he’s not planning a wedding or anything but he doesn’t mind if they get engaged. Like, it’s a commitment that will make him feel more at ease.”

“For real?” Youngjae was smiling ear to ear.

“Yes, like… I am not sure if they both have talked or discussed it among themselves but wow, they’re both on the same page. How?” Jaebeom seemed excited over it.

“It’ll be so crazy, Jackson was a little worried and he even said that he is scared that Jinyoung might think he is rushing.”

“Imagine if they both propose at the same time,” Jaebeom said.

“They both will be a crying mess.”

“Jinyoung would probably laugh, to be honest,” Jaebeom said and Youngjae laughed.

“So, will that be a wedding we could also attend?” Youngjae asked and moved closer to Jaebeom. There wasn’t much space between them but he managed it anyway.

“Maybe I’ll start looking for a boyfriend a week before so no one thinks that I lied about having one,” Jaebeom teased and Youngjae laughed.

“And what kind of a person would you want?” Youngjae asked.

“Youngjae, you would not believe! The last guy I went to a wedding with… weird. Like, he clung to me like crazy, laughed at everyone’s jokes and made everyone fall in love with him. He had such perfect manners that everyone started hating me, asked me how I got such a catch. Now, I would want some loser who’ll make me look good so people will pity me and love me.”

“You’re such a drama queen!” Youngjae laughed and hit him. “Also, the last guy I went with-”

“He was perfect, I’ve heard. The sexiest man alive,” Jaebeom finished for Youngjae and Youngjae laughed harder.

“He wishes,” Youngjae said and Jaebeom smiled. “He was… wild, just wanted to get into my pants. Kept looking at me, asked me to kiss him. Made me meet his friends so they can vouch for his good behaviour. Played with kids at the wedding so he can prove just how great he is. A whole show off.”

“Now you’re making me feel sad,” Jaebeom said and pouted and Youngjae laughed and kissed him.

“So, how are gonna do this? Are we attending the wedding for real this time?” Youngjae asked softly.

“They’re not getting married any time soon, Jackson’s whole career is ahead of him. They might just stay engaged for a decade.”

“But still?” Youngjae seemed eager to know the answer.

“Well, then maybe at their wedding we won’t have to pretend anymore,” Jaebeom said softly and Youngjae smiled. Jaebeom took Youngjae’s hand in his and kissed it lightly.

Jaebeom pulled Youngjae close and kissed his forehead.

“You look sleepy,” Youngjae said.

“I couldn’t sleep last night.”

“Why?”

“Because I confessed to the love of my life and then he kissed me and it felt like paradise,” Jaebeom said and Youngjae laughed, hit him lightly.

“You’re so cheesy,” Youngjae said.

“Get used to it,” Jaebeom said and winked.

They talked some more but with sleep heavy in Jaebeom’s voice. Youngjae changed his voice tone in a more lullaby tone and soon Jaebeom was sleep. Tired for the lack of sleep and the exhaustion of the day.

Youngjae looked at him, features so soft it made Youngjae smile.

Maybe universe has a plan for them or maybe they’ll have to submit their plan to the universe. Because the plan is to stay together. Because the plan is to stay happy and be there for each other. And Youngjae liked planned things, Jaebeom liked a system.

Maybe they’ll fight in the process but they will work it through, because they understand each other, and because the other one understood their own self as well. Maybe there’s a little exploring that needed to be done between the two of them and maybe everyday they’ll learn something new.

But, the only thing they know for sure is that they will love each other, respect each other. They’ll take care of each other without suffocating the other. They’ll wait for the day to end so that they could see each other again but will never force the other to change their plans.

They'll have each other and maybe that'll be enough. They'll have their own little family, their own people and maybe that'll be enough.

As the night washes in and their breathing evens out, their darkness stopped feeling dark.