Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

yeonjun isn’t running.

yeonjun isn’t running, and yet his chest continues to expand and deflate at a rate that's faster than usual. his breaths come rushed and harsh, visible clouds in the frigid air.

the sidewalk winds and bends. it’s dark outside, a full moon, and he’s the only person around, as far as he can tell. the streets remain dead and silent; his obnoxious breaths are the only source of sound.

he can’t remember how late it is. at what time he started walking, at what time he’ll arrive. arrive where?

the area is unfamiliar, with swaying trees and wide alleyways. this doesn’t feel like home.

yeonjun scratches at his arm absentmindedly, his heartbeat picking up. 

“just get home,” he hisses to himself. he wills his feet to move faster, but feels trapped within his own body, out of control. “keep walking, keep walking, keep walking.”

something hisses from the shadows to his left, and he’s not sure if it's real or all in his head. am i going fucking crazy? is he hallucinating? it certainly feels like it, with the way the world blurs at the edges, hazy and pulsing.

his feet don’t even look normal anymore. he can’t tell if he’s moving forward or if the soles of his shoes are merely sliding against concrete. i have to get out of here.

“it’s fine,” yeonjun tells himself, even as the gnarled trees appear to be coming closer. “it’s fine. it’s fine, it’s fine.”

but it won’t stop.

the movements, the encroaching darkness, the urge to scream.

the trees are definitely coming closer, like black, writhing snakes, reaching out for him. that’s where the hissing was coming from, yeonjun realizes, a tad bit late. 

he can’t escape. the shadows surround him, licking at his heels. his breaths squeeze until he’s choking on nothing — pure, unadulterated fear fills him.

with his heart about to pound out of his rib cage, yeonjun opens his mouth to scream—

“yeonjun! yeonjun-hyung!”

everything warps into a single instant, a snap back to reality. 

and suddenly, yeonjun is awake. 

“fuck,” he mutters, feeling the way his chest still heaves. there’s a faint stickiness over his whole body — sweat.

“hyung, are you okay?” comes a sweet voice. kai, yeonjun knows it’s kai immediately, but he can’t help groaning as his body slowly comes back to him.

“sorry, hyuka,” yeonjun grimaces, apologetic. where is he? 

“don’t apologize!” kai’s quirky nose becomes the first focus of yeonjun’s vision. “sorry i didn’t wake you sooner. you looked like you needed the nap.”

ah, that’s right.

yeonjun is on his living room couch, swaddled in fuzzy blankets, as kai stands worriedly over him. he must have fallen asleep while they were watching reruns of one of their favorite dramas.

“you were… screaming. in your sleep, hyung,” kai voices, tentative.

yeonjun scratches the back of his neck. “was i?”

silent, kai nods. the sun is setting outside, casting a golden glow across the beta’s features. “did you have a nightmare?”

yeonjun is fully prepared to lie and deny everything. however, the second he’s faced with kai’s big, innocent eyes, rimmed with fanning lashes and the orange sunlight, his iron will crumples. 

“yeah,” yeonjun gulps. his eyes dart off to the side. “yeah, i did.”

“do you… want to talk about it?”

bless kai for always leaving an escape route, for always being a safe person to confide in.

right now, though, yeonjun shakes his head. “it was nothing.”

typically, kai would sense that yeonjun needs time to himself, and he’d drop it. instead, he pushes the matter. “hyung, i don’t think it was nothing if you woke up screaming.”

“i’m fine, seriously,” yeonjun snaps, short.

he doesn’t want to discuss it — he’d rather sweep it under the rug again, as he does every time his trauma from the night he was attacked resurfaces. but kai is being uncharacteristically persistent — almost desperate in his attempts to understand.

the beta hmphs, clearly frustrated. “you’ve been hiding things from me recently.”

“no, i haven’t,” yeonjun’s mouth falls slack a little. kai is… accusing him? of being secretive? “what’s your problem?”

“nothing is my problem,” kai hisses. “i’m just saying. you never talk to me anymore.”

yeonjun doesn’t know what to do. for kai to act so volatile is a rare occurrence, and he doesn’t want to add fuel to the flames. “kai,” he tries, voice firm. “what’s wrong?”

“i’m trying to ask you that, since you’re the one having night terrors!” kai flings his hands up. “but you won’t talk to me because you’re always with soobin-hyung now.”

“i’m not—” yeonjun splutters. is kai jealous? is that what’s going on? something isn’t adding up. “seriously. is that what this is about?”

kai pouts like a child, embarrassment visible on his petulant features. “no, it’s just —”

“just what?” yeonjun prompts after the pause lasts for too long.

“it’s just,” kai sighs again. his posture relaxes, and his arms uncross, a good sign. “you’re always with soobin-hyung, and beomgyu-hyung is always with taehyun. i guess i just feel…”

yeonjun processes the younger’s words slowly. “... left out?” he tries to finish for the beta.

kai nods, lip between his teeth. “i guess, yeah.”

“well, you shouldn’t,” yeonjun’s brow furrows. “you’re pack. we all love you, you know that, right?”

“yeah, but,” kai frowns at nothing, staring off into space. “it’s more than that, hyung. do you remember when we first became friends?”

yeonjun smiles fondly at the memory. “of course.”

“we were best friends,” kai begins, and something in his voice sounds so wholly depressed that yeonjun feels an alarm blare in his heart. “i miss that. i love beomgyu-hyung and soobin-hyung, but sometimes i wish i was still as close to you and taehyunnie as i was before.”

what does that mean? have they grown more apart? yeonjun never thought so, but maybe he’s been wrong.

maybe the world looks different from kai’s point of view. 

he chews the inside of his cheek in thought. when i first befriended kai… it was a long time ago, but he remembers. god, yeonjun remembers. the beginning of their friendship was rocky, but rooted in a solidarity so strong it nearly hurt.

the first time yeonjun met kai was a little over a year ago, when he began working at darling cakes.

the beta, though younger, was his more experienced coworker. things were never meant to spiral over that distinct line — yeonjun was perfectly content with remaining a reasonable distance away from kai. they got along exceptionally well in the workplace, and, well, that was it.

besides, there were several things that confused yeonjun about kai. for one, the beta actually seemed to enjoy their job, including the strange attention and objectification. although, later yeonjun would come to terms with the fact that kai didn’t necessarily enjoy the leering stares — it was more that he knew how to handle it. how to spin it into something else. 

still, it’s something yeonjun has never grown to fully understand. kai is an enigma in his own right — a light that blurs and refocuses around a starry substance. refractions that yeonjun can’t compare to anything else. 

he’ll try to, though, despite the impossibility of it. yeonjun will size up kai next to taehyun, examine the brightness of their eyes, try to find similarities. because, taehyun is, on the surface level, the hardest person to read sometimes. mainly due to his natural blankness and unmoving exterior. 

kai, likewise, is also hard to read. but he’s harder to read on a deeper level. if taehyun is the stoic mountain, unshakeable, then kai is the iceberg. and kai’s usual cheery personality is simply the tip of it. 

kai knows things. yeonjun has been through this before. 

it’s more than common beta intuition, too. it’s a complex understanding that kai harbors for the net of human emotions within and around him. kai connects dots like lightning, and familiarizes himself like neighborhood streets.

once again, using taehyun as a means to compare doesn’t quite work. taehyun doesn’t hide things. he’s impassive, but blunt and direct. kai, on the other hand… 

kai hides things.

yeonjun was always sort of aware of this fact, even when they were no more than coworkers. kai could pull it off better than anyone else — smile and serve a customer, then turn his back to sigh, exhausted and allowing the experience to roll off his back like rainwater. putting on a front for the sake of others.

not two-faced. just selfless to a fault, yeonjun thought.

it was another reason for him to keep his distance from the beta. yeonjun didn’t need complicated people — too close to understanding him, too perceptive and caring — in his life. he meant to avoid such relationships at all costs, with taehyun as a puzzling exception. that didn’t last long, however.

everything changed the day yeonjun walked into his and taehyun’s shared living room, only to find kai, of all people, sitting on their couch.

“ah, yeonjun-hyung,” kai greeted, glancing up. yeonjun didn’t ever recall allowing kai to call him hyung, but the border must have been passed at one point, sneakily.

“huening-ah,” yeonjun acknowledged back. 

taehyun sauntered into the living room, returning from the kitchen with drinks in hand. he blinked at yeonjun. “oh, hyung. you’re home.”

there was a beat of awkward silence, the kind that comes when one doesn’t quite know where they stand in a situation. then, taehyun seemed to straighten up, remembering something.

“hyung, this is kai. kai, this is yeonjun-hyung.”

“we already know each other,” kai said with a smile. he took a long sip of the coke handed to him.

“yeah,” yeonjun admitted. “we both work at the cafe.”

this information didn’t seem to surprise taehyun as much as it piqued his interest. the alpha narrowed his eyes, thinking. “really? weird.”

“so, you’re roommates?” kai asked, glancing between them.

yeonjun didn’t like the beta’s analytical gaze. he felt more bare than he would’ve liked to be, as if he was placed on a microscope slide and zoomed into. “yeah,” he answered simply.

“kai and i met in vocal class,” taehyun offered. despite being an exercise science major, taehyun had a side interest in singing and music. he’d done it a lot in high school, apparently.

the closest thing yeonjun had to something like that was dance. he’d done it all throughout school, but never had time once he reached university. something bitter bubbled in his throat. “that’s cool.”

“i’m a music major, if you didn’t know,” kai explained, relaxing further into the couch. his posture was so nonthreatening and warm — yeonjun couldn’t comprehend where his own sudden distaste was coming from. 

kai irked him. kai ruffled his feathers, and yeonjun was only just beginning to understand why. 

later, when he’d escaped to the solace of his bedroom, he reflected over their earlier interaction with an emotion on the tip of his tongue. something cold and hot at the same time, painful with a self-deprecating twist.

yeonjun was jealous. 

above everything else, yeonjun was jealous of kai and his beta status.

because, at the root of it, kai could do things that yeonjun would never be able to do. kai could stand the creeps at the cafe who leered at their uniforms, could deflect the objectification that yeonjun had to lay down and fucking take. 

kai was a beta. even if people pretended he was an omega at an all-omega maid cafe, even if people treated him like one, it didn’t matter. because none of that was real. 

kai was merely playing a character, and was therefore able to preserve his real identity. his dignity outside of that role. 

yeonjun, on the other hand, couldn’t deflect a single fucking thing. all of it was true. he was an omega. and all their degrading opinions — all their sharp words and humiliating actions, were irrefutably true.

and it fucking sucked. 

it — it almost felt like kai was mocking him, even if unintentionally.

deep down, yeonjun disliked kai. kai had something he would never get. versatility. security. defendable pride. and that was unfair, yeonjun felt in his core.

now, not only did yeonjun have to face this ugly emotion while at work, but he had to face it in his home. because kai and taehyun were friends, and began to hang out more and more frequently, despite yeonjun’s secret wishes. 

most of the time, yeonjun would avoid kai to the best of his abilities. taehyun would mention the younger coming over for dinner, and yeonjun would race to the library with the excuse of having too much homework to do. for a while, it worked. 

then, of course, things changed one night. as they always seemed to do, never stagnant and constantly moving. 

the three of them were sitting on the floor, playing cards against humanity. yeonjun, having been coaxed out of his room solely due to the promise of alcohol, had a warm feeling budding in his gut.

he didn’t like kai, and on some level, he was afraid of kai. 

still, there was an undeniable pull around the beta. yeonjun’s instincts — not his conscious mind — wanted to be closer to kai. for reasons unbeknownst to him. perhaps it was because kai and taehyun were already close, and yeonjun felt the urge to be in the same circle as his unofficial packmate. or perhaps it was merely because yeonjun’s instincts knew what was good for him.

taehyun drank too much that night. halfway into the game, the alpha was slumped on the floor, groaning. 

“wanna sleep,” he slurred, after yeonjun poked his shoulder in question. 

it was unlike taehyun, to let himself get to this point. it was concerning, and yeonjun frowned at the alpha’s closing eyelids. 

“taehyun-ah,” kai chided softly, placing the cards down. “have you been drinking water?”

slowly, the alpha shook his head. that wasn’t a good sign, yeonjun thought.

“tyun, go lay on the couch, okay? huening and i will clean up.”

in response, taehyun only groaned softly. he rolled himself up in a blanket burrito and promptly flopped over on the couch cushions. yeonjun and kai exchanged a concerned glance. 

they cleaned up silently, for the most part. kai ruffled a hand through his hair, cheeks flushed.

“are you okay to get home by yourself?” yeonjun asked, because he wasn’t completely heartless. 

kai nodded. “yeah, i’ll be fine, hyung,” he assured, only to stumble on his next step. 

“careful,” yeonjun breathed sharply. “you can’t walk straight, can you?”

kai’s cheeks burned brighter. “no,” he admitted, reluctant.

a dilemma swarmed in yeonjun’s brain. he chewed his lip in thought, hating that the right thing to do was painfully obvious. there was never any debate, really. “you’re not going home like that. either stay for a bit and sober up, or crash here.”

for some reason, kai looked surprised. “thank you,” he said, smiling a little. 

a curl of warmth stuttered in yeonjun’s chest, before he promptly stomped it down.

apparently the most sober out of the three of them, yeonjun marched into the kitchen, filled up a glass of water from the sink, and firmly set it down in front of kai, who blinked up at him in wonder. 

“what’s this?”

“water, obviously,” yeonjun huffed. he hated himself sometimes. “drink it.”

“thank you, hyung.”

“you don’t need to thank me,” yeonjun’s own words shocked himself a bit. why am i being so nice right now?

he needed to stop — to run away, just like always. it was the alcohol, or maybe the late hour of night that was crumbling his defenses.

or at least, that’s what yeonjun told himself. the truth was, the more time he spent around kai, the more he realized he harbored more than just jealousy for the beta. 

there was something in the way kai held himself. small, in spite of his big frame. eyes lowered. elbows drawn in. his smile was never just a smile, neither simple nor happy. it always held more — pain, perhaps, or a cousin of it… 

loneliness.

kai was lonely. 

maybe yeonjun didn’t understand it at that time, but later he would. because people of like minds tend to stick to one another, and yeonjun would recognize that same loneliness in his own heart. kai was more similar to him than he could imagine. 

“you know, hyung, you’re a good friend,” kai observed from where he was curled up in an armchair. taehyun was out cold between them. a barrier they blinked at from across one another. the lights were dim. yeonjun’s heart stuttered. 

“since when were we friends?” came yeonjun’s reply. it wasn’t said in the appropriate tone — softer than he meant it to sound. 

kai, to his credit, didn’t appear all that offended. “i never said we were,” and there was that fucking look. like he knew things that yeonjun didn’t. “i was only making an observation. you’re a good friend.”

yeonjun scoffed. “that doesn’t make any sense.”

“that’s only your opinion, hyung,” kai smiled, gentle. “if you want to be friends so bad, just ask.”

“i don’t,” yeonjun spluttered. the beta’s boldness was stunning. 

“are you sure?” kai teased. “you care about me, right? that’s enough to be friends.”

“there’s a difference between caring about someone and having basic human decency,” yeonjun argued, feeling something stuck in his throat.

the room was silent, too silent. it left no room to hide, no cover to fall beneath.

kai’s eyes glimmered. “do you push everyone away like this, or is it just me?”

yeonjun’s breath stopped.

this was exactly what he’d feared. the beta was incredibly perceptive, too fucking perceptive for yeonjun’s closed-off nature. he was terrified of kai scaling his carefully constructed walls — shields he’d spent so much time creating. of course kai noticed. kai noticed everything.

“not just you,” yeonjun finally breathed, after several suffocating moments.

“it’s like—“ kai closed his eyes, thinking carefully. “you’re always within the same four walls, right? but you never ask for help. i never see you seek out help for yourself.”

and, well. that could have been read a million different ways. but yeonjun’s heart jumped at how quickly he could recognize that concept. that feeling. no, he knew what kai was saying. all too well.

“you don’t ask for help, either,” yeonjun remarked. deflecting away from himself.

kai only smiled a fraction wider. “you’re right. maybe that’s why i like you.”

the admission shocked yeonjun into silence. kai liked him? disbelief simmered inside him. why would kai like him, or want to be his friend?

“i can tell when someone is struggling,” kai said, almost at a whisper. “i can tell when someone has been hurt — and is unable to heal.”

to this day, yeonjun doesn’t know the extent of what kai has been through. doesn’t know how the beta can see things so clearly, can hit the nail on the head every time. kai is just like that: intune, and caring in his own unique way.

looking back on this memory, though, yeonjun understands one thing.

kai is more similar to him than he originally thought, and he didn’t deserve yeonjun’s bitter jealousy that rotted the beginning of their budding friendship. he reflects back on the last bits of his memory from that night —

kai made the request first. “why can’t we be friends, hyung? i need this as much as you do.”

and, oh. those last words sealed the contract in yeonjun’s brain. maybe kai wasn’t truly selfless. maybe he simply saw himself in others, and mutually benefited from helping them. or maybe yeonjun made everything up in his head. he wasn’t able to tell anymore. 

yeonjun let out a long, defeated sigh. kai had won. despite everything, kai had somehow wormed his way into yeonjun’s reluctant heart. 

and, as his instincts sang in glee, yeonjun knew that there was no going back.

“okay,” yeonjun said, feeling the word settle deep in his chest. he meant it, and it was time to let kai in. “okay, kai.”

from that night forward, they became best friends.

the truth is, there are some things that work. and there are some things that don’t work.

often times, yeonjun feels the hole in his chest shrink and stretch, trying to fill it with the people he reluctantly allows near him. it wasn’t until recently that he’s actually experienced fullness — or, perhaps the acceptance of those negative thoughts in the first place. the short answer is that he knows how it feels.

and he knows that kai is acting strangely aggressive for nothing to be wrong.

kai can hide behind his concern for others, can try to take care of his hyung in the aftermath of a nightmare, but that doesn’t change the way his own mentality is fairing.

“it’s like you’re always within the same four walls, right? but you never ask for help. i never see you seek out help for yourself.”

the youngest’s words from so long ago make a home in yeonjun’s brain, circling and circling and circling. he can’t stop mulling it over.

kai was always lonely. kai and yeonjun were both always lonely.

it was something the two of them struggled with for the majority of their lives. simply — the ability to fit in a place like the missing piece to a puzzle. the structure and comfort of belonging.

yeonjun never felt fully loved before he found his pack, he thinks. his pack, as in, taehyun, kai, beomgyu, and soobin. especially soobin, his precious alpha, who has opened his eyes to more beauty than he’s ever seen in his life. 

but kai doesn’t necessarily have that.

sure, he’s a part of the pack, and they’ll love him unconditionally for the rest of time. but it’s not the same as what yeonjun and soobin have, or what beomgyu and taehyun have.

kai doesn’t have a mate. 

beomgyu and taehyun are each other’s person. yeonjun and soobin are each other’s first choice. as of now, kai isn’t the first choice of anyone, and he isn’t anyone’s other half. 

don’t think about it like that, yeonjun scolds himself, because packs shouldn’t be divided into subunits, relationships with more weight than others. he can’t help but feel that that’s just the way it is, however. kai’s being dealt the short end of the stick.

and if kai has consistently fought with his internal loneliness, yeonjun wonders if that has anything to do with his downtrodden behavior now. 

it’s like their roles have been switched. at first, yeonjun shut him out. now, it’s yeonjun’s turn to be shut out.

and it’s kai’s turn to feel jealous.

jealous of yeonjun’s fulfillment from the addition of beomgyu and soobin into their lives. jealous of how he’s met his perfect pair.

he’s not sure how to address it.

“uhm,” yeonjun starts, after a long period of thinking. “maybe you should… look for a mate?”

that’s the wrong thing to say, apparently. kai’s face twists and morphs into one of unbridled anger. it’s so unsightly on the beta, yeonjun doesn’t think he’s ever seen him look this way.

“fucking really?” kai cuts, sharp. “really, yeonjun? you want me to find a mate, just like you did with soobin, and that will solve all my problems?”

wide-eyed, yeonjun shrugs. internally, he’s screaming at himself for being so dense, but he can’t figure out how to format all his thoughts into words. the brain-to-mouth filter won’t function properly. 

“fucking hell,” kai mutters under his breath. “it’s harder when you’re a beta. you can’t understand.”

it’s a slap in the face, but also an epiphany. yeonjun realizes something vital — kai is just like him, in a sense. it’s as if his own mantra is being directed back at him.

is it harder to find a mate, as a beta? yeonjun never thought about that before. 

“i’m sorry, hyuka,” is all yeonjun can offer. he’s fucked up this far, and this is the safest option.

“it’s fine, hyung,” kai shakes his head, tone harsh. he stands up and grabs his coat. “i’m just gonna go cool off.”

“yeah, okay,” yeonjun murmurs, still mildly shocked. every once in a blue moon, kai explodes. and it never fails to catch him off guard. 

“sorry, hyung,” are kai’s last words before the door to the apartment abruptly slams shut, and he’s gone. 

yeonjun sits on the couch silently and thinks. there’s still so much he doesn’t know about kai, despite their years of friendship. it makes him feel like a failure, in a way. as much as his head spins around in a futile cycle, he can’t think of a way to help kai, other than to be more present for him.

yeah. he’ll be more present for his favorite beta, and hopefully that will be enough.

+×+

later, soobin comes by to return yeonjun’s clothes.

as in, the clothes the alpha had used during his rut. 

yeonjun’s heart pounds something fierce in his chest.

even when soobin enters through the doorway, he stands several odd feet from the omega. yeonjun swallows, feeling tense.

“kai’s mad at you,” soobin says to break the silence. it’s not what yeonjun expected as his first greeting.

the omega raises a brow. “did he tell you that?”

“not exactly,” soobin scratches the back of his neck, nervous. “he mentioned your nightmares, hyung. and — just from his tone of voice… i knew.”

letting out a sigh, yeonjun fiddles with his sleeves. “makes sense. we had a pretty bad fight.”

soobin huffs. “well, you can tell me all about it right after you tell me why you’re having nightmares.”

“soobin—“

“no, this is serious, yeonjun,” the alpha’s tone remains firm. “a lot seems to have happened while i was in rut. so, what’s going on?”

as much as he thinks he should be annoyed at soobin’s persistence, yeonjun can’t help but find it sort of… attractive. the low voice the alpha has been using on him has yeonjun’s stomach curling with warmth.

still, it’s a nuisance to have to explain everything. he can handle himself just fine.

“it’s just bad memories from that one night. you know,” yeonjun elaborates anyway. 

“that’s what i assumed,” soobin admits. he looks at yeonjun with such a gentleness, it’s frightening. not pitying, no. but tender to a fault.

yeonjun almost feels guilty for it.

“can we talk about something else?” the older asks, uncomfortable. “didn’t you want to hear about me and kai?”

“sure,” soobin nods in understanding. the alpha moves to shrug his jacket from his shoulders, hanging it on the back of his chair. 

yeonjun’s nerves don’t dissipate from the mention of his nightmares, but he at least feels better while detailing his dispute with kai. soobin listens attentively, giving the occasional hum, as yeonjun recalls their heated dialogue. 

“then, he left,” yeonjun finishes, shaking his head with confusion. “i have no idea why he blew up like that. so out of the blue.”

soobin leans into a palm, thoughtfulness crossing his features. “not exactly.”

“what do you mean?”

“well,” soobin sighs, not unkindly. “for me, i sort of saw this coming. everyone is coupling up, and that leaves kai to be a fifth wheel.”

“but we’ve been together,” yeonjun argues. “if he has a problem with it, why didn’t he say something from the start.”

“hmm, you know why.”

“why?” yeonjun exhales heavily. 

“because it’s kai, duh,” soobin waves a flippant hand. “you know how he is. the suffer-in-silence-until-he-explodes type.”

running a hand through his hair, yeonjun’s stress levels rise. “what do we do about it, then? he can’t stay mad at me forever.”

“i think he’ll cool down,” the younger offers. “you probably offended him—“

“how?”

“you disregarded his feelings in a way, didn’t you?” now that yeonjun reflects on it, maybe he did. just a little. “he’ll come back around.”

“and when he does? do we just act normal?” yeonjun bites his nails. a bad habit. “should we give him more of our attention?”

“probably,” soobin relaxes in his chair, reaching out an arm to wrap comfortably around yeonjun’s shoulders; it’s a reassuring weight. 

distressed, yeonjun groans.

“stop fretting,” soobin chides. “things will come naturally to us. all of us. and kai will find his place eventually.”

“do you think he needs a mate? is he lonely?”

that has the corners of soobin’s lips pulling up. “i don’t think that’s it, no. kai is just fine on his own. he only needs to realize and accept that for himself.”

huh.

yeonjun still feels like he’s missing a piece of the puzzle, something vital to understanding the bigger picture. but he can’t place his finger on it, barely out of reach.

i’ve known kai for so long. the longest out of everyone, probably. so why am i having so much trouble understanding him?

they used to be best friends. recently though, yeonjun feels the strain on his and kai’s friendship almost physically, like a fraying rope, or a house of cards about to crumble. it’s precarious, this balancing game. 

“nevermind that,” yeonjun dismisses, changing the subject. “i believe you have something for me?”

for an endearing moment, soobin looks nearly confused, as if he had forgotten his reason for coming to the omega’s apartment in the first place. then, he remembers.

“ah,” his mouth forms a little o. “your clothes. i, uh. thank you. for, you know. letting me… use them. and everything.”

yeonjun fights a smirk, watching the pink flood soobin’s cheeks. he’s so cute when he’s flustered. 

letting me use them. god, yeonjun must be going to hell for each of the filthy images popping into his brain. don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it.

“you’re welcome,” yeonjun smiles. soobin’s arm is entirely tense around his shoulders, stiff as a board. 

the alpha hands him a little duffel bag, which must hold his clothes, he assumes. 

“so, i was able to wash the yoga pants fine,” soobin starts, talking quickly. “but the underwear…”

yeonjun tilts his head as the younger is suddenly rendered unable to speak. “the underwear…?” he prompts, gentle.

“the underwear was—“ soobin takes in a deep breath. “unsaveable, i’m afraid.”

what does that mean—

oh.

yeonjun’s eyes widen dramatically. “you mean you—“

“they’re not wearable anymore,” soobin admits guiltily, like a scolded puppy. his face is dyed beet red. 

“oh,” yeonjun tries to laugh, but it’s audibly forced. “that’s okay, bin-ah. really, i understand.”

soobin winces. “i’m sorry.”

“like i said, it’s okay.”

“i can buy you new ones, if you want—“

“that’s alright!” yeonjun cuts in frantically. soobin buying me underwear, soobin buying me underwear. god.

stop thinking about it before you slick up your pants, you whore!

yeonjun focuses on his breaths, inhaling and exhaling. 

“i shouldn’t have brought that up, should i?” soobin says doubtfully. “i made you uncomfortable—“

“that’s not it at all!” yeonjun reassures in an instant. the last thing he wants is for soobin to blame himself.

“then why are you…”

“what?”

“you’re so tense,” the alpha says, voice low. “almost, like. panicked.”

“i’m not, i promise,” yeonjun breathes. “i’m just… you know?”

“what?”

the older throws an arm over his face, groaning from exasperation. “i’m worked up, soobin!”

this alpha is going to be the death of me.

soobin’s nose wrinkles up, akin to a rabbit. it has yeonjun’s heart thudding in his traitorous ribcage. “like, horny?”

“yes, obviously!”

“why are you horny?” soobin asks, appearing genuinely puzzled. 

yeonjun can only roll his eyes. “you just said how you destroyed my underwear during your rut! of course i’m turned on.”

“oh,” soobin’s pupils dilate. “that’s a relief then. i was worried i scared you off for a second.”

“you could never scare me off,” yeonjun scoffs. 

the younger looks down at his hands. “i dunno. my instincts can get — intense.”

“i know that firsthand, remember?” yeonjun sighs, thinking back to all the instances where soobin has growled, snarled, and gotten into fights in public. hell, on the first day they met, soobin scared everyone in that club. 

“you haven’t seen me—“ soobin pauses, closing his eyes. “like that yet, though.”

does he mean during sex? oh god. yeonjun really can’t be having all these thoughts right now. 

“well, let’s talk about it,” yeonjun crosses his arms. “because i don’t think it’s a big deal. honestly, i’m into it.”

“you’re— wait, what?”

“you heard what i said,” yeonjun mutters, shy under soobin’s gaze. the alpha is staring at him with wide, wondrous eyes. they’re sparkling. 

“but — hyung, you don’t have to lie for me. it’s okay,” soobin assures. he really doesn’t know anything. it almost has yeonjun barking a laugh.

the older is about to argue again, already opening his mouth. then, he thinks of something else to say. “let’s talk about it.”

“talk about what?”

“our boundaries,” yeonjun shrugs bashfully. “sexually, that is. we need to talk about what we’re comfortable with, etc.”

soobin blinks, delicate. “okay, well. we can do that.”

surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly) they don’t have too many specific complaints either way. for yeonjun at least, if he says no, that means no. and that’s pretty much it. 

secretly, he’s hoping for a rougher treatment from soobin in bed. but he doesn’t know how the younger will deliver. 

“i don’t know if i can go all the way yet,” soobin murmurs softly. “i don’t know — i’ll let you know, but i’m just not sure if i can do that for you now.”

“that’s okay,” yeonjun is quick to understand. “is that something you think you’ll want eventually?"

“yes,” the younger answers immediately, provoking a smile from the other.

even if the alpha had said no, yeonjun wouldn’t mind. he loves soobin that much. oh, god. he loves soobin. 

fuck.

it’s overwhelming. it has him feeling hot and warm and fuzzy and energized all at once. soobin is his person in the world. the one pillar he can always rest and rely on.

yeonjun can’t think of a better way to be closer to soobin than physical intimacy, at least for where they are right now. he’s craving that physicality, that touch. it makes him wonder how betas can be such non-sexual creatures. 

sure, betas have sex every now and then. but they don’t ache for it every few months like alphas and omegas do. not to mention the nearly unbearable sexual attraction. yeonjun — someone who is relatively nonsexual for an omega — can’t even imagine the absence of that primal need.

it’s so ingrained in their lives and cultures, it’s essential to having a mate, isn’t it?

yeonjun thinks back to kai. does kai want that? sex? a mate?

he’s never expressed a desire like that before, but who knows? it’s only natural, isn’t it?

“hey, bin-ah,” yeonjun calls to the kitchen. soobin has moved to get sodas from the fridge. “has kai ever hooked up with anyone?”

soobin rounds the table, giving the omega a surprised glance. “you would know before i would.”

“i guess that’s true,” yeonjun frowns. he can’t believe that such a glaringly obvious mystery has never crossed his mind in the past.

he’d always assumed that kai was just the type to keep it to himself, at first. or maybe kai wasn’t looking to date because of his job at the cafe. but so many other servers dated, it didn’t make sense.

“stop stressing,” soobin chides, giving yeonjun’s nose a flick. “do something to take your mind off of it for a bit.”

hmm, yeonjun leans back, closing his eyes for a moment. soobin’s right; thinking himself in circles won’t lead to anything. he’ll discover answers on his own time, he knows. 

do something else.

soobin pops the lid of his soda, and takes heavy gulps. with his eyes growing hazy, yeonjun watches the bobbing of the alpha’s throat.

he’s so fixated on the motion that he doesn’t notice the hand slowly setting the soda can down, reaching for his face. soobin suddenly has yeonjun’s cheeks in a vice grip, impossible to escape.

arousal simmers low in yeonjun’s belly.

“soobin,” yeonjun mutters. he wants to try something. “you smell good.”

soobin hums in response, eyelids heavy. “you smell good, too. sweet.”

it’s not surprising. all of the talk about yeonjun’s demolished underwear, their sexual preferences… it got to him, just a little. he’d be lying if he said there probably wasn’t a wet stain on his ass right now. that’s likely the sweetness soobin can smell, anyway.

yeonjun isn’t the only one who’s scent is sweetened, though.

soobin must still be in post-rut. yeonjun blinks, watching the way the alpha removes his hand cautiously, as if fighting the instinct to move closer. 

it's alright. really, it is. 

"do you want something right now?" soobin questions, concern written all over his face. somehow, yeonjun knows exactly what he's trying to ask for. "i don't want to — you know — trigger you. especially since you've been having nightmares." 

yeonjun stares up at the ceiling, contemplating. soobin isn't wrong. yeonjun feels that it could take a lot of time and a lot of healing before he can trust alphas again. 

but soobin is… different. 

never in his life has yeonjun felt so safe, so protected around an alpha before. and, really, that's because soobin is much more than just an alpha. he's soobin, before everything else. 

and yeonjun adores him.

"bin-ah," the omega starts. his gaze fixates on soobin's nose, the space between his fiery eyes. "i'm — it's okay. you can… touch me."

he's aware of how the words sound, but that might just be his intention. ever since they'd confessed to one another, soobin has been starving him of something he so clearly needs. and it's starting to boil over. 

his bitter, spiteful inner omega sees this as an opening. a chance to get a treat from his alpha. 

soobin's head jerks minutely, his line of sight darting down to yeonjun's folded hands in his lap. then, there's a sound. 

a low, rumbling growl. 

the reactions snowball, and yeonjun's biology takes matters into its own hands. shit. there's a telltale wetness in his pants, leaking all the way down to his thighs. slick. 

he rocks forward from the realization, eyes going wide. 

soobin's face betrays everything. his brows cinch, nostrils flaring. surely, he can smell it even stronger now, the ripened sweetness. if yeonjun's scent is already sugary, he can't imagine what it must be like when he's aroused. 

with one look up, their eyes lock. soobin's growl cuts sharper, or maybe that's just yeonjun's ears drowning everything else out. 

"please," the omega chokes out, pleading, begging, anything. 

and if soobin says no, while he's wet and aching, that would make him a bad alpha. how could he leave yeonjun to suffer like this, after a long period of anticipation and being wound up? 

on a deeper level, yeonjun recognizes that the brunt of these thoughts comes from his instincts, not him. if soobin were to deny him, he wouldn't realistically put up a fight. because, no matter what, it's ultimately both of their decisions to make. 

still. it's fucking frustrating. his instincts are wailing, crying out for help. if soobin runs away, they're going to be devastated. 

miraculously, though, the alpha stands from his chair to step closer.

yeonjun's breath hitches. an itch dances across his skin, but he doesn't dare to move.

"my omega," soobin coos, voice low and heavy. "my sweet, sweet omega." 

the words cause a fresh wave of slick to spill out of him, and he shudders from the force of it. 

"alpha," yeonjun whines, just to egg him on. soobin needs to move faster, grab him, lift him up, fucking anything. anything to bring the much-needed relief to their demanding bodies. 

soobin pauses above him, hovering over where his omega's knees are bent and shaking. 

"yeonjun, sweet thing," he calls, gentle and tense all at once. "you have to tell me what you want." 

something petulant rises in his throat. yeonjun whimpers, because that's unfair. can't soobin smell him, how wet he is? isn't that enough? 

"you… i want —" yeonjun pauses to breathe. "i want you, alpha." 

soobin crashes forward, falling into yeonjun's space with hands braced on either side of him. his nose immediately finds the omega's scent gland, and it pushes there, a soft tongue laving over it. 

yeonjun nearly screams from the sensitivity, a whole-body buzz. he can do nothing but tremble in soobin's caging arms like a leaf, throwing his head against the chair cushion and arching his back as soobin assaults one of his most sensitive areas with his tongue. 

"fuck," yeonjun groans, and soobin kisses him to shut him up. 

it's fast and deep, each of their tongues fighting to take more of the other's mouth. a rumbling growl vibrates from soobin's throat, and yeonjun's instincts take the wheel. his jaw falls slack, mouth opening to simply allow his alpha to explore inside. 

soobin laps at his mouth much like he did at his scent gland. long, enthusiastic stripes. yeonjun can't stop wriggling. 

large, strong hands push down on the tops of his thighs to keep him still. all yeonjun can think is so close, so close, just a little further down, please. 

"is this okay?" soobin stops to ask, panting into the lack of space between them. his jaw is visibly clenched — he's restraining himself, yeonjun can tell. "you — you have to tell me when to stop." 

despite the overwhelming wetness in his pants, yeonjun manages a small smile. "it's okay. i can… i can go all the way, if that's what you want." 

soobin's eyes darken, but he swiftly leans away. yeonjun's instincts immediately protest. 

"we… not yet. we can't do that yet," soobin mutters. 

"we can't…" yeonjun's brow furrows. everything they've been building up, only to get slapped in the face with rejection once again. no, no, no. "huh?" 

"i won't fuck you right now," soobin clarifies, firm, and the crude words don't sound so crude coming from his gentle mouth. "just. not yet, babydoll." 

yeonjun chooses to ignore the jolt the pet name sends down his spine. instead, he tilts his head in a way that he hopes soobin will take pity on. 

"does that mean we can do… other things?" yeonjun asks, feigning innocence. although the scent of arousal is slightly dissipated, the mood is not ruined by any means. yeonjun's still leaking fucking slick, and soobin's pupils are blown so wide, his irises might as well be black. 

yeonjun can still get what he wants. and that's the important thing. 

soobin's resounding groan is a small victory. the alpha covers the bottom half of his face with his hand, looking tortured. just a little more, and yeonjun will have him wrapped around his finger. 

"alpha…" yeonjun drawls, pawing at soobin's arm. "help me. it hurts." 

that does the trick. one second, yeonjun is sitting upright, and the next, the world is turning around him. soobin has a tight grip around his waist, and yeonjun's brain short circuits when his gaze is met with the floor. ah. soobin has him in a fireman's carry. 

it doesn't last long, however. soobin takes him into his bedroom, slamming the door shut easily, before sitting at the edge of the bed. 

yeonjun slides down from his shoulder, right into the alpha's lap. 

"you know exactly what you're doing," soobin snarls close to his ear. yeonjun can feel his own toes curling. "who knew my omega was such a desperate, needy thing?" 

yeonjun whines, high pitched. the waves are crashing, the peak of the storm is being reached. he can't wait to fall over the edge. 

"need you," yeonjun nods dumbly, burying his face into soobin's chest as the alpha runs a warm hand up his shirt. oh, god. "need you so— so bad." 

soobin bites at his jaw. a warning nip. "fucking — fucking hell, yeonjun. driving me fucking insane." 

the hands that press against his torso aren't enough. he needs soobin lower, where his body aches the most. "please," yeonjun begs, near sobbing. "please, touch me." 

"where," soobin demands, flat. "say it. fucking say the words, yeonjun." 

"down… down there. please," yeonjun keens. soobin is being so mean. embarrassment dampens his eyelashes, face flushing from the force of it. but soobin only shakes his head. "down there." 

soobin does nothing. he nibbles lightly at yeonjun's neck, not at all where he wants him, and it's excruciating. yeonjun isn't even deserving of a verbal response, it seems. 

his instincts writhe with anger and determination. he won't let soobin win. 

in one movement, yeonjun flips himself over on the alpha's lap, leaving him on his stomach. he hikes his knees up where he can get leverage on the narrow space of mattress. 

"touch me," yeonjun hisses, a hand reaching up to his own waistband. soobin sits frozen under him, taut like a statue. "here," he finishes, as his grip rips down his pants, leaving his ass bare. he presses the front of his chest into the bed, accentuating the curve of his back for good measure. 

for a few unbearable seconds, the two of them merely breathe. otherwise, it's deathly silent. yeonjun waits for soobin to move. 

something flickers over the alpha’s face, eyes going glassy.

oh.

oh.

“please,” yeonjun says, sincere when it looks like soobin is struggling to take any action. “it’s okay, i promise. i want this.”

the moment of sobriety jolts soobin into motion. two large hands settle on yeonjun’s asscheeks, searing where skin meets skin. then, soobin spreads him, letting out a long, enamored sigh as he does so.

“god,” the alpha chokes. “ever since — ever since the second i saw you, i’ve wanted this.”

“really?” yeonjun teases, head feeling light. “been dreaming of me, huh?”

soobin’s eyes darken. “you have no idea.”

a cold, wet finger prods at yeonjun’s entrance. when had soobin grabbed the lube? the omega is about to speak when the sensation of being filled takes over, and he cuts off into a gasp.

“mmm,” yeonjun whines, eyelashes fluttering. god, soobin’s fingers are as perfect as he’d imagined. long, rough, and so, so deep. “give me an idea.”

soobin’s lip curls up in a smirk. “for one, i’ve always wanted to fuck you in that little maid dress of yours.”

“you have?” yeonjun gasps as a second finger enters him, right beside the first. they scissor and curl from within him, scraping at that special spot. it’s almost too much.

“mhm,” something in soobin’s eye gleams. “wanted to shove your skirt up and bend you right over one of the tables. wouldn’t you love that?”

in response, yeonjun moans, the loudest he’s been so far. the images are getting to him, paired with the steady pace of soobin’s fingers splitting him open, driving inside him. he keeps squirming, but the alpha’s firm grip on his hip bones keeps him in place.

yeonjun almost protests when the fingers leave him, dripping and empty. it’s not long, though, before soobin’s hands are suddenly beneath his sweater, pushing upwards.

“let’s get this off of you,” soobin murmurs. the sweater goes over yeonjun’s head, and he’s suddenly naked, sitting upright in the alpha’s bed.

it’s then that yeonjun realizes he’s the only one naked. soobin is still fully clothed.

heat simmers low in his gut.

“come here, babydoll,” soobin says, pulling him closer by the meat of his thighs. “in my lap, there you go.”

like this, yeonjun sits perched on one of soobin’s legs, feeling awfully shy. he caves into himself, insecure about his pink nipples on full display.

soobin seems to catch on. “so pretty, yeonjun. the prettiest omega ever.”

a finger nudges at yeonjun’s entrance again from behind. this time, it slips in with ease. but yeonjun doesn’t get any time to relax into it; right away, soobin starts to fuck into him at a much faster pace than before. 

each thrust jolts his body forwards, lolling his head like he’s some ragdoll to be used. “w-wait–” yeonjun tries to say, but can only moan pathetically.

“you like this, don’t you?” soobin asks him, tone nearly malicious. “you like me having my way with you, spread open and helpless.”

“s-soobin, please—”

“you’d do anything for my cock, wouldn’t you? even though i’m an alpha?”

“oh god, oh—”

“even though you hate alphas. you hate alphas, but you’ll still let me fill you up with my cum, huh?”

“yes, soobin, please…” yeonjun mews, near out of his mind. his prostate takes hit after hit, fingers pushing so far he’s seeing stars. “want you. want your knot so— so bad.”

“tell me, yeonjun,” soobin cocks his head to the side. “you hate alphas, yet you let me have your body in any way i want. why is that?”

yeonjun opens his mouth to answer, and almost ends up biting his tongue. he can’t see straight, fucked dumb on a few of soobin’s fingers. 

“answer me, yeonjun,” soobin demands, spearing three fingers in a way that’s particularly harsh. 

yeonjun’s dick keeps rubbing on soobin’s pant leg, seeking friction and leaking precum like he’s desperate. it takes all of his willpower to string together a coherent sentence.

“be— because, you’re my alpha.”

soobin tosses his head back to laugh, clearly amused. “i’m your alpha, that’s right. and you’re my omega.”

“mine,” yeonjun hisses through his teeth. “mine, mine, mine.”

“yours,” soobin agrees, nosing into his scent gland. “always yours.”

he's mine, yeonjun thinks to himself, delirious. he's mine, forever and always. 

just that trail of words, that subconscious string of mine, mine, mine is enough to send yeonjun careening into his orgasm. 

it's wet, everywhere. in the spaces between their limbs, on their abdomens and faces. some of it is cum, no doubt, but the rest is sweat, saliva, and tears.

god, that felt good. 

yeonjun collapses in soobin's lap, half laying on the bed. the alpha above him catches his breath, a hand petting over his bare backside.

"good?" soobin exhales, staring hard.

"amazing," yeonjun groans in response. it really was amazing. he had no idea that soobin had it in him. 

soobin lays down beside him, atop the ruined bed covers. "was i too much?" 

"not at all," yeonjun answers immediately, waving a hand. "it was perfect." 

"really?" 

the omega sighs, exasperated. "we'll talk about it more later, i promise." 

"okay," soobin agrees. 

yeonjun raises a brow at him. "do… do you need — help?" 

"help?" soobin blinks, confused. then, the realization visibly dawns on him. "oh. oh. no, i. i'm fine." 

yeonjun stares at him, skeptical. but when he looks at soobin's pants, there's no tent. did he… 

yeonjun's jaw drops. "you came untouched?" 

"i wouldn't say untouched," soobin answers bashfully. he looks off to the side, voice quiet. "you were kind of — grinding on it." 

"ah," yeonjun's cheeks feel like they're burning. holy fuck. "you're perfect." 

at that, soobin smiles a warm and gentle curve, everything yeonjun wants and everything he shall have. 

"thanks, hyung," they hold eye contact for a long moment, wrapped in golden sunlight and soothing honey. "you're perfect, too." 

and, god. 

i love him.