Chapter Text
“He’s a good man, he’s patient with me but I’m just not sure how much longer he’ll put up with me. Matt, I just need some advice. What do I do?” Alex asks her good friend for relationship advice.
“I’m not sure I’m the one you should be talking to about this, Alex. Have you told Ralph any of this?”
“No. Course not. He doesn’t know I’m still a virgin.”
“Well, I think you should tell him. Then maybe he’ll back off a little; take the pressure off you, then you’ll come to him when you’re ready and it’ll be more...”
“More what?”
“Pleasant?”
“Or, he’ll back off completely and not want to be with me anymore.”
“Alex...”
“Maybe I’m just being silly and I should let him do what he wants with me. I mean, he’s been with three girls before me, and I know he took their virginity, so why not let him take mine?”
“Don’t let him if you’re not ready.”
“Well, maybe I am ready.”
“Are you?”
“I don’t know. How do you know?”
“If you don’t know, then you’re probably not. Look, Alex, you’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you, full of men who’ll want to be with you. Don’t rush into anything. You can’t take it back once it’s done.”
“Yeah, but if I have my whole life ahead, full of men, I don’t want to stay an inexperienced little virgin, do I? I should get the practise in while I can.”
“Well, that’s not really the right way to look at it...”
“It’s just...” she huffs, exasperated at herself more than anything, “he kisses me, and it’s nice, you know, until his hands wander – as soon as he grabs my bum I feel uncomfortable, but I let him ‘cause that’s what girlfriend and boyfriend do. Right? Then on the occasional night when I do end up staying late and sleeping over, he lies really close – drapes his arm over me – and I can’t breathe and I feel hot and trapped.”
“Alex, it doesn’t sound to me like you should be with this guy...”
“Sometimes, in the mornings, it’s really nice; he kisses me gently, and holds me, and strokes his fingers over my stomach – it tickles, but it’s nice. I just wish I didn’t get so self-conscious and uncomfortable when he strokes higher up... or...”
“Or?”
She bites her lip and looks up at him over her hot chocolate, “...further down.”
He looks away and takes a large gulp of his coffee.
“I always catch his wrist and tell him I’m not ready. He usually kisses me and says it’s fine, but I can tell, sometimes, he wants to just keep going regardless.”
“I can’t listen to this.”
“What? Matt, I need your advice...”
“I’ve given you my advice, Alex, you’re a very good friend and I don’t want to see you get hurt. But I can’t help you when you’ve already made up your mind.”
“I haven’t.”
“Okay, you want my advice? Wait. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with just because your boyfriend wants you to. That’s not right. It’s your virginity, Alex, you can’t get it back once it’s gone.” He stands and makes to leave the cafe.
“Matt?” Her voice wobbles but he just keeps walking. “But, what if he leaves me?”
Back at the flat she is staying in for the duration of her education at RADA, Alex makes herself a cup of tea and starts looking over her latest script. She has the whole afternoon free and absolutely no plans. Coffee with Matt didn’t last as long as she’d hoped, they really had loads to catch up on but as soon as she started talking about Ralph he seemed to close up.
She’s been with Ralph for almost three months now; he asked her out in her second week at RADA. He’s a year above her; the same age as Matt. Everything was fine between them, she was amazed that he would want to go out with someone like her when he had almost every girl in the school after him, so she accepted and felt like maybe they could actually be something together.
The troubles only came when he started asking for more from her. He didn’t say what he wanted, but he made it obvious enough and it caught her off-guard and made her uncomfortable. Having never been with a man before, she wants to take her time and make sure it’s right.
There’s a knock on her door a few hours later. Her flatmates have a key, so, who would be visiting her now?
She opens the door to her boyfriend – she likes calling him that; it makes her feel grown-up – leaning nonchalantly against her doorframe.
“Ralph?” she smiles.
“Hey babe, you mentioned you had the afternoon off and I’ve just finished my last class, so I thought I’d come on over and see if we could think of something fun to do,” he invites himself in, brushing past her and hanging his coat over a chair, kicking his shoes off before dropping onto her sofa and beckoning her over.
She closes the door and obeys his gesture, giggling as he pulls her down into his lap.
“Miss me?” he asks cockily before kissing her.
She chuckles. “How’s your day been?”
“Oh, boring.” He waves the question away. “Until now.”
He tips her off his lap as he continues to kiss her, laying her across the sofa and crawling up over her.
“Ralph?” she warns with a gentle hand to his chest.
“I just wanna kiss my girlfriend.”
So he does.
And she lets him.
They make out for what seems like hours. The music Alex had playing in the background long since stopped and the light outside the window dimming.
“Alex, baby,” he breaks the silence, “could I stay with you tonight? My flatmates brought a girl over and I do not want to listen to that all night.”
“Um, sure... of course,” she nods, but dread floods her veins immediately.
“Thanks babe,” he kisses her again but she pushes him off her.
“We should eat something.”
“Nothing tastier than you, love.”
“Ralph!” She means to chastise him, but as soon as she reaches the kitchen, he is behind her and pressing her against the counter. “Ralph, please?”
“What is it baby? Tell me what you want?” he breathes by her ear before kissing down her neck.
“I-I want...” she waves him away, ducking out from his arms and moving to her cupboards, “I want food.”
“Doesn’t look like you have much,” he chuckles.
“Rachel was supposed to go shopping yesterday,” she groans, rolling her eyes.
“Maybe we should just skip food,” his hands are around her waist once more.
“No. Ralph, I’m hungry...”
“So am I,” his eyes gleam and darken; his tone suggestive.
“Not like that.”
“God, woman, you’re never hungry like that,” he pushes her away in frustration.
“I’m sorry, Ralph, I’m just not ready.”
“So you keep saying.”
“I-I...”
“Are you ever going to be ready? You gonna make me wait ‘til we’re married first? ‘Til I’m dead, maybe? I can’t wait for you forever, you know. A man has needs. You’re my girlfriend. You’re supposed to fulfil them.”
“I-I know, I will... just, not yet, alright?”
“Fine.” He snaps and storms out of the room.
She hears a door slam.
She sighs and leans her head against the cupboard door. Why is she so afraid? What is there to be scared of? All the girls she knows who have had sex say it’s amazing. So why is she so hesitant about joining in the fun? She’s being ridiculous. She knows she is. She should just get the first time over and done with so that she no longer has this label stuck to her and can start enjoying herself. Yes. That’s what she’s going to do. The next time Ralph tries to start something, she won’t stop him.
She nods to herself before grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge and pouring herself a glass.
Later that evening she sneaks into her room to find Ralph passed out across the bed. She strips off down to her underwear and slides under the covers next to him, pushing him a bit until he rolls over and gives her enough room. She doesn’t sleep well, too busy mulling over her decision to sleep with him and worrying about when it’ll happen and what it’ll be like.
She wakes in the morning with his arm around her waist and his morning erection pressing into her back. She immediately feels hot; not in a good way, and wants to escape. But her stirring must wake him as he tightens his grip on her and buries his face in her hair.
“Morning,” she tries for sleepy and sweet, yawning and rubbing her eyes as she rolls to face him.
“Hey sexy,” his voice is low and gruff and his hand wastes no time in stroking over her bare stomach.
“You sleep ok?”
“Had a damn hot dream about you,” he states with a wink, “I wonder if you’ll ever live up to my expectations.” He kisses her and she wants to wriggle away and hide. But she doesn’t. “When are you going to let me love you, Alex?”
“Love me?” she gasps, eyes wide. He doesn’t mean... Does he?
“Let me show you what you mean to me.”
That doesn’t really answer her question.
“What do I mean to you?” she asks hesitantly.
“So much. Alex. You’re brilliant.” His hands start to wander. “Let me show you.”
She takes a deep breath and holds it for a second. This is where she would normally get uncomfortable and push him away. She lets the breath go. She is uncomfortable. But maybe that’s what happens at first. She should just let him continue and see how it goes.
She bites her lip.
His fingers circle her bellybutton and she tries not to jump when it tickles, then he strokes them ever higher as he kisses her. He reaches her ribcage and she feels everything inside her tighten and want to fight against his touch, but she keeps herself under control and lets him continue.
She wants this.
She does.
His tongue forces its way into her mouth and she furrows her brow in disgust, trying hard not to bite him or push him away. She hates when he does that.
She’s suddenly distracted when his thumb brushes over her bra; she’s never let him get that far before. She gasps and he moans, hurriedly cupping and squeezing her breast in his hand once before pulling the strap and cup of her bra down and squeezing her bare breast.
She moves her head to the side to catch her breath and swears.
“That’s it baby,” he kisses down her neck, now that he can’t get to her mouth, until he reaches her chest and kisses her nipple, sucking it into his mouth and squeezing her other breast with his hand. Setting it free like the first one, he reaches behind her and unclasps her bra, removing it from her completely.
“Ralph. Please...?” she means to say stop, but she can’t get the words out. Taking it as permission, he moves his head to the other breast and sucks, hard enough to leave a bruise. Her hands fly to his head and she tugs at his hair to get him off her.
He surges up to kiss her again, grabbing her wrists in his hand and pinning them above her head.
“What do you want baby? You want me? You finally ready to give me what I want?”
She shakes her head vehemently but his free hand is already making its way down her body.
“No,” she manages to let out just before he covers her mouth harshly with his again. She feels his fingers trace her skin, just above the waistline of her knickers, causing her muscles to jump.
She doesn’t like it.
She’s changed her mind.
She’s not ready.
“There’s a good girl,” he hums patronisingly as his fingers slip beneath the fabric.
“Ralph. No. Stop. Please.” She pants and brings her knees up, closing her thighs together tightly so his hand can’t move any further.
“What?”
“Please stop,” she shakes her head, apology in her eyes as her chest rises and falls rapidly, “I’m not ready.”
“You seemed pretty ready to me,” he snaps, sitting up abruptly and pulling the duvet from her.
“I thought I was...” she starts, her voice tiny.
“Then what’s the problem,” his hands are on her legs and he tries to pry them apart.
“No. Ralph, I’m not ready. I thought I was, but I just can’t do it.”
“Let my hand between your legs and I’ll tell you if you’re ready, Alex.”
“Excuse me?”
“Let’s see how wet you are for me,” he pulls her knees apart and presses his hand over the crotch of her knickers. She sits bolt upright, shivering in the cool air of the room and tugging on his wrist.
“Please, Ralph, stop it.”
“Soaked,” he states with menacing glee. “Your little cunt is so ready for me, Alex, let me have it.”
“No!” She pulls on his wrist harder as he starts to rubs circles with his fingers. “Stop it!” She leaves her efforts on pulling his hand away in favour of slapping him, hard, across the cheek.
It has the required effect, his hand leaves her knickers; in favour of hitting her back.
She flies across the bed, a hand to her face and a tear running down her cheek.
She doesn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Not even glancing at him before scrambling from her bed, grabbing jeans and a big jumper and fleeing from the room. She hops into her jeans as she runs down the hall, slipping her feet into untied converses and throwing her jumper over her head, just managing to grab her handbag as she leaves the flat, slamming the door behind her.
She doesn’t expect him to come after her, so she gives herself two seconds to compose herself, leaning against the wall for support, before heading off to the closest safe place she knows.
Matt’s.
She hammers on his door and almost falls through it as he opens it, barely able to take in the surprise written all over his face.
She throws herself at him, dropping her bag and wrapping her arms around him, burying her face in his chest as she finally lets her emotions pour out.
“Alex?” his voice is soft and calm, especially compared to Ralph’s, and she automatically feels a hundred times safer. He waddles them backwards a little, into the hallway, closing the front door before wrapping his strong arms around her, one hand stroking through her hair as he soothes her.
“I’m sorry,” she sniffs eventually, wiping her eyes and finally glancing up at him. “Thank you.”
“What’s the matter, Alex? What happened?” he ducks his head to look her in the eye, cupping her jaw gently and raising her face to his as she tries to look away.
She winces.
He pulls back suddenly and she flinches again at the horror in his eyes.
“Where is he?” He flings the front door open again, half expecting Ralph to be on the other side. “I’ll kill him.”
“Matt, no,” she reaches for him tentatively, “he didn’t mean to. I-I upset him. It’s nothing, really.”
He spins to face her, letting the door close behind him. “It’s not nothing, Alex, if he hit you.”
Her hand subconsciously moves to the place he’d struck her, and Matt softens. He steps closer, peeling her hand carefully from her face and cupping her cheek gently in his warm hand. She watches the pained expression in his eyes as he checks her for damage, before he lets out a deep breath and kisses her on the forehead, releasing her.
“I’m fine,” she says with more confidence than she feels.
He nods as he steps away. She can tell he doesn’t believe her.
“Would you like a drink?” He asks and she’s very thankful he’s changing the topic.
“Oh, god yes,” she smiles and hops up beside him in the little kitchenette.
“Or perhaps, we should just have a day of chocolate and movies, snuggled up on the sofa, then go out and get absolutely wasted tonight?”
“That sounds even better,” she grins. Matt always knew how to cheer her up.
Matt chuckles as he hands her a jumbo size Cadbury dairy milk bar; he’s had hiding at the back of his cupboard for just such an emergency, and watches her bounce off into the living area with it. Promptly following her with two glasses of milk; he knows how much she likes milk with her chocolate, and a Bridget Jones dvd.
They spend the day lounging around, watching both Bridget Jones movies, Sister Act, Disney’s Tangled; and he even manages to get Robin Hood in there – but only ‘cause Alex likes the way Cate Blanchett plays Maid Marian. The chocolate is devoured and they skip lunch, opting to order Chinese for dinner while Alex allows Matt to catch up on the football highlights.
It’s a good day.
One of the most happy and relaxed days she’s had in a long time.
She never feels this good around Ralph, but then, he’s not a friend like Matt, he’s just her boyfriend and it’s not the same thing. But is that right? Is that how it’s supposed to be? Or should couples be friends too? Maybe what she has with Matt is what she should have with a boyfriend. But then what does that make Ralph?
“A douchebag,” Matt says grumpily from his place next to her on the sofa.
“Pardon?”
“Ralph, is a douchebag.”
“I – Did I say that out loud?”
“I don’t know what else you were mumbling about but I heard you say ‘What does that make Ralph?’”
She giggles. “And you think he’s a ‘douchebag’?”
“I do.”
“I think all that chocolate’s gone to your head.”
“I think you’ve gone to my head.”
She sucks in a sharp breath at that. It wasn’t completely unexpected, she knows he likes her, they’re really close friends. She likes him too, but Ralph asked her out before anyone else had a chance. So who knows what he really thinks of her.
“I also think,” he continues as he sits upright and heaves himself to his feet, “that we should go out and get drunk and totally forget about that bastard.”
She smiles and nods, taking his proffered hand as she gets up. “Just gimme a sec,” she asks as she scurries into his bathroom with her handbag.
Twenty minutes later, wearing a dress borrowed from one of his roommates and a little light make-up to cover the bruise now forming on her cheekbone, she saunters into the hall where Matt awaits her.
“Nice outfit, Kingston,” he chuckles as he takes in her half laced black converses with the sexy red dress.
“Glad you approve,” she giggles before looping her arm through his and heading out into the night.
They get back around 3am, giggling and staggering until they fall into bed, side by side and pass out, exhausted and drunk and happy.
It’s not until the morning that she even gives Ralph a second thought.
She wakes up to the sunlight streaming through the window and an arm over her waist.
She freezes instantly.
A horror creeps up her spine at the thought of Ralph with his hands on her and she feels her heart rate pick up and her palms begin to sweat.
Then she hears a groan as the man behind her rolls over, his arm leaving her in favour of shielding his eyes from the glare from the window.
She giggles as she realises it’s only Matt and a warm feeling steals over her as she rolls to face him.
Her heart rate picks up for a totally different reason then; Matt looks amazing in the mornings. His hair is sticking out at all odd angles and his face is crumpled from sleep, but the sheets have shuffled down a little and she can appreciate his lean chest and stomach and hipbones before her eyes meet the hem of his jeans.
That’s when she realises she’s only in her underwear – sans bra – since she must have taken her dress off at some point in the night. Guess it wasn’t very comfortable to sleep in. She hurriedly yanks the duvet up over her chest before he notices.
“Good morning, beautiful,” he smiles as he cracks an eye open to greet her.
“Good morning, yourself,” she beams, hiding happily under the covers.
“Did you sleep alright?”
She nods shyly.
He reaches out a steady hand and delicately runs his fingers over her bruised cheek, frowning in disapproval.
She covers his hand with hers before turning her face and dropping a thankful kiss to his palm. “It doesn’t hurt,” she assures him.
“He shouldn’t have hit you,” he replies stubbornly.
“He was upset.”
“Why?”
“Because I stopped him,” she releases his hand and buries herself further under the covers.
“Stopped him from doing what...?”
“I don’t think you really want to know...”
“You’re right, I don’t. But tell me anyway.”
She heaves a great sigh before rolling onto her back and facing the ceiling. “I decided to let him – you know – so I told myself I wouldn’t stop him this time. I let him go further than he’s ever gone before...”
“Oh, Alex...”
“Let me finish,” she gives him a look before returning her attention to the ceiling. “I didn’t let him finish.”
“Did you let him start?” Matt suddenly sits up.
“Well, no, not really.”
He seems to sigh with relief at that, lowering himself down to prop his head up on his elbow.
“I stopped him. But then he tried forcing me. And he was saying these crude things and I just didn’t like it...”
“He tried forcing you?” she sees the horror in his eyes once more and closes her own.
“He wouldn’t have really,” she tells herself as much as she tells him, “I mean, he barely even touched me. He’d never force himself on me.”
“Are you sure?”
She stays silent.
She’s not sure.
If he’d have asked her that when they were at coffee then yes, she’d say he’d never do something like that. But after yesterday morning... maybe he would have. He certainly could have, if he wanted to, she’s not that strong and is only small. The thought frightens her, but Matt seems to notice.
“Don’t worry, Alex. You’re here now. He can’t get you.” He tucks a stray curl behind her ear and strokes the back of his fingers down her cheek and across her jaw.
She has the sudden urge to kiss him.
So she does.
He pulls back almost immediately.
“Sorry,” she retreats back under the duvet again.
“Are you?”
“No.”
He smiles and shuffles down so he’s at eye level with her before cupping her jaw and kissing her. It’s soft and gentle; his lips caressing hers. She’s not been kissed like that before. Especially not by Ralph; even when he’s trying to be gentle, he’s still demanding.
He pulls back all too soon and they try to gauge each others’ reactions.
They giggle.
Matt makes her happy. She knows now. If Ralph had never been an option, she’d probably be with him now, instead, and suddenly that feels like the best idea in the world. She doesn’t want to be with Ralph. She wants to be with Matt. She’ll never be ready to sleep with Ralph; especially when it means losing her virginity. But with Matt, she could. She can see herself giving herself to him willingly. She wouldn’t be losing anything; she’d be gaining the best friendship possible.
“Kiss me again?” she asks shyly.
“Alex...?”
“Please?”
He pecks her on the lips.
It’s not enough.
“Not like that,” she levers herself up and slightly over him, “like this...” before bending her head and kissing him properly. His tongue doesn’t probe at her lips like Ralph’s, he doesn’t try to force his way inside or nip her tongue and lips. He just kisses her. Slow and gentle and sweet and she never wants it to stop.
Until she feels something against her hip that makes her go hot and cold all over.
She gasps. Pulling back and looking questioningly into Matt’s eyes.
“Oh god, Alex, I’m sorry,” he gently manoeuvres her off him and rolls onto his back, squeezing his eyes closed in embarrassment.
The shock soon wears off and she giggles, biting her lip in amusement.
“It’s not funny, Alex,” he stares at her, “You’ve come to me as a friend, for me to help you out in a hard – I mean – difficult time...” she bursts out laughing at that, “and here I am kissing you and getting a hard on and I’m really sorry. It happens in the mornings...”
She stops laughing then. “So, are you trying to say that that,” she eyes his trousers pointedly, “has nothing to do with me?”
“No! Well, yes... I mean, no it has nothing... um... I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell me the truth, Matt, I’ve heard too many lies from Ralph, I don’t need any more.”
“Then yes,” he replies quietly, unable to look her in the eye, “it may have had something to do with you.”
She bites her lip as she drags herself closer to him, not letting go of the duvet over her chest. “Matt?” Her voice is quiet.
“I like you Alex, you must know that.”
She nods slowly, eyes searching his.
“And I don’t want to take advantage of you when you’re in a state...”
“You won’t be.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you...”
“I asked you to. And I kissed you first, remember?”
“Alex...”
“Matt, please?”
“I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry.”
“Just kiss me,” she leans over him once more, coaxing him back into her arms with soft, sweet kisses and he soon follows her.
She manages to drag him almost on top of her before he pulls back, breathless.
“No, Alex, we can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Ralph? You?”
“What about me?”
“You’re still a... I can’t do that to you, Alex.”
“What if I want you to?”
“What about Ralph?”
“I don’t give a shit about Ralph. It’s over between us. He can go hang for all I care. I want you.”
“But, Alex, you’re not ready.”
“I am...”
“You were just saying, how you and Ralph...”
“Please don’t mention him again. I know, I wasn’t ready with him, but I am with you. It’s what I want.”
“Alex...”
“Please? Matt, I want this. I want you. You’re such a good friend. You’re more than a friend really and I can’t believe I couldn’t see that from the beginning. You’ve always been there for me, whenever I need you, no questions asked. We have so much fun together and get along really well and like the same things. It’s ridiculous that I’ve let my relationship with Ralph go on this long when I have you right in front of me...”
He cuts her off then, kissing her with all his might. It’s still gentle and caring, not demanding or rough. It makes her want him even more.
“Please Matt. Please touch me.”
“Are you sure, Alex? ‘Cause I have honestly wanted to be this close to you ever since I met you, but I can wait. If you have any doubts? If you’re not quite ready? I don’t mind...”
“You are so good to me, Matt. Why did I not see it before?”
“I care a great deal about you, Alex.”
“I care about you, too.”
He strokes a few unruly curls from her forehead before kissing her there, then delicately on the bruise on her cheek and she whimpers, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing his lips to her own.
“Please, Matt? Please?” She pulls the duvet from between them and the skin of their chests meets as she kisses him desperately.
“I don’t want to crush you...”
“You won’t,” she insists as she pulls him further over her, and he settles his hips between her legs.
He lifts himself over her on his elbows as he gazes into her eyes. “You’re beautiful, Alex,” he whispers and her breath catches in her throat. She tries to read his face as he allows himself to glance down between them, smiling at the adoration in his eyes as he takes her in. “So, so beautiful.” She kisses him again. She can’t get enough of him. This is it. She is so sure. She’s never been this sure of anything her entire life. She wasn’t even this sure about going to RADA. She wants him. And she wants him now.
She wraps her legs around his jean clad hips and cups his face in her hands before raking her fingers through his hair. Oh god, he’s beautiful too. She just wants to hold him close, so close, climb under his skin until they become one person.
“Please touch me, darling,” she breathes by his ear and feels him shiver.
He looks down at her again before raising a hand slowly to her cheek, running it tenderly down her jaw and neck, then lightly across her chest – watching as he goes – until he reaches a dusky nipple, which he circles leisurely, four, five times before brushing his thumb over the pert nub causing her to gasp.
“Are you alright?” he asks, his hand pausing in action.
“Fine,” she nods and smiles, breathing shakily.
“We don’t have to do this. I can stop...”
“No!” she shakes her head vehemently, “No, darling, please don’t stop.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Please?”
“Okay,” his fingers start circling her other nipple, “but if you want me to stop at any point, just say so, and I will.” He stops his movements and looks at her pointedly when she doesn’t reply.
“Yes. Okay, I will. Thank you.” She nods, reaching a kind hand up to his cheek. He turns his head and kisses her palm before his hand starts moving on her chest again.
He repeats the same action over and over, showering each breast with the same attention until she becomes restless and needy beneath his hands.
“I’m not going any further until you show me you honestly want more,” he reminds her and she sighs harshly, although she really is thankful he’s taking it slow and letting her stay in control.
She lifts her head and pecks him on the lips in thanks before snaking her hands down between them and fiddling with the fastening on his belt. She frowns, her tongue between her teeth, in concentration as she tries to work it open while he continues caressing her breasts.
“Oh,” she huffs, “stop playing with my boobs and help me, will you?”
He lets out an indignant squeak at that. “I am not ‘playing with your boobs’, Alex...”
She looks at him pointedly, then her chest and his hands, and then him again.
“Alright, so I am, but that’s not the way I’d put it...”
“So, what way would you put it?” she smiles as he takes over with his belt and flies, shuffling his jeans off when she gestures for him to do so.
“I would say I’m... I dunno... stroking your, um, breasts... no that doesn’t sound good either...”
“Well, it does...” she begs to differ.
“I mean,” he huffs, “it’s like saying I’m fucking you, when actually, I’m making love...”
“Which are we doing?”
“Well, neither at the moment...”
“Matt...” she warns, “which are we about to do?”
“Do you even have to ask that question, Alex?” he looks at her seriously as he twirls a curl around his finger. She sucks in a sharp breath. “If we get there, I’ll be making love to you.”
“Matt,” she whimpers.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Oh god,” she breathes against his lips before kissing him. She runs her hands down his back and over his arse, slipping them under the waistband of his boxers, pulling his hips into her and making him moan. She can feel his hard length nudge against her through the fabric of their underwear and it sends a hot thrill up her spine. She brings her hands back out and buries them back in his hair. They’re safe there. They won’t do anything she’s not ready for. God, she wants him, but she’s terrified.
“You okay?”
“Mmmhmm,” she nods, biting her lip.
“You sure? You look worried...”
“I’m a little scared but...”
“Then let’s not do this now...”
“No! Please? I want to. Matt, I really want to. I’m always going to be a little nervous, it’s my first time, but I do want it, honestly I do. I promise I’ll tell you if I want you to stop. Please? I trust you. And I think I... umm... wait, never mind. Forget that last part.”
“What? Alex, what were you going to say?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. Please? Can we just...?”
“It does matter. What is it? You know you can tell me anything.”
She worries her bottom lip and shakes her head.
“Alex...?”
“I’ll tell you after.”
“After?”
“Yeah, after we’ve – you know – please?”
“God,” he drops his head to her shoulder, “I love you, Alex, but I don’t think I can do this...”
“You what?” she gasps, eyes wide.
“I can’t do this to you...”
“No. Before that? You said... did you say you love me?”
He nods. “I love you.”
A smiles crawls across her face. “Then I don’t have to wait ‘til afterwards...”
“What?”
“I love you, too.”
“You do?”
“It’s what I was about to say – and I think I love you – but then I backtracked ‘cause I didn’t want to scare you away.”
“Oh, Alex, you silly goose,” he kisses her.
“I’m not a goose,” she says stubbornly.
“No,” he giggles, “you most certainly are not.”
They kiss and giggle and whisper a while until Matt’s hands wander and she feels him stroke tender fingers up and down the outside and inside of her thigh.
“Matt, please touch me. I am so more than ready for you now,” she whimpers, raising her hips to his hand.
On his next stroke up the inside of her thigh, he keeps going and she gasps as he brushes against her sex through the lace.
“Are you sure?” he whispers by her ear before kissing her behind it. She shivers at the tingly warmth she feels and nods, turning her head to kiss him on the lips.
His hands hook under the elastic of her knickers and he drags them down her legs before throwing them across the room and crawling back over her carefully. She parts her legs and welcomes him between them, weaving her fingers through his hair and keeping him close. His right hand tentatively makes its way through tight curls and he soothes her with kisses, keeping her calm as he explores her delicately.
She jumps occasionally as his fingers slip over her clit, and rolls her hips eagerly as he rubs them through her folds, moaning and whimpering into the soft caress of his mouth. He takes it slowly, easing her into it and coaxing her arousal. It’s a long while before he moves his fingers to her entrance, but he circles them there for a time, until she starts getting restless, before slowly, gently, pressing one inside her.
She gasps and breaks away from his kiss.
“Are you alright?” he pauses in his movements, ready to stop if she needs him to.
“Mmm, yes,” she nods hesitantly, “I’m... I’m fine.”
“We can stop?”
“No! Keep going, it feels good.” She scrapes her nails lightly across his scalp, loving the purr he lets slip, before kissing him again. But he pulls back from it after a second and watches her as he presses inside her once more.
A heat floods her body at the sensation and she whimpers as he moves his finger in and out of her.
Gradually, the feeling becomes less foreign and she enjoys it, encouraging him further. He takes his finger out and sucks on it before replacing it and carefully adding a second. Her sharp intake of breath causes him to halt, but she shakes her head and wraps her hand around his wrist, persuading him to continue.
He keeps moving his hand inside her, smoothly, tenderly, lovingly, bending down to kiss her, to check she’s still alright. And steadily her breathing increases. Her heart rate speeds up and she feels a heat blush from her toes to her ears. She clings on to his biceps as the strange new feeling overwhelms her, whimpering and moaning and rocking her hips in encouragement. It feels good. She’s not felt it before but it definitely feels good and she doesn’t want him to stop.
Ever.
“Matt,” she whimpers.
“You’re alright, Alex,” he breathes, kissing her once more, “just tell me if you want me to stop.”
“No. Don’t stop,” she pants, before the fire takes over and races through her body; she gasps and throws her head back, digging her nails into his arms, and shaking all over. He gently removes his fingers from her and she comes down from her high, gulping in air and eyes glazed. “Wow.”
Matt chuckles as he licks his fingers clean. “I could say the same thing.”
“What was...? That was amazing? I’ve never felt anything like that before.”
“Mmm,” he nods, “You do know what that was, Alex.”
“Was that an orgasm?”
“Everyone experiences them differently, but I believe so.”
“Does it feel like that for you? When you orgasm?”
“Err,” he chuckles, “I’m not sure. Probably not, but I assure you it’s just as good.”
“Okay, it’s your turn,” she states stubbornly, “How do I do that to you?”
“Oh ho, Alex, no,” he shakes his head, encouraging her to lie back down. “Let me just take care of you, sweetheart.”
“You just did,” she purrs.
“Well, yeah okay, but that was just the beginning...”
“You mean there’s more?”
“Um, yeah, there’s...” he looks down himself at his proud erection and then back to Alex, laughing at the twinkle in her eye. “You know there’s more.”
“Of course. I’m not that naive – I’ve just never...” she looks down at the bulge in his boxers and gulps.
“You don’t have to, Alex, if you’re not ready.”
“I know I don’t have to, darling. I want to. If that was anything to go by, I think I’m going to rather like sex.”
He beams. “Well, don’t get your hopes up, ‘cause the first time is always painful.”
“Yeah I’ve heard that, but you didn’t hurt me just now...”
“I’m rather bigger than my fingers, Alex. But I’m gentle...”
“I know you are.”
“Are you sure you want to do this.”
“I’m positive.”
He studies her carefully for a moment, gauging her, trying to catch her out, but she holds his gaze and is determined this is what she wants to do.
“Okay,” he smiles, “in there are some condoms, pick a colour,” he nods towards the bedside drawer and she scrambles to attention while he shuffles out of his boxers. “How did I guess you’d pick dark blue,” he giggles as she holds the foil packet delicately between her thumb and forefinger.
He kisses her as he takes it off her.
She watches him with rapt attention as he tears it open and rolls it over himself. He’s right; he is bigger than his fingers. And although he didn’t hurt her before, it was a surprise. And she’s always been told the first time hurts. Hence why she’d been so resistant to letting Ralph have his way with her; she’s sure if she’d let him it would have hurt a hell of a lot more than it’s about to with Matt.
“You ready?” he pulls her from her reverie.
She takes a deep breath to calm herself. “Yes,” she nods and then bites her lip as she settles into the pillow on her back.
“You sure?”
“Yes!” she insists and pulls him down to her for another kiss, and while she’s distracted he takes himself in hand and positions himself at her entrance before ever so slowly pushing in.
She gasps immediately, grabbing his shoulders and he resists the urge to just pull out and stop.
“You okay?” he pauses instead.
“Mmmhmm,” she worries her bottom lip, her eyes darting between his. “Keep going.”
He does. Very slowly. Inch by agonising inch he gradually sinks inside her. She feels amazing; like coming home. He always knew she would.
She can feel herself stretching around him. A new, not entirely unpleasant feeling. It hurts a little, but to be honest, she was expecting worse. She’s so glad it’s Matt though, not Ralph – god, she doesn’t want to think about him while she’s here, right now – Ralph would have hurt her, he wouldn’t have been slow and gentle, just taking what he wants whenever he wants it. She’s so glad she’s finally found sense; found Matt.
Matt pauses again once he’s seated fully inside her and he kisses her softly as he allows her to adjust.
“How are you doing?” he asks kindly.
“Wonderfully,” she sighs. It doesn’t hurt anymore, there’s just a dull ache where her muscles are adjusting, but she’s definitely ready for him. So she tells him so.
He ever so carefully pulls back until he is almost out of her, before slowly pushing back inside.
She knows it must be agony for him to be going so slowly, but she loves him all the more for it. He’s taking care of her, and it makes her want to cry with joy and relief.
He pulls out and pushes in again, a tiny bit faster this time and she moans at the amazing sensations it causes deep within her.
“You like that, do you?” he smiles fondly.
“Oh yes,” she breathes, “it does feel good.”
“I’m glad.”
“You can go a little faster, darling,” she feels bad for him, having to go slow for her, she’s sure she can take a bit more.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t. I’ll tell you if you do and we can slow down again.”
“If you’re sure...”
“I’m sure,” she wraps her arms around his neck and loses herself in kissing him.
He does speed up, but only a little, causing a smooth friction that slowly builds up a simmer under her skin. She lifts a leg over his hip to see what happens, changing the angle and subsequently sending him deeper and she gasps.
“Sorry!”
“No, I’m fine,” she shakes her head, “just wasn’t expecting it.”
“You moved your leg,” he chastises.
“I know,” she giggles.
“You’re going to be so much fun.”
“I already am, darling.”
“This is true,” he brushes his nose with hers and changes the angle of his thrusts so that his pelvis rubs against her clit with each stroke. She moans as the fire rages inside her once more and squeezes her eyes shut, scratching her nails down his back and shuddering as she comes once more.
Matt soon follows her, shouting her name into her neck as his thrusts become hard and erratic.
Alex cries out in unexpected pain just as he comes and he hurriedly pulls out of her as soon as he can see straight again.
“I’m sorry, Alex, are you alright? Did I hurt you?”
“No, no darling, I’m fine. It just got a bit intense at the end there.”
“I’m sorry,” he drops his head to her shoulder and kisses her there before finding her lips.
“I’m fine. No harm done. That was amazing, once again,” she giggles.
“Was for me too,” he admits, “my god, Kingston, you’ll be the death of me.”
“Oh it can’t have been that good, I’ve never done it before, I had no idea what to do...”
“Doesn’t matter,” he says solemnly, “you were incredible.”
She beams and kisses him once more before he levers himself off her and disposes of the condom.
“Can we do that again tomorrow,” she asks shyly as she snuggles into his side, pillowing her head on his shoulder.
He chuckles happily, “of course. If you’re sure you’re up for it.”
“Oh, definitely.”
“You may be a little sore...”
“I’m sure I can cope.”
“You liked it then?”
“Oh yes, it was so much better than I expected. I can see why people say they enjoy sex.”
“Alex, it hurt you, and it didn’t last long – if that beat your expectations and you actually enjoyed it then I can’t wait ‘til tomorrow when I can start to show you what it should really feel like to have sex.”
“You mean, it gets better?”
“It most certainly does get better, Alex, and I’m sure you’re going to become insatiable.”
“I sure hope so,” she bites her lip, glancing down at him before kissing him again. She can’t get enough of him. She’s so glad she did this. Then it hits her; she’s no longer a virgin. But she’s over the moon about it. If it had been Ralph she was lying with right now, she’d feel like he’d stolen something from her, but with Matt, she feels like she’s been given a precious gift and she is never going to give it away.