Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

i.vii - crescendo.

a musical direction indicating that the tone is to be gradually increased in force or loudness; a progressive increase in force or effect.

~ 𝞫 ~

“You should come for Bounty’s End this year. I think you would enjoy it.”

When Zo had called them in the middle of their lunch, Beta had been expecting some light updates about increased Skydrifter problems Plainsong had been having or questions about her baby’s development as she was entering the middle of her pregnancy. Both of those things had come up and been pleasantly discussed, but they had now apparently entered the ‘Get Beta Outside’ chapter of their conversation, a topic that had become increasingly common over the past few weeks. Now that she was making minimal progress on her physical training, the others were beginning to drop larger and larger hints that she should start to branch out socially. Or, more accurately, be able to exist comfortably in public literally at all.

Beta felt herself beginning to deflate already. “… Are there going to be a lot of people there?”

Zo nodded but offered her a soft smile.

“You may find that it is much easier to slip away and be lost in a crowd than it is to try and hide oneself among only a few. Fall’s final harvest always brings a great amount of revelry. Everyone will be very distracted. And, if it does prove too much too soon, we will be there to ensure you are left alone to rest.”

It was a reasonable proposal of a plan with a solid solution for the most plausible complication likely to arise mid-execution. It had also already been determined, with Kotallo’s concurrence, that Plainsong would be a far more suitable first introduction to a crowded settlement than any of the nearby Tenakth villages. The Desert Clan apparently had a reputation for intense introductions and a tendency to challenge people for fun, even more frequently than other Tenakth clans .

Still, Beta was concerned this would prove too much for her. Zo had made it seem like Bounty’s End was a major Utaru holiday, one large and important enough that people travelled from other settlements to Plainsong’s centre to celebrate. Thousands of bodies tucked into a small patch of land, making lots of noise and drinking heavily.

“You should come as well, Kotallo,” Zo then added, directing her attention to the Marshal. “You were in such a rush last time you passed through that we barely had a chance to speak.”

Kotallo grimaced. “I did not believe that your people were very appreciative of a Tenakth Marshal arriving upon them unannounced.”

“And this time, it would not be unannounced. Once it is clear that you are attending for personal reasons, no one will bother you.”

Kotallo continued to look skeptical and, if he couldn’t be convinced, Beta wasn’t going to humour the idea of being unceremoniously dropped off like she was a kid at a summer camp she didn’t want to attend.

“Well, I’m not going if you’re not going,” she asserted, giving him a quick nudge with her elbow.

He knit his brows together and his frown softened. After a moment, he let out a sigh.

“I suppose that it would be wise to have someone available who could escort Beta back to the Base, if necessary.” He leaned toward her. “But that is, of course, up to you.”

Zo looked to her expectantly, eyes warm and hopeful. She just wants to help, Beta thought. It’s been so long since you’ve been able to see her in person. Are you really going to pass up the opportunity?

“Um. Okay. Sure, yeah. Might as well get it over with.” She kind of wanted to take it back immediately and refuse, but the damage had already been done. At least she could begin to emotionally prepare herself for it now.

“I’m going to try to be there too,” Aloy finally interjected, her voice hushed.

“Why are you whispering?” Beta asked. Her sister had dropped into the call late, sans projection, and had been silent for the majority of the conversation since.

“Yes, you’ve been so quiet that I was wondering if you were still here,” Zo noted.

“No, no! I am! Everything’s fine!” Aloy tried to reassure, though her whisper-shouting was not helping to support her argument. “I’m just scouting out around the desert and I think a Watcher may have wandered outside of my tent. Or two.” Another beat of silence. “Maybe a Stalker, but I’m still listening! Go on.”

“Perhaps you should call back when you’re sure you’re in the clear,” Kotallo suggested with a look of concern.

“It’s alright. I’m being paranoid-” There was a loud cracking sound from somewhere in Aloy’s vicinity. No one dared speak for a moment.

Aloy eventually spoke again, sounding slightly more frantic. “I’ll be there. Probably late. I have to go now.” And she exited from the call.

Zo shook her head, voicing the sentiment that all three of them were thinking. “As capable as she may be, she still finds new ways to concern me.”

~ 𝞫 ~

Beta had never ventured far from the Eastern entrance to the Base but, looking at how beautiful the trees and fields were there, as Zo led them closer to the heart of Utaru territory, she could imagine herself doing so more frequently in the future.

“And you’ve been eating all the folic acid abundant crops that you have available?”

“Yes, Beta. I have been eating lots and lots of iron leaf. So much that I may never have any ever again after the baby is born.”

“Good, because folic acid is extremely important!”

They eventually arrived at Zo’s new hut — ‘new’ being relative to the past few months. Zo had mentioned upon arriving back at Plainsong for the first time post-split that she was having some difficulty adjusting to communal sleeping arrangements after having her own separate space for so long. Erend and Aloy then decided to call in a favour to a friend of theirs in Chainscrape, who promptly sent over a small team of builders to help Zo construct a more private abode that could let her continue her work. It was far enough from the outskirts of the dishes to maintain peace and quiet, while also still being close enough to do her Gravesinger duties and seek help in an emergency.

The architecture was a nice mixture of Oseram and Utaru design aesthetics, making something that reminded Beta of an Old World yurt. There was a main area with a large table and stray seating, where Zo appeared to be keeping any unidentified communications tech she had come across. On the other side of the hut was Zo’s bed. Beta had suggested to her that she raise it off of the ground sooner than later, before her mobility began to be affected by the baby’s growth, and she had clearly taken that advice.

Beta and Kotallo began to unpack their things. They were going to at least stay overnight, Beta sleeping on the floor inside and Kotallo insisting he set up his own tent outside. He claimed it was to give the women privacy, but Beta knew it was probably he who wanted to be left alone.

“I actually brought something for you,” Beta remembered. She carefully removed a bundle of parchment from her bag and untied the twine keeping it together. When she set it on the table and unfolded it, the edges pulled back to reveal some of the flowers she and Zo had pressed so many months ago. Castilleja, lupinus argenteus, aquilegia scopulorum. All in a variety of shapes and colours, flattened perfectly against the surface, almost as though they were two dimensional illustrations and not real, organic matter that had grown from the ground.

“The firepetals pressed beautifully!” Zo exclaimed.

“I know you were nervous that we’d bruise them, but I think they all turned out alright.” A little more than alright, considering they had never done it before. Beta was actually very proud of herself for preparing them correctly but she was trying to practice humility. Once is an accident, twice a coincidence, three times a pattern. She would need to be able to replicate the results before she could properly celebrate.

Zo raised an eyebrow at her and smiled. “I see that you’ve chosen to keep the bluestars.”

“You don’t mind, do you?”

“Of course not,” she chuckled. “You seemed fond of them.”

And Beta had been. The ‘bluestars’ were what would have been known Pre-Plague as linum lewisii — the common name being prairie flax. Beta hadn’t thought she was much of a flower person until she found herself drawn to so many in her favourite colours. Partially because her favourite colours were all named after the flowers that they resembled most: cornflower, lavender, lilac, periwinkle. A lot of soft blues and purples, but periwinkle was her ultimate favourite and these prairie flax were the closest she had come to seeing them in real life.

Once they had settled, there was nothing left to do but head over to Plainsong proper.

Though she had attempted to spend the last few days of travel reframing her anxiety into something closer to excitement, Beta had been less than successful. The further they moved along the path, the more people began to pop into view. She could hear the growing presence of singing and laughter, music soaring out along the breeze. There were people dancing and torches being erected in preparation for when the sun started to set. All things that would have been open invitations to anyone other than her.

Zo walked them to the edge of the festivities, which had formed around the dishes in a large ring where the fields had just been harvested. The Utaru would be back to sowing and tending in the following days but, for now, they would enjoy the fruits of their labour.

“Now, I encourage you to join in on the celebration whenever you’re moved to, but feel no pressure. Many choose not to participate and simply watch.”

Beta’s expression must have given away her nerves, as Zo settled a hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“Thoughts?”

“It, uh…” Beta struggled to gather her words, sounds blending around her in a slurry of distraction. “It’s busy.”

She swept a glance around the area. A group of children were peeking at them from around a corner, giggling. However, it seemed that they were more entranced by Kotallo’s presence than hers, looking upwards in awe at the tall Tenakth Marshal dressed head to toe in full armour. He threw a look over his shoulder to see what was going on, causing them to gasp and scatter. Beta held back a giggle as Zo continued on their tour.

“The Feasting Circle is where most of the food can be found. There are also weaves and flowers for sale, if you have any interest.”

She showed them where the performance stages were, as well as where the spirits could be sampled. Beta wasn’t sure today would be the best time to test how much of a lightweight she was. While they were entering the market, a voice called out to Zo. When Beta turned around, she was struck by the sight of the stranger greeting them. It was an older man, dressed in Utaru clothes but covered in Tenakth markings and Desert Clan paint.

The man raised a hand to hail them before heading in their direction. “Zo! I see your companions are here.”

“Veteran.” Kotallo straightened his posture and gave a short salute.

Said Veteran was taken aback, as was Beta. A plain salute without any added flourishes or signals was a sign of immense respect, usually reserved for high ranking positions of leadership.

After the action had finally sunk in, the man responded in turn with his own salute and a firm nod. “Marshal,” he acknowledged.

Zo stepped forward. “Jaxx, this is Aloy’s sister, Beta.”

“Well met, Beta.” Jaxx instantly relaxed, ‘at attention’ one moment and ‘at ease’ the next. It wasn’t duplicitous in nature or uncanny at all. He had clearly spent quite a lot of time among the Utaru and had, at least partially, assimilated. Though, from the paint he still wore, it was obvious that he had chosen to ‘keep face’ as the Tenakth called it.

A sad thought occurred to her — that this man was now without a squad, a sword among sickles and plows. How long had it been since he had someone to bare his face to?

“Has the situation been resolved?” Zo inquired.

Jaxx nodded. “Yes. Safe and sound.”

He turned back to Beta and Kotallo with a smirk. “Young ones are always using big events like this as a distraction to get their hands on things they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s just best to tuck them away until everything has died down.”

“Most Tenakth celebrations do not excuse one from patrol duty for that exact reason,” Kotallo mused. The Veteran laughed.

“Seems I will be a one-man-patrol then tonight.” Jaxx looked over to Beta, his eyes clearly drawn to her hair. “Zo had mentioned that you would be attending. I hadn’t known you and your sister were twins. I thought you were younger than her for some reason.” He was teasing, not impolitely, but the comment still pissed Beta off for reasons she didn’t feel like unpacking at that particular moment.

“I’m actually older,” she corrected, taking care not to sound too vexed. “By quite a few minutes.” Two months worth of minutes, but he doesn’t need to know that.

He didn’t seem to pick up on any underscoring annoyance. “Well, I hope you enjoy your time here. If there is anything you need help with, just ask.”

After that, Zo told them that she had some things to attend to and that they should feel free to wander around at their own pace. It made Beta nervous to have her go, but she knew that Kotallo wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. He had promised that he would not leave her side unless absolutely necessary and she was going to hold him to that.

Right now though, Kotallo’s eyes were still trained on the Veteran in the distance, his paint like a giant red flag waving among the sea of green around him.

“Everything okay?” Beta asked.

Kotallo continued to watch as Jaxx disappeared through the crowd. “… Yes,” he eventually answered.

“People must consider it pretty honourable to do his line of work if you saluted him.”

“Not nearly enough,” Kotallo sighed. “It is a difficult thing to leave your home to take a new mantle you would not have chosen for yourself. He seems committed to doing his duty. That should be commended.”

There was still a distant look in his eye, like something was bothering him, racing in the back of his mind. But quickly, he gathered himself and offered a smile.

“What would you like to do first?”

Food was the first thing on her mind, having worked up a decent appetite on the last leg of their journey to get there. Luckily, the Feasting Circle had lots of options to try, just as Zo had said. Seemingly endless tables full of them. Some tables had even been set with variations on the same few ingredients, demonstrating their versatility. If you asked Beta, she would have said that most of them tasted virtually the same. She wasn’t complaining, though. The consistency was comforting for her and allowed her to try more than she may have otherwise. Apparently, some of the younger Utaru, who had done most of the hunting when it was still necessary, had developed more of a taste for meat, so there were sparing options for that as well. But the overwhelming majority was still entirely plant-based.

Now, was Elisabet a vegan or a vegetarian? Beta couldn’t fully remember which it was that she had read, but she knew that it was one of them. Not that it mattered very much. Mostly she was thinking of it as the only frame of reference for comparison, considering how ‘modern’ an intentional diet choice it felt. Or, she supposed, what would now be ‘ancient.’ If anything, it would probably be easier to maintain an entirely vegan diet now, since there were so few domesticated animals. From what Kotallo had told her, Sky Clan were really the only Tenakth clan to regularly use cheese and eggs in all forms were considered novel to almost everyone.

Once they had their fill, Beta decided that she wanted to see what the market had for offer. A souvenir for the experience wouldn’t hurt, if all went well. Otherwise, she could just throw whatever she got off the side of the mountain and forget about it. There were wood carvings and children’s toys, weaves and fabrics, crafts and commodities of all kind. Something in the distance caught Beta’s eye, however.

“Oh look, flowers!” she exclaimed. Maybe the shop would have some prairie flax for her to bring back to the Base so that she could give pressing them another go. She could directly compare them to the ones she had already and determine what conditions and variables could improve the process.

She started to head toward the table, Kotallo following suit, but she stopped herself abruptly.

“Wait. Just give me second.”

Kotallo listened and paused. She felt a little awkward doing this directly in front of him, so she faced away and focused inward. This was the first time she would ever independently introduce herself to someone. Even if it was just transactional, she wanted to get it right.

Hello! I understand they may not be in season, but I was wondering if you happened to have any ‘bluestars’ available for purchase? Beta let the words roll over her brain a few items, mouthing them to herself and puzzling them together to experiment with phrasing before turning around again. Kotallo was waiting patiently for her, as if nothing she was doing was out of the ordinary. Her heart swelled in appreciation.

She approached, the merchant stationed there bent over and minding his wares. She waited quietly for the opportunity to speak, not wanting to interrupt… And also maybe stalling a little bit.

“Good evening! How may I- Ah!”

When the merchant stood and caught a glimpse of Kotallo lurking behind her, he startled like someone who had found themselves in sudden close quarters with a piles of snakes, not a man. A tight, barely passable smile stretched across his face as he locked his gaze upon Beta directly.

“Good evening. How may I help you?”

Beta was completely thrown. Huh? What? How dare you? I’m sorry? What was this guy’s problem? Had he never seen a Tenakth before? She knew that couldn’t be true if Jaxx was walking around. Why was he the one acting like he was brand new to this? If anyone had permission to make this conversation weird, it was her, but now this stranger had made it nearly impossible for her to continue the interaction.

“U-uh, well… Do you… Uh-” She attempted to finish her script as planned, just to get it over with and move on. But she found that the words would not string together properly.

“Bluestars,” Kotallo interrupted bluntly. “Do you have any?”

The merchant’s false smile dropped for a second before he fixed it again, less successfully this time. “No, I’ve unfortunately run dry of them an hour ago. So sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Beta managed to force out. “I’ll just take a look at what’s here.” She wasn’t keen on sticking around much longer but leaving immediately would have felt like this man had won, and she wasn’t willing to give him the satisfaction.

The merchant’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of them, always lingering slightly longer on Kotallo. As though he was going to suddenly leap forward and attack.

“The stall will be closing soon, actually,” he informed them.

Something in Beta snapped, tipping over the edge of frustration straight into rage. She had completely had it with this guy. He had somehow managed to wear away at all of her very well trained patience in a matter of seconds and she was not going to waste any more time arguing for her right to spend valuable shards at a business that clearly didn’t want their patronage.

“You know what? I don’t think I want any of your flowers. I’ll just pick some out of a ditch somewhere and it will basically be the same thing, right?”

The merchant gasped in shock. Before she went to leave, Beta leaned in sharply across the table, causing him to stumble back.

“Asshole,” she spat. Then she turned and walked away.

Beta made a straight march down the market path until she felt herself being pulled aside, through the stalls. Before she could start screaming, she realized that it was Kotallo. He shepherded them behind the aisles and into the small gap left between tents. When he let go of her arm, he stepped aside, away from view, his hand moving to cover his face.

He’s about to chew you out for this. You probably embarrassed him. Do you really think he needs you, of all people, to stand up for him?

She was proven incorrect when he faced her again.

No. He was just laughing. So hard that he was crying.

Beta frowned. “I’m glad you find this funny.”

They paused for a moment to let him catch his breath, tucked between the temporary huts that made up the festival market. Nobody seemed to pay them much attention. They were thoroughly sheltered from view by stacks of large fruit baskets and freshly-dyed textiles hanging to dry.

“That was worth the whole trip.” Kotallo was wiping the last tears from his eyes, taking care not to disturb the paint there, somehow still clinging for its life.

“Really? Because that was the first real conversation I’ve tried to engage with outside of the team and it ended with me insulting a man to his face.”

He shrugged, grinning. “Nothing said was incorrect.”

“Well, he was being an asshole! To you specifically. I wasn’t going to give let him have the last word.”

“A biting tone will not leave any wounds for me to tend to. Worry not.”

Beta looked at him — bright and shiny and familiar as he was to her currently — and tried to remember what she had seen before, when she had convinced herself that he was Other. Before they had ever exchanged any words. As it was now, she found it practically impossible. Even the roughest edges and sharpest points of him felt innate and organic. They were not accessory but instead an extension of what was already there, protecting the precious cargo at its centre. She had been patient enough to get the privilege to learn that. It wasn’t his fault if others weren’t willing to do the same.

“It doesn’t bother you when people are scared of you?” she asked hesitantly. “For no reason?”

The question finally seemed to dampen his mirth as he thought it over, but only by a fraction. “Most times,” he decided. “I will lose no sleep over what he thinks of me, at the least.”

The rest of the evening continued, the two of them drifting in an out of different areas, exploring what was available. Neither of them were the dancing type, so they stayed aside and enjoyed the music on their own. Zo found them at some point to inform them that she was going back to her hut to rest and they wished her well.

Soon after, Beta noticed that things were beginning to move toward the centre of the celebration, people leaving their stalls and stages to gather. She figured that they must have been preparing for some kind of special event or ceremony. But as the area became more concentrated and the space around her was whittled away to be filled with the bodies of strangers, Beta’s stomach started to knot. Suddenly, the hairs stood on the back of her neck and she could feel her lungs lock up against her will. The bar for social interaction had been filled and she was starting to overload.

“Are you alright?” Kotallo asked her, leaning in from behind to whisper over her shoulder.

“There are too many people.” And it’s too loud and they keep bumping into me and I think I’m about to start crying.

He nodded and immediately put his arm around her to guide them away from the crowd. “Let’s go for a walk.”

They left the festival area and made their way into the surrounding fields. The sky was still clear and bright, so they weren’t concerned about the weather turning on them. There were still small groups of people gathered out and about, but it was already much easier for Beta to tune out the noise and focus.

Along the grid that made up the crop lands, a large log had found its way onto the path. Beta could imagine the farmers using it between work hours, resting their feet and chatting with each other. She hopped up to walk across it, testing her balance, which had been steadily improving.

“When I talk to people, I sound ‘normal,’ right?” Beta asked, breaking the silence.

Kotallo raised an eyebrow and chuckled. “In what way?”

“That I have anything over less than a year’s worth of experience talking face-to-face with other humans?”

Her foot slipped then and he quickly raised his hand to help her make the rest of the distance.

“Even among my people, there are some who are more quiet or timid than others. No one will assume anything of you.” He gave her hand a light squeeze. “And you sounded very confident speaking to that merchant.”

They walked a bit longer until Beta saw what looked like a flower garden approaching in the distance.

“This must be where that guy grows his merchandise,” Beta noted.

Once they got closer, her eyes were immediately drawn to the large, bright blue patch of prairie flax, front and centre.

“And over there are the ones that I was asking about. He probably had them hiding behind the table.”

“You should take some,” Kotallo suggested.

Beta shook her head. “I’m not going to do that without paying for them. Even if he was a total dick.”

“I do not understand what their appeal is to begin with.” He gestured to the several plots of flowers before them. “They aren’t medicinal. They don’t appear to be used for any inks or dyes. You can’t do anything with them. They’re simply going to sit and wither.”

Beta couldn’t blame him for not ‘getting’ the desire for flowers as decoration. She had learned many Tenakth aesthetic preferences and they seemed far more impressed with the strength and quality of materials being used than how pretty they were. Paint could always be continuously reapplied to something, if it lasted long enough. A sturdy base ensured that was possible. Still, it did seem a little callous to write them off completely, just because they weren’t immediately useful.

“They’re important for pollination,” she reasoned. “And doesn’t the March of the Ten end with soldiers picking a very wither-prone flower at the top of a mountain?”

He raised a finger in defence. “That is different. It is a symbolic feat.”

“Well, these are plenty symbolic for people too. There were entire trends in the Old World where they’d assign meanings to different flowers and try to communicate their feelings with them. Not sure how effective it was, but they tried.”

“Like a secret code?” Kotallo teased. “Recon messages?”

Beta rolled her eyes, but felt a smile breaking through. “More so people collectively deciding what’s popular and adopting it as a status symbol. It was mostly used as a complicated way of sending love notes or flirting.” She laughed. “Though, it’s probably possible to put a combination together that would tell someone you hated them and hoped they’d choke.” Maybe I should pick out a bouquet of those for that merchant.

Kotallo joined her in her laughter. “Quite a frivolous and idiotic way to attempt to partner with someone.”

Beta’s smile fell and she was very surprised to find it felt as though she had just been stabbed. That hadn’t been what she meant at all. It was a little silly to care so much about something as simple and perishable as a plant, yes, but it ‘idiotic’ was a harsh condemnation for which the crime did not match the punishment.

“I mean, I like flowers,” she stuttered out, feeling much more insecure than she did only seconds ago. “It’s supposed to be romantic.”

You say ‘supposed to’ because you wouldn’t really know from experience, would you? the voice in the back of her head chimed in, unhelpfully.

Kotallo froze completely. He stared at her, wide eyed, and air around them seemed to take his lead, sending a chill between them. Beta shrank in on herself, crossing her arms like it could do the work of a full set of armour to harbour her from both the elements and the conversation she found herself entrapped by.

He struggled to gather his words but managed to eventually get is thoughts in order. “Would you not be offended if, with all the work you must do, you were presented with a gift that had no purpose or point?”

He waited and watched her carefully, likely for approval, to help reassure himself that she wasn’t offended. Usually, Beta would offer that with little hesitation. He certainly looked genuinely remorseful. But something about this particular remark stung just a bit too much for her to ignore and move on.

“Maybe the frivolity is the point.”

This answer seemed to distress him further, a layer of confusion added to the already conflicting mixture of emotions he displayed.

“If you give someone something completely practical, you’re filling a need for them. It’s nice, but you could do that for anyone,” she tried to explain. “Give them something they don’t need but still like and, suddenly, it’s all about them. It says ‘I wanted an excuse to talk to you.’”

She shrugged and sighed, partially in frustration and partially in resignation.

“I don’t know. I’d like if someone gave me flowers.”

Kotallo nodded, though the tension didn’t leave his body. If anything, he may have become more stiff and physically distant. He had thoroughly reigned himself in, very different from the man that had been joking and laughing with her minutes earlier. On-Duty Kotallo had entered the battlefield so that Off-Duty Kotallo could retreat with his tail between his legs. And On-Duty Kotallo is basically a stranger at this point…

“… Perhaps Tenakth are not equipped for what others deem romantic,” he muttered. It felt like he was scolding himself.

All of a sudden, something like a horn rang out from not so far away. A low, resonant drone. The both of them turned toward it and it appeared to be coming from a small hut, a few fields from where they stood. When Beta glanced back at Kotallo, he almost looked shocked, as though he recognized the sound.

“What is it?” she asked.

Kotallo’s eyes narrowed, an aura coming upon him like he was readying himself for battle.

“I have to do something very unpleasant right now and it is best that you stay back.”

She grabbed him by the arm and held firm. “No. You’re not leaving me alone here. That wasn’t part of the deal.”

What did he expect her to do? Wander around the fields by herself while he bound off to whatever the hell ‘unpleasant’ thing he was about to go do? She wasn’t having it. No eavesdropping, no sulking in a corner to ruminate. Whatever was wrong, she needed to know what was happening.

Kotallo sighed in exasperation. “Fine. But you need to stay back and let me handle things.” He suddenly looked very anxious. “Trust me. Please,” he pleaded. She nodded and followed.

The sound grew louder as they closed in on the hut, less ornate than most of the others they had seen. The building was likely just meant for storage. Beta tried to mind her steps around the sticks and rocks that littered the ground, taking Kotallo’s lead to a silent approach.

It’s like we’re hunting something. The thought filled her with a sense of unease.

Kotallo motioned for her to wait outside the entrance, which she reluctantly did. Slowly and methodically, he pulled aside the flap obscuring whatever or whoever was inside.

The phantom horn player was… Beta wondered whether she would call him a ‘boy’ or a ‘man.’ He was young, but not much younger than herself and she would have found it incredibly condescending if someone barely older than her were to repeatedly refer to her as a ‘girl.’ She settled on ‘young man’ instead.

Said young man was dressed in Tenakth armour and covered, much like Jaxx, in Desert Clan paint. The space was sparse, only filled with a few spare crates and baskets, not holding food or wares but instead tools and equipment: ropes, nets, shovels, rakes, etc. He stood out against the wicker, like an axehead left imbedded in the trunk of a tree, swung too hard and too deep to retrieve again. There were bandages wrapped around his face, laid against his eyes. He hadn’t noticed them because he couldn’t see, the sound of his own instrument drowning out their arrival.

“That’s a unique horn you have,” Kotallo said, announcing his presence.

The young man jumped, dropping the horn and scrambling around to face the direction of Kotallo’s voice. “You startled me.”

“Apologies. I did not intend to.”

“Is there something I can help you with?” The question sounded like it was being asked out of obligation and not out of genuine interest. Like what he wanted was for them to go away.

Kotallo kept still, alert and observant, though his voice remained uncannily casual. “I was curious as to why you are here and not participating in the festivities.”

The young man sighed and settled down on the largest crate behind him.

“The children like to use big events like this as a distraction to get their hands on things they shouldn’t. So, they’re being tucked away until everything is over with.”

It was nearly the exact same thing that Jaxx had told them earlier, rattled out like it had been rehearsed, a scripted response if anyone happened to ask what he was doing.

“I’m here to… Well, not keep watch, but something close enough to it.”

An air of suspense began to grow, neither of the two of them speaking. Eventually, the young man had decided he’d had enough of the silence.

“Metalbite. From a Bristleback,” he explained stiffly. “If you were wondering how it happened.”

That seemed to be the first real thing to throw Kotallo off kilter, buttoned by a sharp inhale, but only for a moment. “… I had not been thinking of it,” he replied.

“Of course you weren’t.”

“I’ve never seen an Utaru in so much armour,” Kotallo pressed.

He’s trying to bait him into saying something, but what?

“… I’m not an Utaru.” The young man probably knew that lying wasn’t going to get him anywhere.

“Really? I saw another man with similar paint to yours, though he was dressed more like the others.”

“Jaxx. He was sent here as a Veteran. He’s been here much longer than I have.”

“So, you are not here for the same reason?”

Even with the bandages obscuring so much of his face, the young man looked extremely annoyed. “Why would they ever send a blind man as a Veteran?”

“I do not pretend to understand the logic of the Tenakth.”

Beta frowned. It felt gross to take advantage of someone’s disability in order to lie to them like that. Especially since this young man seemed particularly aware of what was going on. More aware than she was, at least.

What is the point of this, Kotallo? Why are we here? What are you doing? And why did it feel like everything was seconds away from going very wrong?

“Have we met before?” the young man questioned abruptly. “Your voice sounds very familiar.”

Kotallo paused for a moment. “No. I’m a guard with an Oseram caravan going back to Chainscrape,” he eventually answered. “We’re resupplying before heading out.”

He then frowned, some of the tension he had been clinging to since their disagreement in the flower garden releasing from him. “You’ll likely not hear from me again,” he added quietly.

The young man was not convinced. “Right.”

This is his job, Beta thought suddenly. Kotallo was a Marshal. He was tasked to uphold the law on Chief Hekarro’s behalf. Somewhere between a police officer and a feudal knight. He was interrogating him. For what reason, Beta could not tell, but acknowledging these facts made her unbelievably nervous.

“I am here because there is nowhere else for me to go,” the young man explained. “Had I stayed, my sister would have been giving up her entire life, all of her potential, just to try and take care of me. She wouldn’t have allowed the alternative.”

He stood and crossed his arms. Beta noticed now that his armour, while still obviously Tenakth, lacked the spikes and sharp machine parts she had come to expect from them. She could see where they may have been at some point, uneven edges and open seams peeking out from between the pieces. Did he remove them in an attempt to blend in? Perhaps to make it easier for others to reach out and guide him if he needed them to? Or, if the independence he was displaying right now indicated anything, did he do so entirely for himself?

“I have no regrets,” he asserted.

As the young man grew more secure with his answers, Kotallo seemed to be doing the inverse. “So you are… at peace here?” he asked, a tiredness to his voice creeping in. “Despite the circumstances.”

“It took time. I felt a lot of shame for it, at first. Asking for any kind of help seemed humiliating… and I needed a lot of help. I still do. There are also many things I yearn for. The food is bland. And the air is always too cold or too damp. Mostly, I just miss my sister.” The young man stopped to take a mournful moment to himself. Soon though, he gained momentum again, as clear and confident as ever. “But there are very kind people here. Even when their Land Gods were struck by the Derangement, many of them went out of their way to share what little they had with me. More of them than I ever thought would. I have people I would call friends. They aren’t the same as having a squad… Not yet. But they aren’t less than them either. I think… One day that’s what they’ll be. I just need more time.”

Kotallo had called their team a ‘squad’ several times before and Beta had begun to gather that the word held more weight to the Tenakth than almost any other title. You were born with family and, more often than not, those ties could be broken by an untimely death. That had been the case for Kotallo and, by the sound of it, for this young man as well. Friendship was also something that came with too many caveats to wrap up neatly into one little box. Sure, you could be willing to die for your friends, but that wasn’t always the case. Squadmates, however, were bonds that were forged by time and shared struggle. They were people who had seen the same hardships as you, who had watched you learn and grow. People who you needed to learn to trust and tolerate to keep you alive and vice versa. You would give your life because you knew that they would do the same at a moment’s notice.

“I’m not thankful for what happened to me. But I try to remind myself that I haven’t simply lost things. I’ve gained them too.”

The young man took a step forward. Beta was sure for a second that Kotallo was going to stumble backwards, but he stood his ground.

“And, any day now, a Marshal could come and put that to an end. Couldn’t they?”

More silence followed. Neither man spoke or moved. Neither wanted to be the first to set things in stone. All of them knew what the inevitable outcome of this was going to be, but the words still had to be said out loud to make it real.

“… I have a feeling you won’t need to worry about that anymore.”

The young man exhaled and all of the steel he had built up left his body at once. “You’re sure about that?” he asked, voice breaking.

Kotallo nodded. “I am.”

Beta heard someone approaching from behind. When she saw who it was, she rushed over to Kotallo to grab his arm.

“Um, Kotallo?” She tried to warn him that they should leave but she wasn’t fast enough.

Jaxx already had his spear readied when he reached them.

“Need I remind you, Marshal, that these are not the Clan Lands. You have no authority here. Not enough to drag away an innocent man in broad daylight.”

Kotallo turned around and it was as though none of the previous conversation had taken place at all, no uncertainty to be seen. “Is that something you would spit in the sand over?”

“Gladly,” Jaxx answered immediately. He had been prepared for this.

“No hesitation at all?”

“None. If that is what it comes to, so be it.”

A voice chimed out.

“Jaxx, it’s alright. He can leave.”

All three of them whipped their heads around, back to the young man in the hut, still standing alone among the crates and baskets. The reason why any of them were having this stand-off in the first place. Does what I think matter? his presence seemed to question them. Do I get a say in what happens here?

Jaxx looked doubtful, glancing back over to the Marshal blocking him. Then, Kotallo raised his hand to salute him for the second time that day.

“… Thank you for your service, Veteran.”

With one swift motion, Kotallo stepped around him and left, not sparing a single look to the scene behind him.

Beta raced after him, down the path and cutting through the last remains of recently harvested crops. “What just happened?”

Kotallo didn’t slow his pace. “That man is a deserter. I am obliged as a Marshal to bring him to the Grove for trial and likely execution.”

“But you’re letting him go?”

Kotallo turned and stared at her before nodding stiffly.

“Could you get in trouble for that?” Beta asked, using the opportunity to finally catch up to him.

“I am not planning to ever speak of it again. So, no.”

She stepped ahead of him on the path, forcing him to speak to her directly. “Is discrimination against disability so intense among the Tenakth that someone would rather run away than face it?”

Kotallo’s brows knit together and his frown tightened. “He was more likely attempting to avoid trial.”

“Did he steal something or… kill someone?” she leaned in to finish the question in a whisper. If she was being implicated in a larger conspiracy of some kind, she would have appreciated being informed ahead of time. Especially if this young man was truly ‘innocent,’ as Jaxx had said he was. She could keep a secret… hypothetically.

But Kotallo shook his head, his frustration clearly growing. “No. Neither of those things, Beta.”

Hesitation followed. There was more to this than he was willing to say. He could barely look her in the eye at this point. Eventually, however, he gave in.

“When a Tenakth is crippled, it is expected that we must face trial-by-combat against the machine that maimed us.”

Everything around them froze. Beta couldn’t hear any birds or music or people laughing in the distance. It felt like someone had suddenly sucked all of the oxygen out of valley and left them to slowly suffocate.

“That’s terrible. That’s evil.”

Kotallo flinched as though he had been slapped across the face. “I would not expect you to understand-”

“Do not insult me by looking me in the eye and telling me that you believe anything you just said was justifiable.”

“It is more complicated than that,” Kotallo tried to reason, dropping his voice. They had already travelled some distance away from Jaxx and the deserter but they were still out in the open. Privacy was not a guarantee.

“No, it isn’t!” Beta made no attempt to humour him. She didn’t care who overheard them. “You’re telling me that it’s a crime to be disabled in the Clan Lands. You losing your arm was a crime?”

“Trial was the wrong word to use.”

“What is the right word for it then?”

“I don’t know!”

“You went through it! Did it feel like a trial or something else?”

An almost overwhelming sense of shame seemed to envelope them like a blanket as Kotallo struggled to answer. “… I was not allowed to.”

Beta couldn’t believe he had the audacity to sound embarrassed.

“So you get to be the exception. You don’t have to prove anything but everyone else does.”

That finally snapped him out of his hesitance. “Of course not!” He dropped all pretense and raised his voice to match hers. “Had it been permitted, I would have leapt into the Arena, the same as anyone else!”

“Why not fight for it then? Since you believe in it so much.”

“That was completely out of my control!”

“If that were true, you wouldn’t be here arguing with me! You would already be half way to the Grove with a blind boy chained to you!”

The look in Kotallo’s eyes was becoming increasingly more desperate. This confrontation was not equivalent to a duel, where their swords were meeting to clash together in measured debate. It was starting, instead, to feel like she was the only one with a weapon and that every reply he delivered was an arm raised to shield himself from the damage. He had ceased trying to convince her that he was in the right; he was begging her to stop forcing him to defend himself.

“It is meant as a mercy.” There was a definite waver to his voice, one she had never heard before. “Those who survive have proven they are not a burden to the tribe and those who do not are granted an honourable death. That is as much as can be asked!”

She refused to hold back. “There’s no honour in forcing people who can’t defend themselves to fight for their lives!” He was strong. He could take it.

“Beta, he cannot fight or hunt or take care of himself at all anymore! What kind of life is that?”

“One that sounds a lot like mine! I can’t run fast enough to not get caught or see where I’m shooting either. I can’t feed myself or navigate anywhere without a map or lift anything heavy. Would you force me into the Arena and expect me to come out of it on the other side?”

“No, Beta! That would be murder!”

The final blow, delivered by his own remaining hand.

Kotallo staggered back as though the sheer weight of his words had unmoored him. A boulder lay at the crossroads on the path, just a few paces from where they stood. He stumbled over to it and sank down onto the surface to sit, his hand coming up to rub at his eyes. He had endured a gauntlet and he was exhausted.

All of the fire in Beta’s blood dissipated. She also suddenly felt quite exhausted, but she still had questions to ask. More time to squeeze every last bit of information out of something until it had nothing left to give and then curse herself for doing so.

“If everyone who finds themselves permanently disabled has to fight for their lives, why didn’t you?”

“I requested it. I was denied. My service as Marshal was considered too vital to risk… especially considering I was the only one left. At the time, I felt slighted by the decision. I did not want pity.”

“And now?”

He turned his head away and took a shuddering breath. A small part of Beta hoped he was sick over this. That he felt guilty for even pretending to entertain these things. But that wasn’t really what she wanted. It was too cruel. She would never want him to go through that kind of pain. He didn’t deserve that.

“When I lost my arm, it felt as though suddenly everyone could see something in me that they hadn’t before. A weakness that had revealed itself and changed how I was perceived. But as I have spent more time away from my tribe, I fear it may now be the other way around.” He hesitated. Whether he was struggling to find the right words or maybe scared to voice the ones he’d already thought of aloud, when he finally continued, it was as though they physically hurt him drag from his mouth. “That there is something… very ugly in the people I have known my whole life that was always there and I was too ignorant to notice.”

Their little group had all come from very different places with very different cultures, but one thing most of them had in common was a shared skepticism of the status quo they had been raised with. ‘I love my tribe but.’ But they fear what they don’t understand. But they don’t treat women very well. But they don’t know how to stand up for themselves. But they’re obsessed with the past. Up to this point, Beta had heard something along these lines from all of them — except for Kotallo. Any criticism of Tenakth cultural norms, even light questioning, was met on his part with immediate assertion that things were the way they were for a reason. It could sometimes come across as defensive or traditionalist. Maybe even a little reactionary and conservative by Beta’s standards. She wasn’t surprised by this behaviour; he was raised in a cargo cult formed around US Military propaganda. They weren’t an Old World institution well known for open-mindedness. That kind of self-discipline had clearly served him well over the years, but it was ironic to learn that he had grown up somewhere named ‘the Bulwark’ when you considered his unyielding nature. Hearing this now, it was the first time that Beta could see cracks starting to form in that seemingly impenetrable wall.

“When I was in Meridian, there was a woman begging on the streets,” he continued. “I had never seen anyone do this, so I asked my escort about her. He was confused by my question. He had to explain to me like a child that she was without work or shelter. I still struggle to really understand how that’s possible.”

It felt wrong to interrupt, but the lack of context was obviously still distressing him. Beta couldn’t imagine whichever nobleman’s son who had been reluctantly tasked with carting the delegation around had done a very good job of educating anyone about class disparity.

“The Carja have a caste system and property ownership and inheritance,” she tried to explain. “You’re used to the idea that everyone is on equal footing. Nobody is born into wealth or power, they have to earn it. The sun doesn’t pick who your Commander is.”

Kotallo shook his head. “But neither do the people,” he lamented. “I know this too well.”

Tekotteh. His former Commander had been discussed very little, but the name had come up just enough for Beta to hear the hurt that hung behind its mention whenever Kotallo spoke it. Though the man may have gained the right to his title through legal means, according to the laws of Sky Clan, he had not proven himself to be a particularly strong leader. It sounded as though there were many who would have liked to see him be replaced. However, that would be inviting too much bloodshed at a time when things were already so unstable. No one with the means was willing to take that step.

A second, more concerning thought popped into her head as she suddenly remembered her own words many weeks ago. Hekarro might not be a tyrant but he is still technically a dictator. As far as Beta knew, Kotallo had never expressed any kind of dissatisfaction with Hekarro’s leadership, nor had he ever dared to go against an order the Chief had given him. Until he let the deserter go. Until he left Meridian, her mind then corrected.

Maybe that had been the first domino to fall in this series of realizations Kotallo was having. Seeing how different things were on the ‘other side.’ Or, perhaps, how different they weren’t.

“I think what I mean to say is that we are very good at taking care of each other. Except when we are not. Even the weakest and least skilled among us will be fed and clothed. Perhaps they are given tasks we shun away from, but they contribute, nonetheless. However, when the time then comes for us to stop and provide for those who cannot, we falter. People we love and care for, suddenly seen as waste.”

He was reminded of something then and a look of disgust crossed his face.

“When I was much younger, I had the idea in my head that someday I would become Chaplain. I mentioned this to another boy in my squad and he laughed at me. He said that he would never want to live long enough to become Chaplain, as he’d rather fall in battle than see his body wear away to the point where he could no longer raise a club. The worst of it was that I agreed with him. He made me feel foolish for not considering it. A few years later, that same boy fell from a ledge during a routine climb in front of everyone. It was the first time I had ever watched someone die.”

This was the longest that she had ever heard him speak without interruption. So often, if he felt he was going on too long, he would stop himself to ask a question or cut himself short, sometimes even apologizing for occupying so much of the conversation. How long has he been keeping this in? Would he have ever told you any of this if you hadn’t practically forced him to? Was this a release of pressure that been building to a breaking point or the breaking point itself?

“That day on the training cliff, when you told me that you didn’t want to descend. I think… if we had been in the same situation even just a year ago. Before…” His eyes flicked over to his stump and then back at her so quickly that anyone else likely wouldn’t have noticed. “I would not have understood. I think I would have told you that you were weak and cowardly and shamed you for it. I am disgusted by the thought of it and I do not want to believe that about myself, but I fear that it would be the truth.”

His voice caught in his throat and he inhaled deeply. When he spoke again, it was much quieter.

“I worry, when the machines no longer threaten us as they do now, what conflict will we subsist off then? Will we turn our swords to each other again, simply to have someone to fight? I take great pride in my tribe and I will defend it with my life. But I do not believe we know how to put down our weapons.”

Kotallo had nothing more to say, but it didn’t truly feel like the end of the sentence. This was to be the albatross around his neck for the foreseeable future. Beta was almost sure she that understood now. Losing his arm hadn’t been the that sin he paid for. Ignorance had already condemned him before the saw met his flesh.

“I… think I need to be alone for a while,” he choked out.

He had promised that he wouldn’t leave her alone unless it was absolutely necessary. Beta, seeing the state of him now, couldn’t argue with him, if this was what he thought was best.

“… Sure,” she managed to reply.

Beta turned, unsure where she was planning to go next. She easily could have walked away then. She also could have changed her mind, fought to stay and talked him through whatever episode he was about to descend into. Neither felt correct. There were so many things she wanted to say, but the idea of casting a shadow over him, when he had already sent her away, left a foul taste in her mouth. She wasn’t wanted here.

She saw the sun beginning to lower itself closer and closer to the horizon. The words bubbled up and out of her mouth before she had realized what was happening.

“My opinion probably isn’t wanted right now but I think you should know… Whether you can fight or hunt doesn’t matter to me. I don’t like those things. At all. I’m only learning how to do them because I’m tired of being left behind. I think those are actually the least interesting things about you. I don’t need you to help me with my work or train me or even to teach me how to play a game.” She shrugged. “I don’t want you to be useful. I just like having you around.”

She was met with silence and her legs then finally gave her permission to move. She did not let herself look back.

Beta wandered for a while without any specific aim, through the fields and trees surrounding the edges of the valley. No matter what she did, her mind kept floating back to Kotallo. She wished she couldn’t imagine what he was going through but, unfortunately, she could — in a way.

Her entire life, she had allowed herself to build her benefactors up in her head as a force for good. Of course, she had undergone periods of doubt and resentment. So much time, so completely isolated would result in that for anyone. But she would always find a way to press forward. There was a goal that she was going to be a key contributor to one day. From all she had been told, a noble one: rebuild the world. She just had to hold on long enough to see it through. Remind herself that all of the suffering she had withstood was for a purpose.

When the door to her cell finally unlocked to the presence of not Gods among men, but normal people who had forgotten that they were as such, the illusion held together by both her and them was broken. They did not bother to greet her, instead immediately issuing commands. She had a job to do after all. What good was she to them if she wasn’t providing something?

She remembered how insurmountable it had felt. There was seemingly no way out. She was completely trapped, subject to the whims of forces entirely beyond her control and no means to fight them.

Kotallo wasn’t going to serendipitously stumble upon a stronger, more confident version of himself with a built in support system and a chip on his shoulder large enough to split in half and share with him. Her situation was, for lack of a better word, unique. And the ‘enemy’ he would be going up against was not a group of villainous monsters in need of slaying.

This had not been the first time she put her foot down on a topic concerning certain tribal practices considered typical to the others, like when Erend had told her about the Claim’s lack of legal regulation surrounding worker safety and child labour. This wasn’t discomfort or confusion on the basis of cultural relativity; it was an affront to her personal moral standards and ethics.

The action was evil. The people were not. They were only repeated what they had been taught. It was impossible for Kotallo to have been the first person to make this realization, to take issue with what the Tenakth had deemed acceptable and expected after generations of cyclical reinforcement. They too likely felt powerless to go up against the norm. How many had thought to themselves that they would change things if they could? How many had tried and given up?

The deserter hadn’t been willing to accept it. It sounded like his sister hadn’t either. Jaxx had been prepared to risk everything to fight for this young man, just to give him a chance to live.

But that point brought attention to something else that was bothering Beta.

Zo knew. There was no question about it. That must have been what she meant when she had asked Jaxx about ‘the situation.’ Maybe that was why she was so insistent that Beta come now, while it was loud and busy. It was easier to hide away among a crowd, but not just for her. She would have known that Beta wouldn’t come without Kotallo being there either, and Kotallo couldn’t be there without putting that young man in danger. It had all been very calculated. And, while she was reassured that Zo would put herself in the line of fire for someone like that, there was another part of her that was hurt that they were lied to. Not on her behalf, but instead on Kotallo’s.

Kotallo would have never gone through with arresting that man. Beta was certain of it. She had been as upset as she was with him because she knew that was not where his heart lay, hearing him try to justify something that he thought was wrong. It sounded a bit childish, maybe even naive, but it was true.

He hadn’t wanted to confront him. He hadn’t wanted to notice that something was off. That people were hiding something from him specifically. Even when his sense of duty had obligated him to seek the deserter out, that interaction was never going to end with with any kind of condemnation. That had been the young man’s trial. Kotallo needed to know that he wasn’t an outlier. That is was possible to adapt and find meaning outside of your use to others. Once was only an accident, after all. In the worst case scenario, a mistake.

The sky was starting to warm to a soft orange. Beta wondered if she should bother trying to going anywhere toward the celebration grounds alone or if she should cut her losses and head directly to Zo’s. If she was being honest with herself, she didn’t really want to go anywhere without Kotallo anymore. For a lot of different reasons.

Maybe that was a tad codependent. However, she had much more of an excuse than the average person. Sure, she had been steadily improving since beginning her training, but she had been breaking ground on construction that had never properly started, not building on a foundation that was already established. More and more, she was constantly caught between being fully capable of doing things for herself and somehow completely incapable of doing things for herself. She had the motivation, not the ability. Ironically, it felt a bit like trying to use a limb that just wasn’t there.

She also still hated being alone. A sad thing to have to admit after being sent away to stand in the middle of an empty field… alone. She genuinely meant it when she told Kotallo that she simply enjoyed his mere presence. It reminded her that she was in the land of the living and no longer the vacuous nothing of VR.

This wasn’t a role that could have been filled by just anyone, though. There was something about him that stood out from the rest of her friends.

Kotallo had said that he wouldn’t have understood her limitations before losing his arm. That he would have uncritically done what was expected and deemed her unworthy in the eyes of the society that he had been raised within. This was one thing she couldn’t agree with him about. Maybe the stars had aligned for him to make that realization the way he did, but she was certain that he would have come to the same place eventually. She understood that something as life altering as a sudden amputation could have the capacity to change his entire worldview. But she knew that there was something at his core that set him apart to begin with too.

Beta thought back to the web of words she had been collecting weeks ago, trying to sense together what type of person he was. It had, at this point, been permanently retired. Because real people weren’t just an amalgam of generic terms and associations. They could not be categorized and classified so easily as books or files in an archive.

Courteous and scary. It still held half true. Oddly enough, on both counts. He was courteous, but because he genuinely wanted to help people. He wasn’t concerned with looking like he was a good person. He truly wanted to be one.

Scary was a different matter. She was starting to see that scary could mean a lot of different things. That there was good scary and bad scary. A sort of nebulous compromise of the two that she supposed could be considered neutral scary. Her thoughts about him seemed to fall frustratingly somewhere in that realm.

It’s not fear. You can’t fear and trust someone at the same time.

She stopped herself from rolling her eyes. Well, of course I’m not afraid of him. I've learned that by this point. He’s shown me his bare face and it wasn’t really that different from the one with paint on it. He trusted me and I can trust him back. I know him now. I could never be afraid of him.

What is it then? Because it has to be something. It’s definitely not nothing.

Fear, shock, dread, fright. None of them fit. They were all too negative. But it wasn’t like she was enjoying these experiences either, so she was back at square one. Was it user error? Was her body simply sending the wrong signals to the wrong places and creating a unease that didn’t connect to what she was perceiving? Had her initial anxiety around him resulted in a Pavlovian nightmare spiral every time he managed to tick the right amount of boxes on the list her brain had made without her consent?

Beta needed to figure out what was going on. Retrace her steps, in a way, to analyze all the moments where his presence overwhelmed her and see what the data said. She could always trust the data.

What were the common factors? What variables could be controlled to figure out where the hell any of this was coming from? How could she stop it so that she never had to worry again about making a fool of herself in front of him? So that she could keep him around forever and nothing could ruin it.

She thought about the efforts he continuously made to learn. His desire not only to communicate his own thoughts, but to better understand hers as well. How he viewed complicated words as new opportunities for efficiency and clarity, not an invitation to show off.

Intelligent. She wasn’t taking notes anymore, but it was an undeniable characteristic that stood out among the rest.

She thought about all the times he let his guard down and did show off. Enough to show his humorous side. A rare treat, when he would smirk and tease and push her buttons in a way that made the room light up around him like he was the sun.

Charming. A tug in her stomach. Butterflies. Terrible, terrible anticipation.

She thought about his big, brown eyes, shining in the afterglow of the server lights, and pushed the next word through with a mental force she hadn’t needed to muster in a while.

Handsome. If it had been said aloud, her voice would have been shaking.

An alarm bell went off in the back of her head. Danger! Danger ahead! Stop! Halt! Don’t go there! Don’t open any boxes that you can’t close again, Pandora!

And then his promise to the deserter only a few minutes ago. His eagerness to help her train despite how much of a lost cause it felt like. His empathy for a creature that most only knew as a monster, formed from his very creator’s neglect.

Kind.

Beta shattered.

I’ve made a terrible mistake. I can never speak to him again.

She readied herself for the panic to boil over, the same way that it always did. Beta waited for the ground to shift or for her ears to start ringing or to feel like she was floating up and away. Welcomed it, even. Everything felt too raw, too real. She prayed for some kind of buffer to soften the nuclear fallout, but none came. She could fully feel every fly that buzzed by, every slight shift in the path of the breeze. She could hear the clear, rhythmic banging of drums where Bounty’s End continued on without her. Her vision did not blur, instead somehow sharpening, so that every individual blade of grass or branch of leaves could be focused in on and memorized in laborious detail.

She was firmly, horrifyingly present. And if her brain was not going to cooperate, the only remedy for that was to physically take herself somewhere else.

As she ventured across the valley, desperate to make it back to Zo’s hut before dark, Beta did everything possible to will away all thoughts and feelings. To empty her head completely, lest she think too hard about the awful thing that-

Stop that. It was only her and the dirt, using her legs to move vaguely in the direction of something. There were no other people in the world to worry about. She was completely and totally alone.

Beta could see her destination nearing like an oasis. If she was lucky, Zo had already returned to the celebration and she could slip away without having to explain herself.

Unfortunately, when she finally arrived at the doorway, Zo was indeed still there, tidying her things for the night and making room for Beta’s bedroll, the perfect host.

“Have we had enough excitement for the night?” she asked wistfully, no idea of the turmoil about to be put upon her.

“I need to go.” The words spilled out of Beta uncontrollably. She tried to sound calm but she had clearly pushed past the point of no return by then. “I need to get back to the Base as soon as possible.”

Zo immediately rushed over to her, concerned. “Beta, what happened? What’s wrong?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just have to be anywhere other than here.”

“Where’s Kotallo? Do I need to call him?” She was already beginning to motion towards her temple to do so.

“Don’t bother him!” Beta yelped. Zo’s hand jumped away from her Focus and Beta attempted to redirect. “Is Aloy here yet? Can she take me?

Zo shook her head. “I’m sorry, Beta. As far as I know, she has not yet arrived.”

“Shit.”

Beta could sense the incoming tears threatening to join the conversation and she dug her nails into her palms. Suddenly, there was a hand at her back, not making full contact but floating close enough for her to tell that is was there, and Zo began to guide her gently over to the bed.

“Let’s sit down for a moment.”

Beta sat but couldn’t settle herself at all. Zo moved in next to her.

“Please, tell me what is going on. What has you so upset?”

Beta searched for the right combination of words to explain away her crisis, but nothing she could come up with felt large enough. Nothing else was as all encompassing and devastating. Nothing as apocalyptic.

Zo’s frown deepened and she leaned in a bit closer. “Has Kotallo said or done anything-”

“No!” Beta heard herself shout, an overwhelming wave of rage hitting her at the accusation. “Why do people keep assuming things about him? It doesn’t make any sense! He’s a good person! He would never do anything like that!”

She realized what she had done a second later and felt her cheeks begin to burn. Her hands shot up to cover her mouth, as though it would betray her again if left to its own devices.

Beta knew she had given herself away and braced for impact. For her friend to look at her with pity or disappointment or confusion. Zo, however, was completely calm.

“… Is it perhaps something else related to Kotallo that is bothering you?” she asked.

That was when the tears finally broke through. There was no more use trying to hide. She dropped her hands and squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that it would somehow make the crying stop faster. When she opened them, she found she couldn’t bring herself to look Zo in the eye.

“I didn’t know,” Beta admitted.

She waited for Zo to respond but all she was met with was patience. So, Beta forced herself to continue.

“I didn’t know what it felt like… to feel like that about someone… Fuck, I can’t even say it out loud. But I’m smart. So I figured it out,” she scoffed, Erend’s insult of a joke echoing from the recesses of her memory. “And now I won’t be able to hide it from him because the only thing that was keeping it safe was the fact that I had no idea what was going on. He’ll know and he’ll hate me.”

“Beta, I promise that Kotallo would never hate you for that. Far from it.”

Zo attempted to put an arm around her again, but even the gentlest touch seemed to sting in that moment, so Beta pushed it away.

“Zo, it’s humiliating.”

“Beta-”

She stood and hurried over to where her bag was sitting on the table. It didn’t matter if there was nobody able to take her to the Base, she would figure it out herself. GAIA could walk her through it or she’d run into Aloy coincidentally on the way. Anything to get out of this mess and back to safety.

“I just have to go home and be away from him long enough that I get over it and everything will be normal. I can be normal.” She began to shove her belongings back inside, not bothering to pay attention to where anything went.

“If you’ve grown feelings for him, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Zo attempted to reason. “Clearly, you’ve formed some kind of connection.”

“I’m not going to fixate on him just because he’s nice to me!” Beta stopped to take a deep breath, mostly to keep herself from starting to gag. “And likes a book that I like,” she added. It barely came out as a whisper.

Zo stood to meet her, hovering from across the table. “If you’re not ready for something romantic yet, I’m sure he would be understanding. It is very common to be attracted to someone and not need it to amount to anything.”

Beta’s hands slammed down on the table’s surface, rattling the tools and plant samples scattered across it.

“I understand the concept of a crush, Zo! I’m not an idiot!”

Zo’s face fell and she took a step back again. “Of course, Beta. I didn’t mean to-”

“No, no, I know. I’m sorry.” This isn’t your fault, it’s mine. It’s always my fault. “I’m not used to having permission to want things. And I’m not good at wanting things just a little bit either. If I let myself want him at all, I’m going to want him… too much. And when I don’t get… whatever that is… I can’t. I won’t recover.”

The thought struck her again suddenly. Erend’s joke. Erend laughing. The call and all the others looking at each other. She glanced back at Zo.

“Erend noticed. I told him but I didn’t know what was happening and he laughed at me. Has he been telling people? Does everybody already know? Is everybody talking about it?”

This seemed to catch Zo off guard, her eyes growing wider with every additional question. She opened her mouth to speak.

“Don’t lie to me,” Beta demanded, cutting her off. She wanted to make that very clear. You’ve already done that enough today.

Zo paused again before nodding. “Any discussions your friends have had regarding you and Kotallo have been… kept from you only to respect your privacy. There has been no laughing or making fun or cruelty of any kind. Seeing two people whom you care for find joy and companionship in each other is always uplifting. Especially at a time when things seem to be growing more difficult and darker every day.”

“But-”

Zo reached out to hold Beta’s hand and made direct eye contact with her.

“And you have every right to be upset. Erend knows better than to act that way.”

Beta fought back the instinct to pull her arm away and instead focused on trying to process what Zo was saying.

“Love is a beautiful and frustrating thing. It can come from the least expected place and make you question absolutely everything you thought you believed about yourself. Somehow, it manages to be both completely overwhelming and exceedingly delicate. We want to hold it precious to keep it safe, but it can only grow so tall when hidden from the light. Of course all of that would be confusing for you.”

“But how did you know?” Beta pleaded. “How could you be sure that it wasn’t going to blow up around you and ruin everything?”

“Beta, I would never lead you to pursue something I believed could hurt you. Neither would Erend or Alva or Aloy. None of us.”

Intent doesn’t guarantee anything, Beta thought sorrowfully. You can have all the good intent in the world and still be wrong. People were always so confident in their ability to read people, the constructions of their memory, their knowledge of the wants and needs of those around them, and they were constantly proven otherwise.

Only then was she hit by that familiar lightheadedness that she had begged to take her out in the fields. Not enough to let her separate herself from reality, but enough to throw her body into a complete state of disarray. Beta let her hand slip from Zo’s grasp and she shrank inward, folding over herself and using the table to balance. Her strings had been cut.

“It is true how disappointing it can be to plant seeds that fail to grow. Heartbreaking, even. But if those seeds are never planted at all, there will never be a chance for them to bloom either.” Zo began to walk around to stand beside her. “I don’t wish to tell you what decisions to make for yourself. I would encourage you not to salt the earth in fear of terrible things that might happen. You could just as easily miss the beautiful things that already have.”

Zo took Beta gently by the shoulders to prop her upwards once more.

“Kotallo is very taken with you. From all I have seen with my own eyes, his feelings for you are much more obvious than yours are for him.”

“I don’t believe you. I want to so badly but I can’t.”

Zo looked her up and down. She gave a sad sigh. “May I ask one thing of you?”

Beta nodded.

“You are someone who seeks the truth in what is around you. Evidence that you may hold in your hands. Allow yourself, if only for a moment, to search for those things and reach out to them.” She pushed Beta’s hair back from where it was sticking to the wet spots on her cheeks. “If you cannot believe my words alone, believe in that.”

They stayed like that for a while, Beta slowly regaining function again, though she still felt far from anywhere near fine. The sun finally set and they could see the lights of the festival grounds glowing in the distance through the flap at the hut’s entrance, pulled back to let the cool night air inside.

Zo thought to steep some mint for the two of them and they sat at the table together to share it.

“I can assure you that Erend wasn’t laughing at you. But I will be the first to say that he can be…” Zo’s face soured a bit. “Is insensitive too strong a word? Still, he means no harm. I can speak to him about it, if you’d like.”

Beta shook her head, setting down her now empty cup. “I should be okay. I know, logically, that he wasn’t trying to be… I don’t know. I just hate that he knew before I did. It feels like it shouldn’t be allowed.”

“That I fully agree with.”

There was a flash of red and an exasperated sigh at the entrance of the hut, signalling that the last person on their guest list had arrived.

“Aloy, you’ve finally made it!” Zo exclaimed.

But Aloy looked far from ready to celebrate anything. More as though she had just finished a battle with a troop of Clamberjaws — or something else as equally volatile and evasive.

“I’m so sorry, Zo. I have to speak to someone from the Chorus as soon as possible.”

Beta and Zo looked to each other with worry.

“Is Plainsong in danger?” Beta asked.

Aloy rolled her eyes, though not at either of them. “Not currently. But I had a little run-in with something they’ll want to know about.”

She held up what appeared to be a large mass of gathered wires, all wrapped together in a black, rubber casing. One of the ends was frayed, like Aloy had been forced to cut it without much time to spare, and it leaked some sort of oil, though the viscosity of it was thicker than any of the standard lubricants found in most machines.

“I’ll take you to Shael now,” Zo said, lifting herself from her seat. “She should still be at the Feasting Circle. Then, after that, you can have a very large cup of cane spirits.”

“Yes please.”

Beta stood to join them. “I should come too.”

Aloy stopped her. “No, you go enjoy yourself.”

“I can’t really do that now,” Beta argued, gesturing to the mystery cables still dripping mystery fluid in Aloy’s hand.

“Yes, you can. As soon as tomorrow comes around, this is going to be exclusively your problem. I have other stuff I need to do.”

She held the cable up to Beta’s face and flopped it around, sending spritzes of fluid flying through the air. Beta stepped back to get out of the splash zone.

“Ugh, what even is that thing?”

“Hopefully, you’re going to figure that out for us,” Aloy explained, the slightest hint of a smirk tugging at her lips.

Beta scowled. Oh, thank you, dear sister. What a thoughtful gift you’ve given me…

“Okay. Guess I’ll go force myself to have fun somehow, since I have that to look forward to.” She scoffed. “Zo, do the Utaru maybe have any recreational psychedelics I could try?”

“Pardon?” Zo furrowed her brow, thoroughly confused.

Beta grimaced and sighed. “Never mind. It was a bad joke… Kind of…”

“I‘ll explain it to you later,” Aloy said, holding back a laugh as she followed Zo outside.

This left Beta by herself once again. She could have easily tried to follow her sister’s instructions but there was nothing springing to mind that would even begin to make her feel any kind of amusement right now. So, she instead decided to wait. She sipped at the last of her tea, cleaned her face, got herself ready for another sleepless night. Enough time had passed that things almost began to feel normal, meaning that she wasn’t considering it would be anyone other than Aloy or Zo walking into the room unannounced.

Rather, it was Kotallo who entered.

Beta held her breath as he approached. She had been so scared to see him before. Now, she was oscillating rapidly between relief and something she was starting to identify as longing. Weird, she thought, feeling a bit like her head was underwater. I thought it would be a lot worse. Instead, it was kind of just… how she always felt when he was around.

She remembered what Zo had asked of her.

Please, please, she pleaded to the universe. I don’t believe in fate or destiny or God. I have so little hope right now. I will take any kind of sign and run with it. I need something to keep me going just for a little bit longer. I’ll never ask for anything ever again. Please, let me have this one thing.

He slowed to a stop. Beta struggled to look directly at him, her eyes sliding off and dancing around whenever she tried to centre onto his face. They were clearly both uncomfortable.

“I truly did not mean to upset you earlier,” he began.

Beta nodded. “I know. You didn’t… You didn’t go through with it and that’s what matters to me.”

“I do not say this to absolve myself, but I promise I was not seeking him out. Admittedly, I had a suspicion based upon rumour. However… I would have preferred to avoid direct confrontation.” He sighed deeply. “And I apologize that you were drawn into it.”

There was sudden cheering in the distance, drawing attention to the crowds still surrounding the dishes. Evidence of the merriment of others; elsewhere, far from either of them.

Kotallo glanced back at her.

“I hope I did not spoil your evening,” he added quietly.

Beta shook her head. “I probably needed a break after that anyway. Zo, uh… She helped me calm down.”

It was then that she finally noticed he was holding something.

“Did you bring me flowers?”

Kotallo stood completely still, staring at her. Assessing. “… Yes.”

In his hand was a bundle of prairie flax, like they had seen on their walk earlier. It was obvious that the stems had not been cut but instead pulled directly from the ground, leaving them damaged and uneven.

“Tenakth do not usually, uh- I do not believe I did this correctly.” He sounded very nervous. His hand pulled back to hide the flowers away.

Beta quickly reached out to grab them before he could try to take them back. “I love them. Thank you.”

As soon as she had the stems in her palm, she gripped them tight and refused to let them go. Part of her wanted to dismiss any growing sense of hope entirely. However, the more she allowed herself to think about it, to hold the hard proof of it, the evidence was too strong. Beta didn’t know the language of flowers, but neither did he. All he had to go on was the conversation they’d had. If he was trying to give her a message, there was little she could do to let herself misinterpret it.

What others deem romantic, he had said. What she had said was romantic.

Beta looked up at him, how uncertain he seemed. She was still uncertain too, but she had something to cling to that might get her closer to the truth eventually.

“Do you think they have any food left over?” She didn’t have any flowers of her own to give back, so she hoped that he could feel the real meaning of her words radiating from her.

I just like having you around. For as long as he was willing to let her, she would let him know that over and over again, in as many ways as possible.

Finally, a small smile broke through from him to greet her. “It would not hurt to check,” he conceded.

They walked, not really in any hurry, to the last remains of the Feasting Circle. Beta held the bluestars at her left side, a barrier between Kotallo and herself. She was concerned that she may, in some startling episode of insanity, grab his hand. That was still a literal touch too far.

Collecting whatever scraps they could find that still looked at all appetizing, they wandered back out to the hut and outside Kotallo’s tent, blanketed by the starry night sky. As they ate in comfortable silence, Beta wondered if she was staring at him too much. Perhaps this was how much she had been staring at him for a while now and she simply hadn’t been aware until it was brought to her attention.

Is it obvious? Can you tell? Do you read it on my face? Does my voice sound like it? Do I hold it in my hands and wave it around in front of you? Are you as scared as I am?

Kotallo glanced at her suddenly, and she turned her head away just as quickly. She waited what felt like an appropriate amount of time before looking back at him, just enough to feel sure that he had turned away.

But he had not. He was still looking. She stared at him. And he stared back.

Now that Beta knew what was happening, it didn’t throw her when her stomach then flipped and her cheeks went bright with heat. She had been so concerned with reframing fear as excitement, it was almost funny to realize that she had already been doing the exact opposite the whole time.

Maybe this really was like a rollercoaster. This was her enjoying herself, exactly as she had been told to.

There was one other thing she was feeling, though. Like an itch at the nape of her neck. Another new question with no answer in sight.

Well, now what?