Chapter Text
After
The more time I spent with Johanna, the more I realized things could work. More possibilities could open for my life, without compromising the promises I made to myself at 18. I could never replace Her. I didn’t want to replace Her. But I wanted to be happy. I wanted to make Johanna happy. We wanted to live.
I know for certain Johanna would never be sweet to me. We would never be overly fond in public, never regarded as the goal of a healthy ‘cute’ couple by outsiders. It just wasn’t us. But I think that’s ok. If I’m honest, I doubt I would ever really be sweet to her, too. I was still, at my core, angry, resentful, guilty. She was, too. I don’t think she would want me to be sweet to her either. We would have passion, fire, and trust. Someone who truly went hit for hit with me and my rage and grief. I thought I’d never deserve anyone, but she decided I deserved her, and I knew better than to argue with Johanna Mason.
I was ok if the sweet love of my life concluded at 18. If it meant I could have this love of this life, now with Johanna, that was ok. I felt challenged and seen. That was what I wanted most out of my new life in this new Panem. We would never soften each other’s edges, per se, but we’d never ask each other to change. We’d bicker and banter, but we’d go to bat for each other time and time again. It would work. I wanted it to, and that meant something.
Life stabilized.
Without much fanfare, we were a real couple. She called me hers, and I called her mine. We moved into a home on the outskirts of Two. Johanna stopped drinking. I started going to the gym and releasing some of the anger and weight on my shoulders into a punching bag. Johanna called Annie every week. I brought her trinkets and presents when I had to travel for work. She planted trees on our property. She wanted a cat. I wanted a dog. We got a cat. Everything became very domestic. It was the life we fought for: realized.
***
“We should take a trip,” Johanna said one night after dinner. We sat on the couch, sprawled out in our lounge clothes with the cats, our favorite evening activity nowadays.
“Oh yeah?” She nodded. “Where?”
“I was thinking Twelve.” She focused intently on her nails.
“Jo…” I sighed.
“It’s been four years. Your family calls all the time. Why don’t we just go visit them?” We’d had this conversation before. I knew she was right.
“I just… can’t. I want to, but I just can’t go back there.” I tore my hands through my hair.
“I don’t have to go…” She said in a tiny voice. “That was more if you needed support, but if you don’t want me there… If you’re embarrassed of me, I can stay home.” I rolled my eyes and caught her flash of a grin. She was still an actress.
“Obviously, that’s not it. I think my mom would be ecstatic to see I convinced anyone to love me.” I said with a laugh.
“It didn’t take too much to convince me.” She said in an uncharacteristically soft voice. “I kinda wanted to.” I reached over and squeezed her hand, then pulled her closer to me and wrapped an arm around her. We sat in silence, holding each other. I kissed the top of her head.
“Okay.” She looked up at me. “Okay, I’ll take you to Twelve.” Her smile was wide and warm.
***
He was the first one we saw when we got off the train. I’m guessing Johanna told him we were coming.
“God, I’m glad to see you,” He said. I smiled toward Johanna before realizing Peeta was talking to me. He looked good. Healthy. Mature. He even had a bit of stubble growing on his normally clean-shaven chin. His eyes were clearer than they were the last time I’d seen him. We gripped arms in greeting. Boisterous. Any pretense of competition gone.
“Is she ok?” I didn’t need to say who. A soft look crossed Peeta’s face.
“She’s getting better. I think she’s even happy.” Relief washed over me.
“Thank you, Peeta.” He nodded to me. Peace and closure looked good on both of us. He then turned to Johanna.
“Jo! Excellent hair, I like the red.” He said kindly, reaching to squeeze her shoulder. Johanna had started to dye all of her hair red, not just highlighted streaks, once the gray streak started to take over the remaining brown.
“Peeta… You know me better than that.” She rolled her eyes. “Girl talk is for Annie.” He smiled wryly and wrapped her in a big hug, lifting her off the ground.
“Fine. Ya over the torture, yet?” He asked. Jo broke into a huge grin.
“See, that’s better… Still nightmares, but I can shower now sooooo. Things are going pretty well.” She said in her faux flirty tone. “You?”
“I mean, flashbacks, sure. But I haven’t strangled anyone… soooo.” They high- fived. Maybe time can heal all wounds. “I didn’t see this coming.” He gestured between the two of us. “It makes a lot of sense, though.” We both shrugged.
“Not a lot of options in Two.” Johanna huffed. Peeta cringed and shook his head. He stifled a laugh, but I know he got it. We wrapped up pretty quickly and began our walk to my mother’s home.
I didn’t see Katniss on that trip. I wouldn’t see her again, actually. Peeta kept Johanna updated on their lives, and Johanna synthesized it for me. Katniss did not want to see me, I understood. I couldn’t handle the pain of seeing her either.
I couldn’t see her and face the reminder of the two blonde girls I loved but didn’t save.
***
My family rebuilt in the same spot as our old house. It was amazing to walk up the street and see a white house with a bay window like my mother always wanted. The kids each had their own rooms, and my mother had a working bathtub. Luxury. It was bittersweet to know that any trace of my father had been reduced to ash. I’d never be somewhere he was again. Not our house, not the Hob, not a mine. We’d never overlap again. But at least we’d live in the world he dreamed of.
My mother was as thrilled to meet Johanna as I expected. She was elated to ‘finally see her son settle down.’ My heart felt something unbelievably content. Peace, maybe? I didn’t think I’d be able to feel it back in this district, but here I was. Here we were. In the living room, Posy telling me about the boy she liked at school and waving her collection of ribbons in front of me. Rory and Vick teasing me for not being married yet.
“C’mon- you’re 24. Practically ancient not to be married!” Vick shouted. I couldn’t help but laugh. He was right. In District Twelve standards, you were old if you weren’t married by 20.
“Wait until they realize I’m 26.” Johanna held her hand in front of her mouth and whispered loudly. The boys’ eyes widened.
“No way! She’s older than you?” They asked in shock.
“I know, right- I look waaay younger than he does,” Johanna spoke just to them, giving her full attention. “I’ve been trying to talk him into using moisturizer, but you know Gale; stubborn and wrinkly as a mule.” She shrugged.
“Aw, shut up,” I said with endearment.
“Gale Hawthorne, did I teach you nothing?” My mother shouted as she stepped back in the room with eyes full of alarm. She hadn’t heard Johanna and I bicker before. I suppose it would be alarming to an outsider.
“Ah. That one was actually a fair shut- up, Mrs. H.,” Johanna said with a blush. “Gale is nothing but kind to me. A real gentleman.” My ears burned pink. Johanna blushed too and reached over to grab my hand and squeeze without looking at me. When she pulled her hand back to her lap, I put my hand on her thigh, without looking her way. Just to be connected with her. We tried to hide our smiles. We really were a pair, weren’t we?
“Johanna, it’s Hazelle, of course.” She was still a bit stunned by our dynamic.
We spent the rest of the day talking to my family. Reconnecting after so many years felt good. It felt right. I sat in that spot, watching Rory and Vick wrestle, or Posy try a new ‘hairstyle’ on Johanna, asking how she had red hair. Begging my mother to let her make her hair pink.
It was good.
My life was good.
But I had one more visit to make.
***
“I’ll be back in a little,” I said to my family and squeezed Jo’s shoulder.
I grab a handful of flowers from my mother’s flower bed, I’m sure she won’t mind, before I make my way down that familiar path. I am breathless and griefstricken once I make it to the Meadow. Where She is. Where I pray She rests. She deserves rest. Eternal comfort. It is finally green again, though no wildflowers grow. I should plant some. She liked the flowers. I try to imagine where our spot used to be, and I lay my flowers, tied in Her gold ribbon, there. I take a step back.
The victims of the bombing. A wooden sign reads to my left.
I’m sorry I didn’t save you, Madge.
My throat is tight, and my eyes are blurry. I try to think of anything else I could say, but I can’t find the words. How can I honor Her memory if I can’t even speak to Her now? I swallow hard and heave a gasp that is probably more of a sob. Wordlessly, Johanna links her arm in mine, tipping her head to my shoulder.
“I didn’t notice you followed.” My voice was tight. “I must be losing my touch,” I say with a bitter laugh.
“Maybe I’m just getting softer.” She says in a whisper. I tip my head to rest on hers for a moment. “I’m sorry. Whoever She was, I’m so sorry, Gale.” I still hadn’t told Johanna about Her. But I wanted to keep Her memory alive.
Her sweetness had to extend past the Meadow even if our love never did.
I take a deep breath.
“So, her name was Madge Undersee…”
Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow
Lay down your head and close your eyes
And when they open, the sun will rise
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you