Chapter Text
Spring 2018, Seoul
She tastes of soju and that samgyupsal grilled pork belly that they have just had for dinner. She smells delicate, wonderful…just like her… just like always.
She feels just right in his arms while she kisses him back, mirroring the same longing that he knows that he is feeling, even though he is not quite sure, and everything is mixed up and pleasant and overwhelming and he does not want it to stop.
Hwang Si-mok knows that this scenario, with Inspector - Senior Inspector - Han Yeo-jin clinging to him in the cheap AirBnb that is the only place he can afford to stay in for the duration of his inquiry on the Prime Minister, was inevitable. Ever since he told her the news that he had been recalled to Seoul after ten months in Namhae, and asked her whether she would like to meet up for a quick bite, their relationship, that could only be compared to a perfect symbiosis, fell back into place as if the previous ten months had never happened. The quick bite had turned into a daily meet-up to bounce off theories about generic and purely hypothetical scenarios that did not break their professional code, and into late night meals that both of them knew served only to end their respective days with the comfort of each other’s presence.
Hence it was inevitable that the news of his transfer to Tongyeong led to excessive drinking from both parties. It was obvious to both that the stiff goodbye next to the pojangmacha would not suffice to quell the sadness of their parting, so when she appeared at his rental apartment just half an hour after their goodbyes, with her eyes full of tears and her lips trembling, he just reached out for her and led her to the bed, ready to give her whatever she demanded of him.
Or so he thought.
Because just like that, just when he is about to lose himself in the taste of that sweet spot in her neck that was making her gasp and making him go crazy, he hears her whisper please don’t go Hwang Si-mok, and freezes.
He pulls himself up off her and gazes down at her. She is flushed, with her short hair splayed all over the pillow, looking back up at him with her lips parted and her eyes shining with emotions that he is not sure he can decipher.
“Don’t go Si-mok,” she repeats in a whisper. “Stay here, in Seoul, with me.”
He looks at her in silence for a few seconds, his brain medically unable to process this explosion of different reactions that her simple request has, unbeknownst to him, unleashed within him. His breath quickens for a moment as he feels, no he knows, that a blast of pain is coming his way.
Doing things according to plan, being alone, not forming attachments, that is all he knows. It is safe and keeps unfamiliar feelings at bay. Working as a prosecutor, going where he is needed… that is the only life he knows how to live. It is the only way he knows how to keep the attacks away.
And this is why his brain chooses to defend itself in the only way it knows.
“I can’t,” he replies tonelessly and, just like that, the ringing in his ears that had started to build up dissipates completely. He lets out a breath of relief and closes his eyes, only to open them quickly when Yeo-jin shifts under him. Her expression hardens for a second, before it morphs into a mix of disappointment and resignation.
“Just let me go then,” she says sadly.
He moves from on top of her and looks at her in silence as she buttons up her shirt again and tucks it in her black trousers. It does not take a fully functioning brain to realise that her request for freedom extends to more than being allowed to leave the room, and Si-mok knows it.
He also knows that it is at that very moment that everything breaks down between them.
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It does not take Si-mok a long time to realise that he had made a bad decision, but it takes him much longer to admit it.
He does not attach her drawing to his monitor in his new office, and the group photo they had taken during the team rooftop party remains stored in one of the boxes that he never bothers to unpack. He does not allow himself to feel anything, or to think about her for many months, until one night the loneliness finally becomes too dark and too heavy for him to avoid thinking about its cause. He is not able to explain why, but it is on that same night that Han Yeo-jin reaches out to him for the first time in many months, with a simple texted hello that makes him breathe lighter for many days after.
Through that text, a new form of stilted, not very comfortable but still civil, relationship forms between them, and one day, on his way to his new assignment in Wonju, he is unexpectedly called back to Seoul.
It takes less time than one ought to expect from him to call her to let her know. They agree to meet for dinner and that evening, in March 2019, he meets her again for the very first time since he had agreed to let her go.
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April 2019
Yeo-jin walks quickly to her car, too tired to wipe away the tears that are flowing freely down her cheeks. Very soon, she will allow herself to get angry at Hwang Si-mok for leaving yet again, but mostly at herself for continuing to allow that man to enter and exit her life freely. She will also allow herself to be furious at herself for not being able to stop loving him, two and half years after what should have remained forever an anonymous - and drunken - tryst at the end of a very bad day.
The day when she will allow her anger to motivate her to move on and away from Hwang Si-mok will arrive soon, she knows it. But at the moment, after sharing a last dinner with him, talking far too much about shrimp and assuring him that there is definitely no chance that she will not be ok, all she can feel is sadness, hurt and deep rejection laced with the hopelessness of living without him a life that has stopped bringing her joy.
She will rage, she will accept, she will move on. But the only thing that she wants to do right now is cry. She gets to her car, and just as she is about to open her door, she is startled by a voice behind her.
“I don’t think I will be ok.”
She whips around and sees him, her Prosecutor, staring at her with his brows furrowed in a worried frown.
“What? Have you been following me?!”
“I don’t think I will be ok in Wonju, Senior Inspector Han,” he continues, completely unperturbed by her tone. He walks slowly towards her, his frown deepening when he sees her tear stained cheeks. “I am not ok, and I have not been for a while. Things have been … bad … between us, and it’s not right. Nothing is right if you are angry at me. I will not be ok without you.”
Ever since she had left that room a year before, Yeo-jin had conjured up many different scenarios in her mind of how an apology from Hwang Si-mok would play out. However, in none of her made-up conversations had he been looking so earnest, so disarmingly and endearingly honest, and so sad. She hesitates for a moment, but then she leans into him, her heart soaring with affection. They are standing so close that, as it mingles with hers, his breath feels like a thousand feathered kisses, caressing her lips as they flutter against her skin.
She will cry, she will rage, she will accept, she will move on. But the only thing that she wants to do right now is be with him, one last time, and to take and give everything in equal measure. If the universe is allowing her one last opportunity to love him, then she is going to take it.
“I was lying, Prosecutor Hwang,” she whispers as their foreheads touch. “I will not be ok without you either.”
Their lips meet once again for a much longed for kiss, and it takes them quite a while to realise that they are in a very public place, and that they are adults and professionals who should know better. They break away, but Yeo-jin can still feel him, his hardness pressing against her, and he looks away, with an expression that, on another person, could perhaps denote shyness.
“Would you like to …?” she whispers tentatively.
“Only if you want it too,” he murmurs.
“Yes Si-mok, I want it too.”
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As she drives to her place, she is hit by the possibility that he can change his mind now that the moment has passed, and that that kiss by her car could possibly be the last time that she will see him for a very long time, if not ever. She figuratively kicks herself for not savouring the moment more, for not making it last longer, but then she walks out of her car to her apartment block and she sees him, waiting next to her gate with a small bag in his hand. He has inexplicably managed to arrive before her, and had even stopped to a convenience store to buy --
Oh.
“I came prepared this time,” he explains with a polite bow. He is ridiculous.
And she loves him so so much.
I love him is the mantra that keeps repeating in her head as she gives herself to him once again, allowing her body to sing at his touch.
I love him is what she tells herself as she straddles him, cradling his head to protect it as he leans back against the wall while she moves on top of him.
I love him goes through her head while her breath quickens as his hands clutch her hips, silently begging her to move faster as their bodies rock together towards pleasure.
I love him, her internal voice gasps as she cries out, over and over while she comes, waves of pleasure intensifying with each of his thrusts, leaving her a trembling mess in his arms.
I love him she whispers to herself as he rolls her over and climaxes with an uncharacteristically loud groan.
I love him, she murmurs as he kisses her deeply and holds her to him until they both catch their breath.
She is still basking in a cloud of dazed pleasure when Si-mok gets out of bed, but he is back before she is even able to process any feeling of panic about him not returning. This time, there seems to be no doubt about him spending the night.
“Just got cleaned up,” he murmurs. She snuggles against him and listens to the soothing beat of his heart as he threads his fingers against her hair in a way that makes her sigh happily.
“That feels so nice, thank you,” she breathes sleepily.
“You did it to me last time, it was pleasant,” he replies. He scratches her scalp lightly and she is basically moments away from purring. In fact, she can only answer with a happy mewl.
They lie in each other’s arms in silence for a little while, and Yeo-jin trails the tips of her fingers slowly down his side, wanting to savour him with every sense of her body. She revels in the feel of his skin against hers and everything feels perfect and right until she feels his ribs jutting out, reminding her of just how much weight he had lost in the past year.
“You are so skinny, Si-mok-ah. Are you not eating enough?” she asks worriedly.
He takes a moment to answer. “People keep calling me,” he replies with a heavy sigh.
Huh?
Yeo-jin pulls herself up on her elbow and stares at him in confusion.
“People keep calling me whenever I am about to eat. I am never able to finish my meals.”
His face is earnest as he looks at her, mournful and confused, and she is once again swept by a new wave of affection towards him. He is completely ridiculous.
“But sweetheart, you have to eat!” she orders, unable to keep the laughter out of her tone. His answering expression seems to indicate that while that is probably cute in her world, it is not particularly helpful in his.
She thus decides on a more practical approach. “When you’re about to eat, turn off your phone for fifteen minutes. If it is very important, people will try calling you again, but in the meantime you would have tucked in fifteen minutes worth of food safely in your belly,” she suggests.
“But what if it is you who is calling me?”
He is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.
“Do you want me to call you?” she asks with a soft smile.
“Yes, please,” he replies immediately.
“Then I will. And if your phone is off, I’ll be happy and relieved knowing that you are eating and I will call you back in fifteen minutes. How does that sound?”
He pulls himself up as well and leans in for a long kiss. “Ok,” he replies with a tiny smile.
They settle back down in bed and Yeo-jin is starting to relax in the warm, fuzzy feeling of incoming sleep when Si-mok suddenly shifts to his side, causing her to shift as well to face him. He stares at her in silence for a few seconds.
“I won’t go to Wonju if you don’t want me too,” he finally says.
“Eh?”
“I won’t go if you want me to stay,” he repeats seriously. “This is what I should have said last year, and I won’t make the same mistake again.”
Yeo-jin looks at him for a long moment, looking for any hesitation in his honest, proud eyes. There is none.
“Would you like to be with me? Like...to be with me … with me?” She wants to hear it.
“Yes. If you want me.”
Yeo-jin beams, not quite sure how to react to a dream come true. “I want you,” she answers happily. “Wonju is not far. We can spend weekends together, and we can make it work - we will make it work - until your assignment over there is over.”
“Are you sure? Will you still want to be with me only a few days a week?”
“Si-mok I want to be with you always, and this is the process leading to that. I will miss you through the week and will love you endlessly and annoyingly throughout the weekend. In fact, maybe I should be the one asking you if that is something you can live with,” she replies with a smile.
He shifts and his face takes on a new expression. “Love? Do you … love me?”
Yeo-jin does not hesitate. “Yes, I love you. Very much.”
He ponders a little before his face softens in a tiny smile. “I’m not sure what it is supposed to feel like…but probably I love you too. Also very much.”
She lets out a deep breath of relief and kisses him, feeling his lips curl up against hers in a wider smile.
“So that’s settled then, I’m driving up to Wonju next Friday,” she giggles. She doesn't want to ruin the moment by thinking of what will happen after that assignment is over and if he is not sent back to Seoul. There will be time to wallow in misery and uncertainty over that.
However, it seems that Si-mok does want to think about it, and that he actually has done so already.
“If in two year’s time, after my assignment is over, I am not sent back to Seoul, I will leave the Prosecution,” he says solemnly.
“Si-mok.”
“I mean it. I’ll leave the Prosecution and work in a law firm, I’m a good lawyer.”
“What? Like a defence lawyer?”
He grimaces at that, his lips actually turning down in distaste. “No, not a defence lawyer. Another kind of lawyer”
“Si-mok, don’t be silly. That is a lot to ask from you.”
He frowns and reaches for her, their hands entwined on the pillow between them. “It is not a lot to ask for. I am tired of having to bow down to prosecutors who do not value the importance of their role and the integrity of the law. I am tired of being stopped from pursuing what is right, and from being sent away to be forgotten. I am tired of being kept away from you,” he answers earnestly, moving closer to her. “If the distance from Wonju gets to be too much, or if I am not sent back to Seoul in two year’s time, I will leave the Prosecution. I will do it, Yeojin.”
She believes him. He will do all of this for her, and she will not have to worry about his next assignments. He is offering her forever and she wants it, so badly.
But she can also give back as well.
“There is also another option you know,” she whispers with a tiny smile.
“What?”
“If the distance from Wonju gets too be too much, or you are not sent back to Seoul in two year’s time, you will leave the Prosecution, I will leave HQ, and we can both leave Seoul,” she replies with a mischievous smile as she repeats his pitch.
It is now his turn to gape at her.
“I’m tired too, Si-mok. I’m tired of being a glorified administrator, of looking at statistics and writing reports that no one will read and coming up with reforms that will never get implemented,” she confesses. “I miss working in an actual station, and I think we should consider moving to a little town where no one knows us, and you can have your own practice and I can work at a little station and we can take the time to rest and live quietly.”
He repeats live quietly under his breath. “My mother tells me that I should live a quiet life,” he murmurs.
“There, I am giving you that option too then.”
Si-mok’s lips shift upwards in tiniest of smiles. “It is a good option,” he acknowledges, “but will it be enough for you? Me and you, and a quiet life in a quiet town?”
Yeo-jin knows exactly what he is asking, but wants to hear him express it clearly.
He speaks again after a few seconds of silence. “I didn’t have a father growing up. I don’t know how to be one - and even if I did know, I don’t think that I am … right,” he murmurs.
Yeo-jin brings his hand to her lips, kissing each knuckle softly. “You are right for me Hwang Si-mok,” she replies gently. “Being with you is not only enough, but is all I want. Whether it’s in Seoul, or on some remote island, you and I together is all that matters. Just us two.”
His face transforms as he beams at her. It takes her breath away. “Ok,” he answers and reaches for her. Yeo-jin snuggles against him, grinning like a lovestruck teenager.
“Ok I forgot to mention cats, Si-mok. You and I together, just us two - and with many cats - is all that matters”, she murmurs as she nuzzles his neck.
There is silence for a full five seconds.
“How many cats?”
“Very many.”
“Hmmm.”
“So very many, Si-mok.”
He mutters something that sounds a lot like “so much fur on my suits though”.
“Don’t worry about that. We’ll get grey cats and it will all blend beautifully.”
“What about my blue suit?”
“Well that one is sacred. We will keep it away from them and you will only wear it with me and only for the time it takes for me to tear it off you.”
Si-mok actually contemplates this before nodding.
“Ok.”
“Good. Now good night my love, sleep well,” Yeo-jin yawns.
Si-mok settles her comfortably against his chest, and turns off the light from the night stand. “Good night my … yeo-jin-ah.”
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She is not there to wish him goodbye as he drives away from next to his dormitory. They had already said their goodbyes and expressed their promises of love very intensely, and very unequivocally, in the early hours of the morning, before he left with plans for her to drive to Wonju and help him “Yeo-jinfy” his new rental apartment and - he is sure - his life.
He drives towards Wonju with a light heart, and even stops on the way to visit his old mentor, Chief Prosecutor Kang Won-chul, before making his way to the building that he will have to consider his professional home for the next two years. The knowledge that Yeo-jin is going to be permanently in his life, and that he is hers to love and boss around, makes him feel like he can truly belong in a world that for long has been too difficult for him to decipher. In a world of strangers, he has finally managed to find his partner, his companion and soul mate.
And he was finally finishing his meals.
When in early summer, two months into his life in Wonju and two months closer to his forever with Yeo-jin and a yet to be determined number of grey cats, he meets Kim Ho-seob, it does not feel too difficult to match his natural enthusiasm with some form of friendliness of his own. And as he walks away, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket, most certainly with a text from Yeo-jin-ah telling him that she is on the way from Seoul, and he lets his face rest in a wide smile.
He has finally found his happiness. And she has a name.
Yeo-jin.