Chapter Text
You keep your promise to yourself fairly well in the following days. The Shadowlands, as expected, keep you busy with new mysteries and clues — and plenty of battles — and most of the time, you manage to remain focused on the task at hand.
Perhaps your heartbeat picks up a notch every time Astarion is near, but you ignore it. And maybe, just maybe, you stare at him a smidge too long when he’s not looking, but only when you know it doesn’t pull your attention away from something important.
You’ve caught him watching you too, but you keep your distance. No distractions, not even for a quick roll in the proverbial hay.
Everything is going relatively alright — until it doesn’t.
Thanks to the psionic detector, the Githyanki ambush doesn’t catch you off-guard, but you learn quickly that you have underestimated the danger they pose.
Perhaps you all got too cocky these last few days — too many easily-won battles that have boosted your confidence into thinking that this too will be readily handled.
In retrospect, you should’ve returned to stock up on scrolls and potions before taking them on. Too late now.
It’s a drawn-out battle, wearing you all out little by little, but if it’s anything you and your friends are, it’s tenacious — and after what feels like an eternity, you’re down to one foe. It’s their leader, but even with all of you severely injured, you should be able to take them out.
You grin as Karlach deals a critical hit with her halberd, finishing the Githyanki off with a savage roar.
“Gods, that was close.”
“Too close,” Astarion says as he sheaths his swords. Things aren’t exactly good between you, but it has been getting better. “Next time we contemplate doing something this stupid, how about we don’t?”
“You’re just cranky ‘cause you didn’t get to bite either of them.” Karlach nudges him with a grin. “Isn’t that right, Fangs?”
You’re still laughing when something behind the others steals your attention.
One of the other Githyanki. You saw them get felled by one of Shadowheart’s spells, but perhaps they only got knocked out.
You stop breathing when you realise that not only are they alive — but they have an arrow notched, ready to fire.
And it’s aimed at Astarion.
It’s too late to stop the arrow as they, at that moment, let it fly — so you do the only thing you can think of.
“Tav, what–”
You push him out of the way, but it’s not fast enough.
The pain from the arrow piercing you is blinding; you think you might be screaming.
“Tav!”
You sag to the ground, and the last thing you see is Astarion looking at you with a panicked expression. At least he’s okay, you think.
After that, everything fades to black.
“…Calm down, Astarion, Tav will be alright.”
“They don’t look alright! Why aren’t you doing more?”
“The only thing we can do now is wait. If you can’t behave, leave. We’ll find you when Tav wakes up.”
You’re vaguely aware of the voices, but you’re not quite capable of parsing what they’re saying.
“Hah! And leave them alone with you people I don’t think so.”
Why does everyone sound so upset? You can’t remember, and before your mind is clear enough to figure it out, you drift back into unconsciousness.
Your mind still feels like a blur when you come to next. You think someone might be holding your hand, but it’s difficult to be sure when you’re groggy with pain. And you’re not ready to open your eyes just yet.
“Why, oh, why, must you always play the hero? And for me, of all people?”
You recognise the low-pitched voice. Astarion. Why is he here?
“So stupid.” What feels like hair brushes against the back of your hand. “I’m not worth you losing your life.”
“Sure you are,” you press out, because it’s that simple. “I’d do anything for you.”
He inhales sharply. “Tav? Tav, darling, open your eyes for me.”
You reluctantly do as he asks, and it surprises you to find him looking uncharacteristically dishevelled.
“There you are. You had us worried, you know.”
“Astarion.”
“I’ll go and get the others.”
“Astarion.”
Before you can stop him, he leaves, and when he returns with the rest of your friends, he sticks to the background, letting the others dote on you.
You want him to come back, want him to hold your hand again. If the others weren't around, you might have asked him to. Instead, you see him sneak out of the tent when Karlach starts admonishing you for your brave yet careless stunt.
You love them all so much, but in that moment you’re this close to telling them all to leave. You would have, if you didn’t know that they probably need this to ease their own worries.
Still, you’re eternally grateful when Shadowheart ten minutes later shoo everyone out of your tent. She’s about to leave too when she turns to give you a secretive smile.
“You said his name, you know. More than once. When we carried you back to camp.”
With a bone-deep groan, you hide your face in your hands. “Please tell me he didn’t hear.”
“Oh, he most definitely did. But you know how he is, after the initial surprise, his expression turned blank. But his eyes never left you after that.” She huffs a laugh. “Not that he let you out of his sight before that. The only one allowed to carry you was Karlach.”
It sounds too good to be true. “Really?”
“I thought he was going to attack Halsin when he bent down to pick you up.”
“Why would he do that?” It truly makes no sense.
“Jealousy, of course.”
“Astarion? Jealous?”
Instead of answering, she just gives you a wink. “Seems like you two have that in common. Now make sure to rest, alright? I’ll come by with something to eat later.”
“Right.” Your head is spinning, and not only because you're recovering from an injury. “Thank you, Shadowheart.”
You want to process everything you just learned but your body is not having it; in mere minutes, you’re back under again.
No one is holding your hand when you hours later rouse from sleep. Strange that, how your mind seems to have expected it just because it happened last time. When Astarion was sitting by your side.
Astarion.
You have to find him.
It still hurts like hell, but the pain level is manageable. Perhaps a grunt or two slips out of you as you drag yourself up to standing, but no one’s there to give you grief about it so it’s fine. It’s nothing you can’t handle.
It’s dark outside, but you should’ve known better than to think that that would be enough to let you sneak away unnoticed.
“And just where do you think you’re going, soldier?”
Karlach.
“I need to see him.” She already knows, so you might as well get right to the point.
She sighs. “You’re not going to take no for an answer, are you?”
“No.”
“What if I go and find him for you?”
“Karlach.”
“Fiiiine. But only because I was already heading that way, anyway.”
“Dammon?”
Her besotted smile is a fetching look on her and you would hug her if you didn’t think it would hurt too much.
“Yeaaah. And last time I saw Astarion, he was heading in that direction.”
You don’t talk much on the walk over to the inn, your mind too busy going over and over what you want to say. What you want to ask him.
“You alright there, soldier?”
“Mmm, yeah. Maybe a bit nervous.” Because it’s truly dawning on you what you’re about to do. What if you’ve got it all wrong?
“Hah, trust me, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Her gentle squeeze on your arm feels reassuring. At least a little bit. She glances over her shoulder at the smithy where a fire is still burning. “And this is where I leave you.”
“I’m happy for you, Karlach.”
“Thank you, Tav. I’d say good luck but I don’t think you’ll need it. Now go and shake some sense into the vampire of yours.”
“Will do,” you say, even though you’re not sure you mean it. Every plan you’ve made so far involving this man has gone sideways, so who’s to say it won’t this time?
Taking a deep breath, you find yourself remaining where you are. Stalling.
“Should you really be up and about, Tav?”
“Jaheira.” You are so caught up in your own thoughts that you didn’t hear her approach. Turning around to face her, you give her a small smile. “I have something important I need to do.”
“I see.” With a slight bow of her head, she acknowledges your wish for privacy. “It’s good that you’re here, I wanted to thank you for your help the other day. I’m not sure we would still be standing if it weren’t for you and your friends.”
“Trust me, I’m just as happy as you are about that. And you made quite the dent in enemy forces yourself, taking down several of those winged horrors.”
“Their deaths wouldn’t have mattered if you hadn’t dealt with Marcus.”
“Still.” Jaheira is a force to be reckoned with, no doubt about it. “We could use someone of your calibre in our party.”
“Thank you for the offer, but I’m needed here.”
“I understand.” Something in her expression tells you that she’s tempted. “Consider it an open invitation. In case you change your mind.”
“I will, thank you.”
“You don’t happen to know if Astarion is here somewhere?” You decide you might as well save yourself some time and ask. “Karlach told me she had seen him head this way.”
“He came here a while ago, yes. I think he’s down by the water.” She nods in the direction between the inn and the barn.
“Thank you.”
You find him on the path close to the archway, in almost the same spot where you talked to Bex mere days ago. You take a moment to study him from afar. It’s hard to be sure when there’s nothing but the light from the moon illuminating him, but you think his shoulders look tense. Is this your doing?
You wish you could hug him, offer him to relax in your arms.
“I’m afraid your personal blood bank will be closed for a while,” you joke as you walk closer, hoping it will lighten his mood. “For restocking purposes.”
Astarion doesn’t turn around, and when he remains silent for several tension-filled seconds, you wonder if your quip was a mistake.
“Did you mean it?” he finally asks.
The question takes you by surprise and try as you might, you can’t figure out what he’s talking about. “I’m sorry?”
“You said that you’d do anything for me. Did you mean it?”
Oh. That. “Yes.”
Your heart starts pounding as he shifts to look at you. Silvery beams of moonlight caress his beautiful face, a face painted with apprehension — and possibly hope.
“And what does that mean?”
“What do you want it to mean?” you ask in return, because you’re not ready to say those three little words. Not yet.
“Nice try, Tav.” His jaw tightening, Astarion suddenly looks closed off. “If you’re going to play coy with me you might as well leave.”
With that, he turns away from you again — and it feels like a stab to the heart. “It means,” you amend quickly, “that I care for you.” You’ve never been good at expressing your emotions. Never been good at opening yourself up to other people. And it’s scary to do so now. “Deeply.”
Astarion scoffs. “I bet you said that to Gale too,” he says, and the bitterness in his voice stings.
“I– what are you talking about?”
“I saw you. You went to him.”
Acting without thought, you rush forward to place yourself in front of him to make sure that he looks at you; he needs to fully understand what you say next. “It wasn't like that, we only talked. Astarion, you’re special to me.”
You steel yourself for another cutting remark, but you’re helpless against the sad expression that replaces the anger. “So special that you decided to end things between us?”
Fool. You’ve been a fool. “I ended things because I didn’t think…” Taking a deep breath, you tell yourself to be honest. “I did it because I was jealous and I couldn’t handle the possibility of you breaking my heart.”
His brow twitches in confusion. “You were jealous? Of who?”
You desperately ache to touch him, but you hold yourself back. “Shadowheart. Halsin. Anyone that I thought was sharing your bed besides me.”
“Tav. Darling.” He sounds exasperated but hearing the endearment again sparks tingles of joy and hope inside your chest. “I haven't invited anyone to my bed since we started sleeping together.”
Oh. Oh. “Really?”
“Yes, really.” For the first time since you found him, a small smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “I thought you knew that.”
“No. No, I didn’t.” To say that you’ve been an idiot is an understatement. You’ve let yourself see things that aren’t there because you are insecure. “I haven’t either, you know. Been with anyone else since you.”
The smile twists into something teasing and sultry that feels more like Astarion. “Is that so?”
“It is, and I honestly can’t believe you’d think anything different.” It’s true. While you wouldn’t call yourself unattractive, you’ve never really been one to draw the attention of potential lovers. You’ve had a few before Astarion of course, but in general, people have been more inclined to remain your friend rather than try to pursue something more. “You wouldn’t have looked twice at me if you had seen me on the streets of Baldur’s Gate.”
“Now that is just untrue, my dear Tav.” He reaches for your hand, taking it in his. “As you so bluntly pointed out that night, my motives for seducing you may partly have been driven by self-preservation, but I chose you for a reason — and not because you're our reluctant leader.”
His slender fingers grip you tighter and the touch is exactly what you need just then. “Is that so?” you echo, attempting to sound teasing. You fail spectacularly.
“I was drawn to you even before I started to develop feelings for you.” Lifting your hand, he presses a lingering kiss on the sensitive skin of your palm before resting it against his cheek. “At first, I thought it was the need for your body that kept you in my thoughts night and day. But as I got to know you better, I realised it was your mind — you — that held my attention.” Closing his eyes, he leans into the touch with a sigh. “What Cazador had me do… It taught me how to read people. But you…?” He opens his eyes again to look at you, and what you see makes your heart skip a beat. “I thought I had you figured out, but you continuously prove me wrong. And I appreciate that more than I can express.”
“Astarion.” There’s so much you want to say. So much you need to say. But in that moment, you finally find the courage to tell him what you should’ve told him weeks ago, so the rest will just have to wait. “Astarion, I love you.”
His eyes widen in surprise as something vulnerable flashes across his face. After five heartbeats — you know, because you counted — he lets go of your hand to gently cup your neck.
The kiss is soft and gentle. Careful. In a way, it feels like a first kiss.
“Why didn’t you tell me that instead of breaking up with me?” He kisses you again before you can reply. “There you go again, doing the unexpected.”
You don’t even try to hold back a smile. “Have to keep you on your toes, you know. And I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t sure it would be welcomed, you silly goose.” To your surprise, it no longer hurts as much thinking back to that night. “First you disappeared and then when I found you, you were sitting between Halsin and Shadowheart.”
“My my, were you jealous, darling?” he drawls in mock surprise. The bastard.
“Of course I was!” You very carefully wrap your arms around his waist, ignoring the ache from your injury. Because you need to feel him against you, pain be damned. “Why do you think I gave Gale so much attention?”
“And got yourself decadently drunk, too. It was a glorious sight.”
“Oh shush, you.” Despite yourself, you laugh.
“I have to apologise, though, my darling. I, too, was jealous.” His breath is warm against your cheek as he leans forward to rest his forehead against yours. “I could tell something was troubling you, but you kept being so elusive. I assumed… I thought that meant you only deemed me worthy of getting access to your body, and nothing more.”
“Astarion.” The sincerity and sorrow permeating his words make you feel like a villain. “Gods, I’m so sorry, too. At the time, I didn’t think you’d be interested in anything else.”
“I want anything and everything you give me, Tav.” You feel his fingers slide down your uninjured side, gripping you as firmly as he dares to. Lifting his head to get a better look at you, his eyes lock with yours. “I love you, with everything that I am.”
You can see the truth of it in his gaze, can feel it in his touch. He loves you. Was it always there and you were just blind to it? Or did he hide his feelings, just like you did?
It doesn’t matter, you decide, because all you need to know is that he’s in your arms.
“You have all of me, Astarion.”
“My beautiful Tav.”
You share another kiss, and then Astarion insists you both go back to camp to let you rest. The thrumming pain of the wound is there, but it’s easily overshadowed by the warmth blooming in your chest every time Astarion throws a smile your way on your way back. His hand is still linked with yours — it’s such a small detail but it feels infinitely more intimate than anything else you’ve shared with him so far. It’s impossible to stop smiling — not that you’re trying.
He follows you to your tent but to your dismay, he tries to leave after he has made sure that you have everything you need.
“Please don’t leave,” you say, refusing to let go of him. “I want you to stay. Stay the night.”
“Tav, my love, you’re in no condition to have sex.”
My love. It almost throws you off course to hear the new endearment. “Astarion, my love,” you counter, and oh, it’s worth it to see his reaction, “I wasn’t suggesting we’d have sex. I just want you close. Assuming that’s alright, of course.”
“Really?” He sounds just a tad surprised; that’s something you and he will need to unpack before going any further. But not tonight. “Well, that I can do.”
It takes a bit of careful shuffling around, but you manage to find a position that’s comfortable for you both without putting pressure on your injury.
He’s here. In your arms. You didn’t think you’d get to have this, but he truly is here. Your contented sigh is nothing but a muffled exhale into his curls but he doesn’t seem to mind, giving you a fond chuckle in response.
“Are you sniffing my hair, darling?”
“No.” It doesn’t sound convincing even to your own ears. “Well. Maybe a little,” you confess. “I can’t help that you smell nice.”
“Oh, I don’t mind, pet. Your scent is quite enticing too, you know.” You feel his chest expanding as he takes a deep inhale. “Drives me crazy sometimes.”
“Since you drive me crazy on a regular basis, I’d say that’s only fair.”
“Why, you little cheek..! Just watch me be even more annoying from now on.”
“You’re not annoying,” you say, trying to hold back a yawn. “You’re just a handful.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“Of course–“ you lose the battle against another yawn. “…you will.”
You feel the press of his lips against your skin. “Quite right.”
“Astarion?” Your eyelids start to get heavy, and for the first in what seems like ages, you feel completely safe and relaxed. “I’m so happy I have you in my life.”
“Me too, darling. Me too.” His hand slides down to find yours, lacing your fingers. “Now go to sleep, my love. I’ll watch over us. And tomorrow we will face whatever comes next. Together.”