Chapter Text
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Marian Hawke was a wreck; the issue with feeling emotions again was that you went over every single moment of your life as Tranquil.
Memories of her time as husk returned to her, the times Merril and Isabela spent the night grieving her, sobbing when she answered their wishes without a fuss.
She remembers how upset they were at her younger brother Carver for what he did, remembers when he paid her a visit when she was residing at Merril's house at the Elven Alienage. Her elf companion was out on a journey with her twin who was trying to distract himself from the reality that his sister was gone.
Carver walked inside the modest house with remorse in his eyes; she could see it was eating him alive as he couldn't look at her, her lifeless eyes looking into his soul.
"Sister, I....shit, I-I'm so sorry," he says. His voice broke as he struggled to keep the sob from leaving his lips. "P-Please forgive me, I-I never intended this to happen! I swear!"
Marian felt nothing; all she could do was stare disinterestedly at the man weeping in front of her. "Are you looking for me to accept your apology?" She proceeded despite his hesitating nod. "Then I accept; do you have any further orders for me?"
For some reason, her final words caused the younger Hawke to turn pale, his eyes widening in dread at what he had just done.
"No, maker! I wasn't ordering you! I was...shitl!" He hit the wall and turned away as she gazed at him with the same soulless eyes she had previously. "I wish you were here; I'd rather have you cursing and hating me than this...this is worse."
"I apologize for upsetting you, Master Carver," Marian stated flatly. "What do you want from me?"
The man appeared to want to die in a ditch, he turned to go, not wanting to spend another minute with the husk of what was once his sister.
Did they always despise one another? Marian constantly attempted to protect him even when he didn't want her protection; she only talked down to him when he was confrontational towards her; in the end, it was all his fault.
He has no clue why he thought it was a good idea to come here; she could not forgive him while in this state, and even if she could, he would never forgive him for what he has done if he were her.
All of this to prove himself, to demonstrate to them that he could handle himself, that he could be valuable to the Order, yet he felt nothing but terror consume him.
As he opens the door, he casts a sorrowful glance behind him. "Nothing...I'm sorry."
Marian remains still as Merril instructed her before she left hours earlier, she does not stir when Carver departs the home, and she is unconcerned when Merril confronts her brother outside, coming from her trip and catching the intruder on his way to leave her house.
Isabela bursts the door open with terror in her eyes and sighs in relief when she discovers Marian unharmed.
"I'd never hurt her!" Carver yelled from the outside, surprised that they would think that.
"It's funny, since you already did! You harmed her in the worst way imaginable!" Merril responded by shouting the words.
Marian doesn't recall the elf ever being furious or yelling.
They rage at each other for a few more seconds before Isabela, who has done checking on Hawke, departs to kick Carver out for good.
The memories cease there as new ones enter her head.
Isabela and Merril taking her out of Kirkwall, not having the heart to leave her behind, getting her on board of Isabela's ship, for years they took care of her even though it would be easier to kill her.
Marian had no idea they cared so much for her; she knew she was a jerk most of the time, and anger was her method of getting away from most things that upset her, so she ended up lashing out on others more often than not.
But her friends still looked after her and were at her side after all this time.
She had calmed down after receiving her emotions again after a day, but it was still too much, she was far too emotional, she cried when Garret apologized for not getting to her in time to stop Meridith from making her Tranquil, and she felt terrible when Isabela and Merril cried in relief at seeing her back.
And she wanted to kick Fenri's ass since she recalled what a dickhead he was to her twin, but she was shocked he let her lash out on him, presumably admitting he deserved it after what he did to Garret.
Varric, her best friend whom she adored, acted strangely when the others left them alone. He looked at her hesitantly, as if he wanted to tell her something but wasn't sure whether he should.
"You know I love you Varric, and whatever you say, I won't be furious with you...I hope." She wishes she could better manage her emotions, but that will take time.
The dwarf stiffened when she spoke, and he fidgeted uneasily beneath her watchful stare.
"So...Daisy and Rivaini were never your lovers?" He just blurted it out.
That surprised her; why would he think that? "No? Why? Do you have feelings for me?" She cracked a joke.
....
When he glanced away in silence, she gazed at him with wide eyes.
"Wait! You're in love with me?!"
"Maybe?"
"Varric, don't shit with me! Do you mean you and I could have been together all along? Not that it would have been a wise decision given that I couldn't feel a thing, but still!"
The dwarf returned her gaze with hope. "So you like...like me as well?"
"Of course I do, you obnoxious blody dwarf! When we were in Kirkwall, I flirted with you for years! Stupid you!"
"Hey! In my defense, you were flirting with anything that moved!"
Alex, who was on the other side of the door, grinned joyfully when she heard the two of them making out noisily after a few minutes of bickering.
'Finally! Oh, there's so much love pouring from them!' Love said like a fangirl who just witnessed her favorite ship sail.
Tivera was overjoyed to learn Varric and Marian were finally together, and she had a hand in it.
'Now, if you and those two buffoons would just admit your feelings to each other, everything would be so much better...' Love groaned with frustration.
Alex turned hot in the face and stomped away from the room Varric and his lover were in, cursing Love under her breath.
Why did she have to bond with Love of all spirits out there?